Chapter Text
FELIX
The bathroom door isn’t even ajar, it’s just open, because why wouldn't it be, when it’s them? Felix is transfixed, watching. He’s never seen Chan shaving before, and it feels stupidly, earth-shakingly intimate. More intimate than if he had accidentally walked in on Chan taking a piss. But he can’t look away, can’t be anything but happy that he got up at this exact moment to pass by the bathroom, so he could see this.
This is a Chan that no one else has seen. Except for maybe his past girlfriends. Felix can’t be jealous of them though, because they never felt Chan's hands around their throats, they never looked down to see his fingerprints pressed purple and gold into the flesh of their thighs.
Felix gets all of that, and now he gets this too: Chan’s profile gilded soft by the late morning sunlight, the arch of his naked throat, the soft snik of the razor gliding through shaving cream as it travels, smooth and sure over Chan's beautiful square jawline. He tilts his head to survey his work with narrowed eyes.
Felix’s love for this man feels like oxygen. Like it’s surrounding him in every particle of the air. Like love is what he breathes. Everywhere around him and in every fiber of his being.
Chan splashes water on his face, and wipes off with a washcloth, then turns to Felix with a smile brighter than the sunlight streaming through the window.
“Morning, Lixie.” It’s not surprised, just happy, like he’d known Felix was there.
“M—morning,” Felix answers, feeling his cheeks heat, despite himself. Not because he’s embarrassed, really, just because Chan is so, so handsome like this that he’s a little beside himself. Loving Chan is easy. And that’s sort of like saying breathing is easy, but it’s not something he has to think about anymore. Accepting that he gets Chan like this every day? That’s a little harder. “Would you mind leaving the shaving cream out?” Felix asks. “I’m all out of mine…”
“Oh, sure.” Chan looks down at the shaving cream and then back at Felix, “Actually. Why don’t I just— I mean, you want me to do it for you?”
Felix blinks.
“Okay,” He says. “Yes, please.”
And that’s how he finds himself sat on the bathroom sink, with Chan standing between his thighs. Chan is so achingly gentle as he rubs the lather onto Felix’s skin. It feels so good Felix can’t help the little moan that escapes.
Chan huffs out a little laugh across Felix’s skin. “You like that, baby?”
“Yes, Sir.” It comes out without a thought, but Chan doesn’t seem to mind, not by the way his eyes darken just as Felix slips his eyes shut.
“Stay still,” He warns. “I don’t want to cut you.”
Felix stays as still as he can, as Chan starts shaving. His grip is firm on Felix’s chin as he tilts his head.
“Chin up, baby.” He murmurs, and Felix obeys. “Good boy.”
The blade of the razor is smooth against his skin, as Chan shaves him, in firm, smooth strokes, only pausing occasionally to tilt his head at a different angle.
Felix sinks into it, his thoughts fuzzing out until he’s floating.
He barely registers the warmth of the water as Chan washes his face clean, but the scent of the aftershave cuts through to him, anticipation lapping slowly at him as Chan splashes it on his face.
“Hold still, little one.” Chan tells him, his hand cradling Felix’s face.
The slaps land hard, one on each cheek, his skin singing with it. His whole body is thrumming now, his skin tingling, his cheeks stinging, his brain humming and blank.
“There we go,” Chan says. “You did so well, baby. You look so pretty for me now.”
Felix can only hum in happiness. He wants to be his Sir’s pretty baby. The arousal is lapping at him now, soft but gradually more insistent, until it finally registers.
“Can you get down, baby?”
Felix tries to think about it, but he loses his thoughts for a moment, tangled up in the arousal now.
“Sir, please.”
“I know, my sweet little slut, I’ll give you what you need, don’t worry. Can you get on your knees for Sir?”
“Yes, yes, can get on my knees, Sir.”
He feels Sir’s hands under him as he slips down off the sink, helping him sink to his knees.
“Open up, little one.”
“Yes, Sir.”
He drops his mouth open and Sir helps him open wide, replacing his thumb with his hard, fat cock.
“There you go, baby. You don’t need to do anything, little one. Just let Sir fuck your throat.”
He nods, just to show he understands, and it pushes Sir’s cock deeper. He gags, just a little, but he still hears Chan's groan over it.
“Easy baby, I’ve got you.” Chan murmurs, as he starts to thrust. “You’re doing so good for me. My pretty little cocksleeve.”
Chan fucks his throat with languid thrusts of his hips, salt and heat and stretch and it’s so, so good. Felix can be so, so good for his Sir.
“Look at you, little one.” Chan's voice is soft, as soft as his cock is hard. “I want to make a mess of you so bad now. You’ve so pretty and soft and clean. Wanna fuck all my cum into your pretty pink hole until you can’t hold anymore. Wanna watch my cum dripping out of you and fuck it back into you with my fingers,” He’s fucking Felix’s mouth hard now, thrusts relentless. “Then I’d finally let you cum like that, squeezing my fingers with your greedy hole while I suck that pretty cock.”
His rhythm is erratic finally, and he comes with a long moan, shuddering hot and spent, fingers tightening in Felix’s hair. He lifts Felix up, straight from the floor, and carries him into the shower.
“Come for me, little one.” He says, rough and perfect, still breathing hard, as he fists Felix’s cock under the hot spray of the shower, and Felix comes hard, dissolving, melting into Chan's strong arms.
