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Chapter Text

All of the nightmares that I've had in the past two years have been horrifying, but this one might just take the cake.

It was complete sensory deprivation. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I couldn't hear. I could only feel wetness pooling around me, luring me into its depth. Slowly.

It felt thick and strange on my skin, coating it. A bath that couldn't clean me. In fact, it did the opposite.

The layers kept building atop my skin, weighing me down. I was sinking.

Slowly.

And slowly, my senses started to resurface, starting with my sense of smell. At first, I couldn't make out the scent because I could only focus on forcing my muscles to move against the demanding quicksand-like waves. But it was no use; I was not strong enough. I never was or would be.

I needed a sense of direction. I had nothing to propel me out of the thick metallic sea. Metallic. That's when it hit me.

It was blood.

But it wasn't fresh blood; it was coagulated. Tons and tons of it. A pool of it. Maybe even an ocean.

Was it my own?

Slowly, the light shone brightly. I must've been lost in darkness for a long time because the light assaulted my eyes, causing the waves of crimson to blur. My eyes struggled to adjust, and I was ready to give up. But my queasy stomach motivated me to escape this sea of terror.

And then I saw it. I saw him. He was above me on a rocky ledge, primarily hidden in fog. He smiled at me and dipped his finger in the waves to assumingely check the temperature. That grin, beautiful and brilliant, eased me, but I still was deep in my struggle.

"You're safe," he murmured.

The bright light ricocheted off his diamond chest, causing my eyes to burn even more. He was entirely nude, with blood dripping off his hands and lips; the red was the only color that contrasted against his alabaster skin. Despite the horror, he still looked like a God.

"I'm sorry, my love, you must've slipped. You weren't supposed to see this yet. I saved this as a surprise for you once you've been turned. I know how thirsty you will be, and I'd like to be prepared. You may not be strong enough to hunt in the woods for a few years, at least. Possibly even a decade!" He smirked at me, still twirling his ivory finger in the waves.

The scent was everywhere; it was all-encompassing.

Why was Edward not trying to pull me out? I wanted to beg him, but the waves rose higher, licking the edges of my bottom lip as if they were eager to make me taste it.

I forced back a gag.

"I know you will say that supplying you with an ocean of feed is excessive, but l just want to make this as easy on you as possible. You will get everything you need and more." He leaned down to kiss the top of my head.

My lungs burned, and black spots danced around in my vision. It wasn't long before I'd be completely submerged, and the thought made me so sick I could no longer stand it. The blood rose up high enough to cover my mouth and nose, so I tried to scream with my bulging eyes.

PLEASE. GET ME OUT.

Suddenly, I could no longer see again.

Was this some sick wedding ritual or something? A bloody baptism to prove my willingness? I was more than willing; I knew that I wanted nothing more in my life than Edward, than immortality. Was this a test of my strength? He already knew I couldn't stomach the scent of blood. He knew I was weak. So why? Was this Edward trying to scare me out of my decision once again? Nothing made any sense.

I started to slip away again in the vast darkness that seemingly called for me. It brought me back to last March when I was drowning after I dove off a cliff in La Push. I did anything to hear his voice; I was willing to die for him even then. Much like that time in the ocean, the drowning was happening much too quickly. I knew I didn't have much time left here, and soon, I would disintegrate and become one with the thick plasma. The pressure in my skull felt like a ticking time bomb; my muscles morphed into anchors, dragging me further down.

Down.

Down.

I saw the memories then. In my mind's eye, familiar faces leaped out and blurred together. It was a burst of scenes on fast-forward that I only had minutes left to understand.

I saw Renee and Charlie holding a baby girl in a hospital bed, cooing into her face. Then I saw her as an older child, waiting in the night for her mother to tuck her in. Her mother only came sometimes. I saw her embarrassed reflection in the ballet studio as she tripped over her own feet. I saw the Arizona sun, the moss-drenched trees in Forks, a red Chevy. I saw the girl, much older, consoling her father. She was surrounded by her friends at school, laughing. Then there was Edward holding her, kissing her so hard she fainted, saving her from James and Victoria. The Cullens' cold embrace, Jasper's hungry eyes, graduation. Emily's house, the fur of wolves, welcoming smiles fading into disgusted ones.

I saw her come back to life in Jacob Black's Rabbit, his warm smile that filled the hole in her chest, his heat, their shared kiss, his anger. I saw her dead eyes as she leaped off that cliff, her desperation in Italy, her nightmares finally slowing as Edward held her through the night. La Push driftwood, spaghetti at the Blacks' house, dreamcatchers.

I saw her unease when Edward got on one knee and her blank expression as the days passed by while she didn't process a single thing. I saw her desperation to be something other than herself, how she begged for it, and how thrilled her immortal future made her. I could see the way she refused to look back.

I saw all the tragedy, the danger, the people she hurt, the blood, the pain, the agony. Through it all, her safety was always considered, but why did she need it so often to begin with?

I saw it all so vividly, so undeniably real. I saw the life of Bella Swan for the first time. And I saw how it was all coming to an end.

At that moment, I was being pulled up by my armpits. I broke the surface, gasping.

"Let's go get you cleaned up, Bella. We'll be sharing our vows in only a few hours."

My eyelids flew open faster than I could stop screaming.

It was just a dream, just another dream. I glanced around my familiar room and sighed a sigh of relief as my body melted into my warm bed. But unfortunately, not even my warm bed stopped the nausea. The fact that it was a dream didn't seem to matter at all. I could still smell the blood.

The sickness lingered up my throat, and I knew that I had to flee the bed immediately if I was going to make it. I leaned over the porcelain bowl, hoping Charlie couldn’t hear me, and tried to puke as quietly as possible. Ugh. Leave it to me to have a dream like this the night before my wedding. Was blood something I could ever get used to? Would vampirism really cure this phobia that I've had since I was a kid? The thought alone caused another wave of sickness to ripple through my core.

I lay down on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, thankful that my traditionalist Edward refused to see his bride the night before. How would I even explain this without causing him to worry?

Anytime I was alone, which is almost…never, I have the nightmares. They aren't always about Edward or my future, but they always came. The future of never having to deal with another nightmare again will probably be one of the biggest pros of immortality. It almost seemed as if my mind can't handle everything happening to it; I suppose a human brain was never built for this. Vampirism was the fix.

I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes, and just like that, the silence was what did it.

The lack of distractions, the loneliness, my inescapable mind. It all hit me at once, and, just like my nightmare, I couldn't breathe.

My body felt like a machine that was kickstarting after a period of not using it. My chest violently heaved up and down as all the thoughts consumed me at once. It was easier to push it all down and store it away than to face it. It was easier to move forward without looking back.

What was the rush to turn? Well, this was a big part of it. Of course, I love Edward and his family as my own. I deemed him my life, my everything, but why was I here? Why was I still drowning? I always knew it would come to this, but was I truly ready?

I slapped my head to force the thought away because I didn't want to think it, but I couldn't stop it as it slipped past the defenses I'd placed in my mind. When the thought hit me, it actually startled me.

But I couldn't help but think it:

I don't think I can do this.

Tears began to flow down my cheeks, and I could no longer keep my sobs inaudible. Deep wails that came from the pit of my stomach echoed in Charlie's small bathroom.

I don't think I can do this.

My limbs started to convulse as I imagined a life frozen in time, something I've thought about repeatedly in a positive light. Physical perfection, agility, forever with the love of my life. How could this be bad? Was my doubt just self-sabotage, or maybe it was everyone else's projections contaminating my choice? Maybe I did want it. But maybe I wanted it because it's an escape from Bella Swan. The girl that hasn't handled anything.

Charlie came rushing into the bathroom, wide-eyed and panicked.

"BELLS? Bells? What's going on? What happened?!"

He rushed to his knees and scooped me in his arms, checking me for injury.

"Shhhh, shhhh. It's alright, Bells, deep breaths. I've got you, baby girl, I've got you." He soothed my hair with one hand and gripped me tight with the other.

"I c-can't d-do it," I screamed into his chest.

Charlie stayed silent; he knew exactly what I meant.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, do you hear me?"

But I did want it. Or I thought I did.

A sharp pang of guilt launched into my side from thinking about every sleepless night my father had to endure because of me. He might just be better off with me gone at this point.

I couldn't even explain all of the events that have happened in the past two years; there was no use in getting him to understand. He would never understand; nobody would. Well, not nobody.

Those who knew this world exists currently hate my guts.

The pack, who felt like a family. The way I expected all of them to be dragged into my mess. I sat at their tribal council, listening to their stories and warnings, yet it changed nothing. It was embarrassing. I pushed away the only other people that would ever understand. So, really, I deserved this.

I shook my head in his arms and attempted to compose my confused mind.

"I-I'm sorry. I'll be fine. It's j-just a-a l-lot."

Charlie pulled himself back to look at my face. Immediately, I covered it with my hands.

"This is what you want to do, right? You're just feeling scared, is all? You know I think you're too young, but I want you to do what's right for you."

I thought of Edward. Not the Edward in my dream. The real one who I knew must be right for me. My feelings for him were much too intense, much too real to tell me otherwise. I felt the panic fade.

"I-it's just n-nerves, D-dad. It is right for m-me."

"Well, you're not looking so great right now, Bells. Maybe you should hold off for-"

"N-no. No more waiting. I-I can do it, it's j-just…h-hard. I have to sleep now."

He gave me a stern look and sighed.

"Alright, let's get you to bed, sweetie; it's 2 in the morning. We both gotta be up early. Sleep on it tonight and see how you feel in the morning. There is no need to rush if you aren't ready. Understand?"

Immediately after Charlie tucked me back into bed and shut the lights, I started shaking again. The quilt my mother made me and my purple weighted blanket couldn't eliminate the chill in my bones. I stared at the ceiling, knowing that I wouldn't sleep tonight.

Just one last night alone with myself. I could do this.

The hours ticked by meaninglessly. 3,4,5,6 AM. I didn't even try to go back to sleep because waking up from another nightmare wasn't worth it. By the time it was 7 o'clock, Alice was already knocking on the door.

—————

Looking at my reflection in Alice's giant vanity mirror was simply disturbing; my bloodshot eyes were 'inexcusable,' as Alice said. My exhausted mind played tricks on me, making my brown irises turn red whenever I blinked.

Alice tamed my wild hair and greasy skin with expensive products. She managed to make me look somewhat normal, but it still didn't look like me. I didn't recognize the person in the mirror, but I figured I ought to get used to that.

When I slipped into the dress, I tried to imagine that it was the communion dress I wore when I was little. Nothing crazy, just a white dress, nothing to freak out over. Rosalie pulled the lace tightly, and even though we did the dress fitting only a month ago, I struggled to fill it out.

"Bella, have you not been following the food plan I made for you? That had the amount of food to eat to maintain your weight in order to fit in the dress!" Alice huffed as she rummaged around her dresser, looking for God knows what. I said nothing.

"Look, I just gave it as a guide, not for you to be super strict with it. But come on, you clearly didn't even care! You must have dropped 8 pounds."

"Sorry," I muttered. "I've been anxious."

"You haven't had to lift a finger for any of this, Bella. But it's okay, I can fix it."

She and Rosalie worked on me for a bit longer. They fixed the dress, finished my hair, and added the final touches to my look.

The tension radiating off Rosalie's body was palpable. She mostly stayed quiet but gave me a few encouraging nods. When she spun me to face the mirror, I saw the yearning in her tight smile.

The comparison between Rosalie and I in the mirror was quite comical. I looked like a wet dog next to her, even on my wedding day, completely done up and polished. I knew that my lack of sleep didn't help, but it didn't matter. I could only hope that when I turn, I could be even a 1/4th of as beautiful as her.

And even with this, she longed to be in my place right now. She longed to be human, as she'd told me once before. And for a split second, I understood why Rosalie felt this way when a scene from my nightmare flashed before my eyes again, and her words purred in my memory:

"After you've been changed, there's one thing you'll want more, one thing you'll kill for. Blood."

I tried to shake it away, but it didn't budge. The only way to get it out was to keep moving forward. Sitting still in silence was my enemy. Thinking was my enemy.

I sprung out of my seat and went to find Charlie. It was time to get this on with.

————

"Not ready yet, kiddo. Give me like 20 minutes. We're still pretty early, doncha think?" Charlie shouted from behind Carlisle's door.

"Alright, I'll be in the bathroom," I said, already trudging towards it with the bottom of my dress in hand.

The pristinely clean bathroom that's never been used was eerily quiet. Beautifully vacant. Another flash of the nightmare sprinted through my head.

"Augh! Stop. Stop!" I immediately threw my hand to cover my mouth, knowing the Cullens definitely heard me. I didn't want Alice to come and ensure I wasn't getting my dress in the toilet. I'd like at least some dignity to be able to use the bathroom by myself.

I ran the water to fill the room's silence, closed my eyes, and thought of Edward waiting outside for me. I was sure with how striking he would look in his tux would make this all worth it. I craved him through all this madness. He was the reason I've gotten through every situation, time and time again. I could get through this one.

Another flashback of his face dripping with blood ran through my mind.

"My GOD!"

I angrily shut the sink off and pushed the door open, hurrying to escape the silence. I managed to take one step until a literal wall prevented me from going any further.

"Talking to the toilet in there, Bells?"

I jumped and nearly fell backward. It only took one of his arms to steady me. I had to look up to see his face. The familiar wide grin he wore didn't quite meet his eyes, which were clearly very tired. I'd never seen bags under his eyes this dark; I would've guessed he hadn't slept for weeks. His hair, long and shaggy, brushed through with his fingers no doubt, had a few leaves strewn within it.

"Jake?!" I threw myself at him, and he picked me up in a clumsy spin hug. "W-what're you doing here?!"

He set me down, ensuring my dress wasn't tangled up.

"Was I not invited? Tellin' me you had nothing to do with those pretentious ass wedding invitations? Man, who would've guessed…"

"No, no. I mean, yes! Yes, you were invited. I- I just didn't expect it. I didn't think you'd exactly want to come."

I saw his eyes twitch. Pain, no doubt. Which I felt immediately writhe through me, paired with my own guilt. Jacob's pain was my pain. It always will be.

"Well, I'm here. Hope you don't mind the, uh, attire. I just threw on whatever I could find at home, and I sorta just ran here. I've not been on two legs in almost a month now; feels kinda weird," he said, shaking his legs with a smirk. He wore a white button-up, dark denim jeans with black combat boots.

"It's fine, Jake; I'm just happy you're here." I went in for another hug, gripping a bit tighter this time. I missed Jacob. Everything seemed to be okay now.

"Ahem." Jake and I twirled around to see Alice standing there with her hands on her hips.

"Who let the dog inside?" She said as she separated us with her small, stone hands. "Stay off him, Bella; you'll get dirt on your dress! Ugh, look, already one of the pins undid. Back to my room, let's go."

"I haven't seen Jake in a month, Alice; give us a minute, please? We have time." I pleaded.

"What are you even doing here?" She asked, ignoring me and turning to him with a glare. "I didn't want anyone to see the bride until she's down the aisle."

Jake threw his hands up in a mocking defense.

"Chill out, porcupine leech; I'm the best man. Pretty sure that doesn't break any wedding rules." He nudged me in the ribs. "Right, Bells?" I nodded.

"Still, I don't want you in here. Is this really how you show up to a wedding? Who knows where you've been. Getting your filthy paws all over her, ugh!"

Jake poked my shoulder. "Ooh, someone scrub her down ASAP. What ever will we do!" He put his hand on his forehead like a damsel in distress. "Give me a break; I'd be more concerned about you getting bloodstains on her. I'm sure you leeches had to hunt this morning to prevent you from killing all the guests." He laughed darkly.

Alice hissed while Jake just crossed his arms, staring down at her. Their height difference was undoubtedly hilarious.

I stepped between them. "Both of you cut it out!" I cupped Alice's shoulders. "Please. I'll be right in; just give us a few minutes. It would mean a lot to me."

"Fine. But make sure you put the dog out, too. The stench gives me a headache." She spun around like a little pixie back to her room.

Jake burst out laughing.

"No way do you deal with that. What a tiny tyrant! Also, I didn't know bloodsuckers could get headaches."

"They can't. She's just dramatic." I whispered as quietly as I could, though I knew she still heard me.

I placed the train of my dress in Jacob's right hand, grabbed his left hand, and pulled him down the stairs, then out the front door. I hesitated, remembering Edward was somewhere outside, so I pulled him down the driveway and into the edge of the forest.

"Are we in earshot?" I whispered to Jake.

He nodded his head no. I exhaled.

"What's up? Getting cold feet?" He snorted.

"No! Is that why you came to talk to me? To try to change my mind?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Uh, pretty sure you're the one who just dragged me out here to talk to me. Are ya losin' it on me now? First chatting it up with the toilet, now this?"

I felt my face heat up and looked down at my bare feet in the dirt. "Oh. Um. Right."

"So? What's up?"

"I just wanted to catch up is all. I was getting real sick of seeing those flyers with your face plastered all around town. You had me-everyone worried like crazy."

"I'm alright. I just needed some time on my own for a while. You knew I'd come back, though. No biggie." He smiled.

"No biggie? I was about to put your face on a milk carton! Well, I hope you found some peace, at least getting away from it all. Where even were you?"

"Hmmm. Dunno. All around Canada, I guess. I sorta stopped looking at the signs after the first few days. But yeah, it felt good to get away for a bit. I now understand why some shifters have chosen to exist in their wolf form for the rest of their lives."

The thought of Jacob staying in his wolf form, running away with no way to contact him, felt like a knife in my heart. I suppose that's how he felt all the time. I had no right to be hurt over it, though, if he did decide to live the rest of his days like that. At least he'd find some sort of peace after what I've done to him.

"W-wow. Do you think you'd do that? Live as a wolf and forget your human form?" I bit my tongue. Why on earth would I ask that?

He ran his hand through his hair and pulled some leaves out.

"I mean, sure. Why not?"

Silence.

"So, you came today. But why?" I leaned back on a tree behind me, bracing myself for his answer. But as I crossed my foot over the other, I lost my balance and toppled over.

We both laughed as he lifted me up by my elbows.

"Honey, I'm not here to make things harder for you. But I did want to see you one last time as… you. This is how I'm going to remember you. Pink cheeks, two left feet. Heartbeat." His smile was firm, but his eyes were sad.

I stepped on his foot as hard as I possibly could.

"That's my girl."

I leaned forward and laid my head on his chest, fighting back the tears. I felt calm for the first time since I last saw Edward. Jake always made the unpleasant thoughts and the nightmares diminish. He was like a human Xanax.

He gripped my shoulders and pulled me back to look at me.

"You look beautiful, Bells, really."

His sincere dark brown eyes were smoldering. I knew he meant it. I knew his face too well to sense any lies.

"Thanks." I awkwardly looked down at my feet again and felt guilty for embracing him. It'll cost us both too much. I tightly crossed my arms to my chest and stepped back.

"So when's this thing supposed to start? We can talk some more after if you have to finish getting ready or whatever."

"N-no I'm ready. I-"It dawned on me that I was just seeking some reassurance from Jacob. But in what world would Jake, the person who was the MOST against my choice, reassure me?

Really, I just wanted his presence one last time. And god, I hated myself for that. How selfish could one human be?

"Uh, yeah, let's just talk after it's over. Alice is going to kill me for getting dirt all over my feet."

He put his finger under my chin and stroked my cheek with his thumb. He was obviously trying to feel the warmth in my cheek, something he treasured so much.

"I know you better than that. Something's bothering you. Can't hide shit from me, missy."

The concern on his face scared me. It meant he saw something in mine. I must not have been hiding it too well, but then again, Jake always saw through me.

"Nothing, really, I'm just anxious. Everyone is anxious at weddings!" I threw my hands up and broke away from him. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him.

"Bella." He paused to listen for anyone around us. "Don't forget who you are." I could see tears welling up in his eyes now. "Listen to your gut. Don't listen to anyone else right now. Just… don't forget, okay? Don't forget who Bella Swan is."

I saw Charlie in his tux step outside the front door, scanning the trees for me.

"I have to go. Find the seat with your name on it." I broke away from Jacob and briskly walked back towards the house's front door.

I wish I could take Jake's advice. But that would insinuate that I fully knew who Bella Swan was to begin with.

Chapter Text

“Oh! Hey, kiddo. Didn’t see you there. Where did you-“

Charlie asked, scanning the forest with squinted eyes.

I pulled him inside behind me. “C’mon, Dad. Is mom here yet?” I asked, shutting and locking the door behind us.

“Wait, wait. Let me get a look at you!.” He stepped back to take Alice’s creation all in. “Wow. Gonna make your old man cry. You look stunning, sweetie. And, uh, yeah, she’s somewhere arou-“

“My baby! Oh, my baby!” My mother wailed out as she excitedly ran down the steps, arms outstretched. Alice gracefully bounced behind her.

“Speak of the devil,” Charlie muttered.

“Mom!” I awkwardly shuffled towards her until she flung herself in my arms.

“Oh, Bella!” she squealed. “Oh, honey, you’re so beautiful! Oh, I’m going to cry! Alice, you’re amazing!

You and Esme should go into business as wedding planners. Where did you find this dress? It’s gorgeous! So graceful, so elegant. Bella, you look like you just stepped out of an Austen movie.” My mother’s voice sounded a little distance away, and everything in the room was slightly blurry.

“Such a creative idea, designing the theme around Bella’s ring. So romantic! To think it’s been in Edward’s family since the eighteen hundreds!”

Alice and I exchanged a brief conspiratorial look. My mom was off on the dress style by more than a hundred years. The wedding wasn’t actually centered around the ring but around Edward himself.

If only they knew.

“Renée, Esme said it’s time you got settled out there,” Charlie said.

“Well, Charlie, don’t you look dashing!” Renée said in a tone that was almost shocked.

“Is it really time already?” Renée said to herself, sounding almost as nervous as I felt. “This has all gone so fast. I feel dizzy.”

That made two of us.

“Give me a hug before I go,” Renée insisted. “Carefully now, don’t tear anything.”

My mother squeezed me gently around the waist, then wheeled for the door, only to complete the spin and face me again.

“Oh goodness, I almost forgot! Charlie, where’s the box?”

My dad rummaged in his pockets for a minute and then produced a small white box, which he handed to Renée. Renée lifted the lid and held it out to me.

“Something blue,” she said.

“Something old, too. They were your Grandma Swan’s,” Charlie added. “We had a jeweler replace the paste stones with sapphires.”

Inside the box were two heavy silver hair combs. Dark blue sapphires were clustered into intricate floral shapes atop the teeth.

My throat got all thick. “Mom, Dad… you shouldn’t have.”

“Alice wouldn’t let us do anything else,” Renée said. “Every time we tried, she all but ripped our throats out.”

Alice stood proudly.

“We chose sapphires since they symbolize nobility, truth, and the ability to make wise and good choices. It also stimulates the third eye chakra, which controls intuition and perception! Aren’t they beautiful, honey?”

Charlie cleared his throat. “Aside from all… that, we thought dark blue would be a nice color on you.”

Guilt flowed through me. Nobility? Truth? I definitely wasn’t noble enough to tell them this was likely the last time I’d ever see them or the entire fundamental truth of the situation. Because I couldn’t, it wasn’t an option. I couldn’t expose the Cullen's secret, and even if that wasn’t a factor, I didn’t have the heart to break their brains completely. Imagine if I was truthful with them right here, right now?

“Mom, Dad, I’m so happy you’re here, and I love you. But I need to tell you that this is the last time you will ever see me. I’m probably going to fake my death, or you’ll see “me,” but it won’t really be me. It’ll be someone thirsty for the blood running through your veins. I won’t have a heartbeat. I won’t be your daughter anymore. All characteristics of you both will be altered. I’m sorry. But I chose this.”

They wouldn’t comprehend it. I barely could.

Alice stepped up and quickly slid both combs into my hair under the edge of the thick braids.

“There,” Alice said with satisfaction. “A little color—that’s all you needed. You are officially perfect.” With a little self-congratulatory smile, she turned to my parents. “Renée, you need to go find your seat.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Renée blew me a kiss and hurried out the door.

Alice did a double take at my dirt-covered feet. I braced myself for the blow.

“You leave my sight for mere minutes! Though what do I expect when you run around with that….boy. And to think you’re about to be a Cullen! Let’s get you cleaned up, Bella. Now!”

Charlie’s mouth fell open, with his eyebrows furrowed.

“Now wait just a minute, Alice, don’t talk to her that way. She’s stressed enough. You can make your point without using that tone.”

Alice scoffed.

“Look at the bottom of the dress, Charlie. She’s got dirt on that, too! The bottoms of her feet are probably filthy. Do you know how much her shoes cost?”

Alice glared into my father's eyes, and I saw it happen so quickly that if I blinked, I would’ve missed it.

It was as if her irises radiated some sort of…wave that linked into Charlie’s. It was so subtle and quick that I probably would have rationalized it as a reflection or something with the lighting. But no. There was no explaining the way Charlie’s face and demeanor changed immediately. His furrowed brows straightened, and the concern melted off his face.

“I-ah, yeah.” He fumbled for his words and didn’t blink or look away from Alice’s porcelain face.

“I am guessing they were expensive. You put so much work into Bella today; I’m sorry. I can clean her up, Alice; you have already done so much,” he whispered. It was like watching an animal cower before a hunter. He finally blinked when she broke eye contact to turn to look at me.

“No, I got it, Charlie. She is my responsibility for the day,” she said with a laugh that Charlie too quickly mirrored.

“Oh? And Bella? Who were you outside with?” he asked.

The blood rushing to my cheeks made me even dizzier.

Lying would be useless since he would likely cross Jake at some point today, and Jake would undoubtedly be hard to miss with his stature. Charlie won’t be happy to know that Jacob appeared so casually after all the efforts of trying to find him.

“I-it was Jacob. He, um, wanted to just stop by for this, I guess. He was fine, like I tried to tell you.”

Charlie’s eyes bulged out of his head.

“Jacob Black? All that damn worry for him to waltz on in as if nothing happened? Is he still here?! Where the hell was the boy hiding?”

I sighed. “I don’t know, Dad, I didn’t get that far. You’ll be able to speak with him after the ceremony.”

“Ahem.” Alice grabbed my arm and nodded to my feet.

“I-I’m sorry, Alice, go ahead,” Charlie said.

She trailed me upstairs, babbling on and on about the wedding and the rules and the decor and the future that she saw so clearly. I only pretended to care.

———

“Easy, Bells,” Charlie said. He turned to Alice nervously. “She looks a little sick. Do you think she’s going to make it?”

His voice sounded far away. I couldn’t feel my legs.

“She’d better.”

Alice stood right in front of me, on her tiptoes to better stare me in the eye, and gripped my wrists in her hard hands.

“Focus, Bella. Edward is waiting for you out there.”

I took a deep breath, willing myself into composure.

The music got louder and louder from outside as I walked to the top of the staircase. It was time. Charlie nudged me. “Bells, we’re up to bat.”

“Bella?” Alice asked, still holding my gaze.

“Yes,” I squeaked. “Edward. Okay.” I let her pull me down the stairs with Charlie tagging along at my elbow.

The music was louder by the time we got to the door downstairs. I concentrated on the idea of Edward waiting to get my feet to shuffle forward.

“It’s my turn,” Alice chimed, opening the door. “Follow me.” She began a slow, graceful dance down the path leading back to the ceremony. I should have realized that having Alice as my only bridesmaid was a mistake. I would look that much more uncoordinated coming behind her.

The fresh air felt incredible in my lungs; I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I exhaled the dewy breeze. I focused on my aching feet that clumsily trudged on behind Alice. I heard the sudden trill of the crowd soaring from the music. It was my cue. I looked up at Alice to see that she was at the start of the aisle.

Alice, of course, planned for it to be the cloudiest day of the month to conceal the Cullens diamond faceted skin from the guests. The low-hanging mossy trees, white blossoms, and lights also assisted with this. It was utterly stunning, a wedding from someone’s dreams.

I felt my knees go weak as Alice got out of the way for me, and I took my first step onto the aisle.

“Don’t let me fall, Dad,” I whispered. Charlie pulled my hand through his arm and then grasped it tightly.

One step at a time, I told myself as we began to descend to the slow tempo of the march. I didn’t lift my eyes, though I could hear the murmurs and rustling of the audience as I came into full view. Blood flooded my cheeks at the sound; of course, I could be counted on to be the blushing bride.

This was going to be worth it; it had to be. I wanted Edward all to myself forever. My heart leaped thinking of him looking at me right now. But I still couldn’t bring myself to look up; I felt embarrassed to be perceived by him, by the crowd. Someone so plain and ordinary marrying a God. I’m sure it looked ridiculous.

What did everyone here think he was marrying me for? In what world would someone like him ever want me? This is something that I’ve never been able to accept, and I hoped that once his venom sculpted my genes to be like him, I wouldn’t have to question it anymore.

But it was all still just a hope.

With each step, I felt my inferiority loom over me as the garlands above me did. The chatter of the crowd morphed into cruel voices swirling around my head. I knew they weren’t real, but my tired, anxious brain forced me to listen to them.

“She looks awfully tired.”

“Edward Cullen could have done so much better. What about those blonde women over there?”

“Is she going to pass out?”

“That dress looks hideous on her.”

“She looks like a bag of bones.”

“Edward looks magnificent!”

“That’s who he chose?”

“Her face looks so red!”

“Marrying so young.”

“She can’t even look up, so pathetic.”

My neck shot up in response.

Edward nearly took my breath away. I felt electricity zap through my veins. Our eyes met, and I felt at home. His beautiful face called to me and pulled me closer to him. It didn’t feel like anything natural; it didn’t feel like this world could contain such feelings, such strong feelings. I was his disciple.

I was barely conscious that Carlisle stood by his side and Angela’s father behind them both. I didn’t see my mother, where she must have been sitting in the front row, or my new family, or any of the guests—they would have to wait till later.

All I really saw was Edward’s face; it filled my vision and overwhelmed my mind.

His eyes were a buttery, burning gold; his perfect face was almost severe with the depth of his emotion. And then, as he met my awed gaze, he broke into a breathtaking smile of exultation.

Suddenly, I was jolted backward with another flashback. I was drowning again, swirling down to the bottom of the endless ocean of blood. Edward’s breathtaking smile was the last thing I saw before I fully submerged. Everyone in attendance today was down here with me. Their bodies were dismembered in strange ways, some faces barely able to recognize. I saw my parents, I saw the wolfpack, I saw everyone in town. Dead. All because of me. Because I chose this.

His voice from a year and a half ago leaped into my ears: "I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"

"It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else."

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…you would have come.”

"Without a doubt."

I blinked, and it all went away. I started to panic. Typically, Edward makes the nightmares go away; he lulls them to sleep. So how can this be happening? Now, of all times?

“Bells?” Charlie said in my ear, shaking my shoulder. “Come on now, you OK?” I stopped in my tracks.

I turned to look at my father's face. He was only doing this because I told him this was right for me. But he doesn’t know a thing. He wanted to be a supportive father, and that alone twisted my stomach. I remember how upset Charlie was when he asked me to give him some notice before I ran off with Edward, and I laughed at him as if that wasn’t exactly what I was doing. He’d support me no matter what unless he knew the truth.

The concern on his face mimicked the same look from earlier when Alice changed it. She did…something. It was only ever Jasper that could manipulate emotions. But she did it too. It was as if she hypnotized him into obedience.

It’s no secret the Cullens were able to “dazzle” people. I had always thought it was because of their otherworldly beauty, like how people feel meeting their favorite celebrities. But no, this was different. My father is not one to be easily swayed. It was something chemical.

Instinctively, I pushed Charlie off of me. I couldn’t breathe. I saw Edward's smile drop; he sensed my panic and walked over to me. I could see the unnatural movements in his stride, a mask. It was all a mask.

The feeling of the cool miracle of Edward’s hands startled me.

“Bella? What’s going on, love. Are you hurt? Is it the shoes, or is the dress too tight? Come on, I’ve got you.”

Edward cautiously walked me up to the altar and positioned me to face him, taking both of my hands. His familiar frozen hands comforted me and almost eased up my shaky fingers. But they still sent a shiver throughout my whole body.

Angela’s father was speaking, but it sounded like static to me. I couldn’t pay attention, and even more so when I looked into Edward's amber irises. He gave me a reassuring smile, but I still saw him questioning the reason for my bloodshot eyes. His beauty made me even more breathless; his scent was dizzying, and I couldn’t focus on any one thing at all. I scanned the sea of faces before us and felt my knees buckle again.

My mother’s encouraging expression assured me she was oblivious to my anxiety. As for everyone else, I could not read their expressions as they whispered in each other’s ears. I went to turn my head to look back at Edward, but instead, Jacob’s statuesque figure caught my eye.

He was the furthest away behind everybody, leaning against a post, arms crossed. His expression was unreadable in the distance, but he knew I saw him. He deliberately and solemnly shook his head back and forth.

When I looked at Jake, it was much different from when I looked at Edward. I felt the butterflies burst through my gut, and he, too, took my breath away, but I didn’t get dizzy, and I didn’t feel like I was going to faint. I felt normal, like myself. I felt…strength. And I think it’s because Jacob Black was the only one in this ridiculous, messed-up world who didn’t treat me like I was a fragile, useless thing.

I looked back at Edward's bewildered expression.

“Bella. I said, I do,” he whispered so only I could hear him.

I finally could focus on Mr. Weber’s voice, realizing that it was my turn to say those same words.

“Isabella Swan, do you take Edward Cullen to be your lawfully wedded husband? Will you honor and cherish him, love, trust, and commit to him through joy and pain, sickness and health, and whatever life may throw at you both, for as long as you both shall live?”

“I-“

The crowd silenced. I looked out at my future family's faces. So beautiful, so perfect, making everyone else look so bland. My eyes searched for Jacob by the post in the back, but I didn’t see him anymore. I scanned all around, but he was gone.

I couldn’t blame him. I was lucky he even showed.

I looked back at my fiancé, my miracle. I could be his forever, right now. I just had to say it. But what’s the catch?

Well, for starters:

This wasn’t a wedding. This was a funeral.

I had zero control over what happened next. It wasn’t my decision; it was my body‘s decision. It was the screaming voice in the back of my head that made me snap, that made me run, that made me think of nothing but getting the hell out of there.

Instinctively, I threw off the heels that dug blisters into my ankles and dashed down the aisle as fast as my exhausted body allowed. I caught a glimpse of the horrified guests getting up from their seats. I heard the whispers of shock and the gasps filling the air.

I didn’t care.

My panic muted their chatter, and none of their words computed. I soared past them; my burning muscles propelled me deep into the lush forest that welcomed me.

A weak, frail human, physically maybe. But the humanity within me was fighting to stay. Or at least it was telling me to give this some more thought.

The forest didn’t look real; it looked like a blur, making it easy for me to claw through the branches that would typically hold me back. My heart beat furiously to keep me alive, the machine working full force.

All this time, I was so insistent about what I wanted, so insistent about being turned. The sooner, the better, I’ve been saying. Why wait? I’d ask. Sure, I’ll marry Edward at age 19! If that's the condition, I’ll do it! Let’s get it on with already. And I realize now that it was because I didn’t want to think too hard about it; I just wanted it to be done. I didn’t want to think about how I’d never be able to see anyone I loved again; I didn’t want to think about the future I was losing. It was too painful, so painful I couldn’t even comprehend it.

I fell countless times, getting my knees all skidded up. The wet blood glided down my legs, But I kept going.

I wanted Edward; I wanted to be perfect, to be free finally. To escape this world and live as an indestructible immortal. Of course, I did! I also know how it felt to lose Edward, but I couldn’t ignore my feelings today. I couldn’t grasp that this was my day to say goodbye. It's one thing to say you're ready to make such a permanent decision, and it's another actually to go through with it. Edward laid out a perfect life for me to never have to worry about anything ever again. I’d never feel pain again, I’d never have to work or worry about financials, I’d never die. But it was the easy way out.

I used my dress as a sled to slide down the muddy rocks and grass while the forest floor dipped into a hill. It would’ve been easier to climb in the car, my gifted Mercedes Guardian, but the thought repelled me so much, and I certainly wasn’t in any position to drive.

The disappointment I must have caused, the complete embarrassment and guilt I feel. Dragging everyone to attend for me to just run away like a coward. Was anyone expecting it? I honestly did try. I tried so hard to push the nightmares out. I tried so hard to focus on Edward, but when his presence did not force them away, I knew something was very wrong. I tried to do this right, all for it to blow up in my face. And I have never felt more confused in my life.

I kept kicking through the trees until my lungs forced me to slow, and my bare feet were in complete agony. I hunched over, hands on my knees, heaving. Once I caught my breath, I straightened myself upright and started walking. About 10 feet before me, I noticed a big black boot propped upright on a rock. I didn’t need to get any closer to know it was Jacob’s; the shredded denim and white cotton in the surrounding area gave it away.

“Must have just missed him,” I muttered to myself breathlessly. I didn’t come out here to look for Jacob, but it would’ve been helpful if he could have ran me back home. The perks of having a wolfy friend are that they run much faster, even in their barefoot human form. I was a fool to think I’d be able to do it, too.

My conversation with Jacob earlier about him living the rest of his life in his wolf form blared in my head. Oh, God, no. He wouldn’t, would he? He seemed so nonchalant about it, so casual about never being human again. Just like I was, he was mirroring my decision, but I hadn’t made a decision yet; I couldn’t! If only he would’ve stayed just a few minutes.

“Ugh!” Tears started streaming down my cheeks, and the sobs of defeat soon took me over. I was a mess. What was I even doing? I thought I was finished making such a mess of things, but here I am, back at it again!

I laid down on a bed of moss and pulled my knees up to my chest. My mind felt like a hornet's nest, and I had no idea how I felt or what was right. I just kept being stung over and over by contradicting feelings.

One buzzing hornet says that I love Edward. I love everything about him, down to every detail of what made him up. I value him over myself, which is what love is supposed to be: selfless. I love the safety of his arms and the intensity of him. I would not be able to live without him; I couldn’t. This hornet says it was silly that I ran, but it’s okay that I still needed more time to get married since I was so young. It knows that I will end up with Edward in the end.

Another buzzing hornet says that the electricity, the love, the adoration, and the intensity I feel for Edward is a fight or flight response. It’s the subconscious feeling of being near something so dangerous. It’s the vampiric lure that they use on humans that draws me to him. This hornet says I made the right decision in running.

A sudden gust of wind rushed towards me, and immediately, I knew I wasn’t alone. I silenced my sobbing and wrapped my arms around my head in embarrassment, hoping I wouldn’t be found, but I knew it was no use. They were able to smell me from miles away.

I knew it was Edward and someone else, but I didn’t want to open my eyes. They’d have to pry them open.

“Bella! Bella, Bella, no, no, no. Talk to me. Talk to me! Alice didn’t see this… I don’t understand!” It was surprising to hear Edward so hysterical. I yearned to comfort him but didn’t have it in me to move.

“Edward, let her go; I’ve got her,” Rosalie said as I sensed her crouch in front of me, pushing him away.

“Don’t you dare get between me and my wife right now. Don’t act like you suddenly care about Bella; if you even knew her, you would know she suffers from anxious thoughts. Just listen to her heart; it’s much too fast for a human!”

I couldn’t catch my breath, let alone speak. I couldn’t answer him. I kept my face hidden.

“She ran away for a reason, Edward. This isn’t just an anxious human; this is a traumatized one! When will you understand that? Move.” Rosalie pushed Edward hard into a tree, which sounded like it snapped in half under the impact.

“Hey.” Rosalie shook me gently. “Where would you like me to take you?”

Edward flew back over to us.

“You stay away from her; her knees are bleeding. Get away!” Edward pushed her hard. “You’re the most selfish being on the planet. As if you can try to hide those idiotic thoughts of yours.”

“I’m selfish,” Rosalie laughed.“ I’m selfish?! You ruined this girl's life; you damned her knowing that she would not be able to escape you. She never had a chance; I always knew that trying to get her to understand was pointless. Do you think that what you two have is special? Really, I’d love to know. As if I couldn’t go out anywhere to find myself a human man and make him fall in love with me. Do you think that that’s unique? My God, it would be so easy to make a human fall in love. It’s in our design! Zero effort! Just a bit of eye contact, a smile, getting close enough for them to smell me. And not just me, but any one of us! There’s a reason we don’t romantically pursue humans, Edward—especially ones whose brains aren’t fully developed. Call me selfish all you want, but you’re the selfish one for going after her and pretending that this wedding could be real. It would’ve been better to kill her quickly and be done with it. But instead, you just drag it on; you knew the options and how this would turn out. Either in her death or her to be one of us. This isn’t real love. It fully makes me sick. Now look at her.”

“And that’s where you’re wrong, Rosalie. You know that I can’t stand to see this, and you know that I never wanted this. I can’t even bear the thought of her turning! But it’s what she wants, and I swore to her I would never leave her again until she ordered me away. I do agree I am selfish; I would never deny that. What am I supposed to do? We almost died without each other. I live to protect her now. It’s the only thing that I have. I love her beyond my comprehension, and she loves me. I don’t know why she does, but she does.”

“And? Even if it really is love, as you say, is love worth dragging everyone else into your mess or involving the Volturi, so now your entire family has to be on guard? And do you think she even knows just because she says she wants it? She is a girl, for crying out loud! Who you met a year ago. Don’t you see that saying “we almost died without each other” is completely flawed? She only wanted to die because how could a human be exposed to such things and go back to normal? You know the effect we have on them, and you left her with trauma. It’s a joke, Edward; the only reason you “love” Bella is because you can’t read her mind, and trust me, you would be gravely disappointed if you could. Because you love the idea of her! Having her stay with you and be changed turns her into somebody else and strips her of everything that you “love,” aka her scent, so what will the purpose be? She’s just a girl, and you can’t tell me otherwise. You will never be able to convince me that this was worth it in any way, no matter how it pans out. You need to go now!”

“Oh please, Rosalie, I already know your jealous, vain mind. I’ve had the displeasure of having to listen to it for decades. I know how you work. You envy her humanity, and you’ll always be miserable. Bella doesn’t think like you or any other female mind I’ve had to endure. I don’t need to read her mind to know that.”

“You’re insufferable. I agree with you on one thing: I have no idea why she loves you. Well, other than the fact that you have her under thrall. If you were human, she’d see the pitiful, pathetic manchild that you are. It’s too bad you’ve blinded her. But perhaps she will see it if she is doomed to turn. You know I really don’t like her wolf boyfriend, but he at least makes more sense for her than you do.”

“Your words do not hurt because I know you are just saying them aloud for her to hear. To hurt her. To hurt us. You care about nothing more because that’s the creature that you are, sister. An envious wench.”

Heavy footsteps and worried voices came trudging down towards us. I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to know who it was. The tremors rocking through my body continued, and I still couldn’t speak.

I wanted to beg Edward to turn me right then and there. Just to get it over with already.

“What the fuck? What did you do to her?” asked Leah.

“Woah,” was all Seth was able to say.

“Seth, Leah, Quil, please leave. We’ve got this taken care of,” Edward said.

“Oh, absolutely not. I want to be the one to witness you break the treaty so I can end this shit myself.”

“Come on, Leah, lay off; they’re trying to help her, “Seth said.

Leah scoffed.

“God, leech, you sure brainwashed my baby brother into thinking this is her being helped. Is she having a seizure?”

“How have you got it taken care of? Looks like she’s still freaking out, curled up in literal dirt. Think we’ll take it from here, goldie eyes; it's kinda our job,” Quil said, sliding his arms beneath my shaking body.

“No. Bella is my responsibility. You need to all leave.”

“We’re here on pack orders. Don’t think you’d want us to phase and get the others involved. She’ll be safer with us. Back off.” Quil had me in his arms now. I was so embarrassed as I uncontrollably shook in them.

“See? You’re the mind reader, right? You can see we’ve been around all day cause those other bloodsuckers you invited. She’s hurt and bleeding; I’m not taking the chance.”

“Edward, let it go. We can’t make a scene right now with the wolves.”

I opened my eyes for the first time to see Edward's pained, defeated expression. He caught my gaze and said, “I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’m so sorry.”

Quil adjusted my weight in his arms and walked off into the depths of the forest with Leah and Seth trailing closely behind.

The further we got from the Cullens, the better I could breathe.

Chapter Text

“Hey, Bella, everything’s going to be okay. We’ll take you somewhere so you can calm down and be safe,” Seth said as I shook in Quil’s arms. I glanced up at him and nodded in response; it was the best I could do. It’s rare to see Seth not smiling ear to ear, so his worried visage surprised me. Shame flooded through me when I saw his brown suede suit jacket and cream button-up, remembering he was a guest at the wedding.

“Where are we bringing her, Quil?” Seth asked.

“I guess my place. Just to get her over the treaty line. Emily’s might be too much right now with the reorganizing she’s been doing.”

“Okay, yeah! I would say our house has room, but-“

“No,” Leah hissed.

Seth sucked in a breath.

“My house will work, my mom is home, she can help out. Where did Sue park, Seth?”

“I’ll know when we get to the street.”

I wish I could say something to them. Tell them they can just leave me here, but I know they would never. At least this was better than having to face the Cullens.

I was tired of being a burden to the pack. Time and time again, they’re pulled into danger, all because of me. And now they’re stuck helping me again. Leah’s hatred for me was completely valid. I’m not sure how Quil felt about me at this point, though if I had to guess, I’m probably just the nuisance vampire girl in his eyes. Still, I felt safe in his arms.

Despite their general apathy towards me, there has always been something uniquely comforting about the Packs' presence. They were loyal, warm, and brutally honest. And I knew they'd be there if I needed them; they’d welcome me on the rez even when I didn’t deserve it.

I stared up at the lush tree canopies, their light sway grounding me in my body. The hyperventilating slowed the more I focused on the woodland around me. Quil’s bare chest on my face kept me heated against the crisp, misty air. My nervous system was starting to compose itself.

I peered before us at the thinning trees, knowing it would have taken me ages to reach the forest's edge where the street was now in view. It was impressive how agile and swift Quil was; I remember when he was clumsy like me before he had phased. I hated being so far behind everyone else in my ability. I wished to be strong and graceful, too. But my stupid human nerves today just prolonged the process.

“It’s over there, on the corner!” Seth said as he led the way out of the thick vegetation.

“You can put me d-down, Quil. I think I’ll be okay.”

“No, your feet are all messed up.” He leaped on through the remainder of the forest and jumped down onto the road.

When we got to the car, Seth opened the door for Quil to slide me into the backseat.

“All good?” Quil asked me. I nodded my head yes.

Quil climbed into the driver's seat as Seth settled in next to me. Leah was in the passenger seat, silently staring out the window.

“How’s your mom and Billy gonna get back? Charlie?”

“Yep,” Seth said, buckling his seatbelt in.

The wave of dread ebbed and flowed on the car ride back to La Push. I stayed quiet because I knew that if I tried to speak, it could unleash the sobs again. I remained very still, dissociated. The pain in my feet and knees stayed merely in the background.

Quil parked the car once we pulled up to his home. It was a charmingly old, navy blue multistory with a small front porch. The silver Honda Accord parked in the driveway reminded me that someone was home, unleashing the dread inside me again.

Once Leah and Quil were out of the car, he tossed the keys to her over the hood.

“I hope you feel better; I am really sorry you are hurting so bad. I don’t know if you've ever met Joy, but she’s awesome. Don’t worry. Oh, and she makes awesome huckleberry slump! We got your back down here, Bella. Promise.” Seth said, leaning in to give me a one-armed hug.

“Thanks, Seth,” I whispered, loosely reciprocating the hug. Leah climbed into the driver's seat and glared at me in the rearview mirror, which was my cue to get out. Quil guided me out of the car and had me lean on him. I limped to the front door, and Quil rang the bell.

“This is okay, yeah? You haven’t said much or anything. I just figure you gotta get out of that dress and wash up; take care of the cuts. I’m going to see if Sam needs anything else from us.”

“Are you sure I’m not imposing? I don’t want to-“

“Nah, trust me, my mom will be happy to help you.”

I looked down at my absurd condition. No doubt I was another pack order that he didn’t want to deal with, but he had no choice.

“You seem a little better; you’re not shaking as bad anymore.”

The door opened, and Joy Ateara’s eyes widened as she took me in.

“Oh…sweetie.” She turned to Quil, waiting for an explanation.

“Mom, Bella here needs a place on the rez to decompress a bit. She has cuts all over her, from the knees down, too. Can you help her while I go meet up with the pack? I’ll be back soon.“

Joy’s eyebrows knit together as she looked at me with pure pity.

“Of course, of course, here, let’s get you inside. Go on, Quil.”

“Okay, I shouldn’t be too long.” I glanced back at Quil while Joy guided me inside.

“Thank you, really,” I squeaked to him.

“It’s what we do.” Quil took off then, sprinting down the driveway.

Joy led me into her modest living room. The pine green sofa contrasted with the light olive walls littered with framed photos. The antique rug on the floor led to the yellow kitchen, where she sat me down at one of its four chairs at the table.

“One second, sweetie,” Joy said, and she left the room briskly. I heard her run up the stairs.

I pulled my feet up into my lap to inspect how badly they were cut up. I was surprised to see how bloodied they were, but if there’s one thing I learned about adrenaline, it puts physical pain on the back burner. Horror washed over me as I saw the footprints on the kitchen floor. The sight made me sick to my stomach, but the last thing I wanted to do was make an even bigger mess to clean.

The rusty smell of the blood flashed the nightmare back into the forefront of my mind, and I gripped the tabletop for support. The panic was setting in, but I had to try my best not to make this any more difficult on Joy, who had no reason to help me at all.

A few minutes later, she returned to the kitchen with a first aid kit, a stack of folded clothes, and some towels.

“Ahh, I think we ought to do this in the bathroom. Are you able to follow me?”

“Yes.” I stood up and felt dizzy all over again.

“It’s right over here, under the stairs.”

The bathroom was cramped, and the fluorescent light was disorienting. I sat on the toilet, watching the pale pink flowers on the wallpaper start to dance. The walls were breathing better than I was.

Joy crouched down in front of me with a wet washcloth and started to scrub the dried blood off my knees.

“No, no, please, I can do that in the shower,” I stopped the towel in her hand.

“Are you sure? Well, let me at least help with your feet, then when you’re out of the shower, I can bandage them up. I can help you out of the dress, too.”

“I’m so sorry, Joy.”

“Shhh. Do not apologize.”

Joy scrubbed the excess blood off my feet over the tub as I winced in pain.

“This one is pretty deep,” she muttered to herself. “You’ve got a lot of dirt in these wounds. I’m going to put the tub on and rinse them like that, OK? “

I nodded my head and tried my best not to yelp out in pain.

When Joy finished, she spun me around and put a washcloth on the floor. “Here, stand on this with your left foot to try and stop the bleeding while I get the dress off.”

Standing and putting full pressure on my left foot hurt the most; I could definitely feel the deep gash start to throb. She propped her foot up on the toilet and undid the back of my dress quickly; it practically slipped off my body. I stepped out of the dress as she put the shower on.

“OK, sweetie, go ahead. Call me when you’re done. Just please be careful about those cuts.”

She shut the door lightly behind her, but it still caused me to jump. I awkwardly slipped out of my bra and underwear, trying my best not to hurt myself further.

The warm water invited me in; I breathed a sigh of relief. I lathered my hair in a homemade yucca root and yarrow flower shampoo. The dried blood on my knees flicked off by the water pressure and flowed down the drain.

