Chapter Text
“Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life.”
―
Shannon L. Alder
~Jim~
If there was one thing that Jim would never understand…it was the Winchesters. He had just gotten off the phone with Dean because he had gotten an email from him about getting his bank account information and that had been weird enough. The deposit of six figures that had come after had left him speechless for about five minutes and then it had taken an hour-long phone call to calm him down. He had been sure Dean had done something incredibly stupid, not that the funds hadn’t been appreciated because tracking down undead Nazis over the world had been a bit of a challenge.
Then Sam had called him in crisis because he didn’t know how to let be Dean be a part of his life…in any real way at least. Sam wanted to know about his brother, but at the same time he didn’t. He wanted to be ignorant, he wanted to be blind but that wasn’t possible. He was repressing everything about himself in order to be normal. He was dealing with his various traumas by not dealing with it. Sam genuinely didn’t know how to connect to people normally anymore, years of being forced to lie about everything he was, had become a habit that he couldn’t shake. He tried to be himself, but he was a weird mix of over sharing to under share.
Sam knew intellectually the right moves to make, could reason them out, but emotionally he went the other way which left him a mess of confusing contradictions. Sam was lost right now. He didn’t know how to live a normal life honestly and his sense of righteousness left him drowning in guilt over not hunting. Sam was a boy that loved to help people but didn’t know how to help himself. To Sam, Dean was temptation made flesh, he was home, he was safety and he was the only person Sam would willingly leave his ‘normal’ life for.
If Dean ever said he needed Sam to hunt, that he needed Sam to leave his life and go with him…Sam knew he would go. Sam also knew Dean would not ask for that without a very good reason but that left Dean as the only person who could tempt him back. Sam thought the only way to avoid that was to avoid Dean. By not facing it he hoped that somehow it would go away, that Dean would forget about him and Sam could pretend to be as ignorant as everyone else around him.
Hell, Sam made an effort to avoid anything unusual and he was obsessed with trying to be what he thought normal was…it left him barren of any real understanding he might have gained from this experience. Jim wasn’t even sure how to go about helping him because he insisted on not talking about it. Sam wanted help and didn’t want help. He was a man standing on a glass bridge waiting for it to break paralyzed by indecision and waiting for the world to do it for him.
Hearing Caleb shout in the next room Jim figured Dean had sent some money his way as well and wondered how this was all going to affect John. As much as Jim cared for John as his friend, he was a man so tangled up in his grief over his perceived failure to protect his wife that he went completely off the rails. John had destroyed his relationship with his sons in his effort to protect them and Jim saw a lot of him in Sam.
Jim prayed that Sam would not destroy his relationship with his brother to protect his new life or his girlfriend. It was a real tragedy, to see the mistakes of the father, revisited in the son and there was no way Sam would be open to hearing this yet. He was too caught up in not making a choice that it had left him in a very vulnerable place.
~Bobby~
Bobby had a feeling Dean was coming to his house with some purpose in mind that he wasn’t saying outright. He did say that he was going to spend the next two weeks before thanksgiving at his house but he was being shady about something. He was bringing his new brother Adam and Adam’s mom Kate…there was also apparently a few other people coming that he wanted to introduce when he got here. Bobby was debating on whether he should let John know two of his boys would be spending Thanksgiving with him but in the end he didn’t call John.
He couldn’t break the trust he had with Dean to give John a heads up because Dean had stated that he wanted him to keep quiet about him being here. Bobby wasn’t entirely sure why but it made him feel uneasy. Something was definitively up. The Chevy pulled up, the minivan that pulled up behind it and Bobby assumed that was Kate. Dean got out of the impala and a man came out of the passenger side and waved at him. Bobby guessed this was the mystery guest.
Then the minivan unloaded and four people got off, so maybe the man with the two girls were the ones that Dean wanted to introduce him to but then Dean didn’t come over to him right away. Instead, he was messing with the backseat of the impala with the mystery man. Then Bobby noticed Dean was wearing some strange new shirt and tucking something small into it and he grabbed something else as well.
