Chapter Text
“One sweetly solemn thought, comes to me o'er and o'er; I am nearer home today, than I ever have been before.”
Phoebe Cary
Eddie was never taking over someone’s night shift alone ever again. He forgot how lonely it was to work with people he didn’t know - or, he guesses, regularly hangs out with. Maybe it would have been fine if he had been able to convince Maddie to also take the shift with him. When he had posed the question, she had laughed in his face before patting his cheek. ‘Nice try, Diaz,’ she had smiled.
Sure, he had been the one to corner Craig and beg him to switch shifts with him, but that was because Dani would be celebrating her first birthday soon, and everyone was coming out for that. There weren’t many times when Eddie could get together with his family without something happening. Last year, when Alice and Wally had flown out for two weeks, Gregg had been murdered. And the time before that, in Texas, he had confronted his father - Ramon. And the time before that…
He just wanted this time to be perfect. No deaths. No danger. No close calls. Just…family. And a birthday party was just the kind of thing they needed. With the wedding right around the corner, well, another six months from now, it would be nice to form some nice in person memories with his sisters and their partners before he took Buck as his own. Legally.
It had been Buck who had pointed out first that by now they now actually qualified for common law marriage if California had actually recognized it. He meant it sweetly. Jokingly. That didn’t stop the guilt from stirring in the pit of his stomach. The wedding had been pushed back three times now. Just stupid, unavoidable things would happen and, whoops, wedding pushed.
I mean, Eddie thought bitterly, who needs a roof anyway?
Venues had canceled last minute due to not-so-natural disasters, and sisters had to cancel for the same reason.
Things happen. Life happens.
Judd had laughed at him the last time he had texted everyone and moved the wedding date. Again.
‘Do you and Buck really need that tax break that bad?’
Eddie had texted him a picture of Dani flipping him off. He had replied with a video of Charlie and Ezra returning the gesture.
‘Don’t turn my nephew against me.’
Night shifts were weird for a number of reasons; he had already spent the entire day at the beach with his children - where he had helped a fellow dad - so he was exhausted from the heat. Second, the weirdos came out at night. Nothing he hadn’t dealt with while with the 118, but it was weirder being on this side of it all.
Usually after a particularly stressful call, he’d turn and try to catch Maddie’s eye. Even if it was just to express his frustration with everything. As they had begun working together more frequently, Eddie realized that the two of them got along well. Well enough that Chimney commented on it every time they hung out.
‘If you didn’t have your own Buckley, I would think you were conspiring to take mine.’
‘You know, just as well as I do, that those two own us,’ Eddie had replied with a mischievous grin and a nod of approval from his daughter.
Eddie had just taken a call from a guy who thought it would be wise to get high and lay out on his balcony naked during a dry lightning storm. He had called and suggested to Eddie that the aliens from dimension Q were trying to break through the cracks in the sky. EMTs had taken him to the hospital to sleep off the LSD and remain hydrated.
Eddie had turned his chair to laugh about it with Maddie, when he remembered, she was at her home with Maria and the kids. Which brought him back to this thought - he would switch another shift without a buddy ever again.
“Alright people,” Maggie, the night-shift lead, began from the front of the room, her tablet held tight. “We have a five alarm fire at the MacArthur Park apartments. Ladders 125, 162, 107, and 118 are in route, we are expecting more calls as the night carries on. Luckily, the rain has started since then, just reassure folks. Help is on the way.”
“Help is on the way,” the room parroted. Night shifts were weird regarding his coworkers, too. They had little chants and quirks that Josh and Deb would never be caught dead doing. Eddie just swallowed back a grimace and began typing something as he caught Maggie approaching him in the corner of his eye.
She was a walking sunshine ad, which was surprising since Eddie was sure she had never seen the sun with how pale her features were. Or her insane work schedule. “Hi, Leutinete,” she smiled widely, “we got a request from the guys in red that they want you to work with the lead battalion chief on this call. Can you handle that?”
“Yes, ma’am,” he nodded, knowing that she was only slightly patronizing because she hardly worked with him. Didn’t know what he was capable of. What he was willing to do.
“Knew I could count on you. I’ll let them know,” another large grin, and Eddie could already feel his social battery drain. He was definitely sleeping though tomorrow if given the chance. Maybe he could convince Grandpa Bobby to take the kids, including his wonderful fiancé, just so he could recharge.
The lieutenant looked back at his notes, and pulled up who was called, smiling to himself when he saw the familiar name.
“Battalion Chief Nash, this is dispatch, how can I be of assistance?”
“Glad to see they’re putting you to work over there,” he heard Bobby’s voice through his headset. Eddie let out a soft chuckle. Bobby had stepped into the role of Battalion Chief like a duck to water.
“You have five houses coming, and we’re hoping that the storm helps mitigate the flames. However, I don’t need to remind you how quickly the wind can change in your favor.”
“Understood, dispatch. The 118 is pulling up now.”