This is not how I imagined this day would go, that’s for sure. I did not expect to wind up in Quil Ateara’s home when I should actually be enjoying my wedding after-party with my husband. Honestly, I never was able to imagine the day in my head at all. I was indifferent to the idea of marrying Edward, as it wasn’t my idea or choice to begin with. I suppose that’s why Alice didn’t see it.. or she couldn’t see it because I ended up on the reservation. Had I known that was going to be my decision all along?

How on earth am I going to face Edward after this? How do I explain that I can’t live without him but that a wedding was clearly too much for me to handle? I’ll never be taken seriously again. Now, would I still get my deal of the bargain? All Edward wanted as compromise was my hand in marriage, which seemed so pointless and juvenile in comparison, and I couldn’t even give him that!

While tilting my head back to wash out my hair, water flooded my nose, and shampoo got in my eyes, and I could not open them.

The panic officially set in.

I was drowning again.

“This was never just a dream, beloved,” Edward’s velvety voice purred in my head.

“You will be consumed by emptiness. You will be deranged for blood. Your love for me will fade with time. But you’ll be stuck. In this sea. With me.” Edward smiled at me, eyes ruby red, as he jumped into the ocean of blood with me.

“Safe at last. Frozen. Indestructible.”

I became hysterical, trying to rub the shampoo out of my eyes with water. Blinking past the burning soap, I slapped myself so hard on the head to make it stop. The shower tiles were fuzzy; red started pouring out of the grout.

“Drink up, Mrs. Cullen.”

The scream that escaped my lips didn’t feel like my own, blood-curdling and desperate. I repeatedly hit my head harder, then slid down the shower wall into the tub. I pulled my scraped knees to my chest and screamed down the drain.

“Bella! Bella, oh god.” Joy shrieked, running into the bathroom

Tremors ripped through me like the waves. It felt like a possession.

She tore open the shower curtain and gasped. “What’s happened, did you fall?! Should I call-“

“No,” I barked out.

“Honey, I need to get you help. I don’t know what-“

“No, no.”

Joy pushed the shower curtain back for my privacy and paced around the small bathroom. I could barely breathe.

“I think I need to call your father, Bella.”

“No.”

“You’re having a panic attack.”

Defeat consumed me, and I wished to be sucked down the drain.

“Bella, I’m going to put the cold water on, okay? It’s supposed to help with panic attacks. It’s going to be very cold; just breathe.”

I couldn’t respond.

Joy reached in around the curtain to twist the shower knob, and shortly after, the warm water ran freezing. It immediately shot through my body like electricity, forcing my posture upright. The shivering intensified, and the words just spilled out.

“I-I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to get it to stop; I don’t know what to do! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this,” I wailed out. “I don’t know why it’s happening; I can’t control it. It feels like it’s been building, and it feels like it’s taking me down!”

“I know, I know. Let it all go.”

“I don’t know where to go from here! I don’t even know why I ran or why I’m feeling this way; I thought I knew what I wanted. I keep getting these flashbacks that won’t stop. It’s like I have no control over my mind at all.”

“Bella, I know that you don’t know me, but I have always kept you in my thoughts. We all do on the rez. I don’t know the details of everything; of course, I don’t know what happened today but don’t doubt that intuition. Whatever you are feeling is real, okay? From what the boys have said, I know you have been through a lot. I can’t imagine being in your position. You need to let yourself think and feel. You are so young. Give yourself some space, you need to.”

The broken sobs wretched through my chest.

“I- I’m not a victim. The Cullens never hurt me, that’s the thing. They don’t k-kill people. They p-protect me. And I love him. I can’t understand why I’m feeling t-this way. It’s so c-confusing.”

“You have been traumatized. You are not meant to go through all of what you have.”

“I h-have to change.”

Joy reached her hand around the curtain. I weakly held it.

“No, sweetie, you don’t.

“You don’t understand; I can’t lose him again! It nearly killed me. It destroyed me from the inside out. It ate at me; I wasn’t living anymore!”

“And what’s eating at you now?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“It’s obvious for anyone to see. And if you say you weren’t living without them but what about when you turn into one of them? You really won’t be living.”

“No, nobody knows him or them. Nobody knows us. He never would hurt me.”

“Breathe. Breathe.”

I steadied my breath.

“I know they aren’t exactly like the others, but something told you to run. There is no good way for this to end. It’s life or death. And honey, if that weren’t the situation, I wouldn’t be saying a thing to you right now. That’s too heavy of a decision for anyone, do you understand that? I’m not saying you’re incapable of making a decision; you are. But this is a decision no one should have to make.”

“I know,” I weakly choked out.

I did know.

“You will heal. You will.”

“It hurts so bad,” I whispered.

“It’s going to. That’s the beauty of being human.” She squeezed my hand.

—————-

It took a few hours for me to feel back to normal finally. I desperately needed to talk about it all with someone. The more Joy and I spoke, the better I felt. Being vulnerable was not something I ever particularly liked, but I didn’t seem to have a choice in the matter now. I couldn’t keep it locked down anymore or I think I would implode. Quil still had not returned, but it was for the best.

I spoke with Charlie and Renee on the phone briefly. Charlie respected my desire to be alone but Renee insisted she see me. But I refused to deal with my erratic mother, and I felt horrible about it. Thankfully, they both knew not to tell me about anything that happened after I ran off. The thought of everyone else’s reaction made me shudder.

Joy’s fur-lined slippers felt comfortable on my bandaged feet as I shuffled to the couch in the living room. I wore her oversized pink hoodie and grey sweats. Joy sat down on the far end of the sofa.

“Your cuts will feel better in no time. But if only you could heal like my son,” she smiled, lifting her cup of tea to her lips.

I reached for my mug off the coaster, assuming the cranberry orange tea had steeped for long enough.

“If only. Gosh, what freaks.” We both laughed.

“It’s bizarre to watch it happen in real-time, the healing. Have you seen it on Jacob?”

I nearly choked on the tea hearing his name.

“Uh, yeah. And, of course, he always thought it was amusing to freak me out with it,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I bet,” Joy smiled. “He just wanted to impress you.”

I looked down into my mug.

“So, where is Old Quil today? I’m relieved he didn’t have to witness all of… that. I’m still really, really sorry that you had to.”

“He went fishing today alone, should be back later on. And quit apologizing. As if I haven’t seen worse.”

“It’s just embarrassing. This whole day has been.”

“Sweetie, it isn’t embarrassing to have a panic attack. It isn’t embarrassing to do what you feel you need to. That was your gut. Don’t ever forget that.”

I drank my tea, staring off into space.

“I know it must be…hard for you not to have anyone to talk to about any of this. Well, I know you and Jacob are very close but other than him, you can’t tell your friends or your parents. You know, I feel awful seeing the parents here not know what’s going on with their kids. I think, in time, they will know, but in the meantime, it puts a major strain.”

“You knew this would happen to Quil long before he phased, right?”

“Yes, that’s right. It definitely was not an easy position to be in. Once it happened to Sam, it was basically a ticking time bomb. Then I had to watch Jacob and Embry, his two best friends, push him away. He was in a bad spot, and I felt horrible that I couldn’t say a word. He sensed I knew too; that was the worst part.”

“I remember. Not knowing with Jake was horrible, and I talked to Quil about it. We had no idea what was going on. We were bent out of shape about it. It felt terrible when I saw Quil just roaming around, not knowing, after I knew.”

“It was hard for him.”

“And yeah, it does get a little lonely sometimes, not being able to talk about any of this. I feel like I live on a completely different plane than everyone around me, including my parents. It feels like repelling magnets.”

“Oh, honey, I understand. Community is everything, though. I think I would have gone mad without that,” Joy said, setting the tea down on the table to put her hair in a loose side ponytail. “Charlie is a gem. He’s a good dad, too, loves you more than anything in the world.”

“He is,” I said, voice cracking. I hid my face. There was a moment of silence.

“Bella, he’d be devastated. I’m sorry, I don’t want to overstep, but if he knew…or if you…”

“I know.”

“It’s been a long day for you. We can talk more about it all another day. If you’d like to, of course.”

“I think I would like that. Plus, I have to come back for your huckleberry slump that Seth was raving about.”

The door opened then, and Quil came barreling in with Sam behind him.

“Oh, hey, boys.” Joy steadily peeled herself from the couch.

“Hey, Joy. Bella. Everything… okay?” Sam studied my face.

“Um, hi, yes. I’m feeling better now. Sam, I’m really sorry for getting the pack involved in my drama again and-“

“No, I made the pack involved. Too many new vampires in one spot. Plus Jacob. You running off wasn’t on our radar, but I’m glad we could help.”

Quil stepped closer to me.

“Speaking of Jacob…do you have any idea where he could have gone? You spoke with him earlier, yeah?” He asked.

I raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, I did. You’re asking me where Jacob is? Can’t you phase and hear him?”

“That’s the problem. We don’t hear him. His car and bike are both at Billy’s. We checked town for him in every imaginable spot that he could have gone. He’s nowhere. But we just spent hours as wolves, and we heard nothing,” Sam replied.

I felt myself freeze.

“I’m sorry, Bella. I know you’re not having a great day, but..”

“What could this mean?” Joy asked.

“I’m hoping the kid hitched a ride and is pulling his typical bullshit. But I don’t know why he wouldn’t just take his bike or car. And if he didn’t want to deal with us in his head, he knew we would respect his privacy and phase out,” said Sam.

“Do you know where he could’ve gone? Did he mention anything at all?” Quil asked.

I forced myself to speak through the knot in my throat.

“N-no, he didn’t. We spoke for a few minutes beforehand, just catching up because he was gone for so long. And I saw him at the altar, but he vanished shortly after. I saw his boots and shredded clothes in the forest.”

Sam and Quil looked at each other. I didn’t like their expressions.

“I don’t understand…” Joy whispered.

Sam looked at us gravely and said the words I didn’t want to hear:

“We think Jacob is in serious trouble.”

Chapter Text

I can’t believe I fell in love with such a damn coward.

I also can’t believe I am still in love with said coward. What idiot would still be in love with a girl while they watched her marry the epitome of the thing they hated the most, the thing that single-handedly ruined their life? Gonna have to change my name to Jacob The Biggest Moronic Bozo Idiot in the World Black. Cause sadly, seeing her today, after a month of dropping off the face of the earth, only made me love her more.

She stood on the altar, staring intensely into the leech’s dead eyes. She looked like a deer in headlights, the type the freak liked to eat. I could see that she hated all the eyes on her. He held her shaky, soft hands and said something I didn’t care to hear. I couldn’t place the expression on her face cause I never really could when he was around. She looked like she was in a trance or something. Ogling him, waiting for whatever he was going to say next; it really was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever had to unfortunately witness. It was sorta funny but mostly disgusting how they dressed up like a traditional bride and groom.

My stomach turned.

It was hard to watch the crowd be oh-so-happy to bear witness to their “ceremony of love.” Too bad they didn’t know he was going to kill her. You’d think that would be a valid reason to object, to speak now or forever hold my peace, but nah, apparently, I’m the crazy one. Even Sam thought so. That’s why the pack came today (besides Seth, Seth wanted to attend and sat next to my seething poker-faced father) to ensure I didn’t do anything stupid. But luckily, they were more focused on the out-of-state vamp guests that sat amongst the hors d'oeuvres, I mean, humans. Knowing Sam, he would watch their every movement till it was over, which gave me space to breathe. Sam also knew I didn’t have it in me to really do anything anyway.

But man, the whole thing was pathetic.

You’d think the Cullens would have something better to do with their time. They’re loaded with God knows how much cash. Bloodsuckers could’ve just bought and lived on a whole island, or they could be living under the sea. Sparklefucks, it's better…down where it's wetter… take it from meeeee.

If I didn’t have to breathe or eat or shit or blink, I’d be all over the place. Living life like a king, riding on tigers, kicking my feet up, and sipping on a type O Positive Bloody Mary.

Yet here they are, in bumblefuck Washington, chasing rabbits like a bunch of losers. Hell, human hunters I know in the area got ‘em beat.

And there the bastard was with his cold hands all over my girl.

She looked so…submissive, and that’s not the Bella I knew. My Bella always put me in my place; she never took my crap, and there she was, cowering before him, ready to give her life to him. Literally. How sick is that? Dying for a pretentious demon who could only stomach her cause he liked the way she smelled. She was like his personal Little Tree air freshener. Maybe if she died in the attempt to turn her, he’d hang pieces of her flesh on the rearview mirror in his stupid fucking Volvo.

My stomach rolled again.

I’ve got to give it to the Cullens; they knew how to make things look convincing. I’ve seen stuff like this in movies. The flowers, the twinkling lights, the music, they thought of it all. It sure was charming. Still, Bella had nothing to do with it. Usually, the bride was the one who did the planning, but nope, that was taken away from her, too. She didn’t even want to be married. Not now, anyway. She wasn’t ready, no matter what she said, so she didn’t care how it all looked, including herself. I could see the real Bella under the makeup they had painted on her. Her natural blush cut through the thick layer of face powder. I don’t think she even cared about how she looked or considered it. I doubt she even looked in the mirror today.

She looked out at the crowd.

And then she looked at me; she looked right at me.

Her chocolate doe eyes were wet and wide. The blush fully drained from her face, and her bottom lip quivered. She didn’t look happy seeing me; she was probably pissed that I wasn’t in my dumb seat. Or maybe it was something else.

Maybe I was reading too into it, or maybe it was my keen wolf senses, but I saw a glimmer of pleading in her face for a split second, a very quick second. She looked genuinely afraid. Like she wanted me to save her one last time from this mess.

I shook my head once she turned back to the monster. I’ve got to get out of the mindset of being her savior. She was too far gone, and I was an idiot hanging onto my last thread of hope. A thread that she cut a long time ago.

She made her choice. And it wasn’t to live. To be with me. If it was, she wouldn’t be standing there; it was as simple as that.

I couldn’t look any longer. I couldn’t look at her, knowing she would soon be dead. The pain washed over me. I started to tremble with nauseating anger. I stumbled backward, heaving and gagging.

But it's a good thing I’ve got a strong stomach.

I straightened myself up and felt the sickness settle. I shook off the weakness to save it to feel for later when I’d finally be alone.

That’s something I could thank the Cullens for: my strength, ability to heal, and ability to run, to escape all of this quickly and efficiently, not to let the pain totally consume me.

So I walked away.

I went as quietly as possible to avoid anyone in the pack noticing and checking on me.

I refused to make a scene, to let it get the best of me, to prove any of them right. I knew I had to go. There was no other option now.

But I had to actually go. Go and leave everyone and everything behind for good this time. I had to go and not deal with any voices in my head.

I tasted semi-freedom for a month, and they were fine without me around. Redhead was dead. We were doing nothing about the Cullens. Those royal vampires will be appeased once Bella turns. Plus, Sam and I were strained. What the hell did they need me for anyway?

I kept walking, trying to make my significant steps sound small. Maybe it was useless; they probably all heard/smelled/sensed me. Maybe they were happy I was leaving instead of doing something stupid like they were worried about. But I couldn’t have them follow me or suspect anything was off.

When I was away, something changed. I realized that leaving was truly possible. The pack was still in my mind, even as I ran further and further away, but there was one day when I had control over it.

I was completely checked out of the conversations, and I repelled the idea of remaining on the sidelines as Bella chose to die. I rejected complacency so much that I felt myself slip away from the pack’s hivemind. They didn’t notice it, nor did I at first, but once I understood, what was happening became obvious.

I wasn’t meant to just be in a pack. I was meant to lead one.

I was able to tune out of their conversations as if it were a TV. At first, it was glitchy and staticky, but then I was finally able to drown it out entirely. I could’ve been free then if I had decided.

But I kept practicing. I only allowed them to hear specific thoughts of mine and vice versa. It was the most control I’d felt in a long time. And Sam never picked up on it. My mind began to feel like my own again.

It was time to reclaim it, reclaim my place.

There was a good reason for the Alpha’s authority. Even a pack as strong as ours wasn’t much of a force without a leader. We had to move together, to think together, in order to be effective. And that required the body to have a head. So what if one of us disagreed with Sam? There was nothing anyone could do. No one could dispute his decisions.

Except.

And there it was—a thought I’d never, never wanted to have in the past. But now, with my legs all tied up in strings, I recognized the exception with relief—more than relief, with a fierce joy.

No one could dispute the Alpha’s decision—except for me. I hadn’t earned anything. But there were things that had been born in me, things that I’d left unclaimed.

I’d never wanted to lead the pack. I didn’t want to do it now. I didn’t want the responsibility for all our fates resting on my shoulders. Sam was better at that than I would ever be.

Sam wasn’t completely wrong for being complacent. Yes, the treaty will break when Bella gets bitten, but what option did we have as a pack? As much as I’d love to kill the Cullens, would it be worth losing a brother or a sister over? I tried to change her mind to no avail. Was I going to fight alone? There was no way. There wasn’t a simple solution to this mess; all I could do was escape. I didn’t feel like I belonged with the pack anymore; Sam and I felt like repelling magnets now.

And I had not been born to kneel to him.

The bonds fell off my body the second that I fully embraced my birthright as I walked deeper into the forest, further away from the Cullens’ crypt. With each step, I felt lighter.

I could feel it gathering in me, both a freedom and also a strange, hollow power.

Hollow because an Alpha’s power came from his pack, and I had no pack. For a second, loneliness overwhelmed me.

I had no pack now.

And hopefully, once I phased, it’ll finally be quiet. Peaceful. For once.

The forest around me was still and eerie, which was entirely too fitting. I took a deep breath, kicked off my boots, and let my truth truly sink in. I let my Alpha blood do its thing.

I started shifting. The fire trembled down my spine, throwing tight spasms out along my arms and legs. It only took a second. The heat flooded through me, and I felt the silent shimmer that made me something else. I threw my heavy paws against the matted earth and stretched my back in one long, rolling extension.

Phasing was very easy when I was focused like this. I didn’t have issues with my temper anymore. Except when it got in the way.

I’d hold onto the anger about Bella and feel it later, let it wreck me. Let myself feel the pain deeply, alone. But now, I had nothing to be angry about.

Because it worked.

Pure, beautiful silence rang in my ears. I waited for one of their voices to scream into my head, but it never came. I was free, and holy hell, did it feel incredible.

The pure joy of it pushed my four legs faster underneath me. I ran as quickly as I possibly could away from it all. I wondered if my shit-eating grin was evident on my wolf features.

I focused on keeping my paws as airborne as possible; they flew across the dirt to not track my prints. I had to make sure they wouldn’t find me.

I didn’t know if I’d ever come back. I didn’t really care, either. I didn’t care if anyone would be pissed or hurt. Because I’d only be sticking around for their benefit, not mine, I’d be no use to them anyway, moping around.

Quil and Embry’s faces flashed in my mind. My best friends who always had my back and never gave up on me. Man, what would I have done without my boys?

Sam, who was in the worst spot out of all of us. Could I do this to him? The rest of the pack?

My father, who really tried with me. I sure wasn’t easy to be around sometimes, but he did his best. I’d be leaving him alone. My heart sank through my ribcage.

Okay, maybe I did care.

But I couldn’t let that affect my choice. I couldn’t.

How could I live in a small ass town where everyone would be talking about Bella’s death when I full well knew the story behind it all? I could no longer look at Charlie in the eye and lie.

I could see it now: Charlie sobbing on the phone—Bella and her husband lost in an accident. A plane crash? That would be hard to fake. Unless the leeches didn’t mind killing a bunch of bystanders to authenticate it, and why would they? Maybe a small plane instead. They probably had one of those to spare.

Or would the murderer come home alone, unsuccessful in his attempt to make her one of them? Or not even getting that far. Maybe he’d smashed her like a bag of chips in his drive to get some? Because her life was less important to him than his own pleasure…

The story would be so tragic—Bella lost in a horrible accident. Victim of a mugging gone wrong. Choking to death at dinner. A car accident, like my mom. So common. Happened all the time.

Would he bring her home? Bury her here for Charlie? Closed-casket ceremony, of course. My mom’s coffin had been nailed shut.…

I remember how hard it was to swallow that grief, to be strong for my family. I choked on it as a little boy because I had nowhere to put it. I buried it till I was alone. I never showed anyone my pain. I’d go into a closet and scream, trying to reach her. Sobbing, begging my mom to come back. Cursing out God. The loss of her was still heavy on my shoulders, but I carried her with me, always. Some days were heavier than others. That kind of heavy grief can make or break you. So it was better I didn’t know anything about Bella. Nah, screw that. I just couldn’t handle it.

I was far enough to stop running. I knew the pack would look for me sooner or later, so I had to mask my scent.

The left section of the forest floor turned into ankle-deep mud. Quickly, I sank my paws into it, making sure the mud caked between my paw pads. I then sank myself into the mud and rolled around until my fur was wholly matted down. I even dipped my muzzle for good measure. Fully coated in the sludgy dirt, I took off again.

It might not fully mask my scent, but it should be more muted once I cross a body of water.

I wish I could Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind this shit. Just totally erase the past two years from my brain. Why did Bella Swan ever have to move back here? Why couldn’t she just stay with her mother? And why did I have to fall so deeply in love with her?

Just why?

What kind of luck did I have?

Who’s luck was it that was actually fucked? Mine or hers?

She didn’t even see it as bad luck. She feels lucky to be with him. She thinks they’re so pure and perfect. Yet the Cullens are a true sick breed. Bored with their empty decades, with their arts and education and cars. They have too many objects. They have too much time. So they had to get a new toy. One they could dress up and add to their little coven.

I understand they didn’t choose this life. But they did choose to drag Bella into it.

I shook my head and continued through the trees. In my giant form, I couldn’t sneak past the thorns and branches as easily; I felt them tear into my flesh. Ripping through them as I accelerated, knowing they’d heal in minutes.

Instead of heading North, I made my way down to the Bogachiel River to guide me out of town. I ran alongside it for miles, hopping across both sides over and over to throw off my trail. The rocky path assisted me in hiding my prints.

I’d make my way to the depths of Olympic National Park and surrender to its beauty. I’ll let the towering mossy spruces humble me. I’d immerse myself in the mountains. I’d leave everything I’ve ever known behind me.

I’d head back into Canada, maybe somehow get to Greenland. I’d never get cold, and I wouldn’t die if I got shot at. I’d just keep going. I’d put it all behind me.

Bella asked me if I would live the rest of my days in my wolf form. And I told her I would. I guess that’s what she was hoping for. I concentrated on my memories of the long wolf months, of letting the humanity bleed out of me until I was more animal than man. Living in the moment, eating when hungry, sleeping when tired, drinking when thirsty, and running—running just to run. Simple desires, simple answers to those desires. Pain came in easily managed forms. The pain of hunger. The pain of cold ice under your paws. The pain of cutting claws when dinner got feisty. Each pain had a simple answer, a clear action to end that pain.

Unlike being human.

But even as a wolf, the thoughts still attack in the lonely hours of the night. When everything is quiet, when the moon illuminates you, acting like a spotlight. A showcase for your weakest moments. A fine display of defeat.

Despite it all, I’ll keep going. I’ll keep running. And I’ll hide like a sick, wounded animal that knows it is going to die. Just like she’d want me to do.

Chapter Text

When I woke up in the spare room of the Ateara’s home, I was reminded that the previous day wasn’t all just in my head. Who would’ve thought? It was getting harder and harder to distinguish what was even real anymore. The extreme exhaustion had drug me into one of the deepest periods of sleep I’ve had in a long time. It was much, much needed. And I had no nightmares, surprisingly.

Sunlight highlighted the stuffy room that was filled to the ceiling with boxes. Dust shimmered down slowly throughout the air, which explained my sudden sneezing. The digital alarm clock on the wooden nightstand read 2:07 pm. Great.

I rose out of the rickety futon, cringing at the ruckus, hoping not to be a disturbance. But once I stood up, I backed into a cluttered tower of belongings, which toppled over with a loud crash.

Heat washed over me, and I wanted to crawl out of the tiny window out of embarrassment.

Boxes of photos and documents splayed open onto the floor. A cracked tackle box full of lures, hooks, and bobbers landed on its side. I knelt down to quickly gather everything to put back in its proper place.

Much of the documentation seemed private, so I averted my eyes to the photos instead, which were mostly of young Quil and Joy. There were also many of a man on his boat, which I thought to be a younger Old Quil, but the photos were too new.

“Uh, Bella, you okay in there? Can I come in?” Quil called out from behind the door.

I hesitated, fumbling with the photos that were difficult to peel off the wooden floor.

“Yes, I’m fine!” I called out.

The door creaked open, and Quil slipped into the tight room. I’d clearly woken him as he seemed groggy and was sporting a thin robe paired with flannel pajama pants. His curly hair was more matted and unkempt than usual, a clear case of bedhead.

“Lemme help.” He crouched beside me, gathering the papers and photos much faster than I did.

“I’m so sorry. I should have been more careful.”

“You’re fine. It’s sort of a hoarding situation in here,” he said with a half-hearted smile.

We arranged everything back into a disheveled pile, and I put my hands behind my back to not knock over anything else.

“I just got up, too. You hungry?” Quil asked, leading the way out of the room.

“Not really; I could eat at home. I should probably get going now anyway.” My growling stomach disagreed.

“Oh c’mon, my mom probably left us some stuff.”

Quil waltzed into the snug yellow kitchen while I shyly limped behind him. The house was seemingly empty. Joy must have been at work, and Old Quil still hadn’t returned from last night. But nobody thought anything of it, so I supposed that was normal for him.

I didn’t want to take up more space in their home, and I certainly didn’t want to eat more of their food. Regardless, I was immensely grateful for Quil and Joy.

Quil hovered by the counter, reading a small blue post-it note. Plates of diced fruits, waffles, sausage, and bacon with plastic wrap over them were set atop the kitchen table.

We gathered food onto the set plates and sat across from each other.

“How’s it feel this morning to walk? Might be a little more tender, yeah?” Quil asked, popping a piece of bacon in his mouth.

“Yes, a bit. Not the worst thing in the world; I’ve endured worse.”

“Just keep the cuts clean and bandages changed; you’ll be A-OK.”

“Thanks. And thanks for letting me stay, really,” I said, picking at my food awkwardly.

“You had to sleep in that dingy little closet after a hellish day; it’s hardly anything to thank us for. But I should probably thank you for keeping my mom company. Ya know, she always wanted a daughter, too, I think. You two seemed to get on great.”

I grinned. “Joy’s great. I totally wouldn’t mind having her for a mom.”

“Also,” Quil muttered. “Jake would’ve probably killed me if I didn’t offer refuge.”

I nodded, reaching for the syrup.

“We still couldn’t find him,” he said, looking down. “But we’re more hopeful now. We picked up on his trail but kept losing it. So he must have just fled town in human form at some point. And once he phases again, hopefully, we’ll hear him and show him that you, uh, you know.”

Dread weaved through my chest.

“Sorry. Everything is heavy right now, but I’m sure you want to stay updated on the sitch.”

“Yes, I do,” I said, chewing. “When do you go back?”

“Later. I got in at 7 am. Didn’t get the best sleep as you could imagine.”

“I’m really sorry for waking you, I-“

“You didn’t. You know, you really gotta quit apologizing for every single thing.”

I hid my blush with the curtain of my hair. “So I’ve been told.”

There was a long pause until he whispered, “I couldn’t sleep because of Jake.”

I hadn’t been able to fully process the idea of Jacob being hurt or worse. Too much was weighing on me that that couldn’t have been an option.

“You’re still afraid. Even though you picked up on his trails?” I choked out. The pack always had their emotions in check or completely shut off, so this caught me off guard.

Quil gathered a second plate of food and stared off into space.

“He’s a brother to me. My best friend.” He sighed, wrapping his bacon and fruit in the waffles, dousing the creation in hot sauce and maple syrup. “He’s a pain in the ass, and I’d never thought I’d miss hearing his whining in my head. But we were all begging to hear it last night.”

I was to blame here. I also couldn’t help but feel that Quil blamed me, that the whole pack did. If I had not-

No. I could not allow my mind to go to an even darker place than it already was dwelling in.

I looked deep into Quil’s dark, bloodshot eyes. “He will come back.”

He went back to eating.

I held my breath and let it all spill out once I exhaled.

“Look, Quil, I know how much I’ve hurt him. The pain I’ve caused him haunts me. I try to block it out, honestly. Which is a privilege that I know you and the pack never had. I know this is my fault, but I don’t blame him for running. I really don’t.” I paused momentarily, waiting for him to respond, but he didn’t. “Yesterday, he said he’d do it. Forget his human form and live as a wolf. He’ll phase again soon; I think he prefers it. And you’ll hear him.”

“Still doesn’t explain why we didn’t hear him. And why wouldn’t he say goodbye to any of us? It’s just so… I don’t know, off.”

The ringing of the phone on the wall blared in the quiet kitchen, causing us both to jump. Quil swiftly got up to answer it.

“Hello?”

I watched his face drop instantly.

“What does it matter?”

I stood up from my seat and gathered our empty plates and utensils to put in the sink, trying to hear the other voice on the line to no avail.

“I’m not telling her what she “must do.” She can make her own decisions, I’m pretty sure.” Quil looked at me, rolling his eyes.

“What is it?” I mouthed.

“She’s fine here. We both know it; you’re just-No. I’ll be coming with her to get it. Just leave the key; it’s best you don’t show- GOD! Hold on, hold on.”

He held the phone away from his seething face.

“What is it?” I repeated loudly.

“Leech is bringing your car to the treaty line. Do you want him there or not?”

I took a step, but my knees buckled.

“Oh.”

I didn’t want to have to face Edward just yet. I don’t think I could handle seeing his face, the disappointment in it, the heartache. I could only wonder what his night consisted of—pacing around, waiting for me to wake, sick with worry.

I shamefully shook my head no.

Quil nodded and pulled the phone to his face again.

“Yeah, no. Just leave the car. What?! Well, she stayed here for a reason, so one would assume, ugh, hold on.”

He looked at me again impatiently.

“When you go home, do you want him to come there?”

I cleared my throat and looked down at my bandaged feet. Seeing him would only cloud my mind even more.

I ran for a reason.

“No,” I said sternly. “Tell him I need time. Alone. I don’t want to see him.”

I knew Edward had heard me, and I was glad he had. He needed to know I was serious. A rush of euphoria flooded me; it felt good to stand my ground.

“She says no. She doesn’t want to see you.” I winced. It was different hearing Quil say it to him. It made it more real.

“Fine. Yeah,” Quil said, his shaky hand putting the phone back onto the cradle. “I’m not even going to question how he has my home phone number. Fucking creep.” He cringed.

“Stuff like that is easy for them to get,” I said.

“You must have zero privacy then,” Quil said through his teeth. “He doesn’t trust us with you. Kinda hilarious if you ask me.”

“He’s just…unnecessarily protective.”

“Sure, if that’s what you wanna call it.” He headed through the kitchen archway. “I’m gonna get changed,” he called out.

I looked down at the oversized hoodie and sweats Joy lent me and was reminded of the fact that the only thing of mine to wear was my soiled wedding dress. A shudder ripped through my body. I don’t even think I could look at it ever again.

When Quil came back downstairs in a new change of clothes, I crept into the kitchen archway, my nails digging into the top of my forearm.

“I, um, don’t have anything to change into.”

Quil looked at me, pity on his face, no doubt. “Oh, shit, right. I guess just wear that then, and I’ll get it back to my mom at some point. Are you, um, taking that dress?”

“I’ll come by myself to drop off Joy’s clothes and get it then.”

He nodded. “Alright. Here. Wear these too,” he said, pointing to a pair of small tan moccasins. They were fur-lined with a thin beaded butterfly on the vamp. “Should be comfortable on your feet.” I pulled them on, and we headed out the door.

Seeing the empty Mercedes idling on the treaty line let my nerves settle. Edward was nowhere to be seen. Surely, he was watching from afar to make sure I retrieved it. I avoided looking out beyond the trees.

Quil’s mouth dropped open. “This is your car? What happened to the Chevy?!”

He jogged over to it for a closer inspection. “What even is this thing?”

I shook my head as I hobbled over to the passenger door.

A car like this looked so entirely out of place in La Push and in all of Forks, really. It was sleek and entirely too flashy. And the last choice for a car for myself.

We climbed in, Quil in awe at the pristine interior.

“This is really yours?”

I nodded.

“Where’s the Chevy?” he repeated.

“I.. don’t know.”

He slowly drove the short distance to the front of his home, clearly not used to driving such a car.

“You don’t know? What?”

I sighed.

“It’s on Charlie’s lawn. It’s supposedly dead, but I honestly doubt that. I miss it; I hate this thing.”

“They could afford to spend god knows what on this but couldn’t get the Chevy fixed. That’s some buuuuull. So you didn’t pick this out?”

I snorted. “Gosh. No, Quil. It’s ridiculous.”

“Just a little bit. I didn’t want to say anything, but it’s pretty hideous,” he howled in laughter.

I cleared my throat. “I think he actually broke the truck on purpose. For my safety. He didn’t trust me driving it anymore.”

“Are you for real?”

“I think.”

“That’s just…well, on brand. He doesn’t seem to trust anything other than vampires to be around you. The irony.” He snorted. “Surprised he trusted you with a car and didn’t get a plastic bubble.”

“Might be next on the list.”

“Well, luckily, you don’t have to deal with it anymore. You did the right thing. Fuck them. Sell the car. Not like money means anything to them.”

“Money doesn’t mean anything to me either. I don’t want their money. Or their cars.”

Quil parked, and I slid out, glancing in all directions, hoping no one was around to see. I made my way towards the Ateara house.

“You’re not driving back home? Sorry, I wouldn’t have made you walk at all if I had known you were coming back to my place. I could also drive you if you need.” Quil said, holding the door open.

“Oh, yeah, no, I should. You have to sleep,” I stammered, limping back to him.

“Hey, hey,” Quil said, crossing over to me. “We can hang till I head back out. They can’t bother you here.”

Normally, I would defend them. I’d tell Quil they wouldn’t be bothering me, only checking in on me. I only needed space from them, especially Edward. But truthfully, I didn’t have it in me.

———

Quil gave me a more in-depth tour of his home while filling me in on some recent petty dramas amongst the pack. Paul had imprinted on Jacob’s sister Rachel, and he’d been driving them all crazy with his desperate inner monologue. She had no desire for him, and in his attempts, he only pushed her away. Also, the Emily, Sam, Leah mess was going strong. He updated me on everyone else besides Jacob and Embry. I’d noticed he excluded them from every conversation. It made sense for Jacob not to be a topic of discussion, but Embry?

I listened to his stories until I got distracted by what I saw stacked on his dresser.

“You read?!” I exclaimed, reading the titles of the collection of leather-bound books on display.

“No, I’m an illiterate, uncultured swine. Duh!”

I giggled. “Stop, you know I didn’t mean that. I’m just saying you’re, like, an actual reader. Some of these are rare. I guess I never had a friend from this century who really enjoys reading. And I didn’t expect it.”

Quil got up from his bed and came over to me.

“This one is my prized possession,” he said, tapping a green leather spine that read “HOBBIT.” He caught my curiosity, pulled the book out, and put it in my hands.

A red and gold dragon was etched into the cover on the green leather, wrapping around to the back. The back had gold elvish runes at the top. I realized it wasn’t even in English when I flipped through the book.

“Holy crow! Is this a first edition or something?” I fanned out the beautiful aged pages in awe.

“Yep, yep. First edition in Polish. I can’t understand any of it, but it's just cool as hell. I’ve got a few copies of the English edition, too. All different covers. See?” He pointed to the other copies stacked behind it.

Next to those editions was a framed photo of two young boys dressed up.

“Is that you and… Embry?” I asked, squinting at the photo.

“Oh, yeah.”

“What were you two dressed up as? Was this for Halloween?”

“No, we were dressed as hobbits to see Two Towers when it came out. We were little nerds back then. Clearly.” He smiled, but it fell fast.

“Now that’s just adorable.”

“Yeah, his mom, Tiffany, made the costumes. I figure the best spot for that photo would be next to the books, ya know,” he averted his eyes to the window.

“You guys always seemed so close. Kind of like a package deal.”

“Yeah. Kind of.”

It was apparent I’d entered some tender territory. It was probably best not to pry.

Quil and I gushed over books until I realized it was best to let him sleep. I also knew I needed to get back to my own home.

He offered to drive me home so I didn’t have to put pressure on my feet, but I insisted that I was fully capable. Pushing my foot on the pedal wasn’t pleasant, but it seemed to be getting easier to ignore. The rain started falling heavily on the drive home, and I felt more unsafe in the new car than my Chevy. The Chevy had grit, maybe not speed, but it was sturdy. I supposed I’d have to get used to it.

When I parked, I stepped onto the slicked road and hurried to the front door of Charlie’s, not wanting to ruin Joy’s moccasins. Before I had even knocked on the door, it opened.

“Oh, Bells. Get in, get in,” Charlie said, pulling me through the door.

“Dad, I-“

He pulled me into a big hug before I could even get any words out. I couldn’t bring my arms to wrap around him; they stayed limp by my sides. I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes already.

We stayed like this for a while, listening to the rain beating off the windows. Then, he broke the silence.

“It’s all okay, I promise. This’ll pass, it will, okay?” His hug tightened, and my tears spilled onto his uniform.

I shrugged my way out of his grip.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, fighting the fit of hysteria that brewed beneath my composure. “I really, really cannot talk about it right now, Dad. Any of it.”

“You can’t keep it all inside. I know you’re like your old man with this kind of stuff, but I know how things catch up to you. If you don’t talk about it-“

“I cannot bear to talk about it right now. I’m feeling better and calmer; I just can’t get into it.”

The desperate panic danced under my skin, and I knew it was only a matter of time before it needed to escape. But I couldn’t let it now, not again.

His face twisted in pain as he released me and nodded.

“I’m here. Always. Whenever you want or need. You can tell me anything, even if you think you shouldn’t. I’ve seen a lot of shit, Bells, I’m no fool. If the bastard did anything to you, I swear I’ll do anything in my power-“

“Please. I need to be alone right now. In my own bed. It’s all I ask,” I backed away from him, catching the stray tears that escaped with the sweatshirt sleeve.

He exhaled in defeat. “Okay. I left dinner for you in the microwave. Just know that I’m here.” He kissed the top of my head and hugged me one last time before I slunk up the stairs.

I heavily relied on the banister to pull me up the stairs, hoping Charlie wouldn’t notice. Once he was out of sight, I hopped on one foot to my bedroom and shut the door behind me.

Immediately, I threw off Joy’s loose clothes and searched my drawer for my favorite, familiar flannel pajamas. They were nowhere to be found, so I settled for one of Jake’s oversized t-shirts instead. I groaned as I crawled into bed, eager for sleep to take me. And I was grateful when it did.

—----

The following day was peaceful and mundane. It was exactly what I needed. Just one day where nothing happened and where no one bothered me. Where I could think alone and sort things through in my mind.

The nightmares ravished my mind all through the night, and they caused me to wake up screaming. This time, it was The Volturi who haunted my dreams. Aro knocked on the door and informed me I’d just invited death to my door by postponing my transformation. He proceeded to make me watch him torture Charlie alive, make him beg for mercy. I had to slap my head to banish the brutal scenes from my thoughts.

To compensate for my cold shoulder from last night and my guilt after the horrific dream, I made Charlie a hearty breakfast before he left for work. And when he did leave, I breathed a sigh of genuine relief when I had the house entirely to myself. Alone time was something I always cherished, and God, it’s been a long time since I’ve had it.

It felt amazing, honestly. I got dressed and caught up on some television while I cleaned the living room, took an Epsom bath, and allowed my aching feet to heal; I listened to music, did laundry, and cooked and prepared for dinner.

Little things that drew me back to my humanity, little things that I’ve forgotten the joy of, little things that calmed me down.

As my peaceful little day drifted into nighttime, I still felt the gnawing of my thoughts. The questions. The dread.

I knew I would soon have to face it all: Edward, the Cullens, Jacob’s disappearance, the Volturi.

I didn’t know the answers, and I had to be okay with that right now. All I could do was be true to myself, to my body, and go back to the basics before I tread right back into the heavy, the life or death.

At dinner, Charlie tried to get me to talk again, which I respectfully shut down again. I fled back to my room to end the day, organizing my books and putting away the laundry I’d done with Slowdive’s “Souvlaki” spinning in my CD player.

Pulling off my clothes, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I guess I hadn’t realized how much weight I had lost until Alice mentioned it, but she was right. I could see my ribs prodding out through my skin, my belly was sunken in, and my face looked too angular. I inched closer to the mirror and really.. looked.

The brown eyes that stared back at me looked rather strange. Distant. Unfamiliar. I hadn’t looked into them in a very long time. Though they looked lost, they were still mine. Pretty, even, in the warm-toned lighting of my bedroom. I hadn’t looked at my face or cared if it was mine. I figured it didn’t matter how I looked anymore since turning would fix all the mistakes. But really, was I as distasteful and plain as I’d always thought? Looking at myself with no comparisons in mind, I didn’t think so. I just looked a bit unhealthy, which was something I could change. Humans fluctuate.

What if I got sick of looking at my vampire face? Was ravishing, otherworldly beauty the end all, be all in this life? Did it even make them happy? It seemed that oftentimes, they had more fun playing dress up with me than themselves. I couldn’t imagine looking at an unchanged face for thousands of years.

I further inspected my body; I even found myself posing and swaying a bit to the music. It felt natural to do so.

This body had been through so much with me, and in some weird way, it was beautiful. Not vampire beautiful, but a different kind. Something I hadn’t ever truly realized before. Not when I was like this, bare and not done up. Any time I thought I looked somewhat decent was when I was dressed up. But right now, I saw beauty in the curve of my body and how it wanted to move me. I saw it in the color of my cheeks and the plumpness of my lips.

When a cold draft spilled through the window, I pulled over Jake’s oversized shirt and saw how I swam in it as I danced to the dreamlike music and palpitating echo of the rain that filled my little room.

Sweet thing, I watch you

Burn so fast, it scares me

Mind games, don't leave me

Come so far, don't lose me

It matters where you are

I closed my eyes as the ethereal music took me. The build-up to the chorus burst through my chest; its warmth dripped down into my stomach. Heavenly vocals swirled seamlessly with the distorted guitars.

I felt alive.

This time, when I closed my eyes, I did not see visions of blood and death and horror. What I saw instead took me by complete surprise.

As the sun hits, she'll be waiting

With her cool things and her heaven

Hey, hey lover, you're still burning

You're his song, yeah (hey, hey)

Bright sun rays blurred my vision. Despite the actual frigid temperature in my room, I could feel the air from what I saw in my mind. It felt familiar and dry. Warm. When the sun moved, I could see the long road through Arizona's valley of red rocks. Everywhere I looked, there were towering cliffs of red sandstone, their vibrant colors glowing in the heat waves. The sky above was a deep blue, dotted with fluffy white clouds that seemed to stretch on forever.

Sweet thing, I watch you

Burn so fast, it scares me

The silence of the desert was broken only by the gentle hum of my car engine and the low purr of music on the radio.

Snaking through the valley ahead of me, I felt free. I was exactly where I was meant to be at that moment.

As I drove further along the road, the scenery around me continued to shift and change, the colors and shapes of the rocks transforming endlessly. Each new vista was more breathtaking than the last. I also wasn’t alone.

As the sun descended below the horizon, casting the valley in a warm orange glow, I felt a large hand wrap gently around mine.

My earthbound sun.

Sweet thing I watch you (burn away)

Sweet thing I watch you (burn away)

Sweet thing I watch you (burn away)

I stumbled backward onto my bed, opening my eyes to look up at the ceiling.

I didn’t only say it to Quil to make both of us feel better, he will come back.

I needed him to.

But he needed space. And what he needed was more important right now. He needed space as much as I, even more, I’d say. Once he phases back again from wherever he is, he’ll hear the pack, and they will tell him that I ran. So he won’t have to worry about me changing. Right now, anyway. And I’ll see him again.

I had that hope because I knew Jake better than anyone. I knew he was out there, and I knew he would be back in a few days. I just wished it would happen as soon as possible.

There was no other option.

And when I heard my window screech open, I questioned if my wish had come true.

Chapter Text

I nearly fell off my bed as I swiftly spun around to see who was climbing through my window. But Edward was already standing in front of me.

I gasped and scooted backward.

“Edward,” I said once I was composed. “Y-you scared me.”

“I didn’t mean to frighten you. It’s okay, please.” He reached his hand out to graze my chest. “Calm down, your heart.”

A bewildered look ate away at his perfect face, and the deep onyx of his eyes indicated that he was starving. He was still wearing his suit, minus the jacket and shoes, and his tousled bronze hair made him look almost rabid. Though it was impossible for his face to ever change, he looked nearly unrecognizable in the shadows of my room. There was only one other time I remember seeing him like this, unkempt and defeated. Erratic. And it was when he went off to die in Italy.

I’ve hurt him badly.

I sank further into shame.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I wasn’t ready to speak with you yet. I told you, I told you… not to come.”

He slowly paced around the room, hands behind his back, eyeing every corner. What he was looking for, I wasn’t sure.

“Yes, well, that was yesterday. I wasn’t sure if you’d changed your mind. Regardless, I don’t think I could’ve waited much longer.” He looked at me with sincere pain in his eyes, a pain I’ve not yet seen. The agony dissolved his flawlessness, and he looked almost human.

Instantly, he knelt before me, staring at my feet.

“How are your feet feeling? I saw you limping to the car.”

I knew it.

“They’re fine, healing. Still stings, but I’m walking a lot better. I can ignore it.”

He pulled one of my ankles toward him to inspect my sole.

“Want me to wrap this better?”

“No. It’s fine, really.”

“Or Carlisle can, of course.”

“Edward. Why did you come here?”

He released my ankle and went back to striding across my room. The speed made it seem like he was glitching in the casting glow from my window.

“One day felt like a century. I don’t get the luxury of sleep like you do. I would kill for 8-10 hours of unconsciousness. Though, I bet I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all knowing you were on the reservation.”

I grit my teeth. “They would never hurt me. And you know that.”

He stopped in his tracks and stared at me coldly.

“No, I don’t know that. Neither do you. Do you not realize that they dislike you? I would say some of them hate you. I’ve been in their minds.”

“Exactly, and you know they wouldn’t hurt me even so.”

He scoffed.

“You don’t understand how difficult it was for me to allow them to take you away from me that day. But I knew you would have wanted to be far from the guests and my family. If I knew you were sleeping at the mongrels' house, I would have never-“

“Stop.” I lept off the bed, my hands starting to shake. “Just stop!”

“Did they hurt you?” He floated in front of me, checking my body for injury. He delicately caressed my face. “Are you harmed?”

I stepped back out of his grip.

“No!”

“They’re volatile creatures. Their minds work incredibly differently than any others. While working with them fighting the newborns, I’ve heard their moods change in mere seconds. An excellent ally to have in war, but not to keep as company. They are strong, faster than me, even. Deadly. You should know this by now.”

“And so, vampires aren’t volatile? What am I missing here, Edward? Your own brother tried to kill me. None of your family could bear to be in a room with me when I bleed. The wolves have never hurt me, and I’d be good as dead if it weren’t for them. Their sole purpose is to protect humans.”

His charcoal eyes distended.

“You’re right, of course, we are also dangerous. But we’re more mature and stable. Jasper is better now; I wouldn’t allow him near you if he wasn’t.”

I laughed. “He’s better? After what, a year? What changed? Nothing. You’re being a hypocrite!”

“Shush. You’ll wake Charlie.”

I crossed my arms and sank back onto my bed, looking away from him.

“I’m sorry, love.” He crossed over and knelt in front of me. “I am not here to make you upset. I only came for some answers. I have been going mad. Please, look at me.” I did, like an automatic command. It was nearly impossible to resist his pleading.

His cool hands reached for mine, and he searched my eyes. “Please tell me why you ran. Don’t make me beg.”

His irises felt like a void I was destined for; all rational thought drained from my mind while I descended into the endless depths. The freefall sent ticklish waves through my stomach, much like a drop off a steep cliff. It felt exhilarating. The darkness beckoned me, and I needed to be entrenched within it- to bask in it.

I needed to be his.

“Bella?”

I shook my dizzy head, avoiding his eyes.

This is why I needed to be alone.

I thought back to a few days ago when Alice’s eyes scrambled something in Charlie’s brain to curve whatever he was to say to her will.

“Do all vampires have the mood control power like Jasper?” I whispered, looking into my lap.

“What?”

“Answer, please.”

“No. That’s only him. You know this. Only the three of us have gifts.”

“Do all gifted vampires have mind control abilities then?“

“Mind control? I know some of Carlisle’s friends have similar abilities, I suppose. Why do you ask?“

“Never mind.”

He moved my hair behind my ear, inviting me to turn towards him.

“Will you answer my question now?” His icy breath lured me closer to his face, but I still looked down.

“I… don’t have the answer.”

He hesitated for a moment and then nodded towards my stomach.

“Does this have anything to do with it?”

I looked down self-consciously. “What do you mean?”

“Your shirt.”

“What about it?”

“Is it the wolf you want?”

I glared at him.

“Really?”

“Well, it’s his. Why wear it? It reeks of him.”

“I had nothing else to wear,” I said through my teeth.

“Perhaps you ran because you realized you wanted him instead. Your love for him couldn’t diminish in such a short time; it makes sense. It’s only been about a month and a half since you kissed him, admitted you were in love with him, and ended things with him. Do you remember how you cried on me? I have never seen you in so much pain. Seeing you cry over him in that way will never leave me; it haunts me. I think I know the answer, but please, I need to know. Is that why you wear this?.” He grew desperate.

“I can’t do this right now. There is a reason I said I needed time.”

“Tell me. You need time because you are still in love with Jacob Black, and you want to be with him. You stayed on the reservation because you were expecting him to be there. But he wasn’t, so now you’re in limbo, and that’s why-“

“Wait, how do you know he’s not there?”

“Word travels fast. Also, in case you forgot, I’m a mind reader.”

“What? Who could have told you that? Edward, do you know where he is?”

“No. But I see you’re worried. I could look for him, but is it necessary? He does seem to run at any minor inconvenience. I’m sure he’ll be back soon enough,” he muttered.

“I wouldn’t call this situation a minor inconvenience in Jacob’s perspective.” I rolled my eyes. “He knew I was going to be turned right after we married. I think he needs some space and wants to be alone to grieve,” I said, chewing on my lip.

“I’m sure you wish he knew that you ran; then it wouldn’t be an issue. It’s a shame; we could have settled this much sooner. I’m sure I could find him, and we can all have our answer. But in the meantime, will you answer something for me?”

I nodded.

“If he was on the reservation that day, would you have taken off with him?”

“No, I would not have taken off with him. Now, no more of this!”

“You are young and confused; I expect nothing less, but I need you to tell me why you couldn’t exchange vows with me. You believe withholding the truth saves me from hurt, but it’s the withholding I cannot bear. I may not have a beating heart, but…,” he murmured.

“It was just all too much.”

“So, you don’t still love him?”

“Edward! I’m trying to tell you.”

“Go on, then.”

I hesitated and chose my words carefully.

“I have been having flashbacks. It’s especially bad when I’m under stress. I’ve been trying to keep it under wraps as best as I could, but I snapped; I couldn’t handle it. Edward, I wasn’t ready, okay? I need to sort through things in my mind.”

He stood up and slowly paced again.

“Will you ever be? Ready?”

“I don’t know,” I said quietly.