Dean popped up with a toddler, maybe a year old from the backseat at the same time a little kid, maybe four or five popped out of the backseat holding the mystery man’s hand. Bobby could feel a headache coming on.
“Dean what the fuck is going on?” Bobby groaned.
In response Dean just grinned, “Hey Bobby I wanted you to meet some new people in my life, these two are Charlie and Jane, these two are Adam (my new baby brother) and his mom Kate. This is Castiel, and the one holding his hand is my son Jesse,” Dean dropped that bomb while walking up to him with the toddler in his arms and Bobby had a dreadful premonition. “This one here is my son James,” Dean said and as if that wasn’t enough he tilted a bit and Bobby finally saw the newborn tucked into Dean’s chest, “and this little one is my daughter Jael.”
Dean grinned at him so widely Bobby felt his migraine building the longer Dean talked. “What. The. Fuck. Dean.” Bobby said exasperated.
Then when he started giving the grown people shots of holy water and poking them with a silver needle he had on hand but when he got to the kids Dean stopped him. “Will this be alright Cas?” Dean asked gesturing to the little kids.
Castiel looked at each of them, “It’s fine Dean, but just to be safe…we should avoid holy water on Jesse.”
Dean nodded but Bobby wasn’t taking chances with kids, “What the hell is going on you idjot?!”
“Let’s get inside first, we have a lot to talk about. Cas…give Bobby the special.” Dean said herding everyone inside as Castiel went up to Bobby.
“What,” Castiel tapped Bobby in the chest and Bobby felt like the wind was knocked straight out of him, “the. Fuck.” Bobby wheezed as Castiel followed Dean into the house. When Bobby limped his way inside Dean was painting Sigils on his walls with a baby still strapped to his chest while the other two little ones were being herded away from his books. His house had never felt so chaotic and full of life as it did at this moment.
There were a bunch of kids running around, chaos everywhere, he felt a headache brewing and his chest fucking ached. “I say again Dean. What the fucking hell is going on?” Bobby growled as he poured himself a shot of the nearest bottle to help numb the ache he felt down to his bones.
“Few more minutes Bobby, I gotta get these up and then the kids gotta have lunch before Jesse or Charlie have a meltdown. Trust me you do not want to see either when they are hangry.” Dean said as he moved about with his paint brush painting sigils he had never seen before. Which was frankly, disturbing, given how long he had been in this game he should have some idea about these sigils.
Bobby just sat down, he had no idea how to handle all this and no idea what was coming next. The headache that was Dean was building behind his eyes.
“Grandpa Bobby?” Bobby felt the wind knock out of him as he stared at the boy, barely four years old, that was staring up at him. In a dim sort of way Bobby realized Jesse looked a bit like Dean. His eyes were like Dean’s in that you couldn’t quite tell if they were green or blue, but the gold in his eyes must have come from his mother. Looking at the other boy James had golden brown eyes…if it was the mothers were the same that would explain where that came from. Which begs the question of where the children’s mothers were, because Bobby was certain Dean would have told someone if he had a relationship that got him three children.
“Yes,” Bobby replied slow…the shock of everything making him take a minute.
“Are you okay Grandpa Bobby? You look bad,” Jesse said as he grabbed his hand to hold.
“I’m okay, just wasn’t expecting so many people,” Bobby said, dimly realizing this kid kept calling him grandpa. He refused to acknowledge how warm that made him feel.
Dean finished up with the sigils and took a baby bottle from Castiel that Bobby wasn’t entirely sure where the man got it from. Dean popped the bottle in the baby’s mouth with a practiced ease that was unnerving and then turned to Kate.
“You wanna get the groceries out of the car and get started on lunch while Cas and I get Bobby up to speed?” Dean asked while he paced and rocked while feeding the baby strapped to his chest.
“Sure Dean, Jane can you look after the boys? Adam, you help me…and Charlie…just don’t touch anything we don’t need another book incident.” Kate said looking at the red head suspiciously.