Eddie nodded, opening up the notes from other dispatchers. “We have a father who called a minute ago saying that his daughter and parrot were still inside on the second story. He made it very clear that the daughter would not leave without the parrot. Her name is Janice and she's four. Then there’s an elderly man on the top floor who is on oxygen and his neighbors are concerned that he might be passed out. We currently have seventy percent of the apartment accounted for, with ten percent of them still trapped.”
Eddie waited patiently as Bobby took over, his radio off, but the fellow dispatchers’ notes filled up his screen. He liked being essentially the fire liaison between the LAFD and dispatch. It made calls like this easier - he could relax knowing that his crew; his family, was in Bobby’s hands.
“Dispatch, this is Captain Han of the 118, we are setting up the ladder to begin extinguishing flames on the fourth floor before attempting a rescue.”
“Understood, Captain.”
“You having fun over there, Mr. liaison?”
Chimney’s voice chuckled across the radio.
“Oh, you know me. Always having a blast.”
Eddie glanced up to catch Maggie’s watchful eye. Another thing about night shift was the lack of understanding that some of the dispatchers had between themselves and other first responders. While Maddie and him had the 118 and Athena, Eddie knew that his other day shifters had their own special connections. For example, Linda had a soft spot for the 132 after they came and extinguished a small grease fire that happened at one of her neighborhood barbecues.
They were friends. Friends talked and checked in on each other.
But Eddie knew that chatter over the main line was not to Maggie’s approval, and so he squared himself and began to review the notes he had.
“Dispatch,” Eddie heard over the crackle of fire, “it’s raining.”
Nothing could stop the grin that encompassed his face. “Sounds good. That’ll definitely help get the last few remaining residents out quicker.”
“Something’s not right,” another voice chimed in. A voice that Eddie had spent the better half of the last five years waking up to. A voice that calmed all of his fears and alleviated his worries. That sang soft lullabies to their daughter, and reassurance to their son.
A voice that had cut off abruptly with the sound of a whip.
“Firefighter Buckley?” Eddie tried, finding that his line, his connection, to the 118 was open wide. He couldn’t communicate to anyone on the other side until someone’s finger let up off of the radio. “118?” He tried, despite knowing it was useless.
He stood up abruptly, his chair moving away from him. His heart pounded in his ears, but he tried to reason with it. The weather was just messing with the lines. Nothing was wrong. This was a routine fire. Easy fix.
“Does anyone have a connection to the five alarm fire?” He addressed his fellow dispatchers, eyes flying wildly around the room.
“Firefighter down,” someone across the room announced.
“What?” Eddie felt as though he had been punched in the gut. All the air deflated out of him as he placed a hand on the headset, forcing his ears to try and pick up anything. Anyone. A sign of life.
“A firefighter was struck by lightning,” another said in solemn astonishment.
A firefighter.
His firefighter.
“Eddie,” a voice finally broke through the static. It sounded distant and muffled. “Buck’s radio is jammed, so we can’t–“
“Come on, Buck,” he heard Chimney beg. “Hold on, buddy.”
“We’re going–“
“I need a life pack!”
“On it,” a muffled voice replied. Ravi.
“No pulse.”
“I need that life pack now!”
“No,” Hen’s voice, calm and calculating. She was in shock - she was doing her job. “It doesn’t make sense to shock him. He’s in full cardiac arrest.”
A pause.
Realization hit Eddie like a truck.
“Disregard that command, Ravi!” Chimney called out. “Get the ambo ready.”
The only sounds Eddie could make out that were picked up from Buck’s busted radio were silent prayers. A mantra over and over again.
Come on, Buck.
“Dispatch,” Bobby’s voice began again, accompanied by a symphony of sirens. “Eddie,” he corrected. “I don’t know if you can hear me but we’re three minutes out from the nearest trauma center.”
“Still unresponsive.”
“We’re heading to the Leavy Trauma Center,” Bobby informed him. “Can you call ahead?”
He could do that.
Eddie listened to Bobby rattle off the important information and took note before his fingers danced over his keyboard as he switched channels and dialed.
“Leavy Trauma Center, Catherine speaking.”
“Catherine, this is Los Angeles dispatch. A firefighter is en route, two minutes. He was electrocuted from a lightning strike, and is in cardiac arrest. He was down for three minutes before medical began compressions. Lightning went through his hands and out his knee.” He didn’t have to specify which one. “Right down the midline. Could be some damage to major organs.”
“Anything my crew should be aware of, dispatch?”
Yes. He’s a father. He’s the love of my life. He has two children who need him. I already lost one partner, I can’t afford to lose another. He has a sister. She already lost one brother. Don’t make her lose a second. He’s an uncle. He’s a friend. He’s Buck. He’s Evan. He’s my everything. Please. Please. Save him. Dios, save him.
“He’s an amputee. Metal prosthetic. History of blood clotting. He’s not currently on any medications, but he does have an allergy to naproxen.”
She didn’t need to know that. He didn’t have a fever or heartburn. The hospital would never administer it for this. But for some reason she had to know. Eddie had to give her the full picture, so that she could save his partner in the quickest way possible.