“Bella, if you want to stay human, you know I’ll be the happiest creature alive, but I worry it may be too late. The Volturi. They’ll be coming to check if you’re still human, and issues will likely arise from this. If you’ve changed your mind about turning, we’ll need to discuss this with my family to figure out what to do.” He twirled around, breaking his pace, and looked at me. “Have you changed your mind?”

It took a moment for me to respond.

“I don’t know.”

In one blurry stride, he was next to me on my bed.

“Sleep on it,” he cooed, stroking my cheek. “Tomorrow, I’ll come get you first thing in the morning, 7 am, and bring you to my place. It will all get figured out. I promise.”

I didn’t look at him, couldn’t.

“Edward, I really don’t want to go there yet. They’re probably so upset with me. Alice probably hates me.”

“They aren’t exactly happy, especially Alice, but they’re more confused than anything. I know it isn’t exactly comfortable, but unfortunately, there is no other time. We need to come together to keep you safe. No matter what you end up choosing,” he said, pain leaking into his voice. “Okay?”

“Okay. Does it have to be so early? How about the afternoon so I can-“

“No. 7 am.”

“Is there a reason?”

“Bella, why must you be so difficult?”

“Fine. I’ll need to sleep now, then.” I scrambled out of bed, gesturing towards the window, but he stayed put.

“Am I not allowed to stay at least until you’re asleep?”

“Edward, no. That’s not really appropriate right now, don’t you think?”

He crossed over to me in a second and leered down, searching my face.

“I love you. You must know that. Nothing changed for me. I’m hurt; trust me, I am beyond hurt, but nothing could stop my loving you. Only a few days ago, we were to be married; you were to be my wife. And now I can’t make sure you fall asleep? Please, I don’t have to stay in the bed,” he said, inching his body close to me. His scent nearly sent me into a trance, but I broke free from him and turned away from him.

“I will see you in the morning.”

I slowly turned, peeking through my hair to see if he left, but he remained in the center of my room.

“Okay,” he finally said. “Promise me something right now, though, before I go.”

I turned around, and he was looking out the window.

“Do not let the wolves come into your room. I mean it, Bella. Do not.”

“What? The wolves? They’re here?” I asked, scurrying past him, but he grabbed my arm and spun me to face him before I could get to the window. He gripped both of my shoulders in his cold grip.

“Don’t let them in. Don’t listen to them. You can’t believe everything they say. Remember, they are not fond of us. Go to bed and keep the window closed. I’m serious, Bella.”

“What is this about? How long have they been outside? Who-“

“It’s not about anything. They’re concerned I’m here, ensuring I don’t turn you.” He rolled his eyes, and I calmed down. “I’m not sure if they’d even try to come into your room, but don’t allow it if so. They seem very aggressive right now; I can hear them. Now that they gave you refuge in La Push, their childish minds perceive that as you being one of them. So they feel the need to protect you from me.”

I cringed at the thought of the wolves circling my house, feeling the need to protect me again. I didn’t even want to see them. Besides, Jacob certainly wasn't the one out there; he’d already be climbing up. The sooner Edward left, the quicker they would leave and get back to looking for Jake.

“I just want to go to sleep, Edward,” I mumbled. I shook out of his grip and walked to my lamp to tug down the pull chain. “Goodnight, " I said as I crawled into bed. Edward’s grief-stricken face lit up in the moonlight.

“Goodnight, Bella.”

And he was gone in a flash.

———-

To compensate for my overwhelming humiliation of facing the Cullens, I dressed nicer than usual. The nightmares woke me at 5 am, which gave me some extra time to get ready.

I tried desperately to make myself look appealing, but it was useless. I searched for the confidence that possessed my body last night before Edward came, but it shrank when I thought of being perceived by vampires. It was silly to think that what I wore mattered. Regardless, I was still just a human.

Charlie was still asleep when I snuck out the front door at 7. I left him a note on the kitchen table stating that I forgot to mention I had plans for breakfast at The In Place with Angela and that I’d be at her house for the day. He’d be relieved to know I was having some girl time to talk about the week's events.

I felt myself shrink smaller and smaller the closer we got to the Cullens home. The tight burgundy knit dress I wore felt as if it were becoming fused to me. I had to keep pulling the turtleneck part off my neck to allow myself to breathe. It felt like it was swallowing me. The tight nylon stockings on my legs were itchy and irritating on my bandaged feet. I tried to focus on the raindrops that cascaded down the passenger window to calm me down.

Edward hummed along to the music on the radio. We hadn’t said much to each other the entire morning. I think that was his idea of giving me space.

The Cullens house was colder than usual. Quieter. Extra sterile. You wouldn’t have guessed that a wedding was held here only a few days ago. A chill ran through me that I had to shake off.

“Where is everyone?” I asked, clinging to his side, not wanting to wander alone through the house.

“Hunting. Alice and Jasper are here, though; they just got back.”

I felt my throat thicken.

“Okay.”

He led us to the living room, where Alice and Jasper sat. When we entered, Alice didn’t look up at us.

“Hi,” Jasper said. I pursed my lips and awkwardly waved.

Blood rushed to my head, and I felt sick. I would’ve rather been anywhere else.

“I brought Bella here to…discuss everything. She’s ready to talk now.”

No, I certainly was not. But what choice did I have?

“They will be back soon,” Jasper said. He rubbed Alice’s thigh while she glared at the wall, arms crossed.

“Alice,” Edward called.

She stayed silent.

“Bella wanted to apologize-“

“I don’t accept,” she barked.

I wanted to hide under the floorboards.

“Be reasonable. If I can forgive her, so can you,” Edward spat.

I dug my nails deep into the sides of my thighs.

“Don’t worry,” he breathed into my ear. “She will come around.”

Alice snapped her head towards us so quickly that it could’ve been missed with a blink.

“Don’t speak for me. Or for her.” Her glare tore through me. “Is there anything you’d like to say?”

“Um. I-i’m sorry, Alice,” I stammered.

“I’ll go,” Jasper said, briskly walking out of the room.

Edward slowly backed away, his mind elsewhere. I could tell by the look on his face that he was hearing something that I couldn’t. He gradually stepped back, listening, growing more irritated by the second.

“Myself as well. Stay here, Bella.”

“What is it?”

I begged with my eyes, but he was gone in an instant. Turning around, I met Alice’s fury.

I hesitantly stumbled to the couch where she sat, but I kept a distance.

“I am. I’m sorry. I didn’t know any of this was going to happen. It just did. I didn’t mean for it.”

“Mhm.”

“I’m serious. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I’m just sort of going through some things right now and-“

“Do you think you’re the only person in the world to go through things? Do you have any idea how you are hurting my brother? He may be trying to play it cool, but he is a mess. You act like we are doing terrible things to you. Like throwing you a beautiful wedding is punishment, something people dream of.”

I said nothing.

“How could you do this to Edward? If you even knew-!”

I said nothing.

“I thought the only thing in the world you wanted was my brother. What happened?”

I said, “I have to use the bathroom,” rose my shaky body off the couch and slightly limped to the stairs.

After pacing the bathroom for 15 minutes, I cautiously stepped out, holding my breath, hoping no one was around. I was met with silence, which restored my balance. I couldn’t sit with Alice alone right now. I had already felt terrible about everything and didn’t need to be further reminded.

Why did I even agree to come?

Well, he didn’t give me much of a choice.

Keeping close to the wall, I snuck down the hall to Edward's room. I paused in the doorway, unsure if I should enter, not wanting to invade his privacy. But then I walked in, remembering how he entered my room last night.

His room was very cluttered, something I’d not seen before. Things were littered all along the floor as if they were all dumped or he was searching for something. He usually kept it exceptionally tidy, especially if I was coming over. I avoided looking too closely at the mess and settled on the edge of his bed.

I needed this to be over with already.

Rain sprayed inside through the window left ajar, allowing the muggy atmosphere to swamp the room. Droplets flitted onto my legs and beaded on my stockings, which were, of course, ridden with runs.

With frustration, I pushed myself back onto his bed, avoiding the rain.

“Ugh!”

When I pushed myself back, I sat on what felt like bunched-up clothes. I snaked them out from under me, tossing them to the side. I did a double-take once I saw what they were.

My pajamas.

“Why…” I asked myself.

I knew Alice had packed a few suitcases of clothes for the honeymoon that never happened, but I was under the impression it was all brand new things that she bought herself. Did they take some of my stuff when I was working my last shifts at Newtons? I could’ve sworn I saw them in my drawer the morning of the wedding, though…

I rolled onto my knees and observed the floor, seeking an explanation. There were books, CDs, notebooks, graded papers, and various pieces of clothing. But what caught my attention was a plugged-in laptop in the far corner of the room. It was white and clunky, one of the newer models: a MacBook Pro. I hadn’t seen one in person since it was recently released and expensive. I squinted, trying to determine what was on the screen, but I had to climb off the bed for a closer look.

I crouched down, too afraid to touch the computer, and tried to understand what I saw.

At first, I thought it was just a zoomed-in black and grey picture of a forest, but the moving branches ensured it was a video. But not just a regular video. Stamped in the bottom right corner read:

7:42:00AM 8/16/2006

A live stamp. A recording. But of what?

This was CCTV footage, something I had only seen on TV and in the back room at work. But this technology was far more advanced than the grainy, delayed screen at the store. This image was much more crisp and refined.

The blue header of the open application window read: CAMERA VISION: BSH1. Another tab read BSH2. Reluctantly, I glided my fingers on the mousepad and clicked the tab.

An instant flurry of regret spun inside of me.

The second tab revealed a new angle of the recording; this time, the familiar tree in front of my bedroom window was in full view.

BSH=Bella Swan House.

That instant flurry of regret quickly turned into a heated anger. It took everything in me not to hurl the stupid laptop out the window. I stood, wobbling, feeling faint. I tripped backward over a book.

It was mine. My copy of The Stranger I’d been looking for.

I fell back to the ground. The old homework papers I grabbed did not have Edward’s flawless handwriting sprawled along its blue lines but my own. Without much thought, I ripped them and threw them across the room.

“Bella?”

I froze. I couldn’t look at him.

“What are you doing in here? You should be downstairs.”

His freezing hands on my flushed skin shocked me back into reality.

“Edward. Why.”

“Why what?”

“Video SURVEILLANCE?! My things?! What the hell is this!” My voice was shrill and cracking.

“Everything I do is for your own-“

“My own what? My safety? Safety from WHAT?!”

“Calm down, Bella.”

“You are a vampire, for crying out loud! You can read minds; you have supersonic senses and speed and strength. You can be at my house in minutes. You’ve been climbing through my window since the month we met! But no, none of that is enough. You need to take my things and break my truck and have cameras at my house! If Charlie sees that, what am I supposed to say? I installed it myself?!” I said, hobbling around the room frantically.

“Alice can’t see everything. I needed to know-“

“Oh my God. So this is about the wolves again. I can’t believe you, I really can’t. You’re unbelievable. It was barely even two days. Why do you have my things? Why on earth did you take my pajamas?! Was that for my safety, too? Because the wolves would see the red flannel, charge at me like bulls, and scratch up my face? I’d love to hear the explanation for that one.”

“You truly don’t understand, do you?”

I started to gather my things off the floor but dropped them out of fury and walked right up to him, looking into his black eyes.

“No, I guess I don’t, Edward. Because I’m stupid and spineless and should never question anything and should assume you are always right and just.”

“I didn’t say that,” he hissed.

“You don’t have to!”

“Lower your voice, please. I cannot believe you are the one angry right now.”

“What?”

“You left me, Bella! You ran off with werewolves! I’m not even sure how you feel anymore. I get no straight answers out of you. Everything is conflicting, and I’m doing everything I can to change things, to protect you, to set us back on track. I installed the cameras only to make sure the wolves weren’t causing trouble. I didn’t think the items of yours mattered since we have always shared everything.”

“But why take them? Old homework? My books? All of my pajamas? I had nothing to wear.”

“No, you did. That was the point,” he said too fast, like a lizard flicking its tongue in and out.

“Huh?”

“Nothing. I’m sorry. You can take your things. I apologize that it’s all in a mess; I was a bit frantic. I didn’t think you’d come in here.”

“No, what did you mean.”

He sighed, sat on his bed, and put his head in his hands. His following words rushed out like a guilty flowing stream.

“I took the pajamas so you only had Jacob‘s shirt to wear to bed. That way, I could acknowledge it, and we could cut to the chase about you choosing him. I figured his scent would have you missing him as well.”

“Edward, that isn’t normal! Does that sound like normal communication? You should be able to bring things up without having to steal my things like that!”

He peaked at me through his fingers.

“Well. I suppose I liked the scent of your pajamas, too.”

“Augh!” I stormed out of the room. But he already had my wrist, pulling me back like a lure reeling in a dying fish. I couldn’t resist him.

“They’re all here now. Let’s settle down a bit before we see them, yes?” He said, taking me back to his bed.

His family must have heard our entire conversation, which made staying in his arms too easy. I was already dreading facing them.

“Fine,” I breathed, dwindling further into his intoxicating aura, allowing it to catch me. It always did, which is likely why I couldn’t ever stay mad at Edward. He was my fix.

“Everything I do is for your safety.” He caressed my burning cheek with the back of his hand. “Everything I do is for you; there is nothing else in this life for me if it isn’t you. You consume my every thought. I may go overboard, in your opinion, when I am worried, but I do what I think is necessary. So I will not apologize for it.”

I inhaled him deeply, knowing it would set me back on any clearheadedness I experienced in the last few days.

It felt too euphoric. And even more so than most other days. As if I was relapsing on the most potent narcotic a human could ingest. His words made it so much worse, too.

At this point, it was clear to me what we were. But I was too much of a coward to admit it to myself- the same coward who had to deeply repress her feelings for someone else. Repression was always well kept in a pressurized little container, but it was destined to implode.

The truth is, I’ve known deep, deep down for a few months now what Edward and I were. And that’s what initially set the nightmares in motion. One night of doubt called for all of the apprehensions to fester in my mind. They couldn’t be forced out. And in the meantime, I was stuck; I didn’t stand a chance against my need for him. The truth of us felt like a slow splitting seam, like the runs tearing through my nylon stockings that I didn’t even want to wear.

Inevitable.

I could put some clear coat nail polish over the laddering or maybe douse it with hairspray to stop it from worsening. But the damage has been done. Eventually, without even digging my fingernails into the fabric, it would come wholly undone on its own.

I knew that we would, too, come undone.

But I couldn’t swallow that truth, still fully cannot. It was too painful. And I’m not sure what would be more painful: choosing him, becoming a vampire while knowing that our foundation was so incredibly artificial, toxic, obsessive. I would be fulfilled for a while, but what about in 10 years? Would our love even withstand the test of time without the aspect of forbidden passion between human and vampire?

Or would staying human be more painful, in which I’d have to face the trauma head-on and try to live without him? Something that nearly killed me in the past. I was addicted to him, and he was addicted to me. Weening off each other felt impossible, something that existed only in another far away life where things were sane and normal.

Was I strong enough?

“Tell me the truth, please. Are you finally afraid?”

The truth was, no, I wasn’t afraid. It wasn’t fear. I have faced death time and time again, and I’m stronger from it. I wasn’t afraid of him. But I knew this was not what I thought it was anymore. I was young, and being wise beyond my age didn’t make a difference. There were things that I’d never reflected upon; I never had the time to. I was constantly focused on whatever life-threatening situation presented itself to us. With most of the danger besides the Volturi gone, the emptiness has been gnawing at me—the trauma at the forefront of my mind. I’d focused the last two years on Edward, and I never allowed any doubt to take any space.

“No.”

“Oh, what I would do to read your mind,” he said, smiling. I looked back into his eyes.

And I fell through them.

An all-encompassing chill of pleasure engulfed my body. I shuddered, craving to beg him to take me right then and there again. I wanted to be one with him. I wanted to be turned inside out for him, fileted only for his liking, a delicate feast to nourish him. He could have gutted me this very instant, and I would not care.

I wanted Bella Swan to be disfigured by the venom that lubricated his very system. I wanted her out of the way.

I stared deeper into his eyes, the room around us morphing into a strange, plastic place that couldn’t hold my interest anymore. The thin fabric of reality became penetrated by his pupils, which shot clean through like bullets, leaving a tattered nothing in its place. I no longer cared about anything else. I solely wanted to sink deeper into his eyes and remain there. The more I sank, the less I cared. The more I sank, the stupider I felt for being angry with him. What on earth was I thinking?

“Bella?”

How could I ever leave him? The love of my life. The one I’d give my life, body, and blood to. Being with him was sacred. I made my choice a long time ago and let my foolish, sleep-deprived brain and anxiety get in the way of us.

He drew me in so deeply, and I was drowning again.

The tides of old, black blood struck me down into nothingness. My ears rang loudly, but I heard his panicked murmurs through it. I was elsewhere, floating, not panicked this time. I was nothing now, a thing of the past—a thrall for him.

A few minutes later, I broke the surface, and I was staring out the window. Rain splattered across my cheeks.

“Oh, Bella, love. What happened? Can you speak?”

Edward had me cradled in his arms, hovering by his open window. The cool breeze revived me.

“Y-yeah.”

“Was it something that I said? I’ll be more gentle; I’m sorry.”

“N-no. Eyes. It was just your eyes.”

He laughed a bit hysterically.

“My apologies,” he said, sporting his crooked smile. “Though I don’t know what you mean.”

I sat up on my own, rubbing my face.

I cannot look into his eyes again. I can’t be too careless again.

“Yeah, right.”

“I’m quite flattered you’re still dazzled by me despite the current circumstances. I’m certainly not looking my best either.” He cackled again as I rose out of his arms.

The ground felt solid, and the room stopped spinning. I waited for my mind to catch up.

“It sort of just happens. Like I’m being lured in. I don’t know. Sometimes, it’s more so than other times. I still can’t exactly explain it,” I said, sighing.

“Hmm, yes. It’s biological. As you can tell, I haven’t hunted in days. The hungrier I am, the more my pheromones try to ensnare you, to feed off you. I wish I could turn that off for you so you didn’t faint like that.”

I still wasn’t afraid. Surely, he said that to maybe get me to admit that I was something he was always waiting for me to say. But even with the nightmares and the flashbacks and the panic, it still didn’t fear him.

And it dawned on me right then that I didn’t feel the fear because of exactly what he was speaking of.

How would I even feel the fear if his pheromones were designed to lure me? It would mask it, giving me no chance to fight, and I was already a weak target to begin with. This wasn’t new information; he told me in the meadow exactly that, and I didn’t care, but I thought I didn’t care because I was in love with him. But truthfully, I didn’t care because the chemicals in his body were not allowing me to. His hypnotic eyes struck me down into submission.

This is why I’d been flip-flopping, why I’d even managed to fall in love with someone else in the first place, why I ran, why I started having flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks, because Bella Swan was in me, trying to scream reason into my brain, through the overpowering hypnotic force that has conditioned me.

She was the one underneath all the layers, fighting through the predation. I thought she was the smaller voice that didn’t matter, but she was right all along.

The truth was bubbling out from within me now, burning. It severed through my very core, oozing out, leaving a trail of raw, inflamed wounds in its path:

I was not in love with Edward Cullen in the way I thought I was.

I was not in love with him at all.

“Are you ready to go downstairs now?” he asked.

“Yes,” I managed to say through the tears that almost won.

——

The silence in the living room was deafening.

Alice and Jasper were in the same spot on the couch; both of them glared at me this time. Emmett and Rosalie casually leaned against the wall, arms crossed, their expressions blank. Of course, Esme and Carlisle met me with inviting smiles, which made me feel sick with guilt. All six pairs of their butterscotch eyes reflected vividly in the fluorescent lighting and torched through me.

No one said a word. They waited for me.

“Sorry for making you all wait,” I muttered, looking at the spotless floor. “Um. Before we discuss things, I want to say that I didn’t mean to make any of this more complicated. And I didn’t mean to embarrass or confuse anyone. It was a beautiful wedding, really, I do appreciate all of the thought put in. I-I guess I wasn’t ready, and it caused me to sort of freak out. I’m trying to process things.”

“We understand,” Carlisle said, stepping toward Edward and me. “From the beginning, we knew that this was… unconventional, and, of course, you are still quite young. We respect whatever you choose, but know you always have a place in our family. We still intend to protect you as our own.” Esme nodded in agreement, but her heart-shaped face had a hint of melancholy spread within its features.

“Yes, Bella will stay under the Cullens protection, no matter what,” Edward said, mainly to the others in the room.

“So, what does this mean though? Are you two still a thing or what?” Emmett said, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips. Rosalie nudged his arm with her elbow.

“I don’t think that’s of concern right now, Emmett,” Carlisle said.

“Made her blush though!”

He meant well; I couldn’t get too uncomfortable with the comment.

“Emmett,” Esme warned, and he put his hands up in defense, apologizing.

“You can figure that out on your own accord, of course. But in the meantime, we need to figure out what to do about the Volturi if you choose to stay human. This may be an even bigger issue than we realize,” Carlisle said.

“Can we fake her death? I doubt they will even look into it much; she’s only human. We could say Edward finally lost control with her. Aro knew his thirst and likely wouldn’t be surprised. They may not even want to make the trip out if it’s convincing enough,” Rosalie said. Edward clenched his teeth beside me.

“I’m afraid not, unless Bella relocated. And even then, they’d probably still have eyes on her. Also, if we were to encounter Aro in the future, he would see the lies if he took one of our hands. It’s too risky. Honesty is what allowed the Volturi to trust us in the first place and why they have given us any grace with this matter. If we were anyone else, Bella, Edward, and Alice would not be here. They were merciful,” Carlisle said, stroking his chin.

“They spared us due to Edward and I’s gifts. Aro hoped one day we would be an asset to them,” Alice cut in, her voice monotone, eyes darting to Edward. They communicated something they didn’t want anyone else to hear.

“Hmm. Yes, true,” Carlisle replied.

“But you’re wrong, Carlisle,” Alice said, breaking eye contact with Edward.

“How do you mean?”

“It is a cause for concern.”

“What?”

“Them being together or not. Bella choosing to leave Edward sets it all in motion.” She was seething. I knew she was mad about me running, but something underneath it all made her despise me now. Whatever it was, Edward knew.

“We need a plan and can’t depend on Bella’s-“

“I’ve seen it,” Alice whispered. But it was the loudest statement yet. Edward cleared his throat; he didn’t want her to say whatever she was about to say.

“What have you seen?” Esme asked.

“Alice. Not yet. Let’s see if we can devise an alternative and change it,” Edward spat.

“Change what?” I pulled him to me, but he ignored me.

“I’ve seen what this all comes to. You can all save your breath now,” she said as Esme sat beside her, concerned.

“Things aren’t always certain, Alice. Whatever it is you see could be from my-,” I stuttered.

Her eyes were set on me again.

“No. This was a long time coming. Your future has been muddy and changing constantly for months; you have been constantly changing your mind. I said nothing because I hoped you would make it up. I hoped the wedding would be the thing to set it all straight.” She motioned to Edward. “We both hoped. We were wrong.” She stood up and was in front of me within seconds.

“It started after you asked me if I saw you turning. I was taken aback by how unsure you were. It was much clearer then, and I easily saw you as one of us, happily married to my brother. But the look in your eye told me otherwise. It started shifting and changing and then started going black. I thought it was your nerves; you are a nervous human, after all, or I thought it was your crush on the wolf still going through your system.”

“Alice, relax,” Edward said, towing me away from her.

“No!” She shouted in his face. “She betrayed us!”

“We can think of other options! That was the point of this, to see if anyone had any other ideas. None of what you saw is set in stone.”

“What did you see?” I begged.

“I’m not keeping this from them anymore. Accept that she chose them, Edward!”

Carlisle rested his hand on her shoulder.

“You don’t need to come down on Bella. We are all upset. You put so much work into it, we all wish-,”

“This isn’t about the wedding. Let me finish.”

Carlisle nodded, and she turned back to me.

“Your future has been completely black since you walked down the aisle. That only means one of two things: you die, or you are amongst wolves. Right now, it’s black. It’s no longer flickering. So you’ve decided and I don’t want to hear your excuse of ‘needing to process things.’”

Raw, stabbing panic tore through my chest. Numbness engulfed my legs, and I would’ve fallen if Edward wasn’t holding me up.

“Black? Completely nothing? But she’s here right now, and it’s still black? Death. Bella will die?” Esme’s gold eyes widened, and it looked like she was about to faint, too, if she could.

“No. She lives. Unless she dies in some other way by the mutts or otherwise. I’ve seen that the Volturi spare her but only for something in return. A sacrifice.”

“What do you mean a sacrifice? Alice, dammit, tell me what happens!” I asked.

She stepped closer to me, her face an inch from mine.

“Edward joins them.”

Chapter Text

I wanted real human food. Guess you could call me weak. But raw elk meat could never beat a piping hot meal, and I’m not ashamed to admit that. Did that make me less of a wolf and more man, precisely the type of thing I was trying to undo? Maybe.

Oh well.

I haven’t been sleeping much, but when I managed to get a few hours, I dreamt of burgers. Specifically, those damn salmon burgers that I’ve had right over the Canadian border once before. In my dream, they serenaded me to eat them; with little faces and instruments and all. What was I supposed to do? Not listen to them?

Of course not.

And that’s how I ended up back in my human form, walking down the side of a highway past the border. This is a prime example of how pathetic human desire is and the lengths one will go to fulfill it.

I got honked at a few times, probably by people thinking I was BigFoot or maybe cause I looked straight-up ridiculous. I wore ill-fitted clothes and shoes that I stole off a clothesline from a farmhouse in Custer. Not a super nice thing to do, but I figured it would’ve been less nice (and, ya know, illegal) to walk around butt ass naked. It was the lesser of two evils.

The rush hour traffic was hectic; everyone was cutting each other off, desperate to get home. The commotion snapped me back into real life, something I’d forgotten about for the week. I didn’t want to keep track of the days of time, but I felt like that was all I had when I was living in solitude under the starry onyx skies. I wasn’t used to solely having to listen to my own thoughts. Usually, I had one of the guys distract me or pull me out of my overthinking stints. Maybe Jared would’ve done something stupid or Sam would’ve said something to piss me off.

But at night in the forest, I had nothing. Nothing but memories on repeat.

I could’ve probably found another way besides the highway to get to where I was headed, but my brain wanted to be filled with sound. A Mack truck passed alongside me, holding its horn down, and I welcomed the ringing in my ears.

I still flipped him off, though.

The noise kept my brain busy while I played a gross game of hopscotch, leaping over glass, car parts, and roadkill. It wasn’t pleasant, but at least I wasn’t sitting on my ass anymore.

I walked off at the next familiar-ish exit, hoping to God it was in the same area where I had the precious salmon burgers. Though I would’ve settled for anything at that point, as my stomach felt like it was collapsing. One of the more annoying parts of being a wolf was the constant hunger.

I took a shortcut through a patch of unruly forest to have the sights and sounds of White Rock, Canada, welcome me at last.

Quaint, pastel-colored homes with well-kept lawns lined the sidewalks. The collective hum of lawnmowers and the faint smell of superiority lingered in the air.

I strolled down the streets, half expecting to be annoyed by white people with pitch-perfect smiles offering slices of organic, gluten-free apple pie they baked just because "isn’t such a lovely day?”

But instead of being annoyed, I appreciated the little suburban beach town.

It was…wholesome.

One of the homes across the street jumped out at me. It was a mint-colored corner house adorned with string lights and beachy decorations. Radio pop music emanated from its open windows. But the two screeching black-haired children hopping around in the lawn’s sprinkler stopped me in my tracks. They were carefree and blissful; they didn’t have a care in the world.

I couldn’t help but smile.

A man and a woman came through the wooden backyard gate in bathing suits to join the kids. Without hesitation, they spun their children around in the chaotic water streams, full-belly laughing with them. When the mother slipped on the sodden lawn, the kids promptly attempted to help her with their tiny fingers. But it was her husband who pulled her up swiftly and asked, “Are you okay, honey?”

I averted my eyes and continued to walk along the pavement.

Yeah, maybe a picket fence house in the burbs was basic and cliche, but that part didn’t matter so much. It could’ve been a box on a beach. I just wanted what they had.

But screw the simple things in life, I guess. Shit’s old news. These days it’s more about being a billionaire vampire fucker. Now, that was all the rage.

The waves crashing on the shore in the distance reminded me of home, and I felt a pang of guilt thinking of everyone back at La Push. I hoped my Dad was alright; he was tough and could hold his own, but I still felt like a coward. I hoped the guys weren’t worried; they would eventually understand.

I speed-walked across the intersection, following the scent of food, which strengthened as I turned the corner. It was definitely familiar, the exact location where I had the salmon burgs, but the restaurant looked entirely different.

The old place I’d been to was a no-thrills shoddy shack; that’s how I knew the food would be bomb. In its place now stood a large yellow Victorian-esque beach house with white vertical columns at the entrance. The word ‘WAG’ was written on the black awning. Nothing about it looked like a place to eat anymore, but the wafting scent of steak didn’t lie.

I hesitated at the entrance after two couples in cocktail attire exited. In the reflection of the closing glass door, I examined my laughable outfit. The white t-shirt, streaked with dirt, swelled around my biceps and exposed a bit of my midriff. The grass-stained jeans were a better fit, but they still looked stupid paired with the insanely tight Nike high tops I had to cut open to fit my feet.

Worst they could do was kick me out, right?

I shrugged and made my way inside.

Upon entering, the scent of meat had me close to salivating. It took a lot of restraint not to take the tray of food out of the passing waitress’s hand, but I figured I’d done enough stealing for the day.

The walls were plastered with all sorts of beach decor, making it look like a local yard sale had thrown up on them.

Behind her podium, the hostess eyed me up and down, but she smiled instead of saying anything rude.

“Hi, sir. Do you have a reservation?”

“I do not, no.”

“Alright, are you here to sit at the bar?”

“Uh, yeah, that works. Can I get food at the bar?”

Her smile then met her eyes. “Yes, here.” She handed me a laminated menu. “There’s the indoor bar behind me or the one outside, through the back door to the left.”

“Sweet.”

“Enjoy.”

The inside felt cramped since it was packed with other well-dressed groups of people, so I went outside, where it was less occupied. Heat lamps and stone fireplaces were scattered about the patio, which made it warmer than I wanted. A few families with kids sat at the white-clothed tables while women sat on the couches, sipping cocktails, making the atmosphere much more relaxed.

I plopped on a backless leather stool at the far left end of the bar. Men who were dressed down drank beer, picked on chicken wings, and conversed loudly next to me, paying me no mind.

I threw my hair up in a bun while scanning the menu titled WASHINGTON AVENUE GRILL.

Couldn’t escape the goddamn state of Washington if I tried.

Also, to my disappointment, they didn’t have salmon burgers on their menu.

“Can I get you something?” the bartender asked, stretching across the wooden top to hear me over the men’s banter.

What better time to try alcohol?

I peered at the bottles behind him, and the first one that jumped out at me was a label that read Johnny Walker Black.

“Yeah, I’ll get an old fashioned,” I answered as if I’d ordered it a million times, hoping he wouldn’t ask for an ID.

He nodded, immediately fetching a glass and filling it with ice and whiskey and whatever else went into one of those.

I sighed in relief.

Shortly after the bartender placed my drink in front of me, a waitress came by and took my order of two Wagyu burgers with a couple of sides.

Curiously, I stirred the drink with my finger and took a small sip. I was pleasantly surprised by the sweet taste that lingered on my tongue. It wasn’t at all how I expected alcohol to taste.

“Hi there,” called a voice from behind me.

I turned around to see a young woman in a knee-length white sundress standing a few steps back. Her long brown hair, flowing wild in the salty breeze, cascaded down to her waist. Though she wore sunglasses, I could tell she was staring intently at me.

“Is anyone sitting there?” she asked, pointing to the seat beside me. Her lavender fingernails looked sharp and glued on.

“No, go for it.”

She awkwardly climbed onto the stool, adjusting her dress underneath her.

“Thanks.”

I focused on the melting ice in my glass.

When she ordered her drink, the bartender didn’t request her ID, which was odd since she looked to be about 18 or 19.

I slugged down the rest of the contents from my glass, ice and all. The whiskey gave me a buzz for a few seconds, but it probably wasn’t possible to get drunk. I’d likely need 20 of them to feel anything longer than 30 minutes. Didn’t think my liver would like that very much though.

“I like your style,” the girl said. But I had no idea she was talking to me until I saw her facing me in my peripheral.

I snorted. “What?”

“Your style, I like it. Not abiding by a dress code and all.”

“Can’t tell if that’s a backhanded compliment, but thanks.”

She giggled. “No, I mean it. Do you know how tired I am of seeing men in boat shoes and khakis?”

I couldn’t hold back my laugh. “Alright, makes sense.”

The bartender slid a bizarre purple drink to her. It looked like a witch’s potion with its leafy sprigs and fruits hanging over the rim.

“The hell is that?” I asked.

“It’s called a Purple People Eater. I had it once at a Halloween party, and now I’m addicted.”

“Interesting choice.”

“With a fun name,” she chirped.

“It kinda matches those talons you got on,” I pointed out.

She sucked on the straw and playfully clinked her nails on the glass.

“That’s the point. You have an eye for details.”

“Guess so.”

“Wanna try it? It’s super sweet.” She held the glass up in my direction.

“Uh, no thanks,” I said, slightly leaning away.

“Hm. I take it you’re into more manly drinks anyway.”

“Manly drinks…”

“Whiskey, beer, you know. You’re all rugged and stuff.”

“I see.”

Canadians were fucking weird.

“And you look pretty tough, like you must work out a ton. Do you?” Her gaze trailed up and down my arms.

“Not really,” I muttered.

I fiddled with a straw wrapper, focusing on turning it into a mini bow.

Was this girl seriously hitting on me? My paranoid ass couldn’t help but feel like someone was setting me up. Possibly the leech paid her to come talk to me or some shit. I wouldn’t put it past him to do something like that.

Once the waitress dropped off my food, I scooted my seat further away from her and dug in instantly. Everything around me faded away, and I only cared about the fatty sustenance soon to be in my stomach.

I ate like a pig, but she kept going.

“Are you new in town?” she asked.

“Nah, I’m just passing through,” I replied, licking the burger juices off my fingers.

“Figured. That’s a shame.”

“Oh?”

“Where are you from then?”

“Vancouver,” I lied.

“Oh! Not too far, then. I thought for sure you’d be from America.”

I ordered another drink and tapped my foot impatiently.

The crowd of men at the bar got rowdier, which I was thankful for.

“So you came down to enjoy the beach?” She asked.

“It’s summer, after all,” I said with a mouth full of food.

“A beautiful one at that.” She turned around to gaze at the ocean in the distance. “That’s the one plus of living here, I’d say. But Vancouver has some nice beaches, too. Maybe I’ll visit soon.”

I focused on my potato wedges.

“When are you headed back?” she asked.

I shrugged and shoveled the potatoes slathered in ketchup in my mouth. It was easier to tune her out when the food was so good.

Until she scooted closer next to me.

I looked at her then, swallowing.

She rested her sunglasses atop her head and stared deeply into my eyes, not blinking.

“You have nice eyes,” she murmured.

“They’re just brown,” I said, pulling away again.

“Well, so are mine. You don’t think mine are nice?” she gasped sarcastically, putting her hand over her chest.

I wanted to look away, but I caught myself.

Why?

Why was I so afraid of other women when, really, I should be moving on anyway? I’d never be ready for someone new. Better to get it over with and rip it off like a bandaid. Gotta start somewhere, right?

But then I remembered that there was something that could take it all away, all the pain.

If I found my imprint.

Would it be fair to be with another woman unless it was my imprint? No. I knew that. But if it was my imprint, Bella would never cross my mind again.

My guard dropped, and I stared harder into the strange girl's eyes, waiting.

Waiting for all the strings to snip away, for all the agony to diminish. Thinking that only one look could make it all go away was electrifying, something I could get addicted to.

I could start a whole other life, fresh and far away from the horrors I’d left in the goddamn state of Washington.

I could be free.

But defeat crept in the longer I stared into her eyes.

Cause I felt fucking nothing.

Was this what I had to do? Go around to random towns all around the world and stare into a woman’s eyes to sever this pain? If that’s what I had to do, I’d do it.

I wasn’t desperate to be with someone, but I was desperate not to feel like this anymore.

“Y-you’re intense, huh?” she said, her cheeks turning a shade of pink, and I hated it. I hated what it reminded me of.

I looked down at my near-empty mess of a plate.

“Sorry,” I said.

I sprung out of the stool, shoving the rest of the food in my mouth, and threw the only $100 I had to the bartender.

“Keep the change.” I didn’t want any excuse to need to be in my human form again. Elk meat would have to suffice.

“Hey, what-“ the girl started to say, but I stormed away before she could finish.

I felt all the patron's eyes on me as I pushed through the door back into the restaurant.

Upon locating the bathroom upstairs, I stayed in the stall long enough to calm the hell down.

—

After making 28 toilet paper bows in the bathroom stall, I figured it was clear to leave. I barreled out of the restaurant feeling refreshed and digested. Cautiously, I peered around the packed lot and was relieved when I saw no one. I slunk past the cars, occupied with the changing violet and pink sky. An airplane twisted through the thick, orange clouds, leaving a trail of white behind. The temperature was slightly dropping while the sun did.

The peace was disturbed by a loud car engine failing to start in the corner of the lot.

A couple of inches from the sidewalk, I heard a muffled female yell. I looked and saw the girl hitting her steering wheel in frustration.

I should’ve kept walking, but I idled a couple seconds too late, and she already saw me. She waved me down frantically, climbing out of the driver's door.

“Hey!” she called out.

Someone else would eventually show up to help her, right? Did it have to be me? I could tell her I had to head back to Vancouver ASAP.

“Please, please, can you help me out here? This stupid thing won’t start!” she cried.

It made a little more sense now if the bloodsucker paid the chick. He could’ve told her I was good with cars. But if so, she sure was committing to the bit since the car sounded shot. Maybe he promised to buy her a new one.

She deserved the money because she looked like she would cry, standing behind the burgundy Jeep Grand Cherokee.

I was being paranoid and I really almost walked away. But I didn’t because I’d seen too many Dateline shows to know that criminals often took advantage of situations like these.

“I just need to get home,” she said.

I sighed and crossed the lot. It’d probably be a quick fix.

“Hey, hey. Relax,” I called out to her as she pouted.

She wiped her defeated face and came around to the car's hood.

“It won’t start,” she stated.

“I can see that.”

Flakes of rust shed everywhere as I propped up the hood. The thing had to be old. The engine bay was a wreck, infested with oil-soaked leaves and twigs.

I checked to see if any spark plug wires were loose, but everything seemed okay. Since I knew the engine was at least getting some spark, I searched for anything wrong with the fuel delivery system. Everything looked good on the fuel rails, but I noticed the fuse box cover was loose. I took it off and saw a couple of relays that must’ve worked their way out of place, so I pushed them back in.

“Do you want me to try to start it again?” she asked.

“No.”

I went around her and ducked into the driver's seat, where a much worse issue was discovered. I put my foot on the pedal and got the car to start, but the pedal went all the way to the floor. The car was a death trap.

She clapped excitedly once she heard the revving engine.

“When was the last time you got anything fixed on this thing?” I asked out the open window.

“I-I don’t know. A while. I was told it’d be too much in repairs to be worth it,” she called over the roaring engine.

“This thing shouldn’t be driven. It’s running now, but you need to bring it to a shop before you drive it again.”

“I need to drive it, though, especially now! I have a sort of long drive this week.”

“Well, take it in, or you’ll need another ride.”

“But what’s wrong with it?” she asked.

“A lot. It wasn’t running cause something was loose. But two main things need to be addressed. Your brake pedal goes all the way to the floor, making the car a death trap. And I think I saw a squirrel nest behind your alternator, which is no bueno. Those fuckers will chew on all the wires they can get their teeth on. Get that all fixed, and you’ll be good for now.”

“Are you a mechanic?” She inched closer to the window.

“Something like that.”

“Do you think you could help me? I really need to do the drive this week, “she pleaded.

“I gotta get back. Find a shop around here and tell them what I said.”

“Please, I can’t afford that right now. Could you do the main fixes? The main thingy, whatever you said, and the squirrel nest?”

I rubbed my temple. The girl was obviously careless if she’d been driving the piece of shit for so long. I couldn’t have that guilt on me if she was the victim of a car wreck.

“I’d need some tools.”

“I have! My dad left a ton in the garage.”

“And he can’t fix this for you?”

She looked away. “No, he’s not around.”

I sighed. “Alright, l’ll drive.

She got in the passenger seat and directed me a couple of blocks away. The thing drove like shit. It rattled and felt like it would lose control if I even slightly accelerated–it was a relief to park it.

“I really appreciate you doing this,” she said as I pulled in front of her dark blue house.

“No prob.” I slid out of the car and with no time to waste, I popped up the hood. She retrieved a red toolbox from the garage and set it by my feet.

“Your shoes…”

“Yeah, don’t ask,” I snorted.

There was indeed an old, disgusting squirrel nest behind the accelerator that I pulled out bit by bit. There was a pungent scent of rot coming from it, but I luckily didn’t see any dead animals. I plucked out all the oily leaves, adding them to the nasty pile on the floor.

The girl dragged two white lawn chairs from her backyard, placing them against the side of her house, parallel to where I stood. With a blanket wrapped around her, she sat crisscrossed in one of the chairs.

“Where’d you learn to do all this?” she asked.

“Just messing around with cars, bikes, whatever my whole life.”

“So it’s your job?”

“No.”

“You should start your own shop or something!”

“Maybe.”

I scoured the toolbox for a wrench to tighten a couple of things.

“Why not? A lot of people are clueless when it comes to this stuff, you’d never go out of business.”

“Yeah, but sometimes money ruins it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like if you have a hobby you enjoy, making money off it can suck the fun out of it.”

“Hm. True. But you wouldn’t need a boss or anything. You could make all your own hours and everything.”

“Shit,” I muttered to myself when a jutted edge sliced my finger right open. Blood spurted out onto the rusty old engine bay, soaking in with some remaining leaves.

Instinctively, I covered it with my other hand, hoping she didn’t see it miraculously heal in seconds.

“You okay? Did you hurt yourself?” she asked, half rising from her seat, trying to get a look.

“No, no, sit, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” She got up and stepped over to me.

“I said I’m fine, goddamnit!” I shooed her away, and she sat back down. The cut completely healed over–it looked as if nothing happened.

“Sorry,” she whispered, her eyeswide with fear.

I clicked my tongue.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m just trying to focus.”

“I can leave…”

“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry. Stay.”

—-

When everything was said and done, I closed the hood and ran some tests. The engine bay was nice and cleaned out and the brake pedal was fixed.

“It’ll be good for a couple months, but you oughta get something else soon,” I said, breaking the silence.

She stayed in the lawn chair, fidgeting with her fingers.

“Thanks again. Can I pay you a little something?”

I almost said yes, cause goddamn I wanted more real food, but I refused it when she pulled out three crumpled up 20’s from her back pocket.

“Could I get you a beer then? Are you in a rush to leave?” she asked.

“I mean, sort of…”

“Come on, that was a lot of work. Please?”

I felt bad for the way I yelled at her so I sunk down into the plastic chair next to her; it felt like it could’ve snapped from my weight.

She beamed, jumping out of her seat.

“I’ll be right back.”

I tried to mirror her smile, but I wasn’t sure it looked genuine.

The watercolor sky grew dark and the chirping crickets became too loud to ignore.

She returned to the side of the house with two beers in her hand.

“Thanks,” I said as she tossed one to me.

She grinned as she struggled with the cap.

“Cheers,” she clinked her bottle to mine.

“Cheers,” I said as my stomach sank at lurking memories.

“What’s your name, by the way? I’m sorry I didn’t ask earlier, I was going to, but you left,” she asked, taking a swig.

“Jacob.”

“I’m Elizabeth.”

“Cool.”

“Mhm.”

An automatic light flickered on above her head, distorting her features to look softer.

“How old are you? I notice you didn’t get ID’d back at that place.”

“Oh, yeah, they don’t care. You’d think a nicer place would, but nope! Never got ID’d there. I’m 19, you?”

“21,” I lied, taking a swig of the hoppy bitter drink.

Lightning bugs fluttered around the concrete driveway, dipping in and out of the small patches of grass.

“Can I say something?” she asked.

I nodded slowly.

“You’re very, very good looking,” she hid behind her beer bottle, bashfully. “And really good at what you do.”

“Ah. Thanks.”

I started to panic a little. And it was stupid. Why couldn’t I accept the damn compliment and not feel afraid? Not feel like I was betraying someone?

“Do you have a girlfriend or something?”

The question felt like a knife to the heart.

“I don’t, no.”

“So you’re just.. reserved?”

“With strangers.”

“Sorry, that’s true. I guess I’m used to guys immediately coming onto me first and what not.”

“I don’t really do that.”

“I can tell. I think that’s why I was drawn to you. Can I say something else?”

I nodded.

“I’m sort of happy my car broke down again.”

“That shouldn’t make you happy. The thing‘s dangerous.”

She laughed. “I know, I know. I mean, I’m happy it broke down because, well, when you ran out of the bar, I thought I said something wrong. But I didn’t, right? Otherwise, I don’t think you’d help me.”

I chugged the beer.

“I’m sorry if I said anything weird. I just think you’re really cool,” she said shyly.

“No, you didn’t say anything wrong. Don’t worry about it.”

“So why did you leave like that?”

I bit my lip, trying to not say the wrong thing.

“I guess I have a lot going on right now, you know?” I admitted.

“Oh. Well, yes, I think I do know.” She eyed her home up and down, pursing her lips. “I do too. Things haven’t been too easy around here.”

It was strange that no one else was at her house by this time. Was it just her dad and her?

“But, so, do you want to talk about it?” She asked, peering up at me like a lost puppy.

“Not really,” I answered, rising out of the chair. “Look, I’d better get going now.”

“Wait a sec, is your car back in the lot of Washingtons?”

“Um, no.” I slipped my empty beer bottle in the recycle bin against the house.

“Where is it? Do you want me to take you to it?”

“No, no, it’s not here, it’s at the shop.”

“Why? Couldn’t you have fixed it yourself? How’d you even get here then?” she asked, perplexed.

I could have said anything else and it would’ve been more believable.

“A friend dropped me,” I answered.

“Oh, wait a sec before you go.” She held up her pointer finger. “Wait.” She darted into the house again. And again, I should’ve walked away, but it was a little late for that.

She came back out with her hands behind her back, blushing.

“Here,” she handed me a post-it note. “It’s my phone number. I’d really, really like to see you again.”

“I uh-”

“Or I don’t know, maybe I could help you get some customers in the area. I know a lot of the people in town. I know you don’t do it for money, but it’s the least I could do for you helping me today.”

I almost told her to not waste her time, to go bother some other dude but I decided to keep my mouth shut.

“Okay. Have a good night.” I backed away, hands in pocket.

“Goodnight, Jacob!”

I turned around on one foot and started down the street.

Who was this girl, and why the hell was she so into me?

When I was a couple blocks over, I approached a pink house that had its garbage pail at the end of the driveway. I pulled out the post-it note and read the number a few times. I dangled the purple piece of paper over the rim.

My heart instructed me to tear it up into pieces and throw it out. It also told me to run back home, to let everyone know I was alive. To hug my dad. To join my brothers again. To go to Bella’s and see if she changed her mind.

My head told me to quit dreaming and phase. To go back to the woods and stick to my plan. To suck it up and let time heal the wounds. To live as a wolf and be free.

But I didn’t listen to either my head or my heart.

I slipped the post-it note back into my pocket, jogging out of Elizabeth’s neighborhood, past the mint house with the children, past the restaurant that used to be a shack. I kept jogging. All on two legs.

Chapter Text

It was all too much.

I couldn't listen to any of them say anything else. The words Alice spoke came out distant. Fuzzy. Unreal. Eventually, I tuned them out completely, hearing only the shrill ringing that blared in my ears.

I couldn't be in their house for another minute.

Instinctively, I bolted out of the Cullen's living room. Edward, of course, immediately towed behind me. I think he was yelling, though I wasn't sure—I couldn't hear any of it.

I flung open their front door, attempting to slam it behind me to no avail as Edward followed.

Through blurred vision, I focused on the wooden steps as I stumbled down them.

Edward's muffled hysteria sounded like a mere buzzing now as I sank down on the last step in defeat. There was no use in running.

Feeling under pressure wasn't foreign to me; in fact, it felt as if it were my default setting. Time and time again, my life had been put in danger, and I often had to make decisions fast to save my life or those I loved.

But I felt pressured, unlike before. If I didn't choose to be with Edward, he was doomed to join the Volturi. It would be his new life forever. They would maybe spare my life to use him as a tool in their sadistic arsenal.

And I didn't know what to do.

Sitting on the step beside me, he attempted to pry my fingers from my face. He was speaking, and I'm sure he was saying something about Alice's visions being subjective or that everything would work out between us in the end. It was for the best that I couldn't hear him over my thoughts.

I'd always known the Volturi were going to come for me. In the past, it didn't scare me since there was a plan in place to change me. I felt so sure of changing, desperate, even.

But ever since the doubt crept in, I hadn't allowed the reality to fully sink in. They were going to kill me if I stayed human. They probably still will, even if Edward joins them. Alice said she no longer sees my future—that it's black.

I hated that I realized the truth. It would have been so much easier if I had remained ignorant. I could've been one of them, a Cullen. But my stomach lurched at the thought now.

It's funny how things change.

"Bella, Bella, please!" Edward yelled, finally cutting through my deafening thoughts.

Pulling my head out of my hands, I looked at him, hoping to fall back into that comfortable, ignorant bliss again. Instead, I felt the opposite.

The rain had stopped, and the blinding sun broke through the trees, reflecting off his face in a way I'd never seen before.

The rays distorted his features, making him look like a shattered mirror. Mesmerizing, bright facets deeply contrasted with the many pairs of his abysmal black eyes. It was a kaleidoscope effect, glitching with every unnatural blink.

It was clear as day now: the perfect mask of him was breaking down, along with the story of us.

"What is it, love?" When his lips moved, the illusion warped even more. He didn't look real.

Edward never looked human; there was always a stark difference between him and everybody else. He had never looked real, in an angelic way. Now, he looked more like the type of angel I had read about in the Bible—the ones with multiple faces, eyes, and wings.

"Bella!" The distorted angel screamed while its multiple sets of eyebrows furrowed in anger.

"Answer me!"

He was heavenly. He was hellish.

"Now!"

And I knew I needed to stay in between both, on Earth.

It wasn't my time.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shouted at the creature, tears spilling down my cheeks. "Let me THINK!"

Startled, he scooted backward on the step out of the shining sun. His face instantly retorted back to normal, and only a tiny glinting ray sprang off his porcelain cheek.

Just then, a loud rustle in the forest caused me to jump. Wiping the stupid tears from my eyes with the back of my hand, I slowly stood up, eyeing the area it came from.

A tall figure peered out from behind a large mossy tree. My heart stopped in my chest, and fight-or-flight mode activated.

Turn me now. The voice in thrall to Edward whispered. Turn me so I don't have to face whatever this is.

The figure stepped into the sunlight. I exhaled when I saw tanned, non-diamond-encrusted skin.

Edward angrily sighed beside me.

