Chapter Text
“You must know well what StarClan really is. You've seen it with your own eyes.” Sol's voice was the only sound Blackstar's ears tended to, as the veil of silence draped over the moonlit pine forest. The tortoise-shell tom had found his way to Blackstar's den each night after he joined, and though Blackstar knew it to be wrong, something compelled him to let the tom in every time.
“Even if they are real, which I highly doubt,” Sol continued. “What good is their judgment? You told me of Brokenstar, and the atrocities he committed. What did StarClan do? They gave him his nine lives all the same, they are malicious. They just want more cats to die in order to gain power.”
Blackstar nodded, though he felt a lump on his throat that he couldn't quite swallow. But if StarClan gave me my nine lives, what does that make of me?
“But they've given their lives to other leaders, worthy leaders like Tallstar and Firestar, to name a few.” He questioned, more so in an attempt to soothe his own doubts. I am a worthy leader, despite my past.
“Why do you think the leaders never discuss how many lives they have?” Sol spoke to him as though he were a naive kit, belittling him just as before. Blackstar had lost the bite by now, Sol had broken him down and festered his doubts. “It's simple, they just don't receive them. They only die once.”
“But I have lost two lives already. I know it” Blackstar recalled. “Blizzardwing and Raggedstar were there, respectively. I saw them, they gave me my next life.”
“And how did you ‘lose’ those ‘lives’?” Sol probed.
“That is a matter only discussed between me, my deputy, and Littlecloud.” Blackstar shut off, but Sol drew closer to the leader, his whiskers barely brushing his.
“What makes me so untrustworthy to you? Do our talks mean nothing?” Sol held back his volume, but there was still clear offense and hostility in his breathy tone. “I show you the truth, and all you do is doubt me...”
“Fine. I'll tell you.” Blackstar gave in. “But you must not tell another cat.”
“You can trust me, Blackstar. More than any cat, I promise you.”
There was a hesitant silence between the two for a moment, as Blackstar felt his stomach twist out a warning to him. This is dangerous, this is wrong. But as Blackstar looked out of his den into the darkness, there were no stars to be seen over the jet black sky, none of his ancestors were watching him now, almost as though they simply did not care for him. If this was wrong, and StarClan were good, they'd have warned me by now.
“The first time was back in the old forest. A badger was spotted just outside camp, and I tried to take it down with Russetfur.” Blackstar felt embarrassed telling the story, recalling how frivolous of a death it really was. “I insisted on doing the most damage, and I ended up getting slashed across the throat. I bled out, and just as my vision began to darken, I recognized Blizzardwing's paws in the corner of my eye. He knelt down and touched his nose to mine, and a sudden surge of energy coursed through me, enough to drive out the badger.” Sol looked at him intently, his golden eyes shining as he joined the pieces together, his gaze so unnerving it made Blackstar’s fur stand on end, but the leader continued. “That was my first life. The second, I had grown sick with fever during leafbare, and the herbs needed to cure me were hard to come by. Littlecloud did all he could, but I lost a life nonetheless.”
Sol smirked. “So you weren’t in the right state of mind, either time.”
Blackstar turned his face a little away from the tom, squinting his eyes. “What do you even mean by that?”
“Both times, something happened that would’ve made you see things that just weren’t there. When we brush close to death, our minds try to ease us.” Sol explained, a softness to his voice that only made him sound all the more unsettling. “You lost a lot of blood when fighting against the badger, but a surge of energy like that is common in a life-or-death situation. And come on dear, you had a fever , cats get delirious from fevers all the time.”
Blackstar fell silent. He had nothing that would really prove Sol wrong, and as much as part of him hated himself for doubting StarClan, the past couple of weeks with Sol had shown him overwhelmingly that StarClan wasn’t there, as the lingering suspicions he’d had his whole life told him. They weren’t there to save his victims, they weren’t there to stop cats like Brokenstar and Tigerstar, and their approval of Blackstar himself only showed the evil in their hearts. He had to make the right choice now, and deny StarClan the power over his Clan, and the right to make any other horrible decisions over who should be leader.
Sol is the only cat who knows the truth. ShadowClan will prosper under this new rule, and we will no longer be bound by the whims of our ancestors.
—
Under the clouds of a brewing new-leaf rain, the sky looked more like a void of darkness than the home of his ancestors. The brisk air cycled in and out of his lungs with each breath he took, as his mind wandered around in circles over his memories with Sol. How he even managed to be deceived by the loner was still a question he refused to answer, for it encapsulated far more than just the mysterious tom himself. It included a confrontation of Blackstar himself, too, and the sick feeling in his stomach was too much to bear when he thought of his past. All that matters is that I move forward now, and I’m doing my best. There is nothing there for me to find in the past.