Charlie looked offended, “It was one time! ONE! I know better now!”
“Still…I don’t want to deal with any wackiness while I’m cooking.” Kate said with a long-suffering sigh. She patted Bobby on the shoulder as she left the house, and he just felt a bit like he was in some bizarre dream.
Dean looked around and then nodded, “Come upstairs with me Bobby, I don’t want the kids to be disturbed.”
Dean went upstairs and Bobby followed resigned. Cas brought up the rear, Dean got them into the room the boys usually use and gestured for Bobby to sit down. He did because he didn’t trust his legs. This all was a little overwhelming…Sam went to college…Dean split off from John and got himself a family like he had one waiting on standby and Bobby had a headache. He was pretty sure he was the only one who knew about the kids, if Sam or John knew Bobby was sure he would have heard from them.
“Ok, ask your questions,” Dean sighed.
“What the hell is going on? Why do you suddenly have kids? Why the hell can’t one of them be exposed to holy water?! What. The. Fuck. Dean.” Bobby asked in rapid succession.
“That is a loaded question, I got kids because of the first thing. And well…Jesse was born…special.” Dean replied and Bobby gave him a dead eyed stare.
“You gonna start making sense any time idjiot or are you going to keep beating around the bush?” Bobby deadpanned.
Dean paced for a bit and then sat down in the opposite bed sighing, “I guess it started with Sam and meeting a man named Asa.”
“Asa?”
“Yeah, after Sam left, I left too…that you know…I met Asa at the road house,” Dean went on. Bobby raised his eyebrow. “Asa was saved by my mom, way back, she was a hunter.”
Bobby sucked in a shocked breath, “WHAT?!”
“Yeah…I was surprised too. She was a hunter, a born hunter, her whole family had been hunting since…I don’t know when…still not to sure on that. What I did know is that I didn’t know enough…about my past…about what I thought happened that night…about any of it. I started to look at mom’s case like all the other cases I had been involved in, I did my research after Asa. And I found out …just…too much. This is bigger than getting revenge. It’s bigger than stopping a monster from killing more moms. It’s…end of the world big.” Dean was focusing on Jael in his arms and the feel of Cas’ hand on his shoulder.
“So…spit it out!” Bobby demanded.
“It was a demon…Bobby…a demon killed my mom because she made a deal. A deal the night her dad was killed.” Dean continued and looked up at him. “Heaven and Hell…they have plans. The big showdown? The one the book talks about? Well…they need players…they need fighters and Angels. Angels like Lucifer…well they need a body to fight with and for that the demons…they came for Sam.”
Bobby sucked in a painful breath and the blood drained from his face. “What are you saying?”
“Thanks to Cas here, my own real angel, I was…enlightened about a lot of things. Heaven and Hell want a showdown…they want the ends of times. SO Michael needs a body, Lucifer needs a body…that’s where Sam and I come in. But Angels aren’t demons…they have rules…rules they cannot break and they can’t take your body without your consent. So, that’s what they’re setting us all up for…Sam and I…we’re just pawns in the game their playing.” Dean grabbed Cas’ hand, “But they were doing everything to keep us in the dark and there are some in Heaven that don’t want to fight…because they know what that means. Like Cas here.”
Bobby groaned and put his head in his hands. “So, the end is nigh…we got Angels and Demons gearing up for a showdown. Then we have our little rag tag band of misfits here…trying to stop it all.” He groaned, “I don’t suppose your dad knows any of this?”
“Nope, Dad is too caught up with getting revenge and killing the demon that killed mom to ask the right questions. His sole focus is on where the demon is and how he can kill it. He has totally forgotten to even think about the why as far as I know. As for your other questions, going down the rabbit hole of not only my mom’s hidden past but my dad’s hidden past as well…well it led to other places.” Dean continued as if he wasn’t dropping more questions than answers. “I found Adam and Kate first. Then I found Jane, she’s a Nephilim. Then I found James, my oldest, he’s…well…he’s half demon like Jane is half angel. I guess you could say I found Jesse but it was more like…well I killed his entire murderous psycho family and couldn’t leave him. As for this little one…well…I ran into an amazon who was trying to have a baby and raise it to kill me. I took an exception to that and took the baby as compensation.”