"Bella, let's go," Quil said, slightly out of breath. As usual, he wore no shirt, only dark jean shorts. The dark curls atop his head were matted. Was he hiding out in the bushes this whole time? Why wouldn't Edward say anything…?

"Quil? W-what are you-" I looked back and forth between him and Edward. Edward's face was blank, unsurprised.

"Come on." Quil extended out his hand but didn't take another step forward.

Despite my unstable legs, I crossed over to him. Realistically, I had no other way of leaving here unless I called Charlie—which would only reveal that I lied about being with Angela—and I didn't want to endure another car ride with Edward.

Quil guided me forward with his hand on the small of my back. I looked back at Edward, who stood on the step in the sunlight. His face was distorted again, though not nearly as dramatically. I could tell he desperately wanted to say something, to object, but I think he finally realized that he couldn't anymore.

—-

"So, are you going to tell me what you were doing there?" I asked, dodging a twig from smacking me in the face. My hands tightly clung around Quil's neck as he ran through the thick, muggy forest. He hadn't said a word since we left the Cullens.

"Didn't you technically go over treaty lines?" I peeked up at Quil's face. His brows pulled together as if I'd said something ridiculous.

"Screw the treaty lines."

He met my gaze for a millisecond and laughed in disbelief, running faster than before.

"What do you mean? Is it… broken? The treaty?"

"Not entirely, but it's practically hanging by a thread each and every day," he muttered, leaping over a bubbling stream in one stride.

I tucked my chin down, heat flushing to my cheeks. Was he saying it was my fault? That every time I saw the Cullens, I was one step closer to breaking the treaty and starting a war? I felt self-conscious about being rescued once again.

"I'm surprised he let you go so easy. He was furious when I first showed up. As if he had the right to be.”

"Wait, when you first showed up?"

"Guess I'm not surprised he didn't tell you I was there."

When Edward had left me alone in the living room with Alice, he'd heard something. Considering how annoyed he'd looked, it made sense that it was Quil.

"That brings me to my original question then, what were you doing there?" I asked.

Quil sighed, remaining focused on the towering trees ahead of us.

"That leech lost his mind, is what happened. He got way too close."

I craned my neck to scan his face, hoping to detect any sign of jest. But he was dead serious.

"Way too close to what?"

I patiently waited for him to answer after he hopped through a particularly challenging rocky obstacle.

When we were back on solid ground, he continued.

"Okay, um, let me start at the beginning, I guess. So you know how my grandfather wasn't home when you stayed over?"

I nodded slowly against his chest.

"Well, apparently, when you were in the shower, he came home and fought with my mom about letting you stay there. I know, I know. He can be…whatever, anyway, he decided to crash at Billy's instead."

Heat pricked at my cheeks. I knew I was a burden for staying there.

"Since there was a game that night, the old man drove out to that crappy little gas station food mart here in Forks, what's it called, uh—"

"Ron's?"

"Yeah, that's it. They're the only ones around that sell this specific beer—okay, not important. So he got his stuff and in the parking lot, Edward was there. By his car."

"What? What-"

"Hold on." Squinting, he scanned the area and slowed his speed.

I recognized the small pond in the center of the woods where a few blue dragonflies hovered. The giant downed hemlock that we passed was also familiar. I'd only been this far out when I wandered off after Edward had left me.

"You can put me down now. I can walk. My feet are fine."

Carefully, he set me down, and I stretched my legs to prevent any cramping.

"Okay, continue, please," I whispered unwillingly.

"Alright, so my grandfather had no idea what the leech was doing by his car, but he clearly didn't care enough because he ignored him at first. He threw his snacks in the car and got in, but it-Edward wouldn't let him close the door, just stared at him. He told me something like ‘the beast's eyes were hungry, and its face was covered with dirt.’"

I swallowed down a thick lump in my throat.

"At that point, he became afraid. Not really for himself—the man has not an ounce of fear in him—but for everyone in town. He thought the Cullens were finally going to destroy the tribe, then everyone else in Forks. So when leech asked him for our house number to speak with you, the old man laughed in his face." Quil cackled, shaking his head.

I couldn't speak through the pure embarrassment I felt.

"That must've pissed him off, 'cause he got in his face—ugh, Sam said the car still reeks—and growled at him. Telling him that his thoughts were vile. Guess he was thinking unfavorable things about you, which made him nuts. Went on about how our "shack" isn't even "suitable for you to sleep in." That I was "dangerous." But yeah, old man said he tried so hard to not think of the phone number out of spite. Obviously didn't work." He laughed again, but I could sense his annoyance. "I didn't find out about all this till later on, after patrol, when you had already gone home. Then the leech went to your place. He tried to shoo us off, warned us not to go through your window—as if any of us would that." He rolled his eyes. "But a fight almost broke out for sure. Told us all to be grateful he didn't "take us all out." Crazy stuff like that. We weren't sure what his angle was, if he was going to…do something to you, so we hung around."

Fury replaced the embarrassment.

I was fed up.

"When I showed up at their place earlier, he told me to get lost, to stay away from you. That you weren't allowed to stay at my home. As if he hadn't just terrorized my grandfather. I told him I wasn't leaving until I saw you were intact. He went pretty nuts on me, though; I saw those beast eyes like my grandpa was talking about. But, um, yeah. Sorry to lay that all on you, but I don't know how much you know."

I couldn't contain it.

I was done.

"My God, he's unbelievable! Completely ridiculous!" I threw my hands in the air. "In his mind, I'm only safe with him. You're right. It is ironic! I'm so tired of it. You know, he uses the werewolf excuse all the time, but it's anyone. He waits outside my house even if I have my human girlfriends over. I can't even exist!" I yelled, mostly all to myself, but when I remembered Quil was there, I calmed down, looked at him, and asked, "He… didn't hurt him or anything, did he?"

"No. Just hissed at him like a freak and made a dent in the car. If he hurt him, then the treaty would be over. Any more bullshit, and I'm beating his ass, just letting you know that now."

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say."

Quil sighed as he hopped over a large rock.

"You do realize that you are not responsible for a 100-year-old man-child vampire, right? Do you not get that we all pretty much see you as his… victim?"

I stopped in my tracks, my feet steadying in a bed of moss.

"I am not a victim."

Quil turned back at me, pursing his lips. Pity drenched within his features.

"Let's not get into that right now-"

"I'm not."

"Okay, okay. Come on," he said, waving his hand forward. I continued forward, arms crossed tightly to my chest.

The trailhead to Charlie's house was in view, and we were almost through the off-beaten path. The silence between us was filled with the chitters of birds and squirrels—the summer in Washington was much more active. But even the peaceful sounds of nature couldn't stop me from replaying the ridiculous scene between Edward and Old Quil in my head.

We walked the trail until the forest thinned and the back of my house was in view. The cameras installed on the siding by my window solidified my disgust.

Thankfully, Charlie's cruiser wasn't in the driveway. Quil certainly looked nothing like Angela, and he would not have been happy to see us coming from the woods.

"Here she is!" Quil exclaimed, jogging over to the broken-down Chevy on the lawn. It was depressing to look at, so I often pretended it wasn't there to begin with, but I couldn't help but smile seeing Quil so excited by it. At least someone liked my truck as much as me.

I leaned against the bed of my old trusty steed as Quil inspected it. More rust than usual flaked off when I wiped a couple of leaves off the orangey-red exterior.

"Is it really dead?"

"As far as I know."

He came around and plopped beside me, the whole truck shaking from his weight.

"I think we both know someone who could fix it." His voice broke a little, and I could see the pain in his eyes, which avoided mine. Still, a sweet smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

I didn't want to ask if they'd found him. There was no point. I knew they hadn't, and I didn't want to talk about him at all. So I said nothing because I had nothing to tell Quil that he didn't already know.

"Well, it's a good thing we're here," I said, pointing a thumb to the house. "I have your mother's sweater and shoes. Please tell her I wasn't planning on stealing from her…though tempting due to the coziness." I smiled, hoping to shake the stronghold his thoughts had on him.

This time, when he smiled, it met his eyes.

"Oh, trust me, I know. I steal her clothes all the time. Especially her robes, I practically live in those things."

"Jorts and mom robes. Ultimate fashionista over here."

"Listen, the jorts are utility, and the rest of my closet is fantastic. Honestly, I should probably help you with yours." He eyed me up and down, his smile stretching bigger.

"What is that supposed to mean?!"

"Hmm, maybe your outfits either consist of weird layers, plaid, muted-toned henleys, or stuff obviously chosen by old-ass vampires?"

Standing on my tippy toes, I nudged my elbow into his ribs.

"Am I wrong?!" He asked, breaking into hysterical laughter.

"Not one bit." I nudged again, lips pursed.

Then, Quil's laugh abruptly snuffed out. He squinted at the forest, confused. He heard something that I didn't.

"Bry?" He asked, stepping forward.

I followed his gaze to see Embry walking toward us at the edge of the forest. It was alarming how exhausted and upset he looked. He wore only black cut-offs; his chest and feet were bare. I turned around to make sure Charlie wasn't anywhere nearby. Embry was also very much not Angela.

"Bry, what're you doing?" Quil met Embry in the middle of the grass, who didn't even look at me.

"I followed your trail." Embry studied Quil, looking him up and down.

"Okay… why?"

"No one else is listening to me."

"About?"

"Jake."

My heart sank deep into my chest.

"What we're doing isn't working. We keep taking shifts, going around in circles. Every time I think I'm maybe getting close, Sam calls me to come back. We need to all go out on our own with no restrictions," Embry said, a slight bewilderment laced in his voice.

"And you spoke to Sam about this?"

"Yeah," Embry brushed a hand through his long, onyx hair. "He won't listen. He thinks it's best to work in these stupid shifts. Honestly, wanna know what I think? I think he's gonna give up soon. I really do."

Quil sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Will you stop?"

"No. No, I won't stop, Quil. Maybe the rest of you will stop, but I won't!"

Quil grabbed Embry by the shoulders and lightly shook him.

"What, you think you're the only one who cares about Jacob?! You think the rest of us aren't worried sick every day? Do you not hear us or something?"

"He could be dead-!"

"You think I haven't thought that?" Quil scoffed. "What am I even saying…of course, you don't know how I've been feeling about this. You ignore me. You block me out when we're phased! I mean, we don't even talk anymore!"

Embry rolled his sleep-deprived eyes. "Are you gonna come with me or not? Cause I'm going now."

"Where? Seriously, how is your plan going to be any better?"

"I'm going on foot. This way, I don't have to listen to Sam's bullshit orders constantly. Plus, Jake is in his human form since we can't hear him. The last time he ran off after the battle, we still heard him. He clearly didn't want that this time, so he's gotta be on foot somewhere. For some reason, Sam can't comprehend this. It's common sense!"

"You're just going to end up lost. The reason Sam has us doing shifts is so that the second Jake phases, whoever is on shift will hear him."

"But we haven't heard him at all; we're wasting time! One or two of us should be looking on foot."

"Well, I'm staying."

Tremors shook through Embry's hands, and his nostrils flared. I hesitantly stepped forward, unsure if I should intervene or not. He finally glared at me for a second, and I stumbled backward against the truck. His contempt hung thick in the air.

"Instead of looking for Jake, our brother, our best fucking friend, you're busy protecting her! The reason for all of this mess!"

His finger pointing at me felt like a dagger to the chest. But even though he was clearly delusional from lack of sleep, he was right. I was the reason Jacob left. Again.

Quil looked back at me, cringing, before turning back to Embry.

"Just leave. Okay? Seriously. Go."

"Yeah, fine. I don't know why I thought you'd listen, but I guess you're a coward like the rest. Keep running around protecting the enemy. I'll go find my fucking friend." Embry brushed hard against Quil's shoulder as he stalked past him. He didn't look at me at all when he stormed past me.

"You're so full of shit, Bry!" Quil called out, his flustered face now a deep shade of scarlet.

We both watched as Embry jogged down the street, disappearing around the bend.

“God, he’s a pain in the ass. I gotta go tell Sam what he’s planning.”

“Should we try and stop him?” I asked, hesitantly. I really didn’t want to confront him when he was so upset.

“Trust me, I know Bry better than anyone and he’s going home to sleep right now. It’s why he’s extra cranky,” Quil said, rolling his eyes.

I didn’t want to pry. Their argument felt more personal than anything.

“I’ll go get Joy’s stuff in a bag so you can tie it around your ankle or something for the way home. Does that work?”

“Yes, that’s great. Thanks. But hey, my mom really does want to see you again, so come by soon to pick up the, uh, dress.”

After Quil had left, I focused on doing some chores around the house before Charlie got back home. Deep cleaning kept my hands busy, not so much my mind.

A nagging uneasiness persisted as the hours passed by. I just felt so…alone. Like I didn’t know where to turn. The Cullens weren’t an option anymore. They’re even convinced that I’m one with the pack now, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Embry’s words hurt more than I thought they would. Old Quil’s disdain for me didn’t feel great either. I didn’t know where I belonged now. If anywhere.

One thing I did realize was that, despite what the rest of the pack thought of me, I had a friend in Quil. For some reason, he cared. I don’t know what I did to deserve that, but I was grateful for it nonetheless.

And of course, thoughts of Jacob eventually crept up on me. But I had to stop them in their tracks before they got too dark.

Chapter Text

It'd been a strange week, to say the least.

I decided against phasing and chose to kick it in my human form. This obviously required more maintenance, but I managed to get enough food and some normally fit clothes so I didn't look like a total jackass. Most nights, I slept on White Rock Beach till the security done and kicked me out. I forgot that this place wasn't La Push and actually had rules. It was short-lived but worth it—the sound of the ocean washing up on the shore had me passing out like a baby.

The strangest part of the week, though, was that I'd taken Elizabeth up on her offer of working on some of the local’s cars. Using the tools from her father's toolbox, I conveniently fixed their cars outside their homes. Some even came to Elizabeth's driveway, which was even easier.

This was how I could afford all the delicious seafood and the cheap but decently fitted t-shirts, shorts, and sneakers. I also got a backpack to keep everything in. Couldn't afford to splurge on a hotel, but it was more fun sleeping outside anyway, with the moon acting as my little nightlight.

Today, I woke up on a bench I barely fit on outside of Laura's Coffee Corner. Well, I didn't wake up on my own. The shop owner shook me—still nicer than the beach security guard with the baton—and told me I had to leave.

I sat up, yawning, my back audibly cracking from sleeping on the horrible metal thing. Pulling at the knots in my hair, I inspected the coffee shop, attempting to read the chalkboard menu inside. It smelled too good to pass up, plus I figured I'd repay them for hogging up their bench.

Next to the bench was a pay phone, the same one I ended up caving and calling Elizabeth on last week.

Rising to my feet, backpack slung over one shoulder, I hunched down in the booth. Fishing around in the back pocket of my shorts, I pulled out the purple Post-it note, slipped in some change, and dialed.

After only a few rings, she chirped on the other line as if she were waiting for my call.

"Morning!"

"Hey, g'morning. Got any new custies today?"

"Yes! At 2 P.M., he'll be coming to my driveway."

"Okay, cool, what time is it now?"

Elizabeth tittered. "You need a watch. Or to fix your phone already! It's 12. Are you still at the hotel?"

"Yeah," I lied.

"Okay, so I'll see you then?"

"Actually, I was thinking of hitting up this coffee spot. I'm starving. Wanna-"

"Yes! Which one? Is it Laura's?"

"How'd you know that?" I quickly looked around the sidewalk and street in every direction.

"It's my fave! I'll get ready now. I can walk there."

I exhaled. "Alright, see you soon. Bye."

Before stepping through the cafe's little glass doors, I caught my reflection. I wore a plain white T-shirt, dark green cargo shorts, and some knockoff Vans. Brushing the knots out of my hair didn't help since it still looked mostly ratty, but it was good enough. I looked presentable.

The woman behind the counter was the same one who woke my bum ass up, but I pretended not to notice and flashed her a smile as I ordered my food.

I pulled into a two-seat table in the far back corner of the place. The wooden chair was too small for me, and my knees ached as they pressed up against the bottom of the table. I didn't wait for Elizabeth, devouring my breakfast burritos in mere minutes. The coffee was fresh and hot as I dumped it down my gullet to wash everything down.

On the evil bench that ruined my back now sat a father and son, eating sandwiches. The son looked to be around my age. I wondered what it was they were talking and laughing about. I couldn't remember what a typical conversation was like between my father and me. Everything before my transformation felt like a faraway memory, like the happy-go-lucky teenager I used to be had evaporated into thin air. After that, I became a pain in the ass. We'd bicker too often. Hopefully, my dad was doing alright and wasn't too worried. But what did we talk about? Before it was all life or death, responsibility and heartache?

Surely, this father and son probably spoke about simple crap like the weather or the sandwiches they ate. Maybe a TV show they liked? Whatever it was, it looked effortless, easy.

"Hi!" Elizabeth sang, scaring the hell out of me. I hadn't even seen her walk in. Her waist-length brown hair was tied into a ponytail and draped over her pink, puffy blouse. Pink press-on nails dug into the sides of her pale jean skirt.

I awkwardly waved, sipping the nonexistent remnants from my coffee cup.

"One second, I'm going to go order." She spun around and skipped to the front counter.

When she returned, she held a chocolate croissant and a pink drink—the same shade pink as her nails and shirt—in her hand. I didn't even know they made colored drinks like this until I met her.

"How are you?" she asked, her cheek cradled in her palm, eyes not blinking.

Yeah, she was weird as hell. But I really had no place to say anything, considering I slept on the bench outside her favorite coffee shop last night. Oh, and the fact that I occasionally turned into an enormous dog.

"Yeah, I'm good. What's that drink you got now?"

"It's strawberry, açaí, and coconut milk. Wanna try?" She slid the drink over to me.

Oh, why not?

I hesitantly took a swig of it, cringing.

"You don't like it?"

Shaking my head, I gulped it down, hating the sickly sweet taste.

"Nasty."

"Here, take a bite."

"Nah, it's fine. That's yours."

She hovered the chocolate croissant in front of my face, shoving it closer and closer until it hit my lips. Unable to resist, I bit into it, tearing off the corner piece with my teeth. Elizabeth hadn't known me long, but she clearly knew that I couldn't turn down food.

She bit the part where I'd just bit and smiled. We swallowed at the same time.

"So, what am I fixing today?"

"A PT cruiser. I think he said there's something wrong with the suspension. It's my neighbor from down the block, Sam—he's very nice!"

Sam was a common name, so it was dumb that it stung to hear it.

"Should be an easy one then."

"Yay, maybe we can do something after then?"

Even though she was weird, she was kinda growing on me. Not in a crush way or anything like that, absolutely not, but it wasn't so bad hanging around someone who seemed so damn happy to see me. I didn't really get it, didn't understand her much at all. But it was a nice change.

"Sure, sure," I said, unable to deny her pleading eyes.

We finished at the cafe and spilled back onto the lively street. The sun was shining bright, making my skin feel even hotter, but for once, I actually didn't mind it. It kind of felt good.

The death bench had now collected a couple of whiney kids who hung like monkeys off their mom. Beside them, the payphone called to me again.

Like a bandaid.

"Hey, one sec. I gotta make a call," I called out to Elizabeth, who started to walk up the block. She stopped in her tracks and gave me a double thumbs-up.

Ducking down, I slipped the coins into the machine and dialed a number I knew by heart this time. But I was smart and added a *67 to keep the number blocked, just in case.

The ringing continued for longer than I'd expected, and right when I was about to hang up, a voice came through over the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dad. It's me."

"Jacob? Oh, Jesus. Jake."

Guilt ate me for dinner. Guess he was worried.

"Yeah, sorry I haven't called. I don't have my cell or anything."

On the other side of the line, Billy exhaled heavily, away from the speaker. I could sense his anger and relief.

"Jacob. Where the hell are you?!"

"Relax, I'm fine-"

"Fine! Goddamn you, boy! Where did you go?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew I fucked up.

"I'm…around. But I am fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to worry anyone. I thought after last time, you would've all figured I needed some time away again…"

"A warning would've been nice! And you aren't phasing, so no one can hear you! Now, don't tell me that wasn't on purpose!"

I paused, contemplating telling him the truth, but decided against it and settled for a half-truth.

"I didn't want to phase this time."

"Now that's a crock of shit. We both know you just didn't want to hear the pack."

Well, yeah, but they didn't know that I was a one-man show now. I didn't belong to a pack anymore; I didn't have anyone to answer to. And it was glorious.

"You try having voices in your head all damn day. Yeah, I wanted some quiet, is that a crime?"

"Tell that to your brothers who have been running around day and night losing sleep to look for your silly ass!"

Of course, I knew they were going to look for me; I specifically ensured that they wouldn't find me by covering up my tracks, etc. But reality hit, and I cringed at the visual of the guys running around, mouthing "fuck” to myself.

"Alright, alright. I get it. I'm an idiot. Is that news?"

He sighed, then went to mumbling nonsense to himself.

"You doing alright, though?" I asked, trying to calm him down.

"I'm fine. Now that I know you're not dead!"

"Good, good. Fully alive here."

"Are you gonna tell me where you are?"

"I barely know myself. It doesn't matter."

Silence.

In that silence, I sensed the elephant in the room, and I prayed he wouldn't mention it.

"Is that all you got to say then?" He asked.

"Pretty much."

"I'll call up Sam now…"

"Yeah, do that. I feel like a dick that they've been looking for me."

He groaned and went on mumbling again.

"Are you comin' home?"

I didn't have a home in Washington anymore.

"No."

He sighed in frustration.

"I'd better get going, old man."

"Hold on, there's something else you oughta know, son." I didn't like the sound of his voice. It hung over the line, hesitant and pained. With how pissed he was at me, the sudden switch to pity didn't match. A sick feeling simmered in my gut.

"No. No, I don't want to know."

"Jacob, listen, it's-"

"No. I can't-"

"It's Bella! She-"

"I just can't! Bye, Dad."

And I hung up the phone, feeling dizzy as I stepped back.

It didn't matter what he had to say. That life was behind me now. The only way I could move forward was to pretend that things were exactly how I left them.

——-

The PT Cruiser turned out to be more of a pain in the ass than I'd anticipated. It took a good 4 hours to fix since the whole suspension needed replacing, along with a few other minor things.

The owner, Sam, was a nice guy who chatted me up about his life as a delivery driver in the area. Hearing about his everyday life with his wife and kids grounded me in reality a little bit. It was nice to hear that a calm life was possible. No chaos, no war, no immortal enemies. Just chillin' in his beach house throwing packages at doors. Sounded pretty nice to me.

It got me thinking if that could be possible for me, too. Maybe someday.

"You're the man, Jacob! Thanks again!" Sam said, handing me a fat wad of cash. Great thing about White Rock? These people were loaded.

"'Course. Glad I could help you, man."

I flashed him a smile, shoving the money in my back pocket.

He hopped in the driver's door and rolled down the window.

"Listen, my wife's car has some issues too. She hasn't been using it much since she stays home with the baby, but I may as well get it fixed up. Do you have a phone number I could take?"

"Naw, my cell is busted, but you could reach out to her," I said, nodding to Elizabeth as she came from inside her house, holding a pitcher full of something.

"Got it, well, thank you again." He leaned his head out the window, lowering his voice as he spoke. "And hey, use that money to take Liz out somewhere nice, alright? Her family isn't…around much. She's a good girl, though. Sweet."

I nodded, taking a step back from the car as it roared to life.

"Bye, Sam!" Elizabeth called out from behind me, waving. He backed out of the driveway, leaving the two of us alone under the setting sun.

"He's a cool dude," I said, bending down to throw the tools back into the toolbox.

"I told you so! I've known him my whole life." She squatted down, helping place the tools in the box carefully.

"I think he gave me a nice tip too. Looked like way more than what I charged."

"So, does the money suck the fun out of it like you were afraid of? Or does it make it better?"

"Gotta say it makes it better. For now, anyway. Don't wanna burn out or nothing."

After slipping the remaining wrench into the box, I sealed the top and went to stand up until I saw Elizabeth staring at me.

"What?"

"N-nothing, it's just that…you have dirt all over your face."

"Grease."

She outstretched her hand and rubbed my cheek with her thumb. I froze.

"There. I got at least some of it. Would you want to use my shower again?"

"No, no. I'm fine. Thanks." A shower sounded nice, but it felt too weird using hers the other day, so I'd probably have to bathe in the ocean again like the filthy animal I was.

I speed-walked to the garage to place the toolbox on the floor next to her piece-of-shit-mobile.

"I made some lemonade. And some cookies."

I swear she knew how to lure me in with the snacks.

We sat at the chairs on the side of her house—the same ones from the first night I came here—and drank our glasses of lemonade.

"These are fucking delicious," I said, devouring my third cookie.

"Pre-packaged dough never fails." She nibbled on hers, smiling.

The sky turned deep purple and pink, and there were no clouds in sight. The air was still, warm, and peaceful.

"I just remembered something. Weren't you supposed to do a long drive this week? What happened with that?" I asked, taking another cookie off the plate balanced on her lap.

"Oh…yeah. It got canceled." Her eyes dropped to the cookies in her lap.

"That sucks. What was it?"

Tucking a hair behind her ear, she looked like she was about to cry.

"It-it's my dad. We were supposed to go on a road trip to America. But he, um, he never came back home."

"Oh. Well, where is he?"

"I don't know. He never tells me. Sometimes, he leaves for months at a time."

My first thought was that her dad was an asshole. Who just up and leaves their family like that with no warning? Then I sank deeper into the little plastic chair, feeling like a fool.

"Sorry. That's not cool. Do you not have anyone else around?"

"My mom passed when I was a little girl, and my brother and sister moved away. They visit sometimes. I love it here too much to leave, though. And it's nice having the house to myself a lot, but it can be lonely. My last boyfriend lived here for a few months, but that's about it." She nervously played with her fingers.

Is that what this was? She was just…lonely?

"Hey, I mean, I feel you. My mom passed when I was a kid, too, and my sisters moved away as well."

"Really?" She looked up at me with her wet brown eyes. I averted my gaze.

"Yeah. But, hey, you seem like you're doing good on your own. Give yourself some credit."

"That means a lot, Jacob. Thank you. And thank you for hanging out with me. I-I could tell…that there's something more. Something that bothers you a lot. I hope you'll be able to talk to me about it."

On that note, I stood up out of the chair, cracking my back with a deep stretch.

"I've gotta get going." It was true; I needed to find a more comfortable bench to sleep on tonight.

"Already?" Placing the empty plate onto the ground, she stood and crossed over to me.

"I've been here for hours. I'm pretty beat after that job."

"Exactly, so just relax. It feels like you're always in a rush. It's not even 7."

I groaned.

"Hey," she said, pulling at my arm. Her brown eyes sparkled with need, and it physically hurt to look into them.

She trailed her fingers down my forearm to meet my hand, which she then grasped, pulling me even closer to her.

"Just…stay," she whispered.

I almost ran for the hills—my heart screamed at me to. But my brain lowered the walls that I'd built up so high.

The grief was fresh, searing. Raw as fuck. I knew it would never go away. It would always come back like a vicious, recurrent cancer, destroying everything in its path. The pain may even worsen with time, in a way. It was like that with my mom. The more years that passed, the more painful it became knowing I wouldn't have a mother again, and with every passing year, I got further away from knowing her at all.

This probably wouldn't be much different. It would always drown me, so what was the point of waiting to move on?

Elizabeth wrapped her arm around my waist and guided me back to the side of the house.

I leaned against it, lowering myself to her height. She pulled herself closer to me, and her nervous heartbeat was deafening.

I closed my eyes, listening to its unsteadiness.

It infuriated me that my knee-jerk reaction was to compare the sound of her heartbeat with another one that I knew all too well. One that I tried so hard to keep going for so long. One that I prayed to a God I didn't believe in to keep beating every night. One that was doomed to fail, flatline.

It felt so fucking wrong to be touching someone other than her. It also felt so fucking stupid to think that. This girl wanted me. And maybe she was just bored or lonely or something in between, but at least it was something.

"Is this okay?" Elizabeth asked, grabbing my hand again.

I didn't care whether she held it or not. It made no difference to me, but I had to start somewhere.

"Yep."

I opened my eyes to see her even closer to me, which startled me. The sky fell darker, making it harder to see her features. In a way, I was grateful for that.

Not that Elizabeth wasn't pretty or anything, because she obviously was—anyone with eyes could see that. But if I was going to do this, I didn't want to look at her. Pretty or not, she wasn't her.

In order to muster up some courage, I thought of what the pack would be saying in my head if I could hear them.

"It's time to move on, Jacob," Sam said.

"Sam's right. You gotta start somewhere," said Quil.

"You got this in the bag, Jake," said Embry.

"What are you waiting for, idiot? Are you gay? Kiss her," Paul said.

"Women love tall men, that's probably why she's up your ass!" Jared said.

"The leechlover didn't want you, remember? She went against everything you are, so grow a backbone already. Plus, she'll be dead soon if she's not already. May as well start the healing process now so we don't have to deal with your pathetic moping," said Leah.

"Jeez, Leah, be quiet. But yeah, go for it, Jake. You deserve happiness," Seth said.

Like a bandaid.

I wrapped my arm around Elizabeth's waist and pulled her flush to me. She gasped, an inkling of confusion pulling up her eyebrows.

Like a bandaid.

She leaned in, looking at my lips. Clear desire swam through her eyes. It was fucking weird to see someone I had only known for a week seem so interested in me. Honestly, it depressed the hell out of me.

"C-can I kiss you?"

Fuck it.

Like a bandaid.

I craned my neck down and gave her what she wanted. My lips crushed onto hers.

It didn't feel like desire, or lust, or love, or even pity.

It felt obligatory.

For a moment, it felt like I wasn't actually there, as if I was far away outside my body. Her kiss was determined, even though our lips were two repelling sets of magnets. I tried to deepen the kiss, to give her more, to hopefully make myself feel something.

Nothing.

She grabbed handfuls of my hair, pulling me closer. A small hand lingered up my thigh.

Irrational thoughts flung into my brain like darts.

You never truly loved her.

You’re failing her.

The thoughts didn't make me want to stop; they actually made me want to continue. Kissing her felt like an act of rebellion. Like a fuck you to the world.

Bella would never take you back now.

But I never had her.

She'd be heartbroken.

No, she wouldn't be. She made that very clear.

She's waiting for you.

Shut the fuck up.

She's going to hate you!

What a relief!

I grabbed Elizabeth and kissed her harder, thinking of all the times I had to watch Bella Swan kiss Edward Cullen. All the nights I'd spent tossing and turning with the fucked up image in my mind. All the times I could smell him on her skin. Rage bubbled inside me, tremors tearing through me.

I kissed her harder, still feeling nothing.

I forgot what it was supposed to feel like.

Until I remembered the way Bella had kissed me.

The way her lips tasted, her hesitancy, her strawberry scent consuming me.

The curves of her body, the way her heart hammered in her chest.

And I will never forget the look on her face when she pulled away.

It had looked like a switch flipped inside her brain. The gaze from her wide, chocolate-brown eyes burned through my body. The desire, the truth, was palpable. Bella had always seen me, known me. But right then, we became one. It scared the fuck out of her because something had awoken inside of her that day. I was so close, so fucking goddamn close.

It just wasn't enough.

I wasn't.

Elizabeth trailed her fingers under my shirt and scratched at my lower back.

I hate to admit it, but that was when I started to imagine Elizabeth was Bella. Though, I had to ignore the sickly sweet perfume scent, the too-rough hands, and the heavy breath that wasn't Bella's.

Fucked up, I know. But it's not like there was much left of me anyway. I had given everything away: my heart, my brain, my sanity, my home, my life, my pack.

There was no getting any of it back unless I dug through her grave, her casket, through the cavity of her chest.

I imagined that this was a continuation of our life after the kiss on the mountain, that things were normal between us, that we spent the day on the beach, drinking warm sodas while the summer breeze soothed our fractured souls. I imagined a life where she chose me, needed me, and loved me, where I was finally enough.

When Elizabeth pulled back, eyes eager and sparkling, I felt sick to my stomach to see her face.

Guilt, shame, and grief all piled upon me at once until it crushed me to pieces.

"Do you want to go inside? No one's here…," she whispered breathlessly.

She didn't wait for me to answer. Instead, she took my hand and dragged me through the doors of her unfamiliar, vacant house.

I didn't know if she heard me puking my guts up in the bathroom or not. Or if she noticed the blood vessels that burst in my eyes before they'd healed.

What I did know was that I'd never felt more empty.

But maybe this was the start of finally getting over the love of my life, who was most definitely dead by now.

Chapter Text

At long last, you brought the changing of seasons

You are the summer that drove out the cold

You're the summer

Your shining light will lead me steadfastly into winter's cold veins

Your warmth gives me refuge from the frigid air biting my neck

I drown in your radiance

I drown in your radiance

Long since I've felt whole

Long since I've been safe

I feel both in our silence

The days were bleeding into each other—so much so that I was surprised to see on the kitchen calendar that it was the end of August already.

Soon, the warmth would trickle away, and the frigid, rainy days would take over. The sky would hide the sun behind its oppressive overcast, and the winter chill would settle in my bones.

I'd grown to appreciate certain things about Forks, like the way the rain made the plants flourish and how the forest was always abuzz, but I could never get used to the bitter cold or the near-constant rainfall. I must've inherited the seasonal affective disorder from my mother.

I thrived in the heat—this was something I knew very young. It was why I avoided it here when I was younger and had Charlie vacation with me in California instead. The sun made me feel normal. Like I was alive. Meanwhile, the cold made me feel trapped and isolated.

Summer was coming to an end, and it felt symbolic in many ways.

In the past couple of weeks, things have felt calm. Suspiciously calm. Edward had actually left me alone as I requested, and none of the Cullens had reached out to me at all. No new rogue vampires were trying to kill me (that I was aware of), and according to Quil, the only person I hung out with now, there wasn't any new drama with the wolfpack.

Aside from the typical horrific nightmares, aching void in my chest, guilt, utter confusion, and feeling of impending doom, I felt…okay.

Another thing aside from the dreary weather I wasn't looking forward to was having to go back to work. Alice or Edward—I wasn't sure whose idea it was exactly—had quit for me at Newton's before the wedding. Initially, I planned to take 2-3 weeks off for the honeymoon, but I suppose it made more sense to quit, considering the very real possibility that I would've never made it back to Forks alive or as myself.

I cringed the whole time when I'd called Mike about getting my job back, especially after he'd witnessed me run at the altar like a coward. But I needed some money now that I wasn't attending college this year.

Mentally, I couldn't imagine college at this time. Also, it was obvious for anyone to see that I didn't get into Dartmouth on my own. Edward had pulled some strings and likely even paid for my full ride. There was no way I could go under those circumstances—I didn't want to take the spot away from someone else.

When I do eventually go to college, if ever, it'll be a school of my choosing, one that I earned to get into.

Right now, though, I knew not to plan too far ahead.

After locking up the house, I idled in the driveway to soak up the sunshine, taking in every last bit of the summer before it faded away in the upcoming weeks. Begrudgingly, I dragged my feet to the hideous Mercedes' and climbed into its cold, pristine leather driver's seat with a deep sigh.

—-

"One second!" Joy called out from inside her home. My knock on the front door was so weak I was surprised she even heard it.

I didn't want to show up at the Ateara's house out of the blue, knowing that Old Quil wasn't my biggest fan. Of course, he had every right to be wary of me, especially now after his encounter with Edward. Thankfully, his car was not parked in the driveway today. But Quil had been asking me to come over, and I figured it was time to finally pick up the wedding dress that had been lingering in the back of my mind.

"Bella! I've been wanting to see your gorgeous face! Come in, sweetie." Joy ushered me through the doorway and into her quaint living room. "Sit, sit. Quil's upstairs in the shower. Hold on."

She shuffled out of the room as I lowered myself onto the couch, fidgeting with my fingers.

The Ateara home was instantly cozy. There was something about the photos covering its walls, the aged paint job, the comforting clutter, the sweet scent of something freshly baked that made me feel safe. I felt similarly in Angela's home, but the Ateara home felt more honest. Here, I didn't have to hide or pretend to live in a reality where the supernatural didn't exist.

Maybe it was validation that I wasn't insane.

Joy's steps were unsure when she slowed back into the room. She held a folded-up black garbage bag with one of my sapphire hair combs on top.

"I'm sorry that I haven't come by sooner to pick this up…"

"Shhh. I understand," she said, placing the bag in my outstretched arms.

Feeling the weight of it, a flicker of dread lingered in my chest for a moment. What was I going to do with it? Hang it up in my closet? Throw it out in the trash? Neither felt exactly right.

Joy sat down at the further end of the couch to face me, the same way she had the last time I was here. She wore a turquoise peplum blouse and dark jeans; her feet were in the same moccasins she lent me.

"There were two of these. Did you happen to see the other one?" I asked, inspecting the floral design on the teeth of the hair comb.

"No, sweetie, there was only one."

I frowned.

"It must've fallen out in the forest. They were a gift from my parents."

The sapphire cast a glittering reflection upon the olive-green walls.

Nobility, truth, and the ability to make wise and good choices.

"That's a lovely gift from them, indeed. We could make Quil scout around for the lost one," she said conspiratorially. Joy's crinkling smile was contagious; I mirrored it despite my slight sadness.

"That's not a bad idea." The sweet smell in the air couldn't be ignored any longer. "Did you bake something?"

Her smile didn't waver.

"Well, I am a mother of a growing wolf, so, yes."

"What is it? It smells amazing."

"Homemade cinnamon rolls. Would you like one?"

"No, no, it's okay; save them for your growing wolf." I laughed, gesturing upstairs to wherever Quil must've been.

Joy swatted her hand as if what I said was ridiculous, rose to her feet, and whirled her way to the kitchen.

The plate of oversized cinnamon rolls she brought back looked incredible. She handed me a napkin and lowered the plate so I could take one. I picked up the smallest one from the batch, yet the amount of icing dolloped on top still made it look big.

Placing the plate on the table, she took one herself and sat back on the couch.

"Speaking of your parents, is your mother still here?"

"Oh, no. She left the day after, I think," I said, tasting the vanilla icing.

"You didn't speak with her?"

"Um, I did, very briefly. We spoke afterwards a few times but her schedule is all over the place. I typically wait for her to call me."

Joy took a bite from the cinnamon roll, wiping the icing off her lips. After she swallowed, she spoke.

"Did she have to go back to work?"

"No, she's a teacher; school starts on the 1st, I believe."

"Oh, I see," she said, semi-perplexed. Her brows furrowed as if contemplating something, but I couldn't imagine what I'd said was so confusing.

"Why do you ask?"

"I, well, to be frank, I'm trying to imagine myself in her situation."

I sunk a little in shame.

"Yes, I know; I mean, I felt horrible that she had to fly out for nothing, essentially. She seemed excited." Renee's beaming face when she'd seen me in the dress lit up in my mind.

"No, no, that's not what I meant. I meant I'm trying to imagine myself leaving my child after they'd gone through something like that. And I can't."

I paused mid-chew, still not quite grasping what she was getting at.

"Of course," she continued, "she did not know the truth about… the groom, right? "

I nodded slowly.

"Regardless of that, you were very, very upset. I am also surprised she didn't go after you to make sure you would be okay."

I swallowed the sweet, doughy bread before I answered.

"Well, my mother knows I work through things on my own; she probably figured I wanted to be alone. I also wouldn't want her to deal with it, so I'm glad she didn't run after me or stay. I would have told her to go home anyway."

"But that's what mothers do, honey. Deal with it all, no matter what it is."

The staircase began to jostle as heavy feet staggered down them.

"Cinnamon rolls?!" Quil called out, running down the stairs into the living room. His black curls were dripping wet, soaking onto the collar of the lavender robe he wore.

"Hey, Bella," he said, unphased to see me. It must not have been my weak knock that notified Joy I arrived, but instead, it was Quil's supersonic hearing.

I waved.

He grabbed the biggest roll off the plate and immediately bit into it, leaving a mess of icing all over his face.

"Finally, you came. Now she can stop bugging me," he said, leisurely trailing into the kitchen.

"Don't even think about it, Quil. Get back here," Joy called out, hovering above the couch and peering around the kitchen.

"I'm getting a napkin!"

"You don't use napkins."

From the kitchen, a door squeaked, followed by a rustling of plastic.

Joy gave up and lowered back into her seat, massaging her temples with one hand.

Quil came back into the room grinning mischievously, and I didn't understand why until I saw the giant chunk of…meat on top of his cinnamon roll.

"W-what is that?" I asked, squinting.

Quil took another large bite.

"Needed something salty with it."

"Joy?" I asked, deeply concerned.

She dropped her hand from her face and looked at her son in disgust.

"Don't ask me, sweetie. I didn't raise him to be like this."

"You guys are so dramatic! It's jerky. Basically, the same thing as bacon, which people, including you mom, love to eat with sweets."

He shoveled the rest in his mouth, swallowing with an audible gulp.

"And he has to wear my robes too; look, is that a stain already?!" Joy said, pointing a finger to the side of the robe.

"No! That was already there."

Joy rolled her eyes, shaking her head.

"See what I have to deal with every day, Bella?"

Quil and I made eye contact, which caused us both to burst out laughing.

"Now, go get dressed; we have guests!"

"But it's just Bella."

"I don't care. Upstairs, now!"

Quil lept upstairs with a few graceful strides that otherwise would've been very clumsy if he weren't a shapeshifter.

There was a brief silence as I finished the last few bites of the cinnamon roll.

Joy turned back to me, and I saw she turned serious again.

"How are you doing, Bella?"

For a reason I couldn't pinpoint, the question made me want to burst into tears. But I kept my composure and crossed my arms tightly against my chest.

"I'm okay. How are you?"

"I am good," she laughed dryly. "I think we both know why I'm asking you."

I looked down in my lap as I replayed the panic attack I had in her shower. Heat flooded my face.

"I'm better. Really," I squeaked.

"Have you been speaking to anyone else besides my son?"

"Um, no. Not really."

"Why not?"

"Because…who else? And I don't need to."

"You know, you don't always have to be so strong."

Again, I wanted to cry.

"I'm not sure strong is the right word to use. You saw that firsthand."

She looked at me in disbelief.

"Bella. Emotions aren't weakness; emotions are human. Quit being embarrassed by them. And what I saw was a young girl who held too much in, who hasn't let herself feel for a long time, and now it's flooding out of her."

I stared at the stairs, hoping for Quil to cut the conversation short.

"Uncross your arms, relax. For once, just relax. No one expects anything of you here. You can just be."

Her words were simple, but they hit me like a truck. I let my arms fall to my sides, but I still couldn't look at her.

"Talking through it is what's going to help you. Look at me, honey."

Unwillingly, I did, but Joy smiled warmly, making me feel safe. Her dark brown eyes were sincere, not filled with pity but with care.

"I'm here for you. We all are on the rez. I know not everyone will be friendly towards you, but they will come around." She shifted her position, crossing one leg over the other.

"They hate me. Old Quil, Embry, I'm sure the rest of the pack. Billy…Jake." I twitched.

"No one hates you. If the pack hated you or saw you as a threat, they certainly wouldn't continue to protect you. They may be frustrated, and they may not understand, but it isn't hate. Quil's grandfather is a tough one to crack. He's a grumpy old man who likes a select few people. Don't worry about him."

"Still, I feel awful that Edward did that to him. And somewhat responsible," I whispered.

"You aren't. The Cullens should know better. No one here blames you for that."

I looked at the small clicking clock on the wall that read 1:24 PM, reminding me I'd better get home before I wasted too much of Joy's time.

"And Jacob certainly doesn't hate you."

What cut our conversation short was not excusing myself from being uncomfortable, but it was a thunderous, deep howl that reverberated throughout the living room.

Both of us sprung up off the couch as a fully dressed Quil came back down the stairs, looking concerned.

"Is that Sam?" I asked.

"Yeah. It sounds like he's close, probably at Emily's. Whatever it is, it's important."

Dark possibilities swam through my mind, but I didn't allow them to stick. I couldn't afford to think anything bad, even though I always had to brace myself for the worst.

"Come on, let's go." He turned the knob of the front door.

"I, are you sure?"

"Yes. It might pertain to you."

"But they may not want-"

"Come on," he repeated, impatiently motioning his hand to the door.

I hesitantly collected the black bag and hair comb from off the couch, sheepishly waving to Joy with my free hand.

"Bye, Joy."

"Bye, hon. Come by again whenever you want."

Quil and I stumbled out through the rickety front door onto the dirt path to the street.

"Let's drive; it'll be quicker," I said nodding to the parked Mercedes.

"Okay, yeah."

When we pulled up to Emily's house, Embry and Paul were about to walk through her door until they saw us. Embry stopped in his tracks, jaw clenched.

Paul, of all people, tried to calm him down. I was happy that I was unable to hear their conversation.

"I'll wait in the car," I said after I parked and turned the engine off.

"No, ignore him. Please don't tell me you're actually afraid of Embry."

I said nothing and unlocked the doors.

"Last week, you told me your ex used to grease your windows when he would sneak into your room after knowing you for like a week. And I guess all those near-death experiences are nothing compared to Bry, who woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

It was weird to hear Edward be referred to that. It sounded like such a normal human term to use. But was that all he was to me now? After everything? An ex?

Paul went into the house, shaking his head while Embry stayed put, arms crossed.

"It's not that I'm afraid of him; I just don't want to step on any toes. I don't need to go in, just tell me what's going on after."

"I don't want to be the one to-." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Bella, just come on."

But I still didn't move, feeling Embry's glare through the thick glass of the windshield.

"Like I said, this likely involves you or…you know who."

"Fine." I sighed as I exited the car, staring at my feet as we walked across the lot to Emily's front steps.

"What is she doing here, Quil? Are you for real?"

"Bry, give it a rest." Quil pushed past him as if he were an annoying barking dog. I towed closely behind him, unable to make eye contact with Embry as we went through the front door.

Inside, the rest of the pack was splayed about in Emily's warm living room and kitchen. The air felt thick as all eyes landed on me, conversations stopping.

"She was at my house, my mom had some things to give her. I figured this might pertain to her, so," Quil said, mostly to Sam, whose eyes were tight and unreadable.

For a second, I was relieved when Sam nodded until I realized that meant it likely did pertain to me.

As Sam was about to speak, Leah popped off the couch, glaring at me, Sam, then Quil.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Pertains to her? I think you meant to say caused by her. Did you forget that almost every bad thing that happens around here just so happens to be because of her?"

Embry stepped out from behind us and went over to Sam. "She needs to leave."

"Bro, who cares at this point," Paul groaned, rubbing a hand down his face.

"Yeah, it's not like she's not clued in. Besides, seems like she left those leeches in the dust," said Jared, who sat at the kitchen table with Paul and Seth.

"Hi, Bella!" waved Seth, to which I awkwardly returned.

All eyes stayed on me and I wondered why on Earth Quil was doing this to me.

"Now that she "changed her mind" about them, we should just accept her with open arms? Just a few weeks ago, they were going to break the treaty and turn her. She wanted that. Are you all that stupid?"

Everyone began to respond and speak over each other until I stepped forward, clearing my throat. I looked up from the floor and into each of their eyes for a few seconds as I spoke.

"Leah's…not wrong. I've made a mess of things, time and time again. I mean, it's embarrassing how much I've screwed up, really. I'm truly sorry for how many times you've been dragged into anything to do with me. You guys have every reason to dislike me, but I will always be grateful for all the times you saved my life. Again, I'm sorry."

Emily stepped out from behind the kitchen, her beautiful scarred face was calm and collected. "Thank you, Bella."

"It's our job, don't apologize!" Seth called out.

"Oh, give me a fucking BREAK-," Leah spat.

"Enough, Leah!" Sam commanded. "We don't have time for this. Ignore that Bella is here and listen."

Leah stepped away, her face dripping with disgust, and slunk back onto the couch.

"Are you all done now?"

Silence.

"Good." He stood next to Emily, who looked at me apologetically. "I spoke with Billy. Jacob called."

The relief nearly knocked me to my knees, and I gripped Quil's arm to steady myself. My heart hammered rapidly in my chest.

He was alive.

I hadn't allowed myself to honestly believe he wasn't. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to function. But hearing confirmation that he was alive felt like a million-pound weight lifted off my chest.

"He didn't say where he was and called on a blocked number. We haven't been able to hear him because he's been in his human form. He doesn't want us to look for him and says he isn't coming back home."

"That goddamn idiot! He couldn't have called sooner?" Jared belted out.

"Jesus Christ," muttered Embry, who walked past us, deflated. The front door slammed behind him.

"You guys are surprised?" Paul said.

"Thank god he's okay!" Seth said.

Leah only scoffed.

Beside me, Quil heavily sighed.

And I felt the room spin.

He was alive.

Knowing for certain made my body react in a way I didn't expect.

I started hyperventilating. All the built-up worry I carried inside me poured out with every gasping breath.

"Bella, what-" Quil tried to ask.

"I-I'm sorry, I need to go outside." After stabilizing myself as best as possible, I bolted outside, welcoming the fresh air in my lungs.

Sitting on the front steps, I tried to calm my breathing.

Joy was right. So much had been stored inside me, so much anxiety and dread that it practically gushed out of me now. Completely out of my control, tears flowed along with the heaving breaths.

He was safe.

The door behind me opened and closed. Quil sat down next to me, rubbing my back.

"This is great news, Bella, why're you crying?"

I felt my body shake as I bawled in my sweaty palms, feeling so much heaviness lift off of me.

He was okay.

"N-no, I know. I-I'm so relieved. So, so relieved."

"Me too. Me too. But God, is he an asshole."

We both laughed.

I sat with Quil by my side for a few minutes, grateful that no one else came out after him.

"What kind of car is that?"

It was Embry who spoke. I jumped, quickly turning around to see him leaning against the house, eyeing the Mercedes.

I sat upright, composing myself.

"It's a, uh, Mercedes Guardian." I tried to sound like I wasn't just crying, which was useless.

"Weird. Never seen one before."

He hopped down the steps and walked across the dirt lot to get a closer look at it. Quil rose up off the step to follow him.

"Hey," Quil said, but I could barely hear it from the low tone of his voice and the distance now between us.

Embry looked at him with an intensity I couldn't quite pin. For a second, I questioned if the pack was able to communicate telepathically in human form, even though I knew that wasn't the case.

"What?"

"You'll relax now? You gonna stop thinking of running off?" Quil asked, and Embry groaned, trying to back away, but Quil caught his arm.

"You need to sleep, have you seen your face?"

Embry looked better than the last time I saw him a couple of weeks ago, but he still looked exhausted and unnaturally pale.

"I haven't had time."

"Okay, well, now you do."

"Whatever," he shrugged, looking down at Quil's hand still wrapped around his bicep.

"You know you can talk to me, right? I'm right here."

"Are you?"

"God, Bry, can you stop?"

Embry muttered something I couldn't hear.

Quil matched his volume, and I could only hear snippets of their conversation.

"…hanging around her like she didn't…"

“…Jake would want…” Quil said.

“…traitor…”

"…maybe if you spoke to her like she wasn't some…"

I gave up trying to make out what they were saying, knowing that the conversation likely would've upset me anyway.

Beside me, on Emily's porch, was a large pot of gorgeous red and yellow dahlias. The petals were so vibrant and striking I found myself sucked into their unique patterns. I remembered that dahlias were my favorite, something I hadn't thought about for a while.

When I worked at the plant nursery a few summers ago back home in Phoenix, I often got lost in the flowers, especially the dahlias. As silly as it may sound, I remember being amazed that each plant required different maintenance. Some were more fragile than others, some would die even if you did everything right. But regardless, the flower was always worth trying to save.