“Thinking about him?” The sound of his deputy’s voice startled him at first, before he turned his eyes to meet hers, and he greeted her with a nod. Russetfur padded beside him, her dark ginger coat looking almost brown in the night.
“Would you be mad at me if I said I was?” He asked.
“Disappointed, yes. You’ve got bees in your brain if you still miss that loner.” Russetfur spoke rudely, but her gaze softened on her leader as she continued. “But I understand why you feel that way. I’d feel the same too, no matter how stupid I’d think myself to be.”
Blackstar looked into her green gaze with an adoration he placed for no other cat. It was hard in ShadowClan to come across friends when you were an adult like Blackstar was, as ShadowClan placed little emphasis on close bonds like other Clans. Cats were expected to be mostly solitary in ShadowClan after their apprenticeship, to focus on working for the Clan and building loyalty towards the leader. The extent of their bonds were all between family, or occasionally taking a mate when there were no kits in the nursery to secure the next generation for the Clan.
But Russetfur was different, at least towards him. Where other cats were too prideful or ashamed to even allow others to see their own weakness, Russetfur confided in him, and he knew to confide in her as well. She was the only cat to keep a level head when Blackstar was overrun by his guilt and his grief, and her rude but still caring personality managed to keep him in shape in a way no other cat had before. She was the perfect clanmate to work with, to be his most trusted advisor.
And yet, I still let Sol take precedent over her when he joined. Blackstar reminded himself bitterly, but shook the uneasiness off him. That’s in the past. There’s nothing there for me.
But the memory still lingered, nagging at him. He turned to Russetfur once again. “I just wonder what... what it means if I fell for it so easily. What does that say about me, as a leader?”
“It means you’re just... a cat, like the rest of us.” Russetfur answered. “We all make mistakes, you can’t expect anyone to be perfect.”
“But my mistake put the whole Clan, the whole forest in danger.” Blackstar continued. “Cats make mistakes when they miss their prey or say something hurtful without meaning it, not by abandoning their ancestors and leading their Clan astray.”
“The higher your ranking, the bigger your mistakes will be. That’s just proportional.” Russetfur retorted. “You were a damn idiot back then, and you fucked up the whole Clan for many moons because you got too close to Sol. But you moved on from that, you saw the error of your ways. A leader humble enough to accept his failures and work on himself and his Clan shouldn’t be mulling around like you are right now.”
Blackstar couldn’t bring himself to respond, looking down at his paws as he turned away from Russetfur. The ginger she-cat rested the tip of her thin tail on his back, quickly comforting him before standing up. “I can see you want to be alone.”
No. Blackstar could almost tell her, but something inside him refused to let his mouth open. I need you here, I just don’t know what to say.
But he couldn’t expect Russetfur to read his mind. She slunk into the pine trees behind them, walking back to ShadowClan camp. Blackstar remained seated on the small cliff, his eyes staring down towards the lake, with a small rift between the clouds letting the moon glimmer on the surface of the distant body of water.
I need to swallow this. My Clan needs me, I don’t have the time to sit ‘round here and think. Blackstar scolded himself, turning away and following the path Russetfur took back to camp.
—
The cluster of rocks before them had shut the tunnels down for days now, ever since Hollyleaf had been crushed by them. Leafpool had been digging through them for a while, with the help of Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight, but they hadn’t found more than a few scraps of black fur in between the rocks, with no sight of the body. Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight had already moved on, accepting the death of their niece and adopted daughter, but Leafpool had been too stricken by grief to pull away. She’d stopped clawing at the rocks, but she still insisted on going outside with Firestar, and staying put there to wait for Hollyleaf, or to, at the very least, honor her if she really was dead.
Firestar had let his daughter lean on him, the pain in her heart was now a thing that flowed out of her chest, now that she held no strength to contain it with her secrets. She had lost her honor and her title in the Clan, and Firestar felt grief for her and for himself for having no choice but to punish her. She must’ve felt like this for so long, while she hid her secret. Firestar hoped that the warmth of his fur was enough to keep her at peace for now, but he knew it was foolish to think so.
I’d just wish she’d told me from the start. Firestar wondered. He would’ve supported her, and taken in the kits, and he’d have kept her secret, just as he kept Yellowfang’s all those moons back. The loss of not just a medicine cat but his own daughter who had found the moonpool, his daughter that restored the Clan’s connection to StarClan as they knew it, was a thorn in his side that just couldn’t be picked out. He needed to show the other Clans that he was a strong leader, able to bring justice regardless of who it may be delivered to, but it pained him to see his daughter so hollowed out. She’d gone through so much in the past few moons, and losing her daughter could’ve very easily been the last thing to truly break her, if she hadn’t been broken already by the murmuring and staring of her clanmates.
