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Chapter Text

Two years ago

Sirius was doing his best to breathe as Lucius gave him a shove. He was staring down at the floor, he had heard his name, but moving seemed somewhat impossible because he knew that was it. That was the moment he had to do it.

“Sirius, you’ll get a DNF if you don’t go now.” Lucius hissed at him, he shoved his shoulder again. Maybe that was easier? Maybe he should just not skate at all. “Sirius!”

He gripped him that time, he tugged on his shoulder and Sirius flew off the bench. He braced his fall with his hands. They hit the mat under his feet. Sirius hadn’t realised how much he was shaking until he tried to push himself off the ground.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake.” Lucius grabbed his arm, pulling him up from the ground. Sirius stood then, being ushered towards the ice by Lucius. “Your mother will hear about this.”

That was the last thing he said before Sirius took off over the ice. He heard the cheers ring in his ears. His mother could not hear about that because she would not be happy.

He had to get out.

He took his starting position, searching the crowd for her. Was he really going to do it? She didn’t look happy where she sat. She looked angry, disappointed . She always looked so disappointed. She was quite a bit away ,but Sirius could still make out the way her eyebrows furrowed.

He could picture her eyes in his mind as well. Why did he have to have her eyes? Why did he look more like her? Regulus was so lucky.

The music started. Ride A White Swan by T. Rex. Sirius loved that routine. He wasn’t so sure he did right then.

He had it all planned out, he just needed to follow through. He just needed to jump a backflip. In a way, Sirius didn’t care if he missed the landing. He knew he could do it - he had practised it enough times to know he could - but if he missed it, if he broke his neck, if he died right then and there, he wouldn’t care.

And then, he thought of Regulus again. So, maybe he didn’t want to die live on TV where his brother could see him. Maybe.

He didn’t want to leave him either though. He wanted to stay and keep him safe. He wanted to take him with him, but Regulus was in London, and Sirius was not there right then.

Regulus didn’t want to go either. He never wanted to go. He wanted to stay in that house. Why did he want to stay? Sirius couldn’t force him, but he couldn’t leave him.

It was coming up, the point of the jump. Should he do it? Should he jump? He had planned it, but he hadn’t really thought it through. It was still a spur-of-the-moment decision. What would happen afterwards? Sirius had no way to get away from there. He really planned nothing.

His breathing picked up, he felt tears burn his eyes. What was he going to do? What was the plan? He didn’t have a plan, he didn’t know what to do. Why was he even there?

Sirius missed James at that moment. He would have known what to do, he would have told him the plan. James would have held him when he started crying.

Sirius wiped at his face because it felt like he was crying, but the back of his hand remained dry.

He went into a sit spin, he tried to think.

What should he do? What was the plan? The beat of the song was coming up, the part he had planned. He would disappoint everyone, no one would ever look at him the same. He would throw away everything, and for what? A slim chance that things would get better? What if they didn’t get better? What if he ended up on the streets? What if he died?

Dying hadn’t seemed so terrible a second ago, but the reality of it all was hitting him over the head and he wasn’t sure he wanted to die. He had never wanted to die, that was the truth, he just wanted to live his life.

And he would never be able to if he didn’t take a risk.

Fuck.

He was going to do it.

He decided right then, five seconds before the beat of the song would indicate it.

Sirius broke the program, he skated backwards towards the centre. He took a deep breath that he didn’t exhale, he held it, and then, he kicked off. He jumped in the air, backwards. He did his backflip, he landed it perfectly.

He smirked, his vision blurred with tears as he stopped right on the ice by doing a hockey stop. He sprayed the ice, looked up at his mother, and held up two fingers at her. He couldn’t see her figure, but he knew she was there, he knew she saw it.

And then, he set off. He skated back towards the barrier. He heard Lucius’s yells once he was off the ice. He heard him cursing at him, he felt him grip him to hold him in place, but Sirius wasn’t there anymore.

He was somewhere else as he stormed off towards the changing rooms. He pushed the door open, tears streaming down his cheeks. The lights turned on, lighting up the room, but they were nothing but blurry spots to him. He slammed the door shut, the noise echoed in his ears.

The echo rang loudly as he tripped over his skates. The toepick hit the protective mat and he fell down to the floor in a fit of sobs.

What had he done? Why did he do that? What was wrong with him? He didn’t feel better, he felt worse. Everything felt worse.

Oh fuck.

He had nowhere to go.

What was he supposed to do? He didn’t know what to do.

James.

James would know what to do. He needed James so badly, but James wasn’t there.

He needed James.

Sirius crawled over the floor towards the locker where he had his things. His tears still streamed down his face, they landed on the floor. Sirius watched as the drops soaked into the mat. He tried to wipe his face, but it did nothing.

He gave up on an impossible task. He opened the locker and he got his phone. He couldn’t see the screen because of how blurred his vision was. The light of the screen smudged over the edges of his phone. It was all blurry.

Sirius kept wiping at his eyes. Eventually, he could read the display. He clicked on his contacts, he clicked on James’s number as he crawled into the bathroom. He didn’t want anyone to find him. If Lucius came back there, he couldn’t get him if he was in the bathroom. If his mother came…Sirius didn’t know if he would be able to say no to her if she told him they were going home. If she raised her voice, he was a goner.

He locked the door, sniffling as new tears fell while the phone rang.

Why did it take so long for James to pick up? Why didn’t he answer right then?

“James, please.” Sirius begged, clinging to himself on the bathroom floor. One more ring and James picked up. Sirius didn’t even give him time to greet him before he spoke again. “James, I did something stupid.”

“Padfoot, that doesn’t surprise me. You’ll have to be more specific.” James laughed. Sirius realised he must not have watched the finals - why would he, he didn’t know shite about figure skating and it wasn’t like Sirius had done more than mention it to him - or heard that he was upset and panicking. It was like the flick of a switch though, one moment, James had been laughing, and the next, he was not because Sirius wasn’t responding to it. “Oh, fuck, what’s up?”

“I…ran out during the competition.” Sirius whispered. He started crying again. He tried not to because he didn’t want James to know how badly he was doing.

“Do you need help to get home? I’ll talk to Mum right now. She’ll come and–”

“I’m such a coward, Prongs. I could look her in the eye and leave, but I didn’t dare for her to speak back. I wouldn’t be able to do it if she spoke back. I’m so scared of what she’ll say. I just want to stay in my stupid fantasy where she’s okay with it.”

Sirius shattered then, if there was one moment in his life where he knew he shattered, it was then. He broke apart and, as he sat on the floor in the bathroom, he never knew if he would be mended back together again.

* * *

February 12th (Present day)

Sirius woke up in a full sweat. He sat up, his t-shirt clinging to his skin. He pulled a hand through his hair as strands were stuck to his forehead. He panted as if he had run a marathon, but it was just a nightmare.

Was it a nightmare if it was a memory? Sirius wasn’t sure, but it felt like a nightmare, even if he had experienced it before.

He sighed as he lay down again. Evan was snoring ever so slightly next to him. They still had their pillow wall - something Sirius was extra grateful for because Evan might have woken up from his sweating otherwise.

He was fast asleep though so Sirius didn’t have to worry about that. He felt the warmth of the bedsheets under him. They were sweaty too. It was disgusting.

He rolled around on his side, his t-shirt still clinging to him. He wanted a shower, a change of clothes and some fresh air to top it off because he was not going to fall back asleep covered in sweat.

He sighed as he sat up. He checked the time, it was almost two am. Sirius rubbed his eyes before he stood. He was careful so he didn’t trip over something because Evan apparently threw things around just as much as Sirius did. After they had settled down in their room, Evan had not cleaned up his things.

He stepped over Evan’s figure skates, around their bags, and walked over the outfit Evan had skated in. He winced slightly as he stepped on a gemstone, realising that walking over it was a bad decision. He grabbed his foot and bit his lip before he finally reached the bathroom.

The light was already on because, even if Evan didn’t want it on, Sirius got his way. He didn’t like the dark.

He would have closed the door, but it was still very broken. Sirius was not looking forward to telling the hotel about the door in the morning. James had broken it down to help Regulus and that mattered more to Sirius than the potential cost and terrible embarrassment of having to state the door was off the hinges.

Sirius washed his face in the sink, feeling somewhat better. He looked up in the mirror as the water dripped down his jaw and fell into the sink again.

He looked tired, he thought. He was tired. The past months had been mentally exhausting with coaching Regulus and trying to keep him safe while also trying to keep himself together so he didn’t fall apart when he was needed the most. That ended up happening anyway, but it was all over.

Regulus got to skate, Evan won the finals, and Sirius still had mental health issues he clearly wasn’t ready to face.

He sighed again as he turned off the running water. He would get some fresh air, and then he would see if he still felt the need to change. He didn’t really have another set of clothes to sleep in and he would rather die than sleep in just his pants. It didn’t matter how tall of a wall there was between him and Evan, he wouldn’t do it.

He did want to avoid sleeping in jeans, though, so he carefully snuck back over the room - stepping over Evan’s clothes since he learnt that was smarter - and got his shoes. He carefully opened the door and stepped out into the hall where he got them on.

He took a deep breath once he stood out there and he already felt somewhat better.

He turned to walk down the hall but froze when he heard a yell further down. He could see the entire corridor, there was no one there. He felt like he should leave it, he just wanted some fresh air, but Sirius still decided to investigate. He walked down the corridor until he realised that one door stood slightly ajar.

The door to Remus and Barty’s room.

He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. Sirius stared at the brown wood and thought about it. He heard muffled talking, it was just Remus, Sirius was sure. He had a deeper voice than Barty’s, so he was sure he would have heard him if he were also there.

He waited another moment, thinking about every decision in his life that led him to that moment. He didn’t care about Remus, he really didn’t, but he had been upset too. He hadn’t been himself after he placed second. He lost that cocky sneer and his mocking words. His entire demeanour changed. Sirius could picture the tears that had run down his perfect face, he could picture the puffiness in his mesmerising light brown eyes.

Sirius snapped out of his thoughts as he heard him yell again and that time it was clear what he was yelling:

“Fuck!”

Sirius shouldn’t. He should have walked away, but that wasn’t what he did.

He carefully placed his fist on the wood, knocking a few times. The door swung open, and Remus appeared in the doorway - tear-stained cheeks and excitement in his eyes. Sirius melted from them. The excitement fully faded when he met Sirius’s eyes.

“Black.” Remus nodded stiffly as he wiped at his face. “Why are you here?”

“I heard you yelling.” Sirius mumbled. He weighed on his feet again, uncomfortable with the situation he had created. He wouldn't be in that situation if he hadn’t knocked. It was his fault really. “Just…are you okay?”

Remus scoffed. He stared at Sirius as if he was stupid and he felt a little dumb then. Of course, he wasn’t okay.

Sirius felt his face grow hotter the longer he stared into Remus’s eyes. He was judging him, it felt like it anyway. He shouldn’t have knocked on the door, why did he have to knock?

“Sorry, Lupin, I shouldn’t have disturbed you.” Sirius looked down to the ground because he felt a lot of things all at once and he didn’t know what to make of it.

“Mhm.” Was all Remus offered before he closed the door. Sirius looked up and stared at the wood.

Okay, he clearly didn’t want him there. Sirius should leave, Remus shut the door in his face, he didn’t want whatever it was Sirius was about to say. Not that Sirius himself knew what it was.

He sighed, pulling a hand through his hair before he made the very informed decision of sitting down on the floor outside the door.

Why he did, he didn’t know. Remus didn’t want him there, but he still sat down.

He leaned his head back against the door, watching the wall on the opposite side. The wallpaper had a yellow tint to it, Sirius hadn’t noticed that when he walked through the halls before. Maybe it wasn’t so weird, he usually didn’t take in every little detail he saw.

He sat there for a while before the door behind him unlocked and he fell backwards through the doorway.

He winced as he looked up at Remus who stood over him with a confused expression mixed with the clear upset on his face.

“What the fuck?” Remus mumbled as his eyebrows furrowed.

“Sorry.” Sirius flew up so he stood again, feeling even more embarrassed than before. “I just…I didn’t wanna go.”

“Okay…” Remus smacked his lips, his expression not exactly happier. He looked a bit creeped out if Sirius was being honest. He couldn’t exactly blame him. “Why?”

“You seem upset.” Sirius avoided Remus’s eyes by staring down at the floor.

“No shit.” Remus closed the door again, but not all the way. He left a little opening. “You can leave now.”

“Why did you open the door again?” Sirius sat down, looking towards the door as if Remus would open it again if he stared long enough.

“Why does it matter?” Remus huffed on the other side. Sirius heard the faint noise of a ringtone going. He listened to the signal as it rang before Remus cursed again as it hit the answering machine.

“Who are you calling?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Remus hissed at him. So he had a bit of a bite to him. Sirius chewed on his lip as he listened to Remus’s uneven breathing.

“Okay, it doesn’t matter.” Sirius nodded slowly. “Where’s Crouch?”

Nothing. Sirius waited for another come back, anything, but he was offered silence and then a choked sob.

So that was the wrong thing to ask.

He put that to memory right then.

Sirius sighed yet again, running a hand over his face. He should leave. He really, really should.

“I won’t ask again.” He murmured, more to himself than Remus. Remus didn’t offer him more than a grunt. He heard the ringsignal go again.

Barty was not there, maybe Remus was calling him. That would make sense. He could put two and two together well enough to make sense of that.

Sirius tapped his feet against the floor as he listened to Remus leave a whispered message after the beep. That was the second time he was outside the door of someone having a clear emotional breakdown that weekend. It was a weird coincidence, that was for sure. Maybe figure skater’s were just extra emotional.

“Is Rosier happy?” Remus suddenly asked, pulling Sirius out of his thoughts to continue the conversation through the door.

“Yeah, very.” Sirius nodded. He was happy - shocked too which made sense. Evan didn’t think he would beat Remus, let alone win the entire finals. He did though, he won and he was ecstatic. “You got second.”

Sirius knew Remus wasn’t happy, his entire breakdown right by the ice after placing second told him as much. He didn’t need to know Remus to know he was devastated.

“That I did.” Remus whispered so low that Sirius barely caught it. A sigh left Remus’s lips and then, another set of ringing as Remus called again.

Sirius said he wouldn’t ask again, he assumed that was the only reason Remus let him stay. He listened to Remus as he whispered yet another message. The words were choked and sobs, Sirius could barely make out what he was saying

Afterwards came silence. A slightly deafening silence of them sitting on opposite sides of the door. Sirius straightened up against the wall as he listened to Remus’s uneven breathing. It sounded like he wanted to get himself under control, like he was trying to do so, but failed.

Sirius could leave then. He should leave then.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he weighed the options in his head. He said he wouldn’t mention Barty again, but he also wanted to do something. He would have left by then if he didn’t care.

He cared? That was a new one. Sirius moved his head back and forth with the realisation as if it would sink in faster if he did.

Why did he care about Remus Lupin? He was annoying, rude, and arrogant. He had no pleasant traits whatsoever except that beautiful face and those mesmerising eyes.

But Sirius didn’t care how pretty wankers were, they were still wankers. So why did he care?

“Are you waiting for Crouch to call back?” Sirius asked. He was blunt with his question. He said he wouldn’t ask, yet, he still did, there was no reason for him to be gentle unless he wanted to tiptoe around the topic.

“Does it matter?” Remus responded the exact same way he had before. Does it matter? Sirius would assume it did or Remus wouldn’t be having a complete breakdown over it.

Maybe that was why he cared. Maybe he cared because Remus was so clearly in pure distress. Sirius would like to think he had empathy and cared about other people. Remus was a prime case that he was right in thinking that about himself.

“I’m fine just sitting here, you know? Not talking if that’s what you prefer.” Sirius mumbled, dragging his fingers over the carpet underneath him. Maybe that was a bit filthy. Carpeted floors, a lot of bad things had probably been dragged across there.

“Do whatever you want.” Remus huffed. His huff was more of a sigh though. Sirius was really analysing that situation. What was he doing? He barely recognised himself as he sat there.

“Right.” Sirius nodded even if Remus couldn’t see that he did.

They fell silent. Sirius got to listen to Remus call Barty - because it was confirmed to him to be Barty through one of Remus’s messages where he just cried Barty’s name - over and over. Each message was heavier than the last, more desperate.

Barty never answered.

Sirius had no idea how long he sat there, taking in that version of Remus that he wouldn’t have thought existed a month prior to that.

A long time he spent seated on the floor. Enough time to where his legs fell asleep and he had to readjust several times from the position. He was getting a bit tired too. The original stress from waking up was lost long ago.

Sirius sighed as he shifted his position again, his foot stinging, when the door opened a bit wider. Sirius turned his head and found Remus’s face in the spring where he sat on the other side.

Their eyes met again and Sirius swallowed on instinct. Those eyes were the most gorgeous Sirius had ever seen. Such a light, beautiful brown.

They held eye contact for a moment before Remus moved out of the doorway. He didn’t close the door, he left it half open. Sirius glanced up to find him walking back into his room. He left the door open. Was that an invitation? Did he want him inside? Did he want to talk to him? What was he supposed to do? Sirius stared at an open door like he had never seen one before.

“Are you coming inside or?” Remus asked and Sirius blinked as he shifted to stand.

“I–I’m invited?” Sirius looked up at Remus who moved to sit down on the bed. The room had two separate beds, but they had been pushed together. Sirius wished he and Evan could have gotten that room if Remus and Barty were pushing the beds together anyway.

“That’s why I left the door open.” Sirius was sure he was blushing, his entire face felt hot. Thinking about it didn’t make it better either because he just felt warmer.

“Right.” Sirius nodded as he stood and stepped inside.

“Leave the door ajar.” Remus mumbled as he lay down. Sirius nodded again as he did just that, closing the door but not to a full close and lock. Sirius then walked over the floor, feeling very unsure of himself in the room which was unlike him. He owned every room, that was who he was. He had a presence and he had confidence. He had neither right then. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Sirius took a deep breath before he walked around the bed and sat down up against the headboard.

“Fuck.” Remus shut his eyes, laying on his back. Sirius’s eyes ate up his features. He sat there, looking down at Remus and drinking in the sight of him. Even like that, a complete mess and with a clear exhaustion lingering over him, he was the prettiest man Sirius had ever seen. And he included himself on that list.

“Are you going to keep calling?” Sirius asked. He felt a tension leave his shoulders as he sank into the mattress.

“There’s no point, the last five hours were a waste.” Remus let out a short breath, almost like a small laugh. It sounded very bitter. “If he was going to pick up, he would have by now.”

Sirius wasn’t sure what to say to that. He wasn’t exactly the comforting type. James, he was. Sirius would like to think he had learnt a thing or two, but the only person he really knew how to comfort was Regulus. And Regulus was his brother. The only reason he could comfort him was because it was second nature to comfort his baby brother.

He really wasn’t the type who would sit on a bed next to an emotional wreck and try to patch them back together. Yet, there he was.

Again, James was that type. He could do that in his sleep. Oh, how Sirius once again came to envy James. He really was his biggest idol.

“Maybe he needs time.” Sirius said as if he knew Barty. Barty was literally one of the worst people he knew. He hated his guts, maybe just as much as he hated Snape’s. He had no idea what Barty needed or why he had left Remus. He was talking out of his arse to give some comfort to Remus because his stupid brain couldn’t leave the situation alone.

What the fuck was he doing?

How did he even end up there?

He was such an idiot.

“Why are you still here?” Remus asked after a moment of silence.

“I don’t know.” Sirius shrugged, speaking the truth. He didn’t know why he was there. “Why did you invite me inside?”

“I don’t know.” Remus offered back. “Would you mind staying?”

Sirius swallowed at those words. Stay . There. In Remus’s hotel room. In the same bed. Stay .

“Nah, it’s cool.” Sirius responded, and he wanted to slap himself. What the fuck was that response? He had never in his life spoken like that, but there he was, making a utter fool out of himself. Of course. Awesome.

“Cool.” Remus chuckled weakly, a bit mocking. Sirius could take that, or at least he thought he could, but his heart was hammering faster in his chest and everything, once again, felt warmer. “Lay down then.”

“Right.” Sirius swallowed as he slid down beside Remus. It did not help with the temperature he felt. “Are you tired?”

“So fucking tired.” Remus whispered. Sirius both heard and felt him roll on the bed. He was about to suggest pulling the beds apart again so they could sleep in different beds when he felt Remus brush against him.

Sirius blinked in the dark. He felt like his brain had just exploded. What was happening? He didn’t know Remus, so why were they so close? Sirius was not built for something like that, that was for sure.

Sirius lay stiff as Remus shifted even closer, the small gap between them disappearing with every inch Remus shifted closer. Maybe Sirius should jump up and run, maybe he should say something. Maybe…but he couldn’t.

The second he felt Remus’s breath on his neck, his hand lightly touching Sirius’s lower stomach, well, he was kinda stuck. Mostly because his brain was malfunctioning and all he could focus on was trying to make his breathing normal when his heart was hammering faster.

Remus was far too comfortable, Sirius thought. Or maybe he didn’t care. Maybe he made an decision that benefitted his mental state by cuddling up to Sirius. It was not doing the same for Sirius, that was for sure.

Sirius moved his head slightly to find Remus staring at him through the darkness. It was dark, but Sirius could still make out his features from the streetlights and moon outside the window. Sirius met his eyes and stared back.

Eventually, Remus’s eyes fell shut again. Sirius watched his face, he watched his features soften. He heard his breathing slow. Remus was asleep.

Sirius could move away then, Remus wouldn’t notice. He could, but he didn’t. He said he could, but he didn’t think he actually could. It was a physical battle to move away, one he wasn’t winning.

In fact, he lost so hard that he nuzzled closer, grabbing the duvet up high so he could bury himself under it and close to Remus’s body.

Sleep didn’t exactly come as easy to Sirius as it did Remus. It probably made sense, Remus was emotionally exhausted, and Sirius was emotionally alert. His emotions were running wild with how he and Remus were lying right then. He was so close that he could feel Remus’s breathing.

He must have lost his mind. That was the only logical reason why he agreed to lay there in the first place. What was wrong with him? He was not that type of person to just…he wasn’t even sure what it was he was doing, but it was not what he usually did.

All Sirius knew was that he couldn’t move away. Not when Remus was so warm and fragile and smelt so nice and all the other things he was that drove Sirius past the point of no return.

He was stupid.

And he didn’t want to leave.

He wanted Remus to be okay and he wanted to be the reason Remus was okay. He wanted to help him. He wanted to stay there.

He exhaled deeply, burrowing himself closer under the duvet so he could fall asleep. He needed to sleep under the duvet, it was just safer.

It took a while before the exhaustion consumed Sirius too. It took a while, but eventually, he, Sirius Black, who had never done anything even remotely close to that, fell asleep in the arms of Remus Lupin.

Chapter Text

Two years ago

“Dad, come on!” Remus called from the sofa where he sat in the living room. “It’s Sirius’s turn!”

He shifted a little, leaning forward to get closer to the tv.

“I’m coming, Remus, calm down.” Lyall chuckled as he walked into the room with a bowl of popcorn for them. He sat down next to Remus. “Predictions?”

“He’ll beat his personal best today.” Remus nodded eagerly as he took a handful of popcorn. He looked at his father, meeting his blue eyes with a smile. “I’ve been praying for a Cosmic Dancer free skate since he was announced to skate in the finals.”

“I know you have.” Lyall laughed a hearty laugh that made Remus’s entire body feel safe. His father just had that presence around him. Nothing could harm him if Lyall was there. He had felt like that for as long as he could remember. Even if Lyall wasn’t a very strong man, with a lanky frame that Remus had inherited, his presence was enough for Remus to feel protected. “It’s all you’ve been talking about these past few weeks.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Remus rolled his eyes, eating some popcorn as he heard the announcer call Sirius’s name again.

“Teenagers.” Lyall snorted. “Always so grumpy.”

Remus was about to protest, but right as he came up with a witty response, Sirius stepped out on the ice and all else was forgotten. His eyes followed Sirius’s every move as he skated around the rink for his warm-up.

“Here we see the young Sirius Black.” The commentator spoke from the tv. “He is in the best shape he has been in. Will we see a new junior record today perhaps? He’s the favourite to win today. Rumour has it the Olympic scouts have their eyes on him today.”

Remus smiled as he heard all of that. It was true, Sirius was the best junior figure skater there was. It was widely speculated that Sirius was making it on the team to represent the United Kingdom in two years for the Winter Olympics. And if Sirius didn’t make it, well, his younger brother Regulus was also in favour of being hand-picked for the team.

The Blacks were a figure skater family, and Remus knew all about them. He was only slightly obsessed.

“Ride A White Swan!” Remus exclaimed, bouncing in his seat. Lyall let out another soft laugh. “Seven times out of ten, Cosmic Dancer is the free skate after Sirius does Ride A White Swan for his short program.”

“Am I to assume statistics was what you did instead of your homework?” Remus glanced at his father, seeing that glint in his eyes. He gave a small nod before his eyes were back on the tv. “I always said you’d be good working with numbers.”

Lyall had always said that. Remus was good at maths - not that he was bad at other subjects - and Lyall praised that. His mother was always more of a creative touch. She was an art teacher, she taught Remus how to paint. She gave him creativity and a way to express himself that wasn’t through words because he was never very good at that.

Remus didn’t know what he wanted to do, but he did know his parents would support whatever decision he came to. They had always been like that.

“Is that a new step sequence?!” Remus exclaimed as he watched Sirius do three steps to the beat and then a twizzle instead of a counter. He watched his every step, memorising every detail, and it was, in fact, a new step sequence. It was not too different from the usual one he did during that short program, but it was not the usual one. “I wonder why they changed it.”

“I’m sure Malfoy had his reasons.” Lyall hummed. “He wouldn’t be a coach for the Blacks if he wasn’t good.”

Remus smiled when he watched Sirius set up for his signature jump. He jumped it in all his routines. A quadruple lutz into a triple toe-loop. Remus had gushed about that jump since he heard Sirius had done it. It was in every single issue of the usual magazines for months. Twelve years old and Sirius jumped a combination jump.

And he kept doing it.

Remus had always been inspired by Sirius, but no matter how hard he tried to replicate his moves, he never could. Sirius’s style of skating was unique to him.

That was one more thing that Remus loved about Sirius. He was special.

“Here comes Black’s signature jump. Just look at that quadruple lutz into a triple toe! I doubt anyone does it as perfectly as he does!” The commentator spoke with Sirius’s jump. He slammed his toe pick, he got so much height, it was beautiful.

Remus cheered from the sofa, clapping his hands as if he was right there by the ice. He smiled as Sirius continued with the program he knew practically by heart by that point. Sirius went down in a sit spin and then he would set up for a triple axel.

Just on que, Sirius went down into a sit spin. The form was perfect. When Sirius came back up, he didn’t set up for the axel though. Remus furrowed his eyebrows. They had changed the step sequence, so there might be a new part to the routine that Remus didn’t know. He was intrigued, to say the least.

Sirius skated up to the middle of the ice, going backwards. That was enough for Remus to deduce that he wasn’t jumping an axel.

“Wait.” Remus whispered when he realised it wasn’t any normal jump Sirius was about to do from the form. He had one second to process that it wasn’t an ordinary jump before Sirius slammed his toe pick and jumped backwards into a full backflip.

“That’s bold.” Lyall said while Remus audibly gasped when he watched the move. It was as impressive as it was terrifying to watch. He landed it perfectly like he did everything. “Willingly taking points of his routine.”

“This isn’t in the program, nor should it be! That will be major point deductions!” The commentator spoke. Sirius had broken the program? “Has he forgotten that the Olympics is on the line here?”

Sirius chose to do that backflip without having it cleared in the program? Why?

Remus didn’t have time to dwell on the thought for long before Sirius did a hockey stop, spraying the ice. The cameras zoomed in on him as he stood still before he raised two fingers up at the audience.

“Now that is some unsportsmanlike behaviour! Cursing at the audience! I’ve never seen the audacity of–What is he doing now? Is he leaving the rink?!” The commentator laid out Remus’s thoughts exactly. What was happening?

He turned to look at his father as if he would have the answer. It was mostly a reflex more than logic. If Remus needed help, he sought out Lyall. Always had, always would. Remus couldn’t see that changing even when he grew older.

“Don’t look at me, I don’t know.” Lyall chuckled. He reached out and ruffled Remus’s hair. “I’m sure he did it for a reason though, bug, don’t worry.”

“Yeah.” Remus sighed as he leaned back on the sofa, watching the absolute confusion on everyone as the commentators tried to fill the silence as the judges decided if they should even score Sirius’s routine or give him a DNF. It felt like a weird case, any other skater would have gotten a DNF the second they stepped off the ice prematurely. Sirius had a presence, that was for sure.

He did end up with a DNF, though, as the rules stated. Remus felt uneasy as he watched the rest of the competition. He was just waiting for the free skate and Sirius again.

But when the free skate came around, when Sirius’s name was called, he never showed.

Remus watched the aftermath of Sirius never stepping up for his free skate, and the competition moved on like it was normal.

It wasn’t normal.

The confusion lingered on Remus for the rest of the day. It didn’t disappear the next day or the day after.

It was four days after the finals when Remus finally got clarity. It became the biggest figure skating news; all the magazines wrote about it.

Junior figure skater Sirius Black has quit.

Remus sat at the dinner table, staring at the words as if he couldn’t believe them. He reread them, he reread the interview with Sirius’s mother, Walburga Black, who confirmed it. He read it again and again, still not trusting his eyes to have read it right.

His vision was blurry, his eyes stung, he must have read it wrong.

His parents were making dinner for them all. Lyall was humming some Bowie song and Hope was swaying to the melody as they cooked.

Remus looked up from the magazine and caught the sight, a sight that usually would have made him smile, but it didn’t right then.

“I’m not hungry.” He mumbled, standing up and breaking the scene apart. “I’ll be in my room.”

Remus hurried off down the hall and closed himself in his room. He cried that night, he wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like he knew Sirius, so why did it matter so much to him that he had quit? Why did he cry over something so little as that? Why?

There was a soft knock on his door that snapped him out of his breakdown.

“I brought you some food, honey.” Hope whispered, softly stepping into the room. Remus glanced up and watched her place the plate on his nightstand.

She then sat down on the bed. Remus felt her weight press down next to him before he felt a hand in his hair.

“Mummy.” Remus sniffled, shifting so he could place his head in her lap and cuddle close to her. “He quit.”

“I saw.” She kept stroking his hair. “I’m sorry, baby. I know how much you liked to watch him skate.”

Remus sighed before he burst into another wave of sobs, feeling even more stupid over his emotions when his mother saw him break like that.

She didn’t say anything about it though, just held him and let him cry. Remus never knew if skating would feel the same after, maybe that was why he was so upset.

Maybe.

* * *

February 12th (Present day)

Remus felt like someone had fully hit him over the head when he tried to open his eyes as he woke up in the morning. His throat felt raw and sore, his eyes stung, and his head was pulsating. It took him a second to even remember how much he had been crying yesterday and that his current situation was probably due to dehydration.

He groaned slightly as he shifted in the bed. He realised that he couldn’t move, someone was lying on top of him.

“Barty?” Remus mumbled, feeling how his heart picked up in pace. Maybe he had come back when he was sleeping. Maybe he was there.

Remus looked down to find a head on his chest. Longer, curly black hair that was definitely not Barty’s. Somehow, Remus’s heart beat even faster when he remembered exactly what had happened last night.

His stomach twisted slightly, but not in a bad way. Maybe it was actually a flutter. It wasn’t Barty on top of him, it was someone else.

Sirius.

Sirius was lying on top of him.

Sirius wasn’t particularly heavy on top of him, but it still felt grounding. It was a weight and that was enough.

Remus could also feel every point of contact, and there was a lot. Their legs were tangled up together, Sirius’s arms curled around his waist, his fingers clutched loosely in his shirt, and Sirius’s breath hit Remus’s collarbone.

Remus swallowed which hurt a little from how raw his throat felt.

What the fuck had he done?

Why did he ask Sirius to stay? He wasn’t even sure why he had been so set on having Sirius there. He had been an emotional wreck, if he was being honest, he would probably have asked anyone to stay. He just didn’t want to be alone. He needed someone because he felt like he was slowly dying with every second that passed.

And Sirius had stayed. He had no reason to, but he did anyway.

Why did he stay? It was one thing that Remus asked, but why did he stay? Why did he sit there, outside the door, and just wait? Why had he done that? And why had he been there in the first place? Remus couldn’t say he was very in tune with the time yesterday, but he was sure it had been late.

Why did he stay? Was it out of pity? Sirius probably did pity him. He definitely thought he was some broken man who couldn’t handle losing. He would probably wake up and move on with his life and forget all about that one event.

Remus wished he could do the same. He already knew waking up with Sirius on top of him was going to live in his memories forever. He might as well have a whole section in his brain for him and everything about him.

He squeezed his eyes shut as he thought about what he should do. He should probably start by waking Sirius up and apologising for asking him to stay there. Then, he should call Barty again. Just one more time. They were going home later that day. Remus didn’t know if he could leave without knowing Barty was with him.

That was a plan, a good plan even. A much better plan than Remus expected to come up with in the state he was in.

He just needed to move and wake Sirius up.

Remus opened his eyes to look down at Sirius again. He slowly reached out as if he would shake him lightly, but his hand fell short and he ended up placing it in Sirius’s hair.

And fuck was his hair soft.