“Ok…well…I have a headache from all that mess. I am hungry and I have the next few days to get the rest of…that…sorted out. Frankly…just nope…I’m done…I’m gonna go downstairs now and yeah…nope.” Bobby groaned as he left a bemused Dean feeling like that had gone well all things considered.
He found Bobby at the entrance of his kitchen staring inside at the chaos with a look of utter befuddlement on his face. Dean looked in to see Adam helping Kate set out food on the small table, Jane was feeding James and Jesse was slowly nibbling on a sandwich while looking at Charlie curiously as she still complained loudly that she hadn’t meant to unleash a monster from a book. Kate was in the process of reorganizing Bobby’s kitchen cabinets in order to fit all the food they had brought with them. In all, it was a pretty normal day to Dean so he shrugged at Bobby who was looking at him like he had grown a second head, “You will get used to the chaos eventually.”
Bobby groaned and went to grab himself a beer from the fridge and had a sandwich and some chips pressed into his one spare hand on his way out of the noisy kitchen. Dean followed him into the study and Cas showed up a few minutes later pressing a sandwich into Dean’s hands with a cross look. Dean sheepishly began to eat as well. “So your mom was a hunter?” Bobby grumbled between bites.
“Yeah, she was,” Dean looked at him resigned, “I guess you could say its in my blood now. Being a hunter.”
“And your father? He has a hidden history as well?” Bobby asked as he sipped his beer.
“Yeah, not that he has the slightest clue about it.” Dean replied, “His bio Dad…you know the one that he thinks abandoned him when he was a kid?”
“Yeah…heard about that one night after your dad had a few too many drinks in him, what of it?”
“He didn’t abandon him Bobby…or at least he didn’t mean to abandon him. His father was part of this secret society of record keepers, called the Men of letters, they are like the librarians for hunters…or at least they were. Until a demon infiltrated the group and slaughtered the majority. I heard an offshoot still exists in England but it’s a warped twisted thing there now. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was run by a few demons unknowingly or not.” Dean watched a startling array of WTF play across Bobby’s face.
“And your dad, he has no idea about any of this?” Bobby asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, he is too obsessed with killing the thing that killed mom that he hasn’t been thinking straight on this. He isn’t treating our case like he taught me to treat every other case we have come across. Don’t get me wrong, I got really lucky meeting Asa, because the demons have slaughtered my mother’s side of the family pretty thoroughly trying to hide this. And as for my dad’s side of things, I got lucky there too.”
“Lucky how?”
“Found one of the last living members of the Men of letters, he was hiding out, but I tracked him down. He had a lot of information. Like I said the Men of Letters were like the librarians/historians of the hunters before they were wiped out in America at least.”
“Fuck Dean, what in the hell have you been up to this past year?” Bobby asked as he sipped his beer.
“A lot, but I would rather get into the meat of that after the kiddos are asleep.” Dean said as he looked back into the kitchen with soft eyes.
“Yeah, well, I aint going nowhere.” Bobby said gruffly.
~Sam~
Sam shuffled into his seat and tried to keep himself from hunching down. It wasn’t like he could force himself to be smaller and there was no way just being smaller was going to get the attention off of him. He was really starting to regret taking Jess up on her offer to go to her family’s place for thanksgiving. When Jess had found out he wasn’t in contact with his own family and would be spending the holiday alone she had made her mission in life to bring him with her. Sam hadn’t held up well against her puppy dog eyes and eventually he had caved.
He regretted it now.
Sam felt like a zoo exhibit, and he still wasn’t great at the whole making friends things outside of missions. At least on a mission you could lie about pretty much everything to fit in and not feel too guilty about it since you were saving people. Now he had to keep as close to the truth as he was able while feeling horrible about lying because there was no way around it. Most of the general population had no idea that monsters existed and trying to convince them otherwise was like trying to get people to believe in Santa Claus again or big foot. At best you come across as the weird conspiracy person or at worst you’re locked in a padded room until you’re ready to parrot the company line.