“Thank you, dispatch.”
It could have been Eddie’s imagination, but he was sure her voice had gone softer at some unbenost knowledge.
The line went dead and he quickly switched back over to the 118.
“Nothing,” he caught the last of Chimney’s sentence.
“Come on, kid,” Bobby’s voice was soft, barely being picked up by radio amongst the chaos. “You can’t give up now.”
Buck wasn’t giving up, Eddie wanted to say. It wasn’t in his nature. But sitting in a room full of people who didn’t know him, couldn’t relate to him, was causing doubt to creep in. If Josh was here. Or Maddie…
Maddie.
How selfish it was to beg for her to have to listen to this. Forced to sit in a catastrophe of blind faith and false hope.
He listened to the tell tale sounds of Buck being passed off to awaiting doctors. To the 118’s pleas.
He would have sat there forever and listened if some quick thinking nurse hadn’t stripped Buck of his turncoat, leaving the radio abandoned in some hospital hall.
There was nothing Eddie could do.
The 118 would probably switch channels. Talk to dispatch some other way.
Bobby would either return to the scene or relengish command to some other Battalion Cheif or captain for the remainder of the night.
Eddie knew he should switch as well. Walk away, as was protocol.
But he couldn’t.
So, instead, he sat there and listened to the telltale sounds of nothing.
“Eddie,” a gentle hand on his shoulder pulled him back.
“Kyle,” he let out a soft breath. Kyle was one of the fire liaisons that Eddie had worked with regularly ever since he fully transitioned into his new position. It was part of Kyle’s many jobs to inform the loved ones of firefighters that there had been an incident. To drive them to the hospital and stay with them, just in case.
Eddie had never envyed Kyle’s job.
He envied it less now.
“I know,” came out a cracked voice.
“Let me-“
“No,” he pulled back. “Wait. Please. Evan has a sister.”
“Let me take you over first. It’s on the way-“
“No,” Eddie tried again, more forceful. “She doesn’t…she shouldn’t…I should be the one to tell her.”
Kyle chewed on Eddie’s words for a second; Eddie understood the tactic. He was weighing his options. Was it worth it to pull teeth with Eddie or just give in?
The latter seemed to win.
“Let’s go then.”
Eddie tried to stay focused as Kyle drove. It wasn’t an emergency, there was no need for lights or sirens, but Kyle asked anyway. Eddie declined.
Let Maddie live in bliss a little longer.
Let Eddie catch his breath.
He was thankful for Kyle. There was no way that Eddie would have stopped for any red light. Not for Evan. Not for his family.
After an excruciating twenty minutes, they pulled up to Maddie’s street.
They had bought a new home. One that had yet to see any hardship or sorrow.
Who was Eddie to ruin that?
“Let me,” Eddie begged. Kyle nodded and the lieutenant walked up the stone pathway, taking one final breath before knocking.
He heard soft laughter echo from the other side before the door opened to reveal Maria. She looked happy. Excited, even, to see Eddie, before realization dawned on her, eyes wide.
She was over for the night, watching the kids with her sister-in-law by extension. They were all there. Eddie had forgotten. Eddie’s breath hitched as he remembered Chris and Dani were only a few rooms away.
“Maddie!” She cried as the older woman rounded the corner, niece in her arms.
Maddie, bless her soul, knew what Eddie’s presence meant. Her smile dropped into horror as she asked a question that only someone so connected to first responders would ask. “Which one?”
She was already breaking down, all while holding his daughter. He had to be strong for her. For them all.
“Evan.”
Maddie nodded in comprehension, because Eddie was sure she didn’t understand the significance of it.
“He’s…” Eddie wasn’t sure what to say. How to continue. Luckily, he didn’t need to.
“He was in an accident,” Kyle added, having guessed correctly that Eddie’s tongue would be commandeered by panic. “They have him in trauma care as we speak. I’m here to escort the two of you,” he glanced between the two dispatchers, “to the hospital. Sergeant Athena Grant is on her way over to help you.” At this he turned to Maria. “The extensive care unit is no place for children.”
Maria understood and took the one year old from Maddie’s arms. “Thank you,” she nodded.
Eddie watched his sleeping daughter stir only slightly as her mother repositioned her. He selfishly wanted her to open her eyes, just so Eddie could catch their blue hue. The same blue she had the privilege of sharing with her dad.
A blue that Eddie wasn’t sure he’d ever get to see on his Evan ever again.
Instead, he turned and faced his faux sister, who shared the same complimentary features that every sibling shared. Her eyes were already swollen and red, reminding Eddie that he had yet to break down because he knew that she had needed him.
“Come on,” his voice was soft as he pulled her into his arms. “He’ll be alright,” Eddie lied, “he’s Buck.”
She nodded into his collard blues before following Kyle out to the squad car.
The two sat in the back, in silence, as Maddie gripped his hand in hers. As if letting go would trigger some world shattering event.
Eddie’s world was already shattered, and he was pretty sure hers was too, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he held on just as tight.