Barty said Remus’s hair was soft, but Sirius’s hair was so silky and Remus could feel that Sirius took good care of it. His hair was shiny, it always had been. Remus carefully ran his fingers through his hair before he paused abruptly.

He was a creep. He was a weird fanboy who was touching his idol’s hair because he could.

Remus retracted his hand because he felt a bit disgusted by himself. There was something wrong with him, he wanted Sirius to be closer while he was on top of him.

He took a shaky breath as he decided that he should really wake Sirius up that time, but as he set his mind on it, he heard his ringtone go off.

Remus flew up, earning a gasp and a groan from Sirius who didn’t get a gentle waking in the slightest. Remus dove for his phone, the moment forgotten as he answered without even reading the display.

“Hello?” Remus answered, holding his breath, waiting for Barty’s voice to respond.

“Hiya, I’m calling from the Cardiff memory care facility. I’m looking for a Remus Lupin.” A woman spoke on the other end. His heart stopped. It wasn’t Barty, it was so much worse.

“Yes, this is him.” Remus croaked, trying to form words. “Is Mum okay?”

“I can’t give you details over the phone, I’m sorry, but Hope has been asking for you.” The woman said. “Is there a possibility for you to come in today?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there later.” Remus felt frantic. Hope was asking for him. Why would she be asking for him? Was something wrong? Fuck. “Thank you.”

He hung up the phone, turning his gaze down as he stared at his phone. He didn’t have any missed calls from Barty.

“Is everything okay?” Sirius asked. Remus had forgotten he was there. He turned his head to look at Sirius. His hair didn’t fall over his shoulders like it usually did, he had a bedhead to him where it stood in different directions. He still looked just as beautiful though.

“Sure.” Remus sighed. “You should probably go.”

Sirius blinked as he stared at him, grey eyes a bit wider as he stared.

“Just like that?” Sirius asked. “You just want me to go?”

“I need to leave anyway.” Remus stood up, feeling a bit dizzy as he tried to gather up his things and pack them.

“But we slept together.” Remus froze from Sirius’s words.

“You can’t phrase it like that.” He muttered, his entire face heating up as he looked up at Sirius. “Makes it sound like we had sex.”

If Remus’s face felt hot, then it was nothing to how Sirius’s face probably felt. His fair skin flared a deep red within seconds.

“I-I didn’t mean that!” Sirius panicked, burying his face in his hands. Okay, so he was adorable. He groaned before he peeked through his fingers, face still burning. “I just meant–” Sirius began, but cut himself off by shaking his head. “We just–gosh, Lupin, you know what I meant.”

Remus smirked slightly, a soft chuckle leaving his lips. He pulled out a jumper from his bag and pulled it over his t-shirt before he zipped up his bag. He did a final sweep of the room with Sirius not moving from the spot and watching him.

When Remus was sure he had both his and Barty’s things - because Barty had left his things - he turned to Sirius again. He raised an eyebrow to which Sirius rolled his eyes and stood up.

“Are you sure you’re okay though?” Sirius asked, as he followed Remus towards the door. “You weren’t exactly okay last night.”

“Well, I feel much better right now.” Remus pushed open the door. Sirius followed him out into the hall while Remus locked it. He just had to check out and then he could leave.

One problem at a time, and Barty clearly wasn’t ready to talk to him, so he would deal with that later. His mother would be his first stop.

Sirius didn’t look like he bought it, but he dragged a hand through his hair and nodded like he did.

“Here, give me your phone.” Remus sighed, holding his hand out. Sirius’s expression changed, his eyebrows furrowing as he handed his phone to Remus. “I’ll give you my number and you can pester me with questions if I’m okay to which I can respond ‘yes’ until you lose interest.”

Remus heard Sirius make a choking noise, whatever that meant, he didn’t know. He didn’t know Sirius enough to read his every little mannerism. He was quite brazen with his facial expressions, but everything in between, the tone in his voice, the sounds he made, the small glances that came between the loud grins, he couldn’t read it.

“Okay.” Sirius nodded slowly as Remus typed in the numbers. He handed the phone back, expecting Sirius to either never send a text or send him one message and then lose interest. “You didn’t pick a name.”

“I don’t know what you wanna call me.” Remus shrugged. Sirius shrugged back before he typed something. Remus didn’t know what. He probably cared more than he should, but he didn’t dare to ask. It was probably just ‘Lupin’ anyway.

He felt his pocket vibrate a second later. A new number had sent him a hair flip emoji. He smiled slightly.

“There, now you have me too.” Sirius flashed him a beautiful smile that made his grey eyes squint from how his face lit up. If Remus was a block of ice, Sirius was the summer sun because he was melting right there.

“Thanks.” He swallowed. “I should get going now.”

“Right.” Sirius took a step back. “I need to get back too. Before they realise I’m gone, James will tease me endlessly.”

“Good luck with that.” Remus took a step back too. “Uhm…bye.”

“Bye.” Sirius waved at him, and Remus turned his back around.

How was he so fucking awkward? He felt his face burn in embarrassment as he checked out in the lobby. He couldn’t even say goodbye like a normal person.

There were some lingering journalists outside, but Remus avoided them with expertise as he made his way to the train station. He called Barty’s phone again, just in case. When he got no response, he sent a text to let him know he was headed back to Wales and that he would be home in the evening because he was visiting Hope.

It was all he could do.

He sighed, leaning his head back against a pillar on the station. Where was he?

Remus hoped he had gone home, it would feel better to know he had made it home safely. Knowing Barty though, there was nothing safe about his reaction and his disappearance. Remus was worried, of course, he was worried. He would be an idiot if he wasn’t worried.

He sighed as the train pulled into the station. He got on and sat down by the window.

Where was he?

Where would he go?

He must have gone home. Maybe Remus shouldn’t have said he was going home tonight, maybe he would have caught Barty if he hadn’t said he was going there. If Barty wanted to see him, he would have seen him.

Remus sighed as he closed his eyes. He was exhausted. Both physically and mentally. His whole world fell apart in the span of a few hours, and even if it hit him yesterday, it still hadn’t sunk in fully.

Maybe he just kept going because Barty wasn’t there. He couldn’t stop functioning until he knew Barty was safe.

Everything in his life really revolved around Barty, huh?

But Remus said he would focus on one problem at a time and he prioritised the fact that his mother had been asking for him over the search for his best friend that had disappeared off the face of the earth. He was somewhere, Remus knew that, just not where.

“Please don’t do anything stupid.” He whispered. He wasn’t sure to whom he was whispering. Maybe he was praying, or maybe he hoped Barty could somehow hear him.

His thoughts then wandered back to last night, to that morning, to Sirius.

He got his phone out, looking at the message Sirius had sent him before. The hair flip emoji. He wondered if Sirius used that one a lot. He seemed like he would, and Remus made that assumption from the sass he had in interviews and the length of his hair. Did he send his most used emoji or did he think about it?

Remus groaned at himself. Why was he overthinking the use of an emoji? Sirius just sent one, so Remus would have his number too, there was nothing more to it.

He added his number as a contact, giving him the very boring name of Sirius Black because he wasn’t creative enough - or brave enough, for that matter.

He shut off his phone, looking out the window again. He hoped his mother was okay. There was too much happening at once. How did people deal with their lives? Remus had fully shut down for months until he met Barty last time something bad happened. He felt like he was shutting down again. He felt like he was following the same path.

He closed his eyes, hoping to catch a bit of sleep instead. He was tired.

So fucking tired.

Remus must have fallen asleep at some point, because when he opened his eyes, his body felt heavy and he was almost home. He sighed as he stretched, watching the train pull into the station before his stop.

He should probably eat something when he got off the train. He wasn’t hungry, not in the slightest. He just felt sick.

He fiddled with his hands while he waited. He traced the sharp scars on his hands. He swore they had faded a bit. They just looked like he had been digging in a pair of rose bushes and gotten unfortunate at that point. Not like he had needed stitches on multiple parts of his body.

Maybe his hands just weren’t the worst scars.

He sighed heavily when the train finally arrived home. He had been on that train for far too long, even if he managed to sleep through most of it.

He stood, stretching again, before he headed for the doors. He took a deep breath once he was outside. He decided to go back home and drop off the bags. He didn’t want to carry them with him.

And maybe, just maybe, he would catch Barty hiding away at the house.

He hoped he would. He wanted nothing more.

Remus walked the way. His heart beat faster with every step he took. He tried to unlock the door as quietly as possible when he reached the house. The lights were off, it looked just as empty as when they left.

Remus’s eyes fell on the floor of the hall when he stepped inside. Barty’s shoes weren’t there. Remus took a few steps inside. He dropped the bags as he looked around the house. The kitchen was empty, the bathroom was empty, the living room was empty. He walked down to his room, he opened the door, it was empty.

He sighed.

There was one more room, but if Barty was hiding in there he was a dickhead and he could stay hidden.

Remus kicked the doorframe in frustration because why couldn’t the fucker just be there? Where was he?

Remus reached for the door to close it again because if Barty came to the house, he would probably not leave everything exactly like it was. Remus’s eyes fell on the bed as he closed the door.

He paused mid-movement. He was sure he made the bed before they left.

He let go of the doorknob and stepped into the room. He looked at the duvet, thrown to the side. Barty wouldn’t leave everything the same.

Either Remus was going crazy, searching for anything that could prove Barty was there. Or he had made the bed before they left, and Barty had slept there. Remus’s eyes fell on the wardrobe next. He opened it as if he could memorise what clothes Barty had in there before they left. He couldn’t, but he knew his own clothes.

He looked at his jumpers and one was missing.

And either he was going crazy, or Barty had taken it.

Barty had been there, he had to have been there.

Remus felt tears in his eyes because at least Barty had been there for the night and not out on the street. He just prayed he would come back.

At least he could breathe again. Remus felt like some part of him relaxed when everything else was falling apart. He felt an ounce of relief, a glimpse of light, a little something to just hold on a little longer.

Barty had been there, so he had at least made it home. Where had he gone after that though? But Barty was okay, he had to be somewhat okay to go home and take Remus’s jumper. He didn’t hate him or he wouldn’t have gone there, right?

Remus closed the wardrobe, he made the bed, he did everything so he could catch if anything changed by the time he came home.

He needed to focus. First, his mother. Then, Barty. That was his plan, he was sticking to it.

Remus closed the door to his bedroom before he left the house. He locked the door and headed towards his mother.

He did his usual routine, he bought a bouquet of flowers on the way. It felt very mundane for everything that happened in his life.

“Hey, I’m here to see Hope Lupin.” Remus said as he went up to the front desk.

“Right, I’ll have a nurse here to help you.” The receptionist nodded. Remus felt the lump grow a little. Why did he need a nurse with him? He never needed that anymore. They all practically knew who he was at that point and that he knew all the rules. All the dos and don’ts, so what was wrong?

The receptionist called for a nurse, and Remus weighed on his feet as he waited.

“Hi, Remus, glad you could come in today.” The nurse smiled at him, beckoning for him to follow. “Hope has been wanting to see you ever since yesterday.”

“Yeah, I heard over the phone.” Remus mumbled as he was led up towards his mother’s room. “Is something wrong?”

“No, far from it.” The nurse stopped, looking at him with kind eyes. “Hope remembers you.”

His mind went blank.

What?

He couldn’t take in those words. They sounded foreign to him. It was like he had never learnt their definition when put together.

She remembered him?

How?

What?

That wasn’t possible, right? What had changed in the two days he was gone? He visited her over and over again, but nothing. Then he leaves and suddenly…

It wasn’t real. He must have passed out again. He reached down to pinch his arm. Nails dug into his skin and it hurt.

It really bloody hurt.

He blinked as tears filled his eyes.

He reached for the wall behind him to get some support because his body was shaking and he felt like he would fall if he didn’t hold onto something.

The nurse moved to place an arm on his shoulder, holding him somewhat too. He was glad, it grounded him a little through the ringing in his ear. His heart hammered so hard that he could hear his heartbeat mixed in with the ringing.

He tried to take a few deep breaths to calm down so he could understand what he was sure the nurse would explain to him about his mother’s condition.

“Okay.” He whispered when he felt like he could take in the information. “Go on.”

“She is pretty disoriented, she doesn’t remember much. She does remember you from right before the accident and when you were born, the in between hasn’t come back yet. She has no memory of Lyall, she just knows she married someone. She also remembers all the times you’ve visited and all the new memories she’s made.”

“Does she remember the accident?” Remus swallowed.

“No. It's not uncommon for people with memory loss to retain memories from before a traumatic event, but the event itself can be hazy or forgotten. It might come back slowly, and it might be spotty.”

“How much more will she remember?”

“It’s hard to say, Remus. Some memories can take months, even years. Some never come back at all.” The nurse explained. Remus had read about that. He had read every book he could find on memory loss in the first few months. He had gathered every detail, everything. He needed to know. “When you see her, try to follow her lead. With time, we’ll challenge her more, show her photos and talk about the past, but for now, it’s best not to overwhelm her.”

Remus nodded, grasping the words like a lifeline. They were the most important part of the entire interaction he was about to have.

“Okay.” Remus nodded slowly. “Okay.”

The nurse then took him to the room. Remus stopped right outside the door. He couldn’t really grasp what he was about to be faced with. He wanted to be prepared. He wanted to say that in the year that had passed, he had planned for what would happen and what he would say, but he hadn’t.

Maybe a part of him had given up. Maybe a part of him thought he would never stand there, his mother on the other side.

His mother.

He reached out a trembling hand and opened the door.

The room was the same as it always was, that hadn’t changed. She was painting, her back turned towards the door as she did bold strokes for a base. Remus already knew she was painting him. She could see it before the shapes of him were complete. That was how often she used to paint him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but his throat felt too dry to speak. A wheezing sound came from his throat that could have been a ‘hello’ or a cry for help, the difference was slim.

It didn’t matter though, Hope turned her head. She turned more than her head actually, her whole body turned. It was like she knew. Remus didn’t know how she could know that weird sound was him, but she reacted like she did.

She was up on her feet a second later. Remus barely had time to process before he was wrapped up in her arms.

He melted.

He dropped the flowers on the floor, his knees buckled to make himself smaller, and he buried himself in his mother’s arms.

She remembered.

No.

She didn’t.

He already pinched himself, but he had to be dreaming.

She couldn’t remember.

Remus couldn’t believe it fully. She just hugged him, that didn’t mean she remembered. She could just be happy to see him, the nurses still could have made a mistake.

“Oh, fy mach i.” She whispered as she held him. Okay, no, that was her. That was her name for him ever since he was a baby. ‘My little one’. It was ironic when Remus grew taller than his mother, but she never changed it. He was her little one, always.

“Mummy.” Remus choked. He hadn’t given that moment enough thought. He burst into sobs as he clung tighter to her.

She held him back with the same force. Remus imagined she was trying to memorise him all over again. Maybe she was. Remus was memorising her like she would disappear again. He felt the way she held him, it was so similar and different at the same time. She was thinner than Remus remembered.

Her fingers carded slowly through his curls in a way that no other hands could ever replicate. It was really her. Remus’s eyes fluttered shut as he cried against her shoulder. Her other hand rubbed slow circles on his back to soothe him.

He felt like he was five again, climbing up into his parents’ bed after a nightmare and cuddling up against his mother. She would hold him the same way then as she did now. Soft strokes of his hair, slow back rubs, small kisses on his forehead and whispers that were all made to comfort him.

He could barely tell the difference between those memories and that moment. He felt like he hadn’t aged a moment from when he was a child who would seek his mother’s comfort. Maybe he would never stop seeking that comfort.

He understood right then that he hadn’t quite realised just how much he missed his mother. Of course, he had missed her, but it was a small longing since he still got to see her. When she remembered him though, Remus felt the open wound that should have killed him long ago. He felt how raw it was, how much it stung, how intensely it bled.

But it all was patched up like magic when Hope started singing a soft lullaby in Welsh. It worked like healing magic, stitching the wound and leaving only another scar on Remus’s chest.

He listened to the lullaby, taking in the words he didn’t know he needed to hear. He knew the song by heart, he had been sung it so many times growing up, but it still felt new to him. Everything felt so familiar and new at the same time.

Maybe that was what happened when you hadn’t been with a person you loved for over a year. Everything was the same, but everything also changed.

“Let me look at you.” Hope whispered after what felt like an eternity. Remus wanted to protest. He wanted to stay in her arms and never let go, but he was like a long noodle and had no strength to move in any way when she cupped his face. “Oh, my boy.”

Remus felt her thumbs drag over his cheeks. He met her light brown eyes and they were filled with as many tears as Remus’s were. He sniffled slightly, feeling how more tears fell.

“I must look a state.” Remus chuckled weakly, an attempt at some type of joke that felt like it would fit there normally. Did it fit there? Remus used to be fully in tune with his mother - they were one person, Lyall would joke sometimes - but he wasn’t sure that was the case anymore. She was there, but everything felt so different.

“I think you’re beautiful.” She smiled gently. “Always so beautiful.”

Remus shook his head in some weak protest as he tried to get out of her hands so he could bury himself back in her arms.

Hope chuckled softly, a sound Remus had heard when he visited for the past year, but somehow felt more real when she remembered him.

“No, let me see you.” She mumbled and Remus watched her eyes as she stroked and touched the different parts of his face. She had seen him over the past year, the nurses said she remembered his visits, but she still looked at him like she was making a new memory of him. “This scar…it’s new, right?”

Remus felt her fingers brush over one of the only cuts he had on his face. He was lucky he didn’t get too many scars on his face - if he could be lucky over anything in that situation.

“Yeah, it is.” He nodded, tilting his head into his mother’s palm. “Do you hate it?”

“Of course not, silly.” She shook her head before she leaned forward, pressing a featherlight kiss to his cheek. “I could never hate anything about you.”

Remus didn’t know what to say to that. He felt at such a loss because he had his mother back, she was right there, but it didn’t feel real. It felt like nothing was supposed to go his way since everything always fell apart, so why did she remember him?

Maybe he had finally suffered enough.

Maybe.

Remus shut his eyes because he couldn’t stop crying and the sight of his mother wasn’t helping him. He felt himself being led through the room and sat down on the bed. He opened his eyes to find Hope next to him.

She reached out and grabbed his hand. Remus sighed before he curled up on the bed, laying his head in her lap like he had done so many times before. Late nights when he was tired watching a movie, to stressful days when everything was a little too much and he needed a moment.

“I wish I could remember all of you, mach i.” She whispered, something sad in her voice. Remus didn’t want her to be sad. He tensed at the thought.

“It’s okay, mum.” Remus responded. Mum. He could just call her mum. It was a small thing, but he hadn’t been able to do that for over a year. The word used to be so common to him, it felt foreign on his tongue. He would go home and repeat it over and over so he could call her mum like he was supposed to. “You remember me, that’s all I need.”

“You came here even if I didn’t know you.” Hope kept a whisper in her voice. She spoke softly, quietly. “Always brought such lovely flowers.”

“Yeah.” Remus’s eyes fell on the bouquet on the floor. The flowers looked okay even if a few petals had broken off from the rough handling. “I wanted to give you something.”

“I watched you skate, Remus.”

“You did?” Remus tilted his head a little so he could meet her eyes. She looked down at him like he was the most precious thing on the earth.

“I did. You were amazing.” Hope carefully caressed his cheek. “I cheered for you. Everyone in the main room cheered for you even.”

Remus smiled at the thought, he could picture it. His mother with all the people by the tv, cheering him on even if she had never been too interested in figure skating before the accident. She had picked up a lot because Lyall loved it and he taught Remus everything.

“And then, you fell.” Her smile faltered. “And it was like something inside me broke. It wasn’t just fear you got hurt as an outsider, it was deep in my heart. And when you got up okay, I sighed in relief. ‘My son is okay,’ I said and…”

Hope paused for a moment, shaking her head slowly. Remus didn’t push her, he didn’t say anything. He was scared to do so, in fact, he didn’t want to upset her or ruin anything.

“I just remembered that you are my baby.” Tears fell down Hope’s face. “I remembered holding you as a baby. I knew it was you. My son.”

He had waited over a year to hear that, he would wait a lifetime if he had to just to hear it.

But he didn’t have to wait a lifetime, he was there.

“Mummy, I missed you so much.” Remus sniffled because his tears didn’t stop falling and his nose was getting runny from it.

“I missed you too, even if I didn’t know it.” Hope leaned down, wrapping him up in her arms again. “I love you so much. I will never leave you again.”

Life would continue once he left there for the night, but for right then, that was all he needed.

He just needed his mother and her safe arms that he buried himself in like she would disappear if he didn’t.

But she didn’t disappear because she was there. She was there and she remembered.

And she would never leave him again.

Chapter Text

A few months ago (November 26th)

Evan was a bit bored if he was being honest. He sat by the side of the rink, watching the skaters do their routines before him. He wasn’t bored over the competition, he really wanted to compete in that one because Remus Lupin was competing and he wanted to kick his arse so badly it hurt.

No, he was bored because he felt like his life lacked meaning. He talked to Regulus every day in school, but when it wasn’t school, he was always so busy. He skated to keep his sanity. And to get paid. He really needed the money.

Soon, he could move out of the hellhole that was his childhood home and life might get a bit better. Maybe he could invite Regulus over to his new place.

Yesterday was one of the better days in Evan’s life in a long while. Figure skating with Regulus, Regulus who quit. Regulus who didn’t want to skate anymore. That same Regulus.

They had even pair skated like they used to before life went to shit. Maybe that was when it started, maybe it started before then.

Evan sighed as he rolled his shoulders a little.

Regulus wanted to skate again though, Evan wanted to support that. Maybe he could get more ice time with Regulus once he was back skating. Maybe he could see him more often.

Maybe Evan was lonely.

Maybe Evan needed another friend. Regulus was his only friend. For someone most people liked to talk to, he was awfully bad at making actual friends.

Evan’s attention shifted as he heard Remus’s name among others being called to warm up on the ice. He wanted to get a good scope on Remus. He had already done a lot of research on ‘the Welsh Mystery’ or whatever the fuck it was they called him.

Remus Lupin, a never before heard of figure skater, was suddenly voted favourite to win the finals. Evan made fourth on most lists. Sometimes he tasted third when he had a good competition, but he was often not quite consistent enough to maintain third place prediction. He would be consistent if he weren’t in constant pain.

He scoffed before he turned his head to look at his other dilemma that day. Remus’s…whatever the fuck he was. Evan really wasn’t sure what business the pretty boy, with what Evan thought was the most self-cut mullet he had seen, had at the arena and even less with Remus, but he was there.

And he kept staring at Evan.

He had been ever since Evan arrived, and it made him a bit uncomfortable if he was being honest.

Why was he staring? Evan didn’t know and he didn’t like it.

Looking once, that would make sense, maybe twice if he wanted to check something specific, but more than that was really not necessary.

As if on cue, the boy turned his head again. Evan met his eyes that time and the boy looked away in panic.

Okay, so he was staring at him then. It wasn’t a coincidence or Evan being paranoid because who the fuck looked away in such panic if they didn’t just get caught staring?

Evan rolled his eyes as he stood. He didn’t need a weirdo staring at him as part of his already shitty day and life.

The boy glanced when he walked over and looked up at him with big eyes when he stood over him.

“Could you stop staring at me?” Evan asked, staring back into those deep brown eyes. They were a dark colour, a nice colour if Evan was being honest, not that it mattered. His face was also pretty, not that he would admit that.

“What?” Evan wasn’t sure if he was playing confused or was actually confused. He was usually pretty good at reading people, but he couldn’t quite get the right read on the boy in front of him.

“I saw you staring at me, I don’t need to be–”

“Eyefucked?” The boy sneered and Evan’s soul left his body. He wasn’t sure what he expected from a boy with eyeliner and piercings, but not that. He blinked in shock, his mouth hanging slightly open as he searched for something to say back.

Pretty face aside, that was not a normal response. That boy was not normal.

“Excuse you?”

“Oh, come on, I bet you get a lot of stares that mentally undress you.” Ew. Ew. Ew. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? He had never felt so violated by words in his life, yet, there was this boy who just…did it with ease.

“Just…stop staring.” Evan shuddered before he turned to walk away. He tried to push away all those emotions he got from that brief encounter.

Great, now he was in pain and felt awful. It really wasn’t his day. Guess he would be stuck in fourth place on the predictions for a bit longer.

But he wouldn’t lose that competition just because the predictions weren’t in his favour or because his body wasn’t in the best state.

He sighed as he reached for an ice pack in his bag and put it over his hip. It was his fault for what happened anyway. If he had been home in time to make dinner, he wouldn’t have been hit.

He just lost track of time while he was having fun with his friends on the ice.

Most parents would understand that, they would maybe even excuse it and let him off the hook. His father was not like most parents.

If he didn’t get what he wanted, Evan was the inconvenience, and he paid for that.

He rubbed his side gently. It would feel better before it was his turn, he was sure. And if it didn’t, he would push through it like he always did.

He could always just push through the pain.

And he would beat Remus because he wasn’t that good. Then, he could gloat in the win, get a higher prediction and get some more sponsor money.

It was all he wanted at the end of the day.

Money so he could avoid being in constant pain.

* * *

February 12th (Present day)

Evan was woken up by the door closing. His eyes opened slowly to find Sirius in the opening, taking off his shoes.

“Sirius?” Evan groaned which made Sirius look guilty instead. “What are you doing?”

“Huh?” Sirius walked over to the other side of the bed. He lay down, disappearing behind the pillow wall that remained surprisingly intact.

“Where were you?” Evan furrowed his eyebrows. He sat up, feeling a bit tired as he caught Sirius’s flushed face before he rolled over on his side, facing away from Evan. He would have felt worried if it weren’t for the fact that Sirius acted flustered and guilty rather than stressed, so Evan guessed there was nothing wrong with Regulus. “No way.”

Evan thought back to the moment at the start of the finals. The moment when Sirius had pointed out a very specific figure skater in the crowd as ‘the bloke he fancied’ - Evan’s words, but the meaning was the same.

Suddenly, Evan felt very awake as he watched Sirius try to shrink under the duvet.

“Is this about a tall brunette perhaps?” Evan smirked, rolling onto his stomach and placing his arms on the pillow wall. He propped his head up and all he needed to do was kick his feet and he would feel like an actual teenage girl interrogating their best friend about their crush.

“No.” Sirius mumbled where he stayed hidden. “I don’t even know what a brunette is.”

“Right.” Evan chuckled slightly. “Because I’m assuming you weren’t up running around with James or Regulus. That doesn’t leave a whole lot of possibilities.”

“It could be anyone.” Sirius pulled the duvet down and glared at him. “Hell do you know what I get up to. Maybe I was flirting with your mum.”

“Ha ha.” Evan rolled his eyes, sarcastic laughter leaving his lips. “If you were, I hope you told her to call me, it’s been a while.”

“Sorry, I shagged her and threw away her number. Next time though.” Sirius smirked. Evan reached out and slapped his arm. Sirius slapped him back. “Chill out, number one.”

“Number one?” Evan got a slight distaste in his mouth. He had won, but it wasn’t what he had expected it to be. He thought even if Barty and Remus hadn’t reacted like they did, he still wouldn’t feel great.

Winning was weird, that was what Evan learnt. He had won things before, but not the junior finals. He set a new record for junior figure skating. He was the current best junior figure skater not only in the UK, but the world.

And that hadn’t hit him yet, he didn’t think it ever would. Sirius asked if it had hit him yesterday and he had that same thought process, that same shock, but it hadn’t hit him yet.

“Yes, that’s you now. I think it has a ring to it.” Sirius sat up straight.

“It’s longer than my name.” Evan pointed out. “It’d be the same as if you said Evan Rosier every time you went to address me, it has the same number of syllables.”

“I didn’t need a whole English lesson.” Sirius fake yawned, covering his mouth with his hand to draw out the expression. “Just let me call you what I wanna.”

“I’m gonna start calling you ‘knob’.” Evan muttered as he turned to look at his phone. His alarm was set to ring in five minutes, so he got out of bed. “And you can’t do anything because I should be able to call you what I wanna.”

“‘Knob’ and ‘number one’ are two very different words with very different meanings.” Sirius shook his head as he got up from bed as well. “Mine’s nice.”

“Mine’s too if you think about it.” They started packing their things again so they could leave.

“Uh huh, you’re gonna need to explain that one.”

“Well…” Evan paused for a moment as he tried to think of a way to bullshit Sirius into believing knob was not an insult. “Knobs are useful. Open doors and all that.”

“So you think I’m useful?” Sirius raised an eyebrow and Evan nodded. “We both know you don’t mean door knobs, you knob.”

“What else would I mean?” Evan smirked. “Please, explain in great detail what a knob is if not a door handle.”

“Okay.” Sirius took the challenge, and maybe Evan should have seen that coming. He might not be very close to Sirius, but he did know enough to know he would take the opportunity to be crude. “You see, knob is a slang word for penis. The male reproductive organ, used for sex, pissing, and occasionally making terrible decisions. Now, some say that size matters, but really, it’s about how–”

“Please stop talking.” Evan stopped him before he snorted as he couldn’t hold back his laughter. Sirius broke right after and they laughed together. “Fucking hell.”

“You wanted details.” Sirius giggled as they finished packing. “I wanted to provide.”

“Thank you, I don’t know what I would have done without them.” Evan shook his head. “Are we done? I’m willing to bet that Regulus is already awake and ready to go.”

“I won’t take that bet because I’d lose in a heartbeat.” Sirius snickered as they got their shoes and jackets before they left the room. “Ugh, I’m not looking forward to telling the hotel about that door.”

“Just go…Yes, by the way, the bathroom door broke.” Evan said as he leaned against the wall. “How? Oh, my friend here broke it down because his boyfriend, who is also my brother, had a panic attack behind the locked door.”

“Wow, it sounds so easy when you say it.” Sirius rolled his eyes, pulling a hand through his hair. “What if we don’t say anything?”

“I think it will be worse if we don’t. You could try to frame it as an accident if you tell them, but if we just dip, they’ll know it was you who had the room and they won’t take as kindly to it.”

“So wise, Rosier.” Sirius shook his head. Evan was about to throw a jab at him when James and Regulus came out of their room. They looked extra in love that morning. James kept staring after Regulus as he moved, following him like a shadow with his arms slightly out like he wanted nothing more than to just hold Regulus for the rest of time.

And Regulus…

He was smiling.

An actual smile, not one of those half-smiles Regulus would offer when he knew he should smile to be polite but didn’t want to.

It was a real Regulus smile, something rare, but something Evan had witnessed before.

Sirius looked between them like Evan was before he groaned and turned to walk down to the lobby without a second glance.

Evan snorted as he fell back into step with Regulus - and James, because he was looming right behind.

“Good night?” Evan smirked, and Regulus’s smile fell before he avoided Evan’s eyes. It made him think of that day a few months ago when Regulus had asked him for advice on how to approach sex with James. He clearly didn’t need his advice anymore, they both were glowing enough that it left no room for interpretation of what they had done last night.

Evan still found it comical to think about. Regulus asked him, his asexual friend, how to approach sex. He was glad he could help him though, even if he wasn’t sure what he really did.

“It was good.” Regulus mumbled. Evan was glad. All he wanted was for Regulus to feel good, even if it wasn’t he who could always make that happen. He really loved and envied James for how easy he made Regulus happy. “Yours?”

“Weird.” Evan shrugged. “I don’t think my brain has realised how big of a thing yesterday was. So much happened in so little time, I haven’t processed it yet.”

“It’s completely normal.” Sirius chimed in. Evan thought he had stopped listening, clearly, he hadn’t. “Like I said yesterday, it took weeks until it actually hit me properly. I read at least twenty articles about when I set the new record and still couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening.”

“Mother threw a whole party for him.” Regulus mumbled, his eyes a bit distant as he spoke.

“It was a drag.” Sirius looked back at them as they walked down the stairs towards the lobby. He rolled his eyes before he faced forward. “Though, it was the nicest dear bitch-face has ever been to me after a win, so I suppose I had that going for me.”

Evan caught a change in tone in Sirius’s voice right then. It was very monotone, lacking the usual playfulness Sirius carried. Regulus could get that too at the mention of Walburga. He just shut down a little, Sirius clearly did the same.

They walked down to the lobby, leaving Sirius to figure out the door situation. He murmured curses when he came back so Evan assumed the staff had not taken the news of the broken door kindly.

“They said they don’t have fragile doors that just fall off the hinges.” Sirius muttered as they headed out of the hotel. “I had to pay for the damn thing.”

“Sorry.” Regulus whispered. Sirius shook his head, glaring at Regulus.

“Not your fault, it’s whatever.” Sirius waved his hand dismissively as they found themselves outside.

There were journalists waiting and Evan offered them a little time. He smiled, he answered a question or two before he felt a grip on his arm. He turned to see a suddenly very grumpy Sirius, all playfulness gone that had been there before.

“You don’t need to chat up the press.” Sirius dragged him away, not looking at Evan as he did.

“Unlike you, I kinda really need the attention. It pays me.” Evan shook his head, slightly annoyed by the boy’s sudden change in mood. They had a good moment that morning. That whole finals had been good for Sirius and Evan who never really got along before even if it had been a disaster emotionally.

And then, they were right back to how it had been before.

“You won the finals, you’ll get rich now.” Sirius took out his phone to check everything he needed for their flight back. Evan glanced and watched him scroll. “Don’t stress too much. The journalists will get your number and call you every five minutes and you can smooth-talk them then.”

