Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Days were passing by so quickly. Every new one was a new adventure, a new challenge for them. Even if Sigma read thousands of blogs, a few books, and was still searching for information on how to be a perfect parent, it exhausted him now that he needed to be one. Nikolai wasn't worried, he just did what his instinct told him, and what Sigma taught him.

For someone as careless as Nikolai, who wasn't serious most of the time, he really gave himself all for Theo. Whatever Theo needed, Nikolai would give him. Whenever he cried, he would be the first one to figure out why. Even Sigma couldn't do it sometimes.

Responsibility for that child changed him to be responsible himself, to take time off his day and stop with the teasing he practiced before. Sigma was tired most of the time, and Nikolai respected him enough to not tire him more in bed.

Sigma was a light sleeper, just one sound could wake him up. Hearing Theo’s crying would always bring him to his feet. On the other hand, sounds couldn't wake up Nikolai, but the body that was hugging him getting out of bed could. He would simply kiss Sigma's forehead, or even his sweet lips, tell him to go back to sleep, and go calm Theo down.

And Fyodor? Nothing could wake him up in the middle of the night. He slept with his body turned the other way, not making physical contact with Sigma, nor with Nikolai. He wouldn’t mind sleeping in an empty bed. After all, nothing would feel like it's missing.

When he would wake up, he wouldn't dare look at Nikolai holding Theo, he would just wait for him to carry him out of their room, going back to sleep, trying to push away the guilt of not being able to love Theo like they do.

He didn't have much contact with Theo. Here and there was enough for him. When Sigma and Nikolai gave him a task, he would do it. But other than that, he showed his care by taking the responsibility for the casino finances and paperwork. He worked behind closed doors of his office, cooked lunch and dinner, ignoring Sigma when he called for help to calm Theo down when something was wrong. Nikolai would come regardless, ready to help.

Once again, money he had he spent on toys for Theo, that were more Nikolai's than Theo's. Nikolai would take his stuffed animals and play with them, making Theo watch and listen to whatever he was talking. He might not understand his twisted stories, but Nikolai had that something to get Theo's attention, to make him happy with just being there, or to simply make him smile when playing peekaboo.

Fodor would look at Sigma, finding his eyes perfect, yet looking at Theo, who had the same ones, was a completely different story.

The only emotion on Theo’s face when facing Fyodor would be confusion. Sometimes even curiosity. He wasn’t even self-aware yet, but looking at the face so static, so cold, was so different from seeing his other two dads smiling, having a spark in their eyes that Fyodor didn’t.

He rarely had that pleasure of seeing Theo smile directly at him. However, Fyodor wouldn’t call it pleasure, but disappointment. How does looking at Sigma’s eyes never disappoint but looking at their baby always does?

Fyodor was cooking dinner with his back turned to Sigma who was just finishing singing the lullaby. Theo was sleeping peacefully. Finally, some peace after him crying for 15 whole minutes.

He was cutting the vegetables when he felt Sigma’s presence behind him. He could feel his body heat at his neck, same as the hesitation that Sigma was in. But, shrugging away the feeling, Sigma put his chin on Fyodor’s shoulder and looked at his hands that were working on their dinner. He seemed so focused that Sigma questioned if this was even a good idea. But he was here now. He needed to ask the questions he so eagerly wanted to know the answers to.

“Are you okay?” he asked quietly, still too afraid that Theo was just in the faze of falling asleep, that just him asking this would wake him up.

For a moment, Fyodor was silent. If he had a drug in his system that would make him tell the truth, he would answer that he doesn’t know. After all, that is the truth. He was fine with him doing the paperwork, cooking and cleaning… but not being able to connect with Theo was a problem that he wasn’t okay with, even if he tried to be.

“Are you?” Fyodor asked back, dodging the question. He just hoped that Sigma was too tired to see through it, too stressed that he will start talking about his struggles like he always does. Because no, Sigma wasn’t okay. He was tired. Exhausted even. Not just that; he was confused by Fyodor’s actions. Worried; that Fyodor truly wasn’t okay, feeling like something is very wrong.

So, he frowned, “I’m concerned about you. Nikolai is too.”

They already talked it through, made theories on what is going on in Fyodor’s mind and what they could do to help.

Fyodor avoided eye contact. Easy enough. He was cooking, holding a knife, and cutting vegetables. It was reasonable that he was looking at what he was doing, “Don’t be.”

“I have to be!” Sigma said, raising his voice just a bit, giving all his attention to Fyodor now that Theo was sleeping, “You were never this… this distant”, it sounded more like a question than a sentence.