When they did die, I'd appreciate them more. I became better and better at my job, cautiously tending to the new ones, ensuring they had the best chance at surviving and thriving. It was always gratifying stepping into the nursery and seeing flourishing, bright petals and leaves everywhere.

I gently brushed my fingers through the dahlia leaves, leaning down to inhale their fresh scent.

"Are you okay, Bry?" Quil's voice was back to a normal volume, and I could hear him again.

Pulling away from the flowers, I observed Embry's face, curious if the question had the same strange effect it had on me when Quil's mother asked me before.

To my surprise, it softened him. His posture relaxed, his face less irritated.

He nodded, keeping his eyes closed. Quil slowly raised his hand to move a stray hair from Embry's face. If I looked away for a second, I would have missed how his fingers lingered for just a little too long, the way they hovered over Embry's face.

But when he opened his eyes, Quil shoved his hand into his pocket before he could see.

Now, what was that?

"I'd better get some sleep. Now that I can."

"Yeah, yeah, go do that." Quil stepped away, rubbing the back of his neck. Embry didn't seem to notice his flustered expression.

"See ya," Embry said, and before he took off, we made eye contact for a few seconds—his eyes were blank and dark.

After he left, I unlocked the car and silently walked over to it with Quil. I didn't mention their conversation or the tension between them on the car ride.

—

Later that night, I felt an itching paranoia. This wasn't unusual, as I've constantly felt like I was being watched because oftentimes I was. It wouldn't go away.

No one was in my closet, my bathroom, or under my bed. I even checked on Charlie in his room just to make sure nothing or no one was lurking.

When I lay in bed, I couldn't sleep.

Then, I remembered.

The stupid security cameras.

I never thought the baseball bat that Charlie stuck under my bed would ever be useful, but I suppose now was the time to use it.

Opening my squeaky window, I stuck my head out to gauge whether or not it was worth trying. Grabbing the handle of the bat, I slowly inched it through the window until the end hit the lens of the camera. Leaning myself slightly further out, my armpits digging into the sill, I swung the bat against the body of it. With a few hard hits, it became loose at the base, merely dangling by red wires.

I continued to hit them until, eventually, both cameras clattered to the ground, completely smashed.

Breathless, I dropped the bat on the floor of my room, but it didn't sound against the wood since it landed on top of the bagged-up wedding dress that I had haphazardly tossed.

Resting my cheek against the open window, I let the cool, almost-autumn air hit my face. The brilliant moon hung low and massive in the sky, resting just before the trees. There was a comfort in knowing that it could unite people; we could all witness it at the same time. We could see that its beauty didn't belong to us, that we were lucky to see it at all.

It instantly grounded me in my small room. I felt insignificant, but not in a negative way, more so in a way that there were things so much bigger than me, there was so much more out there. So much I haven't yet seen.

Was Jake looking at the moon tonight, too? Did it look the same to him, wherever he was? Was it as vast and bright? Did it bring him the same sense of comfort?

Was he actually okay?

Of course, I wanted to know where he was, but I think all I truly cared about was that he was out there, somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe the moon was what would connect us from now on. I could be okay with that.

If where he was made him happy, then I was happy too. He deserved it. He deserved to be far away from the mess that has become life in Washington. From the mess that has become…me.

When I crawled into bed, I fell asleep quickly. For the first night in a while, I didn't have any nightmares.

Instead, I dreamt of dahlia flowers and Phoenix's open skies and enormous cinnamon rolls and the luminous moon and Jacob's sunny smile.

Chapter Text

I wasn't physically able to get drunk, but I think this was the closest thing to what having a hangover felt like.

Regretful, headache, extremely thirsty, disorientated, anxious.

I felt fucking gross. For multiple reasons.

No, I didn't sleep with Elizabeth, or kiss her again, or even look at her much at all.

Last night, after the kiss, she put on a movie in her room, but instead of watching it with her, I was in the bathroom puking up all the expensive crab legs I had eaten the day prior. It was nasty; it came up in whole pieces, which was my new reminder to chew my damn food.

I told her I wasn't feeling too hot and stayed in a separate room in case I was contagious. Honestly, it wasn't a lie. Misery was a contagious thing, and I didn't want to subject her to that.

I slept on the hardwood floor in the extremely hot spare bedroom with the door locked.

Why not sleep in the bed, Jacob? Cause that would be weird. Plus, I might be a masochist who loves re-tweaking my back. However, sleep might be the wrong word since I did not do any of that. Instead, I stared at the white popcorn ceiling for 8 hours straight. Thinking. And nothing good ever came from that.

I thought about how dumb it was that I had these healing abilities that only worked on physical ailments. I tried to will it into reality that it could also heal my dumb, mangled heart. Clearly didn't work cause now, according to the digital clock on the nightstand, it was 7 AM. Not a lick of peaceful rest. Just straight-up guilt-infested thoughts shouting at me for hours on end.

My stomach rumbled so loud that I was afraid Elizabeth was able to hear it from down the hall. Knowing her, she'd probably hear it and start making pancakes without asking.

I had to get out of here before that happened.

I grabbed my backpack and ducked out under the bedroom door, listening for any movement from within the house. I heard nothing, so I tip-toed down the stairs, channeling my inner mouse. When you're 6'7, 260-something pounds, trying to sneak out of a creaky ass house was a challenge. With every step, I winced.

She wasn't downstairs or in the kitchen, so she must've still been asleep in her room. I didn't have a key to her house to lock up, which was fine cause Elizabeth never locked it, to begin with—we were in super safe suburban hell, after all.

Since no custies were scheduled for the day, I was free to leave. So I did exactly that.

—

It was about an hour walk from Liz's to Sunnyside Forest Park in Surrey. I tried to blend in with the other couple of hikers walking the entrance path, though I don't know why. It wasn't like they were suspicious that I was about to morph into a giant wolf. I was just a dude. Just like them. Takin' a stroll. Nothing to see here.

I started on a hiking trail that no one else decided to venture on and made my way through the forest. For a forest located in the middle of a city, it sure didn't feel like it. It was an expansive area; the moss strewn everywhere, and the only sounds were those of my steps and the birds flying overhead in the trees.

When I was deep enough, and the coast was clear of any hikers, I stalked off the trail through thick shrubs. In between the tallest shrub, I stripped and buried the clothes and backpack in the dirt beside it.

I'd been itching to phase, and last night's events had pushed it into a need.

Already, I felt more in my element as I began running. Fast. And as naturally as it always came, I felt myself start to turn into something else.

The ripping of tendons and lengthening of limbs began as flesh morphed into fur in the blink of an eye. My vision cleared, and my hearing strengthened. It felt like a metamorphosis. Like I was able to shed my self and become something new, something stronger. An animal that could exist as is. Phasing was never pleasant. It felt like ripping. Tearing. But God, did I miss it.

I smelled no one in the vicinity, though I still scanned through the green leaves to make sure I was alone. Then, I paused to see if I heard any voices in my head that weren't mine.

Thank fuck none came 'cause they would've for sure ripped me a new one.

I ran deeper into the woods, feeling more like myself with every stride. The thing about the forest was that it was the place where I could breathe the easiest. Everything was bigger than me; the trees were taller–I had room. It instantly cleared my mind. The woods were definitely the home for my wolf. For my human? I still wasn't sure.

Though I was relieved I heard no other voices, the silence from the others in my head felt more prominent than ever. I could almost hear my every thought bang around my skull. Don't get me wrong, it was great not hearing them all the time, but I couldn't lie—it did feel a little lonely. It was better that they didn't have to listen to my rumination, something I could hardly stand. Still, I wish I could know what they were up to. I missed my friends, my pack. Even when I didn't want to admit it.

I felt guilt gather in my gut. What if they were in trouble? I hadn't even thought about that.

An even worse thought crept in. What if they were in trouble because of Bella? What if she became some uncontrollable, ravenous bloodsucker that couldn't be tamed?

In my head, I saw a caricature of Bella with blood-red eyes feasting on her own father. Charlie's lifeless body lay limp on the floor as "Bella" lapped up the spilled puddle around him. Then, the pack attempted to intervene, but some got killed in the process. Her mate was desperate and pathetic, trying to control the situation like he always tried to do, failing miserably.

I bashed my head into a tree head-on to stop seeing anything more.

Sometimes, I really hated having such a vivid imagination.

I wish I could say that scenario was far-fetched, but it could be happening for all I knew. I had no idea. I chose to be in the dark about the whole thing.

What were Quil and Embry up to? Was my dad doing okay without me? Had Paul driven Rachel completely insane yet? Was Leah still…Leah? Did the rest of them see me as a coward? Cause I guess that's really all I was at the end of the day.

A fucking coward.

I run, I hide, I bleed out all on my own.

I'd been doing this for as long as I could remember. I think it started with my mom. I'd hide for days sometimes in that closet, wishing it was all a nightmare. My sisters would sometimes have to drag me out.

Yeah, I needed time alone. But was ditching my family the answer?

Yeah, I needed to move on. But was leading someone on when I knew I felt nothing for them the right thing?

The answers were obvious.

I stopped in my tracks; my claws dug deep into the Earth as I contemplated. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing; no one exactly gave me a handbook for this kind of shit.

I lay down in a bed of leaves, hoping for some sign to magically drop in my lap, and I absorbed the forest around me. This place looked a hell of a lot like Washington, with the wet, mossy vegetation and towering, mature trees. I keep telling myself I escaped from there, but was it a place I needed to escape from? Or myself?

It sure didn't feel like I'd escaped anything at all.

Had I found what I was looking for here? Fixing rich people's cars in the burbs? Hanging with Elizabeth to fill the void of my loneliness? I bet she'd let me stay with her, too, if needed.

Could I live that life?

Again, I knew the answer.

Guilt surged through me as I imagined Liz waking up this morning, discovering I'd left. Her face dropped in defeat, thoughts probably running through her mind about how she must've been too unlikable. She'd probably be unsurprised, considering that her father always left her high and dry, something she might expect from others now.

Would she look in the mirror and criticize what was wrong, what she could change? Would she scream in the mirror and ask herself why she wasn't good enough like I'd done countless times? Still, she would probably put on a smile, not showing how I'd hurt her the next time I saw her.

I hadn't known her for very long, but if there was one thing about Elizabeth I knew for a fact, it was that she was a genuinely good, positive person.

And I was an absolute mess of a half-human.

She appreciated the small things and saw everything in bright colors. She smiled through everything, never saying a mean thing about another soul. Even if a customer was a complete piece of shit, she'd say something like, 'They must be having a bad day!' I'm not sure why on Earth she liked spending time with me or why she wanted me enough to kiss me. Yeah, she could be a little annoying, but maybe I was just grumpy.

She kinda reminded me of myself back before I phased, back before everything went downhill. I used to see the positive in everything, just as she did. I didn't want to dim that light in her the way mine was forcefully snuffed out. Her bubbly personality did often put me in a better mood, too.

Was this who I've become now? Some avoidant asshole who didn't care about hurting those around me? Was I really going to continue leading Liz on, only to abandon her in the end?

No, I couldn't do that to her—it wasn't right. She didn't deserve it. I wasn't about to continue the fucked up cycle of whatever mess I was previously involved in. Dragging Liz into this for my own possible sake of healing wasn't the answer. Being the coward who always ran away clearly wasn't the answer either.

I buried my muzzle in the fresh dirt, allowing it to clear my senses.

What the fuck was I doing?

I rose to my paws and ran in the direction I came from, back to the hiking trail. When I phased back, I scurried to the bush and dug my clothes and backpack up. Pulling my cotton shirt over my head and swinging the bag on my back, I jogged the trail, nodding at passersby hikers.

It was still early, so it was possible that Elizabeth hadn't woken up yet. If I could get there in time, it'd be like I never left. I still had time to make things right.

—

When I turned the knob, the door opened, a possible sign she hadn't noticed I left. Carefully, I walked into the house and listened for any movement. This time, pots and pans banged around in the kitchen. Quickly, I fixed my hair and wiped my face with my hands in case I looked like a mess.

"Jacob?" She called out.

Shit.

Elizabeth peered around the kitchen doorframe, wearing slippers, a yellow apron, and a big smile on her face. Her hair was collected into a big, messy bun.

"Hey. Morning."

She raised one eyebrow as she watched me close the front door behind me.

"I-uh, needed some fresh air. Still felt a little sick. I think I'm good now."

"Oh, okay! Do you think you could stomach some breakfast?"

It was extremely hard for me to turn down, but I knew I had to.

"I don't think so. Thanks, though."

"Aw, okay. Want some tea?"

The guilt continued to gnaw at me from her thoughtfulness.

"No, I'm good with water. Just make enough for yourself. I'm gonna sit outside; come out when you're done?"

"Okay, I shouldn't be too long!" She was beaming as she darted back into the kitchen.

Outside, I paced back and forth in the driveway. The urge to bolt again was strong, but I didn't give in. There was no way I could, especially after seeing her smiley face that didn't have a clue I left. She was…pure. I had to rip off the bandaid again for her sake.

A few minutes later, Elizabeth came outside dressed in a long, flowery orange skirt and matching cropped shirt. Sunglasses sat atop her head, and her hair flowed down her waist.

"Sorry for keeping you waiting! What do you want to do today?"

How did she not sense anything was off?

"I, um. Wanna head to the beach?" I asked, scratching my head.

"Totally. Now?"

"Yeah, why not."

"Okay, okay, let me just grab my bag." She dipped in and out of the house within seconds, orange bag in hand.

The 15-minute walk to the beach mainly consisted of her yapping as if all was well, as if nothing had even happened between us last night. Maybe she had short-term memory loss.

She went on and on about some video game she was playing that I had no clue about, which somehow segwayed into a conversation about a yoga retreat she wanted to go to. I let her talk, nodding occasionally when a response was needed.

Tourists, mainly older folks, flooded the boardwalk. Some gave us a double take—probably the height difference— and some smiled at us. They must've thought we were a couple, which motivated me a little more to say what I came to say.

"Let's go down here," I said, directing her down a steep ramp that led to the beach.

The sand was difficult for her to walk on, so she grabbed my hand to balance herself while she took off her shoes to carry. When we continued to walk, she kept her hand around mine.

But I pulled mine back.

She looked at me, confused.

"Sorry. I kinda wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh, okay. What is it?"

I ran a hand through my hair, trying to come out with the words, failing.

"Do you…remember last night?"

"What do you mean? I didn't even drink!" She giggled.

"No, I know. I don't know."

We stopped in our tracks, and she grabbed my hand again.

"You don't need to feel bad about being sick. It didn't ruin anything for me." She squeezed tightly.

"I'm talking about before I got sick."

"Okay? What about?"

I pulled my hand back again and slipped it into my pocket.

"This." I motioned between our hands. "I can't do this."

"I don't understand?"

I sighed, trying to spit out the damn words.

"I can't do this with you. I can't do this to you. I'm an idiot, okay? I really am. I shouldn't have kissed you."

"Oh…"

"I was stupid. I thought it would give me clarity, but that's not a good reason to kiss someone. I don't wanna do that to you. I'm sorry that I did."

"Clarity? About what?" Her big brown eyes already looked pained.

"I'm just gonna be honest with you—I have to be. I-I'm not from Canada. I'm from the States. Washington."

"Why did you lie about that?" She took a step back, her face scrunching up. She was probably thinking I was an escaped prisoner or some shit.

"Cause I guess the truth is complicated. I don't know anyone here; my family doesn't know where I am. I came out here to be alone." I looked down at my new sneakers, which were already dirty. "Then you spoke to me, and you were so nice to me; God, it sounds so pathetic, but I've been…lonely. And I know it's stupid; I have a whole family waiting back home for me-"

"Is that who you called yesterday? Do they know you're okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, they know I'm fine. I've also done this before, they kinda expect this shit from me now. But things…happened back at home. I had to leave."

"I could tell there was something. Will you finally tell me?"

I blew out a breath.

"See, that's the thing, you noticed there was something wrong. No one usually does. I think you're a really kind person, and that's sorta fucking rare. You deserve someone who is gonna give you something back, and I knew it wasn't going to be me. I'm a dick, I'm sorry. It was wrong, alright?"

"I don't think that. You're unique. Maybe misunderstood?"

I rolled my eyes. "See, c'mon. Just call me a dick, it's alright. It'll probably make me feel better if you acknowledged it."

"Okay, you're a dick. Happy?" She laughed, and it still met her eyes despite the conversation.

I smirked. "Yeah, that's better."

She plopped down onto the sand, patting the spot next to her. I lowered myself down, keeping a distance between us, and sat.

"So, what is it? What happened back at home?"

"Well…" I chewed on my bottom lip.

Like a bandaid.

"I left because the girl I'm in love with is dead. For a while, I tried to stop it from happening, but it was useless; she chose it."

"She committed suicide?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

The rosiness of her face drained until she was completely pale, her eyes wide in shock.

"Oh my God. I didn't expect it to be anything like that, Jacob. Why? You say she chose it? Why did she end her life?"

I sucked on my teeth. "Cause she didn't see any worth in it. Look, we really don't have to get into this-"

"I think it's good for you to talk about it. I'm sorry, though; I don't want to pry if you don't want to."

"No, no, it's fine. I knew it was going to happen for a while."

I picked up a pinkish shell and mindlessly dragged it through the sand.

"Was she your girlfriend?"

"Unofficially, kinda. But she chose someone else, and he wasn't, how should I put this, good for her. I wasn't a walk in the park either, but he had a lot to do with her…death."

"Oh my god, what do you mean?!"

"Well, he didn't want her to die, but he knew that it wasn't going to end well with the choices she was making."

"Was it drugs?"

I paused, pondering.

"Guess you could say that."

"That's a lot. Like, way too much."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

Liz grabbed a shell and started scooping sand up into a little pile.

"What do you mean by unofficial girlfriend, though? If she was with this guy, then how?"

"We were both in love; we kissed a few times while she was with him. She told me we'd be together if the…addiction wasn't so strong."

"So she cheated on him with you?"

"Uh, I don't know. She didn't lie to him about it, so I guess it depends on your definition of cheating. But she told me she saw a future with me. Then she went on and married him anyway."

"What the–married him? How old is she?"

"Your age," I said, nodding in her direction.

"What!"

"Mhm. But aside from all my shit, you can tell me to fuck off, I'd understand."

"Why would I do that?"

Did I really have to spell it out?

"I sort of lead you on. Listen, you're a good person; you deserve way better than that. I'm not gonna do that to you cause I know how it feels. I won't lead you to believe that, 'Oh, maybe I'll be ready once I get over this,' cause, to be honest, I don't know if I ever will be. Not at least for a while."

I stayed focused on adding sand to her little pile. She cleared her throat.

"Honestly, Jacob, I'm fine. I only wanted you to be honest with me. That's all I think I wanted and, well, I'm lonely too. I-I get it. I probably shouldn't have kissed you either. I really do like you a lot and think you're really cool, but I also was kind of trying to fill a loneliness. Like, my family's not around, my boyfriend just dumped me, and I'm still getting over that, too."

I cracked a smile. "Oh sweet, so I was supposed to be the rebound?"

She nudged my arm. "Oh, stop it! No. But really, I get it. I mean, your situation is way worse—horrific even—but I get the loneliness thing. I'm just glad you spoke up."

"Okay. Cool. Look, I'm sorry for dumping all that on you; I'm not trying to. I don't talk about any of this stuff with anyone."

"No, it's okay. That's a lot to hold in. I want to be there for you, even if it's not in that way."

"You're better than me as a person," I half-heartedly laughed.

"How do your friends and family back home feel about all this?"

I snorted. "They're tired of hearing about it, rightfully so, though. It's old news at this point."

"Oh. That makes sense. I had a cousin who was an addict, and everyone felt that same way."

We continued adding to the sand pile till it was more of a mini mountain. I shaped the bottom with my hands.

"Yeah. Well. Still, I'm sorry. And you don't gotta be all nice; if you want me to leave you alone, I will. Be honest."

She giggled. "Jacob, relax! We haven't known each other very long; it's not like I was in love with you, don't sweat it. If anything, I'm just your boss or business manager or something? We can forget last night ever happened!"

What a damn relief.

"Well, thanks, you know, for listening. And for being so fucking nice," I said, exhaling.

"Let's just be friends?" She outstretched her hand.

I shook it.

"Deal."

To complete our wonky sand mountain, I grabbed a thin yellow straw beside my leg and stuck it at the top.

—

The rest of the day was well spent. Liz went and did her own thing, and I had time to explore the town by myself. I popped into the shops, ate at the WAG again, and got myself some ice cream after. Rocky Road. Cause, hell, I haven't had ice cream since I was a kid.

With some of the cash I made yesterday, I bought myself a couple of new tools and hair ties since I kept losing those fuckers. Some of the items in the stores made me sad, but I didn't let it get me down.

At night, I decided to be a rebel and try to sleep on the beach again, baton-wielding security guard be damned. I found a spot at the very far end of the beach behind a massive sand dune that I figured no one would bother me at.

I rest up against the large mountain of sand, going over the day in my head.

After all was said and done, getting everything off my chest felt good. It felt good to be straight up with Liz and have her as a friend, though I'm not sure I deserved it. I felt a little less guilty and more at my usual baseline of guilt.

Since I didn't get any sleep last night, the sound of the ocean was like a lullaby that had me dozing off pretty quickly.

As my eyes fluttered closed, the last thing I saw was the bright, gigantic moon hanging in the deep, black sky. It illuminated the waves that licked up on the shore. I hadn't seen the moon that big in a long while.

I think it was in my dream.

Chapter Text

Work was dragging more than usual. I only had 20 minutes until my shift ended, but each minute felt like an eon. To make the time go faster, I chatted with a customer eyeing the fishing supplies. Thanks to Charlie's weekly fishing trips, I had some more knowledge to keep up the conversation.

When Mike arrived to take over the register, the need to leave as quickly as possible before he asked any questions made me antsy.

"Quiet today?" He asked, coming behind the counter after I finished ringing up the customer.

"Yes, extremely. That last customer was the saving grace to my utter boredom."

I untied my apron as I rushed out to the cash wrap.

"Happy to see you back here, by the way. How's, um, everything going?" I could see the hesitancy lingering in his crystal blue eyes. I had to be the one to save us from the awkwardness.

"Thanks, I'm glad to be back. Everything's good. I better get going, though, need to make dinner for Charlie. See you soon!"

"Oh, okay. Bye."

I waved and smiled at Mike as I tried not to trip through the front doors.

The sight of the Mercedes' in the lot was laughable—it looked so out of place parked outside Newtons. It felt as if my hatred for it grew more and more each day since it was an attention magnet.

When I pulled out of the lot, the gawking from a man on the sidewalk solidified that fact.

I got home to Charlie, who was already setting out the ingredients on the kitchen counter for my planned baked ziti dinner.

"Hey, kiddo. How was your first day back?"

I slipped off my shoes and hung up my apron in the closet.

"It was good, just boring." In the kitchen, I washed my hands before handling the food. "The same old thing. Here, let me get that. Sit." I took the box of pasta out of his hand, terrified that if he did anything further with it, it would go up in flames.

"Still going to Quil's after dinner?"

"Yes, I think I'm going to be helping him clean. He also invited me to the bonfire at Billy's. Are you going to come? It's at 9."

"Yeah, need a damn break from work. So, did you talk to the kid Mike?" He asked, dragging back a chair to sit in.

"Very briefly." I turned the stove on high heat to let the pot of water boil, throwing in a dash of salt.

"Ah."

Pulling out the can opener from the drawer, I lined it up on the can's lip and peeled it off with a satisfying pop.

"It's always small talk between Mike and I."

"Yeah, but did he say anything about…well, he was there, wasn't he?"

I hadn't spoken to Charlie yet. Anytime he tried to bring it up, I'd shut it down, but I knew I couldn't keep it up for much longer.

"No, he didn't say anything about it."

"Well, can I yet?"

I sighed, pouring the pasta into the salty boiling water.

"Right now?"

"It's been weeks, Bells."

"Fine. Okay, we can talk."

My hair fell over my face, covering it as I leaned over the stove and stirred.

Charlie cleared his throat, adjusting himself in the seat.

"What did that bastard do to you?"

"Dad!"

"No, you can't keep me in the dark about this forever, Bella! Everything was fine and dandy; you followed Edward around like a lovesick puppy. I sure as hell didn't want you marrying him, but you said you were happy. What the hell happened?"

A flashback of the black sea of blood nearly knocked me to my knees out of nausea. But I didn't let Charlie see my trembling.

"I…I realized it wasn't what I wanted. I never wanted to marry this young or have a big fancy wedding like that. Edward and I had only been together for a little over a year-"

"Barely a year. Bastard left you for six months, remember?"

"Yes. I remember."

"But go on, there's more to it; I wasn't born yesterday. The night before the wedding, you were throwing up. I really thought it was just your nerves."

I fetched the strainer from under the sink to pour the boiled pasta into.

"It's complicated."

"Damnit, I'll go over there myself and-"

"Stop, stop! Okay. Yes, there's more."

"I'm all ears. Have been for weeks."

I paused, contemplating what to even tell him without actually telling him.

"I did feel very strongly for him. Still do, in a way. But I think I realized that we weren't a good match anymore. We're very different. He was also a little controlling sometimes."

"Controlling? I swear to God—"

"Dad, why do you think I haven't spoken with you yet? It’s because of this reaction!” I sighed. "Hold on, let me finish this.”

I finished preparing the baked ziti, popped it in the oven, and put the timer on before sitting across from Charlie at the kitchen table.

"Has he ever…hurt you? Physically." Charlie's face turned beat red, and he gripped the table.

"No. You don't need to worry about that. He got me that ridiculous missile-proof car, for crying out loud. He was overprotective to a fault. Like someone else I know," I mumbled, emphasizing the last part.

"Hey, I'm your dad…and a cop. But don't act like I breathe down your neck, Bells, I give you space. I just gotta know when something's wrong, especially major things like this."

"I know, I know."

"So is that it then?"

It broke my heart how completely clueless Charlie was and how I could never, ever tell him the truth.

"Yes, that's mostly it. I also didn't really fit in with his family. I wanted to, but I've always felt like an outsider around them—like I had to change myself to fit in."

He pulled a can of beer to his lips, shaking his head as he swallowed.

"You don't have to change a damn thing about yourself, kid. Sure, The Cullens may look a little out of place here; money can buy a lot of things, but I always thought they looked a little…strange. There's nothing for you to change."

I looked off at the timer on the oven.

"I just want you to be happy. I gave you my blessing and all that 'cause that's all your old man ever wanted." He sighed. "You told me Edward made you happy, but I always sensed something was off. It was too intense between the two of you; your mother and I even talked about it. I'm not sure that's really love, Bells. It felt more like obsession or infatuation. And when he left you and you just took him back with open arms, God, I had to hold my tongue a whole lot."

"I'm still figuring it out myself, Dad. It's not easy."

He took another swig of beer.

"Well, I know he's not the only one you felt something for," he muttered behind the can.

I immediately got up and flicked on the oven light to check on the ziti.

"Billy told me, by the way. You didn't tell me that he left either, kid."

I bit my lip.

"Apparently, he's been gone again for a couple of weeks. I didn't even know cause Billy didn't report it or anything. Said he called and that he's fine, but still, I wasn't in the loop."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. There's just nothing really to say about it."

"Yeah, well, he'll come back again. When he does, you have my permission to kick him in the nuts."

"Yes, he came back, but…I think it was to say goodbye. It felt more permanent this time."

"I don't know about that."

"I have a feeling."

I pulled plates and utensils from the cabinets and set them on the table.

"Why didn't you tell me he ran off again?"

"Because I didn't want to worry you—I didn't want you going around putting up flyers again."

He chuckled. "Same thing Billy said. Well, I'm not. I know he'll be back. It'll be okay."

"I hope so."

"Bella?"

I looked at his concerned face. His eyebrows furrowed, and his lips pursed.

"Do you wish Jake knew you didn't go through with it?"

"I just…want him to be okay."

That was the truth.

"Well, if he doesn't come back in the next month or so and doesn't call back, we'll go find him."

"Don't. He's probably happier where ever he is.” I filled glasses of water for us and placed them on the table. “Dinner will be ready soon.”

——

"Where should I put this?" I asked Quil, holding up his father's birth certificate that floated out from one of the piles I rearranged.

He leaned across the rickety bed to take it from me and placed it in one of the 4 piles of papers on the floor. The 4 piles were: Important, Garbage, Double Check with Joy, Double Check with Old Quil.

The room was stuffy, just as it was the night I slept here, except now it was even more dusty with all the cleaning we'd been doing for the past two hours.

I sneezed.

"Bless you," Quil said, mid sneeze himself.

I continued working on a pile in the corner of the room, stacking everything as neatly as possible. There was a lot of random junk—old receipts, expired coupons, checks, boating magazines— that I tossed into the small pail by my feet.

The room hadn't been cleaned in over a decade.

Quil explained that he caught Joy crying while leaving the room a few days ago, so he offered to finally clean it, and I was more than happy to help. After everything they both had done for me, it was the least I could do.

"God, there's just so much stuff," Quil exclaimed as he held up what looked like tiny glass fish trinkets.

"There is, but it might feel like more because it's such a small room."

"Could be true. But I feel like stuff would just keep appearing even if we threw all this in a big room."

"That's kind of what it feels like during a move, too. Things magically keep appearing. Like, where did this come from?" I picked up a small cracked lantern from under a sagging pile of folders. "I've been staring at this corner for how long and I'm only now seeing this."

Quil laughed. "That's what I'm saying."

We continued working and sneezing and sifting through the mountain of things.

"Thanks, by the way. You really didn't have to help, but it's a lot easier with someone else. And someone to kind of distract my mind from all of…this."

"Of course. Anything for you guys. Makes me feel a little less useless."

"Here we go, with your self-deprecation," Quil scoffed.

"Sorry."

"No S word."

“It's easy to be self-deprecating when everyone else around you is stronger."

"Quit it with that. I mean, you just told me what you did during the battle, distracting the redhead."

"Yes, but-"

"I'm just saying, you've got more power than you think. So knock it off with the whole "I'm a useless human, wahhh" thing. You do know like most people are human and not giant wolves or vampires, right? And not all of them would've been able to survive half the shit you have”

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Hey, Bella?" I looked back at him. "Shut up," he said with a smile.

I saluted and got back to work.

As I placed a frayed folder on top of the pile, the entire thing came down like a lost game of Jenga. All of my hard work for the past 40 minutes had gone to waste.

I pursed my lips in defeat.

"Here, I'll help you," he said, stepping over a few of the obstacles on the floor.

Papers of all kinds splayed out along the floor. With a sigh, we both bent down to collect them all.

The neat pile on the floor was almost complete, but beside me, Quil held something in his hands for longer, inspecting it closely, eyes narrowed. From the corner of my eye, he was reading whatever it was and I didn't want to pry in case it was something too personal with his father.

"Woah…" he whispered.

I moved the pile into a corner against the wall.

Quil sat on the floor, eyes wide as he read it, a hand running through his curls.

"Everything okay?"

"This is…this is really old."

"What is it?" I asked, crouching down next to him.

"Hold on." He held a finger up, eyes scanning.

In his hands appeared to be a collection of very aged papers bound together with thin black cords.

After a few minutes, Quil perked his head up. "You know a lot about our tribe's history, right?"

"Um, yes. I learned more from the tribal council back in June, too."

"This." He held up the tattered papers in his hand. "Is written by my great grandfather."

The writing was faded and didn't appear to be written in English or anything I recognized.

"You can read it?"

"Not all of it, but some of it I can make out; it's in Quileute."

"Well, what's it say?"

"It's just like a run down on shifters. Our story, how we came to be, rules. Lots of spiritual stuff, too."

He flipped through it, scanning again. I picked up a few remaining papers from the floor that I'd dropped.

"You've never seen this before?"

"No, never."

After a few more minutes of reading, Quil exclaimed, "Holy shit. These are recounts of spiritual visits from Taha Aki and his sons."

"Recounts? As in dreams?"

"I'm not sure. It's written more like an astral projection? It seems like actual encounters. It says they visited him often."

"If I’m remembering correctly, wasn't it a mystery what happened to Taha Aki?"

He nodded.

"What kind of encounters were they?"

"Lots of messages, guidance. It seems like they were friends? Like here, he and his sons spoke about other experiences they've had with vampires."

"Even…after they'd been killed?"

"Yeah. Seems like they've been watching over my great grandfather's pack."

"Wow."

"This part is talking about Taha Aki's third wife and imprinting. Holy shit!"

"What?"

"It's basically confirming that Billy's theory on imprinting is right, not Sams. That it's not about procreation or anything like that. It's for a select lucky few to keep them strong and focused. It says it's rare, which we knew. And it mentions females being able to phase."

"Okay, so, really no one read this because if they did, they wouldn't have been shocked about Leah," I said in awe.

"Yeah. But wait. Listen to this. This is new. It says only four pack members at a time can imprint." He put the pages down in his lap and looked off into space as he pieced his thoughts together. "So it's rare, not so much that it's not supposed to happen, but it's rare because only four wolves in existence at the same time can imprint."

My stomach dropped.

"How? I mean, how is that even known?"

"Apparently from Taha Aki's spirit guides. It's supposedly a part of our design. Wow, maybe that means there are other wolves out there that we don't even know about."

"Holy crow."

"Yeah, this is crazy. I mean, of course, we don't know if that's totally true; my great-grandpa could've been delirious writing this before he died. But, he was the last one of his pack to die, so it could've never got passed on because of that. Like maybe my father found it somewhere in old Quil's things and kept it. Then, before he could show it to anyone, he died? Or maybe he kept it to himself for some reason. I don't know, just guessing because we've never seen this."

"Wait, let's just think about this for a second. So if only four wolves at a time can imprint, there's three now…right?"

"Yeah."

"So then, if someone else imprinted, that would be it?"

"I guess, but that's only if it's true. We wouldn't know for sure unless it'd been a long while and no one else imprinted after the fourth wolf."

And then it hit me right then and there. Hard. Agonizingly hard.

I heard Edward's voice in my head from when I overheard his conversation with Jacob in the tent before the battle.

"You see, Jacob, you might leave her someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldn't have a choice."

This was a fear of mine. One I buried deep inside myself. I didn't think much about it since I chose Edward—there was no point. If anything, I wanted Jake to move on, to be with someone who chose him, fully chose him. But the selfish part of me now screamed.

Is that why Jacob hasn't come back?

"I wonder when it will happen," I said. "When the right girl is going to catch your eye."

"Don't get your hopes hope, Bella." Jacob's voice was abruptly sour. "Though I'm sure it would be a relief for you."

"Maybe, maybe not. I probably won't think she's good enough for you. I wonder how jealous I'll be."

"That part might be kind of fun," he admitted.

What if he imprinted? Now, without Edward, I couldn't bear it. I tried to swallow it down, but I couldn't.

I thought of all the other possibilities of who else could've imprinted, and I hoped so selfishly that it was anyone other than Jake.

Then I realized if it were true that imprinting wasn't for procreation, then maybe…

"Quil."

He looked up at me.

"You…you haven't, right?"

"I haven't what?"

"You haven't imprinted, have you?"

"Bella, what're you talking about? You think you wouldn't know that?"

"I-sorry, I know."

Sometimes, I truly hated the thoughtless, weak thing I was. I couldn't have just held my tongue?

"Wait, what would make you think that?"

Was it only obvious to me? Would I be completely out of left field if I told Quil my suspicions? Why did I put myself in this situation right now?

"Well…nothing, nothing."

"I mean, clearly, you have some idea in your head."

"I was just thinking."

He furrowed a brow.

"Who would I have even imprinted on? I don't hang out with anyone other than you and the pack."

I bit my lip.

"No, y-you're right. Never mind," I stuttered.

I felt the blush coming on heavy, and I knew he could see. I avoided his scrutinizing gaze.

"Bella…"

"Forget it! It was stupid to ask you."

"Something made you ask me that. You're a really bad liar."

"Can we forget I said anything?"

"No. Definitely not."

I covered my face with my hands. I knew he wouldn't let up.

"I was just… going through the possibilities in my head. And I thought I saw something, um, I-I'm probably totally off base here and-"

"Spit it out, Swan."

I worried that if I didn't spit it out like he wanted, he would've mistakenly thought I was talking about me being his possible imprintee. And I could not have that. Quil was too important of a friend to me.

"I thought I saw something between you and Embry," I said it so fast I don't think a normal human would've made out the words.

I couldn't look at him, but it sounded like the accusation knocked the wind out of him.

"But I think it's just that you have been friends forever or something. And you said it isn't for procreation, so it clicked in my head, and I jumped to a stupid conclusion. I'm sorry. Forget I said anything."

"I didn't imprint on Embry," he said in a low tone. I exhaled, hearing that he wasn't angry.

I wasn't sure what was running through his head.

"You didn't see anything between us. We're just friends," he said flatly.

But it was in the way he said it, so defeated and unsurprised, that made me think I wasn't totally off base. I didn't think either of them had imprinted, but it almost felt like Quil had confirmed there was something, even if it were one-sided.

"Okay. I'm sorry, Quil."

He didn't answer; he only sat there deep in thought, dozing off at the dust floating around us.

I wanted to slap myself for making him think about it, for potentially touching on something tender, all because I needed my own reassurance about Jacob. Ugh.

"Really. I'm not the best person for picking up stuff like that. I've read too much Austen in my life," I said, hoping to wake him up from his daydream.

Luckily, it worked.

He smiled. "Yeah, your view on romance is definitely pretty fucking skewed."

We both laughed and rose to our feet.

But I saw the yearning settle in his eyes.

—-

The Ateara's and I arrived at Billy's by 9 PM for the bonfire. I felt a little awkward, especially with Old Quil's disdain for me being so obvious and on display. However, I was surprised that he stayed in the house as Quil and I cleaned out his dad's room. Still, he didn't say a word to me, just stared blankly.

Upon entering the small red house, its familiar, cozy, yet stale scent overwhelmed me. A confused excitement swept through me but was swiftly diminished. It'd been a few months since I'd been here, and the last time was painful.

The door to his room down the hall was closed, and an intrusive thought passed my mind to open it, to see, to make sure.

I tore my eyes from the door.

Billy prepared some snacks in the kitchen as the four of us entered the tight space.

"Oh!" Billy said, taken by surprise as he turned to face us.

"Hey, Billy. Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. But we have something to show you. Couldn't out there cause Charlie and the moms," said Quil. "Bella found this in my dad's things."

Billy looked at me, and I waved.

"I didn't exactly find it; I kind of knocked over some things, and it fell out."

"Well, thank God you're a klutz," laughed Quil.

"Don't call her that!" Joy said, nudging her son in the ribs.

"Oh, no, Joy. He's completely right."

"It's true, ever since she was a little girl," said Billy with a tight-lipped smile.

Old Quil pulled out the papers from inside his brown vest and handed it over to Billy.

"I assume you've never seen this, old man here hasn't. My dad must've found it somewhere. Either he died before he had the chance to show anyone, or he purposely kept it to himself. Dunno."

Billy studied the pages, reading quietly to himself.

"Kids, why don't you go and bring the snacks outside?" Joy said.

Quil and I took the trays stocked with s'mores ingredients along with multiple bags of chips. Joy held the door open for us as we exited and went toward the back of the house.

A brilliant fire burned some feet away from the red house while the whole pack, their imprintees, moms, and Charlie sat on logs surrounding it. The chatter, laughter, and chaos amongst them all filled the otherwise quiet evening with life.

We set the things down and greeted everyone as they grabbed the food from the trays.

"Hey, kiddo," Charlie said, who was sitting beside the Clearwater's.

I climbed over onto the log beside him.

"Have a good time at Quil's?" He nodded toward Quil while he walked over to Sam.

"Yes, we were super productive."

"Good, I'm glad you have a new friend to hang around after, uh, everything goin' on right now."

"Me too."

"And Bells?" I looked at him; the fire lightened his face with an orangey glow. "I'm sorry if I was overbearing before. I never want you to feel like you can't talk to me. Things are tough for you right now, but I promise kid, you'll figure it all out. This too shall pass." He pulled me into his side and gave me a kiss on top of my head.

"Don't apologize, Dad, I get it. I can be like a wall sometimes. Wonder where I inherited that from?"

"Hey, well, at least we both know it."

I stayed nestled in his side as I watched the embers flicker out into the black sky. The faces of everyone across the fire were all glowing smiles and laughter.

In the center of it all were Jared, Paul, and Embry, laughing so hard they wheezed as they each tried to eat a giant towering s'more that someone had made. Embry got the closest before marshmallows slipped out from the sides of the graham crackers onto the ground.

He looked better, less tired. The color in his face was back, his long hair pulled into a messy bun with a braid running down the front. It was nice to see him look so carefree.

The pack, in general, seemed much less stressed now that they knew Jake was okay. They deserved a break.

Kim, Rachel, and Emily were beside them, singing a song I wasn't familiar with, but they kept laughing anytime Rachel tried to hit the high note in the song, failing. I would've loved to sit with them, to get to know them all a bit better.

Sam and Quil looked more serious than the rest, deep in conversation, likely talking about what we found today.

What caught my attention was Tiffany and Allison speaking to the far left of everyone. Though I wasn't much of a gossiper, I was dying to know what they were talking about.

For a while, it was a mystery as to who Embry's dad was, but Quil told me recently that it was officially Joshua Uley. Embry pried a bit more with his mom until she admitted that she didn't know him and barely remembered what he looked like since it was just one night. She told him his father's name was either Josh or Jack—she never caught his last name, nor did she ever see him again—but she didn't want Embry to go looking for him because she wasn't completely sure.

I couldn't help but wonder if Tiffany and Allison were connecting the dots, but I figured that was unlikely. Neither of them knew anything about the wolves.

I also couldn't help but wonder if they felt like outsiders. Did they sense anything at all? At least they still got to see their sons. I cringed, thinking about what I had originally planned to do to Charlie if I changed.

I gripped him tighter.

"Hey, Bella! Come here!" Emily called out, waving a hand over. I felt an automatic smile stretch across my face and pulled away from Charlie's grasp to sit with them.

The girls and I chatted about books and movies while we nibbled on s'mores. They were all very close, which made me feel slightly left out, but that was to be expected. I wouldn’t have minded spending more time with them.

It was nice to catch up with Rachel and even nicer to see how she'd grown into such a smart woman. We didn't talk too much about the obvious—all she mentioned was that she slept on the couch since she felt too weird sleeping in his room. Other than that, she told me all about her time at Washington State University.

When the girls were talking about things I couldn't relate to or understand—they had a lot of inside jokes—my gaze found Quil, who gravitated to Embry. Again, they were looking at each other like that.

Quil seemed to need to be touching him. His thumb caressed Embry's knee, who didn't seem to notice at all. And when Embry took his hair down, shaking it out, Quil watched almost in awe. He even moved in closer.

Was no one else seeing this? This couldn't just be in my head. Maybe it was one-sided, but still, if it were true, how did Quil hide it from the pack when they were phased? Jake would've probably told me. Or…maybe not?

I needed to mind my own business. If Quil wanted to tell me, he would.

I stood up, excusing myself to the bathroom, and crossed the lawn to the Black's house. I hesitated upon opening the door.

Inside, it was empty. But it more so felt empty. It could've been filled with people, and it still would've felt that way.

Walking through the house was surreal. It was surreal that I was here and not at the Cullens. It was surreal that I was herebut Jacob wasn't. What a strange path I've ended up on.

Idling outside the bathroom, I felt Jacob's bedroom looming behind me. I bit my lip, looked down the hall to make sure I was still alone, and spun around to face the door.

Carefully I turned the knob, feeling butterflies shoot through my gut in anticipation.

But they lost their wings when I saw his empty bed.

It was just how I last saw it. Small—way too small for Jake—a little messy and cozy. The camo print comforter was hanging half off the mattress, and the deflated pillows were scattered about. I couldn't help but think that he had a difficult time sleeping.

I hovered through his room like a ghost, finding my way to his makeshift wooden dresser that had a few different car manuals and a piece of looseleaf on top. The paper had his handwriting scribbled on it, and I knew I shouldn't have looked at it, but I couldn't help it when I saw my name sprawled on top.

Bella,

I thought we were done with this note BS, but I figure this'll be my last one.

You're not even going to read this. Or maybe you will. Vampires can still read. But I've got a funny feeling that you're gonna be too dead to read it. Either one sucks. Whatever, we've already been through this. Let me try to say nice things.

I miss you, Bells. I miss your dainty little hand in mine. I miss the smell of your hair. I miss the way your nose would crinkle up when I annoyed the hell out of you.

I wish you saw what I saw. I wish you saw how breathtakingly beautiful you were. You only would've gotten more so with age. Too corny? Sorry.

I think I would've done anything to keep you around. I would've probably stopped the world if I could. I fucked up a lot trying, and I'm sorry for being a prick a lot of the time.

Nice things, nice things. Right.

Wherever you are, I hope you're happy. I mean that. That's all I ever truly wanted. Whether you're a bloodsucker or a soul floating around in space, I hope you're happy, and I hope you know how deeply loved you were by everyone. If it's the latter, say hi to my mom for me, will you? I think you two would've gotten along pretty well.

Anyway.

I love you, Bella Swan. I always will. No matter how fucking strange and illogical you are.

Jacob

I put the paper down before I ruined it with tears. A violent wave of emotion crashed over me, and I stumbled backward onto his bed.

I've heard Jacob say things like this repeatedly, but it hit so much harder right now. It hit harder imagining him writing this alone in his room, sick with worry over me, truly believing I was going to die.

Jacob had always been right, and I realized that. No, he didn't go about everything the right way, but who could prepare for something like that? It was life or death, and I never took its weight seriously enough.

I curled up in his bed, pulling his comforter up to my face. It smelled exactly like him. My Jacob. How badly I'd hurt my Jacob.

But he was never mine. Jake and I were doomed from the start; I'd always known this. We were doomed in more ways than one.

Even now, after I'd decided not to marry Edward, we were still doomed.

He was likely the fourth wolf.

Much like how Jacob wanted me to be happy no matter what, I felt the same for him. If he found her, I was happy. The truth was that I treated Jake like trash, and he certainly deserved better than that, than me.

As much as it hurt, there was nothing I could do. I'd be getting through all of this alone. No one to lean on. No lover to rely on. It was me and me alone now, something I had to be okay with. I just had to dig inside myself to find the strength to keep myself together. Edward nor Jacob were going to be the ones to do that for me.

I had to be strong now. For myself.

Turning over on my side, the comforter soaking up my tears, I noticed something small on the windowsill next to a carving knife.

I reached over and grabbed it, and upon inspection, I knew immediately what it was.

It was a tiny red wooden carving of my truck.

I clutched it to my chest and quietly cried.

But I had to be strong now. I had no other choice other than to pull myself up.

After a few minutes, I slipped the carving into my pocket, exited his room, and closed the door behind me.

Chapter Text

I should've expected it, but nonetheless, his presence startled me.

I couldn't idle by the entrance of Newtons any longer without Mike questioning what I was doing, so I walked forward, eyeing the silver Volvo parked in the lot. The passenger door was wide open.

Had it been enough time? I've gone over everything in my head for the past couple of weeks. Spending time alone, thinking. And I'd come to the same conclusion every time.

My mind felt clearer.

But was I ready to speak with him?

My steps were unsure, and the closer I got to the car, I became a little lightheaded. It was as if my body was aching for him, luring me closer. It felt like I'd been going through withdrawals.

I'm sure it was the same thing he currently felt with the scent of my blood in the air.

I slid into the leather seat, avoiding his eyes, and I shut the passenger door, anxiety clawing up my throat.

"Hello, Bella," Edward murmured beside me.

His mere presence was almost too much to handle. It took everything in me not to lean over, to look into his butterscotch eyes, to feel the coldness of his skin. But I didn't give in, and I stared through the windshield.

"Hi."

"Why do you reek of smoke?"

"Oh, um, I went to a bonfire last night. It must still be in my hair."

"I see. How are you doing?" He leaned slightly closer to me, trying to get me to look at him.

"Good. Why are you here, Edward?"

"There are things we need to talk about. I've given you some time, and I hope you have some answers now."

I swallowed the thick lump in my throat.

"Okay."

"Have you made up your mind?" He asked, faltering.

I leaned further away from him, but his scent overwhelmed me, making it useless.

"Yes."

"Please, tell me. Where do we stand?"

I had to be strong. I had to be honest with myself. I had to rip it off like a bandaid.

"We can't be together anymore," I whispered.

The words left my lips, and they felt foreign and terrifying. Real. Solidified. But underneath all the layers of my artificial desires, I knew it was true.

"You were right all along, I guess. I didn't think anything through."

Edward clicked his tongue. I could feel the agony radiating off of him.

"I knew it was going to come to this. I'm sorry, Bella. I've never wanted this life for you. I've tortured us both for too long."

Surprisingly, his answer only angered me.

"Then, if you knew, why did you pursue me in the first place? You knew I wouldn't be able to resist you, or any vampire for that matter."

"You know this, Bella. I was selfish. I am selfish. Simple as that. I knew better, but I couldn't stay away. I did try to end this, to leave you, and we saw how that turned out."

"Yes." I looked down into my lap, scooting further until the armrest on the door dug into me.

"What's wrong?"

It hurt to even think about it.

"That's something I thought about a lot. You leaving."

"What of it? "

"You know how I purposely didn't ever want to talk about the…condition I was in when you were gone? Because, ironically, I didn't want to hurt you."

"Yes."

"I brushed over it too much. Buried it. It's hard to think about. I forgave you so quickly after I'd suffered for months. Of course, I know you suffered as well."

"Tremendously."

"I don't think I ever really told you any of it—"

"No, but Jacob made sure I saw some of it in his mind. I will never forgive myself for it…"

"Jacob didn't see most of it. I hid it. I was having hallucinations, and I woke up Charlie every night with my screams from the nightmares I had. I was a zombie, barely alive."

"Bella—"

"When you told me you didn't want me, I think something broke inside me. I felt worthless. I don't think you coming back fixed it—it feels wired in me now. I forgave you so quickly so I could forget it even happened. I was desperate not to feel that feeling anymore."

"I don't know what you want me to say. I cannot go back in time."

I looked at him and braced myself for the utter beauty of his face to shatter me.

His eyes were shimmering gold snares set perfectly and delicately for me to fall right into. The perfection of his God-like face startled me, as it always did, but I didn't allow myself to waver. I did not fall into the trap.

"You don't need to say anything; I want you to listen. I'm not asking for anything more. There is nothing to fix."

"Okay. I will listen. Go on." He gestured for me to continue.

"If I'm being completely honest with myself, Edward, I think a big reason I wanted you to turn me was so I wouldn't hate myself anymore."

I knew the words hurt him just as they hurt me. But, frankly, I didn't care. He had to hear them. I exhaled a big breath.

"I wanted to match up with your perfection; I was tired of feeling weak and inadequate. I never thought we were on the same playing field; you were always a million steps ahead of me while I floundered behind, tripping over my own feet. And…I told you that I had always stumbled through life, that I wasn't normal, and that's true, but that doesn't mean I belong in your world. I was always awkward and kind of weird, but I didn't hate myself before you."

His expression was blank. Unreadable.

"I never wanted you to hate yourself. You know I view my kind as lesser than…"

"Yes, I know. It's mainly my own problem with how I view myself. Turning into a vampire would only be escaping those problems—a quick fix for my poor self-esteem. And not only that, being a vampire would pose a risk to the humans around me who I love; it would cause a war with the wolves."