Evan scoffed, crossing his arms as they headed towards the bus stop. They waited for a moment before the bus arrived.

“We should throw a party!” James suddenly exclaimed when they were on the bus to the airport. “For Evan and his win.”

“Welcome back to reality, James, good to have ya, mate.” Evan snorted at how very delayed James was right then. His eyes still hadn’t left Regulus that entire time.

“Thanks.” James chuckled before he looked up and met Evan’s eyes. “Seriously though, we should have a party.”

“As the Sirius, I feel obligated to take anything seriously.” Sirius smirked, some of that spark coming back in his eyes as they neared the airport. “We so need a party.”

“Do we really need one?” Regulus looked between his boyfriend and his brother with a somewhat disgusted expression. “Are you even interested in a party?”

“Oh, don’t worry, love, I was thinking just snacks and a movie with the family.” James’s smile softened as he looked back at Regulus.

“And that’s not a party.” Evan snorted.

“I think it’s a party.” James shrugged.

“I’m sure Effie is delighted that her teenage son finds family evenings to be a party.” Evan said before the bus stopped at the airport.

The flight back was quiet. Evan sat next to Sirius who was curled up against the window and typing on his phone. He didn’t let Evan see what he was typing, so Evan leaned back in his seat and shut his eyes.

He could hear James’s happy chatter behind him. He was talking about the upcoming hockey finals in a month and how they were going to ruin Slytherin like they had last year. Regulus was humming along as he listened to his words, Evan wasn’t sure how much he took in of the conversation though.

Hockey finals in a month.

Evan already knew he would probably follow along. He had gone to a game before, and even if he didn’t exactly love the experience, it was nice to be around people who he cared about. Who cared about him.

He still wasn’t very used to that. He had always had Regulus - Regulus had always cared, even if he was bad at showing it at times - but other than that, he really didn’t have anyone.

A soft smile played on his lips as he thought of Fleamont and Euphemia and everything they had done for him. He was happy that he would be able to give everything back to them once he got his sponsor money. Even if Fleamont had told him it wasn’t necessary, he still wanted to.

When Evan got kicked out and decided he was never going back home, when he took the step and had had enough, he had nothing and the Potters hadn’t even hesitated. Evan remembered that first day, sitting on the floor of Regulus’s room and crying in Euphemia’s arms like she had been there for him his entire life and not a woman he had met on two prior occasions.

It always baffled Evan when he thought about it. His own parents didn’t care about him. His mother left, never to return, and his father only tolerated him when he had a reason to. But James’s parents, two people he barely knew and only met because Regulus lived with them, they just took him in. They gave him a home, they gave him money, they gave him new figure skates.

They would sit with him in the evenings when Regulus did his homework and Sirius and James were at hockey. Euphemia would take him with her to do the shopping for the week or any other errand she had to keep him occupied when he got home from school.

And Fleamont, Evan loved Fleamont.

He looked up to him like he was an actual hero rather than a normal man. Evan felt very childish to admit that, but it was also the truth. The late evenings before bed when he would sit next to Fleamont in the living room and talk about everything. He had never felt so safe as he did in Fleamont’s presence, so all his feelings just spilt out of him.

He made it easy, they both did. James was so lucky to have grown up with them. It was no wonder he turned out like he did with parents like those. He was raised on so much love that he would always have love to give out.

The plane landed and Evan felt a bit of warmth to know he was going home soon. Home. Funny how fast the Potter resident felt like a home.

“There are my boys!” Euphemia lit up when she spotted them as they stepped outside where she had said she would pick them up. She grabbed all four of them into a hug. Evan wasn’t sure how she managed to do that since she was shorter than all of them, but she did. “I’ve missed you all so much.”

“Missed you too, mum.” James chuckled. Sirius hummed with him before they were released from the embrace.

Evan, however, reached out again. Euphemia didn’t miss a beat. She got the keys out of her pocket, handed them to James and hugged Evan again.

“You did so well.” She whispered, her hands stroking his back. “I’m very proud of you.”

“Thank you.” Evan murmured, feeling as if he was on the verge of tears. One more moment in that embrace and he would have cried, but he wasn’t ready for that yet. He wanted to get home before he went down into an emotional wreck.

They headed to the car instead. Sirius was already sitting in the front seat, spinning the wheel on the stereo to find a good song. Evan jumped in the back next to James who had taken the middle seat.

Euphemia peeked her head in through the other side where Regulus was fastening his seatbelt before he could close the door. She gave him his own hug as well, whispering something to him, Evan was sure.

Regulus looked down at the floor afterwards, a soft smile on his lips. Euphemia closed the door and got into the driver’s seat.

“Everyone ready?” She asked, making sure everyone was fastened and ready for the car ride home. It wasn’t too long, enough time for Sirius to play a few songs and sing to them before it got annoying.

Regulus and James held hands, Regulus’s head resting on James’s shoulder. Evan looked at the scene, he felt the scene. He relaxed because it all felt so normal after what they had been through. Their lives were still just that. Comfort in each other.

They arrived back at the house. They unpacked the car and headed inside together.

It was just as perfect once they were inside the house. Evan could smell the baking from the kitchen.

Sirius grinned as he dashed towards the kitchen to find out what it was.

“Sirius, don’t touch!” Euphemia exclaimed before she followed him into the kitchen. Evan snorted while Regulus rolled his eyes. It was such a Sirius thing, he had been banned from the kitchen during Christmas after all.

Evan, James and Regulus all headed up the stairs. James went into his room while Evan followed Regulus into his. It was as much Evan’s room as it was Regulus’s really. Regulus had his things there, but he slept in James’s room. Evan had his things in there, and he also slept there, so maybe it was more Evan’s room at that point.

“How do you feel?” Evan asked as he sat down on the bed. He had thrown off his bag while Regulus busied himself with unpacking his own.

“Calm.” Regulus spoke, the word falling from his lips with an exhale. Evan watched him as he put away his things. He was always methodical, taking it one thing at a time. All his dirty clothes went in the hamper, his skates on the shelf in his wardrobe, and his book back on the shelf. “Satisfied.”

“So you got what you wanted?” Evan jumped up a bit on the bed so he could kick with his legs without them hitting the floor.

“I did.” Regulus turned and looked at him. “I feel like I got the closure I wanted.”

“You did well.” Evan smiled softly as he nodded back at him. He couldn’t express how happy he was that Regulus had managed to get what he wanted and needed, even if he had given them all a scare and shut down. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you.” Regulus nodded back at him. Regulus never used to thank him for anything, it always felt a bit foreign to hear gratitude from Regulus.

But Evan would probably get used to it since Regulus had been saying it more often. He heard it more often.

“Wanna go down and see what Effie has made?” Evan smirked as he stood. Regulus chuckled faintly. He turned to his bag that wasn’t fully unpacked, frowned slightly, but still, he followed Evan out of the room.

* * *

Evening came rather fast, Evan was awfully tired though, so maybe that made sense. Sirius and James were watching a replay of the game they missed while away for the figure skating finals. Regulus was curled up with a book beside James. James and Sirius jumped and cheered, being hushed every once in a while by Euphemia who was preparing dinner in the kitchen. Evan had asked if she wanted help, she told him to rest.

So he sat in the armchair, leaned back as he just existed in the moment. He felt calm right then, like nothing had happened in the past few days and that everything was just like it always was.

Or not like it always was. How it had been the past few months.

They felt like an eternity. Not that Evan had forgotten what it was like before. He hadn’t forgotten the fear, the tiptoeing around, the following every rule to avoid the worst that would come when the sun went down and the drinks started pouring.

Evan swallowed hard, his mood changing like the flick of a switch. The fire was burning slowly underneath him, threatening to consume him the second he lost the calm and safety he felt in the Potter house.

He stood from his chair, Regulus looked up when he did. His grey eyes were sharp, they recently always were that way when they followed Evan. Regulus was scared he would fall apart, Evan was sure.

“Bathroom.” He excused himself and Regulus nodded before he turned back to his book.

Evan didn’t head to the bathroom, he headed into the kitchen. He didn’t say anything, he just sat down on the floor. Euphemia acknowledged him as he entered, she gave him a soft smile before she turned back to the food she was making.

It wasn’t uncommon anymore. Evan would linger like a cat around Euphemia and Fleamont when things got a lot. Sometimes he needed to talk, other times - like then - he just needed to remember where he was and that he was allowed to be there.

‘Healing doesn’t come easy, it takes time’ Euphemia would often tell him. Evan felt better and then he felt worse. He felt like he would be fine on his own, he wanted to move out and take care of himself, but somewhere deep down, he knew he wasn’t ready. He kept trying to convince himself he was, but he wasn’t. He was just sixteen, barely an age for anything really.

The door opened in the hall, signalling that Fleamont was back from work. He heard his bustling laugh from the living room as he greeted Sirius, James and Regulus. He came into the kitchen a few minutes later.

“There he is.” Fleamont smiled down at Evan who was still seated on the floor. “I have some watering I need to do, wanna join me before dinner?”

“Yeah, alright.” Evan pushed himself up off the floor and followed Fleamont out through the back door and out into the yard. They walked over the grass before they reached the greenhouse that was Monty’s pride and joy. Evan thought so at least with how much he talked about it and tended to it.

Once inside, Fleamont handed Evan one of the watering cans and gestured for him to one of the rows like he didn’t always water that side. Evan had helped out before, quite a few times.

“You know, I never enjoyed figure skating before.” Fleamont began. Their backs were turned against each other as they worked. “You make it an enjoyable watch.”

“Thanks.” Evan smiled a little.

“Really, Evan, you’re wonderful. You deserved that win, I hope you know that.”

That was when it really broke for him. He had been holding it together, he had been focusing on everything else, but deep down, he knew why that win didn’t feel right.

He didn’t feel like he deserved it.

He had worked hard for it, he had pushed and pushed, practised and practised, but he still didn’t feel like he deserved it.

And the reaction Remus and Barty had to him winning made him feel guilty as well. It felt as if he had done something wrong because he didn’t deserve the win. He won on a fluke. He won because he could land a quadruple axel that he had never even seriously attempted before. It was luck and chance, and he didn’t deserve it.

He dropped the watering can with his tears that fell. He watched it spill out over the floor, but he stood paralysed to pick it back up.

Fleamont did. He moved and he picked it up without a word, setting it aside like it was nothing. Then, he opened his arms. Evan fell into them without hesitation.

“I’m proud of you.” Fleamont whispered. “You’re so talented, Evan, you deserved a win.”

“It feels wrong.” Evan shook his head, sobs leaving him as he tried to claw himself closer. “I shouldn’t have won.”

“Why?” Fleamont didn’t step back as Evan pressed closer, he may even have held him tighter. “Why, out of all the skaters, did you not deserve to win?”

“It was a fluke, I added the quad axel knowing I couldn’t land it. I wasn’t supposed to land it.” Fleamont didn’t respond immediately, he let Evan talk. He let him get it all out before he spoke, he always did that. “After it all, it felt surreal, like it wasn’t me. I don’t know anymore, everything is so fucking weird. I don’t deserve any of this, I don’t understand what I did because I didn’t do anything. I don’t deserve to be here, I didn’t deserve to win, I don’t understand.”

Evan fell quiet, everything went quiet except for the faint buzzing of the heating in the greenhouse. Fleamont shifted, his chin resting on Evan’s head so he was fully pressed into Fleamont’s chest.

“You don’t have to understand.” Fleamont offered, breaking the silence. “You don’t have to make sense of everything you're feeling the second you’re feeling it. It’s okay to hold onto it, but it’s also good to talk it through. The same, you don’t have to make sense of every good thing that comes to you.”

Evan clutched his fingers in Fleamont’s shirt. He held on as if one wrong move would cause him to disappear. Evan couldn’t have him disappear, so he held on.

“You’ve lived so long thinking love and kindness are something you have to earn, Evan.” Fleamont continued. “But, sometimes, love and kindness find you for no reason. There are people who will love you and show you kindness just because you’re you. You don’t always need to do something or prove something.”

Evan didn’t respond, he shook his head.

“You’re allowed to be scared. You’re allowed to feel like this doesn’t fit yet. But you do deserve to be here. You deserve everything you’ve earned, everything you’ve worked for, and everything we’ve given you. And you’re not alone in anything anymore.”

Evan didn’t know what to say, so he just cried. And Fleamont didn’t tell him to stop, he just let him. He held him, he patted his back, he stayed there.

Evan thought of what Fleamont had said. That love didn’t need to be earned.

It was a foreign concept, Evan could admit that. He knew himself enough to be able to admit that. Before his mother left, all he had done was try to be good so she would love him. When she left him, all he did was try to be good so he wouldn’t be hit.

It was all he knew, how to please and be good to earn love.

And maybe Fleamont was right. Maybe he didn’t need to earn love, he could just be loved. There were people willing to love him just because he existed.

It was a foreign concept, but Evan wanted it to be true.

The tears eventually slowed, and all that was left were his sniffles and hitched breathing. Fleamont leaned back slightly to look at Evan with those kind brown eyes. He smiled gently at him.

“Come on.” He spoke softly, patting Evan’s back once more before he let go. “Dinner will be ready any minute now.” Fleamont kept an arm around Evan as he led him back towards the house. “Effie said she made a cake too for after dinner. I’ve been craving it all day.”

Evan let out a soft chuckle as he wiped his face on his sleeve.

Slowly, Evan was finding his place. It took a lot of work, one stride at a time, just like he took the ice, but he was doing it.

The warmth of the house, the smell of dinner, and the safety of the arm still wrapped around Evan’s shoulders were enough for him to believe it.

Maybe he deserved to win because maybe good could happen to anyone, even if they didn’t deserve it.

Maybe Evan actually was home.

Chapter Text

Summer two years ago

“Got away with thirty hits today.” Barty smirked as he lay in the grass. His legs were dangling off the cliff. He could feel the sharp rocks poke into his legs. He would lift them and slam them down every once in a while just to feel something. “Masterfully done as well, you should have seen me.”

The wind blew through the silence, Barty took that as his answer. He chuckled faintly, reaching for the bottle he had next to him. It was almost empty, just like Barty.

“Fitting, huh?” He mumbled as he sat up to take the final drinks. “Well, wanna do the honours?”

Barty stood up, holding the bottle over the edge. Underneath him was the rocky beachside and the ocean. The path up the cliff also led down to the beach. Barty rarely saw anyone there; the people were usually further away towards the flat part of the land, where the cliffs in the water could be avoided.

Barty liked it there, though, on the cliff. It was high, desolate, the kind of place where he could just disappear.

And, if he dropped, he would die.

“Now, love, listen.” Barty held up the bottle, talking right to it. He could see himself reflected in the glass. It didn’t really look like him, his skin was a bit more sun-kissed than usual. He spent a lot of his time outside. Long days wandering aimlessly or getting pissed by the cliffside. His eyes were the biggest part of himself he didn’t recognise though. They might as well not be there. “If you go in the ocean, I don’t jump, ‘kay?”

He moved his hand in a rocking motion, one that could simulate a nod. He sighed at himself; he was fucking stupid.

Barty dropped the bottle, his breath catching in his throat as he watched it fall fast down towards the beach below. If Barty were to jump, he didn’t want to wash away somewhere to never be found.

He dropped bottles when he was pissed out of his mind, toying with the release of his empty life. All he needed was one bottle that shattered against the rocks, and he would do it.

He said he would do it, he held his breath like he wouldn’t.

The bottle fell right into the water. Barty caught the splash from where he stood. He exhaled with a laugh.

“And we have another loser!” Barty exclaimed before he fell right back in the grass. “Stupid fucking ocean, don’t you agree?”

He turned to the side, staring off into nothing. He wasn’t talking to anyone, just saying words aloud as if someone were there.

The wind blew again, pesky, the wind was by the ocean. Maybe that was who Barty was truly talking to. Maybe his words blew away somewhere with the wind to be heard by someone else. Maybe one day he would find out who heard all his crazy talk because right then, that was all it was.

Crazy talk.

Barty lay back down, staring up at the clear sky. It was getting late, Barty was sure, but the sun shone on like it had no desire to stop.

Maybe Barty spoke to the sun, maybe he spoke the the stars, maybe he spoke to the moon.

Or maybe it was the wind.

“I’ll always come back here, won’t I?” He whispered, feeling the wind still. The rays warmed his body as he shut his eyes. “Your silence speaks volumes. One day, I’ll jump.”

Everything grew heavier. Maybe he didn’t need to jump, he was fifteen, maybe he would drink himself to death. His liver might give out before a bottle shattered on the rocks.

He sighed, his eyes remaining shut.

“One day, but not today.”

* * *

February 11th (Right after the finals)

Everything was falling apart; Remus had got second.

Everything was falling apart; Barty couldn’t keep living off him.

Everything was falling apart.

“I can’t. Fuck, I can’t.” Barty choked before everything was too much too fast and came out in a shrieking scream that had him falling to the floor. Barty felt his knees crash down. It barely hurt, and Barty didn’t know if it was from the protective mat on the floor or because he couldn’t feel anything.

He hated when he couldn’t feel anything.

“I won’t let anything happen to you, Barty, you hear me?” Remus knelt beside him, that much Barty was aware of. Remus shouldn’t have to do more, he already did everything. Barty was a fucking parasite on Remus, sucking every little part of him that made him Remus. Soon, he would follow him into a pit of darkness because Barty was steadily dragging him down there. “I will figure this out for us, I promise.”

Barty shook his head. He slammed his forehead against Remus’s knee. He wanted to hurt himself like he kept hurting Remus. It was all his fault. It was his fault they were there, it was probably his fault Remus didn’t win. Everything was on him.

Remus wouldn’t let him hurt though, the stupid man he was. He put his hand between Barty’s head and his knee.

Why did he have to be so fucking good? Barty didn’t need good, he was fine without it. Remus was a fucking idiot.

Barty slapped Remus’s hand so it would move. He buried his nails in his skin when he didn’t. He scratched him, but Remus didn’t move his hand away. Why couldn’t he just let him hurt?

“We can do this, Barty. I promise.” Remus leaned and placed a kiss on his head. Barty headbutted him when he had the chance. “Fuck.”

Remus finally backed off like Barty wanted.

“You’re a liar.” Barty whispered, pushing himself off the ground. He couldn’t stay, he needed to get away. He needed to save Remus for once because Remus would promise, and he would try to keep to his word, and it would all get worse and worse. It would all be Barty’s fault just because he couldn’t care for himself. “You can’t promise shit, Remus.”

“Where are you going?” Remus asked, standing with Barty. Barty didn’t offer him a response. Remus didn’t need to go with him. Barty could take care of himself like he had before Remus. He was perfectly fine before Remus. But Remus didn’t drop it, he followed after him. “Barty, where are you going?”

He refused to respond, he wouldn’t respond. He would slip away and Remus would realise that it wasn’t worth it.

“Barty, for fuck’s sake!” Remus grabbed his shoulder, he pulled on him. Barty turned around, furious. Why couldn’t he leave him alone? Why couldn’t he see that Barty was the problem?

Barty didn’t think when he hit Remus right by the eye. He regretted it the second it happened. He was angry, he was upset, he was suffocating in emotions he didn’t even know what they were, but he didn’t mean to hit Remus. He never wanted to hurt Remus, it just happened.

Remus winced before he punched him back. It caught Barty off guard for a second before he dove and they tumbled to the floor, throwing punches that Barty was sure neither of them truly meant.

It was not an actual fight. Barty hit Remus in the ribs at some point, and that punch reflected none of Barty’s real anger because Remus barely had to suck in a breath.

Remus gripped Barty’s jacket and he twisted the fabric to get Barty off him and down flat on the floor. He scrambled against the grip, their bodies clashing as more punches and kicks were exchanged.

It was a messy, desperate fight to try and deal with emotions neither of them could process. Maybe Barty thought if he hit Remus enough, he would hate him, but he had never hated him when he hit.

Barty reached out for Remus’s face when he spotted the mark on it that had started it all. What was he doing? Nothing of that made any sense. He acted wrong, his thoughts were wrong, his life was wrong. He, as a person, was wrong. He wasn’t worth anything really. Remus never saw it, but Barty saw it right then.

Remus shut his eyes when Barty cupped his face. Maybe he did know. Maybe Remus thought he would hurt him and that was why he flinched. Barty’s thumb stroked over where the first punch had landed.

“It’s gonna bruise. I’m sorry.” Barty shook his head. Remus wasn’t stupid, Barty was. He was hurting the person who meant the most to him in the world just because he wanted Remus to hate him. “You need to stop making promises you can’t hold.”

“I’m sorry then.” Remus leaned into Barty’s touch. Barty’s heart ached when he saw it. “I don’t think I can stop promising you that I will fix things.”

Barty sighed heavily as he tangled himself away from Remus. They sat on the floor and wiped at their faces. Remus would never hate him, Barty knew that even if he didn’t want it to be true.

What person loved their parasite? He would never understand.

“I have to do the award ceremony.” Remus whispered after a moment of silence. There it was. Barty felt a flutter in his stomach. If he wanted to save Remus from all his bullshit, he needed to disappear. And Remus wouldn’t let him do that. “I need to go to that. Can you go back to the hotel room? I’ll be there as quickly as possible, okay?”

Barty looked at Remus as he stood. He felt nothing, but he had a plan. He needed to disappear. He needed to let go of Remus as his host.

Barty eventually nodded, standing with Remus.

“I’ll be a few minutes, tops, okay?” Remus repeated and Barty nodded again. He stared after him, and the second he was gone, he bolted.

He probably didn’t need to run, but he ran.

Goddamn, how he ran.

He ran out of the arena, away from the block of the hotel.

He ran down the street he had walked down when he left yesterday.

He ran until he tripped, falling to the pavement.

He cut his hands when he caught himself. Blood ran from the cuts, he wiped them on his trousers before he stood up and kept running.

He didn’t know where he was running, he didn’t know Edinburgh, he just ran because he needed to run.

He needed Remus to never find him again.

It wasn’t until he was out of breath to the point where he was seeing spots that he actually stopped. His mouth tasted like blood, his hands were still bleeding, and everything was spinning a little.

He took gasping breath after gasping breath, leaning against a lamp post by the side of the road.

It was then he felt his phone buzz. It vibrated in his pocket, and he didn’t need to look at it to know who it was.

Barty pulled himself together before he realised where he was. It wasn’t too far to the train station, he was sure. He remembered his surroundings well enough to pinpoint where he was.

He followed the road with a new goal in mind.

The train station.

As he approached, the sound of an approaching train caught his attention. He looked to his right and saw the train in the distance, steadily getting closer. His feet took him closer to the edge of the platform without him even needing to think about it. The feeling slowly crawled up his spine, a feeling he was unable to shake.

It would all be so simple. He stared at the train, barely noticing the people around him. What if he just stepped off the platform right then?

The train rumbled closer, the sound reminding him of a heartbeat. His heartbeat, a heartbeat Barty didn’t know whether he wanted to keep alive. He thought back to all the bottles he had ever dropped down the cliff. Maybe it was time he dropped something else. Maybe that time, it was him.

What if he just disappeared once and for all, right then?

All the sounds fell into the background. He stared at that train like it was his new fate. He shifted closer to the track. His eyes moved down to the rails. Would it hurt to be hit by a train? Would death come fast? He wanted it too, it was why he romanticised on a cliff where falling would kill him, but would a train slowing down do the same?

Would he get trapped under the train, bones broken and suffer until he died? Did he want that? He thought he wanted to die, he used to think about it every day before he met Remus.

The truth was, he hadn’t been thinking about it since summer when he was trapped in that hell of a house. He hadn’t felt the itch to play with fate.

He wanted to disappear, but if he disappeared at the train station, Remus would know, he would hear about it too soon. Barty wanted to be gone before Remus found out.

And, if he was being honest, that train didn’t have his name on it.

Yet, he shifted closer to the edge of the platform. Just to get a taste of the wind as the train passed him by.

He closed his eyes, his mind conjuring the image of jumping for him. It would have been so easy to just step off the edge, but he didn’t want to.

Not then, at least.

Instead, as the train blew past him, Barty opened his eyes. When the doors opened, Barty didn’t think, he just boarded the train.

He had no idea where it was going, he didn’t have a ticket, but it was all he needed to disappear. If he didn’t know where he was, then Remus couldn’t possibly know either.

Barty found a corner of the cart and applied the age-old trick to bump the train: pretending to be asleep.

His plan B was showing the ticket from yesterday that was still in his back pocket and hope the conductor didn’t look too closely at it.

Barty sighed as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket again. He knew Remus wouldn’t stop calling, and he could stop the constant noise if he turned off his phone, but he decided not to. He didn’t know why, he had turned it off before, but he just wanted it on.

Maybe he wanted to know when Remus gave up because he would give up at some point. He had to give up at some point, right?

Barty wasn’t coming back, there was no point for him to keep calling. Remus must know that.

Barty leaned his head against the glass, pulling his hood up to get into his best asleep position. He closed his eyes and just sat there, waiting and hoping that the conductor wouldn’t pay attention to him when they did their sweep of the train. It was getting late anyway, the conductor could easily miss it from being tired.

Barty was tired, too tired. Maybe his fake sleeping would turn into actual sleeping.

Or maybe it would turn into a full spiral.

Barty heard the conductor move through the cart as the train was rolling fast. The sounds were a lullaby in themselves. The sound of the few people around him, the way the train sped through the country, the conductor asking for tickets.

But he didn’t stop at Barty. He kept moving. Barty smirked, knowing he was at least invisible to the train personnel. He wished that could be the same for Remus.

Why wasn’t he invisible to Remus? Why did he see him like no one else did?

Constant, that was what they were supposed to be. Barty didn’t want to be Remus’s constant anymore because he was ruining Remus’s life. Even if Remus didn’t see it, Barty did. He had for a while, but he chose to push that aside. If he could just be with Remus a little longer, life would taste a little sweeter.

But it had been sweet long enough, and all that was left was a bitter, rotten taste in Barty’s mouth.

Barty lazily opened his eyes, watching as the streak of darkness passed outside the window. The sun had set long ago. There was the occasional streak of colour as they pulled into the next stop, but otherwise, it was just dark.

Barty wasn’t quite sure how long he had just stared out of the window. An hour, maybe. Remus was still ringing his phone every few minutes, so it couldn’t be much longer than that. He closed his eyes every now and again, drifting in and out of something that wasn’t quite sleeping, but it wasn’t awake either.

He was just existing.

His hands still throbbed a little, the palms ever so stubborn as they made a different rhythm to the rest of his body.

At one point, a woman and her toddler had taken the seat on the other side of the aisle from him. He had seen them, listened to the toddler’s sleepy babbling before he had turned back to the window. They weren’t there anymore, he couldn’t say how long they had stayed either.

And all that time, his phone kept buzzing.

At some point, the train slowed down. People stirred. Barty didn’t until he heard the speakers announce the final stop.

The final jolt - as the train came to a stop - pulled him back to the surface.

Barty gasped as if he had been under water. He walked off the train, expecting to find himself somewhere he wouldn’t recognise.

That turned out to be entirely false.

Home.

Of course, the fucking train took him to the place he wanted to escape. Remus was coming back there at some point, and Barty would be there. Unless he ran somewhere else, but he hated to admit that he was too tired to run again.

It was late, barely a soul anywhere as Barty steered his steps to the only place he could really think of.

He walked up to Remus’s house, and he fished in his pockets for any keys, realising he didn’t have them. Never mind that, he knew the spare was under a pot in the back garden. He wandered around the house, thinking about how he wanted to disappear only to find himself back in the very house he should probably avoid.

He got the key, he went back around, he unlocked the front door before he stepped inside and took a deep breath of that scent he had learnt to recognise meant safety more than anything else in the world.

Barty kicked off his shoes before he walked down the hall and opened the door to Remus’s room. He stripped out of his clothes before he lay down in the bed. He pulled the duvet over himself, sighing heavily.

He could run more again tomorrow, right then, he just needed a bit of rest. A moment to breathe and gather his strength again.

The buzzing of his phone had stopped. He swiped away the notification of missed messages from Remus before he could even read them. He had given up, he knew Barty wasn’t coming back to the hotel room.

That was all Barty needed. Remus was still in Edinburgh, Barty was not.

And in the morning, Barty would find himself elsewhere.

He already knew where he was going.

With those thoughts, Barty fell asleep.

* * *

February 12th

When Barty woke up the next morning, he hoped somewhere everything had been a nightmare. He hoped he would find Remus in the house and they were about to head to the finals and he had just dreamt everything bad that happened.

He held his breath as he looked at his phone.

Another missed call from Remus and a text message.

It was definitely not a nightmare.

Barty sighed as he tapped the message notification, reading the message that Remus was heading back home and paying Hope a visit. Barty flew out of bed. He had no time to waste.

He had a plan, he was following through with it.

He jumped into his clothes that he had worn yesterday, ready to set off quickly. As he reached for the doorknob, he stopped. His eyes fell to the wardrobe beside him. He stared at it for a solid minute before he reached out, opened the door and grabbed one of Remus’s jumpers. He pulled it over his head before he left the room.

He wasn’t sure why he took it. He left the bed unmade too. He was thinking about how he left a trace for Remus to follow. Why did he do that? He didn’t want Remus to find him, yet he let him know he had made it back home.

He left the house, he locked the door, he pocketed the key and he thought about why he did what he did when he had no good reason for it.

Remus would know he had been there. He wasn’t stupid, Barty knew as much. Some part of him always wanted to comfort Remus, that was the same part that wanted to let Remus know he had been back home. That there had been a moment where Barty had picked the safety of that house.

Barty shook his head, dropping his thoughts as he walked fast. He already knew where he was going, it was like no time had changed from the place he used to be years ago. But it had changed, loads had changed, but he still came back to the same place.

He avoided looking at the few people who were outside that morning. It was mostly empty, with school already in session the biggest activity was off the streets. A few dog walkers, people going into work, Barty avoided them all.

He stared at his feet as he walked, his vision spinning as he tried to figure out if he was walking straight or stumbling. He couldn’t quite make it out.

He reached the school, no one seemed to be around. Barty knew that was false. There were some people who always skipped first period.

Barty walked around the school, behind the arena where they played hockey. How Slughorn missed his team hanging out there when they weren’t allowed was a mystery.

Other kids came there from time to time too, kids looking for a quiet place to smoke, kiss or fight. The fighting usually came from hockey players defending their territory like they were feral dogs. No wonder no one liked the Slytherin team, Barty didn’t even like them and he was part of them.

He turned the corner, and there he was.

Barty wouldn’t say he was often happy to see Mulciber, but he was that day. He even smiled at the sight of him and Wilkes as they spoke in low voices and smoked heavy clouds that Barty inhaled as he passed through.

“If it isn’t the faggot?” Mulciber smirked, elbowing Wilkes for a laugh. Wilkes was one of the players Barty never interacted with unless he had to. Avery was fine, he could stand Carrow, he fought Mulciber more than he didn’t, but he could deal with it. Wilkes was just foul.

“Aye, aye, laugh it up.” Barty rolled his eyes, staying calm. He didn’t want the fight, he would lose it. “I know, proper fairy.”

“Ain’t that an understatement?” Wilkes blew smoke right in Barty’s face. Barty didn’t even wrinkle his nose or squinch his eyes, he just took it. “Coach said you wouldn’t be here today, too busy playing with all the girlies.”

“I’m not here.” Barty leaned against the wall next to Mulciber. “I just need something.”

“Thought you quit all that.” Mulciber mumbled, dropping the cigarette he held. “None of us expected to ever see your face back behind here again.”

“I did quit.” Barty kicked at the gravel under his feet. “I quit and now I’m back. I dumped the poof, I am done with him, I need something.”

“Just let him pay and get him out of here.” Wilkes groaned. “I can’t stand looking at his face.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Mulciber rolled his eyes as he fished a small brown packet from his pocket. Barty felt his heart thump in his chest as he saw the packet. It was a sight he didn’t think he would ever fall back to, but there he was. Remus would kill him.

No, it didn’t matter what Remus would do, he was done with Remus. He meant what he said, he was leaving. He just needed a proper send-off.

“You have money?” Mulciber asked, but he already knew Barty didn’t. “I won’t take some half-arsed homework duty for this.”

“I’ll pass you the puck and you can score for the rest of the season?” Barty didn’t think it mattered, he wouldn’t be there to do Mulciber any favours after that day. “I’ll let you have the spotlight.”

“Keep talking.” Mulciber smirked.

“I’ll make sure Sluggy likes you more than me. I’ll make you his star.”

“You’ve got it, Crouch, but fuck me over and I’ll ruin you, got it?” Mulciber held out the packet. Barty took it with a nod.

“Aye, you can have the team pelt me if I don’t keep me word.” Barty winked before he left. “Thank you, mate.”

He heard a scoff as he left. Barty kissed the packet, stuffing it in his pocket as he left for the only place he knew he would be truly alone.

He was finally ready to jump.

* * *

The grass was cold against Barty’s body. He barely felt it from how everything had just faded into the background. He was somewhere better in his head, somewhere where the wind didn’t nip his cheek and tangle in his hair.

He lay in the spot he had so many times before, his legs bending at the knee and dangling off the edge of the cliff. He could feel the rocks dig into his calves, the only thing that felt real as he was swimming through the air.

He ran his fingers over the empty packet, the contents swallowed a while ago, all at once, with no hesitation. He had chased a high, and he was there then, on that high.