“I am not being distant”, Fyodor spoke, but his voice gave away just how much he wished that he wasn’t asked that indirect question, “I am simply busy with Casino’s paperwork and my own work.”

“You’re lying. And even if you aren’t, it seems like you give yourself too much work on purpose”, Sigma wanted to turn Fyodor around, but he knew how useless it would be. “Something’s bothering you”, he hesitated for a moment before continuing, “You aren’t acting like yourself… You haven’t been acting like yourself for weeks.”

When he realized he wouldn't be getting an answer from Fyodor, he began speaking again, “Is it because…” and he regretted it, shutting up immediately. He wasn’t ready to ask the question he wanted. He wasn’t ready to feel the guilt that would come with Fyodor answering positively.

“Is what?” Fyodor asked. He tried to stay calm, to fake indifference and seem like he isn’t bothered by Sigma’s closeness, by his questions and by the obligation to answer it, “What is it that you think you know?”

“Is it…” Sigma took a breath, “Do you regret this?”

Fyodor froze, feeling the tension grow. He kept his eyes on the knife that he was holding, his hand stopping the movements of cutting the vegetables. The second he heard the word ‘regret’ slipping over Sigma’s tongue, he felt like the knife he was holding went through him, ripping him in half. He breathed in and answered with the simple “no.”

“But…” Sigma sighed, trying his best to stay calm, “Why have you been so distant lately then? You barely even spend any time with Theo, nor… with us”, he mumbled, moving his chin closer to Fyodor’s neck. It hurt him to even say this.

Fyodor was silent for way too long, unable to find the words. So, he decided to say ones that should be safe, “I haven’t been distancing myself…” he answered unconvincingly. It seemed like he wanted it to be the truth, but he knew that gaslighting himself wouldn’t get him anywhere, “I’ve been simply busy.”

Sigma didn’t wait a moment; “When was the last time you actually bonded with him? Or us… even!?” he whispered loudly, trying to keep his voice down to not wake Theo up.

“I do the cooking, I try to clean when I’m home and keep order, I do finances-” he would continue listing things he does for his family, but Sigma stopped him.

“I know. You’ve been doing the work, and that’s great, and I appreciate it, believe me… but… I… I miss you… we miss you”, Sigma said as his hand went to hold Fyodor’s, making him put the knife down and let go of it. Fyodor let it be. He released the grip he had on it, “Forget the cooking, it can wait… just let us have you... just for once again. Please.”

That ‘please’ sounded so genuine, so desperate, so loving yet full of pain. A shiver of guilt ran down Fyodor’s spine as he felt Sigma’s lips gently kissing his neck. Fyodor’s eyes locked on a random spot of the kitchen counter. He wanted to turn his head, to kiss back, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He felt too much shame to take this into his own hands and control the situation that he was not ready for, not worthy of. “If you insist”, he mumbled back.

Sigma smiled. It was more of a sad smile than a happy one, but it was genuine. To have Fyodor again, or at least to feel like he has him back, “Come on then”, he whispered, moving away and taking Fyodor’s hand, avoiding his wrist that he knew Fyodor hated being held, guiding him to their room where Nikolai was probably doing his own thing.

Fyodor felt his heart pound in his chest as he followed Sigma, letting him drag him. His head was filled with many thoughts as a wave of pain and regret hit him. He was not in the mood to argue or fight, nor to explain himself to them. He feared their reaction to the truth, he wouldn’t want to ruin the happiness they felt over their newborn.

He knew that Sigma had good intentions, but right now, everything inside him was just so confusing that he didn’t know which feelings were present, or real. He kept his gaze down as he followed him into their room.

And there was Nikolai, who was trying to keep his eyes open, not daring to fall asleep. He knew just how tired Sigma is, and he wouldn’t want to put all the responsibility on Sigma if Theo wakes up, needing something from them.

His sleepiness was interrupted once he heard the door. He looked up, seeing Sigma pulling Fyodor by his hand, sitting him down and getting on his lap. He looked at him in question. If Fyodor could just see their gazes meeting, he would know just how much Sigma and Nikolai talked about him, how worried they were.

But Nikolai understood Sigma’s gaze, he understood what he tried telling him; ‘We got him. Maybe, just maybe, this will go well’, so he sat up, and he crawled to Fyodor, putting his hands on his shoulders and mouthing ‘good job’ to Sigma. They were trying to get him to at least give any kind of attention to either Theo, or them. This was a good start.

