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Dan had been staring at his hands and the living room floor for what seemed a very, very long time. His mind was swirling with thoughts, but, at the same time it felt entirely blank.
He and Phil had talked the night before - a discussion of all their thoughts, feelings. Wants.
Exactly as Frank and Gerard had told them to.
“Communication is key, it’s the most important part of a relationship, any aspect of it.”
Frank’s words to Dan, just a few days previous.
“You gotta… Talk it out. Always.”
“But… What about..?” Dan picked at an imaginary thread on his duvet. Frank had laughed and shook his head. “Sex? Oh, believe me, especially then.”
Dan laced his fingers together, leaning down and tapping his thumbs against his chin.
Turns out Gerard had the same advice for Phil.
So. They’d talked about it. Everything. Dan had come to Phil’s room and they both knew the talk ahead of them. There had been a stumbled start, of course, neither sure how to begin, both blushing.
“Soo…” Phil began, not quite able to make eye contact with Dan. “You wanna start?”
Dan shook his head. “Do you?”
Phil shrugged, exaggeratedly. “One of us has to.”
“I hear that’s how this works.” Dan smiled, just a little. He closed his eyes, and took in a deep breath.
“Okay.” Dan said slowly. “I’m… Just gonna put this out there, right away.” He glanced up, and saw Phil looking at him, patiently waiting, nodding encouragingly.
“I… Want to sleep with you.” Dan continued. “I mean… Not like we have. I mean… I mean. Uh. Sex. That. That’s what I mean.”
He covered his face with his hand. “Oh God. This is so awkward.”
Phil inched closer and pulled Dan’s hand away from his face. “I think it’s meant to be a little awkward. But… It’s good, too, right? Means we… Understand what we both want better.”
Dan nodded, then looked up, meeting Phil’s eyes. “Okay. Your turn. What do you want?”
Phil frowned, thoughtfully, and looked away.
Dan blinked, trying not to panic, but Phil was taking a long time answering, and it was hard to keep doubts, fears at bay.
“Phil?”
Phil looked up, focusing on Dan again, and saw the worry in his eyes. He took up Dan’s hand again, squeezed gently. But still, he said nothing.
“Phil.” Dan said, carefully. “Phil. If you don’t- Phil just tell me if this isn’t what you want and I’ll back off, I swear, just-”
Phil squeezed his hand harder, and moved closer, gently shushing Dan as he did. “Dan, Dan, I’m not saying that, I’m not saying it isn’t what I want.”
“Then why is it taking you so long to answer?” Dan looked away, aware of how pouty his voice sounded, hating it, but unable to stop.
Phil reached out, smiling slightly as he brushed back Dan’s hair. “Because it’s hard to find the right words sometimes. To say… I don’t want to rush, I don’t want to rush you. Because I know I’ll be your first… Guy anyway. And because I know, now, I know you’ve been… Waiting, and I don’t want to let you down. And, to say that… I’m scared, because it’s so… Huge. I mean, sex is… It’s a big deal. And. I guess, I don’t want to. Uh. Hurt you. Um. In any way.”
Dan smiled, very slightly, and looked up a little. “You think I’m not scared too?”
Phil nodded in acknowledgement, ducking his head as he smiled back. “Okay, yeah. I guess.”
“So… Knowing that. Knowing I’m scared, but, I know I still want… Do you think you can say… What you want?”
Again, Phil nodded, this time taking the question in more. “I want, the same. The same as you do.”
So now it was out there, once and for all. And, though they’d skirted around the idea so much that they’d gone as far as to talk to their much more experienced neighbours, now, now it felt so much more real. So much closer to… Actually happening.
“Um.” Dan said. “Do you think… We should… Plan? Like, have an idea when it might… Happen?”
Phil grimaced. “Doesn’t that kinda put a lot of pressure on?”
Dan shrugged. “Maybe, but it might make it easier? Knowing… What we’re going into before we get there.” He shrugged again. “I dunno, maybe like, make sure we’re both ready. And um. Have the right… Supplies.” To this Phil nodded, then he laughed. “Yeah, which one of us is making that shopping trip?” He pushed back his hair, still laughing, before he caught the very serious look on Dan’s face. “What?”
“Just for laughing, you’re the one making the trip.” Dan said, flatly.
“What?!” Phil protested. “Why?!”