Every time he opened his eyes, he saw the sky swirl and bleed into the ocean by the horizon. The waves were high, and it felt like they would climb high enough to touch him. He knew they couldn’t, but staring at them, they climbed high enough.

The earth under him hummed, shaking him and his entire body. He would lift his arm just to watch it twitch and shake before dropping it down into the damp grass again.

And he was swimming in it all, light and floating through the world like he could escape it without actively making the choice.

He let out a long breath as he closed his eyes again, feeling the shake of his body and the fast beating of his heart.

He couldn’t believe he ever stopped. Why did he choose to feel anything other than what he felt right then?

He did know, there was a time Remus made him feel the same. The only thing he felt when he was with Remus then was guilt. He felt like everything he did ruined Remus’s life.

Remus was always stressed, he was always scared. He always worried about Barty, he always tried to save him. He couldn’t let Remus ruin his life with more ideas just to keep Barty safe.

If Barty was gone, Remus could live again. He could do things for himself because Barty always failed to do things for Remus. Remus did everything for Barty, and he could never repay him.

Never.

“That’s not true.”

Barty’s eyes shot open, his body jolting as he tried to sit, but it didn’t listen and he remained on his back.

“You know it’s not.” It was Remus’s voice. Barty turned his head, his heart beating even faster. It was a sluggish motion, his thoughts running too fast for his body to even keep up.

And right there, to his left, Remus sat down. He looked out over the ocean, not acknowledging Barty more than that.

“How…” Barty blinked, trying to understand how Remus had found him. He had never talked about that cliff. He had kept it a secret for a reason. Remus knew he had had suicidal thoughts, Remus knew how low his lows were, but he had never told him how he had a spot picked for where he wanted to die. “How...are you here?”

“We’re a constant, Barty, I will always find you.” Remus sighed, leaning back on his hands. Barty felt tears in his eyes, that wasn’t how that was supposed to go. “You mean everything to me, you know that.”

“I’m a parasite, Remus.” Barty muttered, his voice scratching the inside of his throat as he tried to talk. It hurt just as much as everything else. “You deserve better.”

“Why do you get to make that choice for me?” Remus asked, the question heavy in the air. “Why can’t I make my own decisions? Why do you think I chose you?”

“I don’t know.” Barty shook his head, shutting his eyes hard because he suddenly felt sick. “I don’t understand why you do.”

“You saved my life too.” Remus whispered. “I fight because you’re my best friend.”

“It isn’t fair, I can’t pay you back.”

“I never asked for anything back.” Remus said, and Barty slowly opened his eyes again, looking at Remus’s profile that blurred in and out of his vision. “I don’t need anything back either. You are what I need, and you know that even if you don’t want to believe it.”

Remus turned his head, he looked right at Barty, and that was when he saw it. Remus wasn’t there, his mind was fucking with him. His eyes were conjured almost perfectly, but they weren’t perfect.

They weren’t alive.

They weren’t Remus.

“You’re not real.” Barty reached out a shaky hand, his body willing itself to move. His hand went right through and Barty fell headfirst into the grass.

“Of course, I’m not. You know, I don’t know about this place.” Remus’s voice came from behind him. Barty turned his head and Remus was sitting on the other side of him. “I told you, I’m going to visit my mum. I’m probably there right now.”

“I know.” Barty swallowed.

“But I am your view of Remus, aren’t I? I can only say what you know, so here we are.” Remus shook his head, disappointed, and even if he wasn’t real, it hurt. “Let me make my choice, Barty. Even if you don’t want me to pick you, I will pick you. You know that, so let me.”

“One day, you won’t.” Barty croaked, staring up at the sky that swirled at into circles like a kaleidoscope. “I don’t wanna be here for that day.”

“And if that day never comes, do you truly want to throw away what we have for an uncertainty?”

“Shut up.” Barty muttered. “You’re not real.”

“No, I’m not.” Remus confirmed. “But we both know you’re not going to jump. You would have done it by now if you were.”

“You know nothing.” Barty spat, sitting up to stare down the cliff. “I will do it.”

“I’m you, you idiot.” Barty turned back to Remus only to find himself rolling his eyes. “And I know you won’t fucking do it. We’re a coward, and once we’re done with this tantrum, we’ll crawl back to Remus, beg for his forgiveness, and he’ll forgive us because he loves us.”

Barty shook his head as it began to echo with his and Remus’s voices telling him to stop pretending he was going to do anything and just head back home.

He screamed at them, he screamed pure noise.

He screamed, and screamed. He pulled at his hair and screamed some more.

He jumped back from the edge and curled into a ball. He screamed again and tore at his skin, scratching open patches on his hands and arms.

He hated himself as he banged his head against the ground. He tried to feel something - anything - because he didn’t feel any pain in his current state.

He was so sure he would never return from the cliff that day, but his fucking stupid brain told him to live, and it was hard to argue with one’s own conscious.

Barty started sobbing when nothing else calmed him down. He kept trying to hurt himself, it didn’t work. He kept screaming, nothing went quiet.

He didn’t know how long he was curled up, sobbing and screaming, but it was a while.

He scratched himself again and it hurt.

Slowly, everything started stinging. His hands and arms tingled, not in a pleasant way, but in a dreadful way. It felt good.

His head pounded, his touched his temple and found it just as sticky as the rest of his body.

It was dark right then, he sat up, not clearheaded, but not where he had been a minute ago.

Or, it cleary wasn’t a minute.

He reached for his phone, it was dead. Barty guessed it was from the cold. He would probably have been freezing too if it weren’t for Remus’s jumper. He wrapped his arms around his torso, curling into himself again.

“I’m so sorry.” Barty whispered because the worst part wasn’t what he had just experienced and realised he couldn’t do.

No, the worst part was going back home and facing Remus.

It was going back and already knowing Remus would forgive him even if he shouldn’t because Barty caused him nothing but pain.

It was knowing that Remus would look at him, eyes soft and with that pity that meant he didn’t hate him.

Part of Barty loved that it would play out like that, another part of him wished Remus would just hate him.

He wished he could go back and Remus would have had enough. Finally, he had had enough.

Then, he could tell his head, it was wrong.

And the nightmare would end.

But that wasn’t the case, and he pushed up from the ground. He wobbled on his feet, a head rush coming over him as he staggered back towards the city.

When he was nearing home, he was hit by street lights that showed his bloodied skin. He really had done a number on himself. It felt good, he hated that it did, but he needed to feel something other than numb.

Pain was always an easy alternative.

Barty reached the house, and he found the door locked. He unlocked it and stepped inside.

“Remus?” He called. He got no answer. He wasn’t back yet.

Barty nodded to himself. He went into Remus’s bedroom, got a change of clothes and a towel.

He headed into the bathroom after, jumping into the shower. He showered cold, shivering as he let his body wash clean.

The water was red when it washed down the drain. He watched it in some type of trance.

He turned the water warm when his feet felt numb. He let the water warm him up again.

He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, thinking about how he would handle the conversation with Remus that was now inevitable.

He didn’t know; he would probably fuck it up.

He sighed as he closed his eyes, sliding down the shower wall.

He curled up against the wall, letting the water wash over, determined to sit there until Remus got back.

Remus would have to find him. He had disappeared, just not forever. Just not far enough.

He disappeared, but Remus could find him when he came home.

“Fucking coward.” Barty croaked, his voice so hoarse he barely heard it himself.

Chapter Text

February 12th

Sirius stood in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth. His head was spinning the same way that it had all day. He felt a bit lost, he wasn’t sure why. He kept circling back to last night, to that morning, thinking of Remus and how it felt like an eternity ago since he gave him his number.

Sirius hadn’t texted him yet. He wanted to, but he had no idea what to say. He spent the entire flight home trying to type out a message where he didn’t sound stupid just so he could send it when they got off the plane, but he came up with nothing.

Sirius sighed as he spat in the sink, wringing off his toothbrush. Maybe he should just drop it and pretend it never happened. That was always an option, and Sirius could do that because it wasn’t like he had been obsessed with Remus’s fucking eyes for almost a year.

He might be the peak of pathetic at that point. That was what Sirius thought until he left the bathroom to find James holding onto Regulus’s sleeve as he was saying goodnight to Evan.

Yeah, okay, so James was the peak of pathetic. He had been a total lovesick puppy the entire day. If Regulus was out of his sight, it looked like he would cry. Sure, they were in love or something, but Regulus didn’t act like they had to be attached every second of every day.

“Night, Prongs.” Sirius called to catch his attention. James looked up, smiling at Sirius.

“Goodnight. We get up early tomorrow?”

“I guess.” Sirius leaned against the wall. “We should probably take this hockey thing seriously now, no?”

“About time, I say.” James nodded in agreement.

“And I’m sleeping in.” Evan wrinkled his nose.

“Regulus, you are too.” Sirius pointed a finger at him. Regulus turned and met Sirius’s eyes with a raised eyebrow. “You’ve just competed in the finals, your body needs a good night’s rest and time to recharge. You can get up when Evan does.”

“I didn’t realise you would continue to coach me even if we’re done with figure skating.” Regulus rolled his eyes. “Fine, I guess you’ll have to do without me watching you.”

“I’ll miss you.” James pouted.

“And that’s the second reason Regulus can’t be there, we need full focus, James. We’ve completed the side-quest, time to get back on the main path.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll show you focus.”

“Good.” Sirius grinned. “Night, lads.”

They said goodnight back as Sirius disappeared into his room. He closed the door and fell right back into thinking about Remus and what he should do.

He paced over the floor, over and over, for a few moments before he got out his phone. He opened his notes app where he had written several attempts at a message for Remus.

Hi! How are you doing? Okay? Yeah? No? I hope this isn’t too out of the blue

Sirius sighed as he scrolled to the next message.

Hello! Remus! My man!

He grimaced just as he had when he wrote it, scrolling.

Hi Lupin! I hope you’re aight now after everything. I thought I could check in since you gave me your number so this is me…checking in

Sirius groaned and threw himself backwards on his bed. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he write a normal message? Why did he sound like some kind of idiot?

At least he could comfort himself that he at least had a sense enough to not send any of those monstrosities of messages.

Sirius swiped out of the notes app and tapped into his contacts. He pressed on Remus’s, reading ‘Remus (eyes like the moon)’ as he did.

Sirius smiled faintly as he thought back to that hockey game almost a year ago where he had walked past Remus in the corridor. He had glanced at him while he walked past and caught those light brown eyes. It took one moment before he processed what he had seen, and when he turned around to look again, the eyes were gone, and all Sirius could see was the back of Remus’s head. He noted that his brown curls fell a bit below his neck. That and how tall he was.

Sirius sat up, bouncing his leg as he started typing in the message square. He saw the emoji he sent staring back at him as he typed.

Hey Lupin! Hope this isn’t odd, you did give me your number after all

Sirius frowned as he started deleting the message.

“Why is this so fucking hard? It’s just a text.” Sirius muttered, slapping his forehead as if a good message would fall out of his head. “It’s like you’ve never talked to another human being.”

Sirius closed his eyes, letting his hands fall on his legs. He felt how they bounced as he moved his leg. Maybe he was the peak of pathetic after all. After today, they would have to put an image of Sirius next to pathetic in the dictionary.

“Just type something.” Sirius whispered, opening his eyes. He looked down at his phone. “Anything.”

Sirius tapped the keyboard.

Hi

He stared at the word. It was good, it wasn’t crazy, it didn’t sound deranged or desperate or whatever. It was a hi. A greeting. An invitation.

Sirius hovered with his thumb over the send button. He shut his eyes again and pressed send, watching the message fly up on the screen.

Sirius squealed a little, panicking as he threw his phone on the floor.

He tried to calm himself with the thought that Remus wouldn’t have given him his number if he didn’t want him to have it. It didn’t particularly work as Sirius crawled up on his bed.

What if Remus thought he was weird? What if it was bad timing? He should have waited longer.

“What is wrong with me?” Sirius groaned, not sure if he was referring to the overthinking - something he never really had experienced in his life before Remus - or the message he sent.

He took a deep breath, feeling dizzy. Why was he overthinking? He never thought anything through, and suddenly, there he was, sending a simple message that caused him to freak out like some kind of nervous wreck.

Sirius buried his face in the pillows, curling up on the bed and praying. He didn’t know what he was praying for, but he was praying.

And then, his phone vibrated on the floor.

Sirius peeked his head up, carefully glancing down at his phone on the floor. He looked at the screen and saw a message from Remus.

Hiya

Sirius blinked, his face heating up. He swallowed as he leaned over the edge of the bed. He read it again.

Hiya

He rubbed his eyes before he picked up his phone. What now? Remus responded. What would he say next? What would make sense?

Sirius sighed as he tried to act like he usually would and not think through every little detail. That wasn’t who he was, not really.

Sirius tapped the keyboard, then deleted, then typed again.

* * *

Remus stood outside. The wind was nipping at his face as he stared down at his phone. He watched as the bubble that indicated that Sirius was typing appeared and disappeared. He had just gotten out of the hospital after talking to his mother when his phone buzzed.

He waited for Sirius to send another message, his heart beating hard in his chest as he waited. With every second, it felt harder to breathe.

Should he have sent something else? Was his text back too simple? But why would Sirius just send a ‘hi’ if he wanted something from him?

Remus closed their messages before he opened them up again, as if that would magically generate him a message from Sirius. Like if Remus tried to force a message to come through, it would just happen.

He closed the app again, and his phone buzzed in his hand. The preview showed a new text from Sirius.

Maybe he could force a message after all.

Better?

Remus stared at the word. Did Sirius only text with one word, or why were his messages so cryptic? Not that ‘hi’ was very cryptic, but Remus had no idea what he wanted.

Better?

Was he really better? He had felt better a moment ago when he was with his mother. His mum remembered who he was after over a year. He was better then, but as he stood there, all alone, was he better? Barty was still gone, and he was no longer in his mother’s arms.

Remus sighed as he tried to figure out what to do. What should he say? He didn’t want Sirius to think he was a wreck - even if that was the truth. In fact, he didn’t know what he wanted from Sirius at all. Why did he give him his number? What did he want to accomplish with that?

Somewhat

Remus wasn’t exactly lying, he was somewhat better, but he still felt like absolute shit. He turned off his phone and started walking home. Somewhere, he hoped that if he was slow enough, Barty would have come back to the house and Remus could find him there, asleep. He had slept there yesterday, so maybe, just maybe, he came back again.

But Remus also knew that Barty knew he was back in Cardiff, and if Barty wanted to disappear, he wouldn’t go where Remus would find him.

Remus’s pocket buzzed again, but he ignored it. He could read up on Sirius’s messages when he got back home and found it empty. When he was all alone, he could text Sirius back.

Remus reached his house, walking up the steps to the porch. His gaze lingered on the railing where he and Barty smoked that day in December and really talked. It wasn’t the only time they had smoked out there, but it was one of the times where Remus realised just how much he needed to have Barty in his life.

Remus shook his head as he headed for the door. He took out his keys, but as he turned them in the lock, nothing happened. He felt the door.

It was unlocked.

Remus’s heart skipped a beat. It pounded harder in his chest. He opened the door as quietly as he could. He didn’t know what state Barty was in, and he wasn’t about to scare him away.

He just prayed he was still there. He wasn’t sure what or who he was praying to, but he was praying.

Remus carefully slipped off his shoes, tiptoeing through the house. He glanced at the paintings he and Barty had made that he had hung up on the wall as he passed them.

He smiled softly. All Remus needed was to find Barty and everything would be okay.

As he walked further into the house, he heard water running in the shower.

Remus swallowed thickly as he carefully walked up to the door. It wasn’t locked, he could just open it.

He took a deep breath before he knocked. One knock, quick and not too hard against the door. The sound still echoed, or maybe that was just in Remus’s head.

“Barty?” Remus tried to speak over the water, but his voice faltered and broke. He tried to clear it with a cough when he got no answer, thinking maybe Barty hadn’t heard him. “Barty?”

It came out better the second time, but there was still no answer.

What if he wasn’t in there? What if he just left the shower on and left? No, he wouldn’t do that.

Remus carefully opened the door. Steam came out of the bathroom. Remus stepped inside the damp, hot air. He turned to the shower, pulling the curtain aside.

And there he was.

Naked and curled into a ball on the floor. He was shaking, rocking back and forth as his body shook.

Remus got tears in his eyes from the sight.

Remus didn’t speak at first, he just crouched down, sitting right outside of the shower. He doubted Barty even knew he was there.

He waited for him to notice, and when he didn’t, he carefully reached out a hand and placed it on Barty’s shoulder.

Barty jumped, his eyes wide as he jerked. He stared at Remus with a bloodshot and wild gaze. His eyes were so dark that Remus swore there was nothing but pupil there.

It didn’t take much for Remus to know Barty was under the influence of something, a blown pupil was one of those things.

“Hey.” Remus whispered, squeezing his shoulder as he was putting two and two together. Remus trailed his eyes down to the scratch marks all over Barty’s arms. Remus felt like a real detective trying to piece together what Barty had done while he was gone. When Barty was anxious, when he was stressed, he hurt himself. Both on purpose and not, it was the same reaction as when he just screamed. “You’re bleeding.”

Barty didn’t respond at first. Remus let the words hang as Barty still just stared at Remus. His eyes moved over his features. Remus could see how the pupil moved widely in Barty’s eyes.

It took a moment before Barty met Remus’s eyes again.

“No shit.” Barty huffed, trying to pull away from Remus. All Remus felt was relief. That was his Barty right there. He was still there.

“What happened?” Remus spoke softly. He imagined it was the same way he would speak to a small child who had gotten lost from their parents. Soft tone, small movements.

“Doesn’t matter.” Barty mumbled. He turned his head, curling back into a ball. Remus reached with his free hand and turned off the shower.

“Are you…” Remus swallowed, trying not to sound accusatory. It didn’t matter what Barty was, it mattered that he was there. “High?”

“Not anymore.” Barty shivered when the water stopped hitting his skin. “It’s coming down.”

“Okay.” Remus nodded. He stood up to get a towel for Barty. Barty didn’t even move after him like he usually did when he was upset. He would cling like a koala and not leave his side. It did stress Remus a little when he broke that pattern because Barty didn’t break a lot of his patterns unless something was very wrong. Even when he was drunk out of his mind, feeling like shit, he would joke and tease.

Remus got the towel and helped Barty up. He was shaking so much that Remus had to support him so he wouldn’t fall. That was his other tell that Barty had been high. He was always shaking after. It could be emotional, but it was most likely some substance.

“Why can’t you hate me?” Barty whispered, his voice harsh and rough while Remus patted him dry with the towel. “Please just hate me.”

Barty said the same thing a few days ago during the finals. ‘Just say you hate me.’ Barty was so insistent that Remus hated him, but he couldn’t hate him. No matter how much he hurt him, he never hated him. But he was upset. He was hurt, and that hurt could maybe be hatred. That hurt and fear that manifested in emotions Remus couldn’t understand, maybe they were hatred deep down.

“I did hate you.” Remus sighed, wrapping his arms around Barty. He placed his head on his shoulder. “I hated you so much for leaving me. You have no idea how much you hurt me, especially after already doing it. I told you how scared you make me when you do that.”

“You should hate me.” Barty slammed his head against Remus a few times. That hurt physically. He knew Barty did it to hurt himself, never to hurt Remus. Somehow, though, physical pain was always easier to deal with. Physical pain didn’t hurt like any other pain did.

“I don’t anymore.” Remus placed a hand on his forehead to stop him from banging his head. “We can have this conversation a million times over, Barty, and I will always say the same thing.”

The second Barty was back, the second he was there in Remus’s arms, all that disappeared. All he needed was to have Barty there.

Maybe in a different universe, Remus hated Barty, but that was not their universe. In their universe, Remus would always love and care for Barty.

“You don’t need me, you’re just confused. You can’t see that you don’t need me.”

“Why do you get to make that decision for me? Why do you get to tell me what I need and don’t need?” Remus stared down at Barty who avoided his eyes.

“You sound just like him.” Barty’s voice broke for a second.

“Like who?”

“Like you.” Barty mumbled and that cleared nothing up for Remus. “In me head.”

Yeah, still nothing, but Remus wouldn’t question whatever revelation Barty had right then. He just nodded slowly, leading Barty with him to the bedroom.

“Why can’t you just yell at me?” Barty whispered, sitting down on the bed. The towel fell off his shoulder and revealed his bare torso and all the burns on his chest. Remus wanted to caress him, he wanted to make it all disappear. He also wanted to hit him, slap some sense into him. He wanted to yell, he wanted to do all the things Barty thought he should. But he could never. There was no point hating someone who mattered. “Aren’t you angry?”

“Of course, I am.” Remus mumbled, giving Barty clothes. He was angry, he was furious. He had so many different emotions all at once, and why wouldn’t he? “But I also know you and how you work. Yelling would make things worse, we both know that.”

Barty scoffed, getting dressed in the clothes Remus handed him. Remus turned around, he didn’t watch. It was almost built into him. Barty didn’t like being looked at, so Remus didn’t stare.

But he wanted to stare. He wanted to make Barty feel just an ounce of what Remus felt, an ounce of that uncomfortable anger that was clawing through his entire chest. That voice in his head, telling him to get out. That Barty would never change, that it wasn’t worth it. That if he just shut Barty out, everything could be how it used to be. He had his mother back anyway, she was finally there, remembering. He wasn’t fully alone anymore.

But then, Remus thought about how he looked away. How his brain was wired after Barty right then.

Even if the idea briefly surfaced, he knew Barty too well to only entertain the idea of giving him up for a fleeting second. Never more. He would spend the rest of his time keeping Barty safe.

Remus turned at the sound of Barty sitting down. Without a word, he crossed the room, guiding him gently until they lay down together. Remus reached out and held Barty closely in his arms.

Barty didn’t move. He didn’t shift closer, nor did he try to avoid Remus’s touch. He just stared up at the dark ceiling.

Remus knew what that meant too.

“Please don’t go again.” Remus closed his eyes, pressing himself against Barty. And that was when it broke for him. He had been terrified, worried beyond what he thought was possible. It wasn’t bad like it had been at the finals; it was pure devastation and a gnawing feeling that Barty was lost to him.

He had felt it the entire time pulsing somewhere behind his ribs. That knot that tied together his arteries and gave him nothing but suffering and a constant fear that Barty was lost. Gone.

He knew there was always a risk. The risk that when Barty disappeared, he would never come back. And Remus’s entire being was so sure that that was the time he would never return. The feeling was still there, still mixed with his relief from holding Barty in his arms.

He was always terrified he would lose that part of himself that he had given to Barty. They may not be romantically involved anymore, but Barty would always hold Remus’s soul. Their soul.

“I beg of you, Barty.” Remus curled his fingers, gripped Barty in any way he could. His eyes stung. “Please never go again. I can’t take it.”

“I’m sorry.” Barty’s voice was void of any emotion. Remus couldn’t hold it in longer than that. He choked and started sobbing into Barty’s body. So much had happened over the past day, and Remus went through it alone. All he needed was Barty, and he wasn’t there, but he was back. He was alive. “I don’t…I didn’t…fuck.”

Remus wanted to comfort him, but he was too busy holding onto Barty and crying like he was a ghost. He wanted to give him everything he always did, but there would be a time Remus couldn’t. He just didn’t know it would be that soon.

“Rem-Rem.” Barty called after a moment. “I won’t go again. I’m too much of a coward.”

Barty’s voice cracked, and they fell back into something they had done many times before. They cried in each other’s arms. It was almost comical. Remus let out a sound that was half a laugh and half a sob.

With Barty crying came his clinginess that he seemed to have lost. He turned and wrapped every limb around Remus like he was trying to fuse them together. And Remus let him because it would be lovely. It would be perfect. He wished it would work so he never lost Barty again.

“You’re always so relentless.” Barty murmured against Remus’s neck. “Stubborn arsehole.”

Remus chuckled faintly, sighing as he felt himself calm down ever so slightly.

“I know.” Remus held Barty closer. “You can hate me for it.”

“I can never hate you.” Barty shook his head.

“And that’s why we’re the same. I can never hate you, and you can never hate me.”

“Shut up.” Barty sobbed. “You are stupid for keeping me here, Remus. Somewhere, you must know that too.”

“Then, I guess I’ll just have to be the world’s biggest idiot. I can always figure out how to make more money, I can’t figure out how to live without you.”

Barty fell silent. When Remus glanced down at him, his eyes were wide. It was like he realised just why Remus fought so hard for him right then. It was like it had never made sense until that moment. Barty really hated himself enough not to see that Remus had thousands of reasons for keeping him safe. Even if Remus had said them before, Barty didn’t believe him. Not until then.

“Okay.” Barty finally said, his voice small. “I’ll never leave again. I won’t try to go anywhere. I will stay.”

“Good.” Remus pressed close to him. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

That undid Remus again. Sobs escaped him, but he also trusted what Barty said. He hoped Barty meant it, meant that he would never leave again. It was probably not the safest thing since Barty was the definition of instability, but he trusted him with everything.

They lay like that for a long time. No more words, just each other. Remus could tell when Barty started to drift off. It wasn’t over, Remus knew that - it never really was with Barty - but, again, he did trust him. He believed that when Barty said he wouldn’t leave again, he meant it.

Remus believed that Barty wouldn’t run, that he would still be there in the morning, and that Remus wouldn’t have to pull his hair out to run after and search for him.

* * *

February 13th

Things weren’t exactly easy when Barty woke up. He felt like shit, really. Not just because his head hurt and his arms were stinging from the way he had scratched them open. No, he felt like shit because he knew exactly what he had put Remus through. And it became even more noticeable that time, one conversation wouldn’t fix them.

Remus was…well, he was Remus, alright.

Completely quiet.

Barty was used to that, he knew Remus would go silent when things were too much. He had done it over and over again, it wasn’t new.

But it still felt new. It felt like something Barty couldn’t handle that one time.

Maybe it was because Barty was also just falling apart piece by piece, or maybe it was deeper than that.

They sat together at the table, eating their respective breakfast. Barty tried his best to eat, but he was struggling in more ways than one. He could blame the drugs - he did a little - but that wasn’t the worst part of that morning.

He thought about how many mornings he and Remus had sat like that. How they had fought and then sat in silence. How before they broke up, it was almost their normal.

Barty tapped his fingers against the wood of the table, trying to get a reaction from Remus. He came out empty-handed. Remus stared out of the window, sipping his tea.

Barty placed his palm flat against the table when he realised it wasn’t working. He already knew it wouldn’t; he wasn’t sure why he even tried.

Maybe that was Barty’s problem, he tried when he knew there was no point and didn’t try when there was one. Why couldn’t he be more like Remus? Remus would try no matter what, he didn’t give up just because Barty was a fucking idiot, so why did Barty give up?

Why had he run away? He felt like the worst friend in the world. He probably was, it really wouldn’t surprise him if he was.

He took a bite of his toast, chewing it slowly. It tasted ashy in his mouth, like ground-up cardboard that wasn’t meant to be eaten.

He sighed, tapping his fingers again. The silence was getting to him. Really getting to him. It was worse than if Remus just went at him and yelled.

Oh, how Barty wished Remus would just yell a little, they both would just feel better afterwards.

“Rem-Rem.” Barty finally spoke because he was slowly going insane.

Remus didn’t turn his head, he didn’t say anything, he just kept staring at whatever invisible thing he had found outside the window.

Barty knew he heard him, though, Remus was present, just not willing to speak. Barty smacked his lips, he rocked a little on his chair. He sighed when he realised he didn’t even know what he was trying to say.

“How was your mum?” Barty settled because it felt like the only thing that might get anything out of Remus. It might have been a cheap shot, but fuck did it work.

Remus turned his head, and he met Barty’s eyes. He swallowed and placed his cup down.

“She remembers.” Remus whispered. Barty blinked at him, not sure what to say or how to process any of that. He wasn’t prepared for Remus to actually talk, if he had known he would talk, he would have asked that when they woke up that morning and Remus didn’t utter a word.

“Oh, wow.” Barty exhaled. “Wow. That’s…” Barty shook his head at himself. “That’s great.”

Remus gave a nod, a small smile, and then, whatever that moment had been, disappeared as Remus turned back to the window. Barty wanted to cry out and stop him because he forgot how good it felt to have Remus’s attention.

It was the only drug he really needed. That thrill of knowing that he and Remus were still just Barty and Remus after everything.

Barty could say he wanted Remus to hate him, he could scream it from the rooftops and swear it was the truth, but deep down, Barty knew - just as well as Remus probably - that Barty needed Remus to like him.

Barty could say he wanted Remus to hate him, but he was absolutely terrified of being unloved.

Everything Barty did was just to ensure Remus never hated him. He tried to leave before it ever got to that point.

“I’m an idiot.” Barty sighed, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling. He felt like he had made that confession far too many times in his life. “I should have been here for that. You’ve waited so fucking long, and I’m not even here.”

Barty spoke the first thing that came to mind, but somehow, it felt weird in his mouth, like the words weren’t his. Like he wasn’t meant to be able to comfort Remus despite knowing how. He scoffed at himself, what was wrong with him?

“I’m so fucking sorry, Rem-Rem.” Barty heard how Remus placed the cup down on the table. He looked towards him and Remus stared back. “I’m sorry I’m such a shitty best friend. I guess I was wrong, I can’t be a best friend.”

“You did say you might not be the best at it.” Remus spoke softly, his eyes reflecting the tone in his voice. Remus could recall all their conversations with scary accuracy sometimes.

“Well, not the best at it is an understatement.” Barty smirked slightly, Remus pursed his lips to hinder a smile. “I will try more.”

“You don’t have to try.” Remus shook his head. He stood up, towering over Barty as he started to pick things off the table. Barty watched him before he stood to help him.

“Sure, I don’t have to.” Barty mumbled as they cleaned up together. “But I’m gonna. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I’m done running from shit when I can’t handle them anymore. I promise.”

Remus didn’t answer right away, Barty wasn’t expecting him to either. Together they moved into the hall, getting dressed for school. They walked in silence, a little less heavy than before, but not light enough for it to be their silence.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Remus said once they were inside the school building. He didn’t look at him, just patted his arm before he left for his locker. That pat meant more than Barty would like to admit. It ached because he wished for so much more, but it was also the bridge over the chasm that Barty had created when he left Remus alone in Scotland.

He could live off small moments like that where Remus acknowledged him and showed him they were okay.

Maybe that was another problem itself.

“Aye, I know.” Barty whispered to himself as he watched after Remus. He headed with heavy steps to his own locker, not ready for another day in school. He couldn’t wait until he was done with it.

“I thought you were done with the poof.” Barty’s blood ran cold. What was Mulciber doing there? Sure, he also went to the school, but why did he always seek him? He must have been lurking around Barty’s locker.

“Obsessed enough that you’re stalking me?” Barty smirked, putting on enough cockiness to be confident as he shut his locker door. “Are you jealous, Mully-boy?”

Barty smirked even wider when he saw Mulciber’s eyebrow twitch.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I had to make sure you keep up your end of the deal.” Mulciber leaned against the lockers. Barty wanted to punch him again. He could picture when he had done it last time; he wanted to do it a thousand times over.

“What…” Barty began because he didn’t remember what deal Mulciber was talking about. “What–”

He began again, but then he remembered.

“Yeah, that’s right, baby.” Mulciber leaned over him. “Make sure I look good at practice, ‘kay?”

Mulciber patted his cheek before he walked off, whistling happily. The sound echoed against Barty’s cranium, digging holes in his brain.

He hadn’t thought the deal through, he didn’t think he would be alive to ever have to complete it. Yet, there he was, alive, and with a promise to give up his spot as star on the team.

Barty swallowed as he forced himself to walk to class like nothing had happened. His hands shook a little, he made them into fists.

He promised Remus, so he forced himself to class.

Because if he didn’t, he might start running again.

* * *

February 13th

“My whole body is so fucking sore.” Sirius groaned as he lay his head on the dining table. “Prongs, I swear, I’ll kill you.”

James just laughed at his misery, leaning back in his chair and sipping from his water bottle. Sirius glared over his arms at James which only caused him to laugh more.

“How long are we gonna do this?” Sirius sighed as he sat up straight again.

“Let’s see…” James rubbed his chin and the few hairs that he had so proudly been growing out. Sirius knew James could probably grow a good beard, he had the genetics for it, and he was trying as of yesterday. “Finals are in a month, Sundays off, that would be at least…” James started counting on his fingers. “20 days of practice, 40 sessions.”

Sirius blinked at him, staring blankly.

“That’s so much more than last year. We won last year, James. This borders madness.”

“Look at it this way, Slytherin lost for the first time in years, they’re probably practising harder than ever, so we must do the same.”

“I’m getting genuine tears in my eyes.” Sirius leaned closer, gesturing at his face. “Do you see this?”

“You’re not, your prat.” James slapped his arm. “Come on, where’s your hockey spirit?”

“Buried somewhere underneath all the exhaustion from figure skating.”

“You were so excited this morning though.” James’s face softened, his shoulders relaxing as he leaned forward to meet Sirius. He reached out and grabbed his hands. “Are you alright? I know a lot happened during the figure skating finals, and I know we talked about it a little, but I’m assuming there’s more.”

“I just feel a little…” Sirius gestured with his hands around his head like James would understand the jumble going on in there. Maybe if Sirius had been anyone else, James wouldn’t have gotten it, but they had been inseparable since they were ten, so James just nodded eagerly. “I don’t know, I think I just need to process.”