“Can you imagine it? Crowfeather?” Firestar had overheard Thornclaw talk to Spiderleg the day before. “That scrawny little WindClan warrior no one likes? How could anyone think of him that way?”
“It doesn’t even matter who it was. She went out and had a litter when the Clan trusted her, she should’ve kept her heart with her Clan and her medicine cat duties. I’m surprised Firestar didn’t exile her.” Spiderleg spat. “He’s just soft, like a kittypet.”
Thornclaw grunted, and sounded somewhat in disagreement, though it was hard to tell without words. Firestar had to hold back from glaring at them as he stood over the fresh-kill pile, with the sun high up in the sky and burning down at his back.
I am not soft. Firestar dug his claws into the ground, suddenly losing his appetite as he dropped the thrush he was carrying back on the fresh-kill pile. I did what needed to be done. She wasn’t evil, just confused and filled with strong and conflicting emotions.
Thornclaw and Spiderleg seemed startled as they both walked out of the warriors den and into the clearing, their eyes staring at each other and at Firestar back and forth, awkwardly. Firestar looked at them with a knowing expression, and Thornclaw picked up one of the mice and left, leaving Spiderleg behind. Before the lanky tom could leave, Firestar cleared out his throat, the sound keeping the black and brown tom still.
“Great weather isn’t it?” Firestar spoke with a forced, almost sarcastic kindness. “The sun is out, the birds are singing, flowers are blossoming. It’s great to see leaf-bare is moving away.”
Spiderleg nodded, answering shortly with, “Yes.”
“In such good weather, a Clan ought to celebrate and bring joy.” Firestar drew closer to Spiderleg. “And not tear each other down behind their backs.”
Though his ears flicked back in embarrassment, Spiderleg silently grabbed a vole and turned around, not giving Firestar any answer. The ginger tom looked on with unspoken anger at the black and brown tom. What business had he to speak ill of Leafpool when he himself had also not only abandoned his kits, but done so for far less reason than Leafpool had?
When Firestar turned towards his den, his eyes caught those of the clanmates around him, and his fur pricked with embarrassment as he noticed the attention brought on to him. He sighed, and slunk away into his den, already hearing in his head what the murmuring of his clanmates would sound like as he curled into his nest.
As he recalled the event, he couldn’t help but hold his daughter closer, and protect her like he’d wished he could do in the Clan without raising suspicion of favoritism towards his family. Even if he did hold them closer than the rest, how would that be a flaw? Leafpool, Squirrelflight, and their kits, were blood of his blood, kin of his kin. Only a heartless cat would choose to ignore them, to push them aside and speak only for their clanmates.
Leafpool breathed in her father’s scent, her breath heavy with her sorrow. Her amber eyes looked up between the tree tops, and Firestar did so with her, the both of them noticing the shifting colors in the sky as the sun rose, chasing Silverpelt out of the sky.
“I think we should go back home.” Firestar spoke softly into Leafpool’s ear, and she sighed.
“I suppose so.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell Brackenfur not to send you on dawn patrol. You can rest.” Firestar licked behind her ears, then later stood up to walk back to ThunderClan camp. She bounded beside him, the two taking their time as their pelts brushed against the undergrowth of the forest.
“Do you think she could still be out there?” Leafpool asked, glancing one last time at the pile of rocks behind them. “In the tunnels, in the mountains. Maybe she even dug her way back to the forest, somehow.”
Firestar swallowed. If he were to say the truth, that he thinks it's hopeless considering the state Hollyleaf was in before going missing, Leafpool would be miserable for the rest of the day. But he couldn’t lie, seeing how much keeping secrets had torn apart not just the Clan, but his own family. The ginger tom rested his tail on Leafpool’s back, brushing her brown tabby fur.
“There is no harm in hoping for the best. If she’s alive... I’m sure she’d come back.” Firestar felt like he was walking on eggshells, trying to avoid whatever words would make his daughter unhappy.
“Not if. ” Leafpool choked. “She is! I know she is, I can feel it in my heart. I am her mother for StarClan’s sake, and I can feel her soul is not in Silverpelt.”
Firestar licked his daughter's forehead. “Let’s get back to camp, you need to rest.”
“Okay.” Leafpool breathed out, walking back to the hollow with Firestar as the sun rose with them.
Oh StarClan, how could you do this to her? Firestar walked down the thorn tunnel with her, and stood back as he watched her make her way to the warriors den, finding her way to her nest in the far corner in the back. She only did what you told her to do, and now you give her so much grief. If it weren’t for her, none of us could’ve reached you in the first place!