Fyodor was now between his two lovers; with Sigma sitting on his lap, and Nikolai breathing close to his neck, feeling him press against his back, “Fucking finally”, he whispered before kissing it.

He could just back away, move Sigma from his lap and stand up, walk out of the room… But then again, he needed to give them any kind of reassurance that he is okay, just for them to stop bothering him for a while. He needed to make it believable.

“Please relax. We are both here for you, and only wish to make you feel better… whatever bothers you”, Sigma whispered as he gently ran his fingers through the ends of Fyodor’s hair. This was enough, Fyodor let them touch him, yet again, Sigma wanted to look in his eyes, he wanted to try discovering the secrets that lay in them, in his soul. So, he held Fyodor’s jaw and raised it. But there was nothing. Not a single thing he could read. Just a static and cold expression that was washed over with a pleasured yet unwilling frown when Nikolai nibbled on his neck.

There was a way to get to his mind, but Sigma promised he wouldn’t try using his ability without them knowing. He won’t break it. He would feel terrible not to follow and respect his own vows. Though, it was so inviting. Maybe even justified. After all, Fyodor was breaking his own vows too.

He shrugged off the feeling. No. He won’t. Not yet. He promised not to.

His thoughts were interrupted by hearing Fyodor grunt. Nikolai sank his teeth in his neck, eager to get any kind of reaction out of him. His eyes weren’t on Sigma anymore, and even if they were, Sigma wouldn’t find out more than he suspected.

Although Fyodor tried to remain calm and composed, every physical contact only increased the feeling of guilt inside him. It was hard to explain, even to himself, that his mind was a mess. He tried to push those negative emotions away, he tried to give in to intimacy. But this wasn't work. With work, he didn’t feel guilty. He didn’t distance himself from it like he did from them. After all, papers don’t have emotions like they do. They don’t demand of you to tell them why you’re upset.

Nikolai didn’t back away; he didn’t want to back away, not when he finally got his distant lover to himself. He will go all for it, kissing and biting, even touching Fyodor’s nipples through his shirt. It only made Fyodor sit up straighter, feel more ashamed.

“Relax. Close your eyes and let us perform our magic. You’ll feel better”, it wasn’t a promise, but hope. They could just hope that Fyodor would feel better once he releases this tension, after one or two orgasms. Yet it seemed like he only tensed up more as they kept going.

Just as Sigma started to pull down Fyodor’s sweats, that he was wearing for days on end except when he needed to get out to buy groceries, they heard Theo crying.

Great. Just great. After so much effort, so many failed attempts to get Fyodor in this position, in this state…

Nikolai was ready to jump on his feet, but Sigma was faster. He hopped off from Fyodor’s lap and quickly went out of the room, “I’ll be back.”

For them, it was the first time they felt annoyed by Theo crying. This moment was supposed to last. They hoped it would, but they were aware that now everything is completely lost. Sigma will come back to Fyodor being out of the mood, in which he wasn’t in the first place.

And for Fyodor… This is the first time he truly felt grateful for their child. Good job. Good fucking job at crying just in the right time. God, he was so proud of that child in this moment, like he never thought he would be.

Theo might get Sigma out of the room, but Nikolai was still breathing behind his neck. Literally.

“What’s up with you?” God, not again.

Fyodor didn’t hesitate, “Nothing”, simple as that. He wanted to push the subject away and avoid this topic completely.

Nikolai didn’t just think something is wrong – same as Sigma, he knew, “No, there is something. Tell me. You worry me”, he said, sounding a bit more annoyed than he wanted to.

“Theo threw up!!” thank the God above, Fyodor thought.

In a matter of a second, he was left alone in their room.

The clock was showing 11 p.m. Fyodor was back at being locked in his office. Maybe it was better that way.

Doors of their bedroom were open to keep an eye on sleeping Theo in the crib. They got him to sleep after a whole day of calling a doctor and trying to find out what was wrong.

They were both too tired to have a long and steamy session, yet too needy not to feel each other. After just 15 minutes of quiet moans, Sigma’s whines, and Nikolai’s dick pulsating in Sigma, they were already done, now laying under white bed sheets, skin to skin, completely naked.

The worry for Fyodor didn’t settle yet. For just 15 minutes they tried to forget about it, but as soon as they released, that worry was back.

“What the fuck is up with him?” Nikolai asked, breaking the silence, his arm under Sigma’s back as they both stared at the ceiling.