***
They stay under the water a long time, while he washes Felix tender and thorough with his own body wash until every pore smells like Chan, letting him come back to himself slowly.
“Oh wow,” Felix says, when they’re finally out of the shower and toweling off. He’s hollow and cleansed and perfect now. “That was so good. God. You’re so good, oh my God, Chan.”
“Wow,” Chan echoes, and it’s smug and teasing in equal measure. “So you liked it?”
“Oh, fuck off,” Felix tells him, burying his face into Chan's still damp shoulder. He presses his lips to it, just because he can, elated and giddy.
“Sorry,” Chan says with a sheepish laugh, fingers carding through Felix’s wet hair. “That kind of…got away from me. We’re definitely not going to have time for a leisurely brunch like we talked about.”
“I really, really don’t care.” Felix tells him firmly. Felix would give up a million leisurely brunches for that.
The rest of the morning, Felix can’t help touching his face. It’s a closer shave than he could ever give himself. He wonders if this can be a thing now, one of the new things that’s just theirs. Something he’s never done — and will never do — with anyone but Chan. It was so intense, so vulnerable, the kind of subspace that will linger if he lets it, but they’ve got their first client soon, a regular who had written the sweetest email to say how happy he was that they’re working together again, so Felix isn’t not too bothered by that fact.
He's struggling to get his arm into his coat, when he feels the fabric being lifted, and looks up to see Chan by his side. As Chan wordlessly slides Felix’s coat on with deft and tender hands, Felix can’t help thinking of a little over a year ago, the very first time Chan had helped him into his coat, the way it had led him to realize he had a crush on Chan that very night. Is it any wonder?
Now that they’re together, Chan’s love is palpable and pervasive, in every little act, the way he looks after all of Felix’s needs now, a gently accumulating care spilling into the spaces in between scenes, an ever ready glass of water, or a sweater when he's cold. Maybe he should have trusted that the universe wouldn’t make someone so perfect for him unless Chan had been made for him, too.
As Chan steps in front of Felix to button his coat, he steps in enough for Felix to feel just the loveliest bit caged in. On Chan’s face, concentration always looks so stern, so thrillingly close to dominance that it kicks up that little glow inside Felix again, warm enough to fuzz his thoughts a little. Chan straightens his coat with firm hands, and steps back. He’s still close enough that their bodies are almost touching, and Felix has to look up at him. “Better?”
“Yes,” Felix breathes, over the rush of his own heartbeat. He just catches himself from adding the Sir, but from the way Chan’s eyes darken, and his throat works as he swallows, he knows Chan can hear it in his tone. Chan always knows the effect he has on Felix, although at the moment, Felix isn’t entirely sure it was intentional.
Chan leans in and gives Felix a soft kiss on the side of his mouth, letting the moment break like a soap bubble.
“Ready to go?” He asks and Felix nods.
***
Chan is quiet, as he drives them to the office. Felix watches his profile, the thinning of his full mouth, the momentary clench of his jaw, his fingers drumming on the steering wheel even after the light turns green.
“You okay?”
“Oh, oh, yeah.” Chan answers. “No worries, Lixie.”
He doesn’t look at Felix as he says it though, just lifts his mouth in an unconvincing half-smile, and Felix wonders.
They’ve been going in and out of their headspaces for the past week, fallen into sync so effortlessly, but as perfect as it’s been, it’s still new. They’ve never been able to have this before, and it makes sense, maybe, that they might need to get acclimated to it. Especially Chan.
“Channie-hyung, are you…dropping?” He keeps the question gentle.
“What?” Chan gives a little start. “Oh, no. I’m not…not dropping. Don’t worry, baby.”
This time his smile is slightly more convincing.
But once they park, and head towards the coffee shop, Chan’s steps are a little hurried, the way he speeds up when he’s lost in thought. Felix follows him for a few more hurried steps, thinking.
Not Dom drop, but… something.
He matches Chan’s pace, side by side, and nudges him with a shoulder.
“Seriously, Channie-hyung. We promised we’d talk about things, right?”
That slows Chan down. He sighs.
“Sorry, I’m promise I’m not dropping. Just…thinking." He says, finally. “About this morning. I feel like it was a lot maybe. Like, taken all together." He makes a convulsive movement with his arm, and Felix is pretty sure it’s just his gloves that are preventing him from running a flustered hand through his hair.
Felix frowns. “This morning?”
"You know, putting on your coat for you. I just saw you struggling to get the sleeve on and - I mean, obviously you would have gotten it eventually and I wasn't trying to imply you wouldn’t or like, trying to rush you or anything?”
Felix peers into his face, momentarily at a loss. “I mean. It’s definitely not the first time you’ve put my coat on this week.”
Chan gives a little huff of self-conscious laughter. “Ha. Yeah, I guess ah, that’s true.”
A habit from his girlfriends, Chan had said. For a moment, Felix wonders if Chan is stuck on it as a newly bisexual guy dating another guy, if he’s worried Felix might be upset. He‘s about to tell Chan that it doesn’t feel gendered at all to him, only something that makes him feel treasured, when Chan starts talking again.
“And also with the, uh shaving. I didn’t mean to like, imply anything. Obviously I know you can shave yourself. So I'm sorry. And also uh. I guess, the sweater last night? Obviously you know when you’re cold and can put a sweater on yourself.”
Felix blinks, replaying the night before. “I liked that you brought me a sweater.” He says. “It was sweet. And I was cold.”