They raced through the trauma unit, Kyle on their heels. Something unspoken between them as Maddie pulled on Eddie’s hand, begging him to keep up.
It said, don’t lose hope. Don’t give up.
Eddie wasn’t sure how he couldn’t.
How many times did he have to go through this? How many hospital visits could he endure before their collective luck ran out?
“What do we know?” Maddie asked once they approached the 118. Chimney looked defeated, while Hen looked downcasted. Ravi wouldn’t even meet his eyes.
Bobby was the first to speak.
“He’s alive. Critical condition.”
Those two sentences, slammed together, did nothing to help the breath leave Eddie’s chest.
“They put him in a medically induced coma to allow his body to rest and recover,” the battalion chief continued. “Next few days will be critical.”
The world seemed to slow down and get fuzzy as Eddie’s knees locked up.
“Oh my god,” Maddie whispered, “Evan…”
“He’s on life support,” Hen continued, placing a hand on Eddie’s arm. “Breathing with the help of a ventilator.”
“The lightning strike sent a literal shock to his system. Sent him into cardiac arrest.”
They were telling them this because the two of them understood the medical jargon that came with the job. It was supposed to make them feel better. It wasn’t.
“That’s his doctor right there,” Chimney pointed as a woman down the hall began to approach them. “I’ll introduce-or you can just walk up to her yourself…”
Eddie had already begun to pull himself away from the group approaching the doctor with long strides. His demeanor akin to that of a solider on a suicide mission. She looked kind, but Eddie wasn't in the mood for niceties or sympathy.
“The firefighter that got brought in,” Eddie brashly began. “Where are his personal belongings?”
“I…” the woman was caught off guard. He couldn’t blame her. Didn’t mean he was going to let up. “What?”
“The firefighter who was struck by lightning. Where are his personal belongings? He had a ring on him. On a chain. Around his neck. Where is it?”
“I’m sorry…I don’t…?”
She was looking at Bobby for help, but Eddie’s nerves were too shot to allow her any grace. He leaned into her line sight again. “I’m his husband.” He could hear a memory, a reminder of Buck’s hand on his shoulder. A memory of Buck reminding him to ‘play nice’. “Please,” Eddie tacked on, because that is what Buck would’ve done. Would’ve asked him to do.
That got her attention.
“I don’t know. I’ll have to look.”
His facial expression must’ve converted something feral because she backed off pretty quickly. Because, despite it all, that’s what Eddie would do.
“I’ll try to find it.”
“Try harder.”
Bobby placed a hand on his shoulder, dispelling the memory, as the doctor retreated away, but Eddie was feeling too hot, too miserable to accept it. He shrugged the hand off before leaning against the wall, eyes screwed tight in a flimsy attempt to keep his emotions at bay.
“When can we see him?” he asked no one in particular.
“Well, if you didn’t scare off the doctor-Hey!”
Eddie sent a glare out towards Chimney, but relaxed a little as he watched Hen smack him upside the head.
“Sorry, sorry,” Chimney added, throwing his hands up in surrender. “I joke when I’m stressed. I’m stressed. Obviously.”
Eddie nodded, aware of Maddie watching him with a sad expression on her face.
Lo siento, he thought. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to protect him.
She looked away, as if she heard his apology. As if she couldn’t stomach that kind of sentiment right now. Because an apology meant that Eddie had given up.
But, isn’t that what happened?
“I’m going to call Maria,” Eddie overheard Ravi say with an uncharacteristic awkward tone to his voice. Eddie, feeling drained and defeated, looked towards the captain of the 118 for an answer once Ravi was in the clear.
“Poor kid blames himself for what happened to Buck.”
Anger flashed through Eddie’s blood as he frowned. “Que pasa? It’s not like he pulled the fucking lightning from the sky.”
“Eddie…” Bobby tried, but Eddie just steamrolled through it.
“What? Does he blame himself because it should’ve been him? That he should’ve been up on that goddamn ladder instead of Buck? Well tough shit. If he’s going to play the guilt card then he can keep his ass out of the hospital.”
“Stop it,” Maddie chided. “I understand that you’re scared, we all are, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to be cruel.”
“I’m not being-.” He paused, and took in a deep breath, as the dam broke. “You didn’t hear it, Maddie. You didn’t…”
Four pairs of arms wrapped around him as he broke down, crying harder than he had when Buck had lost his leg, gotten a blood clot, disappeared, any of that. Because this was somehow worse. Somehow more real than anything else that had happened to them, because they were so close. And now? Now he was in a coma for who knows how long, and he could die at any moment.
He sunk to the ground, his body raw and shaking with sobs.
Something’s not right.
It was the last thing Buck had said. He had said it to dispatch. To Eddie.
Normally their channels wern’t connected to dispatch unless they were receiving specific instructions. Normally it was just those high enough in the chain of command to relay orders. But the 118 knew Eddie. Buck had wanted Eddie to hear him.
“Come on,” Maddie pulled at his hand. “Let’s go to the waiting room.”