“Well, I’m here for you if you want help doing that.” James smiled, stroking the back of his hand. “Or if you need a big, strong man to finally beat up your mother.”

“Prick.” Sirius nudged him, a chuckle escaping his lips. “You’d beat up that bitch for Regulus over me.”

“For both of you.” James chuckled back. “But maybe a bit more for Regulus.” Sirius pinched James’s arm so he winced and pulled back. “Kidding.”

“You better be. You were mine first.”

“And now he’s mine.” Regulus’s voice came from the stairs. Sirius spun around in his chair to see Regulus step into the dining room. “And I’m tired and want him in bed.”

“When is it my turn to have him?” Sirius teased, putting his foot up in the chair next to him. He grinned at Regulus, who rolled his eyes.

Sirius used to hate the idea of James and Regulus together and found it hard to deal with them whenever they would be close or when James would look at Regulus the way he did, but after the figure skating finals, it really didn’t bother him anymore.

All he had needed was a few moments to see just how good they were for each other in pure chaos and everything else had clicked into place.

James promised to take good care of him, and Sirius knew that was true. He knew he would, always and forever.

“I’m not some toy to share between you two.” James laughed as he stood up. He pushed his chair in before he headed over to Regulus.

“So glad you’re not, golden youngest brother always won those toys.”

“You should head to bed too, Siri.” Regulus grabbed James’s sleeve and tugged at it. “It’s late.”

Sirius followed them up the stairs. He wasn’t as orderly as James and left his chair out.

“Hey, we could take tomorrow to rest too.” Sirius suggested as they reached the top landing.

“You know, the ice always helps me clear my head so–”

“It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, James.” Sirius shook his head at him. James’s face dropped to a somewhat shocked one.

“Wait, that’s tomorrow?”

“Yes.” Regulus giggled softly. Sirius could never get tired of that happy sound. He wished he could capture it and make sure Regulus was always happy enough to giggle. “Don’t tell me you have forgotten?”

“Oh, no, of course not!” James laughed, lying so badly that Regulus and Sirius shared a look of amusement. “I have so many things planned. Which leads me to how we probably shouldn’t practise tomorrow, Sirius. I’ll be so busy. We’ll be so busy.”

“He’s gonna need the day to come up with a way to swipe you off your feet.” Sirius elbowed Regulus, and he rolled his eyes yet again.

“He doesn’t have to try anything.” Regulus turned to James with that sickening smile that maybe Sirius wasn’t fully on board with because it just didn’t look like Regulus when he smiled like that.

Otherwise, he has no problem with Regulus and James. Clearly.

“I’m gonna head to bed now before you start making out in front of me.” Sirius wrinkled his nose as he headed towards his bedroom. “Sleep in tomorrow, let’s go. Goodnight!”

“Night, Pads.”

“Goodnight, Sirius.”

Sirius smiled as he closed the door to his room. He changed out of his clothes before he crashed on his bed. He was just getting comfortable when his phone buzzed on the nightstand.

His heart started pounding in his chest. Remus hadn’t responded to him since last night. Sirius wouldn’t say he had been thinking about that all day, but he had been thinking about it all day.

Not that what Sirius sent was a novel that needed to be responded to. It was just a ‘good’ and ‘I hope to see you on the ice again sometime’. He felt like an idiot for the second text because he already knew Remus wasn’t happy with his second place in the finals, and he worried that he might have brought up a sore subject after Remus said he was somewhat better.

And then he had slapped himself for overthinking and just sent it because that was what he would do.

And then he had waited.

And waited.

And not gotten a response.

Suddenly, not thinking felt just as dreadful as it usually did.

Sirius looked at his phone then though, and there it was, another message from Remus. Maybe he was just a slow texter, maybe something had come up. Sirius didn’t know, he just knew he had gotten a response.

You know, I really hate figure skating.

Sirius froze as he stared at the text.

No.

No way in hell.

No, that couldn’t have been…

Sirius thought back to just a few days ago, sitting on the floor of that locker room. He thought of the person on the other side of the bathroom door, crying over something. Remus was clearly having problems with Barty. Remus hadn’t handled getting second well. Remus was smart enough not to talk with his heavy Welsh accent.

And Remus was definitely a fan of his.

It had to be, but Sirius couldn’t believe it. Because if Remus was the person on the other side of that door, then he knew a lot about Sirius. Too much maybe.

Sirius swallowed as he tapped the letters on his phone.

Code word?

That would make no sense unless Remus had been there, unless Remus knew what he had said.

Yes, code word.

Sirius swallowed again, his throat feeling tight. How was it that he couldn’t stand Remus, but then, with every conversation he had with him, he felt something tug at his entire being just to be close?

You did sound like a crazy stalker in that changing room. Plus you skated to my songs…should I be worried?

Sirius stared at the screen. He rolled over and onto his stomach. He watched Remus type.

Oh, don’t worry. I’m just outside your window right now.

Sirius giggled, smiling to himself as he texted back. And then Remus texted back, so Sirius sent another one. He got a text, he sent a text, over and over until it was 2 am and Sirius’s sleep-in was out the window.

Shit, I need to sleep

Sirius sent when he realised. He hadn’t felt tired when he was texting Remus, but it all hit him as he looked at the time.

Fuck, I do too.

Sirius giggled again, kicking his feet a little. Remus had forgotten about the time too.

Text tomorrow, Lupin?

Sirius held his breath as he waited for Remus’s response.

Sure, Black. And you can call me Remus.

Sirius felt so hot that he feared he might have a fever.

And you can call me Sirius

“Remus.” Sirius whispered, tasting the name. He could repeat it over and over again. “Remus.”

He might do just that for the rest of the night.

Goodnight, Sirius.

Sirius rolled onto his back, holding his phone over his head. He stared at it for a moment before he sent.

Goodnight Remus

He smiled as he read their goodnights before he scrolled up the conversation they had about such mundane things like school and homework that still felt like the best conversation in the world.

Sirius wanted to truly know Remus, he realised as he finally turned off his phone and rolled over to his side. He wanted them to be able to talk about anything, just like they had in the changing room. Sirius had felt okay telling Remus because he didn’t know who he was talking to, but at that moment, he felt like he dared to tell Remus anything.

What if Remus had told someone though? What if he told Barty? Sirius still hated his guts. He had no idea how Remus could be friends with someone like Barty. Maybe that should be the next thing he asked. But he did also know from his last conversation with Remus that Barty was a touchy topic. He didn’t take Sirius’s questions about Barty too well.

Sirius sighed as he rolled over. If he had told Barty, Barty might have told anyone and everyone. Oh, if it got out Sirius Black was scared to be at the finals. He sighed.

Remus wouldn’t do that, Sirius would know by then if he told someone.

He tried to calm himself with those thoughts as he crawled underneath his duvet to try and fall asleep. It luckily didn’t take him long, despite everything, he was too exhausted to dwell on it anyway.

Chapter Text

February 14th

“Please, enlighten me why you pushed so hard for James and Regulus to take the whole day together if you were just gonna complain?” Evan glared at Sirius who had been following him all day. Evan didn’t mind Sirius, but they weren’t even in the same class and he still somehow found him throughout the entire school day. He was very glad it was finally over and he could go home.

“Well, I didn’t realise they would eat lunch together and be all mushy at school.” Sirius skipped where he walked next to Evan.

“And I didn’t realise you were this needy.” Evan muttered as he stopped at his locker. Sirius skipped right into Evan when he stopped. Evan shrugged him off. “Actually, that’s a lie.”

“Are you annoyed at me?” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at Evan with big grey eyes. Sirius’s eyes were such a cold colour, but somehow they still looked warm and friendly. Regulus’s eyes fell short of that, they were always sharp and cold. Though, Evan swore that he was starting to see more warmth in Regulus’s eyes than he ever had. Evan turned his attention back to his locker. “What have I done?”

“You’ve made every single person at school think we’re…” Evan gestured with his hand, glancing at Sirius like he would understand, but he only repeated the same gesture back at him. “A couple.”

“What?!” Sirius jumped back from Evan in disgust. “Ew, why would they think that?”

“Because you’ve spent the whole day, Valentine’s Day, trying to hold my hand.” Evan rolled his eyes. How thick could one be? Evan usually wouldn’t care, but there was something about the looks they had been getting that had gotten to him.

“Well, I do that with James all the time.” Sirius huffed. Evan closed his locker before he beckoned Sirius so they could leave.

“Oh, don’t get me started on those rumours.”

“What rumours? You know gossip? Okay, Evan, we need to talk.”

“They’re rumours about you, you knob.” Evan flicked his forehead. “That you’re in love with James.”

“I’m not in love with James.” Sirius gagged. “He’s my brother!”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re just in love with me.” Evan smirked. Sirius smacked his arm.

“I thought I told you already, you’re not my type.”

“And you’re not mine.”

They headed outside. It was surprisingly warm for February. Evan almost wanted to take his jacket off from how nice the sun felt on his face, but then the wind came in and nipped his nose and he ended up drawing his arms closer to his body.

Sirius’s phone buzzed, something it had also done the entire day. If Sirius wasn’t clinging to Evan, he was texting.

And he was very secretive about it too.

Sirius giggled slightly, pressing his thumbs on his phone. Evan watched him as he did. He saw his smile, how his eyes glinted. His cheeks were rosy, though, that might just be the cold.

No wonder people thought they were together if they saw what Sirius’s face looked like right then. Evan was sure it was a new hell waiting for him with all the girls who fancied Sirius. And how popular he was. Evan wasn’t nearly as well-known or interesting to anyone as Sirius was to everyone.

“I’m guessing you still don’t want to share who you’re texting.” Evan turned his head forward, looking down the road. His eyes fell on the apartment complex just ahead. The flat Evan had placed a security deposit on lay there, walking distance from school and the Potters’. A few more days and he could be allowed to move in. All that figure skating, all that saving, everything had finally fallen into place.

He would have his own place. He would be free. He smiled just thinking of it.

“No.” Sirius glared at him, hiding his phone to his chest. Evan wasn’t even trying to look.

“You do know I already know it’s Lupin, right?” Evan didn’t, but he was pretty sure it was.

And after Sirius jumped, dropped his phone, spluttered nonsense and turned beet red, he was sure he was right.

Evan smirked as he picked up Sirius’s phone, which luckily didn’t crack. Main character syndrome, Evan guessed. He handed it back to him with a smug grin. He didn’t even try to be smug, but he knew he was.

“You’re down so bad, huh, Siri?”

“Only Regulus can call me that!” Sirius pointed a finger at him. “And just shut up. I’m not anything.”

Evan snorted as they continued to walk back home. Sirius put his phone in his pocket and glared away from Evan the rest of the way. If Evan had known it was that easy to get rid of Sirius, he would have done that hours ago.

“Does anyone know?” Evan asked as they stopped outside the door to the house.

“Know what?”

“That you and Lupin are…” Evan did the same gesture he had with his hands earlier and Sirius slapped them.

“We’re not a couple!” Sirius slapped his hands again, and they stung as Evan pulled them back. “We’re friends. I think.”

“Okay, so no one knows you’re texting him?” Sirius shook his head and Evan smirked. “I’m so glad we’re best friends. I can braid your hair while you tell me all about Lupin.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and opened the door. They stepped inside and took off their jackets and shoes. Euphemia greeted them from the living room where she sat with her latest knitting project.

Sirius sprinted up the stairs and slammed his door after. Evan stared up the stairs but went into the living room instead. He took out his maths homework from his backpack and sat down next to Euphemia.

“How is Evan today?” Euphemia asked, smiling at him.

“Evan is good. Mostly.” Evan sighed as he chewed on the tip of his pencil. Euphemia carefully nudged him to stop. “Sorry.”

“Do you know what’s up with Sirius?” Euphemia asked.

“Yes, but I doubt he wants me to say.” Evan met her eyes. “I teased him a little. He’s been annoying all day, so he can pout a bit.” Euphemia narrowed her eyes slightly. “Okay, I’ll apologise.”

Evan huffed as he stood up. Euphemia patted his arm as he passed her. His shoulders relaxed instantly when she did.

“You’re good, Evan.”

“I know.” Evan sighed as he headed up the stairs. He walked down the corridor to Sirius’s door and knocked gently. “Sirius? Can I come in?”

“Yeah, fine.” Evan opened the door. Sirius was lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. “Who can’t stay away from who now, huh?”

“Look, I realise that my pushing about Lupin was unfair. I’m glad you’re friends and I didn’t mean to make you feel…embarrassed?”

“Yes, I was embarrassed!” Sirius sat up hastily. “This is the first and only guy I’ve ever liked, and I don’t know what it means, okay? I don’t need someone teasing me about feelings I don’t understand yet, I’m confused as it is.”

“I’m sorry.” Evan sighed. “I’m guessing you’re not ready to talk about it.”

“No, I’m not. And I’m sorry, Evan, but when I wanna talk about it, I’ll talk to James, who’s, you know, my best friend and in a relationship.”

“Sounds good.” Evan smacked his lips before he backed towards the door. “So, we’re good?”

“Yeah, we are. Somehow.”

Evan chuckled softly. He paused right before closing the door.

He didn’t care that Sirius wouldn’t come to him, it didn’t bother him in any way because they weren’t friends and Evan didn’t even like Sirius that much.

Or he did care.

Maybe he cared too much.

He would like to think of them as friends after everything they had been through, and he assumed Sirius did too. It wasn’t that deep really, but Evan still paused in the doorway and chewed on his lip as he thought about how much he wanted Sirius to know him.

And he concluded that, even though Sirius made his days more annoying, he did the same back, and that was their friendship.

“You do know I have been in a relationship before, right?” Evan mumbled, looking down at Sirius.

Sirius’s jaw fell and his eyes widened before he squealed. Suddenly, Evan sighed realised he did not want to discuss that with Sirius anymore. He assumed Sirius already knew since, well, most of circles Sirius hung around in did.

“That’s not just a rumour?” Sirius gasped, dragging himself across the floor and clinging to Evan’s leg. “Oh, I need to know more.”

“No, I’m not doing this with you, the same way you don’t wanna talk to me.”

“Then why did you tell me?” Sirius asked and Evan wasn’t about to admit he wanted to be closer to Sirius. Maybe he also wanted to prove that he also had knowledge in the area, but he didn’t really want to talk about that either.

And how much knowledge did he really have? It wasn’t like he was in a deep relationship like James and Regulus.

“I don’t know.” Evan shrugged. “Honestly, just forget I said anything.” Sirius nodded slowly and let go of Evan’s leg. “Oh, and please don’t say anything to Reg. I don’t think he’s heard about it.”

“Why don’t you want Regulus to know about it?”

“Because then I have to explain the whole thing and also come up with a good reason as to why I didn’t tell him in the first place, and it’s a whole process.” Evan sighed, taking a quick breath. “Just…please?”

“Okay.” Sirius nodded again. “Uhm, if you wanna watch a movie or something later, we could.”

“Sure.” Evan weighed on his feet for a moment. “After dinner?”

“Perfect.” Sirius smiled slightly, and Evan returned the smile before he closed the door and headed back downstairs.

* * *

February 14th

“So, do you have naked blokes on your phone today or what?” Barty grinned at the dinner table. Remus glanced up from the lovely conversation he was having with Sirius. The conversation he had been having the entire day. Ever since that morning, they had been texting. Sirius sent a ‘goodmorning’ and after that, it just continued. “Is that your Valentine’s present to yourself? Loads of porn?”

“No.” Remus muttered. He unwillingly shut off his phone and put it face down on the table. Barty only grinned wider.

“Who you chatting with?” Barty leaned closer on his elbows, his brown eyes digging into Remus’s soul.

“No one.” Remus looked down at his dinner instead. He had barely gotten through any of it, a little too busy with his phone.

He didn’t think it would be easy to talk to Sirius after the first exchange they had over texts, but he had been wrong. So very wrong. It just felt natural to text with him, like they had done it for years.

“Right.” Barty smacked his lips. “You’re all flustered, though, so I’m assuming it’s someone.”

“Oh, what do you know?” Remus looked back up, and Barty raised an eyebrow at him. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.” Barty looked so pleased with himself. Remus almost wished he were still angry with him so he could slap that expression off his face.

But he wasn’t angry anymore. He thought that maybe he should be, but he couldn’t. Not fault of trying - he did want to pout and glare at Barty for a few more days before he fully forgave him. Yet, there they were, just like nothing had happened.

Something had happened, though, the same way Barty could tell Remus was flustered texting even if there was little to no tell on his actual face, Remus knew that why Barty had run off was not like the other times. Or maybe it was, but it was worse. Something was worse.

But they were okay, and that was all Remus could ask for really.

“Is it that boy in your history class?” Barty asked, spinning his fork between his fingers. “What’s his name?”

“There is more than one boy in my history class, Barty.” Remus sighed, taking a bite because the sooner he finished his food, the sooner he could get out of that conversation and back to texting Sirius. “And no, it’s not.”

“You do know I will figure it out, right?” Remus knew that, Barty would either pester him until he caved or steal his phone.

Remus looked down at the table. He reached for his phone one second too late. Barty had the same thought, and he ended up with the phone in his hand.

“Woah.” Barty chuckled as he unlocked the phone. Remus’s passcode was Barty’s birthday, it had been for over a year, and Barty had known it for just as long. “Sirius Black huh? When did you get his number?”

“That doesn’t matter.” Remus snatched his phone back from Barty’s hand before he had the chance to start reading the conversation he and Sirius had had over the day because it crossed Remus’s mind that Barty would do that.

Maybe it was time Remus actually changed his passcode.

“Are you mates now?”

“I don’t know.” Remus fiddled with the edge of his phone case before he put his phone down again. Part of him expected Barty to grab it once more, but he didn’t “I guess? We’ve been texting all day, I know a lot more about his day-to-day life, but also, we’ve talked one day.” Remus went back to focusing on his food. “Besides, we have bigger things to focus on than me and Sirius.”

“Like what? I think this is the biggest thing right now.” Barty stood up, clearing off his empty plate. “I can’t stand Sirius’s guts, and you’re off making googly eyes at your phone.”

“First, I do not make googly eyes.” Remus pointed his fork at Barty, who only smirked. “Secondly, we have a money issue that’s the biggest thing. You know, since I didn’t win the finals.”

“You still got some money from second place. When is the payout for that?”

“Between a month and three months.”

“Oh shit, really?” Barty chewed on his lip a little, leaning against the kitchen counter. “Well, the money you got in December should come through soon then, no?”

“Yeah.” Remus swallowed hard, suddenly losing his appetite. Money was becoming worryingly low. They would get government funds once every month and Remus was already trying to split them in his head so they would cover everything before he got paid from his competitions. “But it’s fine. We have enough.”

Remus smiled at Barty, he knew he didn’t buy it. Remus would lie though, he would lie until the end of time if there was the tiniest chance Barty believed it.

“What do you want me to do to that?” Barty asked, pulling a hand through his hair. “Nod and smile with you? I can handle the truth, Remus. I promised you I would stay here, I won’t dip just because we’re dead poor.”

“We’re dead poor.” Remus sighed. “Almost nothing left.”

Barty nodded. He moved from where he was standing. Remus was ready to jump out of his seat.

“Relax.” Barty said, shutting off the light. “There. We don’t need electricity, do we?”

Remus stared into the darkness where Barty had been before everything went black. He blinked to try and catch his outline, but all he saw was darkness.

He heard Barty though. There was comfort in that. If he hadn’t, Remus might have lost his mind. It was something Remus would like to not venture into too far. The sudden attachment to Barty. It had always been there, but it was…no, he wasn’t thinking about that. Remus shoved those thoughts deep inside his head.

He listened as Barty dug through drawers in the kitchen. A moment later, there was a small flame as Barty lit the lighter he always had on him. He held a handful of candles in the other hand.

“Just like the Victorians, right, Rem-Rem?” Barty smirked as he lit the candles and placed them on the table. “You know, if we had still been dating, this would be a rather romantic Valentine’s.”

“Well, we both know it was also a disaster.”

“There were good parts too. Don’t forget the good parts.” Barty crossed his arms over the table. Remus pushed away his plate so he could reach his hands over the table.

“There was.” Remus placed his hands on Barty’s forearms. “This is better though.”

“I’ll clean up.” Barty pulled back, standing with haste. Remus blinked, a bit confused. “You can go back to your text conversation.”

“You do know that I’d love to spend time with you, right?” Remus didn’t move, he stared Barty down as he started clearing things. “I will always have time for you.”

“Then…” Barty looked over his shoulder. “Maybe you could read something? And I can just listen?”

Remus couldn’t help the smile on his lips. He stood up, wrapping his arms around Barty.

“Of course.” Remus inhaled the scent of Barty’s hair. “Anything you want.”

“Okay.” Barty hugged Remus back, nuzzling close to his body. A moment passed before Barty choked. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” Remus hushed, holding Barty closer. Remus wasn’t angry at Barty anymore, but Barty was still guilty. Remus didn’t know when that passed.

And maybe that was the real reason why he couldn’t stay angry.

Barty couldn’t handle it.

* * *

February 19th

“Look!” Evan sang as he spun around in the living area of the flat he had finally gotten the keys for. The one he wanted. The one. “Isn’t it perfect?”

He grinned at Regulus who looked around the small area. It was really small, it was a studio after all. Evan was okay with that. It was freedom.

“It’s very…” Regulus blinked as he turned his head, looking between the walls. “Huh.”

“Yes?”

“I like it more than I thought.” Regulus smacked his lips as he opened the door to the tiny bathroom. “I mean, it is fitting for one.”

“Oh, I’m so glad you like it.” Evan hugged Regulus, jumping in joy. He felt good, better than he had in months.

“You do know you will always be allowed to stay at the Potter House too, if you want, right?” Regulus gave him a look. Evan knew he was worried, and to be fair, Evan had given him all the reasons to be.

But Evan was very happy, finally tasting the independence and living that life.

“I know.” Evan pulled back, offering him seriousness over anything else. He was sure Regulus appreciated that. “I mean, I won’t move in for a few weeks. I still need to get the money from all the competitions I’ve done this year, as well as the finals, before I can live here full-time.”

“Buying furniture would be a good start.” Regulus teased.

“And that’s what finals money is for.” Evan rolled his eyes. He sat down on the wooden floor and leaned back on his hands, stretching his legs out. “Can’t you just picture it, though? Me, here?”

“No, I can.” Regulus remained standing, looking down at Evan with more warmth in his sharp grey eyes. It was a gradual shift, but slowly, Regulus’s eyes looked more and more like his brother’s. Evan thought the same just the other day. “I can also picture you and me here. You know, drinking tea, sitting in silence.”

“You’d visit me?” Evan smiled. He didn’t know why the thought made him so happy, but it did. Regulus was his best friend, and spending time with him just made him happy. That was the simple truth.

“No, I would come for the view.” Regulus huffed, walking three steps to look out the window. There wasn’t much of a view, just houses, more flats and a road.

“Of course, the view.” Evan slid over the floor, poking Regulus’s leg with his foot. “Love you.”

Regulus turned towards Evan just to roll his eyes before he looked back out the window. Evan watched him for a moment, knowing he was lost in some thought Evan couldn’t read off his face.

Evan wished he could. He and Regulus had spent so many years together, and Evan did have a really good read on Regulus most of the time, but there were always going to be times when he had no idea what he was thinking.

It was quiet in the flat. There was the eventual car passing outside, making a faint swooshing sound that was barely noticeable. If Evan listened closely, he could hear the neighbours upstairs walking around.

Or maybe he was imagining it - only time could tell if he had noisy neighbours or not.

“I’m proud of you, Evan.” Regulus whispered after a long while. Evan was stuck in his thoughts about neighbours that he barely registered what Regulus had said. Barely.

“Oh…” Evan swallowed. Both Euphemia and Fleamont had said they were proud of him, and while he believed it, it was somehow easier. Hearing from Regulus…Evan looked up to Regulus more than he knew. “For what?”

“For this.” Regulus turned around, crouching to the floor. He reached out and grabbed Evan’s hand. “For coming to me when you did, for living, for getting out, for winning. For everything.”

Evan fell forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Regulus’s body. Regulus fell backwards on his feet, and they both tumbled flat to the floor. Evan giggled through tears while Regulus simply shifted to hug him from the side.

“I don’t know what to say to that.” Evan whispered. He closed his eyes, shifting closer to Regulus. “I try?”

“You do good, Evan.” Regulus pressed a kiss to his forehead.

Evan felt his face heat up. He stared at Regulus like it wasn’t Regulus lying in front of him. Evan had kissed Regulus’s cheeks on multiple occasions, but never did he think Regulus would do the same back. Well, he be damned.

It felt weird. Regulus was so happy, which was obviously a good thing. A great thing. The best thing really. But he was also different. He was still Regulus, the same Regulus as always, but there was that side of him, the side with the warmer eyes and compliments and forehead kisses that Evan didn’t know yet.

Maybe no one did, maybe James did, maybe everyone did, and Evan was somehow the only one who didn’t.

“You’re odd.” Evan chuckled, shaking his head. “And stupid.”

“Oh, and you’re not?” Regulus scoffed, furrowing his eyebrows. “Maybe a mirror should be the first thing you buy.”

Regulus deadpanned and Evan couldn’t help but smile at him. They slowly sat up after, getting up from the floor.

“Well, we should probably head home.” Regulus brushed off his trousers. Evan nodded before he hugged Regulus once more when standing.

“Thank you.” Evan placed his head on Regulus’s shoulder.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You did everything.”

They stood there for another moment before they pulled apart again. They headed towards the door and Evan closed and locked up before they walked down the stairs.

“Hey, could I ask you something?” Regulus said once they were outside. It was raining lightly.

“Always.” Evan brushed some drops of water out of his hair, wiping his hand on his jacket.

“So, I heard something today, at school.” Regulus began and Evan nodded slowly, looking at his feet while Regulus spoke. “I don’t exactly engage in gossip, but someone asked me how I felt about my best friend and brother dating?”

“I knew this would come back and bite me.” Evan huffed, kicking at the pavement as he thought of Sirius chasing after him. “Your brother was lonely, so he stalked me. To an onlooker, we were cosy.”

“That is what I thought because it hasn’t exactly gone past me how Sirius is always on his phone.” Regulus shook his head. “He isn’t exactly texting you all the time.”

“I think I would change my phone number.” They walked up to the house. The door was locked and the car was gone, so Evan guessed Euphemia was out grocery shopping or running other errands. “And have you talk to your brother.”

“I finally understand how Sirius felt about me and James at first.” Regulus unlocked the door, and they stepped inside. “I think I would die if you and Sirius started dating.”

They took off their shoes and jackets and headed up the stairs.

“Didn’t Sirius try and fight James?”

“Well, yes.” Regulus paused in the doorway to his room…or Evan’s room. Evan didn’t know who the actual owner of the room was anymore. Evan slept there, Regulus didn’t. Evan had his things there, so did Regulus. Maybe it was their shared room. Maybe? “Okay, so, I don’t know exactly what he felt like, I just understand it.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t shag your brother.” Evan smirked as he pushed past Regulus into the room and plopped down on the bed.

“That thought never even crossed my mind with you.” Regulus closed the door and sat down by the desk. “If you…’shagged’ anyone, I would be confused.”

“I’d be too.” Evan giggled. He watched as Regulus took out a sheet of paper and his watercolours. “Also, the way you say shagged makes it sound like someone died.”

“Someone did die, and hopefully it was the person who came up with that word.” Regulus stood up with the cup he always kept water in. “I will be right back.”

Evan sighed as he closed his eyes. Everything was finally falling into place. It felt good. No, it felt great.

Evan felt great. That was a first really. Everything had calmed down from the finals…mostly. He still got calls from magazines wanting to do interviews with him. He accepted some, declined others. It really depended on his mood. He waited for it to blow over. Hopefully, it would soon.

Sirius said it never would. He was in the record books and that meant something, but Evan doubted it really did. Once he left the junior rankings and went up, he wouldn’t be anyone. It didn’t matter how good he was at seventeen, he wouldn’t be the best adult to skate just because he used to be successful before.

Regulus came back into the room. Evan listened as he moved around in that quiet way that was comforting. It was almost like he wasn’t there. Except he was. Evan heard the slight drag of his feet, the way he dipped his brush in the water, subtle strokes.

“Do you wanna skate this weekend?” Evan asked, breaking the silence. “We could pair skate.”

Evan opened his eyes to glance at Regulus. He stared down at his paper, focus in his posture and expression.

“I would love that.” Regulus mumbled somewhat distantly. He was there, Evan knew he was both listening and making mental notes.

“Cool.” Evan closed his eyes again. “I’ll get on giving you a fancy ring and promising not to drop you.”

“Fuck you.”

Evan smiled at Regulus’s comment, leaning back more against the pillows. Everything was great.

* * *

February 20th

“Sirius, you’re driving me insane.” James huffed, slapping his hockey stick against Sirius’s helmet. If only coach had been there and James would have gotten a scolding. “Put your fucking phone away, you don’t need to check it every ten minutes.”

“Yes, I do.” Sirius muttered, sending his response to Remus and added a text about James being a bitch and how he had to focus on practice. “There.”

He hung over the barrier and put his phone back in the bag. James slapped his butt with the stick as he hung there.

“Finally.” James exhaled mist when Sirius turned around with his stick. Sirius smacked James back on his leg before he set off in a sprint across the ice. He heard James’s skates right behind him.

James had always been fast, there was a time Sirius was faster, but he didn’t know where that time went. Maybe Sirius never improved and was stuck at the same level, while James pulled miles ahead.

Miles ahead just like he did right then. James spun around to skate backwards and Sirius had to slow down so he didn’t crash into him. James was faster forward, Sirius would always be faster backwards.

“Should we talk about the addiction to your phone?” James asked, turning with the curve of the barrier. He ended up next to Sirius.

“You have good feet, you know? Swift, elegant. I could train you in figure skating.”

“Avoiding the topic, okay.” James nodded. James fished a puck they passed while skating, gripping it with the blade. He slid it for himself, back and forth. “Is it Evan?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Sirius groaned because he was so damn tired of hearing about his and Evan’s apparent dating. “I thought we’ve been over this. Multiple times.”

“Sorry, but your enemies-to-lovers arc would go great.” James smirked, elbowing him.

“I don’t care how good it would be, I don’t like him like that.” Sirius stole the puck from James with his stick. He passed it back and they started passing back and forth. “I like someone else.”

“Eyes?”

“He has a name.” Sirius mumbled, feeling childish about how annoyed he got that James called Remus ‘eyes’.

“Right, Lupin.” James hummed. “So, you’re texting him?”

“Yeah.” Sirius stopped hard on the ice. He skated up to the middle and lined up pucks, taking shots at the goal. “And I fucking hate it.”

James stood beside him, watching how he hit his shots. He really smacked them so ice flew from the hockey stick hitting the ice. James skated and collected the pucks, passing them back when he was done.

Once James was back next to Sirius, he went again.

“Why’s that?” James asked.

“I don’t know.” Sirius muttered. “He knows me, you know? Too much. And I don’t mind telling him. I like talking to him. I’ve just never felt like that with anyone, but he probably just likes me like a friend because who falls in love with someone over just texts?”

“Uhm…you?” James said, and Sirius froze mid-shot.

“I’m not in love with him.” Sirius turned to look at James. “Like sure, I feel things for him, but that doesn’t mean…” Sirius trailed off for a moment. “James, am I in love?”

“From where I’m standing, yeah, mate, you are.”

“Fuck.” Sirius dropped his stick, clipping off his helmet because it suddenly felt suffocating. “How do you know?”

“Well, do you wanna be around him all the time? Does it hurt that you can’t? Do you think about him all the time?” James counted on his fingers as he listed things.

“Yeah, but I just thought that was normal for like a crush.”

“If you don’t know what a crush is really. Maybe?” James patted his shoulder. “Look, I know you’ve never had feelings for anyone, and it’s hard to recognise even when you have. You should have seen me when I fell for Regulus.”

“So we’re both just messes then?” Sirius chuckled slightly, pushing off with his skate so he could be held in James’s arms.

“I’d say you’re more of a mess than me, but yeah.” James sighed. “I guess we are.”

“It’s pathetic, isn’t it? I’ve had so many people ask me out over the years, and not one has interested me.”

“No, I don’t think that’s pathetic.” James pulled off his glove and placed a hand in Sirius’s hair. Sirius closed his eyes. James knew just what to do, always. That was why they were best friends. Or maybe they weren’t best friends because of that, knowing each other fully came with years spent together. Years Sirius wouldn’t trade for anything. “You have a guarded heart, it’s hard to give it out.”

“What if Remus doesn’t want my heart?” Sirius swallowed hard, the thought causing a chill to run down his spine. “What if I finally want to give it out and he stomps on it?”

“Then he’s an actual moron.” James pulled back and looked deep into Sirius’s eyes with those safe eyes. James’s eyes were just comfort. If Sirius could, he would live in them. “Because you’re amazing.”

“Thanks.” Sirius nudged James slightly. “You’re a good friend.”

“Well, I’ve dedicated my life to cheering you up.” James’s eyes looked up to Sirius’s hair, stroking down the strands to fix it in that meticulous way Sirius always did after wearing his helmet. “You and your brother. I’m just the Black happy train.”

“You’re a prat, that’s what you are.”

“Yeah, yeah.” James rolled his eyes, slapping Sirius’s head. “Sod.”