“I think," Chan says, "I just kind of got caught up in things? But I’ll try to be more mindful. To like, reign myself in? I can be…a lot when I get too into Boyfriend Mode.” He gives a rueful laugh. “I feel like I’m…falling into old patterns that didn’t…work out so well. And I don’t want you to feel smothered or anything, so I’m just…trying to catch myself before that happens. But with you…I keep slipping up.”
Felix stops walking so quickly that Chan collides with him, only softening the impact by grabbing hold of Felix’s waist at the last minute. Felix puts his hand over Chan’s, to keep them there, turning so that they’re face to face again.
He slips his hands inside Chan’s coat to hold on tight to his sweater, although he’s not really sure if he’s doing it to ground Chan, or himself. Because in Chan’s halting, tumbling apology Felix can hear a familiar awkwardness, the kind that’s tinged with a cringing embarrassment. That kind that comes from being told that your instincts, and what you want is wrong. Too much. He knows the way it feels intimately.
“Why would you need to reign yourself in?” He asks, looking up into Chan’s face. “What do you mean, Boyfriend Mode? Where is all this coming from?”
“It’s just. We’ve only been dating for a week, so you don’t really know yet, but. I’m a lot. Like, as a boyfriend? I know I haven’t ever dated a guy before, but…I’ve had several girlfriends, and…they all made that pretty clear. So I want to like, be proactive about it this time. With you. I don’t want you to feel stifled or…weirded out by how intense I am or like, infantilized…”
Felix can hear the quotation marks around every self-flagellating insecurity and he wants to go back to Australia and destroy every single woman who had the privilege of dating this incredible man and used it to make him feel ashamed of who he was and how he loved.
“Do you remember when we first started working together, and you told me that any Dom who made me feel badly for what I needed in a scene was a shitty Dom?”
“Yeah,” Chan agrees, slowly.
“Well, any romantic partner who makes you feel badly for what you need in a relationship is a shitty person.”
“I wouldn’t say that they were shitty,” Chan protests.
“No,” Felix tells him. “They were. ” He’s still vibrating with indignation. “Hold on a second.”
He takes a step back and gets his phone out, finding Hit List in his contacts.
“Thank you for calling Hit List Entertainment.” Heuningkai answers in his dulcet phone voice. “How may I direct your call?”
“Hey Kai, it’s Felix.”
“Oh, hey Felix.” Kai says in his regular tone. “What’s up?”
“Chris and I are going to be a little late. When Park Seungwan-sshi gets there, can you just let him know we’ll give him the B Course for his current price, if he doesn’t mind waiting?”
“Sure, that should be no problem,” Kai agrees. “He’ll probably thank you for being late.”
Felix chuckles. “Yeah, probably.”
“Everything okay?” Kai asks, no doubt thinking of past experiences. Felix’s chest tightens a little, thinking of everything they’ve put their co-workers and friends through. But that’s why they need to deal with this now.
“Yeah, no worries. We’re good. Something just came up that we have to take care of before we can head into the office.”
When he hangs up the phone, Chan is watching him a little bemused. “So we’re going to be late, hmm? Should I be worried?” His tone is joking, but Felix can see the worry still in his eyes.
“No,” Felix tells him. “But this conversation is important.”
CHAN
The good thing about starting work at 1 PM on a Tuesday is that there’s no line at the Starbucks and they’re up to counter almost as soon as they walk in.
“We’ll have one grande Strawberry Milk and one grande Caramel Macchiato.” Chan tells the cashier, handing her his card. It comes so easily that it’s only as they’re walking over to get a table that Chan realizes what he’s done, in a hot cringing wash of mortification. He’s ordered Felix’s food before, even before they were together, but this morning, on top of everything else, instead of in a vacuum…it’s so much. “Shit, I just ordered without even asking you what you wanted. I’m sorry, it was sort of a reflex.”
“It’s okay,” Felix tells him, soft and soothing. “You always know what I like.” He says with a little smile. “Should I go wait for our drinks?”
It’s probably an ordinary question, except for the way he asks it, like he knows that it means something different. Chan feels something inside him unknot slightly, like he can finally take a deep breath.
“Yes,” He says, and it’s like the inhale before an exhale of breath, the momentum as natural as it is inescapable. “Wait at the counter and then bring them to me upstairs.”
***
'Where is this coming from?'
Felix had looked bewildered, like Chan's apologies were coming out of nowhere. He wishes they were coming out of nowhere. That they were coming from anything but years of experience. If he hadn't been so wrapped up in Felix, so content in the bubble they'd built for themselves, he would have caught himself earlier.
By the time Felix brings their drinks, Chan is halfway through his dating history. Isla, telling him that the whole gentlemanly opening doors and putting on her coat thing had made her feel special at first, but four months in, it just felt smothering. Michaela, who had broken up with him over text and over texts - u’re always checking in on me and i hate it. did u eat. make sure you bring a jacket. i feel like i’m dating my dad. Kiara, who had almost broken up over him at a restaurant over restaurants: “You’re always ordering for me and…I’m over it. And frankly it’s even more irritating that you always seem to know what I want.”