“I can’t say anything for sure… But he’s never been like this. And when I asked if he regretted it, he froze on the spot”, Sigma took a deep breath, “I’m worried about him… worried about Theo too. He doesn’t spend even 5 minutes with him daily”, he stopped for a moment, “Do we really need an excuse for him to have a night with us?”

“We should be able to have him anytime. Fyodor isn’t the one to be scared of intimacy. Yeah, he doesn’t need sex, but it was never like this. It was never this bad”, Nikolai mumbled, “He should love being a father, but instead he acts like he just… can’t?” It was easy to look through Fyodor being distant from them, he wasn’t the horny one anyways, he didn’t need much touch, but to look through his nonexistent bond with Theo – it was impossible.

“I think he’s scared of being a father. He’s probably thinking he won’t live up to the role…” Sigma said back quietly.

“Why isn’t he at least trying? You can’t tell me a person is scared of being a bad father and not even trying to do something about it”, Nikolai frowned, his fingers glazing over Sigma’s side.

“Nikolai, you’re not being fair… You know Fyodor as much as me. He hates doing something unless he’s hundred percent sure he will succeed. You can’t expect him to just relax and try when he’s already thinking he’s going to fuck up”, here goes Sigma, defending Fyodor. Nikolai knew that Sigma seeks an explanation, a positive one at that. It’s no surprise that he is trying to come up with something reasonable. However, he himself didn’t understand it.

“So what? He thinks he’s going to be a bad father, so he’s going to be one? Is that it?” Nikolai asked, harsher than intended. Of course, that tone of the voice wasn’t because of Sigma, but because of Fyodor’s actions, or well, of him not taking any actions to be exact, “There’s no one that can be hundred percent sure about something. Why isn’t he thinking at least somewhat positively?”

Sigma took a breath, “Because that’s not how Fyodor works… His mind is his worst enemy. He yearns for perfection. When he’s trying something new, he needs it to be perfect… it’s like he’s cursed, or something”, he couldn’t deny that Fyodor frustrated him too. He turned his head to look at Nikolai, “I’ll try and talk to him again. This time I’ll dig deeper, ask more, and be more insistent.”

Nikolai looked back at him, “Do it, I can’t stand him like this”, he wanted Sigma to take this into his own hands. If he tried talking to Fyodor, it would end up being a one-sided argument, with him trying to get Fyodor to talk, and Fyodor looking ahead of himself, not saying a word. “It’s really not that hard. You just need to play, to care and to at least try finding out what your baby needs”, he truly did not understand it. Yeah, he was tired, Sigma was too. But they didn’t need Fyodor to take care, they just needed him to show he cared.

“Well, it’s not that easy either. There’s a lot of pressure on him, this is all new to him… It’s hard for anyone”, Sigma sighed. He felt as if Fyodor wasn’t like this just because, but as if there is a deeper meaning in it all.

“I get it. It’s not easy. But still, you cannot live in fear of ‘what if’. You need to face your fears. And he is not doing that”, Nikolai said in annoyance, closed his eyes and turned his head to face the ceiling again. Sigma did the same, his gaze shifting back up.

Sigma hesitated, but decided to request something he never did before, “I know that you both barely speak of high school and college, I just wonder if… you’ll be willing to tell me about his past. It could be the main reason for him acting this way.”

They never told him about it. Their pasts were a mystery to him. Yeah, they talked about their sex life, about Nikolai fucking around and trying to get Fyodor to be his fuckbuddy, him being possessive and obsessive, but, about their parents, about their origins, he never got information. Not a single thing.

Nikolai took a deep breath, “I would have told you if I knew. Look Sigma… I don’t know Fyodor more than you. I wish I did, I wish the information about his past could help, I wish we had some, but it just isn’t something I know”, he said, trying to remember at least something about Fyodor’s past.

“Isn’t there anything, anything that you know?” It sounded more like a begging in desperation than a question out of curiosity.

Nikolai breathed in, contemplating if he should tell something he never planned on telling anyone, something that Fyodor strictly said not to speak of. More so because he just told Sigma he doesn’t know a single thing. Yet… it could be of help, at least he hoped so.

“If I tell you, do you promise not to share it with anyone? It’s something I found out, that I shouldn’t, as Fyodor said. So, please, I need you to keep quiet about this.”

“I promise”, Sigma mumbled, his words full of hope, full of anticipation.

“His father’s name was Mikhail”, Nikolai mumbled, still hesitant about saying more. So, he took a breath that lasted long enough for Sigma to ask; “Was?”