How could she be stronger than he was?
Eight hours. That’s how long Eddie had been sitting in the uncomfortable hospital chair.
Last time, when Dani was born, Buck had made a joke that they should begin rating the comfort of waiting rooms. This was a solid four, by their terms. By Buck’s terms.
“Six.”
Eddie looked up to see Taylor Kelly, New York Times proclaimed rising author and Buck’s best friend. Last that he had heard, she was in Costa Rica, doing a story for the, well, the New York Times.
“What?”
“That’s how many hours it takes to fly from Costa Rica to here, in case you were wondering. Five if you know a guy.”
He blinked up at her in utter confusion and exhaustion. “How can you get a guy to fly you faster than the universal time?”
She shrugged and took up the vacant seat next to him. “No idea. Don’t know a guy. Probably a private plane.”
Eddie nodded, all amusement lost on him.
They sat in an uncomfortable silence as Taylor figeted with her wedding band. “I came as soon as I got the news,” she began. “Told my crew that my brother had…” she trailed off, as if continuing was too hard. Eddie knew the feeling.
They fell into silence once more, this one, somehow worse.
Taylor didn’t beat around the bush. She spoke only truth, it was kind of her thing, and so the fact that she hasn’t told Eddie any of the lines that someone says when the love of their life is hurt, he knew that they were in the same boat.
“Lena is…”
“I know, Eddie, but Lena isn’t the person I’m worried about right now.”
He gave her a curt nod, before slumping forward in the seat.
The seat was a three.
“What can I do for you?” she asked. “Do you need Lena and I to watch the kids? Or…prep food?”
She was trying, it was obvious, to make Eddie smile, even just a little.
“I think…”
“Yeah?”
The dispatcher shook his head, deciding against it at the last second.
Taylor deflated next to him. “I’ll get out of your hair,” she promised, squeezing his arm. “But don’t do this, Eddie,” the reporter warned. “Don’t shut us out because you think it’ll be easier that way. It’s hypocritical of you.”
“Right,” his voice was dripping with exhaustion. “I won’t.”
Taylor was also a good bullshit reader, so the fact that she wasn’t calling him out on his blatant lie told them both just how fucked up the whole situation was.
Everything was a blur for Eddie - the hospital visits usually were. Someone had brought food and someone had tried to get him to eat, but he found that he couldn’t hold anything down. The one muffin he had eaten as a favor to Maddie had met the linings of a trash can thirty minutes later.
No one talked to him. Sure, he was aware that there were people talking at him, but the words were fuzzy and held no meaning.
Touch was numbing. He hasn’t even been aware he has been digging his nails into his skin until Hen chastised him. By hour 15 Meranda barred him from the hospital.
“You need sleep. Real sleep,” she added when he tried to object. “You and I both know what sleep deprivation does to the body, especially in stressful situations. I know you’re worried, but there’s nothing we can do.”
Eddie liked their chief. She was a no nonsense type of woman who had encouraged and <word for going to bat> Eddie when everything had happened the last two years. She was kind and supportive, and truly understood the risks of this job physically and mentally.
And right now he hated her.
“I don’t think you should be telling me what I can and cannot do,” he snapped back in a low growl. The effect was worsened by the scratchiness of under use of his voice. This had been the first thing he said - yelled, if onlookers glances were anything to go by - in hours.
Miranda, despite the severe height and stature difference, held her ground and didn’t flinch. Which, ultimately, pissed Eddie off more.
“Diaz,” she tried again, exchanging her soft voice for one of command. “I am ordering you to vacate the premises. I don’t care what you do beyond these walls, but, God, do I hope it’s sleep. If you do not, I will have you trespassed and dragged out kicking and screaming. Do I make myself clear?”
The threat was loose, and held no real merit. She’d never abuse her power like that, both of them knew it, but she had worked with him long enough to know how he operated. How Eddie was driven by command and order, especially when things felt out of his control. He was spiraling, anyone with eyes could see it.
“Yes ma’am,” he gritted out, still staring down daggers at her.
“Happy to hear it,” she smiled softly. “Battalion Chief Nash has offered to give you a ride, wherever you’d like.”
And just like that, his anger seeped from his bones and shifted into exhaustion. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Turning slowly, his head raised slightly, he caught all eyes plastered on him. All eyes, except Ravi’s.
Eddie knew guilt. He was raised Catholic, to him guilt was an old friend he’d take long walks with. But just because guilt was a friend, it didn’t mean he knew how to help others with their own relationship to it.
He couldn’t help Ravi - hell, he could barely help himself. Others might be able to, but, at this moment, it was the furthest thing from Eddie’s place.
He slept on the floor of his daughter's room.
It was, in his grief and sleep deprived mind, the only safe place for him. The only place so separated from half a decade of history. The place that was still constantly shifting.
Didn’t mean that the floor was comfortable.
Bobby had originally dispensed him in the master bedroom with an Advil and a glass of water, and then went to make himself busy in the kitchen. It took Eddie ten minutes to smuggle his way out, and collapse on the floor.