It was frustrating and alienating.
Sam spent most of the night wishing that he had held firm and stayed at their apartment. Between dinner and dessert Sam excused himself so he could take a breather outside away from all the questions. He hadn’t meant to, but he pulled out his phone half dialing Dean’s number before he stopped himself. While Dean would have understood and sympathized with him Sam wasn’t sure if Dean would have appreciated him calling just to vent.
Nothing had changed, Sam had a life now a real life and mixing his life with Dean would endanger that. That was the problem with lying, you had to keep lying and Dean not being up to date on his lies would put those lies in jeopardy. As much as he wanted to share his family with Jess too…he also wanted his family as far away from her as he could afford.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Jess’ sweet voice broke him from his stare down at his phone.
Sam smiled, “Its nothing.”
“OH, I think it is something, because you have that face on.”
“What face?” Sam asked offended.
“The I feel guilty but I can’t do anything about it face. You know the one, you had the same face when you spilled coffee on my laptop and I lost that assignment last week.”
“I don’t have a face!”
“Yeah you do, its only slightly different than the I want to talk to my brother but don’t want to call him face. I can tell the difference now because of the laptop incident.”
“Well…you’re wrong…it is my I want to call my brother face.”
“Ahh, so you want to call Dean but won’t?”
“That’s not fair Jess,” Sam said finally figuring out that Jess had tricked him into talking.
“Well, a girl has to have her own tricks,” Jess said smirking and bumped her hip against his.
“Yeah, well, still no fair,” Sam said smiling slightly.
“So why don’t you just call him Sam?”
“It’s complicated Jess…you wouldn’t understand…I just can’t…talking to Dean is never just talking to Dean. With Dean comes the family business and my dad and I just can’t have that in my life anymore. It’s always all or nothing with them.”
“I don’t think you’re being fair to Dean on this Sam; he was respecting your boundaries when you guys were talking. You told me that, why not just continue as you were?”
“Because…I just can’t Jess…its easier to break away clean than to keep up with whatever Dean is going through. I just…I miss him…but I don’t want to give up my life that I’ve been building with you.”
“Does it have to be all or nothing Sam?”
“Yes…it does. Look Jess…can we just drop this?” Sam asked, pained.
“Alright, but I still think you’re being a stubborn ass about this Sam.”
“I know…and I’m sorry.” Sam said and was surprised when Jess hugged him tight.
“Have you given any thought on therapy? I know you said it’s not for you, but I think you should reconsider. I know you have been talking to your pastor and that seems to have been helping you some but…I just think you should really consider it this time.” Jess pleaded into his chest as if she was scared to look him in the face while she was saying it.
Sam felt the guilt like a literal weight on his chest and throat, it burned keeping so much from her. “I can’t Jess…things like that won’t work for me.”
Jess was quiet for a while and then sighed before slumping into him. “Sam one of these days you have to let me in.”
Sam squeezed her saying, “I know,” all the while swearing in his heart to never shatter her safe world like that.
~~Dean~~
The image of Jesse, James and Jane opening their presents on Christmas morning is something that Dean knew he was going to hold onto forever. The looks of joy, the sound of James’ baby laughter as Jesse helped him rip his wrapping paper, the soft smile on Jane’s face as she held up a necklace he had given her with shaking hands. Jael looked adorable in her fluffy white dress and Adam had been so excited about his new guitar he was running from one end of the room to the other screaming with it above his head. Charlie had looked so amused by them all while grinning like a cheshire cat at her new computer. Cas had held his own necklace with the golden bee pendant with a funny look on his face. Bobby had refused to let anyone touch his vintage scotch and Kate had threatened to stab them if they even looked at her wine bottle funny.
He would remember the happiness, the warmth, the contentment he felt as his kids piled onto top of him for hugs and kisses until the day he died.