"I agree with that. But may I ask, what about your love for me?"

I sighed and leaned my head against the window, closing my eyes.

"Let's be honest with what we are, Edward. I'm addicted to you, just as you are to me. I can barely sit in this car with you and think straight. I do have love for you, but at this point, I truly don't know if it's chemical or not. Like you said, your design is to draw me in. If I really think about it, I'm not sure that we would be together at all if you were human. I mean, maybe? Maybe we would've dated, but I'm not sure it would've lasted very long."

"Interesting hypothetical. I don't think that's relevant, though."

"It was just a thought."

"Hm."

"I just think we are fundamentally incompatible. It's not even that we are human and vampire; it's… everything. I hate the cold. I hate blood. I love the sun. I love to cook. I don't want to be married yet—or possibly ever. I don't like parties or flashy gifts. I hate that thing," I said, nodding to the Mercedes parked next to Mike's Suburban across the lot. "I don't like the designer clothes Alice dresses me in. I don't care about diamonds or fancy colleges or money."

He started tapping the steering wheel.

"I also can't help but feel that Rosalie was right. That you wouldn't have loved me so much if it weren't for my scent and the fact you can't read my mind."

"Rosalie isn't right about anything," he snarled defensively.

"But have you ever considered that?"

"Bella, these things don't matter. The reality is that I am not human; I cannot read your mind, and you are my singer. Can we focus on the actual situation at hand, please?"

I could sense that he knew I was right.

"Fine." I shifted in my seat as he sat motionless beside me. "All I'm saying is I think some of the major appeal between us is that we are forbidden and different, which makes it exciting. I'm not sure we would withstand the test of time if we were both vampires. I barely even know who I am. My life has been completely upended and consumed by you within the window of time I've been with you."

"I see. It's incredible to witness your mind drastically change."

"I don't think I consciously changed my mind. I think everything caught up with me, and my body forced me to see it. Then I couldn't unsee it after that."

"Is there anything else?" I could tell he couldn't handle much more.

"Yes, actually, I want to mention one more thing about when you left. It made me realize we weren't meant to be."

"How so?"

"Okay, so, let's say that when you left, the wolves didn't exist-"

"Again, with these childish hypotheticals."

"Please just listen?"

He nodded with his lips in a hard line.

"You left. I was alone. Say the wolves didn't save me. Laurent would have killed me, and that would've been the end of our story. And if Laurent wouldn't have killed me, I would've died jumping off the cliff if Jacob hadn't pulled me out of the water."

"I've thought of these things too, Bella. But you desperately begged me and begged me to change you. You wanted to be with me. You were extremely adamant."

"I was, and I'm sorry for putting you in that position. Thank you for not giving in so easily. I think part of it was out of fear. I was constantly at risk for staying human."

"Yes, and you still are."

"I know."

I tugged at a loose thread on my apron.

"And I must note that within that time, you even managed to fall in love with my mortal enemy." He laughed half-heartedly. "That told me a lot, too. Perhaps you do belong with them. Clearly, you still love the mutts."

I turned to him, disgusted.

"Don't call them that."

"Oh, you care what I call them now? Do you scold them when they call us leeches?"

A bitterness took over his face and tone.

"I don't like any of the name-calling! But don't sit there and act like your being here wasn't what forced them to phase in the first place! You and your family certainly didn't have to stay here; you could live anywhere. The tribe doesn't have the same privilege of up and moving—they also shouldn't have to. They don't have billions of dollars like you do. You have no right to talk down on them the way you do and view them as lesser than."

He scoffed.

"Did one of them pay you to say that, Isabella?"

"No." I spat. "It's just a fact."

"The wolves are not these innocent victims that you view them as—they are violent. Now, I wouldn't say that they are bad or evil; they're quite, well, how do I put it…imbecilic. They don't think, they act."

"So you're telling me you aren't the imbecile for harassing Quil's grandfather the way you did?"

"The way you stick up for a man that hates you is quite admirable."

"He only "hates" me because of you!"

"None of those dogs like you, Bella. What do they even offer you? What would Jacob Black be able to offer you?" His laugh was laced with pretentiousness.

"I'm done with this conversation; I said everything I needed to say. Goodbye, Edward," I said, grabbing the door handle. But of course, he locked it before I could get it open.

"Just a few more minutes. Settle down. I have some news."

Every ominous possibility shot through my mind instantly to where I couldn't formulate a coherent thought.

I fell back in my seat, arms crossed against my ribs.

"Of course you do. Make it quick. I need to get home."

Edward sighed, and it sounded unnatural.

"Well, I'm sure this won't come as a surprise to you; you knew this was coming."

The dread made me freeze.

"Before, I said that there are consequences of you staying human; well, these are them, unfortunately. The Volturi have reached out to us. We've been…corresponding. They are asking if you've been changed. Of course, after everything we discussed, that won't be happening now."

I knew this, of course, but it infuriated me. I felt so trapped. Suffocated. Just as I did sitting in the Volvo.

There would have been consequences to every choice I made, no matter what I chose. Edward had hounded me of all the consequences of being a vampire, and now, even with not choosing vampirism/him, I was still faced with grave danger. It didn't matter where I ran; I was constantly faced with a deadly wall.

Even if I stay true to myself, I have to pay a price.

They were going to kill me.

But I had already determined that I rather that be the case. I could not change my mind back to when I could justify turning into a vampire. I tried; I truly did.

So I would go to Volterra and try to reason with them. I'd go alone—I was done dragging anyone else into my mess. I would convince them. It was all I had. If they killed me, then at least I stuck to my guns and didn't endanger anyone else in the process.

That would be a terrible anti-climatic ending to my life, but what other choice did I have? I didn't want to be with Edward anymore, to put everyone at risk, be an enemy to the wolves, start a war, and be a bloodthirsty newborn.

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to change. My hands were tied. My life had become a revolving door.

"I'll go there and talk to them, convince them that I would never tell a soul."

"You can't be so foolish to believe that would be enough, can you?" Edward laughed. "And, well, they're coming here."

I let that sink in for a few seconds but couldn't comprehend it. The very loose plan I had in mind was now out the window.

"They're all coming here this time? Even Aro, Caius and Marcus?”

Edward solemnly nodded.

"N-no. No, Edward, they can't all come here because of me. That's ridiculous. Why?"

"They claim they want to catch up with us and because we went out of our way last time to go to Italy. But truly, it's to ensure you've been changed and that no other humans in the area know about us. If they even have an inkling a human knows, they would have to kill them. I assume Aro wants to see that everything is in order after everything with the newborn battle."

Blood rushed through my whole body, and suddenly, I was too hot. I reached to roll the window down, but Edward stopped me.

"What?! I need air!"

"Oh, I'm sorry; I thought you were trying to leave again."

"Ugh." He rolled the windows down, and I let the cool air wash over me.

"So you can't tell them to stay in Italy? To not come?"

"I'm afraid that would make things look very suspicious. They are also royalty; we have no say in what they do or decide."

"So what do we do?" A dewy breeze swept through the car, and it felt like it would rain.

"We're going to have to make some sort of deal, and it will probably be what Alice has seen."

"You joining them?"

"Yes. They would love to have me join."

"I don't want that for you."

"To be completely honest, Bella, I wouldn't mind, especially if it were to spare your life. I've lived for over a hundred years, and you have decided not to be with me. I've lived a good enough life. Besides, I am the one who put you in this predicament."

He was right. I wouldn't be in this situation if he hadn't gone there to provoke them.

"But do we know they would even accept?"

"We don't 100% know. We'll have to see. I think they would accept it. Of course, you just have to never tell a human in your lifetime."

"I hate this."

"As do I. But there is nothing to do about it. I'm going to be on high alert. Since you broke the cameras, I may have to come by occasionally to ensure none of the guard try to slip by us and visit you. I don't think they would do such a thing, but it's precautionary."

"That feels like overkill."

"It's the Volturi. I have to be."

"Fine. Are we done now?"

"Yes. I will keep you updated if there's anything new."

"Will you let me know when they're here?"

He hesitated. "Yes."

"Okay. Can you unlock the door now?"

In a swift movement, Edward got out of the car and crossed around the hood to the passenger door. He pulled it open for me.

"Um, okay. Thanks. Bye, Edward."

"Goodbye, Bella. Drive safe."

I climbed into the Mercedes and watched Edward speed out of the lot, going in the opposite direction that I thought he would've gone.

As I sat in utter silence, everything came crashing down upon me. Heavy, brutal, and ruthless.

Did I really just have that conversation? Did I really just officially end things with Edward?

Was Aro actually coming to this tiny town wedged in the corner of the country? I tried to imagine him here, but I couldn't. The last time I'd seen him was in his vast, surreal headquarters, plucked straight from a dream or nightmare.

I turned the key in the ignition, and the car came to life. A minute into the drive home, the rain started falling hard.

It was the anticipation that always killed me, that made me overthink and go in torturous cycles. It made the paranoia of someone being in my room constant. I couldn't stand it. I could never catch a break.

The roads became slick, and the tears that came on blurred my vision. I couldn't stop them from coming. I sobbed, wailing loudly in the stupid car.

Peace. That was all I wanted. Clarity. I wanted things to settle and be normal for just one week in my life.

I stopped at a red light, comprehending something Edward had said. I wasn't sure I could drive once the light turned green.

“If they even have an inkling a human knows, they would have to kill them.”

No.

God, no. It only got worse the more I allowed that to sink in.

Billy, Old Quil, Sue, Rachel, Kim, Emily, Joy.

No!

And what about the pack? The Volturi didn't know of their existence. What would they make of them when Aro sees them in any of the Cullens' minds?

The light turned green, and I couldn't drive forward until my hand stopped shaking—luckily, no one was behind me.

I couldn't go home right now without scaring Charlie, so I turned left toward the forest. I rolled the window down, not caring about the pouring rain getting in the car. I needed to breathe.

But I couldn't.

Visions of The Volturi slaughtering the tribe after they'd killed me flashed in my mind, followed by Charlie, broken, sobbing on the kitchen floor from the loss of his daughter and his closest friends.

The most terrifying part was that they had done this before. Due to Caius's fear of werewolves, they took out every werewolf in Europe. But those werewolves weren't shapeshifters like the Quileutes; they were something else called Children of the Moon, who turned from being bitten.

Would they care to understand the difference? Would they immediately go in for the kill once they knew of the pack's existence?

I could not catch my breath through the panic.

And they were coming here because of me.

The road was long, windy, and empty. A thick fog hovered above it, whisking through the surrounding dark green trees. It became harder to see through my tears, rain, and fog, so I relied mainly on sound out the window to listen for other cars.

There was no easy solution, no simple answer, no conclusion that wouldn't end in death or war or terror or loss.

People were always at risk because of me, no matter my choice. I probably wouldn't be getting out of this alive. Leaving my loved ones to grieve over me was inevitable; it would be the best solution that would keep them safe.

The pressure was too much for me to handle, too much for me to live with.

I could end this all right now before the Volturi got here to hurt anyone else. The Cullens could prove I died, and they wouldn't have to come here. I could end this all right now so I didn't have to become a bloodthirsty vampire. I could end this now, on my own terms, and not leave it in the hands of anyone else. I could end this all to stop these thoughts.

This pressure.

This pain.

This heartbreak.

I pressed my foot to the gas.

The Mercedes revved loudly and flew down the slick road. The wind whipped my hair wildly, obstructing my sight further. The rain poured into the car.

I heard a scream, but I wasn't in my body anymore. I couldn't see, I couldn't hear.

I gripped the wheel, my hands still shaking, causing me to swerve, and I directed the car toward a giant spruce.

I could end this all.

The colossal tree became closer and closer in sight. It was a beautiful tree; I wouldn't have minded it being the last thing I saw.

Closer.

Closer.

I was still screaming, primarily out of pure, unbridled rage and frustration.

I didn't want to die; I sincerely didn't—that was the worst part.

I wanted to live. I wanted to see where life took me. I wanted to experience everything it had to offer. I wanted to fight for myself. I wanted to fight for my life.

I could end it all.

And I almost did.

But seconds before the bumper crashed into the tree, I swerved to the left, spun back onto the street, and hit the brakes because I was not the same girl who jumped off the cliff back in March.

I was someone new.

Chapter Text

“Damn it, you shithead! Ugh!” Elizabeth shouted at the TV, vigorously smashing the buttons on her pink video game controller. She rolled onto her knees, leaning forward over the couch, totally focused on the screen.

It was pretty hilarious to watch Liz morph into a raging lunatic. The bubbly, sweet thing she usually was had left the room the second I agreed to play with her.

She was good. Really good. She beat my ass multiple times already, but this time I finally was getting a leg up on her.

“Yes! YES! Ohhhhhhhhh!” I smashed the buttons like a psycho until I finally destroyed her character. “Hell yeah!” I tossed the controller aside and threw my hands in the air.

“You fucking fuck!” Liz threw her controller down, stood up, and paced around the room. “I almost had it! Ugh!”

“Nah, you really didn’t. What, you can’t give me just one damn win?”

She hissed at me like a cat.

“Go dunk your head in some ice water, ya loser.”

“Don’t tell me how to live!”

She plopped down on the couch next to me, arms crossed, breathing heavily.

It was a nice end to a long day of working on broken cars all day. Business was booming since school was back in session. Parents' cars were breaking down left and right and they needed them fixed to take their brats to school. It's all good for me, though, cause I made a boatload of money in the past couple of days. Seriously, I’d never had so much cash in my life. My old man would be proud.

“Okay, I’m calm. But I still don’t forgive you!” Liz whined.

“Well, what if I gave you this last donut?” I taunted, reaching over to the donut box on the end table beside me. I plucked out the remaining coffee crumb donut and waved it in the air, causing crumbs to fall onto the couch.

She peaked at me from the corner of her eye, arms still crossed, fighting a smile.

I tossed the donut to her, and she quickly uncrossed her arms to catch it, further solidifying her impressive hand-eye coordination.

She nibbled on it immediately. “Okay. Forgiven. For now.”

“Seriously though, what the hell, Liz? That was the only time I heard you curse like that.”

She giggled.

“I can’t help it. I get heated!”

“No, you get homicidal.”

“The game is to kill your opponent, is it not?!”

“True, true.”

Liz and I were cool—thank god. I mean, aside from her going ballistic on me playing Mortal Kombat, we were becoming closer friends. Now that I laid everything out on the table, it felt easy. I even played wingman for her at the WAG last night, though she wasn’t really interested in any of the guys.

It was also kinda cool to have someone to talk to. Whatever weird wall between us was gone, and there was no pressure on us to be anything more. We both knew that being anything more than friends would never work and honestly, the idea made me sick. Again, not that she was gross. Just that I couldn’t be with anyone. Not for a while.

Great thing about it all was that I didn’t feel weird using her shower anymore.

Swallowing the last bites of the donut, Liz flipped open her phone, and instantly, her energy shifted. Upon reading whatever was on the screen, her face dropped.

She stared at it for a while before I could tell she was fighting tears.

“You good?” I asked, but she didn’t look at me.

“I don’t know.”

“What’s up?”

She rested her arm on the couch’s armrest and buried her face in her inner elbow.

“Liz, what happened?”

“It’s my dad,” she mumbled. “He texted to let me know he bought vacation property in New York and will stay there for a while longer.”

What the hell was up with this dude? …And exactly how rich was he that he could casually afford that?

“Jeez. What do you think he’s been doing over there?”

“I really have no idea.”

“Does he have another family or something? A new wife?”

She pulled herself up, wiped her face, and looked at me, perplexed.

“No? Why would you think that?”

Wasn’t it obvious?

“Well, what is it then? He travels alone all over the States? And now he’s just buying property in New York on a whim?”

She winced and contemplated as if it were the first time she considered that idea. I think it actually was the first time she considered it.

“Why wouldn’t he tell me something like that though?”

Wasn’t it wild how people could be so goddamn blinded by someone they loved?

“I mean, it seems like you’re kept in the dark about everything.“

Her face fell even more.

“But, hey, that’s just a theory, I don’t know shit. It’s just weird. It’s weird he leaves you here all alone.”

“It’s lonely, sure, but a lot of parents have to travel for work and things like that. It isn’t that weird. I’m sure your dad has gone for periods of time, too.”

I clicked my tongue. “Yeah, for work, that’s normal for people, I guess. And nah, my old man never left; he had to stop working 'cause he became disabled.”

“Wait. He’s disabled? Is he okay on his own right now?”

“Yeah, he’s self-sufficient. I helped him out, but he refused help a lot, too.”

She looked at me long and hard with an accusatory look. “Jacob.”

“What?”

“You need to call him soon.”

“Cut it out; we’re not talking about my shit right now. Did your dad say anything else?”

“No, that was it.” Her gaze fell to the closed phone in her lap. “I would be fine with him going away every so often; having the house to myself isn’t the worst thing ever. In a way, it feels a little silly to complain or be upset. He sends me enough money that I don’t have to work. I just wish that we could’ve done some of the things he promised me.”

“Like that road trip to the States?”

She nodded.

I stared at the basement walls that were littered with her dad's memorabilia. Lotta sports crap, lotta signed country records.

I was grateful to have a dad that wasn’t like Liz’s. It pissed me off that he could just walk out and not say anything to his own daughter.

How ironic.

I knew I wasn’t responsible for Billy, still, I knew I was being a shitty son.

But I didn’t wanna think about any of that right now.

I sighed and looked back at Liz, who twiddled with the controller, bored and upset.

“Hey, Liz?”

Her head popped up.

“Wanna see the States?”

“What do you mean?!”

“I mean, wanna go do that road trip you were supposed to do with your dad?”

“Do you mean it?! You’d want to?!”

I stroked my chin.

“Why the hell not?”

Liz jumped up from the couch and hopped around excitedly.

“Hey, calm down. If we’re driving your shit-mobile, I’ll have to fix a few things. Gotta see if it would even be able to handle it. Did you have it planned out? Which states you wanna see?”

“Oh, it’ll be fine, and if anything happens on the road, you’re a mechanic!”

I frowned.

“Can’t revive something that dies, but I think it should hold up. I’ll have to see.”

“And yes! The original plan was that I was going to drive the ZJ and meet my dad in Seattle since it’s only like a two-hour drive. Then we would keep my car in a garage while we did the rest of the trip in his nice, expensive, functioning car to Portland, San Fran, then LA!”

“Okay, I’m not sure it would make it all the way to LA, but—“

“That’s fine! I’ll be happy to see any of it! When can we go?”

Then I remembered something. Genius, Jacob, just genius.

“After I inspect the thing. But wait, there’s kinda something else.”

“What is it?”

“I sort of don’t have a passport on me,” I muttered, rubbing the back of my neck.

She raised an eyebrow.

“Huh? How did you even get here in the first place then?”

I stared down at my hands.

“There’s kind of a few…undefended entry points along the border. Super easy to get past.”

“Um, what? I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just bring your passport with you?”

Ughhhh. Having to explain things to non-wolf humans was exhausting sometimes.

“I forgot it. Just trust me, it isn’t a big deal. Plus, I’m a US citizen; I gotta get back somehow, right? Well, this is the only way.”

“I don’t know, Jacob…”

“I swear it will be fine. Neither of us will be at risk. Trust me, if I thought we were, I wouldn’t be so confident. You wanna go, yeah?”

“Yes, but-“

“Wanna go early tomorrow morning?”

Her eyes lit up despite her obvious hesitation.

“Really?! Tomorrow?”

——

At around 5 AM, I finished replacing a few things on the ZJ and took it out for a drive. It was in decent enough shape to do a trip. We probably weren’t going to get down to LA, but it was the best it was gonna get.

I pulled into her driveway and slipped out of the car. Liz was already outside with her suitcase, yawning. Her hair was bunched together in one big braid over her shoulder. She wore a turquoise sweater with white skinny jeans and turquoise boots, a major contrast from my black t-shirt and black jeans.

“You all packed?” I asked, grabbing the suitcase handle. “Got your passport?”

“Yes! Should be everything. I might’ve packed more than needed, but it’s always better to overpack than under pack.”

The thing was busting at the seams. I’m not even sure how it zipped up.

“Alright, let’s go.”

I tossed the suitcase in the trunk as she got in the driver's seat.

When I climbed in beside her, Liz looked nervous.

I thought I eased her nerves about this yesterday, but today was clearly a new day.

“Are you really sure about this?”

“God, Liz, yes, for the millionth time.”

“Okay, okay. What’s the street name I’m dropping you off at?”

“Beach Road. It’s the last road before customs, by the forest. I’ll direct you to it.”

Liz was quiet and unsteady for the entire 5-minute drive. I really didn’t want to make her anxious, but I understood why she was. I’d be worried too if my absurdly big human friend told me he was trying to sneak past border patrol. Honestly, I’m shocked she even agreed to this, but Liz was kinda fucking weird, so I guess it made sense.

She slowed down when we reached the road right by the water at the very edge of the forest. Cautiously, she looked around out the rear window. If I were actually hopping the border, we would’ve looked super sus right now.

“Right here? How far is the border? Will you have to walk very far?” she asked.

“Okay, so listen. You’ll pass the border and show them your passport; they’ll ask some questions, but don’t be nervous; you don’t have anything to hide. Plus, they do this all day. Then you’re going to drive to the Chevron in Blaine, Washington. Put it in the GPS. That’s where you’ll meet me.”

“How long will it take you to get there?”

I contemplated this because I knew I couldn’t be there before her, so I had to drag it out a bit.

“It’ll probably take me an hour. So just get some gas, wait in the lot.”

That should’ve been enough time for a human to walk that far. I think?

“O-okay. What if you’re not there in an hour?”

“I’ll be there, don’t worry. If I never show up, then go live it up in Cali. Means they took my ass in.” I snorted.

“Jacob!”

“Live a little, Liz. I promise it’ll be fine. I’m gonna get going now. See you in an hour. Maybe less, I dunno, I’ll be running. I’m, uh, a fast runner.”

“Okay. See you,” she said with unease.

I grabbed my backpack from the floor and ducked out the car door, closing it behind me. She turned down the road that was nestled between two thick forests, which I then jogged into.

I went deep enough in the forest where no one could see me, stripped off my clothes, and stuffed them in my backpack. Seagulls chirped overhead; it almost sounded like they were laughing at me. Feeling way too exposed in an area that was likely highly monitored, I immediately threw myself forward to phase.

As always, it was effortless.

Taking the shoulder strap of my bag with my teeth, I headed straight past the trees. The forest didn’t stretch out too far—it ended at the Peace Arch—so I’d have to quickly and efficiently get out of the woods, down to the shore.

The best part of being a wolf?

The rules didn’t apply to you.

I ran fast, keeping myself on high alert for any humans in the area; luckily, it was just me and the dirt for now.

When I got to the edge of the narrow forest, I peered out to the highway just to my left. To the right was the shore.

I bolted down towards the beach without allowing myself to overthink. It wasn’t an actual beach though, just a skinny stretch of sand along the water. There shouldn’t be any humans further down, maybe some fishermen, if permitted. But there weren’t any last time, so hopefully, I wouldn’t have to scare the hell out of anyone today.

I propelled my paws faster, kicking up the sand behind me.

This was the riskiest part. Coming up to the left was the US border crossing. Did they have guards all around, even in the ocean? You’re damn right. I just had to be quick enough for them to either: One. Not see me. Two. Have them think they saw me and then realize they were fucking crazy for seeing a gigantic wolf running by the ocean. Or Three. If they saw me and decided to go after me, I would outrun them.

The beach was also lower down than the highway, so people in their cars weren’t likely to see me; if they did, well, at least they’d have a story to tell. Being alpha made it easier to not give a fuck about stuff like that as much now.

It stretched on for a bit, probably another 5 minutes of running until I hit the edge of the shoreline where the trees would shield me again.

I heard boat horns in the distance, so I pushed myself faster through the sand until I made my way into the small patch of green at the water's edge.

When I was safe in the middle of the trees, I spit out the backpack on the ground and phased back. Quickly, I dumped out my clothes from the bag and pulled them on.

It was completely possible that I beat Liz. There could’ve been a line of traffic, or the agents could’ve been giving her a hard time. Since, in her world, it wouldn’t be humanly possible for me to be there before her, I now had 40 minutes to kill.

—-

Liz looked like a deer in headlights when she saw me walking up to the ZJ in the Chevron parking lot. I gestured for her to get out of the car and to follow me inside the gas station mini-mart. She did, but she hesitantly trailed behind me.

“Why is your shirt on backward?” Liz whispered behind me as I opened the door to the store.

Goddamnit. I had all that time to kill yet…

“Tell you later.” Hopefully, she’d forget. “Pick out whatever snacks you want. Let’s load up.”

We collected armfuls of chips, cookies, trail mixes, donuts, jerky and other non-

nutritious snacks. I also fixed my shirt in the bathroom.

Liz still seemed a little paranoid when we checked out but seemed to ease up when we returned to the car.

“Ready?” I asked, adjusting the driver's seat and rearview mirror.

“Yes. I think we’re properly stocked up.”

When we were on the road, she repeatedly looked behind us.

“No one’s after us. Promise.”

“How did you do it? I mean, really, Jacob, I don’t understand. I have to be honest, I am nervous they’re tracking you and are now following the car.”

“It’s not possible. Trust.”

She exhaled.

“Okay. Okay. So you really just…hopped it?”

“Mhm.”

I put on the radio and skipped past the static till it landed on a metal station. I didn’t know the name of the song, but whatever it was, I’d heard it before—Embry had played it countless times in the garage.

Liz couldn’t stand it, but I reveled in her distaste for it as she stuffed her fingers in her ears. Halfway through the song, she switched it to a pop station, and I almost welcomed the obnoxious karaoke distraction that ensued.

One hour into the drive to Seattle, after a stretch of silence between us, she spoke.

“Jacob?”

“Yeah?“

“What part of Washington are you from?”

I stayed focused on the highway, adjusting my hunched-over position.

“Uh, it’s a ways away from here, about another four hours from Seattle, on the coast.”

She paused, picking at her nails.

“Why?”

I knew why she was asking. I couldn’t say it wasn’t in the back of my head, too. Passing the highway signs was starting to get to me.

“Maybe we could stop there? We could check on your dad? I also wanna see it!”

An image of the little rainy corner of the country, desolate and overrun by death itself, gnawed at my brain.

“There’s not much to see.”

“But Jacob, you know you can’t avoid them forever. Let’s just stop by!”

I sucked on my teeth and shook the thoughts of everything else that existed outside of La Push—the one safe space in the area. Could I even bring Liz there? Should I?

Maybe I could just see Billy and dodge everyone else. I wasn’t in the mood to explain that my alpha gene kicked in and all that. I could give Billy some cash and see if he needed anything.

But I know he’ll try to tell me what happened.

Charlie Swan’s house appeared in my mind. The windows were smashed, and the white panels were splattered with blackened blood. The door slowly opened, and she stood there, though it wasn’t really her, dragging her father’s corpse.

“I don’t know.”

“Come on, Jacob. We’re literally in Washington!”

“So?”

She sighed heavily.

“What I think would be best is if we stopped by to check on your dad and continued our trip, but then...on our way back, you go back home and stay. I’d be fine driving back to White Rock by myself.”

I looked at her for a second before turning back to the road.

“What?“

“Oh, Jacob, please! What’s your plan? You can’t stay away from your home forever.”

The agitation in her voice made me think about her dad and how I didn’t wanna be like him. I didn’t want her or anyone else to think I was like that. I didn’t want to do that to my old man, to my friends. I know my sisters dipped out after our mom died, but they didn’t keep anyone in the dark; they at least called in and visited.

“It isn’t your problem, Liz.”

“It is. Especially when I see you sleeping on benches in town!”

Goddamnit.

I pursed my lips, nodding.

“White Rock is small! A customer told me he saw you sleeping on the beach, too. Why haven’t you been staying in hotels like you said you were? You made enough money!”

There wasn’t a way I could explain that sleeping outside wasn’t a big deal for me, so I just said nothing.

“Well?”

I sighed, pulling my free hand down my face.

“I don’t know if I can go there yet.”

“Why? They’re your family.”

“Yeah, and they’re gonna be really pissed. But it’s not just that.”

There were only two possibilities, and in either case, I knew she likely wasn’t even there anymore. The cowards would’ve all moved by now. But I’d still feel her. Lingering.

The highway traffic started to pick up the closer we got to Seattle; the blaring horns rang too loud in my ears.

“I know that Jacob, I do. But you can’t let it ruin your relationships with your family and friends, the people who know what you’re going through.”

The blaring became louder and louder.

“You have to at least try. And I think you need to stay there.”

I felt the anger brewing in the pit of my stomach, hot and charged. I tried to contain the shaking that began.

“Hey.”

A jerkoff in a Prius cut me off. I held the horn down and gave him the finger.

“Calm down.”

“No. No, I can’t.” The tremors rocked through my arms, down to my fingertips. “You don’t fucking get it, Liz. You think it’s so easy for me to just walk on back home like nothing fucked up happened there.”

“I never said-“

“You think I’m a piece of shit 'cause you know how it feels to be walked out on. And yeah, you’re right, I am a piece of shit for that, but if I didn’t do that, didn’t get the fuck out of there, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

The cars surrounding us felt like they were closing in, the bumper-to-bumper traffic building. I felt trapped with nowhere to go. No way to phase. No way out of this conversation. And no way to stop everything I’ve been harboring inside myself from surfacing.

“Do you know what it’s like to tell someone they’re going to die, but they laugh in your face? They know it, but they don’t care. They welcome it. They want it. They love you, but it’s not enough to change a fucking thing. And it’s all for nothing in the end.”

“Jacob-“

“I’m barely getting by. Fuck, I try! I try to be fucking alright, to pretend that I didn’t lose the most important person in my life. But I did! I did, and I lose her again every single time I wake up.”

“Listen to me!”

“It fucking killed her. I tried to stop it; I tried so hard. Goddamnit, I tried.” My voice trailed off, and the taillights of the car in front of me blurred.

“There was nothing you could have done. Don’t blame yourself.”

“You don’t know shit, Liz. So please, for the love of god, just let me pretend, just for a little bit. Let me pretend none of it happened.”

The tremors lessened when the traffic started to pick up, and I could put my energy into focusing on merging.

“I say this because you’re my friend, and I care. It doesn’t work like that. That isn’t a healthy way to grieve. I may not have been in your exact situation, but I’ve lost people too.”

“And how would you suggest I grieve instead, huh? Go to a stupid ass support group?”

“Well, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. And not all support groups are stupid; they can really help people. But besides that, I’m more so talking about the fact that you’re trying to run from it and bury how you’ve been feeling. Pretending it didn’t happen will only make things feel worse in time. I mean, look how it’s manifesting!”

“What’s that mean?”

“Um, you’re visibly very upset. Shaking. Terrified of the thought of going home to your family. It’s not good!”

“Yeah, well, none of it is good.”

“Will you knock that off? Actually just listen to me for a minute.”

She paused, and I gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“None of this will help you in the long run, but okay, fine, say you don’t care about yourself right now; think of the people who love you. Really, really, think of them. Think of how it’s breaking their heart that you left while in such a bad mental state. They’ve got to be worried sick about you!”

I tried to listen.

“What happened is devastating; I don’t even need to know all the details. But the more you keep it in and avoid it, the more it wears on you. I see it in your face. That’s when it becomes you. Don't let it become you. And don't give up on those that love you.”

I exhaled, extinguishing some of the lingering anger in my gut.

“Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?.”

“You pick yourself up as best you can and continue on. You feel the pain and sit with it for as long as you need. You try to see the positive in everything.”

“Dunno about that last part.”

“Okay, well, just try. It’s all that we have control over. Being grateful for what we do have! So many people have families that don’t care about them. You’re in a beautiful and lucky situation where they do.”

The traffic broke up a bit more, and I had more room on the road.

“I hear you.”

“Do you really, though?”

“Yeah. I do.”

I did.

“Does going home still sound so bad?”

“Yeah, it still does.”

“Oh.”

Running away was useless. It didn’t make me feel anything any less. The pain was etched into everything. Everywhere I turned, it found me. It didn’t matter where I was. That was the hard truth I had to accept.

When I broke half the bones in my body, they needed to be rebroken to heal. It was excruciating, way worse than the original break, but it had to be done, or they wouldn’t have set right, and I would’ve been fucked.

What I’ve been doing hasn’t been working, not really.

I knew I had to know.

Knowing will rebreak me all over again, but maybe I’ll be able to set myself right. What do they call it? Closure?

“Alright.”

“Alright?”

“Yeah. We’ll visit my dad.”

—-

The city was dreary, more so than Canada, and it looked like it was gonna rain. The bustle was at least a little bit of a distraction from the anxiety I felt about going back home after a month. Which I guess I was really doing.

Liz had pressed her face against the window when we drove through the city in pure excitement. It made me wonder how often she actually got out of the house. But it also reminded me how she had a sorta childlike quality to her, which was probably why it was hard to stay angry or miserable around her.

The first place she dragged me to was a fish market where a couple of burly dudes threw some fish around. Supposedly, it was a thing people sought out to see cause there was a crowd of tourists watching in awe, including Liz, taking videos. What was the point of it? I couldn’t fucking tell you.

Then, we wandered through Pike Place Market, stopping at every stall to try the food samples in small white cups on the trays. Took near damn everything in me to not take the whole tray of the mini garlic breads. It was all nice and distracting till we stumbled into a shop that sold handcrafted dreamcatchers that reminded me too much of everything.

Liz noticed something was up and asked to grab some coffee at the original Starbucks that was nearby.

"So, what do you want?" Liz asked as we finally reached the counter.

"Just coffee," I shrugged, scanning the menu. "Black, I guess.”

The barista nodded while Liz stepped on my foot. She looked…actually mad?

“Of all the choices?! There are so many fun ones! Look,” she exclaimed, pointing to a sign behind the barista's head. “There’s seasonal flavors! Iced apple crisp, pumpkin spice latte, salted pecan frappe. Won’t you get something fun?”

I rolled my eyes and gestured to the long ass line behind us. “Can you just order?”

“Ugh! Fine.” She turned back to the barista and smiled brightly as if she didn’t just have a tantrum. “I’ll get an iced pecan crunch latte with oat milk, double pump of caramel, extra crunchies on top, and a pecan cookie, please. Thank you.”

I rubbed my temples as I inched away from Liz—pretending I didn’t know her—over to the end counter.

“You’re so boring, Jacob,” she muttered when we scooted into high-top seats by the front window after we got our drinks.

“And you’re so. Hmm. What’s the word…oh yeah, nuts.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Wanna try any of this?”

“Nah. Enjoy your themed food.”

“You know I love everything to be a theme.”

The caffeine didn’t make me feel anything—it burned off before it could affect me. Liz, on the other hand, if it were even fucking possible, seemed to already be more uppity.

"This trip will be good for you, I think," she beamed, looking at me over the rim of her cup.

I snorted. "Yeah, nothing like Washington to really bring out the sunshine in my soul."

“Well, this is just the first stop. Then, after your dad’s, we have the whole coast to explore!”

I looked out the window, watching the people, the dogs on leashes, the cars passing by. A couple was lovingly sharing a cup of coffee. Ugh. Why couldn’t they each get one?

I looked down into my cup, stirring the black liquid.

"Look, I know going home is going to be hard, but you can do it. I promise. I think it will be good. You will be good. And I’m here for you, Jacob.”

I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Yeah. Thanks, Liz. Sorry for all that before.”

“It’s okay.”

“We could get up there tonight if we leave here early enough. Get a free place to sleep, I guess.”

“Oh yeah. We haven’t even thought of where we’d stay!”

“My place is pretty small, but you can sleep in my room, and I’ll crash on the couch.”

“Hey, no, that’s not fair. I don’t want to take your bed. You’d be too cramped on the couch!”

“Nah, I could sleep on rocks. It’s fine.”

We spent the next couple of hours wandering through the city, popping into more stores (that she dragged me into) and sampling street food. Liz kept on her endless yapping, which honestly was soothing. She didn’t seem to mind that I was quieter than usual.

By the time noon rolled around, it was raining, and we were on our way back to the car.

"Hey," she said, nudging me with her elbow.

“It’s going to be fine, Jacob. I promise.”

We slid back in the car, and my fingers hovered over the GPS. This time, I input La, Push, Washington, and pressed start. It was surreal to see that in only 5 hours and 20 minutes, I’d be back in the place I always called home. I think I almost forgot it was possible to go back.

I backed out of the spot and followed the GPS out of the parking garage, down the city streets, back onto the highway.

It was time to stop being the coward that ran away. It was time to stop being that little kid who hid in the closet. It was time to see if La Push was still my home.

Chapter Text

“Happy Birthday, Bells,” Charlie said, placing a plate of hot pancakes in front of me. A couple of them were burnt, but the strawberries and syrup drizzled on top masked the darker bits enough. “Nineteen, wow. I can’t believe it.”

“Neither can I.”

And it was true. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that I was spending my birthday still very much human, in Charlie’s kitchen.

“I hope they taste okay. I followed some recipe online.”

I picked up my fork, cut into the stack, and ate over the plate, ensuring not to drip any syrup in my lap.

Charlie sat down across from me, waiting for my feedback.

Aside from the occasional chunks of flour and burnt pieces, they tasted decent.

“They’re great, Dad. Thank you, really.”

He couldn’t hold back a smile, his eyes scrunching up with satisfaction.

“I know they don’t look all that pretty, so that’s good to hear. Do you want your present now?”

“Come on, you didn’t have to get me anything,” I protested, mid-chew.

“Course I did. I’ll get it set up for you.”

“Set up?!”

He smirked and got out of the seat. The keys in his uniform pocket rattled as he jogged out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

The dread I usually felt on my birthday didn’t hit me yet. Maybe it was because I honestly forgot what day it was until Charlie reminded me. Really, it just felt like another day.

I dragged a forkful of pancake through the syrup, ensuring each bite included some strawberries, which acted as a refresher from the artificial sweetness.

“Bells! Come up!”

After devouring the rest of my breakfast, I clumsily got up to place the sticky dish in the sink.

I wasn’t sure why he couldn’t just bring the gift down here, but I didn’t want him to be any later to work, so I quickly made my way up the stairs. I found him in my room, sitting on my bed, smiling even bigger than before.

My eyes didn’t spot it until he pointed to my dresser. Atop it was a brightly lit, medium-sized fish tank.

“Fish?!”

I crossed over to level myself with the tank to get a closer look.

The multicolored, iridescent fish that waded through the water looked like living flowers with how their fins moved.

“What kind are they?”

“Siamese fighting fish, bettas.”

“They’re amazing,” I said in awe.

“And aggressive. I had to make sure there were enough hiding spots for them. Otherwise, they go crazy and fight each other.”

On top of the black pebbles sat a few different aquarium ornaments. A big purple castle was in the center, a desert scene in the corner with cacti and bull skulls, and a little black cat with glasses reading a book toward the back.

I looked back at Charlie while pointing at the tank. “You picked those out?”

“Yeah, that’s what they’ll hide in. I got the desert cause of, well, Phoenix. The castle cause it looked like one of them romance castles, and I know you like those books. And if you were an animal, I think you’d be a cat.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. I peered back down to see the fish swimming in and out of the castle as if they were already used to it.

“How long have you had them?”

“Couple days. Got 'em when you were at work and kept the tank in my room. Do you like it?”

In response, I went over to hug him. The bulkiness of his uniform made it difficult to wrap my arms fully around him, but I squeezed as tight as I could.

“It’s perfect, Dad. I love it.”

“Woah there, kid, you’re about to crack one of my ribs!”

“Sorry, sorry.”

I pulled back to see Charlie’s face turn beat red, fighting a smile.

We observed the fish weaving in and out of the flowing green plants while he explained more about their breed, what to feed them, and how often.

I pulled him in for another hug.

“Thank you.”

“Of course, Bells. I’m glad you like it.”

Pulling back, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked down.

“Well, I mean, in general, for everything. I know I haven't made things very easy in the past year and a half—I've given you a hard time. So, thank you for putting up with all of that. I know all you've wanted was for me to be okay.”

He cleared his throat.

“Well, of course.”

“I just want to say that you're a great dad, and I don't say it enough. And…and I love you.”

I needed him to know that was true.

“I love you too, kid. You’re my whole world.”

Charlie and I have always been introverted and awkward, so it wasn’t easy to express things like this, but I was glad when we could.

“Alright, Bells, I better get going.”

“Yes, go, go. Don’t be any later.”

“We’ll order dinner before cake at Billy’s later. Pick out whatever you want.”

“Okay. Bye, Dad.”

“See you later, kiddo. Make sure to feed them in a few hours.”

He left my room, closing the door behind him.

When I heard the cruiser rev and drive away, a shiver of panic ripped through me. It happened every time Charlie left the house now.

Really, it was the feeling of helplessness that caused the panic. The thought of him being somewhere else where I couldn’t be. The thought of the Volturi prematurely coming to Forks…

Easily, they could crush his police cruiser with barely any effort at all. They could make him disappear.

I shook my head, forcing the thoughts out.

I tried not to let the fear overwhelm me. Fear that at any moment, they’d be here. I knew Edward would warn me, but the Volturi were unpredictable.

After I saw Edward last and nearly totaled the Mercedes—though I'm not sure it would have even crashed—I drove down to the reservation.

I told them everything that Edward had told me. Warned them, potentially, because what I was truly worried about was putting them in danger, not just the pack but also their families and everyone else. They needed to know, and they needed to be on high alert.

They had to make sure they were ahead in any way that they could be.

Sam told me they’d already been in anticipation of something happening, whether it was me being bitten, a possible war with the Cullens, depending on how rabid I turned out to be, or something like this. He didn’t seem surprised by what I told him, just exhausted.

Sam assured me they didn’t blame me and that I had made the right choice by not becoming one of them. They all placed the blame on the Cullens.

The wolves seemed to view me as a victim, which I didn’t feel was entirely accurate. I did have a part in this too.

But I had come to terms with the fact that Edward had placed me here and put me in this position. And that realization was painful and harsh. I didn’t like that Edward planned to make a deal with the Volturi, but that was the only option, and I had to have hope that it would be for the best.

I wanted to get out of this alive.

I wanted everyone else to get out of this alive.

So we will.

I couldn’t dwell on the other possibilities. Not now.

Since I knew she would call me later, I figured I’d call Renee now while she was on her lunch break. Our conversations lately have been less and less frequent since she’s been busy teaching again.

I usually waited for her to call me because, typically, if I called her, she would be in the middle of doing something, or I wouldn't have her full attention.

She picked up after the fourth ring.

“Hi, baby. I'm on break. Is everything okay?”She asked with the blaring radio of her car muffling her words.

“Can you lower that? I can’t hear you very well.”

“Oh, yes, sorry, sorry. What's up? Everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine.”

“Why are you calling, honey?”

“Mom, does something have to be wrong in order for me to call you?” I laughed half heartedly.

“No, no, of course not. It’s just early over there!”

“I just wanted to talk to say hi. It’s my birthday, and I knew you would call later, but I won’t be home.”

“Oh my gosh! Happy Birthday, Bella! I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t forget. I’m just thrown off right now, being sick and still in work mode. My gift should be getting there in the next few days!”

“That’s okay, how's work been?”

“Oh, you know how it is. It's always crazy and hectic. Already got sick for the first week back. Happens every year. The classroom is like a petri dish.”

We both laughed.

“I definitely don’t miss that.”

“Yep, Phil's not too thrilled about it. He had to cancel a trip this week because of it.”

“How's Phil doing? Besides being sick.”

“Oh, he's good, honey. He's good. We'd love it if you would come here sometime. You know, last time I saw you, it was cut so short.”

I began to pace around the perimeter of my room.

“I know. Um, I’m back at work now, so I’m not sure when I could go there just yet.”

“Are you sure everything's okay, Bella? I promise I didn’t forget it was your birthday. I hope you believe me!”

“I’m fine, really, I just wanted to say hi.”

“So you’re back at work. Are you sure you didn't wanna start college?”

“Well, it's already too late. It'll have to be next year if I go. I need to save up some money anyway.”

“Okay, well. You'll figure it out. You always do.”

Was that true?

“How's Charlie?”

I cleared my throat. “He's good. He got me pet fish for my birthday.”

“Oh, how thoughtful! I’m glad he’s good; I was a little worried about him, sweetie. He called me, upset, a few weeks ago.”

“Hm.”

“You know, I kind of hope…well, I've had a thought in the back of my head, and I hope it's not true, but I hope that your running away like that wasn't inherited from me.”

“No, Mom, that has nothing to do with it.”

“Are you sure? I was just so shocked that you did run. I mean, you and Edward were like—“

“Mom, why did you… Why did you leave? So soon? Why didn't you wait to see me one last time before you went home?”

She paused.

Either she was focused on the road, or she was actually thinking about what I asked; I wasn't entirely sure.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why did you go so soon?”

“Bella, you wouldn't have seen me. You were too upset. I didn't want to bother you.”

“But did you feel the need to?”

“I-I didn't think much about it, sweetheart.

I just figured that you wanted to be alone, and you would figure it out and come to me when you needed me.”

I nodded my head, biting my lower lip.

“Okay. I get it. It’s because I'm stubborn and keep everyone out.”

Renee chuckled over the line. “You're just like your father, Bella. You're in your head far too much, very dramatic. But you stay quiet. You ruminate a lot. You know, I think that meditation would be good for you.”

Something about her dismissive tone just sent me over the edge.

“Mom, maybe I don't need meditation; maybe I just need you to listen to me.”

“I am listening—“

“Don’t you see that there’s a disparity here? I’m your daughter. Yes, I’m stubborn. Yes, I’m highly independent. But I need a mom sometimes. I don’t have everything figured out like you think I do.”

“Maybe not everything, but you’re a smart girl.”

“Well, I almost just became a teenage bride.”

“And that was your decision, Bella. You insisted it was the right choice for you.”

“Well, it wasn’t, I know that now and I’m glad I do. I just feel that ever since I was little, I had to grow up fast, and I think it made me rush into decisions.”

“Grow up fast?”

“Um, yes? I was basically the adult of the household as a child. I did your books for work when I was 10!”

“You did, but it’s because you’re better at that stuff than me. What does this have to do with anything?”

I sighed and massaged my forehead.

“My point is that sometimes I just need to be a teenager. But I don’t think I ever got to be a kid.”

“I had no idea you felt like this.”

“Why didn't you stay, mom?”

“Bella, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I guess I don’t really know either.”

There was a stretch of silence between us, but the honking horns filled her side of the line.

“I'm sorry,” she said with a hint of sadness. “You're right, baby. You never really had a chance to be a kid, and I'm to blame for some of that. I just, I'm all over the place. You know that.”

I sighed.

“You are a brilliant, brilliant girl, wise beyond your age,” she continued. “Everyone knows that. You're way smarter than me, Bella. I never wanted you to feel unsupported. Maybe I'm not the best mom. I always knew I wasn't mother material. I won't lie to you about that. But I did my best, okay? And I'm sorry that I didn't stay.”

“It’s okay.”

“I just didn't want to pry. I always worry about you.”

“I know.”

“Alright, honey. Well, listen, I have to go. I'm sorry. Phil is calling me, and I'm sure he's gonna be telling me that I have to pick up something from the store.”

“Okay.”

“I hear everything you're saying, baby. Okay? Really, I’ll try to be better.”

“Okay, mom. I love you.”

“I love you too, Bella. Never, ever forget that, okay? Even if I have been the way that I am, it's true. How about I come there and see you?”

“I, no, not now.”

“Oh, okay. Are you sure?”

“Yes, um, I'll come see you, I need some sun again. I’ll tell you when, but not now; I'm back at work and everything, and plus, you're sick.”

“Alright, we'll figure it out. And I hope that I can show you that I can be better.

Even if it might be a little late for that.”

“No, it's not. It's never too late.”

“Happy Birthday, Bella. I love you.”

“Love you, mom.”

I hung up the call.

Where did that even come from? I’ve been stressed out, sure, but was I stressed more than usual?

I meant what I said, but I’m not sure the timing was great. Suddenly, I felt a little stupid for bringing any of that up. Why couldn’t I just let it be a typical birthday call? Luckily, Renee was forgetful, and I hoped she’d just forget that conversation.

It was 9AM and I wanted to clear my mind by cleaning my room. I made my bed, vacuumed the carpet, did the laundry, dusted.

Simple, human things.

After I folded and put away a load of laundry, I got the alcohol spray and sprayed my mirror, which was dusty and full of my fingerprints. I hummed along to the Linkin Park that belted out of my speakers.

When I finished cleaning the mirror, I pulled away the rag, stepped back, and looked into it.

It was easy not to care about how I looked most of the time, to forget, even. But I couldn't help but appreciate how long my hair had gotten. It nicely framed my face, which looked fuller and softer than it did a month ago.

No wrinkles appeared on my forehead, only very, very slight smile lines. Instinctively, I rubbed my finger across my skin, attempting to smooth them out.

But then I dropped my hand.

Those little lines indicated that I laughed, that I felt happy. Why should I want to erase those?

Nineteen was an age I never wanted to reach; it was a genuine fear. I feared looking older, having wrinkles, changing, growing. But nineteen was young. My face hadn’t changed much at all from a few years prior. And even if it had…so?

It was all ridiculous and superficial, something I knew I honestly wasn’t.

Moving around in the mirror, I knew that I liked the olive striped Henley shirt and simple blue jeans I wore. They fit me right and suited me. I felt comfortable in my clothes. I liked how they shaped my body. I liked that I chose them. I didn’t need anything more expensive or flashy to feel good.

I leaned closer and looked into my eyes. Charlie's eyes. My father's eyes.

Chocolate brown. I liked them. They didn't need to be otherworldly red or golden in order for them to be beautiful, to be good enough. They were pretty.

I was.

And yes, that was going to fade. I’m only now nineteen, and I’ll only be getting older. Deep lines would form in my skin, and my eyes would become glassy like Gran’s.

But that's okay. In fact, I’d be lucky.

My cell phone rang in my pocket.

I pulled it out with a sigh, expecting it to be Renee again, and put it to my ear, ready to apologize for our conversation prior.

“Bella?”

“Oh, hey, Quil.” I fixed my hair before tearing away from the mirror. “What's up?”

“Have you seen Embry?” His voice was impatient, erratic.

“Embry? Why would I—“

“So, no?”

“No. Why? What's going on?”

“We can't find him. He's missing.”

“What?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, when did you notice that he was gone?”

“We don't know exactly. We haven't seen him for a couple days but didn’t think much of it.”

“Did his mom say anything?”

“She said the same. She stopped noticing when he was there or not. She also hasn't seen him in a few days.”

“Um, okay, do you want me to help look?”

“No. We’re going to go look now.”

“Okay, please keep me updated.”

“Yeah, I'll try.”

“I just don’t understand…”

“I don't know. It doesn't make sense. Look, I gotta go. You could come by now; keep my mom company if you want.”

“Um, sure, yeah.”

“Just be careful, okay?”

“What? Why should—“

“We don't know what's going on. All we know is that you're the one that always gets roped into everything. Just watch your back, just in case. We haven't smelled any vampires or anything, though.”

“I’ll be vigilant.”

“Alright, I gotta go.”

“Okay. Bye, Quil. Be careful.”

I rolled up to the Ateara home, my stomach sinking when I noticed Old Quil’s car in the driveway. I almost turned around and drove back home, but Joy was already at the door, waving for me to come in.