The theme was firefighters, both men thought it funny at the time, but now he wanted to tear it all down. He’d done that before, destroyed his living space, scared the hell out of his family.
He was regressing, and could feel it in his bones, under his skin where DNA collided. That was the Diaz way. Work towards a goal, and then come stumbling backwards at the first sign of danger.
Or maybe it was the Eddie way.
“Dios mio.”
The voice was chastising and clipped in nature, with a hint of sympathy. Almost like an Abuela looking over her grandbabies’ homework.
“Adriana?”
“Who left you here? You look like an ugly carpet.”
His head was groggy and he felt nauseous from the lack of food in his system. Luckily, Bobby’s business paid off and his eldest sister shoved a sandwich in his hands.
“Eat,” she commanded. His stomach turned and she rolled her eyes. “Eddito, you’re not helping anyone by killing yourself. Now eat.”
“Where’s Sophia?” He asked around a bite, the juiciness of the tomato turning ash as it coated his tongue. Eddie grimaced but continued to take bites.
“Setting up our work station.”
Eddie knew to not question how his sisters heard about his anguish. How they both were able to drop everything for him and come running every time.
“The kids?”
She ran her hand through his hair, her nails scraping his scalp. “At home. It’s easier to get one nonstop flight than five. You know that.”
He nodded, the sandwich finally gone. “Adri-“
His sister shushed him. “Come, we have work to do.”
Work, to anyone else in this particular situation, could mean anything, but for the Diaz siblings it was simpler than that. Work to them was simple over prep. It involved, in the case of Buck in a coma on a ventilator, a white board.
“Is that my kitchen board?”
“Correction. It was your kitchen board. Bobby’s already on grocery duty so I didn’t feel too bad about erasing it.” Sophia, her hair long and blue, wrapped herself around his middle. “How are you doing, baby brother?”
He responded by hiding his face in her curls. She understood instantly.
“Sit,” Adriana commanded, pulling Eddie over to the couch. “We have plans to make.”
On the board were three columns each labeled with large bold letters:
California
Texas
Alaska
“I’m glad you two know where we all live,” he tried weakly. His sister squeezed his hand in response.
“We all know that your brain hasn’t stopped coming up with scenarios since the storm,” Sophia sighed. “Lord knows mine wouldn’t.”
“So, we came up with a plan,” Adriana continued. “If we plan for the worst and hope for the best, at least we’re prepared. I know that whatever happens, you’ll have support. Your whole family will. But that doesn’t mean you have to make a decision now.”
He scrunched his brows together. “A decision? What the hell am I deciding? If I’m going to pull his plug or not.”
Anger rose up and crashed like a wave on rocks, dispersing through his whole body.
“No, no,” Sophia tried. “If something does happen to Buck, we just want you to know you have options. You narrow down so quickly during times like this that we’re hoping this will help you. Remind you of all the people in your corner.”
“So,” Adriana picked up the marker, “let’s start here. California.” She underlined the state’s name and began writing, just like a teacher would so the whole class could see. “Here you already have a house, and even if you were to move you have friends in the real estate business who would help you out no problem. You have your team and the kids have their Abuela and Grandpa, as well as Tia Maddie. Dani has her mama, and Chris has his friends.”
She then moved over to Texas. “Option two,” another underlined. “You move to Austin. The 126 pick you up or Grace gets you a job at dispatch if you want - they still love you over there, you know. We find you housing and the kids grow up by their Tia Adri and Monty, along with their cousins.”
“Or,” Sophia squeezed his hand again. “Option three. You move to Alaska. We set you up with the fire department up there, or whatever you’d like. Wally and April are off to college so we have the space if you’d like to move in.”
“Eddie,” his eldest sister reached over and gripped his knee. “You’re not alone in this. You never have been.”
He chewed his bottom lip, contemplating his next words slowly. “Is there a fourth option?”
The sisters exchanged a look before Sophia sighed long and loud. “Option four; you abandon your family and become a recluse in the hope that that brings you some form of life in your shattered soul.”
Eddie glared at her. “Really?” He asked angrily.
She returned the look with the same fervor. “Really, Edmundo. You want to uproot your life, fine by me. You want to move away and cut us all out. Cool, whatever. You don’t get to do that to your kids. You don’t get to leave them wondering why they lost everything in a single moment.”
Sophia was shaking with anger, causing the younger brother to recoil. Adriana sat on the other side of him, grabbing his hand in hers. “You don’t have to decide now. Hell, we hope you never have to decide. But we just want you to know that we’re here for you and the kids.”
Eddie let his head hang in shame as he let himself break down, once again.
Buck crashed the third day. Chimney and Maddie had been with him when his oxygen levels plummeted. Eddie had been with the kids and Maria when he received the call.
He didn’t sleep that night.
Buck was placed on ECMO. His heart had stopped, and in some ways Eddie’s had too. He refused to leave his side after that.
“They’re worried about his lungs,” Maddie whispered to him. “The doctors.”