“Because it’s not a joke Phil, we’re talking about- about our health, our safety.” He glanced away, his eyes casting down, and mumbled something.
Phil frowned, and leaned in closer. “What was that?”
Dan huffed, pointedly not meeting Phil’s eyes. “I said. It’s about… It not hurting more than it needs to.”
Phil sat, awkwardly for a few seconds, not sure how to respond to this. He shuffled closer, placing a hand on Dan’s arm. “You’re right. I’ll go.” Then he smirked slightly. “Guess it’s probably my job, huh? Gotta look after you if I’m your top, right?”
Dan grimaced in order to hide his laugh, then he shoved Phil, almost pushing him off the bed. “Shut up.”
The next day Phil had gone into town for various shopping needs, but they both knew, without having to say the words, the rest of the shopping was merely a cover for the true intentions.
Dan was sat on the sofa, TV on, laptop on his lap, chewing at his nails, trying not to think of the very specific items Phil would be bringing home.
His phone rang, and Dan answered without looking. Before he could even say hello, he was interrupted. “Dan!”
“Hi Phil.”
“Dan, we may have a problem.”
Dan rolled his eyes, and sighed a little too heavily down the phone. “What? You’ve literally been gone less than half an hour, what disaster could you possibly have walked into in that time?”
“This is serious!”
Again, Dan rolled his eyes. “Okay, sure, I’m listening.”
“I was just… You know, in the store… Choosing bubble bath.”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “Phil. We don’t need bubble bath.”
“But there were loads of AMAZING flavours! Flavours? Scents. I meant scents.”
Dan by now had his head in his hand, massaging his forehead. “Phil… What were you even doing down that aisle? We didn’t need anything from there.”
“I chose the coconut one.”
“Fine.” Dan sighed, giving up.
“Anyway, so I was looking at the bubble bath and then I heard this like… Squeak behind me.”
“A squeak?” Dan repeated, expecting this was going to be another one of Phil’s weird stories, that apparently couldn’t even wait until he got home this time.
“Yeah, so I turned around and there were these two girls standing there, both like, staring at me.”
“Ahh. Okay.” Dan said, relaxing again finally, leaning back into the sofa. “So you stumbled across some subscribers? That’s cool. Are you on your way home now or-”
“Dan!” Phil interjected, the panic from the beginning of the story spiking in his voice once more. “They saw. Um. They saw what was in my basket.”
Dan blinked, processing this. Apparently he was a few seconds longer than Phil thought appropriate.
“Dan?”
“Yeah.” Dan cleared his throat. “Was this, um. Near the beginning of you going around the store, by any chance?”
“Not exactly.”
“So…?”
“So I’m pretty sure, no, I’m completely sure that they spotted… The um. The um.”
Dan mindlessly refreshed his tumblr, and as he looked again he realised he had no need for Phil to finish his sentence.
Why oh why did people insist on tagging him and Phil in these kind of messages?
But there it was, right at the top of the page.
“Just bumped into Phil Lester in Boots!”
There was a picture of Phil and two girls. To Phil’s credit, he in no way looked like he’d just been startled by two fans.
Below the picture was more text.
“Looks like him and Dan have a fun night planned… If the things in Phil‘s basket are anything to go by.”
Below the post there were a number of tags, including Dan and Phil’s names, both full and usernames, aaaand… Yep, the contents of the basket, including two items in capitals.
“CONDOMS” and “LUBE”.
Dan groaned. “Phil… It’s on the internet, already.”
“What?!” Phil yelped.
“Yep. It’s on tumblr which means… It’ll be spreading like wildfire. Phil! Everyone’s gonna know we’re having sex because you got distracted by fucking bubble bath!”
“Don’t yell at me!” Phil protested, and Dan could almost see the lower lip jutting out as he said it.
Dan sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Okay. Okay, I’m sorry. I just. Fuck. I didn’t exactly want my- our first time to be announced to the entire internet.”
“I know.” Phil said. “I’m sorry. I- Is there anything we can do to fix this?”
“No. I dunno. I doubt it. Just. Just come home now, okay?”
“Okay.”
And so this was Dan, all distractions off and put away, sitting, thinking, waiting for Phil to get home.