“Yes, was. I found the document about him being the owner of Fyodor’s first apartment. It was always a mystery how Fyodor had so much money. I mean- he was literally still in high school, with his own apartment, claiming he bought it.”

“So, he’s dead? Did he left Fyodor his money?” Sigma asked, not yet knowing why this information is so important but being grateful that he at least knows something about Fyodor that he didn’t before.

“I searched his name, found multiple websites that talked about his death but only one opened. The others were deleted. Apparently, it was a tragic one. He died in their home, stabbed multiple times. The number of it was so high that I can’t even remember it”, Nikolai said with a serious expression that he rarely has on his face.

“Did you find anything else?” Sigma asked in hope.

“No. I tried asking Fyodor, but he didn’t want to tell me a single thing. Next few days I was given a silent treatment. I never asked again.”

“Is there a possibility that his family wasn’t- you know- a loving one?”

“Most likely”, Nikolai sighed.

“I guess it could be that he took up their traits and, you know, now acts the same”, Sigma mumbled, shifting closer to Nikolai, the lover who he knew will not leave him hanging when asked the question, the one who he hoped won’t become distant like the other did.

“Mhm”, Nikolai simply said and glazed his fingers over Sigma’s soft skin.

In the minute of silence that followed, Sigma tried coming up with the best way to ask Nikolai a question he needed an answer to, “Nikolai… can I… confess something?” he said unsure, still scared that it might ruin the moment, that he might sleep alone, with two of his lovers distant.

“Go on.”

Sigma took a deep breath, trying to calm down and not think of the consequences of saying it. After a few seconds, he let it slip over his tongue, “I was- I was afraid of how you would take it if Theo didn’t end up being yours.”

Nikolai was taken aback by it, just as Sigma predicted. He was silent for a good minute before saying; “I would… Well, you know… I hoped it would end up being mine”, he answered in a cautious tone.

Well, fuck.

“Did you… are you… disappointed?” he already dug a hole, why not dig a whole grave for himself.

“Disappointed? I doubt a word like that even exists in my vocabulary about this baby. Regardless of him being Fyodor’s or mine, he’s our baby. I love him just the same.” And it was the truth. Yeah, Nikolai wanted a mini version of himself with Sigma’s features and his personality traits, but he would never, never ever not love his child just because of his wish not coming to life.

Sigma sighed in relief. Okay, good, at least he got the honest answer.

“What are you trying to say?” Nikolai asked.

“I just… I can’t shake the feeling that Fyodor didn’t want this child”, Sigma tensed up again.

“We all agreed on us both cumming in you, on the possibilities that could happen. We were all aware. He wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t ready”, Nikolai said as he looked back at Sigma, now worrying about him too. He took a few seconds, scanning Sigma’s side profile, noticing the guilty expression on his face. He shouldn’t feel guilty. He did nothing wrong. “He can go fuck himself now if he regrets it.”

Okay- that was maybe a little bit too harsh to say. Nikolai noticed Sigma frowning and turning his head away, not wanting him to keep looking at his face. While Nikolai is a person who rarely feels guilty, even if he is, he will not, in any circumstances, feel the guilt for this. However, Sigma has that problem; of feeling like he is in the wrong for something that he couldn’t be guilty of. If anyone should feel shame, it’s Fyodor, who apparently regrets his decision after he told them he agrees and already did the deed.

“… we shouldn’t have done it…” Sigma whispered quietly. He blamed himself for it all, for every bad thing that happened from the moment Theo was born, or even from the second he saw Fyodor’s contempt when they fucked the night they made him. He wished he didn’t brush it off then. If he just took that as a sign, he would take plan B pills as soon as possible. He never wanted to force either of them to do any of this, to have a child.

Nikolai extended his other hand and wrapped him around Sigma, pulling him to himself, “Sigma… sweetheart… you did nothing wrong. I’m not letting you blame yourself”, he whispered as Sigma buried his head into Nikolai’s chest.

Tears started forming in Sigma’s eyes. God, how much he hated all of this. If he could just turn back time…

“We will try our best. And Fyodor will too… eventually.”

It wasn’t a promise. Sigma was aware of it. But he was too exhausted to let his thoughts keep him awake. With tears on his cheeks, he drifted to sleep.

Just a beginning. They hoped that this story would eventually develop into something better. But it stayed monotone. It all stayed in the same place for months. Days were repeating, Fyodor was still distant, and they still loved Theo with all their hearts.

Sigma didn’t regret having Theo, he would never let him down, never give up on such a sweet being. He didn’t regret having a child. He regretted wanting one.