He gave a curt nod, continuing to play with his partners fingers.
“Lighting caused a pulmonary contusion,” she continued. “They said-“
“How long does he need to stay on it?” Eddie asked, his voice hollow, not looking away from Buck.
She sighed. “A couple days, at least. The hope is that his oxygen levels will increase high enough, hopefully they can take him off sedation.”
Another nod. Another squeeze.
“He’s not going to be okay.”
“Eddie!” Maddie gasped. “Stop that. We don’t know until they take him off of it. Why do you have to be so negative?”
“And why do you have so much false hope?”
She glared at him. “Get out.”
“Excuse me.”
“Get out of my brother's room.”
“Get out of my husband’s.”
“He’s not your husband. Not yet.”
“Don’t remind me.”
They were both hurt, and the close proximity was only hurting them more.
Eddie was the first to crack. “I’m going to find some water.”
“You go do that.”
He left with a huff and his lungs tight. He almost missed the hand catching his arm.
“What…? Maria, what are you-?”
“Chris insisted on coming.”
“Kids aren’t allowed in the ICU. You know that. How did you even get them in?”
She rolled her eyes. “Ravi got them in. I simply covered for them.”
He raised a brow, leaning heavily against the wall.
Maria shrugged and plastered a fake smile. “‘Hi, how are you? I was wondering if you knew of any job opportunities in the hospital. I’m a home health caregiver and I’m thinking about transitioning back into the field.’”
“So you lied.”
“Carla coached me in it,” she confessed. “Eddie, come on, the kids miss their dad-“
“They shouldn’t have to see him like this.”I shouldn’t have to see him like this.
“But, Eddie, what if it’s the last time they ever see him?”
A shiver ran down his spine, immediately making him cold. “Don’t say that,” he hissed.
Maria, for all she was worth, raised a brow at him. “Poe que? It seems to be all that you can say these days. You snap at us when we’re hopeful and bite our heads off when we agree with you. You’re worse than Ravi’s stomach trying to decide if it likes dairy or not.”
Eddie closed his eyes and tilted his head back against the wall.
“Stop me if I’m not spitting truth,” she continued. “But you’ve been an asshole recently. I get it, you’re worried. We’re all worried, Eddie, but it’s no one’s fault that he got struck by fucking lightning.”
He peeked through a cracked eye. “Sounds like you’ve said this before.”
The younger woman sighed dramatically and practically flung herself next to his place on the hospital hall wall. “You know how these firefighters get. Ravi’s been blaming himself for days, as if we wouldn’t be just as worried if he had gone up instead of Buck. His excuse? That he’s not a father. I hate it. I hate that he values his life less then the rest of the 118 because of his status in life. Yes, he’s not married. Yes, he doesn’t have kids of his own. But that doesn’t mean people don’t love him.”
Her voice cracked at the end and Eddie pulled her into his side, in an effort to comfort her. They stood there for a solid minute before she pulled away, drying her face with the sleeve of her sweater.
“I’ve been selfish-“
“Save it,” Maria put a hand up. “I can’t take anymore apologies. Let’s go check on the kids.”
Eddie nodded, and followed the young woman back down the hall.
Outside the room, staring through the large ICU window was their teenager, breath practically fogging up the glass.
“He didn’t want to go in,” Ravi told them, the one year old’s face hidden in his neck as he held her. “Afraid he’d hurt Buck more.”
“He’s sick,” Chris explained. “That’s why kids are not allowed back here. Just like when someone has cancer, right?”
The teenager looked at his father for confirmation. Eyes wide full of fear and doubt. Eddie’s heart twisted as he took in a rather large breath, in an effort to steady himself.
“No, mijo, he’s not sick in that sense. You…you and your sister can come in, if you want.”
Chris didn’t reply, just silently returned his gaze to Buck’s sleeping form.
“He’s asleep. Don’t want to bother him.”
“Oh, Chris,” Eddie wrapped an arm around the tall boy, kissing the crown of his head. “You could never bother him.”
“What are all those tubes?”
Eddie glanced at where he was pointing, as if he hadn’t just been staring at them himself a mere half hour ago.
“It’s all part of this machine called ECMO. The idea is that it takes his blood and puts extra oxygen in it before returning it to his body.”
“Like a fish tank.”
The two Diaz boys turned around and looked at Ravi who in turn was blushing. “I mean…it’s kind of like a fish tank. You know? Filters the water, makes it easier for the fish to live.”
The two regarded him, glancing back at each other for confirmation before Eddie nodded slowly. “I guess it is kind of like a giant fish tank.”
“Like the aquarium,” Chris agreed, as Ravi’s shoulders dropped in relief.
“I’ll shut up now.”
“No, it’s…it’s okay, Ravi,” the older man reached forward and placed a steady hand on the shoulder not occupied by his daughter. “I’m glad you’re here. Really.”
After a beat, Chris leaned into his dad. “You think he can hear me? Even if I don’t go in?”
Eddie squeezed his son, his throat tight. “I’m sure of it. He loves listening to you.”