Part of him wanted to address what he was sure was spiralling around on the internet, but another part knew that whatever he or Phil said now would have little to no effect. What would be the point in addressing it anyway? People knew already. Even if they’d never exactly made an announcement or whatever, it was entirely obvious that him and Phil were more than just friends these days.
Perhaps the thing that was really bothering him was… Although he was willing to share and be open about many, many things with their fans, this this was something that was meant to be just his, just his and Phil’s.
Still. There was little he could do about it now.
Phil finally arrived home and found Dan still sitting on the sofa. He looked up as Phil entered the room, setting shopping bags on the table.
Phil smiled, just slightly, apologetically. “Hey.”
Dan smiled back, and got to his feet, immediately going over to Phil, kissing him deeply.
Phil laughed as they parted. “What was that for?”
“I want you to know… I don’t care, I don’t care if people know.”
Phil smiled, and reached down to take Dan’s hands in his own.
Between them they put the small amount of shopping away, with a brief interlude as Phil showed off the bubble bath he was so proud of.
They both paused again when they got to those last two items, the ones that had likely caused a meltdown on the internet if either of them had the inclination to go look. Which they didn’t.
“Should… I keep this in my room?” Phil asked. Dan shrugged. “Um. Maybe? But what if… What if it ends up happening in my room? It’s gonna be a bit of a mood killer if one of us has to dash to get them.”
Phil nodded. “Well. I guess we decide now? Which, uh. Which of our rooms we want it to happen in?”
Dan laughed, covering his face with his hand. “Oh God. Can you believe how much thought we’re putting in to this? Fuck. Don’t most couples just let the moment take them when it happens? But not us nooo.”
“Dan.” Phil said, serious for once. “I actually think it’s better that we’re talking about it. I think it’s good. For both of us.”
Dan shrugged, nodded, then laughed briefly. “Yeah. But. Little part of me wishes… It would just happen and then we wouldn’t have to keep… Thinking and talking about when and how it might happen.” He fidgeted. “It makes me anxious I guess.”
Phil took his hands again. “Okay. Enough talking about it. For now.”
And so the subject remained un-talked about for a couple of days. Between that time both had their weekly live shows. While Phil ignored the questions that came through about the ‘shopping incident’ as it was now being referred to, Dan, in typical fashion decided to face the subject head on.
“Okay. Yes. I can see you guys flooding the chat again. So, let’s just get this out there, shall we?” He rocked back on his chair, then leant forward. “So I’m sure eeeveryyone here knows about ‘the shopping incident’ now, right? You all know what I’m talking about?” He squinted as he leaned in to read the chat. “Okay, in case anyone doesn’t know. The ‘shopping incident’ refers to the time, last week when Phil went out shopping and ran into a couple of you guys, subscribers. And, he happened to have some, ummm. Pretty. Uh. Pretty ’personal’ items he was buying. And, you know what? I know you guys aren’t stupid, and you all know without us having to spell it out to you what is going on with me and Phil these days. And, I’m gonna treat you like the sensible human beings I know you are and say…” He paused, rocking back on his chair. “You know what, safe sex is important, and no one should be embarrassed or ashamed of buying stuff like condoms and-” Pause as he coughed, slightly disbelieving he was even bringing this up, but knowing it was the right thing to do. “And lubricant because it’s all about being safe. You know, I mean, I don’t know what it’s like in other countries, but, in England, we’re taught a little about safe sex and not getting a girl pregnant and, you know, a little about STD’s and stuff. Which is all important, don’t get me wrong, that’s important! But… I feel like there’s still this real lack of anything outside the ‘hetero-normative’.” He paused to place air quotes around this word. He tilted his head to one side, considering this. “And, I guess… The thing is, preventing against pregnancy is something only heterosexual people are going to encounter, but STD’s are basically universal, and it’s important that EVERYONE understands that they could be at risk. I mean, if you’re lucky, you’ll have a partner who is incredibly open and honest and you can discuss these things, but. Let’s be honest, there’s no non-awkward way to ask ‘hey, have you shacked up with someone and come away with something more than a smile on your face?’.” Another pause for a wink and an incredibly cheesy finger click. Dan immediately fell forward laughing at himself.