Dean held on to that now as his stomach turned and more hunters came into the bar he had bought in Bobby’s town. Ellen was behind the counter cleaning glasses and greeting each one like an old friend. They probably were her friends; their dad had kept them pretty isolated from the community and while Hunters were their own brand of crazy there were real friendships as well. Charlie seemed to be having a heated debate with Ash while Jane looked on with her usual serenity.
Dean was somewhat relieved when he saw Asa enter with his usual devil may care attitude because at least he knew someone. Bobby was scowling at Rufus who was also scowling right back at him. The kids were in the back room with Adam watching cartoons and hopefully staying out of trouble…well all but Jael who refused to be parted from her Daddy without a crying her head off so she was strapped to his chest. It definitely took a hit to his intimidation factor but all the hunters here were actually more cautious about being respectful with her there.
Now that he had major funding in his pocket Dean wanted to work on getting most of the good, reliable hunters on his payroll so that they wouldn’t get the FEDs on their trails. The fact that he was basically funding his own army was not lost on him and he wanted to use everything they had this time to stop things from going so out of control. It would definitely be easier getting them in line with money, having Charlie on the phone to use her ever-expanding database to answer questions on their hunts and having back up when needed.
When the last of them sat down Dean went up to the stage and the mike Adam had been so eager to set up.
“Hello, well…let’s get right down to it people. As you’ve probably guessed I’m Dean Winchester and I got you all here tonight for a deal. You sign up with me, you get paid to live your life as you are right now, you hunt, the only difference is that you hunt for me. What that means is I’m setting up an operation where we have a dedicated group of people combing the news and looking for hunts we will put you on. Of course, you can find your own hunts as well if you want to but that is not the main reason I am doing this. It’s so that when you are out there and you don’t know what you’re dealing with you have somewhere to call for answers. If you need backup, you have somewhere to call for back up, you need a cover, you need anything to make your job easier or better…well I am your guy.”
“What’s in it for you?!”
“This is just like any other job; I pay you and you do it. What I get is an organized system that helps us all and back up as needed.”
“Where do I sign up?” another voice called out from the back resulting in a room full of laughs.
“Kate will take down your information so we can make this look legit,” Dean said as he pointed out Kate who was set up at a large table on the side, “Charlie will be giving you your burner phones and the other information you need,” Charlie stood up and waved. “Finally, you see Jane, she is gonna give you some protection…there is no opting out of that.” Jane smiled and waved with both hands before Charlie eventually pulled her down with a shake of her head.
Asa was the first to make a beeline for Kate and Dean was relieved to see that the rest followed soon after. Dean went to check on the kids with Adam because he felt odd just standing around looking at everyone. He knew he couldn’t stay in there too long and so after he was done checking on them, he went back out to the bar for a root beer. Dean had just taken a sip when Asa swaggered up behind him grabbing him around his shoulders and said, “Hey there sexy! I was wondering where you had run off to,” right in his ear.
Dean felt his face get hot in what had to be an even more embarrassing blush and his stomach did the stupid butterfly thing it did whenever a man showed any interest in him. He coughed out the root beer that went down the wrong pipe, “Hey Asa, your as flirty as always.”
“Hey now, I only flirt with beautiful people,” Asa said winking at him before grabbing a beer from Ellen sending her a wink as well. “You know me Dean I don’t discriminate.” Asa grinned devilishly at him while looking him up and down.
Damn butterflies.
Just when Dean thought that he was going to die from embarrassment because he felt like he had two left hands and feet Cas swooped in to save him from being a bumbling idiot. “Dean, the sign up is finished and they have more questions. Kate mentioned bonuses for Hunter referrals and now they want to know the bonus structure and Charlie seems like she might hit someone if they keep trying to see the one you made on there.”
“Okay, thanks Cas I’ll head that way now!” Dean left quickly feeling flustered and paid no mind to Cas staying behind.