He’d learned to reel it in, after that. Stifle his urge to be the caretaker with his girlfriends. But it’s…hard with Felix, somehow. Maybe because he knows Felix so well that now he knows exactly what Felix needs in every context, and he also knows how to give it to him. Taking care of Felix in all areas of their lives just feels…right. Natural. So natural that it’s taken a whole week for everything to catch up with him, for him to even realize…
Felix sits down and slides his drink to him, and Chan watches as he takes a sip of his own, his pink tongue flicking out to lick at his lips. Chan tries to remember if Felix had put on chapstick before they’d left. He should make sure to keep some in his coat pocket now, to —
“So. I wanna talk more about the way you felt like you had to apologize for anything you did this morning.” Felix says, interrupting Chan’s thoughts, and sending him straight back into his spiral.
“And last night.” Chan says. His ruthlessly cataloging mind is just as apt at remembering his every misstep as it is Felix’s breathing patterns.
“And last night.” Felix says, but he's frowning.
“I’m sorry if I keep…taking care of things for you.” Chan sighs. “Doing things for you. Like, the shaving, and the coat, and the sweater. And ordering your coffee just now.” His ever so helpful brain provides a film-strip clear highlight reel of the past few days, and he can’t help wincing. “Or like. Monitoring your water intake. Even though you don’t keep yourself hydrated enough when we're not in the office.”
“Okay,” Felix says. “That was a really thorough apology,” he gives Chan a bemused smile, “but why do you feel like you need to apologize for all that to me?”
“The thing is,” Chan explains. “My girlfriends usually liked it at first, too. But then…it was always too much. I was always too much.”
Felix is frowning as he peers up into Chan’s face, all sad eyes and discontent brows, and it makes Chan a little more miserable.
“Oh, Channie-hyung. You’ve really been worrying about that?”
Chan nods miserably.
“I mean, I guess I didn’t even really realize until it all hit me this morning.” He sighs. “I just. Don’t want to be too much for you.”
“You are not too much. You could never be too much for me. And if that’s what your ex-girlfriends told you, they didn’t deserve you.” Felix tells him fiercely. Sweet Lixie always defends him. “But also, you don’t need to worry about that kind of thing with me. First of all, there’s nothing you could do that would make me feel like you actually thought I was dumb or incapable of taking care of myself. Because I know you don’t think that. If I thought for a second that you actually thought I was too dumb to function, I’d never have agreed to let you treat me like a dumb slut during scenes.”
“Sure,” Chan says. But it feels too easy somehow, like Felix is giving him an out. “But that’s within a specific context: during scenes, when we're in dynamic. Everything I'm talking about…wasn't.”
"You can't tell me the shaving was outside of dynamic." Felix counters.
"Okay, sure. That one kind of got away from me," Chan agrees, refusing to be dissuaded. "I know we’ve been pretty free with boundaries in terms of playing, and it’s been…good, it’s been so good, but all the other stuff, it's all…part of our daily life. It’s different, especially now that you're my sub and my boyfriend? Like, I feel like context matters.”
“It does.” Felix agrees. His hand finds Chan’s and he entwines their fingers. “Did you ever think the problem wasn’t you, it was your girlfriends?”
Chan blinks. “I mean, given that they all seemed to agree…”
“Those girlfriends of yours…they were all vanilla, right?”
“Yeah,” Chan agrees, and now it’s his turn to frown. “What does them being vanilla have to do with anything?”
“Honestly? Everything, I think.” Felix says, as he tucks a wayward strand of his hair behind his ear, the one Chan has been actively resisting. "Okay. So far you’ve told me a lot about what all that stuff isn’t meant to be. But I’m curious about what you do mean by it.”
“It feels really simple in my head.” Chan says. He’s always been an overthinker but how he cares about the people he loves, that’s never been something he’s had to think about. "I don’t mean it to be stifling…it’s meant to be…intimate. I just…want to take care of you. To give you everything you need. I've never really thought of it like this before, but I guess it…it feels really similar to the way I feel when we're in dynamic, to know I'm the one you've entrusted with your comfort, your safety, your happiness, and your pleasure."
Felix's voice is low and gentle as he says, "Have you ever thought that maybe you're not kinky because you're a professional Dom…you're a professional Dom because you're kinky? Because I think you were in vanilla relationships but…I don't know if you are.”
Chan has always loved the way Felix asks questions with such a simple curiosity. Somehow Felix’s questions always have a way of teasing loose the tangled threads of Chan’s thoughts and stripping them down the essentials. This particular question brings him up short.
"What do you mean?"
“Do you remember when you took me to the diner for the first time?” Felix asks. “And I told you if I was going to date someone, I wanted a boyfriend who was kinky?”
Chan nods. “I remember.”
“Well, I meant you,” Felix admits, a blush staining his cheeks. “But the point is, I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied with someone vanilla. I’m not like Taemin, I could never be satisfied with a session a week, outside my relationship. Or even Jin and Hoseok-hyung. From what I can tell, they’re only kinky inside the bedroom.”
Chan nods, thinking. “Grant too. For the most part.”
Grant and Arthur had been together for years by the time Chan had met them, but as far as he knows, Arthur hadn’t been into kink before he’d met Grant. Most of Grant’s kink happened at work. It had been easy to build his own model from Grant’s example.
“But for me…” Felix continues, “I don’t want my kink to start and end at the bedroom — that’s not how it works for me.” His gaze is steady and his voice is gentle. “And given the past week…I don’t think that’s how it works for you, either. At least…with me.”
Felix pauses to take a sip of his drink, and Chan can see him organizing his thoughts beneath his downcast lashes. Felix has the tendency to speak while he’s thinking, so whatever he’s going to say must be important to him.