Sirius giggled before he picked up his things from the ice. Together, they cleared the ice and put all the equipment away. Sirius took his phone out when they were done, smiling at Remus’s response.

Good luck, I hope you tackle the bitch lol.

“Do you think he likes me?” Sirius asked, looking up at James.

“I mean, he does text you as much as you text him.” James shrugged as he packed up his skates. “And he is a fan of yours. Does he compliment you and stuff?”

“I mean, he calls me pretty.” Sirius said casually as he sat down to take his skates off. James gave him a look. “What? I am pretty.”

“Does he call you handsome too? And funny? And that he loves to talk to you?” James asked.

“Well, yeah, but–” James held his hand up to stop him.

“He’s flirting, Sirius.” James shook his head. “He likes you.”

Sirius paused. He stared at his phone, scrolling through the messages. Remus did compliment him a lot. Like a lot, a lot. And it was all like James said, but he thought Remus was just being friendly.

“Should I ask him?” Sirius asked James, who was apparently his relationship coach. Years Sirius had been admired and he had no idea what he was doing.

“No, you flirt back.” James facepalmed. “Honestly, Sirius, come on. That’s what you’re good at. The ‘being charming’-part.”

“Right.” Sirius nodded, thinking for a moment about what the hell he could say that would make sense in that situation. Flirt. Just flirt.

Well, if I tackle him, I’d just land on top of him, and that would be weird because the only person I wanna be on top is you lol…jk ahah

Sirius hit send without thinking too much about it because James was right, he was an expert at flirting. He did it all day, every day.

James had been reading over Sirius’s shoulder, and he snorted.

“Oh, Sirius.” James visibly cringed. “That was…a choice.”

“What?” Sirius looked back at what he had written and felt his soul leave his body. What was wrong with him? He flirted with people all the time. Plus, he had watched thousands of rom-coms, and they had taught him nothing. He made a mental note to never trust that he would act well in a situation just because he had seen a movie about it. “Oh, shit.”

Sirius shoved his phone in his bag like it was radioactive. He stared at James in horror.

“This is all your fault.” He pointed a finger at him. James raised his hands in defence.

“How is it my fault that you apparently can’t flirt with Lupin like you do with everyone else?”

“It’s your fault with all your ‘No, you flirt back’ bullshit!” Sirius buried his face in his hands. “Oh, this is a disaster. The one guy I liked!”

James shifted to hold him. Sirius shook his head in pure horror.

“I should have asked Evan for help with this.” Sirius tore his skates off and packed them up in his bag. “Fuck, James. What do I do now?”

“Maybe he’ll find it charming?”

“That I made a total fool out of myself. Okay, sure.”

“Regulus thinks I’m charming when I do that.” James smiled softly, that lovesick puppy smile. He reached up and touched the necklace Regulus had given him for Valentine’s.

It was a gold one with the Leo constellation as a charm. James hadn’t taken it off since he got it, Sirius didn’t think he ever would. That necklace and the ring would be with him in his coffin.

“Oh, I’m so happy for you and your successful relationship. I’ll just die alone and live in your attic while you and Regulus have babies and a dog!” Sirius tried to pick up his duffel bag, but the handles were tangled, so he just threw it back on the ground. “Fuck!”

Sirius threw himself to the floor, curling up into a ball. He smacked the side of his head, feeling the tears well up in his eyes.

Everything was just too much, he wasn’t even sure if his whole breakdown was about Remus. He had so much going on in his head all the time, and right then, it just felt like too much. Pressure to win the hockey finals, the breakdown from the finals, worrying about Regulus, and all his stupid feelings for Remus that made him feel like he was an entirely different person.

“Sirius.” James whispered, a hand on his shoulder. Sirius tried to slap it off because he was angry at James, it was all James’s fault, even though he was lovely and right, it was his fault. “First of all, we’d have a cat because Regulus doesn’t like dogs.”

Sirius chuckled through a sniffle because that was such a Regulus thing, and James knew Sirius too well. He knew that mentioning Regulus would work to make him feel better.

“Secondly, you won’t die alone. You’re lovely, Sirius. Many people think you’re lovely.” James nudged him to get him to look up. Sirius did, seeing James smile at him. “There isn’t one perfect guy for you, and if Lupin somehow is the one, then you’ll still get together. One little text won’t stop…fate.”

“You hated saying that, didn’t you?” Sirius sniffled, wiping at his face.

“I was so close to gagging.” James helped Sirius up. “Come on, let’s head home. We can steal Dad’s ice cream afterwards.”

“Oh, I think I need it, I’m a desperate case.” Sirius leaned his head on James’s shoulder as they started walking together.

“You might be the definition of a desperate case.”

“Thanks, man.” Sirius sighed.

“Always.”

It was dark and wet as they walked back home. Sirius hung over James, clinging to him because he was in need of that comfort.

“I don’t think Regulus likes my beard.” James said and broke the silence. Sirius snorted at his reflection.

“You’ve just realised?” Sirius could tell Regulus didn’t like it. James had just grown out the hair on his chin, and while Sirius thought it suited him, Regulus…well…He just gave James a look that Sirius was so sure meant ‘shave the beard’.

“I like it.” James puffed his chest out a little. “Mum said I look good in it too.”

“Well, Regulus doesn’t like change, he’ll come around. You do look sexy as hell.”

“Hey, now you’re jumping around the line of okay things to say to your best friend.”

“I crossed that line when we started sharing a bed.” Sirius chuckled.

James laughed hard at that, the sound echoing among the empty outside. Sirius smiled just from his laugh.

They reached the house. Sirius distracted Fleamont and Euphemia where they sat in the living room, while James snuck the ice cream out of the freezer.

“Okay, goodnight.” Sirius smiled and waved when James tapped his shoulder.

“Night, Mum. Night, Dad.” James called from behind Sirius before they ran up the stairs, giggling.

Sirius and James headed into Sirius’s room because Regulus was most likely asleep in James’s bed.

They sat down on the floor, cross-legged and opened the tub. James handed Sirius a spoon, and they started scooping the ice cream. Sirius groaned as he leaned back against his bed.

“Now this, this is happiness.” Sirius pointed with the spoon at the tub, mouth full of chocolate ice cream that tasted like a dream. Fleamont bought it for himself, for when he had a long day or when his sweet tooth acted up. James and Siriust stole it every once in a while for the same reasons.

“I know.” James hummed, taking another spoonful of ice cream. “So when are you checking your phone?”

“What?” Sirius turned to James and stared at him like he was insane. Because he was. What did he mean by that? There was no way in hell Sirius was ever checking his phone again. He would survive without a phone from now on. “You’re mad.”

“Fine.” James grabbed Sirius’s bag and dug through it for his phone. Sirius dove to get it out of James’s hands when he found it.

“James! No!” Sirius tried to climb up on him to use his weight to knock James to the floor, but he just ended up sitting in his lap because Sirius was too light and James was too strong.

And tall.

He held the phone above Sirius’s head and he physically couldn’t do anything other than watch as James unlocked his phone.

“Holy shit.” James’s eyes widened and his face deepened in colour. “Uhm…wow.” James put the phone on the floor. “I need more ice cream.”

“What did it say?” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows as James shifted to get Sirius off. He took the tub and stared into it as he ate. “James?”

“Not reciting it.” James shook his head. “No way.”

Sirius reached for his phone, picking it up. He unlocked it and the message app popped up since James never closed it.

And right there on the screen was Remus’s response.

Sirius felt his whole body burn.

Well, I’m usually on top, but I wouldn’t mind having you on top of me, cowboy xx

Sirius stuttered as he tried to come up with anything to say back to that. He melted like an ice cube, lying on the floor with an empty head and his body on fire.

“I think thanks are in order.” James smirked as he tapped Sirius’s nose with his cold spoon. “Flirting back worked, even if it looked like it was about to be a full-on disaster.”

“Mhm.” Sirius swallowed over and over. How did he end up there, like that? How was he supposed to make fun of James being lovesick if he couldn’t handle it? “But James…”

Sirius paused as the thought formed in his head. He sat up, his hands shaking a little.

“What if he just wants to sleep with me?” Sirius glanced at James who paused mid-eating.

Sirius watched as he swallowed the ice cream in his mouth before he rubbed his chin beard, thinking.

“I don’t know. I’d like to say he’s been texting you consistently for days and that means something, but I don’t know Lupin. I don’t know his motives. I know he is a bit of an arse, but I also know Regulus likes him. Reg is a pretty good judge of character.” James chewed on his lip for a moment. “I guess don’t sleep with him until you’re sure he’s on the same page as you.”

“And how do I know if he is?”

“Okay, Sirius, I’m not some wizard, I don’t have all the answers.” James exhaled as he passed the ice cream back to Sirius. He accepted it and took a few spoons. “Just ask him.”

“Are you daft?!” Sirius exclaimed, spitting ice cream when he did. James wiped it off his glasses which took most of the hit. “If he just wants sex, he’s obviously gonna say he doesn’t so he can bed me.”

“I did start that sentence with ‘I don’t have all the answers’.” James shook his head. “I don’t know anymore, Sirius. I’m tired and I’ve given you loads of wisdom. We can continue this later.”

James stood up, Sirius followed quickly, grabbing his arm.

“You can’t leave me. What am I supposed to say back? He proposed I ride him, James.”

“I know, I can read.” James pulled a hand through his hair. “Just apologise for being too forward or something. Say you wanna take it slower. He’ll get it.”

“Oh, I’m such an idiot.”

“Yeah, I never said you weren’t.” James patted Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius hugged him and buried his nose in James’s neck. James sighed before he kissed Sirius’s head. “It’ll be okay, you’ll figure it out. I promise.”

“If you say so.” Sirius sighed, thinking about how to salvage the conversation and relationship he was hoping to achieve.

* * *

February 20th

“I shouldn’t have flirted like that. I scared him.” Remus groaned in Barty’s arms. They had gone back to sleeping in the same bed after everything that happened during and after the finals. It was mostly Remus’s idea, he just needed Barty close. He missed him when he wasn’t, panicked about where he could be. Just another trauma to add to Remus’s ever-growing library of things he wasn’t thinking too long about. “Oh, I’m so stupid.”

“Come on, he sent a sexual comment, your move should be to send one back.” Barty rubbed circles on his back. “Besides, he could still be skating.”

“It’s almost eleven, Barty.” Remus looked up, deadpan.

“And you haven’t skated late into the night before?” Remus huffed, hating that Barty made sense. He didn’t want him to make sense, even though Barty could be surprisingly good at that. “Or he just forgot. He could have been tired. Literally anything, Remus.”

“I was too forward. What if he thinks I just want to sleep with him? What if he just wants sex? What if–”

“Geez, fucking calm your tits, mate.” Barty slapped the back of Remus’s head. “Your text was great. So what if he thinks you just want a hook-up? What’s the big deal? You’re just crushing on him.”

Oh, Barty. Poor, innocent Barty. Well, innocent was so far off what Barty was, but he had no idea what Remus felt for Sirius. He wasn’t even close.

“And if he just wants to sleep with you, that’s great. Hook-ups are great!” Barty sighed, that dreamy exhale he had. “Fuck, I want a hook-up. I haven’t had sex in so long.”

“It hasn’t been that long.”

“Almost three months, it’s too long.” Barty shook his head. “The only time I had a longer streak of no sex was when we were dating.”

Barty elbowed Remus like he would find his joke funny, but he didn’t. The reason they didn’t have sex wasn’t funny, even if Barty thought he could joke about it.

“I’m kinda…” Remus paused to think exactly how to phrase his next few words. “Hoping for more with Sirius.”

“You do?” Barty furrowed his eyebrows like that thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. It was a bit shocking considering how much Remus was thinking about it. He couldn’t get Sirius out of his head. He couldn’t get the thought of dating Sirius out of his head. “Well, fuck him so well he falls for you, you are very capable.”

“So romantic, Barty. Really, you should be a marriage therapist.” Remus rolled his eyes. He wiggled out of Barty’s arms and sat up against the headboard. “I told him I usually top. I called him a fucking cowboy.”

“I know, I read it.” Barty smirked as he jumped up next to Remus. “Do you want actual advice?”

“Yes!” Remus turned to stare at him. “You’ve had actual advice this entire time?!”

“Woah, no need for yelling, I was enjoying your misery. It’s very funny.”

“It’s not funny to me, Barty.”

“Well, Rem-Rem, it’s great.” Barty chuckled. He patted Remus’s thigh and Remus narrowed his eyes at him. “Right, just send a text, saying you got carried away and that you feel like you went too fast and then, done.”

Remus paused. That wasn’t bad advice. He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he hadn’t even thought of that, but it was good. It might even be great.

“I can do that.” Remus picked up his phone from the nightstand. He still hadn’t gotten a text from Sirius. He thought for a moment, and just as he was about to start typing, he saw those three dots show up to show Sirius typing. “Fuck.”

Remus grabbed Barty’s hand and held his breath as he watched Sirius type.

“If this turns into a whole sexting session, can I stay and watch?” Remus smacked Barty’s hand before he grabbed it again. “I was just asking, you don’t need to hit me.”

Yes, he did. Remus didn’t respond though, he was a bit too busy holding his breath and waiting for Sirius’s reply.

And then it came through.

Hi, Remus, uhm…so I kinda feel like we went a bit quick there. I do wanna keep talking to you and all that, but I don’t think we should jump straight to…yeah sorry

“Well, would you look at that?” Barty wasn’t even subtle when he read from Remus’s phone. He was practically leaning over it, blocking part of Remus’s field of view. “Seems like he’s not in this for just sex, he fancies you.”

“Yeah…” Remus swallowed hard. Sirius liked him. Sirius liked him. “Shit.”

“Send something back. Poor bloke might panic like you if you don’t respond.”

“Right.” Remus started typing out a text, telling Sirius basically the same things back. He apologised for being forward, how he liked the pace they had going, and how he wanted to go at a slow pace. He hit send when he was done. “Okay, I can breathe again.”

“Glad you didn’t suffocate.” Barty hopped down in bed, sliding under the duvet. “Now, I have a long day tomorrow sucking Mulciber’s cock and I need energy for that.”

“You’re doing what?” Remus paused. Barty didn’t open his eyes and just lay still. “Talk to me.”

“Not today.” Barty rolled over. “Later.”

Remus chewed his lip, ready to protest, but decided it wasn’t worth it. He needed to trust Barty not to do something stupid, and that started with baby steps.

“Fine.” Remus slid down into bed too. His phone buzzed again and he engaged back in his nightly conversation with Sirius. It felt good.

Everything felt okay again.

Chapter Text

February 21st

“There you are, Bee.” Mulciber grinned, hanging an arm over Barty’s shoulders. He tensed from both the awful nickname and the way he touched him. There were no words to express how much he fucking hated Mulciber. “I was worried you were skipping today.”

“I just got held back after class.” Barty mumbled. He sat down and got Mulciber off himself in the process. He started lacing up his skates. “But I’m here. Ready.”

“Good.” Mulciber patted his cheek. “We wouldn’t want you missing practice, not when you’ve been fucking it so badly. You need it more than anyone, right?”

Barty took a deep breath as he did everything in his power to remain seated and get off his shoes. It took every bone in his body working against all natural reflexes Barty had not to slap Mulciber’s hand away as he played with the back of his mullet.

“Alright, boys?” Slughorn came up to them.

“Peachy.” Mulciber took his hand off Barty and smiled sweetly at Slughorn. The tooth he knocked out last year missed in his smile, and Barty wanted to punch another one out so he could have more tooth gaps. Maybe one day. “I’m just giving Crouch a pep talk, I think he needs it.”

“You’ll do well today, Barty. The nerves will drop, just play your best, it’s still long until finals.” Slughorn cheered before he blew his whistle.

“Long until the finals.” Mulciber helped Barty up. “So much time to muck up more, ay, love?”

“Aye.” Barty nodded slowly, getting his helmet on. He grabbed his stick and followed Mulciber out on the ice. “So much time.”

Barty continued the practice like he had the last couple of times. By tripping over his club, passing wrong, hitting far away from the goal, and tackling people in Mulciber’s way so he looked like a literal god.

It was vile, Barty hated it. He had never hated anything more, and that said a lot because he had a burning hatred for his father. Maybe his hatred for his father was worse, but Mulciber being an absolute dickhead was a close second.

“Take five.” Slughorn called about halfway through practice. “Barty.” He waved Barty over, and Barty followed. “Okay, I know I said you have time, but this isn’t you.”

“I’m just having an off week, sir. A lot has happened.” Barty mumbled, which technically wasn’t even a lie. A lot had happened. “If you don’t trust it, put Mulciber as a starter instead.”

It hurt. It physically hurt to suggest something like that. Barty had to force the words out, and they came out sounding somewhat normal, like that was something he believed in. That if Mulciber were a starter, the team would be better.

“And not have my star?” Slughorn laughed, patting Barty’s back. Barty turned his head away. The praise felt good, Slughorn wouldn’t break just because Barty couldn’t play. Barty was the whole reason they lost last year, and he was still Slughorn’s number one. Still his star. Still in his collection.

“Look, I fucked it last year, I don’t wanna do that again.” Barty raised his voice a little, he didn’t mean to, he just did it. “I fuck everything, and I’m tired of it. You see me out there. Just…I’m not worth it.”

Slughorn didn’t laugh that time. He nodded slowly. Barty couldn’t face his disappointment. There was something about Slughorn that Barty had always loved. He was annoying and he had that aura to him that was just odd, but Slughorn was a great coach. He had the touch for it, and while he was a bit too stuck on his favourite players and improving them, he did run a tight shift.

And Barty had always been able to talk to Slughorn about everything. Shit happened, Barty would tell him. He knew about Barty’s life; he knew why Barty had his off weeks and his outbursts, hell, he was the first to know when he and Remus broke up because they had a game just a few days later.

So, to not tell Slughorn he was being blackmailed was painful, because Barty already knew Slughorn would do something about it. Maybe he was the closest Barty had ever come to a father figure. Slughorn wasn’t a great one, Barty could acknowledge that, but he was better than what Barty had.

“Okay, Barty, I hear you.” Slughorn hummed thoughtfully. Barty stared down at his skates while he waited for Slughorn to tell him he should get off the ice and Mulciber would be starter, and that was all he needed and wanted right then really. “But I don’t agree. You are worth it, you’re one of my best players. And if you don’t see that, that’s okay. It’s my job to make you see it. And if you feel like this, like you’re not good enough to be a starter, then it’s my job to tell you that you are. You’re on my team, my rules, and you’re gonna open as a winger against Gryffindor no matter what.”

Barty froze for a moment. Well, fuck. He really had two choices: continue to play like shit and do good by Mulciber, or play well and make Slughorn proud.

He tried to get Mulciber into the starter pool, but it didn’t work. That wasn’t Barty’s fault. Seventeen days and then it was game day. Seventeen days to make his decision.

“Thanks, Coach.” Barty swallowed, glancing up at him. “I think I needed to hear that.”

Slughorn reached out and patted his back again. A moment later, and Barty was back out on the ice. Barty’s hands felt clammy inside his gloves, his entire body felt cold from sweat. He wasn’t even sure if it was sweat from practice or just sweat from the situation.

“I don’t like how you still get all cuddly with Sluggy like that.” Mulciber frowned, coming up by his side. “Do me a favour and stop having one-on-ones with him.”

“I tried to talk you up.” Barty scoffed, skating a bit faster because he was annoyed and he couldn’t stand being close to Mulciber any longer. One more minute and he would smash his stupid head against the barrier until his nose broke and his skull cracked open.

Barty shook his head to try and rid himself of all of those…thoughts. They weren’t exactly what he wanted for his day. Or needed for that matter.

It was really all just a lose-lose situation. Just like always. There was never any winning for Barty.

He sighed as he lined up at the sound of Slughorn’s whistle, already knowing he was too much of a coward to go against Mulciber.

* * *

Barty was exhausted when he made his way home in the evening. For so many different reasons. Remus spent most of his evenings with Hope, and he came home after they closed for visitors. He should already have been home for a while when Barty came home.

The door was unlocked, and he just walked right inside, dropping everything in the hall before he made his way through the house.

He could hear Remus’s voice from his room. The door was shut and he also heard Sirius’s voice from the phone speaker when he listened for it. Great.

That was Barty’s second pain in the arse. He was happy for Remus, he really was, but he hated Sirius, so having to share Remus’s time with Sirius was…well, it didn’t sit well with Barty.

He wouldn’t say he was jealous, but…

“Hey!” Barty burst into the room. “Oh, sorry, didn’t realise you were on the phone.”

“It’s fine.” Remus chuckled. “Hold on a moment, Sirius, I’ll call you back.”

Remus hung up on Sirius, smiling at Barty.

“So, you’re chatting on the phone now?” Barty asked nonchalantly because he could be nonchalant, he didn’t care. He walked over to the wardrobe and looked through it for anything to wear to bed because that was his priority. “I’m gonna shower, eat and crash. Do you want me in here? I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa.”

“Barty, we should talk.”

“About what?” Barty spun around, a sweet smile on his lips. “Sleeping arrangements?”

“No, this.” Remus gestured to Barty. All of Barty. Like he was the problem. Well, he was the problem, but Remus didn’t like it when he said that he was. He could gesture, but Barty couldn’t state it out loud. It was unfair really. “Something’s off.”

“I’m good, Remus.” Barty turned back to the wardrobe. “Great even.”

“You said yesterday, you were gonna suck Mulciber’s cock.”

“I did, he’s got a wide one.” Barty muttered, his mood turning even more sullen. “Thick old head. I’d love to bite it off.” Barty grabbed clothes and a towel before he spun back to Remus with a smile. “Okay, the shower calls me name.”

Barty left the room. He heard Remus follow him, he wasn’t deaf, nor was he stupid. He knew Remus would. He tried to lock himself in the bathroom before Remus could catch up, but Remus had long legs, and Barty was carrying things. Remus placed a hand in the doorway and Barty groaned.

“I’m worried.” Remus glared as he forced the door open.

“When are you not?” Barty rolled his eyes, taking off his top. He hoped it would scare Remus away if he got naked, but it didn’t. Barty removed article after article of clothing, but Remus didn’t even flinch. “Fine.”

Barty huffed in just his pants. He sat down on the toilet lid. Remus leaned in the doorway, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.

“He’s blackmailing me to do shit at practice so he’ll get the star spot.” Barty crossed his arms back at Remus, but for a different reason.

“He’s what?”

“Well, I needed drugs, Mulciber wanted something in exchange, I wasn’t thinking.”

“Oh, how you test me, Barty.” Remus put his head in his hands. “So you’ve just been walking around doing Mulciber favours and feeling more miserable?”

“It sounded like a great idea last week, okay? If you have complaints, take them up with me depression.”

“I will.” Remus rubbed his temples, closing his eyes. “I guess I could report it to Slughorn.”

“No!” Barty jumped up on his feet. “You can not say anything to him! Or anyone! This is serious, Remus. If Mulciber finds out Sluggy knows, he’ll know I did something.”

“But you wouldn’t be, I would.”

“Aye, but when Mulciber asks me how Slughorn knows, I’ll say it was me.” Barty growled. “I’ll not let that fucker do anything to you again.”

“I can take it, Barty.” Remus shook his head. Barty took a step closer to him, staring up as he towered over him.

“Remus, I know Mulciber has been cruel to you before, but this is different.” Barty sighed. He busied himself with dragging his hands down Remus’s arms. Maybe he was straightening out his jumper sleeves, but he was mostly just playing with the fabric as a distraction. “He’d beat you up.”

“You don’t think I’ve been beaten up before?”

“That’s not the point.” Barty gripped his arms, holding him as if he was scared he would slip away. “If Mulciber hurts you, it’ll be my fault. I can’t take that. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

Remus stepped closer, hugging Barty. He placed his head on top of his head, and Barty nuzzled into his body. Barty just fit there, he felt safe there.

Some things never changed.

“Okay, I’ll let you handle it.” Remus whispered. “But don’t do anything stupid.”

“When have I ever?” Barty snorted, taking a step back. He fully undressed before he jumped into the shower. He had no shame around Remus, he had seen everything. He was still self-conscious, sure, but he really had no reason to be around Remus. It wasn’t like they were dating anymore and Barty had to look his best.

“Do you want me to make a list?” Remus chuckled from outside the shower curtain. Barty smiled as the water hit him. It felt nice, he had been sweaty from practice. “I can’t exactly list it on my fingers.”

Barty peeked his head out, glaring at Remus. “Now you’re just being rude.”

“You smoke, you drink, you’ve done drugs.” Remus began, raising a finger for each thing. “You’ve gotten suspended, you’ve run away, you’ve punched through a window, you’ve smashed your phone, you’ve broken your arm.”

“The arm was not my fault!” Barty exclaimed, huffing as he washed his body. “We both know that.”

“Okay, you also broke your hand.”

“More my fault, still, I think a lot of those things are not on me.” Barty finished washing off, jumping out of the shower. He wrapped himself in a towel, grinning at Remus where he stood leaning against the wall. “You’re not some saint either, you know? You’re stupid too.”

“Never said I wasn’t, though, you can list my stupid things on one hand.”

Barty started counting in his head. Well, there were all the parties Remus went to. That was how they met after all. So, one. He flipped up a finger.

Then, he had slept with Barty without even telling him his name. Maybe that said more about Barty, but it was still dumb. Two.

“Uhm…” Barty played with the two fingers he held up. Remus had gotten stupidly drunk on the day of the accident. Barty had shoved his fingers in Remus’s throat for that one, so three.

He had agreed to smoke weed on his birthday. Four. He had let Barty give him a blowjob in public. Five.

Barty bit his lip, looking at the five fingers on his hand, and then back up at Remus as if seeing his face would give him more ideas about what stupid shit he had done.

“Oh, you started smoking!” Barty flipped up a sixth finger. “Aha! I win.”

“Sure, Barty.” Remus shook his head. “You win.”

Barty gloated in triumph after proving Remus wrong. Remus left the room and Barty got dressed again. When he went into Remus’s room, he was back on his phone.

“I’ll sleep on the sofa.” Barty smiled softly as he watched Remus type away, probably asking if he could call Sirius back up again. “You have fun.”

Remus looked at him, some type of panic in his eyes. Barty hugged him tightly.

“I’m happy for you, Rem-Rem.” Barty whispered.

“Thank you.” Remus kissed the top of his head. “Goodnight.”

“Night.” Barty waved before he closed the door. He went out on the sofa and set it up to sleep on.

He then went into the kitchen to eat. He brushed his teeth when he was finished. When he lay on the sofa later, ready for sleep, he could hear Remus talking in the background.

Talking and laughing.

Barty smiled. He may hate Sirius, but he loved Remus.

And Remus deserved to have someone who made him laugh. Even if that person was Sirius Black.

* * *

February 22nd

“And he’s so funny.” Sirius swung with his head while chopping the vegetables Euphemia had set out for him. He had been happily chatting about Remus the entire time because Remus was all he could think of. Everything made him think of Remus, even if he tried not to think about him. “Like yesterday when we were phoning, he said–”

Sirius turned around and paused as he found Euphemia staring at him with a soft smile. Her brown eyes shone in that lovely way they always did when she was smiling.

“What?” Sirius blinked, his shoulders falling as he held eye contact.

“You’re just so adorable.” Euphemia reached out and patted his cheek. Sirius instinctively put his head towards her palm, feeling her soft skin against his cheek. Safety and home, that was what Sirius thought in that moment. “I’m also so glad you have found someone who makes you so happy.”

“Well…” Sirius felt his face heat up. “We’re just friends.”

“For now.” Euphemia laughed happily before turning back to stirring the pot on the stove.

“Oh, shush. We’re taking things one step at a time. Slowly.” Sirius turned back too, picking up the knife again. “Besides, we live so far apart. It could never work. You know how I am.”

“Do you mean clingy?”

“Yes, but not in those words.” Sirius finished cutting the vegetables and put them all in a bowl. “Clingy makes me sound desperate for affection.”

“Sirius, there is nothing wrong with wanting physical affection.” Sirius turned back around, leaning against the counter as he watched Euphemia work. “It’s your love language, it’s how you show love. Ever since you were little, it has been.”

“Yeah, and that’s why I don’t think we’d work.” Sirius mumbled. “Like I love talking to him, and he makes me feel all…weird. And James said it’s love, so you know, I’m probably in love with him. But how will we ever have a relationship if I can’t be close to him?”

Euphemia set down the ladle and turned the stove down. She turned back around again and reached out, placing her hands on Sirius’s arms. Euphemia was right, Sirius’s love language was physical touch. Both to give and receive. He really wasn’t surprised that Euphemia knew him so well.

“Monty and I met in high school.” Euphemia began as if Sirius didn’t know that. They fell in love at fifteen and had been together since. “His family moved, though, as we started college. I was still up north while Fleamont moved to London. He used to travel almost every weekend, doing homework on the train up so he could spend all the time with me. Three years he did that until we both finished college and moved in together.”

“Yeah? So?”

“So, Fleamont and I didn’t have it easy, we spent money and effort to make our relationship work, but now we’ve been married for many years and never looked back.” Euphemia smiled. “If you’re meant to be, Sirius, you make it work. You just have to decide if it’s worth the effort. Fleamont decided I was worth the effort, and therefore, he went the extra mile. And we didn’t have your nifty technology back in our time.”

“You’re right, the landline wasn’t even invented in your time.” Sirius smirked.

“I know I’m old, but I’m not that old.” Euphemia glared in that playful way that wasn’t really a glare. “It’s good that you’re taking it slow, let yourself feel. It’s easier to understand what you’re feeling when you take your time to feel it.”

“I feel a lot.” Sirius sighed, stepping closer so he could get a hug. Euphemia didn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around him. “What if I tell him and it scares him?”

“Then he scares too easily.” Euphemia pressed a kiss on his cheek. “If it’s meant to be, it will all click into place.”

“Thanks, Effie.” Sirius melted into the hug. He had needed someone to tell him everything she did. James was good at helping him, but Euphemia was better. Maybe one day James would reach her levels of comfort and wisdom, it wouldn’t surprise Sirius if he did.

“Of course, dear.” Euphemia pulled back. “Now, let’s set the table so you’re not late for hockey practice.”

* * *

February 26th

“How’s your mum?” Barty asked. He leaned against the locker next to Remus’s. He was getting ready to head over and visit her while Barty had hockey. Hockey, sleep, and repeat, that was Barty’s life. He could maybe add making a fool out of himself to the list.

“She’s doing well.” Remus hummed, closing the locker door. “Remembering more and more, she’s not as tired anymore either. They said she’d be exhausted for a bit, so I think she’s out of the worst part.”

“That’s good.” Barty nodded slowly. “Do you know when she’ll be released yet?”

“No, and no one can give me a concrete timeframe either.” Remus sighed. He beckoned for Barty and he followed as they walked down the corridor. “Hopefully soon. It would be nice to have some normal back.”

“Hey, I was thinking…” Barty paused, stopping and forcing Remus to do the same. “Uhm, when you’re mum gets back, where am I supposed to go?”

“You’ll stay with us?” Remus furrowed his eyebrows like that was the most obvious thing in the world. To Barty, it wasn’t, though. He didn’t know if Hope wanted him there. He didn’t want to intrude on their life because it was already hard to be in Remus’s life. He wasn’t exactly loved by parents. “Barty?”

“Aye, sure, but what if she doesn’t want me there?” Barty looked down at the floor because he couldn’t really handle the way Remus was looking at him. That very desperate look that really screamed ‘I need you’. That look that Barty always tried to ignore so he could live in his self-loathing. Maybe that was one of Barty’s many, many problems really. “What if she thinks I’m just trouble? What if she takes one look at me and decides I’m a bad influence? Which would be fair, I mean, look at me, Remus. She wouldn’t be wrong to not want me around.”

“Well, I talk about you, so she knows who you are. She knows you matter to me. I can’t think she’d ever say you couldn’t stay.” Remus stepped closer. Barty could see his feet come into his field of vision. “She’s a good person, you know?”

“I know.” Barty looked up, meeting Remus’s light brown eyes again. They were a little worried. “I just have bad experience. People see me, and they see the way I dress, the fights, and the fact that I never shut up. I bet they think, ‘Not him. Not around my kid’.”

“You do know I won’t let that happen.”

“It’s not about that. I know you wouldn’t just agree to have me thrown out or something, but like…” Barty paused, rubbing the back of his neck. “I like to be wanted, so when I’m not, I don’t wanna stick around.”

“You promised me you wouldn’t run away again.” Remus’s face suddenly got very serious. Barty had really fucked him up, hadn’t he? He had done something he couldn’t take back, and it haunted Remus more than either of them admitted. Remus hadn’t said it, Barty sure as hell wouldn’t bring it up, so it was just there, like another fact of life.

Barty had traumatised his best friend.

He deserved an award for how fucking shitty he could be. That award was the worst of them really.

“And I won’t, Rem-Rem.” Barty stepped forward and hugged him because it was all he could think to do. “I just…I’m scared.”

“It hasn’t even happened yet. Nothing has happened. Can’t we just stay in the moment for a bit? I’m tired of always planning everything.”

“You’re an overthinker, it’s kinda in the job description.” Barty chuckled, closing his eyes to do just what Remus said and stay in the moment. “I’m sorry for bringing up issues I thought you might wanna get ahead of.”

“No, they’re valid. It makes sense.” Remus pulled back. “I should get going, and so should you. Early practice today, right?”