The boy nodded, placing a hand on the glass, careful not to tap it, as if Ravi’s words rang true.
“Hey, Pops, I…I know you’re hurt right now. More than usual. And I know this is worse than when Dad got shot. At least he was able to regulate his oxygen.” Chris smiled, as if the two were sharing some inside joke. “This is temporary, though. You’re going to get better. These machines are helping you, just like your leg helps you. You just need to trust that they’ll do their job.
“Listen, between you and me, you need to get better. Not because we want you to, but because it’s what you’re supposed to do. So come back. Come home. Please, Pops. If not for me, then for Dani. She’s only known you for a year. Doesn’t realize what a total dork you are. Please…”
Chris broke down into sobs then, his forehead pressed upon the glass as his body shook.
Ravi and Maria pulled away at some point, giving the two the space they needed.
“Chris…” Eddie placed a hand on his son’s back, rubbing it in small circles.
“Tell me he’ll be okay,” the boy pleaded. “Don’t lie. Tell me the truth.”
“I…I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
And sometimes, the truth is worse than a white lie of comfort.
“Eat.”
“Not hungry, Soph.”
“Sucks to suck. Eat before I make you. I raised a set of picky teenagers, Edmundo, I know how to make people eat.”
He rolled his eyes, accepting the protein bar from his sister. Eddie hadn’t returned to the ICU since Chris’ visit, instead exiling himself to the waiting room, where there was a contestant revolving door of friends and family.
Judd and Grace had been with him a few hours back, telling him about Wyatt and Kai’s relationship and how they went to the Sadie Hawkins dance together. How Charlie had said her first full sentence and it was what’s your emergency? How the 126 was doing and why they were all able to drop everything and be at his side.
They had all tried to get him to take care of himself. To eat. To sleep. To stay present. But none of them were his older sisters, who didn’t take no for an answer.
“Any updates?” He asked as he chewed his way halfway through the bar.
She shook her head, solemnly. “Still hooked up. I overheard Maddie telling Chimney that the doctors are planning to reassess tonight but…”
“But.”
“Yeah.”
They sat in silence for a bit, listening to the telltale sounds of the hospital. “I know this is hard on you,” she started up again. “Not being able to do something. Feeling helpless. But, come on, this is Ciervo we’re taking about. Mr. I’m going to rejoin the fire department after losing a leg. Mr. I’m going to swim in a fucking tsunami to get to my son all while missing his leg. He’s a survivor, Eddie. So are you. You’ll both survive this.”
She put her fingers to his lips when he tried to protest. “And I already know Maddie would be giving him this same speel if the roles were reversed. He’s going to find his way back to us. Just like he does, every time.”
The next time Eddie was in Buck’s room was two days later. A week already in a coma. Three days hooked up to a machine. At least that part was over now.
“His oxygen levels have improved enough for us to take him off the ECMO,” Dr. Becker announced. She was still nice to Eddie, even though in their first interaction he had been a right old bastard. She even brought him Buck’s ring.
“That’s good news, right?” Bobby asked. Eddie had invited them, when the doctor originally told him the news. Maddie, Chimney, Bobby, Athena, and him. Everyone else was waiting in the front room, that had officially been commandeered by the first responders across the nation.
Becker gave a curt nod. “That’s the idea. It still remains to be seen if your son can breathe on his own.”
Eddie’s eyes followed the oxygen tube up towards Buck’s lips before looking away.
“What’s next?” Athena continued, when no one else had spoken.
“We’re going to lower his level of sedation and then unhook him from his ventilator.”
Eddie jolted. “But you just said you didn’t know if he could breathe on his own. Why risk it? What if he can’t. What if-“
The doctor patiently put a hand out. “Let’s see what he does before we go down that road. From what I’ve heard, he’s a fighter. Let him fight.”
They wouldn’t take him off the ventilator, not for a few more hours, and so Eddie tried his best to sleep in the uncomfortable chair by Buck’s bed. This wasn’t like the first time, when Rosie had come in like a hero and gave him a place to sleep. No. Instead his back and neck was sore, but at least he could hold Buck’s hand.
At some point, in between sleep and awareness, Athena had stolen her way in. She was quiet, probably assuming that Eddie was finally catching up on some well needed sleep.
“I don’t know if you can hear me, Evan Buckley,” she started in way of introduction. Her voice was commanding, in the way it usually was when she was on call. Eddie had been on the receiving end of it a few times in his career to know that when she spoke, you shut up and listened. “But I do know that you never give up. So don’t start now.
“Bobby has already lost two children. Eddie, a spouse. They cannot survive losing you too. I know that’s selfish, to put this all on you. But it is. The machines did their damn job, now it’s up to you. So wake up dammit!”
She was silent again, so silent that Eddie would’ve thought she left if the door wasn’t so loud. Instead, she began crying and Eddie was too much of a coward to let her know that he could hear it all. If only Buck heard her as well.
He couldn’t breathe on his own, and for the 97 seconds Buck was flatlining, neither could Eddie.