"As a submissive, as your submissive, nothing you've done since we got together has felt stifling, or infantilizing to me." Felix says, finally. "Like, obviously I can shave myself, I know how to order my own coffee, and I know to bring a sweater for when it’s cold... But it’s nice to not have to. To just know that I can trust you to know exactly what I need and to give it to me. All of that…it just feel like you loving me…as my Dom. In the same way that I have always loved you as your sub."
‘I have always loved you as your sub.’ Chan wonders if he should have known. That the kind of perfect submission Felix gives him could only come from love. 'I have always been your sub.' Felix had said. Not just his sub…but also his sub. Always his sub. His little one, offering his love with every single thing that he is. Because now that he knows, the link is so obvious, isn't it?
Not just for Felix, but for himself, too. Because he’s been Felix’s Dom from the day they met.
From the moment Felix had first called him Sir.
Or maybe, from the moment he had looked at this brave, beautiful submissive sitting across from him and known that he could give Felix exactly what he needed.
‘Just let go. I promise I’ve got you.’
And he’d fallen in love with Felix as his Dom. Not just his Dom, but also his Dom.
The idea feels true in a way that makes so much of the last year make sense.
"Holy shit." He manages.
He's tried so hard, ever since he started training to be a Dominant, to keep everything separate, never to let anything from his job cross into his everyday life, especially when it came to his relationships. To tell himself that work was work and he was a different person outside of his job. Chris and Chan. But the way he feels about Felix has always crossed any and all boundaries.
He has always been fully himself with Felix. Chan and Chris at all times, in a way that goes beyond scenes and Domspace. He has always loved Felix as a Dom. As everything that he is.
Felix is watching him with an irrepressible little smile on his face.
“God, I really am an emotional idiot.”
“You’re not,” Felix says, squeezing his hand.
"Yeah nah, I definitely am." Chan says.
"Not when it comes to other people," Felix says, agreeing with him in the sweetest way possible. Chan raises their clasped hands to his mouth, and presses a kiss to the back of Felix's hand, smothering his own chagrined laugh. "You always told me I shouldn't ever feel guilty or embarrassed by what I want or need as a sub." Felix continues, his staunchest supporter. "I don't want you to feel that way about you want or need as a Dom boyfriend, either."
"Dom boyfriend sounds like the title of a cheesy webtoon."
Felix resolutely ignores his attempt to change the subject, and Chan loves him so much he can’t stand it.
"Channie-hyung." Felix says, reproachfully. "You wouldn't question that you're the perfect Dom for me, would you?"
"No, of course not." That at least, he can answer immediately.
"The way you are with me? It's perfect. It's always been perfect. You don't need to try and change yourself or reign yourself in with me. I meant it, when I said you're perfect for me. Not just as my Dom, but as my boyfriend."
"Your Dom boyfriend?" Chan asks, because his ears are burning again.
"Yes. The way you love me…it's perfect for me." Felix says, his face lighting up in that lovely way. And all of a sudden Chan’s urge for self-deprecation doesn't matter anymore, because isn't that all he wants? To be perfect for Felix? To be able to give him everything he needs? "All those things you apologized for? I loved them."
"Yeah? Because you like everything I want you for?" He asks. Felix's words the day he had asked Chan to be selfish.
"Everything." Felix agrees simply.
The thing is, Chan realizes, he knows Felix had loved it all. He knows all of Felix’s tells. He’d noticed how Felix had reacted when he’d buttoned up his coat this morning. He’d heard his breathing quicken, watched his eyes dilate, heard the way his voice dipped. But he’d become so stuck on how his past partners had reacted, he’d let his own fear blind him to what was right in front of his eyes.
He thinks of that first day, at the sandwich shop, still high off of finally, finally having his little one again, how easy and right it had been to be Chris and his baby. How easy and right everything has felt, until his overthinking got in the way.
He has always trusted himself to know what Felix needs and to give it to him. 'I want you to trust yourself', Felix had said, when he had dropped that day so many months ago. What kind of Dom…what kind of boyfriend would he be if he can't trust himself to know Felix now? The enormity of the trust Felix puts in him is…well, it’s romantic, too. It’s a gift that he wants to spend the rest of his life earning. And the very least he can do to earn it is to give himself the same trust. I can make you happier than anyone else.
“I really liked when you shaved me this morning,” Felix says, his voice licking low and hot like a flame. Chan sees his pupils blow out as he talks. “How intimate it was, to be so vulnerable with you. I—” He actually shivers and Chan swallows hard because god. His Lixie is so perfect. "I really liked it…Sir."
Felix is putting himself into subspace just talking about what they did this morning, and it's so fucking cute it makes Chan a little feral.
Not just feral. He's there, right there with his little one, right on the edge of Domspace. He had wondered for so long what it would be like if they could just do this whenever they wanted, wherever they wanted, no worrying about billable hours or numbered playrooms. And it’s easy in the way he maybe knew it would be. It’s so easy and it's so fucking good, he’s kind of beside himself. It’s…perfect.
The more he has of Felix the more he wants. He just…wants. It’s so strong it’s running through his veins, and it’s all he can do not to grab Felix by his hair and haul him off to the Starbucks bathroom and shove him to his knees, choke Felix mindless on his cock. And he knows in the way Felix licks his lips, in the way his eyes stay dark and hot that Felix sees the way Chan is struggling with himself.
“Of course you did. Sir always knows exactly what you need, baby.”