~~~~Cas~~~
“You didn’t have to do that you know I was just teasing him, Dean’s reactions to guys flirting with him is too cute not to,” Asa said gesturing to Ellen to bring Cas a beer as well.
“I don’t know what your inferring,” Cas said flatly looking at Asa like a thief.
Asa grinned and laughed, “Wow…you got it bad…fuck. Now I feel bad.”
“I think you’re mistaken,” Cas said turning to leave.
“He’s not ever gonna make a move you know,” Asa said casually as Cas froze like he had shot him.
Cas turned to look him with a flat look.
“Don’t look at me like that, it’s the truth,” Asa laughed and took another sip of beer only to choke when he saw devastation flash across Cas’ face before it went back to wooden. “Fuck…you really know how to make a guy feel bad. Fuck it,” Asa took the beer Ellen slid to him and handed it to Cas. “I’m gonna tell you some advice, from one man to another. If you’re waiting on Dean to make a move on you, don’t, it is never gonna happen.”
The anger twisted his little wooden face for a moment before Cas could stop it. He knew better than anyone that Asa wasn’t wrong, all those years that didn’t happen but happened told Cas he was right. Dean had never…showed that sort of interest in him. However, ever since Dean had come back to the past, had awakened him too, there was something there…something that Cas had never dared to hope for before.
“Look…I’m gonna tell you this because I owe Dean’s mom a debt…otherwise I would definitely…well…forget it. Dean seems to really like you…maybe love you…so here it is…Dean won’t ever make a move. He can’t. He’s too in his head about his asshole of a father and what he is expected to be as a man. You want something to happen with Dean…you will have to make the move. Dean has a lot on his shoulders, he has to be so in control of everything that when it comes to love…Dean doesn’t want to be the one in the reins. He wants someone to take charge. You want Dean…then you have to take that leap because if you wait for him to do it…its never gonna happen brother.” Asa said patting his shoulder and leaving Cas standing there dazed with his drink in hand.
His head felt light, his feet felt heavy, the blood in his vessel felt like it was boiling, and Cas didn’t know what emotion he was feeling. All he knew was that he didn’t enjoy it. Cas carefully set down the beer at the bar, so he didn’t accidentally destroy it sending glass everywhere while taking careful breaths. Ever since Dean had crafted his body separating him from Jimmy he had noticed that he was experiencing a wider range of human emotions. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was because his vessel was completely his own or if it was because the one who had crafted it was Dean who understood human emotional ranges more intimately than his divine father could.
All he knew was this increased range had benefits and setbacks.
Castiel wasn’t entirely sure which this was because it felt like his heart was about to burst out of his vessel and he felt impulsive.
He was going to do something extremely foolish.
His eyes swept the room and saw Dean handing off Jeal to Jane while talking to a few hunters.
Castiel had never taken the lead in any of his romantic liaisons, he had always been the passive party because he hadn’t known how to handle such situations. Dean had always been the aggressor in his romantic relationships, every time Castiel had watched Dean confidently claim the people he wanted he had always felt a bit envious. He had wanted Dean, but Dean had never made such an overture to him, so Castiel had believed him to be indifferent.
He hadn’t considered that he had never seen Dean be the aggressor in pursuit of a man.
Being genderless in his true form had left him blind to such nuances and he had naturally thought that if Dean wanted him, he would have had him.
Now Asa had pointed out his faulty thinking it left Castiel almost shaking with repressed feelings he could not name but only endure.
He felt stupid.
Dean would not make the first move…he could not whether it was because of his hang ups over his father like Asa inferred or because he just didn’t want to it didn’t matter in the end. Castiel now knew that if he wanted Dean…he would have to take him and not the other way around.
So, before he gave into doubt, before he could sink into thoughts of not being worthy, before he could second guess himself and stay in the comfortable place of loving but not loving. He decided to do something incredibly foolish. Castiel made his way across the bar and simply said, “Dean may I speak to you alone for a moment.”
Dean looked at him funny, perhaps his demeanor seemed off but nonetheless Dean nodded and followed him to the back of the Bar in the hallway just before the room the kids were in that was relatively private.