“And. Okay. Okay, before I completely lose my nerve on this one. I’m gonna say it. If you are a gay, bisexual, pansexual or however you choose to identify male, in a relationship with another guy, considering having sex. You need to know that safe sex isn’t just about protecting yourself from those sorts of things, it’s also about not getting hurt. Which is where the very necessary purchase of lubricant comes in. I don’t care how many ‘rough sex’ fics you’ve read, anal sex without lube is incredibly dangerous and harmful. Maybe, maybe once you get more experienced, and perhaps you have some BDSM you wanna… Explore. I mean, I dunno. Okay, this part is me holding up my hands and saying, I have no authority when it comes to pain play, but, I’m gonna go out there and say… If you’re new to it, and nine times out of ten, you’re gonna need it.”
Dan looked at the chat again, and laughed as he read out loud. “So are you saying that you and Phil aren’t experienced?” He shrugged. “Well. Um…” Another laugh. “Maybe I’m saying we’re not experienced… With each other, yet?” He grimaced, then covered his face. “Oh God, I need to stop!”
Another look at chat, and he read out another comment that caught his eye. “You’re totally a bottom though, right?” Then he looked straight up at the screen and attempted a serious face. “Okay. I am not giving you any more information about mine and Phil’s sex life. So stop asking.”
He laughed again. And the conversation moved on.
Phil was waiting for him out in the hall when he finally signed out of the live show.
He was smiling.
“What?” Dan smiled back, shyly.
Phil shook his head. “You just take me by surprise sometimes, that’s all.”
“Still?” Dan said, raising an eyebrow.
Phil nodded, then ducked his head a little. “Yeah. Still.”
Later that night, when Dan was sat up in bed, mostly ready to sleep, but just waiting for the full sleepiness to come over him, there was a tiny knock on the door.
He looked up just as the door opened a tiny bit, and he saw Phil, dressed in his pyjamas, peeking through the gap.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” Dan smiled, closing his laptop and putting it to the end of the bed. “You okay? It’s late isn’t it?”
Phil nodded, pushing the door open more, and stepping in. “Yeah, but I… Couldn’t exactly sleep.”
Dan frowned, sitting up. “Something bothering you?”
“Nothing really, just…” Phil trailed off, then looked up at Dan. “Is it okay, if I stay with you tonight?”
Dan blinked, surprised, then he shifted over on the bed, making room. “Yeah. Um. Of course.”
He continued to watch Phil as he settled in next to Dan. How long had it been since Phil had asked to share?
How long had it been since Dan had asked, for that matter? Wasn’t it strange that since they’d become ‘official’, they still never seemed to share a bed?
“Everything okay?” Dan asked, shifting to lay down with Phil, moving a little closer. Phil nodded. “Just… Missed you I guess.”
Dan laughed. “I was just next door, we had dinner together only a few hours ago.”
Phil shrugged, self consciously. “I know but…”
“I’m glad you’re here.” Dan interrupted, leaning closer, kissing Phil lightly.
Phil blushed, then kissed him back.
It was nice, innocent, they drifted off to sleep together, loosely curled up close. Dan was first to finally give in to sleep, that slight shift in breathing giving away his dream-like state to Phil, who opened his eyes, just a little.
He smiled, and thought about how this reminded him of earlier days, falling asleep together because they’d both been too excited talking to leave each other. When neither would admit they were tired and one of them, usually Dan, would end up crashing out while Phil was still chatting away.
He remembered a night like that. If Phil was remembering correctly, it was just before Dan had moved in with him. Phil knew now, that at that point Dan already had a huge crush on him. Phil remembered they’d both been talking, then, without warning, Dan was asleep, stretched out across the end of Phil’s bed. For a second, Phil had been annoyed that Dan hadn’t told him he was sleepy, since now it was going to be near impossible for Phil to get into bed himself. But the annoyance had quickly worn off, and he’d scooted down, checking on the younger boy.
And. There had been that moment, where Phil had considered… How sweet and… In some ways… Beautiful Dan looked, still fully clothed, a little curled in on himself.
At the time… Phil had ignored that thought, had barely even registered it. But now. Phil wondered what might have happened if he’d taken those thoughts, the fleeting feelings into account.
He let his gaze trail over Dan, and smiled.
‘No.’ He thought. ‘It’s all happened when it’s supposed to have happened. No sooner, no later.’
Phil snuggled up closer, closing his eyes again. “Everything when it’s supposed to.” The words escaped him just as he too drifted off to sleep.