It comes out without him really meaning to say it, just because he needs Felix to know he believes it as much as Felix does. Because it’s true, and he’s proud of it. And because even though nothing will come of it, not on the second floor of a moderately busy Starbucks when they need to be leaving to meet a client very soon, he can’t help doing it.
But they’re on borrowed time, even with the reprieve Felix had gotten from Kai. They both know it, so Chan contents himself with a low, “I want you to go get a drink of water to cool off, baby.”
Felix goes to get his glass of water from the barista, and Chan watches his throat work as he drinks it in slow sips. Then Chan closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths, concentrating on stepping away from the potential of his headspace.
When he opens his eyes, Felix is sitting across from him again.
"Just so you know," Felix says, with a little irrepressible smile. "I liked that, too." He's a little floaty still, and Chan figures they should head into the office so they can just roll right into their session.
As they head out onto the street towards the Hit List building, Chan pulls Felix into himself to shield him from the worst of the cold. Thanks to the sub-zero temperatures, even the short walk has done away with the remainder of Felix's headspace.
“I’m so sorry you were worrying about everything.” Felix says. “We've always been on the same page when it comes to kink, and things seemed to be kind of...moving in the direction I'd always hoped, so I never thought to question it. I guess I kind of forgot that kink has always been a job, not a lifestyle for you?”
"I think it was kind of inevitable, maybe." Chan says, "It's always been so effortless with us. And now that I get you all the time, and…I can touch you whenever I want, and get to have you in my space, all the time…I guess it made me a little greedy? I didn't really stop to think, and all that stuff just kind of…snuck up on me."
“We probably should have talked about what we want our relationship to look like when we decided to be together.” Felix agrees, slipping his hand into Chan’s. “I was just…so happy to finally be fully yours that I didn’t really think about the practical stuff.”
“It’s okay,” Chan agrees, over a wave of happiness and pride that is almost smothering. Felix is his now. Completely. Forever. “We have time now. Well, not literally now, since we're five minutes from the office and I don’t even think Course B will placate Park-sshi if we miss his entire session.”
“I probably shouldn’t have offered that for free,” Felix says, leaning his shoulder into Chan’s. “Yoongi-hyung might not be happy about it,” His grin says he’s willing to brave Yoongi-hyung’s wrath though.
“Eh,” Chan shrugs. “Park-sshi will be happy though, and it will probably remind him just why he used to pay for Course B, and if he starts doing that again, Yoongi will be happy too. Besides,” he adds, with a grin of his own. “They can take it out of my salary if they’re bothered by it. It’d be a small price to pay for the chance to leave proper marks on you.”
Felix bites his lip in a way that makes Chan seriously resent even the 5 minutes it will take them to get into the office. "You don't need to go to work to leave proper marks on me anymore."
Chan just grins. There's a clause about it in the paperwork they'd signed. Something about how the business is not liable for anything resulting from any visible marks they make in private. Not that Chan would let a little thing like paperwork stop him from marking what's his.
"Shall we go out to dinner tonight?" He asks. "Have a proper chat about what we want this to look like, now that we’re together?” It still sends a rush of joy through him, just saying it.
Felix nods. "I'll head out after my last vanilla client ends at 8. Just tell me where to go and I’ll meet you.”
“I’ll pick you up.” Chan says.
***
Chan has just finished a set of reps with Jungkook when his phone buzzes.
He wipes the sweat from his face and grabs his phone.
Felix:
my last client
just had to cancel
I kind of feel
badly because he'll
have to pay the cancellation fee. T_T
are you still
working out with JK-hyung?
what should
I do now?
Chan could call the restaurant, see if he can move the reservation earlier.
He’d been planning to finish some work while Felix was with his last client.
Chan:
Why don’t you go home and get ready?
I’ll pick you up from the house instead.
Felix:
K. I know you said it’s a
surprise but what kind of
clothes should I
wear?
What’s
the dress code?
Chan types it out twice before hitting send.
Chan:
Would you be okay if I tell you exactly what to wear?
Felix texts back immediately with a string of effusive and very positive emoji, all blue hearts and melting smiley faces, ending in:
Yes
Very OK
***
The moment they walk in, Chan feels heads turn.
The restaurant he’d chosen for tonight is the kind of place with a separate wine menu, red roses on the white clothed tables and a waiting list that he’d only been able to skip thanks to Hit List connections. It’s a place for couples, for romantic gestures and sweet nothings, a fact that could account for some of the curious glances.
Most of them though, are just because Felix is the most beautiful person Chan has ever seen. He’s stunningly, disarmingly lovely in a ratty t-shirt and joggers. He’s achingly, tenderly pretty in his soft-pastel sweaters and jeans. He’s bewitchingly, breathtakingly alluring in his work clothes of mesh and pvc or lace. And like this, dressed to the nines in a slim black suit and a sheer black shirt, silver jewelry at his throat, on his slim wrists and fingers? He’s heart-stoppingly gorgeous.
So Chan gets how everyone in the room feels. He doesn’t want to look at anything but Felix either. Especially when he knows something that all these patrons, surreptitiously watching from behind their menus or blatantly gawking, don’t: He chose every single item Felix is wearing right now, down to the earrings. Not only because he wanted to, because Felix had wanted him to. Felix had been the one who kept prompting: and my shoes? don’t forget about accessories, what about rings? how should I do my make up? Giving Chan permission to dress him. The thought tingles through his fingertips, rushing to his toes, lighting him up.