“Aye, I’ll be home before you, so I’ll make dinner.” Barty smiled faintly. “Which we both know will just be grilled cheese.”

“It’s perfect.” Remus smiled back. “See you in a bit.”

Barty waved before he watched Remus leave the school. He sighed before he headed for the arena, ready to face whatever hell waited for him.

The cold hit him as he stepped through the door. The cold hit him, and then Mulciber appeared. He was like a fucking bloodhound. How the hell did he even know he was there? Barty was already early, so why was he there?

“Hello, pupper.” Mulciber patted his head like he was an actual dog. He might prefer ‘Bee’ over ‘pupper’. “How was school? I saw you in the hallway before lunch. Are you skipping again?”

“Does it matter?” Barty huffed, pushing past Mulciber. The ice was already broken. Mulciber must have already gotten on it. He finished at the same time as Remus, so he must have skipped as well to be there at that time. Fucking hypocrite. “Anything special you wanted from me?”

“Glad you asked.” Mulciber sat down on one of the benches, patting the spot beside him. Barty fell in the seat, kicking off his shoes so he could get his skates on. “You see, I asked Sluggy if I could be a starter for the Gryffindor match, and he said no.”

“Bummer. What more do you want me to do?” Barty bent down, putting his feet in his skates. “I’m doing terribly at practice, I asked Slughorn to make you a starter, I’ve made you look fucking amazing with the way you score, so what else is there you can possibly ask of me?”

“I want you to break your arm again.” Mulciber spoke like it was the most common request in the world. Like that was the most reasonable thing he had asked of Barty.

Meanwhile, Barty felt his heart beat faster. He felt that same adrenaline he had when he bolted out of his room that summer, halting to get down the stairs. He felt the push in his back, he heard his arm crack, he tasted blood in his mouth.

“Ya’re fucking deranged.” Barty spat. “Ya can’t possibly think I’ll break me arm for ya.”

And only after, when the words hung in the air, did he realise his accent had broken through. His voice took on an accent he didn’t even think he had in him naturally anymore. He sounded Welsh.

How much was he breaking?

Even Mulciber looked confused for a second before he continued like nothing had happened. Barty swallowed hard, forcing himself to continue the same.

“Then pretend it’s broken. I want you off the ice.” Barty felt Mulciber’s hand on his neck. He dug his fingers into it, leaning close to Barty’s ear. “Otherwise, I’ll just break it myself.” Barty felt Mulciber’s breath on his cheek. “You got that, pupper?”

“Aye.” Barty swallowed because he didn’t know what else to do. Mulciber would break his arm off, and as much as Barty wanted to believe he could take him, if anyone else on the team walked in on them fighting, they would help Mulciber.

And he could get suspended again.

Or worse.

Barty was trying to be good, to turn over a new leaf. He was also trying to become someone Hope wouldn’t immediately dismiss once she got to go back home, so, he accepted it.

“I’ll think of something.” Barty muttered, rolling his shoulder to finally release the grip Mulciber had on his neck.

“That wasn’t too hard, huh?” Mulciber patted his back before he stood up. While Mulciber skated out on the ice, Barty got his hockey gear on. He didn’t care to go to the changing room, he already knew most of the team would be there.

Barty used to have friends there, fit in there, but recently, things were not the same.

Nothing was.

It all started with Remus, but it ended with Mulciber. Barty still valued Remus’s friendship higher, even if it was hard for him to accept sometimes. Or all the time.

Everything was just so fucking hard all the time.

“Hey, Bee.” Mulciber stopped by the barrier. He hung his arms over it, grinning in that foul way he did. “Your back’s looking better. Did daddy stop beating you?”

“Very funny.” Barty put on his gloves, tugging at the back of his hockey shirt just to make sure it was fully down. He was sure Mulciber saw nothing, that he just spoke to rile him up. And it worked. Of course, it did. Barty grabbed his helmet and stepped out on the ice. He clipped it on while skating.

“You must have known we as a team chatted about it?” Mulciber joined his side. “Nothing goes unnoticed. Same about your leg. That you ever get laid is a miracle. No wonder the fag dumped you.”

“Do you want me to hit you?” Barty gritted his teeth. He took a larger stride, almost losing his balance in his frustration. Mulciber grabbed his arm to keep him upright. Barty shoved him off. “Look, I know I promised to make you the fucking star, but I said nothing about your verbal abuse, aight?”

“Oh, but you’ll take it.” Mulciber smirked, his stupid fucking smirk that showed his teeth. “Because you can’t do anything.”

Barty swallowed hard. Hard enough to swallow his voice because he was sure his voice would carry every insult in the dictionary if he spoke. He wouldn’t stop either, the words would just pour like water.

There was a whistle, Slughorn’s whistle. It pulled Barty out of his head. He saw Slughorn by the barrier and he skated over. The rest of the team was making way there too. Some were running late, Barty looked in the gaps between everyone there.

Slughorn did too, counting the missing players. They all knew what that meant.

“Line drills! Five for each missing one, so twenty! Move it!” Slughorn ordered. The ice was cluttered with players, skates and sticks hitting the ice.

They lined up, skating fast over the ice, mostly in sync. Barty felt the urge, it tingled in his entire body. He wanted to push more, he wanted to be faster than everyone because he was faster. He was one of the fastest on the team. It was why he was such a good winger.

But, just as he took a longer stride, when he felt his speed pick up, he also felt Mulciber’s glare somewhere. He wasn’t even sure if it was real at that point or if it was just in his head. Either way, it was real enough for him to slow down.

He found a slower-than-usual rhythm. Skate, turn, skate, pivot. Over and over. Barty loved line drills, most found them boring, but there was something about the burning air in his lungs that he loved.

He loved feeling fast, he loved how he was usually a whole line ahead of the rest. He wasn’t anymore.

Barty exhaled through his teeth. Just twelve more days. Twelve more days until Gryffindor. He could keep himself together that long, he had to.

He had to.

But twelve days wasn’t short enough, it was an eternity.

* * *

Barty waited until the arena was empty. He even followed out the last people just to make sure they all saw him leave.

And once they had, he headed back inside. He wiped his forehead which was still quite sweaty. He didn’t shower after practice anymore, most of the other blokes did. Barty just didn’t want to. Especially not after what Mulciber said.

He didn’t even know when Mulciber found out he was being hit, he didn’t exactly go around and flaunt it. Which meant Avery told him because he was the only one who really knew. Fucker. He really didn’t have any friends on that fucking team anymore.

Slughorn was still cleaning up when Barty walked back inside. He stood in the shadows for a moment, weighing on his feet before he stepped out.

“Uhm, coach?” Barty called. He watched Slughorn stop, turning around to face Barty. He lit up when he saw him. He lit up, but he also looked worried. Stressed. Barty hated that because he already knew it was his fault. “I just…I wanted…I don’t….”

Barty huffed at himself. It was easy, he just had to say he didn’t want to play against Gryffindor, that he wasn’t showing up for the game. Then he wouldn’t have to break his arm, and Mulciber could have everything he wanted.

But Barty said it in his head, he pictured Slughorn’s face as well. He saw that smile fade, he saw the way his eyes would lose that spark.

“I…” Barty swallowed, his eyes suddenly stinging. There was something wrong with him.

“Everything alright, my boy?” Slughorn placed a hand on Barty’s shoulder. He tilted his head to meet Barty’s eyes.

Barty opened his mouth again. Nothing came out. Like a fish, open and close, over and over.

Slughorn watched him, but he didn’t push him. He didn’t say anything, he just waited.

“I wanted to do the line drill again.” Barty mumbled, panicking. It was easy. ‘I don’t want to play’. So why couldn’t he just say that? “I think I can do better.”

Slughorn lit up. He chuckled happily. His hand slid down Barty’s back and he patted him. Barty sat down to get his skates on again.

“I think you can too. You have it in you, you just need a moment for it. I know things have been hard these past few weeks, and you know I will listen if you need me to.” Slughorn stood there, hands on his hips as he watched Barty. “Anything for my star.”

Barty didn’t say anything. He had opened up to Slughorn before, it was easy somehow, but he couldn’t. What was he supposed to say anyway?

Barty stood up, stepping out on the ice. He took a deep breath and thought about how he should play it. If he did shit still, maybe that would say all the things Barty couldn’t.

But he hated it. Oh, he hated it so much. Slughorn blew the whistle, and Barty set off. He sprayed snow from the strides he took. He closed his eyes and just let himself feel. He had done enough line drills to the point where he knew how fast he could go and how fast he would hit the line.

Skate, turn, skate, pivot.

Over and over.

Barty hit his max speed. He felt the wind in his face. He opened his eyes just to take it in. Oh, how he had missed it. He had been so focused on fucking up that he lost his love for the sport. The sport that had saved him so many times.

He needed hockey. He needed it just as much as he needed the air he was inhaling.

Fast inhales, deep inhales. The air burned his lungs, he loved it. He loved it all so much. He could go for hours.

Skate, turn, skate, pivot.

Over and over.

Until Slughorn blew his whistle again.

Barty hockey stopped, spraying the ice elegantly. He grinned, almost too proud of himself.

“That was amazing!” Slughorn clapped his hands as Barty came over. “My boy, don’t you see? You’re still the same player. You have it in there.”

“I know.” Barty sighed, hanging his arms over the barrier. He played with the flayed plastic under his fingers for a moment.

“You know? Last time we chatted, it sounded like you had given up on yourself.”

“Aye, so…” Barty swallowed hard, tearing off pieces that he dropped down on the ice. “The real reason I’ve been…off me game is…that…”

“Yes, Barty?” Slughorn crouched down. His knees cracked at the effort. Barty watched him wince as he appeared in his vision, but other than that, he didn’t let it know it hurt.

“Mulciber has been giving me some trouble.” Barty whispered, scared someone might hear even though it was just them there. “You know we don’t get along.”

“That’s an understatement statement, you’re like cats and dogs. Oil and water. I was surprised when you offered your starter spot to him.”

“He’s making me do all that stuff. He’s been…pressuring me. Threatening me. Blackmailing me.” Barty closed his eyes because it was all too much, and he felt the tears coming. His father would have called him pathetic at the first sentence, Barty called himself it for him. He thought he was pathetic. What was he even crying about?

“And have you done anything to him? Hit him? Insulted him?”

“No.” Barty glanced up. Slughorn looked angry, but not like it was directed at him. Just angry. “I’ve been trying me best to keep it together.”

“Good.” Slughorn stood up again. “Mulciber won’t be a problem for you anymore. I refuse to have players on my team who can’t play as a team. Individual skill means something, yes, but you’re a team. You play together, or not at all.”

The cold in Barty’s lungs burned differently. He felt himself get hotter. He looked at Slughorn with big eyes, taking in every detail on his face. Was it really that easy? No.

Barty knew it wasn’t, it never was with him.

“So, you’ll bench him?” Barty asked, staring at Slughorn as he shook his head.

“I’ll suspend him for the rest of the season.” Slughorn said, his voice echoing both in the arena and in Barty’s head. “We’ll see how many university hockey teams want him when they hear about this.”

Oh, Slughorn was going deep. Barty didn’t know what to say. He had just ruined Mulciber’s career. And he deserved it, Barty wanted it for him. He wanted him to lose everything he wanted, but…

‘Because you can’t do anything.’

Mulciber said that, but Barty had just done something. So what was he going to do? Mulciber would do something.

‘Otherwise, I’ll just break it myself.’

And suddenly everything went cold again. How could he for a second think telling Slughorn the truth was a good idea? Mulciber would fuck him up, and Barty worried there wasn’t much he could do to stop him.

He would try, but Mulciber did have an army at his disposal if he wanted it. Barty was just one man.

One man who was trying to turn his life over and not act in blind rage all the time.

“That’s…thank you.” Barty climbed the barrier and hugged Slughorn. He stiffened under Barty’s touch, just like he had the other two times Barty had hugged him. Slughorn patted his back before he let go.

“Now, now, no problem, my boy. No need to make a fuss. You’ll make us win, not Mulciber.”

“Aye, I’ll try.” Barty sat down, taking off his skates. “I’m not the best.”

“You can be if you want to be.”

Barty smiled. Maybe everything would be okay. Maybe Barty’s luck was finally turning around. Maybe all that shitty life he had was gone. Maybe it was time for a new era.

The era of Barty.

And even though Barty thought all of that, that feeling deep in his stomach kept screaming that something would go wrong.

* * *

February 28th

Sirius had somehow managed to get out of morning practice with James. He had complained about sore muscles for the entire week, hoping it would give him one morning off.

And, lo and behold, it had worked. James apparently also could get sore muscles. Sirius didn’t think that was a thing. It was one of those legends that would pass over the world. ‘I heard James Potter can get sore muscles’, and then the other person would laugh because James Potter and sore muscles didn’t exist in the same sentence.

Except they did. Like yesterday evening when James had said: ‘Sirius, we can take tomorrow morning off, I need to rest a little too.’

And Sirius had answered with: ‘Does James Potter also have sore muscles?’ as a joke mostly. But then he had confirmed it. So there they were. Regulus, Evan, James and Sirius all together at breakfast.

Regulus and Sirius sat on one side, James and Evan on the other. Regulus always sat in the same spot, it was his spot. Sirius just happened to sit next to him before James had the chance. As much as he didn’t mind Evan any more, he was always stuck next to the prick. Sometimes, Sirius wanted brother time.

It was a pretty quiet morning. James was making googly eyes at Regulus as per usual, and Regulus smirked, satisfied, as he ate.

Evan was the first to break the silence.

“So, how’s it going with the boyfriend, Sirius?” See? Prick. Honestly, Sirius couldn’t wait for him to move so he would get some peace again.

Well, he would only get true peace when hockey season was over due to the other prick. As much as he loved hockey, he was exhausted.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Sirius muttered. He glared, but he still took out his phone to check if he had a new message. He got immersed in it. Remus had sent a ‘goodmorning’ back. Sirius smiled as he typed ‘slept well?’.

“He’s not?” Regulus raised an eyebrow at him. Sirius gasped, taking his attention off his phone. His own brother?

“No? What? You thought–”

“Well, Evan said he was.” Regulus shrugged. “James did too.”

“What the fuck?!” Sirius stared at James. He placed a hand on his chest. “Betrayal.”

“Oh, come on, you’re practically boyfriends. You talk every day, you flirt, he even calls you ‘sweetie’.” James listed. Sirius needed a new best friend. Or he needed his best friend and brother to break up so they couldn’t talk about him and everything he told James.

“It’s an inside joke!” Sirius defended.

“You’re an inside joke, Sirius.” Evan smirked. “Like, come on, just ask if he wants to be your boyfriend. And then you have the label. Do it.”

“No, I won’t do any of the sort. I don’t take advice on what to text Remus anymore.” Sirius huffed, glaring a little extra at James. “Besides, he really doesn't like me that much.” Sirius sighed as he closed down the message app only to open it up again. It didn't have the effect he wanted as he found no new messages. “See? It's been a whole five minutes and nothing.”

“Right.” James smacked his lips before he gave a look to Regulus across the table that Sirius decided to ignore. “And you're not obsessed either?”

“What?” Sirius looked up, his eyebrows furrowing. “I am no such thing.”

His phone dinged that second. Sirius's heart skipped as he stared down at his phone.

“Clearly.” Evan snorted. Sirius caught the way he elbowed James in the corner of his eye, but he couldn't care less, he had a new message from Remus.

Yeah, I slept fine.

Also, I was thinking, when you’re up here anyway for the hockey finals, maybe you’d wanna stay for the whole weekend.

“Pause!” Sirius screamed, jumping up from his chair. He dropped his phone on the table in the process. Sirius pulled a hand through his hair, swallowing as he tried to breathe.

“Oh, and here I thought you were just friends.” Regulus smacked his lips after he read the text on Sirius’s phone. Sirius reached back for his phone, but Evan grabbed it first.

“He wants you to stay over?” Evan gasped, showing James the text. James gasped too and Sirius rolled his eyes. “How scandalous. You’re not even married.”

“Shove it.” Sirius grabbed his phone back, sinking into his seat. “What do I even say to that?”

“I thought you didn’t want advice on what to text anymore.” James chuckled.

“I don’t. Not from you.” Evan opened his mouth, and Sirius pointed a finger at him. “And definitely not from you. Regulus?”

“Say you would love to.” Regulus hummed, finishing his breakfast before he leaned towards the kitchen. “Effie, Sirius is staying in Wales after the hockey finals!”

“Regulus!” Sirius slapped his arm because what the fuck? Why was everyone against him?

“Oh, that sounds lovely.” Euphemia beamed, peeking into the dining room. She smiled at Sirius. “We do need a talk, though, before that.”

“I know that talk, run while you can.” James shook his head, his face flushing just at the mention. Sirius didn’t have to think twice about what that talk might be.

“Lord, please take me.” Sirius looked at the ceiling before he turned back to his phone. He chewed his lip a little while Regulus, James and Evan started to clear the table.

Yeah I’d love to, I just asked and I could as well

Sirius swallowed before he stood up. The weekend in Wales. With Remus. All alone. Or maybe not all alone, he probably lived with his parents. Sirius realised then that Remus had never talked about his parents, not that Sirius talked much about his real parents. Sirius happily chatted about Euphemia and Fleamont, but the rest was hard. Though, the second they started phoning each other, Sirius just talked until Remus stopped him.

Remus was very private, Sirius had realised that. He talked about general things, he would discuss his day, and he had no problem giving Sirius care when he told him something. But Sirius didn’t know that much about Remus. He didn’t even know why he hated figure skating, he just knew he hated it.

Maybe Sirius should spend less time chatting about himself next time, and maybe he should ask more questions. Sirius liked to talk to Remus, but he also wanted to hear Remus talk. He wanted to sit and listen to him as he told him things. And staying over would hopefully give him plenty of time to do so.

His phone buzzed right as they all left for school.

Great! Can’t wait xx

Sirius swallowed hard, his heart skipping in his chest. Suddenly, he couldn’t wait for the hockey finals.

* * *

February 29th

“Okay, I don’t mean to be negative towards your thing with Sirius, so stop me if I’m getting there.” Barty began as he and Remus walked to school that morning. “But…you asked him to come stay over next week?”

“Yes, as I’ve told you three times now.” Remus rolled his eyes like it wasn’t a big deal. Like it wouldn’t affect Barty in any way.

“In our house?”

“Yes, Barty.” Remus sighed. “In our house.”

“You do realise Sirius and I hate each other, right?” Barty stared at Remus like his gaze would get that into his head. “Like full-on rivals who can’t be in the same room together?”

“I’m hoping Sirius will be a bit too busy with me to think about you.” Remus mumbled and Barty frowned. He didn’t like that image in his head. “Besides, you can play nice for two days.”

“Aye, I can.” Barty sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets. He kicked a rock on the ground. “It doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.”

“I know, I am though.”

“And I’m happy for you.” Barty smacked his lips as they reached school. He didn’t want Remus to start up another conversation about Sirius because it was a high possibility those days, so Barty switched it up. “I heard some birds chat about getting their uni offers. Have you gotten yours?”

“You sound like the career advisor.” Remus followed Barty to his locker. It was a new routine they had. Remus followed Barty to class to avoid unwanted visits from a certain hockey player who wasn’t exactly happy with Barty’s move that got him thrown off the team. “‘So, Remus, university is coming up, your track must be buzzing. What’s your plan?’”

“I apologise for taking an interest in your life.” Barty opened his locker and shoved his bag in there. He got a pencil before he closed the door. Remus gave him the same look he did every morning because Barty didn’t have a stack of books he dragged everywhere. He didn’t need them. “I mean, you could get in wherever you want.”

“I know.” Remus looked away as they walked to Barty’s classroom. “And that’s great and all, but I didn’t even apply to anything. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to be, so when the time came, I thought about it, but I couldn’t exactly apply to a uni anywhere in the country because who would visit my mum? Or my dad? I know he’s not exactly responsive, but I like to go there. To think he knows I visit. I can’t just stop.”

Barty hadn’t even thought about that. Barty already knew he wasn’t continuing school after college, he saw no point. He would be an adult, and he wouldn’t be forced to study something. If he had the choice, he would have dropped out already, but the law didn’t allow that. Or his father.

When Barty thought about Remus, though, he knew he would do the whole uni thing. Not just because he wanted to progress in life, but also because he loved school. Barty had entirely missed that Remus didn’t apply. He never talked about university, and Barty guessed it made sense considering what he was just told.

Remus didn’t apply, so he didn’t tell Barty about it. And the last thing Barty thought of was more school, if he hadn’t overheard the girls in Remus’s class talk about it, he would never even have brought it up.

“Aye, that…sorry.” Barty smacked his forehead. “Of course, that makes sense.”

“Maybe in a year or two.” Remus shrugged. “I think I’ll just work or something. I kinda really liked to work at the bookshop.”

“You suited that job.” Barty nodded. “Looked sexy as hell in that apron too.”

“Oh, sod off.” Remus slapped the back of Barty’s head. “Here you are, see you later.”

“Thanks, Rem-Rem.” Barty smiled happily before he waved and stepped into the classroom. A Mulciber-free morning, he wasn’t even looming like he usually was. Barty took that as a win.

* * *

“How was practice?” Remus asked once Barty was back home. He didn’t look happy. Remus saw the way his eyebrows lowered ever so slightly. Next thing he knew, Barty threw himself down on the bed. “I thought Mulciber was gone?”

“He is.” Barty mumbled into the pillow. Remus placed a hand in his hair, stroking his head more than through his brown strands. He needed a haircut, Remus thought so at least. Barty growled every time he suggested it. “This is not about Mulciber. Or, I guess it is, but not directly.”

“Oh?” Remus was careful when he slid his hand down to the neck of Barty’s top and pulled on it. Barty groaned as he pushed himself up and looked at Remus. “What happened?”

“How was your day?” Barty changed the topic. So it was really bad. Good to know. Remus sighed. 

“It was good. I said hello to Dad after school, and did my homework there too. Still nothing. Went to mum’s after, we painted and were silent mostly. I talked about that new book I read, and she talked a little about dad. It was…she remembers quite a bit now, so that’s good. It’s hard too I guess.”

Barty nodded to Remus’s answers. He leaned closer, really staring into his eyes. Remus raised an eyebrow.

“And why was it hard?”

“Is this some weird therapy session you’re starting?” Remus chuckled, pushing him back by placing his palm to Barty’s forehead. “How was your day?”

“No to the therapy, you just have really pretty eyes. Did you know that?” Barty blinked with his eyelashes.

“Yes, I’ve been told.” Remus deadpanned. “By you, by others, now–”

“Have you eaten yet?”

“Barty!” Remus exclaimed, feeling the annoyance in his entire body. “Fucking talk to me, I can’t take you acting like nothing’s wrong when I know it is.”

“You don’t have to yell.” Barty huffed, a pout on his lips. “The team’s freezing me out. You know, since I got Mulciber kicked off it. No one talks to me, they don’t pass to me, they don’t even sit next to me when Slughorn talks strategy. Do you know how stupid it looks to have one person alone on a bench and then everyone else sitting behind? Really fucking stupid, I tell you.”

Remus fell silent. He felt like an ass because he yelled. He could see how it really upset Barty. He felt that he had been struggling more than he would like to admit, and Remus wasn’t making it better. To be fair, Remus was struggling too. He was struggling with a clawing fear that Barty wouldn’t come home in the evenings. He would sit with his mother and wonder if Barty was still at practice or if he had run away again.

“So, the Gryffindor game is already lost because my team sucks fucking cock.” Barty slapped his hand against the wall. And then he slammed it again. And again. And almost again, if it hadn’t been for Remus grabbing his hand.

And that really set him off. Remus knew it would, he knew how Barty worked. He screamed, pulling his hand back towards himself with real force.

Remus let go because he didn’t want to fight him. He was tired of always fighting him when he had his outbursts. When it got too much and Barty just screamed.

Remus sighed as he shifted away just so he wouldn’t get hit when Barty smacked the wall again. Remus sat and watched him, waiting for him to calm down. How was it that they always came back to that? With Barty screaming his lungs out. If it wasn’t Barty breaking, then it was Remus. Why was it that they always broke? Why couldn’t they, for once, have a normal structure to their lives?

Maybe Remus was just tired. He felt tired. His soul drained out of him after the finals. It was being repaired through his calls with Sirius and his visits to his mother, but something hurt when he was with Barty. It hurt when he was without him too. Remus’s whole being screamed out for Barty, but it was also crushed by Barty.

Why was it the people he loved that hurt him the most?

Remus leaned his head against the wall as he watched Barty break down in bed. Barty needed that breakdown, Remus knew he did. He was being tortured, and he went through it to prove himself to Remus.

Why couldn’t Remus just get his shit together so Barty could be okay? If Remus were stable, nothing bad would happen because he could always catch Barty, but he couldn’t be stable. He was tired.

So fucking tired.

Barty eventually calmed down, his body going still and his screams stopped. Remus didn’t say anything, he didn’t know what to say anymore. He had said it all.

“Sorry.” Barty mumbled, his voice hoarse. It reminded Remus far too much of that summer. Of Barty’s defeated face and hoarse voice. “I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. Everything just sucks.”

“It always sucks, Barty.” Remus whispered. “It will always suck. We can’t change that.”

“You sound like me now.” Barty looked up, his eyes dark. There was a pause. A heavy silence. Remus didn’t know what to say, Barty clearly expected something. “Rem-Rem?”

“I can take the sofa tonight.” Remus stood up, stretching a little.

“Remus!” Barty fell to the floor behind him. Remus just heard the thud. He turned around, his eyes falling on Barty, who was tangled up in the duvet, half on the floor, half not. “You can’t just fucking…” Barty kicked to untangle himself before he threw himself and grabbed Remus’s leg. “I told you what’s bothering me and you just–”

“I what, Barty? What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, but you don’t have to push so fucking hard if you don’t even care! That’s just pointless.” Barty tugged at his trousers, Remus let him. He looked down, watching Barty sit there and cling to him.

Remus couldn’t process himself anymore, he felt so empty. He took a deep breath before he crouched down. Barty stared back when they were eye level.

“I care about you. I wanna help you, I just don’t know how, but if I don’t know what’s happening, I can’t even begin to help.” Remus cupped his face. “I have a lot of things going on in my mind, and I know I’m not here for you. And I hate myself for that, but I can only do so much, Barty. I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be sorry, I should say that shit. You do more than enough. I take you for granted.” Barty’s head fell so their foreheads were pressed together. “Hiya.”

“Don’t you dare.” Remus glared because he knew what was going on in Barty’s mind.

“What? I thought you and Sirius weren’t boyfriends.” Barty smirked. “You keep saying it anyway.”

“We’re not.” Remus huffed. “But I don’t wanna kiss you.”

“Rude.” Barty closed his eyes, but he made no advance. He just stayed where he was. “You’re a maschoist, Remus.”

“Where did that come from?” Remus chuckled, surprised, but also not. It was such a Barty comment to make out of nowhere.

“Just, you want to care for me. And we both know I’m painful to take care of.” Barty glanced at him with a soft smile. “You can’t deny that.”

“Well, you are complicated.” Remus stroked his cheek. “But so am I. I’m sorry I dismissed you after pushing you. I’d love to brainstorm hockey with you to give you some sense of what to do, but I am exhausted.”

“That’s okay, I am too.” Barty whispered. “We can just lie down and talk for a moment, ay?”

“Okay.” Remus changed positions and kissed Barty’s forehead. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

They got back into bed, lying side-by-side and just talked. They hadn’t done that for a long time, and they really needed it. Even if they didn’t go deep into their issues they were experiencing at the moment, it was good.

They talked about hockey, how the team was acting, and what Barty could do without being a total snitch. They didn’t come up with a lot, but they tried. Things moved along to Remus. Remus talked about his mum, and Barty listened closely. He talked about how it still hurt to see her, how she wasn’t exactly herself even if she was remembering more and more. There was still that foggy look in her eyes.

Barty didn’t say much when Remus talked, but he hugged him. He did what Barty did best, really, and that was ground him. Remus would often slip when he talked about his parents, and Barty knew that, just like how Remus knew if he touched Barty when he was in an emotional state, he blew up.

Remus was tired, he was navigating a new situation every day. It took effort and energy, but he still wouldn’t have it any other way because he and Barty worked. They butted heads so much that they shouldn’t work, but they did.

And they always would, because that was what it meant to be a constant.

* * *

March 2nd

Sirius knocked on James’s door, waiting until he told him to come in before he opened the door. He had learnt something over the months; everyone should be proud of him.

Regulus and James were cuddling, watching a movie in bed.

“Hey, James.” Sirius weighed on his feet in the doorway. “Could I steal you for a moment?”

“Yeah, sure.” James paused the movie and sat up. Sirius looked away when James went to peck Regulus’s cheek and backed out of the room. “What’s up?”

Sirius shook his head and grabbed James’s hand, dragging him into his room. James gave him a look that Sirius ignored as he sat down on his bed.

“Okay, so…” Sirius paused to take a deep breath. He closed his eyes as he tried to think how to even begin the conversation he had been preparing for the last few days. “James.”

“Sirius.” James chuckled, imitating the way he clasped his hands.

“I know you’re…experienced in…” Sirius felt his face heat up. It didn’t just heat up a little, it felt like he was burning from the inside out. Sirius gestured with his hands as if that would help him continue, but he fell short. “You know?”

“No, I can’t say I do.” James smirked, leaning against the wall. He crossed his arms, looking ever so happy with how Sirius was struggling. “Go on.”

“Shut up.” Sirius huffed. “Help me.”

James shook his head with laughter before he sat down next to Sirius on the bed.

“Well, we already know Remus likes to top, so you don’t have to think about that.”

“What if I like to top too, but don’t know it?” Sirius pulled a hand through his hair. “What if I’m bad? What if I don’t want to have sex, and I just think I do because I know Remus has done it before? What if I ruin everything because I just don’t understand how–”

“Okay, calm down.” James placed a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. They both glanced at it before James pulled it off. They both looked away and shifted somewhat awkwardly apart. They could talk about everything - they always had been able to - but this topic was maybe out of both their comfort zones. “Mate.”

“I’m calm. I’m cool. I’m chill.” 

“Right.” James looked back towards Sirius. He scratched the back of his neck before he took a deep breath. “It’s not that deep. Like it feels like a big deal, but it’s not a big deal. If you like each other, everything will work out, okay? Now, not drawing from my own experience, but some people may be uncomfortable with certain things, so just…communicate. Talk everything through. It can maybe feel a bit awkward to talk, but it makes it better for everyone.”

“Oh, how I wish I knew other people who have had gay sex.” Sirius placed his head in his hands. “Please don’t say ‘not drawing from my own experience’ because that makes me think about what your experience is.”

“You wanted my help, what am I supposed to do? Fuck another man?” Sirius looked at James, but even before he had opened his mouth, James spoke again. “I am not fucking you!”

“I didn’t say that!”

“You were thinking it!”

“Well, we have kissed.”

“And this is so far past the line of kissing.” James shook his head, making a sound of disgust. “Just…trust your instincts. You’ll do great. Plus, I’ve seen you naked, you’re beautiful.”

“Aww, thank you.” Sirius flicked his hair. They both burst into laughter after.

“Alright, was that all?” James asked once the laughter died down.

“Uhm, no.” Sirius sighed. “You never explained how the actual sex works. Like, I get the gist of it, and sure, Remus probably knows what he’s doing, but I kinda wanna seem smart and not like I’m clueless to what’s going to happen.”

“Can’t you just watch porn or something?” James looked uncomfortable, Sirius felt the same, but he had a goal in mind, and he wasn’t leaving that conversation without completing that goal. Mostly because he would like to never be in that conversation again.

“Well, I’d like to know…how real life works.”

James sighed before he went into far too much detail about how to have sex. Sirius felt like he should take notes from how James talked, but he would hate himself forever if he wrote any of that down.

They sat in silence afterwards. It was probably the worst silence they had ever sat in.

“Am I a good kisser?” Sirius suddenly whispered. “It sounds like there will be a lot of kissing.”

“I don’t know, Sirius. I just got the peck, not the full kiss.” James shrugged. “I’m sure you’re fine. Just pick a lip and don’t shove your tongue down his throat.”

Sirius nodded slowly. “What if I pick the lip he wants?”

“Then assert dominance, I don’t know.” James stood up. “I’m done now.”

“Wait, Prongs, one more thing.” James paused in the doorway, waiting for Sirius to continue. “How did you know that Regulus was the one?”

James’s shoulders slumped. He turned around slowly, a soft expression on his face.

“I just knew.” James shrugged. “I wish there was a better answer, but there isn’t. I looked into his eyes, something I had done loads of times, but that one day was different, and I knew.”

“Thanks.” Sirius sighed before he lay down. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Pads.”

James closed the door to his room. Sirius closed his eyes as he tried to think what being with Remus would be like. Would he hate it? Would it be nice? Would he realise he wasn’t in love? Would his feelings change? Was he just excited over a new friend? Was Remus someone he wanted for the rest of his life or just for the thrill?

Sirius turned over, pulling the duvet over his head to silence the noise. He thought of Remus’s hand in his. Would it feel right? His skin tingled at the thought, it felt right then.

Sirius closed his eyes, trying to find some comfort in his bed. Maybe he didn’t know what love felt like yet, even if he thought he did.

But maybe, just maybe, he would look into Remus’s eyes again, and he would know.