Reluctantly, I parked and climbed out of the car, feeling anxious as I walked up to the door. Joy opened it for me, smiling warmly as always.

“Come in, birthday girl!”

I blushed, looking down at my sneakers.

“Thanks, Joy.”

Upon entering the house, Old Quil was sitting on the couch, in the spot that I typically sat in when I came by. Usually, he stayed upstairs or he wasn’t home.

He wore a dark green button-down with a gray vest overtop and brown corduroy pants. White, long hair was tied off to the side under his camo print ball cap.

I awkwardly waved.

“Um, hello.”

He stared at me through his thick glasses with a blank expression.

Clearly, he did not want me here.

I looked to Joy, who raised her eyebrows at him, gesturing for him to speak.

He didn’t.

“I, um, I can, I can go...”

“Don’t be silly; you just got here,” she said.

“Really, it’s okay. Quil told me—“

“Stay,” Old Quil said flatly. His face remained blank.

It was the first word he’d ever said to me.

Joy nodded. “Sit, Bella. I’ll make some tea,” she said, heading to the kitchen.

“Okay, thanks.”

I sat in Joy’s usual seat on the couch and stared into my lap. I felt Quil’s grandfather's eyes on me, causing heat to creep up my neck.

Did he actually want me to stay, or was he just being polite? I couldn’t imagine why he wouldn’t want me to leave. Feeling unwelcome wasn’t new for me, but I hated feeling as if I was intruding.

“You have eyes for magic,” he muttered. My head shot up, and I must have looked like a deer in headlights.

“I-I’m sorry?”

“You have eyes for magic,” he repeated.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“You draw it in.” He lightly patted his chest with his palm. “Follows you.”

“I guess that’s true, but I don’t know why.”

He cleared his throat gruffly.

“You have some of your own.”

His voice was indifferent, so I wasn’t sure if what he was saying was meant to be negative.

I didn’t know what to say to that and didn’t want to say the wrong thing, so I didn’t respond.

Luckily, Joy came back into the room, setting two steaming mugs on the coffee table. She stirred them both with the tea bags.

“It’s hot, give it a few minutes. Cranberry orange and chamomile. You pick.”

“Thanks so much, Joy.”

“Anything for the birthday girl!”

I blushed again.

Joy looked bright and glowing as always. The brown embroidered maxi dress she wore hung elegantly over her full figure. It matched perfectly with her beaded necklace and earrings.

“It seems like we may not be celebrating later, but hopefully, they will find Embry soon.”

“Yes, they’ll find him, I just hope it’s sooner rather than later and that he’s okay. What do you think happened?”

“I’m not sure. Embry has always been a little…rebellious. Even when he was a child. But he keeps to himself a bit more. It’s possible he may have run away for a few days. He fights with his mother a lot.”

I could definitely see that. It must have been difficult having a mother that didn’t know what he was.

“Quil sounded really upset on the phone.”

“He was. They’re very close.”

The way Quil looked at Embry by the bonfire flashed in my mind.

I nodded and grabbed the cup of tea off the table.

The energy in the Ateara home was different today, quieter, as if we were waiting for something, which I suppose we were. We were waiting for someone to come through the door and tell us that all was well, that Embry was safe. Until then, we distracted ourselves.

Old Quil retreated back to his bedroom upstairs, but I didn’t think it was to avoid me, I simply think he was a very tired old man. The anxiety I felt about being there fizzled out a little after he’d spoken to me.

Joy was an excellent host and did her best to make me feel special on my birthday. She put on Pride and Prejudice while we played a few rounds of a card game called SPIT. During the game, we would crack up in laughter because of how frustrating it got. When she laughed, I noticed the smile lines on her face, but they only reminded me of how her smile was deeply infectious.

She also wasn’t afraid to ask me about the obvious things that were going on, but she did so in a way that made me feel comfortable. It wasn’t difficult to talk to her about what I’d been feeling; really, it was a relief. She listened. But mostly, she understood.

When I expressed my fear of her or anyone else coming in harm's way, she only smiled and said she had faith in her son and the rest of the pack.

By the time 5 o’clock hit, Joy called Billy to tell him that since Quil hadn’t returned, we’d have to do my birthday another time. We couldn’t risk having Charlie come down to La Push under the current circumstances. Billy would then call Charlie to tell him everyone here had caught a nasty bug.

Entirely unexpectedly, Joy brought out the birthday cake she had already baked for me, singing. A few lit pink candles stuck out of the cake, their flames wavering until she set it down on the table.

“Make a wish, Bella!”

Old Quil peered into the kitchen, and they both watched as I blew the candles out.

I wish to see twenty.

The three of us sat at the small kitchen table and dug into the decadent chocolate cake.

“Holy crow, Joy, this is delicious.”

“You can have the recipe, sweetie. It’s rich, isn’t it?”

I nodded, forking more cake in my mouth, savoring it.

Simple human pleasures.

Right now, I couldn’t imagine living over a hundred years and not being able to eat cake or any sort of sweets again. How did that never hit me before? Perhaps it was because I hadn’t had Joy’s cake yet.

After finishing the cake and helping Joy clean up in the kitchen, I realized it was getting late.

“I better get going now. I need to do dinner with Charlie, even though I just had cake.”

“Cake before dinner is sometimes a little necessary,” she said, smiling. “Go ahead, sweetie.”

“I hope they come back soon,” I said, pulling on my sneakers.

“They will, don’t worry too much, okay?”

She walked me to the door and gave me a firm hug.

“I’ll try.”

“Happy Birthday,” mumbled Old Quil, who had been silently sitting on the couch.

Again, I was taken aback by him speaking to me.

“T-thank you, and thank you for having me.”

He nodded.

When I stepped outside, a heavy gust of wind blew over, slightly bending the nearby trees. The clouds overhead had darkened, almost completely shrouding the setting sun, making the sky feel low and heavy.

I hurried to the car, making sure to heat myself up a bit before pulling away down the road.

As I continued driving, I neared a corner with a small glimpse of the beach in sight. Walking slowly along the sand was a familiar silhouette.

Quil.

What on earth was he doing here? Why didn’t he go home?

Instantly, I veered the car to the side of the road and pulled to a stop. I knew he must have heard me slam the door against the wind, but he didn’t look up and kept walking to where I could no longer see him.

I hobbled down onto the beach; the sand was difficult to walk on in my old sneakers. The wind kicked up harshly, causing my hair to blow wildly around me, obscuring my sight.

“Quil!”

He got far ahead already, and he didn’t turn around to look at me. Frustrated and confused, I attempted to jog against the gusts and thick sand under my feet.

“Hey! Wait!”

I almost expected him to start running away from me, so it was a surprise when he plopped down on the sand in defeat. Still, he didn’t look in my direction, only out at the waves.

When I caught up to him, I kept a distance, remaining a few steps away to give him space.

He wore no shirt or shoes, only a pair of shorts. His curly hair whipped backward, revealing his agonized face.

“Quil. What’s going on?”

He shook his head before letting his face fall into his palms. He started to sob.

I started to panic.

Did something happen to Embry?

I knelt down beside him and shook his arm.

“Hey! Quil, look at me! What’s going on?” I called out, trying to be louder than the elements. “What happened?”

My attempts at pulling his hands from his face were futile; he was much too strong. But after a few attempts, he pulled his hands away himself, pulled me in for a hug and cried onto my shoulder.

“We-we couldn’t find him. Anywhere.”

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay.”

He shook his head again.

“Remember he was talking about leaving?” I began. “Maybe he did go look for Jake—“

“No! He told me he wasn’t gonna bother looking for him. He’s been completely fine since we got the call from Jake. He had no intentions of running away anymore.”

“Well, Joy said that he fights with his mom a lot, maybe that’s—“

“Tiffany told us that they haven’t been fighting as much. Something is wrong Bella. I can feel it!”

His body started to convulse, so much so that I felt the vibrations through my body.

I wrapped my arms around him and tried to rock him.

“Breathe, Quil, breathe. It’s only been one day. He’s going to come back.”

“I should be out there looking for him, but I’m a weak idiot who can’t control my own thoughts.” He blubbered.

“What are you talking about? You are not a weak idiot, you care!”

“Too much. I care too much. And they all know now.”

He tore himself away from me and covered his face.

“He’s your best friend, of course you care. They already knew that. They all care too!”

“Yeah, but—“

“No, there’s nothing wrong with caring!”

“There is.”

“Stop it! That’s ridiculous.”

“It isn’t.”

“It is!” I exclaimed.

He pulled his knees to his chest, wiped the tears streaming down his face with the back of his hand, and looked up at the sky that grew an even darker grey.

“Bella, I love him.”

Though he looked defeated and devastated, he seemed relieved to have said it out loud.

I wasn’t shocked to hear this, but I was surprised by the sheer pain in his voice.

I reached for his hand, but he immediately withdrew.

“I-I know.”

He scoffed.

“Everyone does now.”

“Please, Quil, it’s okay.”

“It’s not. It’s not okay. I tried for so long…”

“Tried what?”

“To keep it to myself.”

I looked down at my fingers, not wanting to ask anything that would hurt him more in this fragile state. So I tried to word my question carefully.

“How were you able to do that? I mean, how were you able to not…think it when you were phased?”

I felt his body tighten beside me like an automatic response.

It took a moment for him to answer.

“For a while, I didn’t know what it was. I thought that he was just my friend, but I thought maybe it felt different with him because we were close since we were little.”

I knew what he was talking about all too well.

“But then, as we got older, I started to realize it. I knew. And it never went away. I don’t think it ever could. Anyway, I trained myself to not think about it. To push it so far down inside myself that it wouldn’t be possible to come up. I’ve mastered changing the subject, to reverting the thought into something else, seeing it like an intrusive thought that I absolutely could not entertain. Because I couldn’t. I can’t!”

He sighed heavily, seemingly out of a mix of relief and defeat.

“Because I can’t lose him. The thought…ruins me. So when we were just looking for him, when the overwhelming thought of him being gone, of losing him, came in the forefront of all of our minds. I couldn’t keep it down. I couldn’t control it.”

The wind picked up harder, and I had to speak louder to talk over it.

“How did they all respond?”

He swallowed hard, red creeping up into his face.

“All differently. Shocked, confused, well, besides Leah. She laughed about it and thought it was obvious. Sam thought about how “there’s always something new,” I guess because he’s still coming to terms with the fact Bry is his brother. I phased back before I could hear anymore.”

“That…doesn’t sound so bad. Because it’s not. You can’t control how you feel.”

“God, and what’s so stupid is that this doesn’t even matter! Embry is out there somewhere, and we don’t know where. I can’t even think about it. Bella, I can’t. I can’t …”

He began to shake again. I pulled him closer to me, rubbing his back.

“How do you deal with it? With Jake?”

The question hit me like a ton of bricks.

“You deal with that too. Jacob is your best friend.”

He looked up at my face, angry.

“Are you kidding me?”

“What?”

“I just poured my heart out about this and, unfortunately, to the whole pack, and you’re seriously going to try and pretend you don’t know what I meant by that?”

Now, I sighed heavily.

“I deal with it because I have to try to imagine that he’s happier elsewhere, far away from me. Plus, he called, and we know he’s alive. The situation is different. It doesn’t matter.”

Quil looked at me, horror distorting his features. The tears flowed again as his jaw shook.

“You don’t think Embry is alive?”

“Stop it, stop that! That isn’t what I meant! Of course, he’s alive, but I know you are worried to death that the worst happened.”

“Bella, I can’t. I-“

I gripped Quil’s shoulders and shook him a little bit.

“Calm down! We are going to find Embry, okay? I promise you, we will.”

“You can’t promise—“

“Stop it. Stop! We don’t have the time to think about the worst-case scenario right now, okay?” I pulled myself up on my feet, trying to drag him up with me.

“Come on. Let’s find him.”

Chapter Text

The time on the GPS kept winding down the further we got away from the Seattle traffic. I mean, it made sense. Nobody was coming up this way besides my stupid ass.

Time was moving too fast, but also in slow motion. Honestly, it was suffocating, like I was being choked by the numbers on the clock. The more the numbers ticked down, the more anxious I became. It felt like I was on my way to a funeral.

Though I'm sure, I already missed it.

There were a few times I considered turning back, and maybe I would’ve if I had been alone. I just had to keep reminding myself that I was going to see Billy, that’s it. I wasn't gonna drive around Forks. I wasn’t gonna pass by that white house. I was gonna go to La Push, and I was gonna see my dad. I had to stay focused on that.

Still, the sickness clawed itself through me cause, yeah, I was gonna see my dad, but, yeah, he was gonna tell me how it all went down. The reality of the situation will finally have its way with me. It’s been waiting, after all.

I knew that it was going to be so much worse. But I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering, guessing, or holding on to an impossible, pathetic sliver of hope. I needed to scrub that idea of hope out of my head. Preferably with bleach and a really abrasive brush.

Liz tried to keep me distracted, but she couldn't fully hold my attention, not now. I held my own because I didn't want to freak her out, though I felt like I was gonna burst at the seams.

She asked me again what I thought of the idea of me going home on the way back, and I still couldn’t say. It depended a lot on what it was gonna feel like. Part of me felt like she asked again cause she wanted me out of her hair. I’m not sure she’d be the type to tell me to fuck off if need be—she was too nice. We were friends, but maybe she realized I was out of her scope.

Plus, we did start on a weird note. Maybe she felt there was a time limit to our friendship.

And, yeah, I didn’t have a home in White Rock fucking Canada.

After our drive-thru dinner and multiple crusty roadside bathroom stops later (Liz has the bladder the size of a peanut), the passing signs along the highway indicated we were getting closer and closer. Then, by 5 PM, everything started to become familiar. I didn't need the GPS anymore.

At this time, my old man would probably be having his steak dinner. I just hoped it wasn't with Chief Swan.

We passed Sappho, then Beaver, then Shuwah. Forks was close, looming over like a dark cloud. Luckily, we wouldn’t have to drive through the godforsaken town to get to the rez.

I held my breath as I turned off the highway onto La Push Road.

My body seemed to reject being here, so much so that I dissociated on the short drive. The music on the radio became a muffling buzz in the background, the hum of the car now distant. The familiar trees that lined the roads started to thin, and the ocean waves sounded nearby.

“This is it, right?” Liz asked after the GPS announced that we’d arrived.

“Yeah.”

“This is really cute! Quiet. Well, relaxing.”

Slowly, I drove down Ocean Road. The waves crashed louder on the shore of First Beach which was just to the left of us now.

“So, where's your dad's house?”

“Couple roads down.”

“Well, why did you stop?”

To be honest, I didn't even realize that I stopped, but my foot was slammed down on the brake.

“I just. I gotta think about what I'm gonna say. I don't even know if he's home,” I said, tapping my fingers against the wheel.

“Jacob. Breathe. It's gonna be fine! They're gonna be so happy to see you. Let's just start by pulling up to the house.”

I nodded, exhaled, and gave myself a little shake to wake myself up. Then, I pulled my foot off the brake and continued driving down the road that I had driven down so many times before.

The small homes were exactly as I'd left them. The same things were splayed out on the lawns. Same cars parked in the street and driveways. Yet rolling in now was giving me a damn heart attack.

The old navy blue house I’d been in so many times sat at the end of the block.

Quil’s.

Again, I pressed my foot onto the brake without realizing till Liz said something.

“What is it?” she asked.

I hoped to God that Quil or Embry weren’t about to come out of the house. We were far enough down the road that they probably wouldn’t notice us, but what if they came out while I drove past? Would their nosey asses notice the unfamiliar ZJ and peek in to see the driver? I couldn’t have that.

I looked at Liz, confusion evident in her furrowed brows. She probably thought I was losing it.

“I don't know,” was all I could say.

Her brows relaxed, and her expression switched to pity, which was even worse.

“Hey.” She put her manicured hand on my shoulder, and her lips quirked into a smile. “Listen. We can go if things start to feel too weird or you want to leave. Okay? We have so much to see after; this is just the second stop! Let’s just try to see your dad.” She gave my shoulder a light squeeze.“You're doing the right thing!”

I nodded.

When I turned back and looked out the windshield, I realized I must have officially lost my fucking mind.

“Liz.”

“What?”

Stumbling out the doors of the Ateara home was not Quil or Embry. It wasn’t Joy or Old Quil. It wasn’t any of the pack. It wasn’t anybody who lived on the reservation.

It was her.

She paced around on the porch, looking down with her cell phone to her ear, one hand in her back jean pocket.

I was seeing shit, right? Right?

Some months ago, she hinted that when the leech left her, she started to hallucinate him. Though she was kinda vague about it, it seemed like she thought she actually saw him, visually. When she told me this, I was concerned. Of course, she skated around it and didn’t think it was a big deal. I thought that meant she was schizophrenic, which sadly made sense. I mean, how much could one human brain actually handle?

Has everything finally caught up with me now, too? Had I officially just lost my goddamn mind? Did my brain just split in two? Was that how these things happened?

“Do you see…Do you see that girl?” I asked, barely moving my lips, frozen.

“Huh?”

“Do you. See. That. Girl.”

“The one in the brown jacket?”

I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I couldn’t think.

We were far enough away from the house, but I wouldn’t have—couldn’t have—mistaken Bella Swan for anyone else.

She was there.

And the sickly, sweet vampire scent didn’t burn my nose. The wolf in me did not feel a nearby threat. In fact, the wolf in me felt the opposite—a pull to protect. She looked human. Clumsy. Tripping around like always.

How?

Did she have a long-lost identical twin? Did the Cullens use their billions of dollars to replicate some sort of human-looking dummy robot for the sake of her parents? Was she resurrected? Or were Liz and I seeing a fucking ghost?

I couldn't make sense of anything in my mind. I couldn't hear what Liz was loudly asking me. I couldn't move the car forward. I was completely frozen. Stuck on the sight of her.

And in that moment, nothing mattered at all. None of the heartbreak, none of the pain, whatever agony I’ve felt, none of it mattered.

I didn't care.

I didn’t care about anything that happened between us. Didn’t care about the shattering grief I’ve felt this whole month.

Nothing else mattered.

‘Cause the more I watched her, the more I realized it was true. With every movement, every step, she became more her.

I couldn't describe it as relief. It was something more than that, and I don't think I would ever feel it again.

But I had to get closer. I had to see. I had to be 100% sure it wasn’t the pathetic sliver of hope that was blinding me.

Liz had been asking questions, saying things, but I didn't hear any of it.

Until she screamed, “Jacob, what is going on?!”

I didn't look at her.

“Seriously, we’re sitting in the middle of the street! What’s going on? Who is that?”

“Just. Just stay in the car.”

“What?! Can you please answer me? Jacob, is that…”

I didn't keep my eyes off Bella just in case she disappeared.

“Stay.”

I rolled the ZJ over slightly to the side of the road, parked it, and climbed out of the car. I closed the door behind me quietly, afraid that any sudden movements would make her vanish into thin air.

With careful steps, my eyes stayed on her, afraid to blink. She still didn't see me. She was babbling away on the phone in a panic. I didn't know what she was saying. I, quite frankly, didn't care.

The closer I got to her, the more sure I was. Her scent became stronger, and it wasn't the smell of bleach or death. It was sweat, strawberries, flesh, vanilla, breath. It grounded me to earth with every step I took. I heard her heartbeat—a sound I could not mistake for anyone else’s.

There was nothing else. Nobody else.

Right then, she heard my footsteps and looked up. I stood on Quil’s lawn, about six feet away from her.

Her eyes went wide; her mouth fell open.

“I-I gotta go,” she said, stumbling over her words. She hung up the phone and slipped it in her pocket.

“Jake,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. The cool autumn air visualized her breath in the condensation.

Her eyes were the deep chocolate brown I saw behind my eyelids most nights before falling asleep. They blinked naturally, her lashes fluttering, more beautiful than ever before somehow. Her pink lips matched the tint on her cheeks, and her hair, which looked longer, glinted red from the single cast of sunlight.

She ran down the steps of the porch and crashed her body against mine.

That's when I realized I had fallen to my knees.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her close to my chest. Her heart thrummed wildly. I breathed her in, the scent of her clothes so familiar.

Fuck. Home.

I could have stayed like this for the rest of my life. Holding her. And it was too real for it to be a dream. My senses have never been more alert, more focused on one single thing ever before. The entire world could have exploded around us, and I'm not sure I'd notice.

“Jacob.”

I looked back at her face, which was perfectly leveled with mine. She wiped my face with her fingers. Apparently, I was crying like she was.

“You're alive,” I managed to spit out.

She bit her bottom lip, nodding. “Yes.”

I reached up and wiped the stray tears off her warm, flushed cheek.

“You're alive,” I repeated.

“I’m alive.”

“My God.” I could barely speak.

There were so many things I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t find the words.

For whatever reason, they pushed the date back, and for that, I was grateful. Really, it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that in this current moment, the steadying of her heartbeat was the loudest thing in my ears. It was a gift for her to be here any longer at all.

I knew this would hurt me when the day finally did come, and, Hell, it could be tomorrow; it could be the next week. But right now, I didn't care. Just getting to hold her one last time was everything. Once more after I had imagined her rabid or dead this whole time. Like I said, relief wasn’t even the word.

“I can’t believe it, Bells. Fuck.” I shook my head, then let my face fall in the crook of her neck.

Her fingers ran through my hair, lightly playing with the strands.

“I…I wish you would’ve called.”

“I did. Well, I called Billy.”

“No, I know, but I wish you didn’t hang up. I’m sorry you had to think that—”

“Whatever, honey. It doesn’t matter.”

The way her hands brushed over my neck and shoulders as she played with my hair sent an electric jolt through my entire body.

God.

“I missed you,” I breathed against her neck.

“I missed you, too, Jake.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Of course.”

I pulled back to look at her face again. She gave me that look, the one where her eyes lingered on my lips for a little too long, and I wanted to rip my hair out of my damn head. Should a married woman be looking at me like that? Yeah, probably not. But fuck it, not like that was a real marriage.

I shifted my weight to kneel on only one knee, propped my other leg up, and pulled her down to sit on my thigh. She let out a little yelp and looked at me wide-eyed and discombobulated.

“The lady needs a seat. I shall provide one.”

She shook her head, fighting a smile and, as always, fighting something else.

“Get off the ground, Jake. We can sit over there…” she muttered, pointing to the porch steps.

I tightened my grip around her waist so she wouldn’t fall. My pulse sped up from how close her face was to mine.

“You’re looking good, Bells,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

“Thanks.” A deep blush crept up on her cheeks, which was the goal, of course.

But it was true, she looked a lot healthier than the last time I saw her. More vibrant.

“What’re you doing here? I mean, at Quil’s,” I asked, gesturing to the house. I’m sure it had something to do with some Cullen drama where she had to play messenger. I really didn’t want to get into any of that shit right now.

“Oh. Um. I’m waiting for him.”

“Who?”

“Quil, he should be home soon. Things have been hectic.”

“Like that’s something new.” I rolled my eyes. “Do I even want to know?”

I knew I probably didn’t. Ideally I’d like to live in a world where the supernatural didn’t exist right now. Just let me have one moment of happiness, please.

“It’s…it’s Embry. We were thinking that maybe he had gone to try to look for you. You haven't seen him, have you?”

Fuck. What?

“Embry? No, I haven't seen him. What—”

And then a familiar voice cut me off.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Bella jumped up off my thigh, and I quickly stood to my feet. Turning around, Quil was walking toward us from around the corner. He was shirtless, filthy, and barefoot. It looked like he hadn’t slept in years.

“Hey,” I said, a little breathless, shaking myself out of the daze I was in.

“No. No.” With his nostrils flared, he stomped over to us. I took a step back, keeping Bella behind me. I’ve never seen him so pissed.

He pushed against my chest with his forearm.

“So you just decided to show up? Now?!”

I knew those arm tremors all too well. He was gonna phase.

“Calm down, man. Bella, go to the house.”

She took a few steps back.

“What the hell are you doing here? Huh?”

I exhaled, running a hand through my hair.

“No, you don't get to act annoyed,” he yelled, getting in my face. “You just come waltzing back here after a month of ignoring us all. Keeping yourself purposely ignorant. Because you can’t be bothered!”

Couldn’t say he was wrong. I just let him continue.

“Not once phasing. Not even one time. Cause fuck us, right?”

Cannot wait till they learn the truth. That’ll be fun.

“You’re a coward, Jake!”

As risky as it was, I gripped his shoulders and looked into his bloodshot eyes.

“Get a grip, Quil, come on. Not now,” I slightly nodded in Bella’s direction.

“What?” His eyes squinted, and then he understood what I meant. “Oh. No, no, I don’t need to pretend in front of Bella, thank you very much! Half of the reason I’m pissed is on her behalf.”

She stepped beside me and lightly grabbed his forearm. He looked at her, almost as if he were asking permission to tear me apart or something.

“Please, it’s okay,” she said softly.

“But—”

“Let’s just focus, okay?”

What the fuck was going on around here?

Quil’s tremors began to subside, and he looked at me, still pissed but more controlled.

“Have you seen Embry or not?”

“No. When did you last see him?”

“We thought he was maybe out looking for you. And I was kind of hoping that he was at this point!” Quil exhaled, rubbing his temples.

“Well, I haven’t seen him. Are you sure he's not just fighting with Tiff—”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that. We’ve all been looking for him day in and day out. Much like we did looking for you in the beginning.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh, be quiet, Black. No, you’re not.”

“I am-“

“Not important right now. Are you going to help us look or not?”

Bella looked up at me, and I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Why the hell was she even here? Or why did she care? I could only guess she had the Cullens looking for him, too. That was probably who was on the phone. But how did she even know Embry was missing? Why was she still human? Why did it seem like Quil gave a fuck about Bella? So many questions. I couldn’t wrap my head around any of it, but to both of them, it just seemed like another day.

“Of course I’m gonna help look.”

“Okay. Let’s see Sam then; Bella can go to Emily’s for now.” Quil started to walk past me impatiently but turned around to add, “Oh, and he’s going to be really angry. They all are going to be.”

“I expect it, trust me. Maybe you should get some sleep, take a break. I’ll make up for some lost time. You look like shit, man.”

“Thanks, so do you. But no. I can’t sleep. Let’s go.”

And then, a car door slammed from down the block, stopping us all in our tracks.

Shit.

The three of us turned to see Liz awkwardly waving while coming towards us.

Chapter Text

I wasn't thinking about how Jacob arrived back at La Push when his arms were wrapped around me. I didn't know where he'd been or what he'd been doing—the thought didn't pass my mind in the moment at all. It was surreal to see his brilliant white smile and feel the feverish heat of his brown skin again. I was only focused on him being back home, safe, intact.

Internally, I was vibrating.

My Jacob was here.

It felt like the world made sense again, like the nightmare we'd been living in was only just that—a nightmare. The homesickness trickled away. My personal sun broke through the clouds to shimmer down and warm me again.

But I knew that feeling of joy was fleeting. Jake and I had always been on borrowed time. And the girl walking towards us from the car Jake must have driven here with confirmed that.

She appeared taller than me, though that could have been due to her near-perfect upright posture. There was an air of confidence in her step despite the uncertainty in her waving hand. Her silky brown hair was much longer than mine, falling to her waist. The white jeans she wore fit tightly to her legs, and her teal sweater was loose, but it was evident that she was toned and slender. Her large eyes focused on Jacob.

Not my Jacob.

Her Jacob.

The fourth wolf has been claimed.

I knew this was always a possibility, but still, I didn't expect it to hit me as heavily and relentlessly as it did. The weight of it was an anchor shackled around my ankle. It plunged me deep below, in the sea I nearly drowned in—not the blood sea, the sea that Jake rescued me from. But he couldn't rescue me this time.

I was incontestably on my own now.

I've never felt the wind knock out of me quite so literally before.

Jacob deserved to be happy; it was what I always wanted for him, and I knew that couldn't have been with me, not after everything. If I needed any more proof of that, he nearly just fainted at the sight of me since he assumed I was dead. So, I had no right to feel this way whatsoever. Nevertheless, I couldn't control it. I couldn't stop the current splintering of my heart.

I've felt heartbreak before, where parts of myself broke off and changed my shape. Where it gutted and drained me to where I saw no worth in my life. Where reality became distorted. It took everything from me. But this didn't feel like that. Not at all. While this was gut-wrenching and agonizing—the loss of something pure and good and true, it wasn't numbing, hopeless depression. It was charged.

I was livid.

When she approached, she smiled at each of us.

"Hey! I'm sorry, I didn't want to interrupt anything, I just…Jacob, can I speak with you for a minute?"

Jake stared at her, and I studied his gaze, hoping I wouldn't find something in it to prove me right. I tried to see if it was similar to how Sam, Paul, and Jared looked at their imprints. But his dark eyes revealed nothing to reassure me. I couldn't read his expression, and he appeared out of it.

He rocked on his heels with both hands in his pockets.

"Yeah, hey, sorry, um guys, this—this is Liz. Uh, Liz, this is Quil." He nodded to Quil and then hesitantly to me. "And. Um, Bella."

"Nice to meet you guys!" she exclaimed, but there was a hint of confusion scrunching up her sparkling eyes and straight nose.

"Uh, one second." He pulled one hand out of the pocket and held up his pointer finger. They briskly walked down the street while she impatiently whispered, but I couldn't make out the words. When they got to the car, I tried to read their lips. With the distance, I couldn't understand, but there was clearly something charged between them. Despite how painful it may be for me to hear, I wished to run over and listen.

Jake was hunched over, talking directly in her face, far too close for my liking. He nervously ran his hands through his hair, moving it out of his face. I couldn't help but notice—

"Bella," Quil said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Are you just as confused as I am?"

I nodded, blinking too fast.

"Like, who the hell is that?"

"He said her name is Liz," I said.

"Well, yeah, but…who."

"Can you hear what they're saying?"

"No, too far."

I shook my head, trying to shake away the tears pricking at my eyes.

"Oh, wait. Wait. You don't think…?"

I met Quil's exhausted eyes. He'd been a mess for days. The bags under his eyes were dark purple, and his skin looked quite pale. I hated to see him like this. I didn't want to bother him with this—it was the least of his problems right now.

"I'm just really glad he's back. And he'll help us." I swallowed the thickness in my throat.

"Bella…"

"Don't be so hard on him either, okay? And please don't be upset with him on my behalf. There's nothing to be upset about."

"Look, we don't even know—"

"Charlie called," I cut him off to get him to focus. "They haven't seen Embry."

He cradled his arms behind his head and began to pace.

"I knew that was gonna be a waste of time."

"Hey, you never know. They're gonna help, too."

His arms fell to his side, letting go of a big breath.

"I need him to be okay."

"I know." I grabbed his hand. "We are going to find him."

He shook his head back and forth. The pain in his face was immense.

"Quil, are you sure you don't want me to ask them?"

He looked at me, disgusted.

"I already told you. No!"

"But they could help. They're probably not even doing anything."

"We're not reaching out to those freaks. We don't need them."

"They don't need to sleep; you on the other hand—"

"What would I be if I said yes? I would never ask you to reach out to the very ones who messed you up so bad. No."

"But it's for Embry."

Behind us, their footsteps started back up the street, and fresh dread made me feel sick all over again.

"Okay. Uh, sorry about that," Jake said when they caught up to us. He avoided my eyes, which felt like a dagger to the chest. "We oughtta get looking, yeah?"

Quil, still very upset with him, rolled his eyes and nodded. "Yeah."

Jake gestured towards Liz and I. "I guess the girls can go to Emily's."

"Sorry, I'm just confused," Quil said. "I don't know who this person is at all and we're just going to drop her off at Em's?"

As if this situation wasn't awkward enough. It took everything in me not to elbow Quil.

"She's got nowhere else to go, and it's gonna get dark soon. I'm not gonna leave her sitting in the damn car," said Jake. Was this the protective side of the imprint coming out?

Why didn't he just say who she was? Did he not want to say it in front of me?

I wanted to protest, but I couldn't bring myself to speak up. I wanted to hop in the car and drive far away and scream.

But I suppose I was going to have to get used to this.

—

Thin clouds were strewn across the now deep orange sky. The air stilled, making it too quiet, adding to the awkwardness between the four of us.

Liz and I quietly stood on the porch when we arrived at Emily's house.

"Just wait here," Jake said to us. I bit my lip, knowing what that implied. He'd tell Emily the news, but not me.

"Okay!" Liz said, smiling.

He and Quil went through the door, and I heard Emily exclaiming, surely surprised to see Jake. And then their voices faded.

I stared down at my feet, unable to bring myself to make any sort of small talk, but of course, she attempted.

"This is a really nice house."

"Yep."

"I like this whole area. It's so quaint and cute!"

Did she have to be so cheery about everything?

"Mhm."

A few minutes later, the door opened, and Jake stepped out. When he saw me again, it looked like he was surprised, almost like before. Nonsensically, our locked eyes made my heart flutter. But then his eyes averted to Liz, and I knew I had to stop these feelings in their place before I hurt myself even more.

"So, you guys can just go in and hang. We're gonna get going and look for our friend. I won’t be too long," Jake said, primarily to her.

"Everyone here is a runaway like you, huh?" Liz said, lightly laughing.

I cringed, peering at Quil to see his nostrils flared again. He was about to open his mouth, but Jake spoke before he could, patting him on the back. "Alright, man, let's go." He turned to me. "We'll talk later, yeah?"

My heart sank.

They jogged down the steps, and before turning into the forest, Quil looked back at me, nodded, and gave me a thumbs up. He mouthed something, but I couldn't make it out. I only shook my head, confused. Jake looked back at him, and they took off.

"The shirtless thing is…interesting?" Liz said.

"You'll get used to it."

Emily opened the door, her smile bright.

"Hi, Bella! And Liz, is it?"

"Yes! It's nice to meet you."

"Come in, girls."

We both gestured for each other to enter the house first. She awkwardly laughed.

"No, go ahead," I said.

We walked into Emily's house. Of course, it smelled like freshly baked dessert and burning incense.

"You guys can hang out on the couch, please, help yourself to some pie. I'm doing some prep for class upstairs, but if you need me, just call out, okay?"

"Thanks so much, Emily," I said.

"Thank you!"

I sat on one end of the couch, and Liz, for some strange reason, sat right next to me.

Didn't she think this was weird? Did she know who I was at all? Did Jake even tell her?

"So, are you from here?"

The small talk was going to drive me mad.

"I was born here, yes. I moved back a couple of years ago from Phoenix."

"Oh, wow, that's so different from here."

"What about you?" I couldn't help but ask—I was too curious where Jake had found her.

"I'm from White Rock." She pointed her finger to the ceiling. "Up in Canada!"

That made a lot of sense. The last time Jake ran off, he said he was all over Canada. Perhaps the imprint pulled him in that direction, and that's why he went back—if it even worked like that.

"I feel kind of weird, just like sitting in her house."

"No, it's normal. Another thing you'll get used to." My own words made nausea roll through me.

"Oh." She scrunched up her face, thinking. "Well, I don't know. We were coming to, um, see his dad. This is my first time in the States."

I didn't know it could be possible, but the more she spoke, the more my heart shattered. He was bringing her to meet his father? I could see the approval on Billy's face. I'm sure he'd be so much happier that Jake finally found someone other than me.

What took him so long to come home and show her off? Was he entirely distracted by her in their honeymoon phase? I could imagine a newfound imprint must've felt like the utmost euphoria.

Nausea rolled through me again.

"Do you want some of that pie? I'm kind of starving," she asked. "It smells really good."

I hadn't eaten anything all day, but I wasn't sure I could stomach anything. Originally, I was going to eat at Joy's since Charlie was having dinner with the guys at the station, but I'd totally forgotten.

"No, it's okay."

"You sure?"

I peered behind the couch to see the pies cooling on the counter. Emily wanted us to eat some, and I didn't want to be rude.

"Okay, fine, let's see what kind it is."

We made our way to the kitchen, and she went behind the counter. It was irritating, beyond irritating, to see her be so comfortable in Emily's house already.

She cut two perfect pieces of the blueberry pie, laying them on the paper plates that Emily had left. We both reached for the forks at the same time. Impatiently, I grabbed one and handed it to her before taking mine.

"I guess we should eat over here?" she said, gesturing to the dining room table.

We sat down at opposite ends of the table. I tried to block everything out and eat the pie in peace, but she wouldn't let me.

"So, what do you do around here?"

"Work and hang out with Quil, mostly."

"You're not in college like Emily?"

"Emily's not in college; she teaches. But no, I'm not."

"Oh, cool. I like your shirt, by the way."

I looked down at the white eyelet lace top I wore under my chestnut-colored jacket.

"Thanks."

"Yeah, it's really pretty!"

She was nice, and I didn't want it to anger me, but it did. Very much so.

The envy had reared its head in a way I didn't expect. It was ugly and seething. I sincerely didn't know I had it in me.

Not only was she nice, she was effortlessly beautiful, too. She was put together and bubbly—two things I never was.

I knew I shouldn't compare myself. I'd been doing better in that regard, but it was difficult not to slip back into that mindset I'd had for so long. Especially when this girl had stolen Jacob's heart.

It felt as if I were being tested.

I remember telling Jacob that whoever he found wouldn't be good enough for him. I still believed that, and I didn't know much about this girl, but she seemed…good.

It made me want to scream until my throat went raw.

Why did I come here? Why didn't I stay at Joy's or go home? Well, I didn't have to come here. It was curiosity and slight self-destructiveness that sat me in this room with her. I knew I needed to see who she was.

Now, I’ve had enough, and I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to ask any more questions. I didn't want to know anything else.

Because I couldn't lie to myself. My feelings for Jake had never gone anywhere—seeing him solidified that. It was utterly foolish to think that, in the end, everything would be okay. That maybe, just maybe, we'd find a way.

All of this was futile. Silly, even.

I wanted to be happy for Jacob; I genuinely did. Hopefully, that'll come in time.

"This is really good," she said, lit up. "We stopped at a drive-thru before, but I needed something sweet!"

The thought of Jacob ordering food for them both, his arm around the back of the passenger seat, her feeding him French fries while he drove flashed through my mind.

It would have to come in time because I simply could not find it in me now to be happy for them.

I finished the pie and got up to throw out the plate.

"I need to make a call," I said, trying to mask the bitterness simmering beneath the surface.

"Okay," she said, mid-chew.

When I turned around and headed to the door, I rolled my eyes and grit my teeth harder than intended.

Stepping out onto the porch, it was tempting to hop in the Mercedes and leave. I kicked the wooden banister until it hurt my toes. My breathing had become heavy and uneven with the tears that fell freely down my cheeks.

I felt like I was finding my footing here, but maybe I never belonged. Spending time with the Ateara's has made me feel welcome, but if the sense of belonging solely hinged on my feelings for Jacob, then it was only meant to be temporary. I couldn't hang around if Jacob and his lover were always here—it wasn't healthy.

What a hypocrite I was. A completely senseless hypocrite. At least now, I somewhat knew how Jake felt. I slapped my head, thinking of all the times he had to witness me being with someone else. I couldn't even call it karma since it was inevitable.

Lucky for him, his feelings for me practically evaporated overnight, like Sam's did for Leah. If only I could flick the switch so easily.

When everything was over, and we were all safe, I'd find my place somewhere. I'll figure it out when I get there.

I wiped the absurd tears from my face.

Pulling out my phone, I dialed a number I had deleted but unfortunately knew by memory.

After just one ring, he picked up.

"Bella?"

"Hi, Edward."

"Hello. Is everything alright?"

"Um, I don't know. Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course."

"Embry Call is missing. We've been looking for him for a few days but can't find him. Please, if any of you come across him, let me know. And, if you can maybe help look, I'd really appreciate it."

"Hm. Okay."

"The pack didn't ask me to call you; this is just me."

"And?"

"I'm just letting you know."

He laughed. "It's starting to feel like you are the official mongrel spokesperson now."

"I just said they didn't ask me to ask you."

"Yes, I'm aware, but I say that because you feel the need to explain that."

"I'm going now."

"Goodbye, Isabella."

I hung up the call and slipped back into Emily's. Liz sat on the couch watching a movie, making herself at home once again.

I sat on the furthest end of the couch and hoped she'd be too preoccupied with the movie to speak with me. Or too preoccupied to notice the glares I shot in her direction.

Chapter Text

It took everything in me to leave her at Emily's. The fear that she would vanish into thin air still ran rampant in the back of my head. I’d have to get back as soon as I could, after my ass-whooping from Sam and hopefully with Embry alongside us.

Quil and I jogged further away from the house and started up a thin trail in the woods.

Everything was happening way too fast. I felt like my mouth couldn't catch up with my brain, and my brain couldn’t catch up with reality.

So when Quil asked, “And you're sure Liz isn’t your girlfriend or anything? She’s really just a friend like you told Em?” I wanted to bash my head.

“Christ almighty. No, no, no. She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Okay, so…”

“She’s just a friend. I met her up in Canada. She’s actually pretty cool once you get to know her.” I dodged a low-hanging twig. “Seriously, cut the shit, Quil. You really fucking think I could have a girlfriend right now?”

We headed off the trail into a thicker, more dense part of the forest. The setting sun flashed through the leaves and moss-covered branches.

Quil told me the pack was spread out on patrol, but he knew where Sam was. Thankfully, he hasn't asked me to phase yet. I guess he figured I would want to talk to Sam first—face-to-face.

“Well, it’s not just me that thought that. When we get back, you better talk to Bella and clear that up.”

“What?”

“I'm pretty sure she thinks you imprinted. I mean, we both thought that. What else were we supposed to think? Like—“

I stopped in my tracks.

“What?”

Quil stopped and turned around to look at me, annoyed.

“What, you really didn't think that’s how it would look? You've been gone, and you pull up with some random girl out of nowhere. Be serious. And no offense, you're not really the social type, Jake. You don’t just go around making friends.”

“Liz is not my imprint, and she's not my girlfriend. What did Bella say?”

“It's Bella.” He rolled his eyes. “She didn't say anything.”

“So how do you know she thinks that?”

He shrugged. “She doesn’t hide her emotions very well.”

I shook my head. “I don’t get it. You’re acting like you’re friends with her. What are you suddenly tight with her now?”

“Well, yeah, I am. You've been gone; did you forget that?”

“Okay, but what is she doing hanging around you? I mean, he’s allowing that?”

He glared at me in disbelief.

“Holy—Did you guys not talk?” He crossed his arms and snickered. “No, come on. You don't know?”

“Don’t know what?”

He slapped his hand to his forehead and muttered, “Oh my God.” He walked over to me. “Jake, what do you think happened? I mean, why do you think she’s human?”

“I don’t really know. They moved the date?”

“Jesus,” he whispered. “Communication is a lost art.”

“What? She married the fucker. How could she—“

“Bella is not married. I can't believe you didn't talk about this—“

“What do you mean she's not married? I watched…I saw. I was there. At the stupid fucking wedding.”

He sighed. “Yeah, and if you stuck around for probably only a couple minutes longer, you would have seen that she didn't go through with it.”

The cold wind erupted through the trees around us, soothing my overheated skin.

“What the hell are you talking about, Ateara?”

“She didn't marry him,” he blurted out impatiently. “ She ran off into the woods. She was a bleeding mess when I found her. There were vampires around, so I brought her down to the rez. She stayed at my place, and my mom took care of her.”

Reality crashed around me, heavy and demanding. Was this an alternate dimension or something? Could my luck really be that shitty that I was apparently only “minutes away?”

There have been many times in my life where I've felt like a total dumbass. But I didn't think I'd ever felt more like one in my whole life. I left her this time. And for what? To go cry on the beach in Canada, to dump all my shit on a random girl, to feel myself become raw and undone, all for what?

“So she actually did get cold feet.”

“Um, yeah.”

I dragged my hand across my face and started walking again, not wanting Quil to see my embarrassment, but he clocked it.

“Feeling pretty dumb, huh?” Quil spat.

“More than fucking ever.” I sighed. “I need to talk to her.”

“Yeah, well, not right now. We need you to focus. You can deal with that later.”

I picked up my pace and let the remaining questions swim around my head.

She didn't marry him, but where did they stand? Were they still together? Were they taking a break? Was this only because she didn’t want to be a teenage bride? Maybe they'll still try to do the whole sick vampire/human thing. Because there was no way, right? She was set on the bloodsucker. Unless she really did come to her senses. But it’s Bella we’re talking about here, and we all know that's a rarity.

I couldn't get ahead of myself, couldn't expect that shit was actually gonna go my way for once. Gotta keep my expectations low and not jump to any conclusions. Hell, she could probably change her mind tomorrow. I've seen her do that before.

We crossed the street and went into another thick stretch of forest. Quil came to a halt.

“Sam said he was going to be around here. We’ll get him to phase back to talk. I don't think the conversation will be particularly productive if we have everyone screaming in our heads.”

Welp. Guess now was the time to tell him.

“Um, yeah, about that…”

He was completely done with my shit.

“What now,” he asked with his hands on his hips. I nervously laughed.

“So, how do I—um, so you know how you guys thought that I hadn't phased for the month?”

“Yeah…?”

“I was phasing.”

“What, like once or twice? I guess none of us were phased when you were.”

“No, more than once or twice, and I know we were phased at the same time.”

“I don't get what you're saying.”

“So, you know how, technically, I was born to be the alpha, but I didn't want it.”

He nodded his head, one eyebrow arched.

“Well, I found out that still stood. I was able to leave Sam's pack.”

“What?”

“Yeah, so I'm technically a one-man pack now, I guess. I don't really know how it works all that well. One day, I noticed I could channel out. And on the day I left, I was able to get full control, and I didn't hear you guys anymore. My original plan was to live out my days as a wolf, alone, not bother you guys anymore.”

“If you phase right now, I wouldn't be able to hear you? You wouldn't be able to hear Sam?”

“Maybe if I tried to tap in again. I’m not really sure.”

He sighed. “I no longer have the energy for any of your BS, so I’ll leave it to Sam to chew you out. Though it kind of sounds like a blessing, not having to hear your emo inner monologue.”

I snorted. “Yeah, says you.”

“Oh, quiet. You know I don't bother anyone with my shit. But then what does this mean?”

“I don't know. I gotta talk to Sam.”

We found Sam on the edge of a cliffside, ways away from where he told Quil he would be. He didn't tell us why he was looking into the water, but I knew. And I felt fucking sick.

We needed to find Embry. Now. If he really was out looking for me and he got himself hurt, I’d never forgive myself.

When Sam phased back, he was furious, way more than Quil was. Sam’s been pissed off at me many times, but this time, I didn't feel intimidated by him. I didn't feel my wolf cower to him. And when I told him that I was alpha of my own pack, he looked like he was about a throw me off the damn cliff himself.

Sam always had it rough. I knew that. Dude could never catch a goddamn break. I couldn't bring myself to fight with him or defend myself. Didn’t have it in me. Didn’t think there was anything to defend, either.

We phased, and I still couldn't hear their voices, but I was able to communicate a little bit with Sam. I did think that with more practice, I could probably tap in more. It just felt like too much of a mental strain right now.

After my verbal ass-whooping and Sam was all caught up, he let the pack know that I was home, so at least it would lessen their surprise when I saw them later. Either way, none of their reactions could be worse than Sam or Quil’s. He also let them know that I brought a human girl along who didn’t know about us. Sure as hell didn’t want to hear what they had to say about that.

The sky grew dark as I was out on my own, searching a new path for Embry. Sam let me in on the schedule they’d been following and figured, since I’d been gone, that I should make the longer distance tonight.

But there was no sign of him, no scent, no prints, nothing. The moonlight shone on my path, and I realized I'd run out further than intended. It was refreshing, though, being back in my wolf—God knows I needed to clear my head.

About two hours later, I turned back because it was getting close to the time we were all supposed to meet at Emily's. They'd been looking all night, doing shifts all day, so Sam thought we all needed to regroup.

Before I turned back on the trail, I looked over at a cliff edge. I didn't want to, but I did. I looked over like Sam did, scanning the waves for a sign—a familiar shape, a body.

I exhaled when I didn't see anything, feeling fucking sick again. The idea of anything happening to Embry was basically like cutting one of my limbs off.

I also felt sick because I knew that they probably did the same when I was gone.

I had to make it up to them. I had to show them that my birthright didn't go to waste. That I wasn't going to be some loser who ran, some wounded animal who couldn't care for himself, let alone his own family.

Words didn't mean shit; I had to show them I wasn’t going to leave again. I ran back faster this time, more determined, more aware, more eager.

It didn't take that long to get back to Emily's. Hidden behind some trees, I spit out the filthy black tee and jeans I’d been carrying in my mouth, phased back, and put them back on. Brushing the dirt off my clothes, I jogged to the front door, which was unlocked. Idling in the doorway, my breath was taken away again.

She stayed.

Liz had fallen asleep on the couch, and Bella sat away from her with her arms wrapped around her knees, which were pulled to her chest. There was no ugly ass ring on her finger, either.

Quil was right.

I would never take her for granted ever again—I’d make it up to her, too. I promised I wouldn't ever hurt or leave her, and I did. Probably when she needed me the most. Guilt was pointless to feel; it wasn’t like I knew any of this was gonna happen. I’d show her I’d be there for her if she needed me.

There was a hardness taking over her soft features, and she looked stressed as hell. Thank God I made it here before the rest of them. I needed just a small window of time to talk to Bella; I had to clear—

“Oh, look who it is! Hey, big man! How was your little vacation?” Paul called out from outside, approaching the house.

Then Jared. “Do you need your ba-ba? I'm sure Em's got some milk in the fridge we can warm up for you!”

I stayed in the doorway, holding the screen door open for the assholes. I bit back a laugh and just shook my head.

“You know, Jacob, this might be one of the best days of my life. Apparently, we don't have to hear your pathetic whining anymore? Please tell me it’s true,” said Leah, her voice closer.

“Yeah, it kind of feels like Christmas, right?” Paul replied.

I still didn't face them, but they all trotted up the porch stairs behind me. I walked through the door and sucked on my teeth.

“Let the roasting commence,” I said, waving a hand around.

My eyes stayed on Bella, but she didn't say a word to me. She didn't laugh. Her face was totally blank. Was she actually mad?

The pack filed into the room, loudly laughing, throwing jokes and insults around. Some of them were pretty creative. Some needed more work.

Seth was the first to run over to me, arms outstretched for a hug.

“It hasn’t been the same without you, Jake! I’m happy you’re home!”

“Yeah, welcome home dickhead!” Jared said, punching my shoulder.

Paul pulled me in for a half hug. “You suck.”

Sam crossed the room, looked at Liz, who was sleeping like a rock, and turned to Bella. “Emily still working upstairs?”

She nodded. He went down the hall and up the stairs since Liz was still here, and we couldn’t go over patrol logistics yet. I’d have to drop her at Billy’s first and come back.

Paul, Jared, Seth, and Quil all sat at the dining table, already digging into some pie. They didn’t let me eat any. Leah sat on one of the stools, arms crossed.

“Jacob, how does it feel to be the most pathetic little bitch known to man?”

And though they were relentlessly attacking me, it felt good to be home. Even better with Bella here, though she looked like she was about to kill me. Was I a total piece of shit for kinda liking it, though?

Their laughter became louder.

“Guys, come on. She's sleeping.”

“What?” Jared asked, rising out of his seat. He peered over the couch at Liz. “Oh shit. This is your new chick Sam was talking about? He was being serious?!”

Paul got up to investigate while Quil, sitting next to Seth, rolled his eyes and forked pie into his mouth.