As he leads Felix to their table, his hand gravitates naturally to the small of his back. His baby, his little one, his Lixie, his boyfriend, who draws every single eye in the restaurant.
His.
At the table, Felix looks helplessly at the elegant menu.
“Can you order for me?”
“Of course,” Chan says.
“It’s so fancy here.” Felix smiles at him over his goblet of water. “This is a date date.”
“Yeah,” Chan admits, laughing a little. “It’s not too much, is it?”
“I love it,” Felix says. “It’s so boyfriend-y.”
Heat rushes giddily to Chan’s cheeks. “Well, I figured...if we’re going to have a proper talk about things…about us…it should be somewhere like this. Besides, I want to show you off. I haven’t really gotten to yet, since…we’ve mostly been at home.”
“Yeah, we have.” Felix sends him a mischievous glance. “And to be honest…you in that suit? Is kinda making me want to skip out on dinner to go back home.”
“Is it now?”
“I mean. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not the only one people are looking at, Channie-hyung.”
“I’m pretty sure they’re all looking at you.”
“Nope, definitely the gorgeous man with his arm around me” Felix says, and Chan is blushing for real. “Anyway…the restaurant is definitely not too much."
The waiter comes by and Chan orders their food.
“So." Chan says. "Do you want to start, Lixie? You mentioned that things had been heading in the direction you’d hoped for, so it seems like you have some ideas of what you’d like us to look like?
“Yeah,” Felix agrees. He falls silent for a moment, and then says. "So…these past nine months…I really learned a lot about what I want in a relationship.” This is maybe the first time Felix has referred even obliquely to the time he spent last year. Chan is glad he learned something from having another boyfriend, especially if he’s putting it into practice with Chan.
“Good,” He says, encouragingly. “That’s great.”
“So I have a very clear idea of the framework that feels most natural to me. And if the past week is anything to go by, it's one that you seem to kind of understand instinctively, because like I said, I feel like we've been drifting in that direction.” Felix lifts his eyes from the table cloth back to Chan’s. “But I want to hear about what you want.”
"Well, I've been thinking a lot about what we talked about earlier."
"Dom boyfriend?" Felix asks, in his gremlin voice.
"Yes," Chan agrees, laughing. "I've never…done this before, you know? Not only has kink been a job for me until now, but even if maybe I'm not ah, as vanilla as I previously thought, my romantic relationships have always been vanilla. The kind of thing you and I have been doing this past week…it's never been possible with anyone but you…and I think that's kind of what got me all tangled up. I've always had boundaries with my subs. Even you and I…we've always had really clear boundaries, right? I mean, until they got…a little blurred.”
Felix shoots him an incredulous look. "A little?"
“Okay, a lot blurred.” He admits. “But still, theoretically, we had boundaries. Now that we're together…even the most basic of boundaries, Chan and Chris, feels like a false distinction. It's really hard for me to separate what I want from you as your boyfriend and what I want from you as your Dom.”
"I don't think you need to," Felix says. "Separate those, I mean. I can't separate them. Believe me, I tried. I think we needed that separation before. We needed boundaries, so we just sort of…forced them?”
Chan thinks of his living room, those marks on Felix's throat. Of the hallway by Felix's dorms. The Christmas Party. How much work it had been to keep those boundaries up, from the very beginning. How maybe...it's been hard to separate what he wants from Felix for a while.
Of how much they've already eroded those painstakingly erected barriers in the space of their home together in only a week.
"So where does that leave us?" He asks.
"I think, with us at least, it is a false distinction." Felix says. "And now that we’re together? I feel like…Chris is just a title, in the same way Sir is. But it's all you. There's no difference in my love for you as my boyfriend and my love for you as my Dom. And we don't need boundaries anymore, unless you want them."
Because that’s the real question, isn’t it? And if Chan lets go of his fear and his embarrassment and his second-guessing, he knows what he wants from Felix. He wants everything. And he wants to give Felix everything too. He’s given him his heart and his soul and now he wants to give Felix everything else too. All his time and his focus and his attention. And that’s so much.
“Do you?” Chan asks.
Felix wrinkles his nose, instantly seeing through Chan’s insecurity.
“I asked you first, Channie-hyung.”
Chan takes a deep breath. “I’m…I'm worried that without boundaries I’ll want…”
“What?”
“Everything.”
He sees as well as hears Felix’s answering gasp, flickering the flame of the candle on the table.
Felix's voice is soft, inexorable. “But do you want boundaries?”
Chan’s heart is pounding.
It feels like madness.
‘Have you considered… that if I let myself be selfish… I might not want to stop.’
‘It wasn’t a time-limited offer.’
It feels inevitable.
“No.”
He lifts his eyes from that flickering candle to Felix’s face. Felix is glowing, his eyes wide and luminous in the candlelight. His smile is so beautiful it takes Chan’s breath away
“Good.” Felix says. “ Because I don’t want them either. I never really wanted boundaries."
And maybe…maybe it's a miracle that those boundaries held for as long as they did. Only because Felix had wanted them, and Chan would fight against anything, even his own heart, to give Felix what he wants.
But maybe he should have known that in the end…what they want…is the same thing.
"When we first met, I needed them." Felix says. "But I wasn’t…very good at them.”
“But you were trying,” Chan tells him. “You did really well, baby.” He squeezes Felix’s hand.