“What’s up Cas? Why do you look like you’re about to face off with Lucifer? Do we need to evacuate the bar?” Dean asked concern painted across his face.
“No,” Castiel said simply.
“Then what is going on Cas?” Dean asked looking more and more nervous.
Castiel looked up firmly into Dean’s eyes and simply said, “If you don’t want this tell me to stop.” Then Castiel grabbed the back of Dean’s neck and pulled him into a kiss. For a moment Dean was still, stunned and Castiel refused to let him stay that way aggressively kissing his mouth like he wanted to consume Dean. He didn’t have much skill, so the kiss was full of passion, tongue and teeth as Castiel did his best to kiss the soul out of him.
Just when he thought Dean would push him away, that he had ruined everything, Dean whimpered and started to kiss him back. Tentatively, Dean’s tongue guided Castiel’s into a better kiss, Castiel gentled but did not stop his aggressive plundering of Dean’s mouth. There was a click of a door opening that neither paid any attention to until a shout came from beside them, “OH SHIT!!! IT FINALLY HAPPENED!” Adam’s voice screamed.
Dean tried to pull away then, but Castiel would not let him. The hand he had on the back of Dean’s neck firmly held him in place and Castiel kissed him with the pent-up passion of years of yearning that had finally been answered.
He would not let this moment go.
Even when he heard the pop of a confetti popper and felt the paper shower down on them, he would not let Dean go. They heard Adam distantly as he ran away screaming incomprehensively to the bar.
“CHARLIE! CHARLIE! IT FINALLY HAPPENED! THEY ARE KISSING! KISSING! MOM GET ME A BEER! QUICK! QUICK! WHAT IS THE SONG THAT’S PLAYING RIGHT NOW! RECORD IT FOR POSTERITY!” There was a chorus of high pitched screaming that Castiel was sure a melody from Kate, Jane, Charlie and Ellen. Dean groaned into his mouth but continued to kiss him even as a flash of light that could only be a camera washed over them.
Castiel did not care, he continued to devour the mouth of the most precious existence in the universe.
He had loved this man for too many years, longed for him for what seemed like an eternity, and he would not let him go.
Remembering Asa’s advice to be the aggressor, Castiel pushed Dean into the wall using his other hand to lift Dean from the ground forcing him to wrap his legs around him as they kissed. Castiel did not let go of him, one hand remained firmly on the back of his neck the other had a bruising grip on his left thigh.
“WE HAVE TO PLAN THE WEDDING! GUYS! QUICK WHAT THE HELL IS THE DATE!” Adam’s screaming from the bar felt a bit distant as they drowned in each other.
“Adam, Gay Marriage isn’t even legal.”
“WHO. THE. FUCK. CARES! WE CAN STILL HAVE A WEDDING! I’M CALLING IT RIGHT NOW GUYS I AM DEAN’S BEST MAN AND ANYONE WHO TRIES TO TAKE THAT FROM ME I AM THROWING HANDS!”
“YOU CAN’T CALL DIBBS ON THAT!” came the surprising scream from Jane.
Castiel reluctantly pulled away when he heard the song end and looked up at Dean who was flushed in his arms. Dean’s lips were a bit swollen and pink. His pretty green eyes looked at him in a daze and Dean looked thoroughly ravished. Castiel growled low in his throat looking at him, it startled both of them and for very different reasons. For Castiel it was because the growl had been ripped out of him, a combination of his vessel trying to mix with his angelic crooning. For Dean he went beat red in a blush, his hands came to cover his face in embarrassment and gave a weak whimper unconsciously squeezing his legs wrapped around Castiel’s hips.
“Fuck,” Dean groaned.
“I will take this as your consent to be mine,” Castiel growled.
Castiel felt out of control, like he was barely holding onto his sanity.
Dean dropped his hands in surprise and groaned, “FUCK” again. Then Dean leaned down to kiss Castiel again before he could go all the way Castiel surged up capturing his lips like a man starving.