Paul hesitantly hovered his hand over to poke her.

“Guys, come on. Let her sleep.”

“Jake, this is crazy. I thought you were Bella-sexual,” said Paul.

I shot a glance at Bella, who stood up and headed to the hallway. Crossing over to her, I caught her shoulder.

“Listen, we’re gonna talk in a minute, okay?”

“I need to use the bathroom,” she muttered, jerking away from me. She stormed off down the hall.

Damn. She was jealous.

I had to fight a smile.

“Oh shit,” said Paul.

Liz started to turn, and I pushed the guys away from the couch and shooed them to the table.

“Go fucking eat your pie.” Happily, they obliged.

Peering over the couch, Liz looked up at me, her eyes blinking. “Oh, hey, Jacob. I didn't even realize I fell asleep.” She sat up and looked around. “Bella left?” Then she peered over the couch and waved. “Oh! Sorry! Hi Quil. H-hi everyone!”

The two idiots burst into laughter, but they waved along with Seth.

“That's Paul, Seth, Jared, and Leah,” I said, pointing to each of them.

“Did you guys find your friend?”

“No. We’re gonna look more tomorrow.”

“So, are we staying here for now? We have to push the trip back?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, Liz, I can’t leave.”

“Here we go again,” mumbled Leah, who stared at the ceiling, arms crossed. “Just some more messy bullshit from Jacob. What a shocking—“

Then Leah looked over at Liz. And Liz looked back at her.

Not often did Leah shut up. She always needed to get the last word out. And immediately I knew what just happened, well, we all did.

Leah's jaw hung open, and any of the typical hardness on her face disappeared. Her eyes were wide and watery, and she couldn't speak. There was a moment of pure shock in the room. All of our eyes darted from Leah to Liz to Leah, to Liz, trying to make sense of it. Though our hivemind was only activated as wolves, we all knew what we were thinking.

Bella came back into the room, her eyebrow raised, looking to see what caused the silence.

I covered my face with both of my hands because, ya know, how much more insane could shit really get?

“Jesus fucking Christ,” I muttered to myself, pulling my hands away from my face. I exhaled and looked down at Liz.

“What?” she nervously laughed. “What just happened?” Liz waved to Leah. “Hi?”

“No way,” said Jared.

Bella stood there, confused. Then her eyes went wide, and she looked at me. I just nodded.

“Hey, Leah,” Seth called out. “Are you okay?” But she was in a trance.

Liz nervously looked up at me. “Jacob?” She fully sat up.

“It’s nothing; you missed an inside joke. It’s getting late.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “You should get some sleep.”

She looked over at the VCR clock. “But it's only 9?”

“Yeah, but we had a long day in the car, you know?”

Sam and Emily's footsteps came from down the hall.

“Sorry, guys. I had to get everything ready for class on Monday. That took way longer than I expected,” said Em.

Looking around the room, they both knew something was up. When they saw Leah, they looked at each other.

“Liz, this is Sam. Emily's fiancée. You're gonna stay here tonight, okay? My dad's is way too cramped anyway.”

“Okay! Is that alright with you guys?” She asked.

Leah began to compose herself, blinking rapidly. Sam and Emily tried not to show their shock.

Sam cleared his throat. “Yeah, absolutely. Emily will get everything ready for you. Em, maybe you can get her to the spare bedroom now?”

Trying to come down to earth, she nodded. “Yes. Come on, Liz. The bed is far more comfortable than that couch.”

“I wouldn't mind hanging out with you guys. I napped for long enough.”

“Everyone's gonna leave now anyway,” said Sam, letting everyone know the change in plans.

“Oh, okay.” Liz got up off the couch.

“I'll bring your suitcase up in a bit,” I told her.

“Wait,” Leah said, hopping off the stool and walking over to Liz, who stood next to Emily.

It was the first time I’d ever seen Leah nervous. She cleared her throat.

“Nice to meet you.” She outstretched her hand. “I’m Leah.”

Liz shook her hand, smiling.

“I really like your hair.”

Leah smoothed her hair. “Thanks. Sleep well, yeah?”

“Oh, I will! It has been a long day. Since Jacob and I are staying for a little, maybe we can hang out at some point.”

“Yes. I mean. Only if you want to. Yes.” She tried to hide the urgency in her voice but failed.

Liz nodded, beaming. Em guided her down the hall and up the stairs. We heard the door close. We all looked at each other.

“I imprinted.”

“Yeah, we figured that out,” said Paul.

“Whoa. Seriously?!” exclaimed Seth.

“Oh, Seth. Poor oblivious thing,” laughed Quil, patting him on the back.

“I didn’t even know that was possible. A chick imprinting… on another chick? What the fuck?” said Jared.

Leah ignored them and looked at Sam. “What the hell do I do?”

“Well, we're gonna have to tell her. You can’t live without her.”

“I want her to do what she wants. I’m not gonna pester her like you did to my cousin.” She rolled her eyes.

“You’re already feeling the pull. It’s impossible to break.”

Leah swallowed.

“Yeah, well, I’d rather jump off a bridge than force someone to be with me.” She turned to me. “Where did you find her?”

“Canada.”

“So she doesn't live here?”

“No.”

I saw her going over things in her head.

“Well, whatever, it's up to her. I would never make her stay here. She may not even like me.”

“Been there,” Paul called out. “Worked out, though.”

“Did you guys seriously move past the fact that there’s two gay wolves in our pack? What are the odds?!” Jared snorted.

See, there’s an example of a roast that needed more work.

“Really, Jared?” It was the first time Bella spoke. Was she sticking up for me? Or Leah? Were they tight now, too? You know, a month was really starting to feel like a whole fucking year.

“What! It’s no secret. Wait, Leah, does this make you a lesbian? But you dated Sam? Bisexual?”

“I think Liz-sexual,” said Paul.

“I’ll rip your throats out,” she growled.

“Enough! Stop it,” Sam ordered, and they all shut up. “We'll deal with this tomorrow. Leah, Emily, and I will explain everything to Liz.”

“She’s my friend. Maybe she would feel better if I was there too.”

“No, we need you on patrol.”

I nodded.

“Everyone else, you know your patrol times?” Everyone confirmed. “Alright. We’ll have to regroup and restrategize tomorrow. Let's get some sleep. Recharge.”

“I’m going back out to look,” Quil protested.

“No, you’re not. We all need to be efficient and sleep.” Quil couldn’t resist his order.

When everyone dispersed, I went over to Bella. “Just wait here. Give me five minutes. Please.”

“I honestly should get going—“

“Please.”

She sighed and nodded.

It took longer than five minutes, but in record time, I ran upstairs to get the car key from Liz, who was half-awake, ran all the way to Quil’s to get the ZJ, drove it back down to Emily's, got Liz's suitcase, ran it upstairs, and left it outside the spare bedroom door.

Bella was still on the couch.

“Okay. You ready?” I asked.

“Let’s go,” she said impatiently.

I opened and held the door out for her to leave. The night air felt good, and the moon was big and yellow in the sky, brighter than before.

We both got into the unsightly Mercedes parked next to the ZJ.

“So, where should we go?” She asked, putting the key in the ignition.

“Anywhere.”

She nodded and started to drive slowly. The sound of the dirt under the tires filled the silence as we both processed whatever the fuck just happened today.

“It’s been a day,” I said.

She laughed, and there was a hint of delirium in it.

“Very eventful, indeed.”

“I swear this life was becoming more and more like a damn soap opera.”

“Never a dull moment.”

I blew out a breath. “I'm sorry. I wish we could have talked more earlier. It was just crazy, you know. I mean, I'm–I'm still in shock about you being here.”

She drove for a few more minutes before pulling down a dead-end road near the beach, away from the houses. She parked. It was quiet aside from the ticking of the engine cooling down, crickets, and the faint sound of the crashing waves.

I looked at her moonlight-illuminated face.

And despite how crazy everything was, I just smiled.

She met my eyes hesitantly, and a little smile crept up on her lips, too.

“Bella—“

“Jake—“

“No, you go first,” she said.

Knowing we had limited time before she had to get home and we were thrust back into the chaos tomorrow, I spit it out.

“Quil told me that you thought I imprinted on Liz; obviously, you see now that isn’t the case—”

“I’m still wrapping my head around that. It was crazy. I felt it.”

“Yup. Shit is wild. Also totally proved Sam’s theory wrong about it being for procreation. Leah didn’t even think she could imprint, either.”

“Well, it’s clearly something that isn’t fully understood. Quil and I found some new information about it while cleaning out his father’s belongings. They’ll show you what we found, but long story short, we found that female shifters were expected to exist.”

“Damn, I’ve gotta see that. I mean, I didn’t think she couldn’t imprint. I’m mainly shocked that it was on Liz.”

“What do you think is going to happen with it?”

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll see. Her and Leah are polar fucking opposites.”

“Sometimes that’s better, though. Opposites attract.”

I swallowed.

“Yeah, so we’ll see. But, anyway, I’m sorry you thought I was with Liz in whatever capacity. I just couldn’t think straight. I was still stuck on you being here, Embry, Liz freaking out and being confused. I’ve told her about you, too. She…sort of also thought you were dead. Except she got the digestible human version of the story, ya know. I’m sure you could imagine her confusion.”

Bella scoffed. “It didn’t seem like she knew who I was. At all.”

“Probably an awkward conversation. And she’s too polite.”

“Mhm.”

“But whatever, I’m sorry you had to think that. Sure bothered the hell out of you.”

She shot a fake confused look at me. “What bothered me?”

I rolled my eyes and snorted. “C’mon, Bells.”

“No, what do you mean?”

“You thought I imprinted, or you thought she was my girl. Made you jealous.”

I held back my smirk. I didn’t need to embarrass her.

“I was not jealous,” she lied. And I knew it was a lie because Bella was a really bad liar. She didn’t lie often, but when she did, it was hilariously obvious. She’d be the type to instantly fail a polygraph with the way her heart was going berserk.

“Sure, sure. Alright.” I hid my smile behind my hair.

She just shook her head, annoyed. I knew she wouldn’t entertain my teasing, at least not now.

While, fuck, did I revel in her jealousy and fibbing, I felt my stomach sink at the possible implication of it. Did her lying mean she was still with the leech, just not married? Was that what the ‘opposites attract’ comment was about?

“Quil also told me that you're not married.”

Again, I looked down at her left hand, fourth finger, just in case. Still no ring.

“I feel really stupid. I’m sorry, I shouldn't have left. You know, I could have been there for you—”

“No, Jake, I understand why you left. It was better that you did, in a way. And clearly, it was for a reason—you found Leah’s imprint. I’m sorry. For everything.”

I reached over and took her hand.

“S’okay. I'm just happy that you're here. Alive. That you’re you. You surprise me every day, though, Bells, I gotta say. You keep me on my toes.” I rubbed my thumb along hers. “But can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Do you… plan to stay human?”

She pursed her lips and nodded her head up and down.

I let out a big breath and stared up at the moon through the windshield.

“Really?”

“Yes, Jake.”

“Can I ask what changed your mind?”

“A lot. I’ll get into everything another time.”

Nothing in this world could ever make me happier than that. Solace. Pure fucking happiness.

Everything paid off. The fight to keep her heart beating was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I would do it all over again, a million times over again, if it meant it would come to this moment. I’d fuck off if she wanted me to, and I’d run off smiling as long as I knew she chose to live.

It couldn’t get any better. Unless.

“Last question.”

“Hm?”

“This, you know, may not be the most important question considering everything, but I’ve got to ask. Are you, are you still with him?”

She looked out the window, avoiding my gaze. It took her a moment to answer, and within that moment, I held my breath.

Finally, she said, “No. I can't. I can't be with him.”

I just nodded. I didn't want to pry. I did want to do a fucking backflip and a half, but that wouldn't be exactly appropriate.

“But listen. Jake, that doesn't mean anything. I can't be with anyone right now. I don't know what's gonna happen. In the future and—“

“No, no, look, Bella. I'm not expecting anything, okay? I know I was a dick in the past about this, but all I wanted was for you to live. I don’t need anything more. If you want to go ride into the sunset with that Mike Newton guy at the end of all this, I'm not gonna stop you. I'll just judge your taste a little bit.”

She laughed hysterically—my favorite sound in the world.

“I'm just here for you. I expect nothing, I swear. You've been through too much, you know? We've both got shit to work on.” I gave her hand a light squeeze.

“Wow. Is that a maturing Jacob, I hear?”

“I don't know if I'd go that far, but maybe.”

She laughed again, but then her face fell, and she sighed.

“It's…it's not just that. Like I’ve told you before. Staying human has consequences, too.”

I shifted in the seat, my knees cramping. God, I hated this dumb car.

“The Volturi are coming here.”

“They're coming here to do what?”

Nothing was ever fucking easy, was it?

“I don't even fully understand, to be honest. The Cullens are hoping to make some sort of deal with them. A deal to spare my life, where they may join the guard.”

“Why do they have to come here to do that?” I said through my teeth.

“Edward said that they also want to see the aftermath of the newborn battle and ensure everything is orderly. Trust me, I feel it’s ridiculous for them to come here, too, but they can’t stop them.”

“The pack knows about this?”

“Of course. And that's another issue. The Volturi don't know about your existence. It puts everyone on the rez at risk.”

“Fuck.”

“But that was inevitable, I realized. Aro is a mind reader, too, though his power is different. The next time the Cullens were to come into contact with them, all Aro would have to do was take one of their hands, and he’d see the pack. He’d see you fought alongside the Cullens. No doubt would he insist on investigating.”

“I guess it means another fight then, huh?”

“Well, I hope not, Jake. I really, really hope not. This isn't like the newborn battle. This isn't something that you should be excited for. Really, I don't want any of you to even be here when they come, but Sam insists on staying.”

“Yeah, because if they start going fucking ape shit, eating everyone in La Push, Forks, and all of Washington, we are the only ones to stop it.”

“But you shouldn't have to.”

“I know we shouldn't have to, Bella. But guess what? We don’t have a choice.”

“I don’t want to think about this. I can't think this way. The deal with the Cullens has to be enough. That’s it.”

“So when is this happening?”

“I have no idea. They've been corresponding with the Cullens, and they'll let us know when.”

Too much, too much. Too much in one day. Great things. Bad things. I've never felt such a whirlwind of emotions in one singular day before. The shit was never-ending.

“I'm just drained, Jake. I'm tired.”

“I know.”

“Sometimes I wish I never moved back,” she whispered. “Things just would have been so much simpler.”

I sighed, resting my head against hers.

“Wouldn't it be nice if we were just, I don't know, ants or something?”

She laughed. “Maybe. But who knows? I mean, they can get stepped on any minute, too.”

“Yeah, well, nothing's guaranteed in this life, Bells. All we can do is fight. Try. Keep the ones we love close.”

I leaned away and looked at her face until she looked back.

“I'm not gonna leave again. I promise. I'm right here. You're not going through anything alone, Bella. It's always been me and you, stuck in the thick of it. And guess what? I wouldn't want to be dragged through hell with anyone else. You're my little sidekick through the chaos. We'll get through this.”

She nodded, lacing her fingers through mine.

“I should probably get you home. Billy needs to see you.”

“Yeah.”

“But Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad that you’re back.”

Chapter Text

“That kid is gonna give me a goddamn heart attack!” Charlie shot out of his kitchen chair and pushed it under the table with his thigh. “So now he’s back, but the friend took his place. Unbelievable! You know, the poor mother—God, she’s losing it. Somebody needs to talk to that woman. I don’t even know how many times she’s shown up to the station.”

He drank the rest of his coffee, dropped the mug in the sink, and rubbed his eyes which were red from working overtime.

“Everyone’s looking,” I said quietly. “I’m going to Joy’s later. Hopefully they’ll have some good news.”

I hated to think it, but I didn’t have much hope for that.

“Yeah, well, he better follow Jacob’s footsteps and show up soon.” He muttered more nonsense as he left the kitchen to put on his work boots. “You’re going straight over after work?”

“Yes. Bringing dinner with me.”

I opened the fridge to grab the leftovers from last night.

“Alright. I gotta get going. But uh, hey, Bells?”

I dreaded that tone—that hesitancy in his voice. My hand froze on the plastic container in the fridge, but I didn’t turn around. “Yes?”

“So. Jake’s back—”

I sighed, pulling the container out and shutting the fridge door.

“He hasn’t… bothered you about it, has he?”

I felt terrible for Charlie. He’d gotten so accustomed to not saying Edward’s name after I’d traumatized him with my depressive state last year. This breakup was nothing like that one, though.

“No, Dad.”

He cleared his throat. “Alright. You just let me know if anything happens. I gotta get going. Love you, Bells.”

“Love you too.”

And he left.

Edward hasn’t bothered me. He hasn’t reached out at all since I’d called him. In a way, I regret calling—it felt wrong, going behind everyone’s back. Especially Quil’s, who’d be infuriated if he knew. But them being mad at me would be worth it if it meant finding Embry, so I tried not to dwell on it.

I smoothed my work apron, plopped my keys on top of the tupperware, and headed for the door before I was late for my shift.

—

Joy’s house glowed against the dark night sky. Work had been the same as always, leaving me with too much time to think. I needed to fill my mind with distractions.

When I climbed out of the Mercedes and shut the door, my stomach dropped. Jacob was already in the doorway.

I still couldn’t believe he was here.

Part of me felt like yesterday had been a dream, and I could see in his relieved face that he felt the same.

The Ateara home had become something of a warm sanctuary to me—but even more so now, with Jake here. I walked toward him, unable to hide my smile. He would be the one to make me smile despite everything.

“Hey,” he said as I walked up the steps.

“Hey.”

A pause.

“C’mere.” He motioned me forward, his eyes lingering on my face before he pulled me into a classic bone-crushing Jacob hug.

I couldn’t even wrap my arms around him; he was too big, so I just sagged against him. His gray tee smelled clean, freshly washed with that familiar detergent I’d recognize anywhere.

If he wasn’t crushing me, I could’ve stayed like that for a while.

“Jake. Too. Tight.”

He let go immediately. “Sorry, honey. Just… happy to see you still. C’mon, get inside.”

We stepped in, and I immediately absorbed the cozy energy of the room. Cinnamon scented candles flickered on the coffee table, and instrumental music hummed at a low volume.

“Bella, did you have dinner?” Joy called from the kitchen, though I didn’t see her.

Of course she’d ask that.

“I already ate at work, but thank you!”

Quil was on the couch, staring off into space.

“Okay, I’ll be in back doing yard work if you need me.” The back door slid open and closed shortly after.

“Anything new?” I asked Quil, slipping off my shoes.

He was becoming more undone by the day. I waited for him to meet my eyes, but he didn’t. “Nothing. No.” He shook his head. “Leah and Sam are coming back from patrol to switch off with us and tell us where we should check next.”

I looked back at Jake. “Didn’t you already patrol today? You’re going again?”

“Yeah. Gotta make up for lost time.”

“Oh. Right.”

I hated not helping. I hated sitting around doing nothing. I hated how selfishly I didn’t want Jake to go. I wanted him to ground my thoughts and settle my nerves. We didn’t have enough time yesterday. But we all had to stay strong. At least I could keep Joy company.

“Wait. Speaking of Leah, did—”

“Nope.” Jake cut me off and sat beside me with a sigh. “She didn’t tell Liz yet. Dunno when they plan on doing that.”

“Where is Liz?”

He stiffened. “I was just with her. She’s at Em’s with Rach and Kim making bracelets or some shit. Seems to be fitting in just fine already.” He snorted.

Leah might’ve imprinted on Liz, but that didn’t erase the nagging jealousy in the back of my mind. I had to work hard to hide it from my face; the last thing I wanted was to give Jake the satisfaction of knowing he’d been right last night.

Such a stupid feeling. It didn’t even make sense. I could only boil it down to a funny feeling. No actual evidence.

“I think it’ll be good for Liz, though,” he continued. “To know, I mean. Her dad was a fucking deadbeat. She had nowhere else to go. She could find a family here maybe. A home with us.”

An ice pick stabbed my chest.

“She’s kinda lonely. I even tried to play wingman with her at a bar up there, but that didn’t work.”

“Jake, what were you doing at a bar?”

How old was she, anyway? I shoved the mental image of them sharing a drink at a bartop out of my mind.

“Not the point,” he said, brushing some hair out of his face.

I focused on the flickering candle flame that Quil was also staring at. “Well, it’s clear she was drawn to you initially.”

I couldn’t shake it. There was something there. Leave it to me to recognize a potential love triangle when I saw one. I could only hope Leah wouldn’t get caught in another one. Or worse…that I would. A quadruple triangle? A square? God help us all.

I forced the irrational, idiotic thoughts out of my mind.

He stiffened again. “Whaddya mean?”

I could feel him scanning my face. There was a tinge of guilt in his voice. I looked back at him—he was squinting, and he did look slightly guilty. But maybe it was in my head?

I squinted back.

“I mean like what I said yesterday. That she was drawn to you to get to Leah.”

“Oh.” He nodded, looking down at his palms. “Yeah. Yeah.”

I knew I should’ve kept my mouth shut, but why was he being so weird about it? It only fueled my suspicions.

I felt guilty for even caring about this total nonsense right now.

I turned to Quil. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He just shook his head and clenched his jaw. His curls were messier than usual, and his eyes looked far away. I didn’t want to push it. He’d already been pushed enough this week.

After a few minutes of total awkward silence, they heard voices outside before I did. Soon enough, Leah and Sam—bickering as usual—burst through the front door.

Quil immediately stood up, like he’d been waiting to leave, while Jake stayed put, still rigid.

“No! I’m not going there,” Leah snapped, storming into the living room, Sam right behind her as the screen door slapped shut.

“What do you mean? You know you can’t run from this!” Sam shot back.

“That’s what you want me to believe.”

“Well, you need to figure out what you’re doing, and fast.”

“I’m going to my house to eat with my little brother and forget I ever looked at her.” Leah’s voice cracked, but she covered it with a scoff.

Jake shook his head. “What the hell am I supposed to do here? Take her back home? She’s my friend. Kinda my responsibility.”

Another stab.

She spun toward him, eyes like daggers. “She can drive herself, can’t she?” Then she softened slightly. “Did she mention anything? Does she… sense anything?”

“Nah. She pretty much only sees sunshine and rainbows. Kinda oblivious. I think she’s just along for the ride.”

Leah groaned. “Goddamn it, why did you have to come back and fuck everything up like always?”

“Oh yeah, ’cause this is my fault.”

“It is! You just had to run off! You just had to bring her here!”

“Quit being dramatic. You just gotta rip the bandaid off, Leah.”

“No. The last thing I’ll do is take advice from you.” She flicked a dark glare at me.

Sam stepped between them. “Stop! There’s no point in this. She’s here, and she has to know.”

Leah squared her shoulders, trembling slightly. “I can control this.”

“Bullshit, Leah,” Jake muttered.

“You thought of her all patrol. You feel the pull right this second. I can smell it on you,” Sam said.

“A pull, yeah—but I’m not as weak as you, clearly.” Leah crossed her arms near the window. “What am I supposed to tell her? ‘Hey, by the way, I looked at you, and now you have to be around me, a gigantic wolf, for the rest of your life’? No. Stop trying to make it an order.”

Jake smirked. “I mean, Sam, she’s kinda got a point. It hasn’t even changed her stubborn ass personality. Maybe you are all full of shit.”

“Quiet, Black. You don’t understand, and you never will.” Sam rolled his eyes.

Jake raised a brow. He didn’t understand what Sam fully meant—unless someone had told him about what Quil and I discovered. I doubt anyone had yet. I’d have to tell him soon, even if it wasn’t definite. Jacob imprinting was still a possibility.

Regardless, I exhaled softly.

“You know what I think it is?” Leah sneered, pacing. “I think you’re all just too immature. You think I’m the emotional one, but it’s you idiots who can’t keep your shit in check. Maybe your need to obey the imprint is just your raging, repressed teenage hormones.”

“I was twenty when I imprinted,” Sam bit out. “How many times do I have to explain I didn’t have a choice?”

“Here we go,” Quil mumbled.

“I don’t buy that,” Leah shot back, pointing a finger at his face. “I’ve imprinted. Now I know how it feels. I don’t even think it’s an imprinting thing—I think it’s a you thing. Imprinting didn’t take away how much you piss me off. Honestly, I think it’s made it worse because now I really see how little self-control you have.”

Sam’s fists tightened.

“Look at Jared,” she continued, tone mocking. “Kim already liked him, so that worked. With Paul, Rachel stayed away from his dumbass, but he didn’t hunt her down. He just tried to impress her when she came around and somehow that worked. She is related to Jacob, though. Both of them probably have the stupid lovesick gene for mediocre people who give them an ounce of attention.”

Ouch.

Leah’s gaze flicked to Jacob, who looked even more uncomfortable. “If Liz was dating this idiot”—she nodded toward him—“or anybody else, I wouldn’t get in between.”

Double ouch. Did Leah sense something weird between them too?

“Enough of this,” Sam snapped. It was clear she’d struck a nerve.

Leah looked at Jake. “Tell her to go home. She shouldn’t even be here with all this going on.”

Jacob cleared his throat. “I’ll talk to her. See what she wants to do.”

“My God, can we go already?” Quil demanded, tapping his foot.

“Yeah, yeah.” Jake went to stand up, accidentally nudged my knee and looked back at me. “Sorry.”

I just twitched.

Sam and Leah went over the routes they’d already covered with Jake and Quil. It amazed me how they could fight like that and then suddenly focus and work together. Right before I dropped Jake off at his house last night, he explained more about him now being in a one-man pack, which didn’t really make any sense to me, but it seemed to stress Sam out whatever it meant. Quil and Leah were thrilled about it though.

I felt awkward just sitting there, picking at my fingernails.

Shortly after, Leah and Sam left.

Quil went to say goodbye to Joy and when he came back to the living room, he and Jake pulled off their shirts, tossing them onto the couch.

Quil waved. “Bye Bella.”

“Cya Bells.” Jake nodded, a glint of unease in his eyes.

Just as Quil opened the door, someone walked up the steps.

His eyes widened. He stumbled back, shaking himself out of the daze no one had been able to shake him out of all week.

It was an evidently distraught Tiffany Call.

“I need to speak with you and your mother.”

Her tone wasn’t angry, exactly—it was territorial, animalistic. A mother bear, rabid with worry over her cub. Or, I suppose, her wolf pup.

“I—is everything—uh, okay? Hold on.” Quil stuttered over his words and fell back into the house. Much too clumsy for a shifter—it reminded me of before he’d phased. He jogged across the living room, to the back of the kitchen. I heard the glass door slide open with a screech. “Mom!”

Jake stood awkwardly in the foyer as Tiffany judged his shirtlessness and bare feet. She must’ve been so confused, so tired of not knowing. What could she be thinking had happened to the boy she’d watched grow up? How he’d changed so drastically—and in the same strange way her own son had, right before her eyes?

What did she make of it?

“Anything?” Silent tears streamed down her face. Charlie was right. She was not okay. Tiffany had always looked young to me, but right now she looked like she’d aged ten years. Deep lines framed her tired brown eyes, her long brown hair was tangled, and her outfit—a pink tee, grease stained sweats, and an old beige crossbody bag—didn’t fit her usual edgy style. Through her misery, she still looked beautiful.

Jake shook his head. “No. I’m sorry.”

She held back a sob and looked at me. “Your father hasn’t found anything, has he?”

I shook my head. “No.” It came out as a whisper.

“But we won’t stop looking. I promise,” Jake said, motioning for her to come inside.

“Tiffany?” Joy’s voice was frantic. She and Quil hurried back into the living room. “What’s going on?”

I’d never seen Quil look so afraid.

Jacob rubbed Tiffany’s shoulder as she tried to compose herself.

“I’m sorry, I—.” More tears flowed. “I didn’t want to have to do this, but I need to speak with you all. He’s here more than at home. You know him. I don’t. Not anymore. He keeps me in the dark about everything, and now I think I know why.”

All of us seemed to stop breathing.

“I haven’t slept since he disappeared. I-I had to. I had to look. I looked through his things.”

More silence.

Tiffany pulled a notebook from her bag. “I need you to read this and tell me if it has anything to do with why he ran away. Be honest with me. I can handle it.” She spoke mostly to Quil.

He hesitated. She handed him the notebook, open near the end. Would Embry have written something about being a shifter that she’d even understand?

Quil took it eagerly but defeatedly. As he read, his face reddened, like he was about to faint. His breathing grew shallow. He shook.

He was in pain.

“This has nothing to do with it.”

“I’m not here to start anything or judge—”

“This is nothing.” He couldn’t look her in the eye.

Joy and Jacob stood there, confused.

But I knew.

“What is this about?” Joy asked. “Honey, can I read it?”

“I don’t care. I don’t fucking care anymore.” He tossed the book to her and stormed to the stairs, heaving.

I leapt from the couch to follow him, but he stopped me.

“No, Bella.”

“Quil—”

“Leave me alone!”

And he flew up the creaky steps and slammed his bedroom door shut. The faint click of the lock made me back off.

Jacob was behind me, his hand on my waist to steady me as I stepped back off the step.

This couldn’t have been about Embry being a shifter. Quil wouldn’t have reacted like that.

I looked up at Jake’s confused face. We lingered by the railing.

“This might be too private. Are you sure you want me to—” Joy began, but Tiffany held up a hand.

“He’s missing, Joy. No more secrets.”

Joy smoothed the page before reading. As she did, her lips pressed tight and her eyes went wet. It didn’t take her long to finish.

“Please,” Tiffany begged. “I know the statistics on this stuff. I’m not here to cause an issue with your son. I just need to know—if he’s safe, if you know anything, if he’s said anything like this around you.”

Joy shut the book and wiped her eyes. “I really don’t know if this has anything to do with it, Tiffany. I wish I could help you.”

“Did you know about our sons?”

Joy hesitated, glancing at Jake and me. “I suspected.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Tiffany’s voice broke as tears streamed again. “Do you think I wouldn’t be okay with it? Do you think he thought I wouldn’t be okay with it? Did he say that?”

Jacob stood rigid beside me, more confused than ever. He was careful not to say anything.

“No, no, hon—”

“I don’t want him to feel ashamed. I want him to know I love him, no matter what. He didn’t have to run away. Oh God.”

She fell forward, but Joy caught her. “If I’d known, I would’ve eased up on him. I wouldn’t have been so fucking hard on him all this time. I don’t want to lose my kid. I don’t want to lose my kid.”

Joy took Tiffany by the shoulders and guided her to the kitchen. “Come on, hon. Calm down, calm down.”

While Joy soothed her, making her drink some water, Jake bent down and picked up the notebook. “What the fuck is going on here?”

“Jake—” I hesitated.

He looked at me, eyes wide in disbelief. “What? You know something I don’t?”

“Well, I-I don’t know. I have to see.”

I didn’t want to invade Embry’s privacy—I really didn’t. But Jake was his best friend. And if this could help us find him…

He opened to the page, and we read it together:

Where’s my life even going? Any of our lives? We’re all dropouts with nothing ahead of us. We’re all stuck. I’m stuck.

I’ll probably die alone. What other option is there?

I’ve always known. I’ve accepted it. But pushing it down might be what kills me.

Sometimes it feels like everything is closing in. Like there’s no way out of this version of me that everyone expects. I keep pretending it doesn’t matter. Pretending works till it doesn’t.

Even writing this is a risk. Thinking is a risk.

I’m tired of smothering it, of warping my thoughts into something easier for everyone to hear. I’ve fooled them at least.

They don’t pick up on it. We’re all just friends. He’s just a friend. My best friend.

He’s just a friend. Quil Ateara is just a friend.

Can I live with that?

Jake stood behind me in silence.

When I finally turned, our eyes met and I saw it hit him.

It clicked.

Then his gaze drifted to the kitchen, where both of his best friends’ mothers were folded into each other, breaking under the weight of the grim possibilities of what might have happened to Embry Call.

Chapter Text

“Liz… can we talk outside for a sec before I head out?” I leaned on the back of the chair across from her, balancing a wrapped-up breakfast plate Emily packed for Billy in one hand.

She broke away from Kim and Rach to look at me, a forkful of pancake frozen halfway to her mouth. “Now?”

Couldn’t blame her for getting comfy at Emily’s, but… did she seriously not notice anything weird around here? Like, I don’t know, maybe the giant half naked guys coming in and out of the house all damn day? Or were the girls enough of a distraction?

“Yeah, just for a minute,” I said, tapping the chair. “I know things kinda went sideways since we got here. Just need to see where your head’s at.”

Liz nodded a little too fast and put her fork down. “Oh. Okay, well, if it’s about me being here…I don’t want to overstay my welcome or anything.” She looked over at Em by the stove.

“The one friend I make…” Kim mumbled as she chewed. She’d always been the quiet one, but Liz dragged the voice right out of her. It seemed like Liz took Kim on like a younger sister already.

Emily spun around, spatula in hand. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, Liz. It’s not a bother to us at all.”

She didn’t want her out of a place to stay and she saw her as a fellow imprintee now, sure, but I knew it was more than that. Sam wanted Liz to know. I bet him and Em hoped it’d help Leah move the hell on, too.

Keeping the secret was a pain in the ass, but I still didn’t get how Sam couldn’t agree with me and Leah that Liz would be safest back in Canada. Keeping Tiffany in the dark was already the fucking worst, so why make it more complicated? The old ass bloodsuckers could show up any day now and any human who knew too much was automatically at risk.

Sam just didn’t see it that way. Thought it didn’t apply to imprintees. Said sending Liz home would “defy nature” and make Leah unfocused.

It was weird, not having to obey Sam’s orders anymore. To disagree. I could physically feel the rift between us now. Two Alphas in a small room. I didn’t look at him though I’m sure if he had control over me still, I would’ve had to. I felt his stare burn through me.

Liz stood, wiping her hands on a napkin before taking a bite of her food. She followed me outside, her hair almost catching in the screen door as it slapped shut behind her. The sun finally broke through the trees–first time I’d seen it in a while.

“Do you want me to go home?” she asked, cocking her head.

“No, no. I’m just thinking. I mean, what about your house? Your… dad?”

She crossed her arms and looked away. Of course the purple on her eyelids matched everything else. Purple shirt, purple headband, purple bracelet. Committed to the bit as always.

“C’mon, you bugged me about the same thing,” I said. “You were the one who convinced me to come back here.”

“That’s different. You have an amazing family here.”

I sighed. “Look, I know he sucks, but does he know where you are? That you’re good?”

“I spoke to him a few nights ago.”

“And?”

“Well, we kind of got into a fight.”

“Oh? About what?”

She looked embarrassed.

“You were right,” she exhaled. “I heard a woman in the background. A child, too. He didn’t even try to hide it this time. I guess I took that as a sign.”

Shit. I didn’t want to be right, but come on. It was obvious.

“I’m okay,” she said quietly.

No, she wasn’t. That much was obvious too.

“I’m used to the disappointment. He said he’s coming back soon, which probably isn’t true. But even if it is, I-I don’t want to see him. He sent me more money this time. I could get a hotel if you want me to. I don’t want you to feel like I’m freeloading at your friend’s house.”

Goddamnit.

I clicked my tongue. “Naw, it’s not that. It’s not–I don’t care. It’s good having you around. We’re all just kinda going through it right now. I just don’t want you getting all bored around here while I’m busy.”

What the fuck was I supposed to do? Make her feel even worse? I’d have to think of some other excuse to get her to leave.

“Oh, silly Jacob.” She smiled, sticking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Do you know how desperately I’ve been wanting girl friends? Kim, Emily, your sister—they’re amazing! Leah seems cool too, I just haven’t talked to her much. She seems to go out with you guys a lot.”

I cleared my throat. “Yeah. She’s more of a tomboy, I guess.”

“I’m not planning on staying for too long, don’t worry. But really, I’m fine for now! It seems like Emily and Sam want me to stay, and I wouldn’t mind helping you look for your friend.”

“I don’t think—”

“I could help! But I’m wearing shoes. Seriously, what is with the barefoot thing? Like, don’t you get splinters?”

I should’ve had an excuse ready for this, but I didn’t, so I just pulled something out of my ass.

“We… don’t want our shoes to get all muddy. Easier to go barefoot than keep ruining them in the woods.” I scratched my face trying to hide the fact I knew how fucking dumb that sounded.

She raised a brow and laughed. “Right…okay. Wait, you guys are still looking that deep in the woods?”

“Yeah. Everywhere. There’s bears and other stuff out there though. It’s not safe for you to help.”

“I do keep hearing coyotes howling all the time. Definitely different from my seaside city.”

Coyotes? Damn. Did we really sound like that? Those things are probably like fifty pounds soaking wet.

Familiar footsteps crunched around the side of the house. Fast, then slower. A sigh, then an exhausted Leah appeared, hair a total mess from patrol. She saw us, froze, then kept walking.

Barefoot, she stomped up the porch steps, yanking back her sweat-soaked hair that dripped onto the wood. She didn’t make eye contact.

“Oh, hi!” Liz waved.

“Hey,” Leah muttered. Her whole body softened a little but she still brushed past us and went straight inside, screen door slamming hard.

Sure as shit was stronger than the guys. They would’ve folded instantly.

Liz scratched her cheek looking awkward.

“She’s just like that,” I said. “Don’t take it personal.”

“I figured. Not everyone can be as annoying as me.”

“You’re not annoying. You’re just…chipper.”

She giggled.

“Well, I hope so,” she said. “Also… I’d like to see Bella too. She seems quiet, but she should hang out with us!”

“Sure, sure. I’ll tell her that.”

Yeah, like hell I will.

“About that,” she started. “Did you—?”

“What?”

She gave me a knowing look.

Oh, great.

“Did you tell her about—”

“No.” I cut her off fast. I knew what she meant. Just hoped she’d forgotten. Prayed it was a hallucination.

“Okay, okay. Well, it’s not that big of a deal, Jacob. If you need me to, I could explain that it was nothing! I mean, you thought she…passed, so, um. But are you even back together?”

I didn’t even want to know what my face looked like.

“No. We don’t got time for that. Just don’t. Don’t mention it to anyone. Please.” I shot a quick look through the window. Leah didn’t hear, she seemed too focused on inhaling her breakfast.

“Okay, calm down! You’re definitely happier though. I know you’re stressed but I can still see it. You’re glowing!”

“Sure, whatever.” I rolled my eyes so hard they strained. “But listen, when you decide to go back home, I’ll go with you. We can stop wherever you want. Load up on snacks again.”

“Sounds good! But seriously, don’t feel bad. If I were home, I’d be doing absolutely nothing. I probably would’ve caved and called my stupid ex out of sheer boredom.”

I snorted.

“Okay, well, I’m gonna finish breakfast. Kim’s taking me banana slug hunting today. Whatever that means?”

“Yeah, go, go.”

Once she went inside, I waited a minute, then looked through the window again. Liz stared at Leah curiously while my sister yapped away at her but Leah managed to avoid her. Maybe cause Sam was there.

I turned and left before I got dragged into any bullshit. Jumped into the Rabbit, set Billy’s plate on my lap, and fired up the engine.

Leah and Liz… I guess I could see it. Maybe someday in the future. Or maybe they’d just end up being the first imprint friends. Anything could happen these days.

Hell, apparently my two best friends were in love with each other this whole time and I didn’t even know.

The more I thought about it all week, the more it made sense. Quil used to overcompensate, pretending he had crushes on random girls but never doing anything about it. Bry never showed interest in…anyone.

I’d caught them looking at each other sometimes, lingering too long. I just didn’t put it together. You’d think sharing a hivemind would’ve made it obvious.

No. They buried it deep.

If that’s why Bry left… God.

This whole time, I’d been worried he ran off to find my dumbass. I didn’t like that thought, but I fucking hated the idea of him leaving cause he thought he couldn’t talk to us about this. That we would’ve thought of him any differently.

Yeah, Paul and Jared would probably say stupid shit but they do that with everyone.

My stomach twisted, thinking about Tiffany crying in Joy’s kitchen last week. Thinking about Bry, lost in that same hopelessness.

Would anything we could’ve said have even mattered? Would any of it have been enough to make him stay? Could Quil have said anything? Would them being together even make a difference?

How deep did that pain run?

Wondering about it didn’t help. Not at all. It was fucking me up.

I shoved it out of my head.

When I got home, my dad was already at the table, syrup and coffee in front of him. I put the plate down.

“You’re not gonna eat with me?” he asked.

“I already ate there.”

He squinted at me, then looked down at the food. “Well, I could’ve made something myself at that point.”

“Yeah, I know. Sorry. I was hungry.”

He blabbed about normal human stuff while I did the dishes. The game, the rez, stocking the shed–boring, grounding stuff. It kinda eased my mind. At least he wasn’t pissed at me anymore, so I let him ramble. Finished the dishes, cleaned up, did his laundry, put away his clothes.

The old man was lonely. Rach had been spending a lot of time at Paul’s after a few fights with dad, but we kept her couch ready for when she’d come back. He wheeled in front of the TV, flicked on an old western. “You staying?” he asked, eyes glued to the screen. He wanted me to.

“Yeah. I’ll hang back. Lemme just call Bella first, see if she’s around later.”

He nodded.

I grabbed the phone and dialed her cell. It rang a few times before she picked up.

“Jake, I’m about to go into work. Is everything okay?”

Always on edge. I missed when neither of us were in survival mode. A short window of time but one I’d always cherish.

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. Just wanted to see if you were around later. Sun’s out. Figured we could hit the beach before I trek out tonight.” I twisted the phone cord and bent down to look at the calendar hanging on the wall. It was two months behind, so I flipped it to September.

“Oh. Sure. I get out at five. I could meet you at five-thirty?”

“That works. First Beach?”

“Yes. I’ll see you then. Bye, Jake.”

“Bye, Bells.”

I hung up, still staring at the calendar, trying to calculate how long Bry could’ve been gone for. Must’ve been a week and a half. Two? Dread climbed up my throat and I shook it away, still eyeing the calendar’s boxes.

Shit.

The 13th.

I missed her birthday.

Dad groaned as I jogged across the living room to my room. I checked the window ledge next to my bed but it wasn’t there. Looked in the crevices of my bed, under my pillow, on the floor.

Where the fuck?

I spun around like an idiot.

It wasn’t here.

On my dresser, I found a stupid, depressing letter I’d written her months ago. Looked like it’d been moved. Even if the old man did read it, whatever. It’s not like he didn’t already know how I felt.

“C’mon, kid, you’re missing the best part!” Billy yelled from the other room.

I crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash.

—

The sun had me half-blind, but I knew it was her coming up the beach from the sound of her feet and her heart. Both thuddy and nervous. I raised a hand over my eyes, squinting till I could make out her face. She was smiling, showing teeth, now that the sun finally decided to show up.

I cleaned myself up a little. Brushed out my hair, threw on a clean shirt. She’d only seen me looking like hell lately. Couldn’t hurt to look somewhat human.

I got up off the driftwood log I’d been sitting on, and yeah, maybe got a little breathless as she came closer.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” She was still beaming.

“Whatcha been up to?”

“Just working a lot. Sorry I haven’t been able to come down.”

“Nah, it’s all good. Admirable, really. Keeping a job through all this mess.”

“What else would I do? Sit around all day and get Charlie on my case?”

“Got a point.”

She wore brown corduroy pants and a dark blue sleeveless top that made her skin look even more insanely pale.

“Figured you could use some Vitamin D today. Oh, and uh—happy late birthday, by the way.”

I knew she didn’t like being celebrated, especially not for her birthday. Guess that was kind of a common thing with chicks from what I’d seen in movies. Didn’t like aging or whatever. My sisters weren’t like that though. Then again, you don’t spend time worrying about wrinkles when your mom barely got any time at all.

Part of me sometimes thought that was a deciding factor as to why Bella wanted to become a bloodsucker. Pissed me off. So damn trivial.

I braced for her to shush me, but she didn’t. She kept her smile and said, “Thanks.”

I raised a brow. “That’s it? No trying to drown me for acknowledging you’re old now?”

“Not today.”

“Dang, a miracle. Can’t wait to see how you are when your brain fully develops.”

She smirked. “Same for you.”

“Yeah, we’re gonna be some wise asses.”

“Truly enlightened.”

We laughed but it sounded tired. We both knew the potential reality.

“Anyway, I got you this.” I held out the small potted succulent I’d grabbed from Sue’s before heading over, along with a bag of strawberry Twizzlers. “Figured your cactus could use a friend… and you could use a treat.”

She turned the hand painted pot in her hands, inspecting it. “This is beautiful, Jake. I love it.”

“Good,” I said, tearing open the Twizzlers bag and sticking one in her mouth before she could say anything else. “And I got these cause they kinda smell like you.”

She laughed around it. “My scent will never not be a topic of discussion, huh?”

“No, not like that. It’s like your shampoo.”

“Oh.” She furrowed a brow.

“Yeah. Uh, well, I actually had something else for you, but I couldn’t find it. It was a mini truck I carved–your truck.”

Her eyes widened and she got all pink.

“What?”

“I, um, actually–” She set the succulent in the sand and pulled something from her back pocket. “This?”

It dangled between her fingers. The little red truck.

“Wait, how did you get it?”

“I’m sorry.” She got pinker. “I was at your house one night for a bonfire, and I went inside for something and saw it. I shouldn’t have taken it–”

“No, no, it’s fine. Seriously.” My heart thudded loud in my ears.

She went in my room.

“It’s yours anyway. I…honestly didn’t even know if I was gonna give it to you. Glad you already had it.”

She smiled down at it. “Well, it’s perfect. At least I can keep some piece of my truck with me.”

Her smile faded a little, and that did something to me. “I’ve gotta take a look at it soon,” I said. “Fix it up for you.”

“Edward said it was unfixable.”

I groaned. “Yeah, bullshit, Bells. He doesn’t know shit. It was in pretty bad shape before Charlie gave it to you. I can fix it again.”

She sat down on the log and I followed.

“So…” she said quietly. “Have you talked to Quil? I don’t want to bother him. I’m not sure if he’s ready to talk yet.”

“He’s been real quiet. Think he needs some space. I’ve been giving it.”

She sighed. “I just want him to be okay.”

“You knew, huh?”

“Yes,” she said softly. “He told me…right over there actually.” She pointed down the beach. “I hate that none of this was on their own terms.”

“Yeah.” I blew out a breath. “They hid it well. That’s not easy to do when you’re sharing a brain. Believe me, I’ve tried. Didn’t want any of them having to listen to me bitching about–”

She looked away, uncomfortably.

“I mean, bitching about everything. Not just, you know…”

“I get it.”

“They had to lock it down tight. Like, basically not allow themselves to think it at all. It just sucks. They didn’t have to.”

“It must’ve been very hard for them.”

“Yeah.” I exhaled. “But sometimes when you tell yourself something long enough, you start to believe it. Till the truth comes out. Which it always does.”

She watched the water rolling up on the sand. “Mhm.”

“You got pretty close to Quil while I was gone it seems like.”

“I’d say so. Him and Joy. I really love being around them.”

“That’s good,” I said, trying to sound convincing.

She turned and tilted her head at me, reading me too well.

“I just feel like a dick,” I admitted. “Did they really think they couldn’t talk to me about it? Quil felt like he couldn’t talk to me?”

“It’s not about you, Jake. Don’t make it about you.”

“I know, I know. But those are my boys, you know. I just… hope that’s not why Bry ran. This shit is eating at me, Bells.”

“Do you actually think that’s why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” I sighed.

“I’ll try to see Quil and see if he’ll talk to me. Too much alone time isn’t good either. I don’t want him spiraling. You should try too.”

I nodded. “I will, yeah.”

We were both quiet for a moment. Too deep in thought.

Then she gestured toward me. “You look nice and clean today.”

I snorted. “Thanks. Feel clean, too.”

She took out another Twizzler and bit it. “You can have one. I’m not gonna eat them all.”

“Sweet.” I took one and chewed while the waves crashed closer to us. The water looked nice and cold like it could wipe my thoughts away for a bit.

“Wanna go for a swim?” I asked knowing she might kick me.

She stared at me. “What?”

“Don’t the waves look fun?” I got up off the log.

“Didn’t you learn from last time I can’t swim very well?”

“Didn’t you learn from last time I wouldn’t let you drown?”

“Jake, no.”

I kicked off my shoes, grinning.

“Jake–”

“Fuck it,” I said, pulling off my shirt and throwing it. “We don’t know how much time we’ve got left on this floating rock, honey.”

“I–I don’t have a bathing suit!”

“Don’t need one.”

I waded into the shallow water, the water lapping at my ankles. I turned back.

“You comin’ or what?”

She groaned. “Come on!”

“No, you come on!”

I laughed, walking deeper in. It’d definitely be cold for her but it felt nice against my skin. I turned again to see her taking off her shoes, muttering to herself like her dad does.

She might’ve seemed annoyed but I knew deep down she wanted to do something. I knew that secret adrenaline junkie still lived in her in some way.

She stepped in, instantly shrieking. “Jake! It’s freezing!”

“It’s the warmest it’s gonna get. C’mere, I won’t let you get all blue.”

She glared, shivering, but kept walking till the water reached her chest.

“See?” I said, dunking my head back. “Not so bad once you’re all in.”

“It’s still cold,” she said through chattering teeth. Then she tilted her face toward the sun, soaking it up. Golden hour set the ocean on fire and for a second, the world narrowed to just her and me–the heat on our skin, the taste of salt.

I just watched her. Droplets clung to her skin, catching the light; her lips curled into this tiny, stubborn smile. Something in my chest tugged. Even the water went still around her like it ached for her, too.

“You good?” I asked, quieter. “Sun warming you up?”

She opened her eyes and looked straight at me. “Yes. Always.”

God. I wanted to reach out and just touch her. Show her how much she wrecked me, how she always had. I wanted to ruin all the progress we’d made in trying to suppress these feelings. I didn’t care that I felt them more. Maybe hers had faded completely. It didn’t change anything for me, as sad as that was.

I wanted to tell her everything I had to swallow. Tell her how crazy I was about her. How in love with her I was. Especially right now as I watched her in her element being kissed by the sun. Cause if it all went to shit tomorrow, I’d at least want her to know how real it was for me. Right up until the end.

But of course, the universe hates me, so a massive wave rolled in right then.

Her eyes widened. I grabbed her waist and propped her up before she could go under.

“Hold your breath!” I yelled as it crashed over us. The salt in my mouth and noise in my ears snapped me back into reality. When I broke the surface, she was laughing, shaking out her hair, eyes lit up.

“Oh my God,” she gasped between laughs.

There she was. That little thrill seeker.

“Jesus, you okay?”

“Honestly? I feel like I needed that. Kind of refreshing.”

We just floated there for a minute, catching our breath. I looked for more oncoming waves that might be heading toward us but there were none.

A big wad of bullwhip kelp drifted by us. Its nasty green stalks whipped in the water, bulbs bobbing, basically begging me to grab it.

She saw where my eyes went. “Jake. Don’t.”

I grinned, grabbed it and plopped it right on her head.

She screamed, threw it at me, the slime trailing down my chest. She went running for the shore–a hilarious sight–and I chased her.

I flung it back at her.

“Ugh!” She spun around and stamped her foot. “Ew!”

It was a war with the kelp till she finally tumbled onto the sand, breathless. I followed, collapsing beside her, dripping and filthy.

She looked filthy too, but somehow even more beautiful. I didn’t even understand it. I couldn’t help what came out of my mouth.

“You don’t make it easy, Bells.”

She averted her gaze to the ocean, but I couldn’t look anywhere else.