Felix laughs. "I didn't, really.” He says. “Those boundaries became a false distinction for me a long time ago. I don't even really think of you as Chan or Chris now…you're just you..."
And that feels true to what they've been doing at home this past week. Like his Lixie is his baby, his little one, always.
"Okay then. So…no more boundaries." Chan says. Just saying the words sends a giddy, riotous thrill through him. "Tell me the framework you need, baby, and I’ll make sure it stays up.”
Felix's cheeks, already pink from his praise, grow pinker.
"Well…I already told you what I want." He says. "You talk about how you feel greedy with me but you're not the only one. I already asked for what I want from you, even if…maybe I shouldn’t have.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Felix’s smile is a guilty, brazen, mischievous thing. “I already gave you carte blanche, remember? I told you I wasn't good at boundaries."
“In room 318.” Chan counters automatically, but it's never felt as false as it does right now.
“For everywhere” Felix says. “For always. That’s how I meant it, really.”
It's a wondrous, reverent sort of triumph to know without a doubt that Chan was right. That this whole time, he had known just what Felix had given him when he'd given him carte blanche almost exactly a year ago. Himself. Fully and completely.
Chan had known it and accepted it, not only willingly but greedily. Desperately.
“I think…” He says, slowly. “That’s how I took it. Deep down.” His ears are burning, because admitting it still feels like the height of arrogance. “Like you belonged to me.”
“I did,” Felix says simply. “Even when I shouldn’t have.”
Chan knows what he’s saying, without really saying it. But Felix is right, maybe they still assume too much. Maybe they have assumed too much. And something in him still needs to know.
“You never took it back.” He says. “Carte blanche. While you were with him. You never asked for it back.”
"I couldn't." Felix’s eyes are huge in the candlelight. “I was still yours.”
Chan can’t speak for a moment, in the enormity of that truth.
"Okay," He says finally. "So. When you say ‘carte blanche’ what does that mean to you?"
The same question he'd asked then. He wonders if it will ever stop being mortifying to realize just how long he's loved Felix without knowing it.
“You have my blanket permission to do whatever you want to me, whenever you want, wherever we are.” Felix’s teeth dig into his lower lip, and it takes every ounce of control for Chan not to lean over the table and pull Felix across it, to replace those teeth with his own. "You told me you want everything…that’s what I want to give you. Everything."
Chan takes a long drink of his water, trying to clear his head and distill this ravenous, heady glut of permission into a proper framework.
“So…we’re talking about 24/7 dynamic, right? That’s what you mean here.”
“Yes.” Felix nods. “Like, what we've already been doing at home, but…everywhere. 24/7, free use, public displays of dominance…I want all of that with you."
The sheer force and magnitude of the trust Felix is handing him right now is overwhelming. But so is the way Chan wants this. It’s in his blood, in every breath.
“Okay.” Chan agrees. “I want that too.” He laughs, giddy and overwhelmed. “I want that so much I can’t even put it into words. It sounds perfect.”
“Good,” Felix says. His smile is like the brightest sun Chan has ever seen. And maybe the wildest thing about this all is that every time Chan thinks it’s not possible to feel happier, he’s inundated with even more happiness.
"We'll go over everything in detail later." He tells Felix. "Because I think you're right, this is what we were heading towards, some of us more subconsciously than others." He can't help his smile. "I'm going to make sure we start this with intention. So we both know exactly where we stand and that we're both on the same page."
“Of course,” Felix agrees. "You know I like talking things out with you." He gives a little contented sigh, eyes sweeping down before he looks back up at Chan. "But can we...finish dinner first?"
“Of course we can." Chan tells him. He shifts, just a little in his chair. “You're so perfect, baby. Perfect for me. My little one.”
It’s addictive, the rush that he feels, as he hears Felix make a little intake of breath across from him. The way it is between them. The connection. The way it’s so effortless. How quick his little one is to acquiesce, the way his submissive headspace is always so close to the surface, just waiting for him to say the word. Not even a word. All it takes is a look. A touch. A gesture. A tone of voice.
Felix is glowing now, suffused with light, right on the threshold, slipping, slipping, as Chan watches him, glossy-eyed and lovely. Part of Chan wants to forget the rest of dinner, take Felix home and then take him apart, piece by piece.
But what better way to thank his little one for the gift he’s giving Chan than to give Felix exactly what he’s asked for?
“I want you to finish your water, baby.”
And Chan can see it, his command washing over Felix, the way he opens to it like a flower. He brings the water glass to his lips, and starts to drink.
“Slowly.” Chan says. “So everyone can see you being good for me.”
Felix whimpers. The sound hits Chan’s blood like gasoline, the fire of Domspace rushing through him hot and heady.
“What was that, baby?”
“Yes, Chris.”
Felix drinks his water slowly, and Chan just watches his throat work as he swallows, his beautiful perfect little one.
“Very good,” He says. “But you look a little flushed, baby. Take off your jacket.”
Felix slips off his jacket, slow and graceful and perfect
“There you go. Isn’t that better?”
“Yes, Chris.”
“The lights are low, but if people look close enough, they’ll realize just how sheer that shirt is. Everyone will see how beautiful you are, baby.”
“Just for you, Chris. Only for you.”
“That's right, baby.”
The waitress brings their food then, and Felix waits, so pretty and obedient.
“Two bites of peas for every bite of steak, baby.” Chan tells him. “And leave the last two peas on the plate. If you can be good for me, I’ll give you dessert.”