Chapter Text

March 8th

“You know what I just realised?” Barty asked, his feet dangling over the sofa armrest. Remus had just finished up the dishes after dinner, coming into the living room to put on some music and read a book. “Your birthday is on Sunday. You invited Sirius over for your birthday.”

“Yeah, so?” Remus swallowed as he took out a vinyl, placing it on the record player. He placed the needle and started it before he grabbed the current book he was reading from the shelf.

“So…you’re not your best during your birthday.” Barty pointed out. Remus sat down in the empty spot by his head. Barty looked up at him, tilting his entire head.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Remus opened his book, finding the page he was currently on. “What was I supposed to do? Not ask him to stay here for an extra day when he’s already in Cardiff?”

“Okay, but like…what if you have one of your little episodes?” Barty shifted to sit up. He spun around on the sofa to lean his head on Remus’s shoulder to read what was happening in the book along with him. He often did that, Remus liked it when he did. He also knew Barty read slower than him, so he usually didn’t finish the page before Remus. “What will you do then?”

“I haven’t had one of those for months now.” Remus mumbled like he hadn’t already thought about that and worried over it already.

“You almost did last week. If I hadn’t been lying on top of you, we both know you would have been gone.” Barty’s hand reached for the bookmark, taking it between his fingers to play with it. “Will you tell him?”

“He doesn’t even know it’s my birthday.” Remus sighed, putting the book down on the table.

“Oh, Rem-Rem.” Barty tutted, but Remus doubted he judged him. He just tutted matter-of-factly. “This is like daisies all over again. Or your fucking name.”

“I struggle to tell people personal things, what’s wrong with that? Besides, I did tell him it was me in the bathroom back during the finals.”

“So he knows you know personal things about him, but he knows nothing about you?” Barty gave him a pointed look. A look that made Remus sink into himself a little because, really, what was he doing? Did he not want something with Sirius? Did he just want to play around? Because he had been crushing on that man for years. He couldn’t see a world where he hung around just to mount him. He wanted more. “Please tell me you’ve at least told him we live together.”

“Surprise?” Remus bit his lip. Barty gasped and slapped his arm and Remus jumped in his seat.

“How do you think it’ll look when you live with your ex, and you haven’t told the new bloke you wanna date about it?” Barty stared right into Remus’s soul, and he honestly hadn’t thought about that. He just thought he would take it when it happened. Explain later was always easier than explaining first. “Because he knows we used to be together, so that’s not a secret.”

“I know.” Remus pulled a hand through his hair. He leaned his head back against the sofa. “I’m a fucking idiot, aren’t I?”

“Hmm, let me think.” Barty paused longer than he really had to. Remus should consider getting a better friend. Or someone to get relationship advice from that wasn’t Barty, because it was almost shameful that Barty, the Player, was telling him how to have a relationship. “Yes, you are. Maybe finally more so than I am.”

“Do you want me to do the list again?” Remus smirked, glancing down at Barty. He did not look amused.

“Text him now.” Barty started patting Remus’s pockets to find his phone. He dug it out and gave it to him. “Here. Text him.”

“And say what? ‘Oh, by the way, I live with Barty, my parents are MIA, and I have PTSD’?”

“I mean, aye?” Barty shrugged. “Maybe soften the blow a little.”

“I’m just gonna tell him we live together.” Remus pressed Sirius in his contacts, typing out a message that he thought was fitting.

Just so you know btw, I kinda live with Barty so he’ll be here too when you stay over.

“There.” Remus clicked off his phone and put it on the table. “Happy?”

“Well, it’s a start.” Barty leaned back against his shoulder. “But just think about what happened to us. We didn’t talk and then we broke up.”

“That wasn’t the only reason.” Remus grabbed the book again, trying to find the spot he was at before.

“No, but it was one reason. Maybe you should think about that.” Oh, how Remus hated that Barty, out of all people, told him what he should do and was right about it. Remus quite enjoyed that Barty was more wrong than he was right, it made Remus feel better about himself, which was silly, but it was true.

“I will.” Remus sighed because he couldn’t deny Barty was right. “I’ll try.” Remus started reading, getting through one page before he paused again. “Just another thing about communication, how are you feeling about tomorrow?”

“Smartarse.” Barty huffed a laugh. “I feel shit. I don’t think we’ll win, and it has me kinda defeated already. Everyone is still being absolute bitches.”

“Well, you can play solo.” Remus suggested even though he knew that would not benefit Barty and Barty had already shot down the idea.

“Okay, think about it like this. You’re gonna climb a wall to get to treasure. At the top is a line of people who all work together to stop you from reaching the top. You have the same number of people on your side who are supposed to hoist you up so you can get over the wall. They believe in you, so they trust you can do it and will bring the treasure back to them. Then, instead, the people on your side decide they want to be greedy and selfish with the treasure, so instead of hoisting you up and working together against the line of people stopping you, they throw you down the wall and scale it themselves.”

“That was a good metaphor.”

“Thank you, I was working on it while waiting for a pass the entire practice today.” Barty sighed heavily. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so done with me life being shit.”

“You know I’ll cheer for you, right? I want you to win.” Remus placed a hand in Barty’s hair. He didn’t move it because it was built into him just as much as anything else. He didn’t tug on Barty’s hair because Barty struggled with that. “I don’t care who you’re playing, you are still who I cheer for.”

“Fuck.” Barty choked, turning into Remus’s body. “I didn’t even know I needed to hear that.”

“I thought you might.” Remus kissed the top of Barty’s head. “You care the most on the team which is why it sucks. You want to win the most. The others on your team prioritise Mulciber, not winning. If they cared like you do, they would still work as a team, despite their personal feelings.”

“I almost wish I played on Gryffindor.” Barty mumbled before he gagged. “No, fuck, I take it back. I never said that. Fucking ew.” He looked up at Remus. “You see what me team has done to me? They have me questioning everything.”

“I come for you, Barty. I’ll always show up for you.” Remus turned back to his book, starting over once again.

“And I’ll spend the rest of me life doing the same for you.” Barty sighed, shifting slightly closer.

“Sounds like a wedding vow.”

“Remus John Lupin, will you marry me?” Barty giggled, flexing the bookmark into a ring shape.

“Oh, go on.” Remus gave him his hand. “But if anyone asks, it was a spur-of-the-moment, one-time thing.”

“Of course.” Barty laughed, and Remus laughed with him. The bookmark fell off his finger the second Barty let go of it, and it made them laugh even more.

The music played from the record player and mixed with the laughter. The air was lighter than it had been in weeks.

* * *

“JAMES!” Sirius ran through the house. He slammed his hands against his bedroom door before he opened it. “James!”

He wasn’t in there. Where was he? Sirius paused because he was sure he had told him at some point.

He spun around, taking two steps across the hall.

“EVAN!” He banged on Evan’s door before he opened it. Evan was scrolling on his phone. He looked up with a raised eyebrow. “Where is James?”

“Skating with Regulus?” Evan sat up straighter, pulling down his top that had ridden up a little. “It was his way to clear his head before the game?”

“Oh, right.” Sirius groaned. He leaned back against the wall and banged his head. “I need help.”

“Should I call a therapist?” Evan chuckled at his own joke. Sirius glared at him, very unamused because he had a very serious problem. “Okay, sorry. Do you want my help?”

“Maybe.” Sirius walked over and sat down next to Evan on the bed. “Possibly, if you don’t make jokes.”

“Okay, I’ll try my best.” Evan held out his pinkie and Sirius linked them together before he took a deep breath.

“So, how bad is it if someone lives with their ex?” Sirius asked, tapping his fingers against his leg.

“It really depends. Who is their ex? What’s their relationship now? Are they in new relationships?” Evan shrugged. “I should’ve known you’d come with some romance crap.”

“I’m having a hard time as it is.” Sirius crossed his arms over his chest. He then tilted his head up at the ceiling, staring at it as he took deep breaths. “Remus sent a text today.”

“About him living with Crouch?”

“Perhaps.” Sirius sighed deeply. “It’s bad, isn’t it?”

“Well, it really depends. Like when we met them, they didn’t exactly seem…lovey-dovey, did they? So they’re probably just friends who have figured things out.”

“But what if they’re not?” Sirius turned his head and then his entire body to face Evan. He stared into his green eyes with pure desperation because that was what he felt. He had read that text and panicked because what if Remus was a player? What if he had some sort of open relationship? What if he was having sex right then? “What am I supposed to do?”

“Uhm…I know you don’t want advice on what to text Lupin.” Evan paused, gesturing with his hands before Sirius even had the chance to interrupt him. Evan was basically treating him like a child, and maybe he was a little offended. “But consider asking about his and Barty’s relationship.”

“I don’t wanna sound like some jealous psycho before we’ve even started dating.” Sirius slammed his head back against the headboard. “Evan.”

“Whining my name won’t fix anything, crybaby.” Sirius repeated his name in that same whiny tone for dramatic effect. It made Evan shudder. “Fucking hell, you make my skin crawl. Now, send the text like the jealous man you are.”

“This is exactly what James made me do and it ended in disaster.” Sirius pointed a finger at Evan. “Give me a real solution.”

“I have given you a real solution. The only solution. Ask him what the fuck he means.” Evan slapped his thigh. Sirius jumped before he slapped him back.

“If you were in this situation, would you do it?”

“Yes!” Evan stared deep into his eyes. Sirius watched the green swirls that went around his pupil. “The worst that can happen is Lupin telling you he’s hooking up with Barty and you’ll–”

“Die.” Sirius threw himself back so he lay down again.

“I was gonna say move on. I’m already on the fence with Lupin as a person. And, I mean, he did date Crouch before and Crouch is…well, you know.”

“Fucking hate him.” Sirius muttered, and he did. It was a hockey rivalry that had ended with genuine dislike. And Barty wasn’t exactly nice. He was pretty foul, especially during the figure skating finals. He was awful to Evan, he was awful to Sirius, hell, he was even awful to Remus. “He tried to kill me last year.”

“I don’t think tripping someone in hockey counts as attempted murder.” Evan said. “Now, just send the fucking text, and you’ll feel better. Or you’ll feel worse, but at least you’ll know Lupin isn’t worth it.”

Sirius sighed heavily before he took out his phone and opened his messages with Remus. He stared back at what Remus said last, what had started his full spiral.

And then he typed.

But like, are you together or anything? Like not that I care or it matters, just curious

“Damn, you’re a mess.” Evan chuckled, reading over his shoulder. “Stop saying ‘like’, it makes you sound unsure. And delete everything after that question mark. When you say you don’t care, it sounds like you care. It’s as if I were to say, Sirius, you should dedicate more time to figure skating. Not that I think you’re bad or anything, just that you could be better.”

“I see your point.” Sirius tapped the delete button, taking Evan’s advice because he gave a solid example. “And I’m the best junior figure skater.”

“Not anymore, you’re not. I think that is my title.” Evan smirked. “And you’re eighteen, if you competed now, it wouldn’t be as a junior anymore.”

“Brag less, number one.” Sirius flicked his forehead before he read over his message again. “There.”

But are you together or involved or anything?

“Better.” Evan nodded. “I think you should go for that.”

Sirius took a deep breath before he hit send. He watched the message get sent before he clicked off his phone.

“I’m gonna give you this, and you can tell me later what he says.” Sirius handed Evan his phone. “I’ll run myself a bath because I need to relax and focus for tomorrow.”

“Got it, boss.” Evan put the phone on his nightstand. “Passcode?”

“Just read the preview.” Sirius deadpanned before he stood up. “I’m not that stupid.”

“Worth a try.” Evan shrugged before Sirius turned and left the room. Sirius tried to snap into focus. He needed to focus on something that wasn’t Remus. He needed to focus on hockey. Hockey. His favourite sport.

Hockey.

Sirius ran the bath, watching the steam curl from the hot water. He sat on the edge of the bathtub and watched it.

Hockey. Fast skating, tackling, passing.

Sirius turned off the tap before he slid down into the warm water. He closed his eyes once fully emerged.

He could picture the game in his head, his team around him. James would break off, Sirius would pass.

He pictured play after play, analysing a game that hadn’t happened yet. It would happen, tomorrow it would happen.

Sirius sighed as he opened his eyes again. He stared up at the ceiling, watching the steam rise around him. He could see the ice in the steam, the players in the steam. And just like that, he was back in the rink.

A pass there, another one there. He shoved Crouch up against the barrier. Over and over and over. Hopefully enough times to hurt him.

And again.

And–

“Sirius.” It was Evan, paired with a knock on the door. “He’s not involved with Crouch except for friendly. He’s not in love with him, nor is he interested in him. He made it very clear in what I assume is a lengthy paragraph, and I wish I could read you the whole thing, but someone didn’t give me the passcode, and the preview only shows so much.”

Sirius sat up with haste. The water sloshed over the edge of the tub and onto the floor. He paused once he sat. Remus was just friends with Barty. Sirius wanted to believe him because Remus hadn’t given him a reason to doubt him or think he was lying.

Well, except he hadn’t told him he was living with Barty in the first place, but if you lived with someone, it was easy to forget that it mattered to other people.

Maybe that made sense. Or maybe Sirius shouldn’t try to rationalise Remus’s behaviour just because he fancied him.

“You didn’t drown, did you?” Evan chuckled, tapping the door again.

“No.” Sirius croaked. “Uhm, I’ll be up in a minute.”

“Alright. I’ll put your phone in your room.”

“Thanks, Evan.” Sirius sighed before he sank back down in the water.

Sirius tried to go back to thinking about hockey, but his head instead went to figure skating.

And suddenly, he was envisioning a whole new routine. A routine that was made for Remus to understand every lingering thought in his head.

* * *

March 9th

Barty felt a little sick. Or that was a lie; he felt like he would throw up all over the floor at any moment.

Slughorn was standing in front of them by the barrier, giving them his usual speech about teamwork and winning. Barty was watching Slughorn do final strategies on his board, explaining the plays they all knew. His eyes were glued on Slughorn, because if he looked anywhere else, he would catch the stares from his team.

Barty was staring at Slughorn, everyone else stared at Barty.

“Alright, so.” Slughorn clapped his hands together. “Let’s do our best out there. Come on, huddle.”

Slughorn waved everyone. They all stood. Barty had sat closest to the front, but somehow, he was shoved to the back.

He took a deep breath as he tried to snap into the game. He needed to be in the game.

“Go, Slytherin!” Slughorn cheered.

“Slytherin.” The team echoed before they broke the huddle.

Barty jumped out on the ice together with his teammates. They lined up for the face-off. Gryffindor was still chatting in their booth, leaving Barty standing alone in the middle of the ice. His eyes came up to the crowd on instinct, looking for Remus. The stands were almost full, they usually were for the final game anyway. It didn’t matter because Barty already knew where Remus were.

He met his eyes over the ice. Remus gave him a nod. A nod that said exactly what Remus had told him before the game.

“Your team are built on posh prats who don’t understand that you make the entire team. They can freeze you out, and they will lose. You play your best because you are the best, and nothing can change that.”

Barty had lept into Remus’s arms and he didn’t want to let go. He wanted to stay wrapped up like that forever. Eventually, he had to let go, and it was probably for the best. Remus could lift him - Barty didn’t weigh too much anyway - but Remus’s grip had slowly been getting looser.

Barty nodded in return before he went back to the ice. To the present. The referee blew the whistle to rush the other team. Gryffindor was really taking their sweet time. Barty tapped his hockey stick against the ice.

“Oi, Potter, cold feet?” He called, locking eyes with James over the ice.

James jumped the barrier, the rest of the team following behind.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.” James grinned, that stupid grin that really infuriated Barty. Every time they played, James grinned at him like that. “Let’s have a good one, right, Crouch?”

“Aye.” Barty leaned down, waiting for the puck to drop. “Good luck.”

“Thanks. You too.” James took the same stance. They both stared dead centre at the ice, ready to snatch the puck.

The referee blew the whistle and the puck dropped. James and Barty fought for that puck. It wasn’t an easy snatch, it was a full-on battle.

James’s aim was clearly to pass the puck; Barty wanted to do no such thing. If he passed the puck, he wouldn’t get it back.

And therefore, it was a fight.

A fight Barty ended up losing.

James won the puck and sent the pass over the ice. It slid nicely to his teammate. Barty took two strides to steal that puck. Remus was right anyway, if Barty wanted to play, he would have to do it on his own.

The first few minutes were a chase for Barty. Gryffindor had the puck, but Barty didn’t manage to steal it back. The Slytherin goalkeeper saved a shot, and Slytherin got the puck. Barty was there, open, free, ready, the entire time, but he didn’t get the pass.

Avery was about to take a shot when…Sirius. Sirius swooped in, stole the puck. It was smooth, it was perfect. Barty hated it.

And the chase started over again. Barty stole the puck three times during the first period. The problem came when he wanted to go somewhere. There was always a Gryffindor player in the way. A player who forced Barty to pass, and then he never saw that puck again.

He was there, open, free, ready, the entire time, but he didn’t get the pass.

Gryffindor was truly on fire, they worked together, and they were better. The whistle blew, the first period ended, and Barty sat down. Gryffindor was in the lead with three goals.

Barty hadn’t scored once. In twenty minutes, he hadn’t had the puck more than three times, and he hadn’t scored once. There was nothing he could do. Even if he tried to play alone, he just couldn’t do it.

Maybe playing wasn’t worth it. It just made him feel worse about everything that was happening.

“I want to be subbed out.” He mumbled to Slughorn before he had the chance to strategise. “I’ll play the final period, but I want out.”

“Okay.” Slughorn patted Barty’s shoulder. He didn’t argue anymore, maybe he had given up. He probably knew that Barty would argue back.

Slughorn went into strategy, and Barty sat down in the back. He took off his helmet and swallowed mouthfuls of water.

He didn’t want to play, he wanted to go home. He wanted to go home and lie down in Remus’s arms and cry because everything fucking sucked, and he tried to be fine with it, but he wasn’t fine with anything.

Barty would take the second period to watch. Maybe he would get a chance to do something in the final period if he took in and analysed Gryffindor for a little bit.

Maybe.

But at the end of the day, that whole game was a fucking shitshow, and if his team wanted a shitshow, he would give them one.

* * *

“Great start, right, Pads?” James slapped his back hard enough that the force sent Sirius forward.

“Yeah, I feel alive.” Sirius elbowed him back, sitting straight again. “I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed just playing a game like this. Practise with you kills the joy.”

“Oh, shut up.” James rolled his eyes. “At least it makes the rest so much sweeter.”

James then stood up, waving right into the crowd. Sirius rolled his eyes as he watched Fleamont stand up and gesture instructions for James to follow for the next period. Sirius had been looking for someone else in the crowd, but he hadn’t spotted him. Sirius really thought he would be able to pick Remus out of the crowd, but he couldn’t.

Sirius scanned it one more time, trying to just catch Remus’s curls sticking up somewhere. He sighed when he still couldn’t find him. He was there, Sirius was sure of it, he just didn’t know where.

“Sirius.” James kicked lightly at his leg. Sirius turned to James instead. “Dad says you should focus their centre.”

“But Crouch?” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m focusing him, that’s like my one goal in life.”

“I know, but he’s barely had the puck all game. I don’t know if they’re reserving his energy or something.” James shrugged before the whistle blew. James made another gesture at Fleamont who made the same one back with a thumbs up. “Yeah, take the centre out.”

“I can read the game.” Sirius huffed as they climbed out on the ice. “I can see the plays aren’t done with Crouch today, but rather their other winger and…he’s not on the ice.”

James looked around, and paused when he realised the same. Barty didn’t start that time. Sirius had never watched a Slytherin game where Barty didn’t start. He started the game, he started every period. He was a starter.

But he wasn’t there.

The game didn’t wait for Barty, it started either way and James got the puck. He sent it over the ice, straight to Betram Aubrey, the Gryffindor centre. He had only recently gotten bumped up as a starter since he was a year younger, and he played really well with James. Sirius was almost jealous.

But then, a few minutes later, Sirius sent a pass across half the rink that James caught with no problem that made Sirius realise that no one could take his spot as James’s number one man.

Sirius did what Fleamont suggested, targeting the Slytherin centre. Slytherin were better in the second half, they got more passes through, played more compact. They caught up with the lead Gryffindor had established.

They did all that without Barty. Something wasn’t right. Sirius had watched loads of past Slytherin games, and Barty was always the key factor. If they knocked Barty out, the team was unbalanced. But unlike any game Sirius had seen, the opposite seemed to happen that game.

The only thing Sirius could think of was that Slytherin had practised to not rely fully on Barty, but why would they not utalise him when he was on the ice?

The second period finished with a tie in their scores. Sirius panted heavily. He had only been benched for a few minutes before he was sent back out. James had played the entire match so far.

They both drank, listening to their coach explain the plays to break the tie and come back in the lead.

Sirius half-listened as his eyes wandered through the crowd again.

And there. Standing in the furthest back corner was he. Remus Lupin. He was gesturing like Fleamont would to James, only his eyes were locked with the Slytherin booth. With Barty.

Sirius felt a pang in his stomach. He wasn’t jealous because he knew Barty and Remus were just friends, Remus had made that very clear. He didn’t hold back to explain to Sirius that Barty didn’t have anywhere to go and Remus was his best friend. Remus was clear when he told Sirius that Barty was important to him, but just as a friend.

And Sirius believed him, but it still stung watching Remus talk to Barty in a secret language. He wasn’t exactly giving Barty hockey advice because Remus didn’t know anything about hockey. Something else was going on. It was probably the same reason Barty didn’t play the second period.

Sirius swallowed before he put his focus back on the game. He would see Remus after, and they would spend the rest of the weekend together. He didn’t need Remus to see him right then because he would see him later.

Sirius took a deep breath before the whistle blew again.

Final period.

“Let’s kill it.” Sirius smirked.

* * *

Barty had one goal back on the ice for the final period and that was to destroy anyone in his way. His own team or not, it didn’t matter, he wasn’t walking away from that game without a goal.

Remus had been worried. Barty didn’t even need him to ask to know. But Barty sought Remus in the crowd, and he stood up, gesturing to ask if he was okay. Barty had nodded, Remus hadn’t bought it.

And then Barty had looked away.

“There you are.” James grinned at the face-off. That fucking grin. “Missed you last period.”

“You should shove your stick in your mouth, Potter.” Barty whispered. “It would be lovely if you just shut up.”

James’s grin fell and his expression turned serious instead. He didn’t say anything else, Barty was glad. He couldn’t take listening to James for another minute. Hopefully, he would never have to hear his annoying voice ever again after that game.

The puck fell, and Barty shoved his shoulder against James’s and stole the puck. He skated fast, keeping his eyes on his surroundings. He heard someone behind him, saw the goal in front of him.

He slapped his stick against the puck, too far away from the goal for most players.

Not for Barty. It went in.

It was luck, Barty knew it was luck. He could pretend he was the best, but he wasn’t.

The goal was blown, the clock stopped. Only a few seconds in and Slytherin had the lead. The face-off was reset, and Barty grinned at James.

“Aight, Potter?” James didn’t even look up. He was pissed, Barty loved it.

They stared down at the ice, waiting for the puck to drop. The whistle blew, and the puck bounced between their sticks. That time, James didn’t let up. He shoved Barty the same way Barty had before and got the puck. Before Barty had the chance to steal it back, that Gryffindor centre swopped in and James sent the pass over to him.

Barty tore after him, but it was no use. He was too far ahead. The pass came back to James, and James shot a goal the same way Barty had, scoring back to a tie.

“Aight, Crouch?” James grinned as they set up for a face-off again.

Barty only scoffed. He didn’t win the puck that time either. His team made sure to groan when they skated close to him. He didn’t get a pass, he didn’t get the puck. Eventually, he just did laps because he was bored. He should sub out because then they would do better, but he didn’t want to. He wanted his team to lose because they were fucking pricks.

No one sought him. When he played the game, he didn’t get a pass, and when he was off to the side, he didn’t either.

Eventually, it snapped. He promised a shitshow, so he went for it. He picked up speed and he broke a pass. Not just any pass though, a pass from his own team.

The crowd gasped, he heard it somewhere in the background. Behind the ringing of his ears as he decided that he hated hockey and never wanted to step foot on that team again. So what if he got Mulciber off the team? He was awful, why did the rest of the team love him?

He already knew why, the rest of the team were awful too.

Awful fucking twats.

Barty shot at the goal, he shot hard, sprayed ice from where the blade hit. The puck went in.

Eight minutes left, they were three goals behind. Barty didn’t think he could play one-on-five. Would it be one-on-nine? He was practically fighting his own team for the puck. But while Gryffindor had one of the best passing games, Slytherin came from strength and durability.

Barty could snatch the puck from his own team, and he repeated to do so. He did all the finishes, missing most of them because he was forced into bad angles by Sirius who had really woken up. He was fast, too fast really. Barty didn’t stand much of a chance without someone to pass around him. He tried to get through, but he knew from before that getting through Sirius was something he didn’t quite have the skill to do. It was hard to accept that, but it was the truth.

Barty’s team didn’t exactly keep up with him. They fell behind, they watched more than they played. For wanting to win, they did sacrifise a whole lot by being pissed at Barty.

Barty fought for the puck, he played tough enough where it got dirty, but not dirty enough for the referee to notice. He needed to play like that because his team was fucking useless.

They weren’t winning, Barty came to that conclusion every time James managed to somehow return every goal Barty did.

Everyone was just against him, everything worked against him. Barty stared down Sirius when he came up on the goal again, pushed into a bad angle.

That man was taking everything from him. Who would Barty have that weekend when Remus’s focus was on Sirius? He hadn’t even realised how much he would need support after that game. The game sucked, hockey for the past weeks had been the worst, and the only thing getting him through it was Remus.

During that game, the entire time Barty was off the ice, his team whispered about him. It was twenty minutes of pure hell as he tried to watch the second period.

But nothing was worse than playing.

Barty didn’t steer clear of Sirius. He didn’t try to shoot. He didn’t try to go around him.

He stared into his grey eyes, and the constant ringing in his ears got louder. And louder.

He threw his stick on the ice and dove for him. He tackled him down on the ice, and then he punched. He wasn’t sure what he hit, he was sure it didn’t hurt either, but fuck did it feel good.

The whistle blew, people were loud. Barty felt hands on him, dragging him back. He wanted to punch again. He kicked instead, hoping to cut something of Sirius’s with his skate. He heard screaming, the crowd was screaming. Barty was screaming too, shrieking noise that scratched his throat as it came out of him. Everything was loud, everything was ringing. It was too much, he couldn’t do it anymore.

Barty was dragged to his feet. He wasn’t sure who was holding on to him. Was it his team? Was it the other team? Had Slughorn somehow made it onto the ice? He didn’t want to be held nonetheless. He swung with his entire body to get free from the grip on him.

His eyes were angled down. Angled at Sirius. James was on his knees next to him, hovering over him. Sirius stared back at Barty with the same burning hatred.

Barty pulled his arm again, it was stuck.

Then, the speakers kicked to life.

“Number 13, Bartemius Crouch. Five-minute major penalty for fighting and a game misconduct for attempt to injure. Time of penalty, 17:42 of the third period.”

Only then did Barty's body stop fighting.

He froze.

What the fuck had he just done?

Barty was dragged off the ice by what he realised was a referee and Gryffindors. His head pounded. He stopped moving altogether, letting his body be dragged away.

He looked at Slughorn when he got off the ice. Met his green eyes, but only for a second. Slughorn looked down at the floor. For the first time, it wasn’t Barty who couldn’t look at Slughorn, it was Slughorn who couldn’t look at him.

As if Barty hadn’t broken enough, that was the final nail in the coffin.

“It’s best you go shower, Barty.” He sighed. “You’re not allowed in the booth.”

As if Barty didn’t know that. His heart squeezed as he took a step closer to Slughorn, who backed away.

Barty had never ripped off his skates before, but he did then. He tore them off, and he ran for the locker room. He was sobbing even before he got there.

What the fuck was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just exist like a normal human being? Why did he let everyone down? Why did he attack Sirius?

Barty threw his helmet at the floor when he entered the locker room. It cracked down the middle. Barty didn’t care. He kicked it against a locker before he punched right into the wall.

He didn’t shower, he didn’t care. He changed clothes, grabbing his pack of cigarettes. He was on his last two, and after that, he was done. He hadn’t told Remus that, but he had told himself that. He wouldn’t waste more money on his addiction, it was bad enough that Remus had to feed his own addiction that Barty gave him.

But fuck, he needed to smoke right then. Smoke so much.

He pushed outside. He heard the final buzzer go off, but he didn’t look back. He was hoping to avoid Remus. He was praying Remus wasn’t there, waiting for him. Because Remus would do that.

Oh, Barty couldn’t take disappointing Remus too. He was so fucking selfish, attacking Sirius. He only did it because he was jealous. He wasn’t even that annoyed at Sirius, he was more annoyed at James. More annoyed at his team.

He was probably the most annoyed at himself. So fucking annoyed that he couldn’t just have jumped that day. None of that would be happening if Barty had died. He wouldn’t owe Mulciber that favour, he wouldn’t have been blackmailed, he wouldn’t have been frozen out of the team.

He would have been dead.

Barty wished he were dead right then, but he was too much of a coward to do anything about it.

The air hit him when he stepped outside. It wasn’t cold, but it wasn’t warm either. It was that perfect blend of spring air coming to life.

Barty sighed as he lit a cigarette, leaning against the wall. He stood a bit away from the entrance. Far enough where no one would see him if they came out, but close enough where he could hear the occasional human leave the arena.

Soon, a storm of them would pour out.

Barty wasn’t ready for that, he shifted further away from the entrance. With a deep drag, he slid down the wall. His hands were shaking, adrenaline leaving his body just like a high. Maybe adrenaline was a drug. Maybe Barty should live on that more than actual drugs.

He took a deep drag, really letting his lungs burn with the smoke. He let his head roll to the side.

Barty closed his eyes, hoping he could waste away on the ground and die there instead. He really didn’t know what his problem was. Why couldn’t he just be normal? There was no one else in the entire game who attacked someone just because things were shitty.

Barty slammed his head against the wall, taking another drag.

Suddenly, he heard someone approaching. Someone clapped their hands slowly. Barty looked up and…

“Well done, Bee.” Mulciber smirked, staring down at Barty. “That was the show I wanted. You had me worried you wouldn’t snap there for a moment.” Barty felt his blood burn. It boiled in his veins. If there was someone he should attack, it was Mulciber. “It would definitely have been sooner if you hadn’t sat out the second period, but it happened. It was priceless.”

Barty dove for the second time that day. He grabbed Mulciber’s legs, causing him to fall. Barty punched him. His face, his throat, everything he could reach. Mulciber fought back, but Barty sat firmly on him, locking his legs around so Mulciber couldn’t shove him off.

It was all Mulciber’s fault, he wanted Barty to snap, he wanted him to destroy his own future like he had destroyed Mulciber’s, and it worked. Of course, it did. Barty was a ticking time bomb, and Mulciber knew that.

Barty saw red, his ears rang again, and all he could do was punch.

Punch, until he felt hands on him. Every event was apparently repeated twice that day.

“Fucking hell.” Someone spoke from behind him. Barty froze at the sound of that voice. He let himself be dragged up, feeling how blood both trickled down his lip and nose. “Honestly, Crouch, get a grip.”

Barty stared, frozen in time as if the events unfolding weren’t real. Like he had lost his mind, maybe been knocked out somewhere in the fighting. There was no way he was there, stopping a fight, but Barty heard him. Barty wouldn’t ever mistake that voice.

Evan leaned down, holding his hand out for Mulciber, who grabbed it. Barty stared at the link between them, wanting to chop Mulciber’s hand off for ever accepting Evan’s. Something so foul should never touch something so beautiful.

“Thanks.” Mulciber said. He looked in a state, blood running down his face too. He was missing another tooth; Barty had never been prouder.

“Yeah, whatever.” Evan took a step back, his eyes moving between Mulciber and Barty. He looked cautious, like he knew something was about to happen again. And Barty would have made it happen if it hadn’t been for how his body just stopped listening to him.

“Well, I’m done here. See you Monday, Bee.” Mulciber grinned, giving a wave before he turned around and left.

“What the fuck was that?” Evan asked, turning his attention to Barty. Oh, how Barty loved that, but he looked disgusted. Barty didn’t know if he loved that as much. “What is wrong with you?”

“Don’t give me that. You don’t know me, you don’t get to question me.” Barty muttered, getting out his final cigarette of the pack since he dropped his first one. He sighed as he lit it. “What’cha doing out here anyway?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I was getting some fresh air.” Evan muttered, glaring pure daggers at him.

Barty was aware Evan didn’t like him, that was fine, Barty didn’t like him very much either.

Or, that was a fucking lie. Barty was intrigued by Evan. He liked him, found him pretty to look at. He had a bite to him, he was… intriguing.

Barty puffed on his cigarette, thinking. Evan clearly had a sense of justice large enough to stop Barty from killing someone. Most people would probably not bat them an extra eye. Probably.

Barty was unsure what to say, so he fell silent. His hands were still shaky as he brought his hand up to his lips, taking another drag.

Evan wrinkled his nose and shifted away when Barty blew out smoke. Barty watched him and felt a little bad. It pained him - truly pained him - but Barty took the cigarette and dropped it to the ground, stomping it out. He watched it die. It was only half-smoked.

And he was down to no cigarettes to fuel his addiction. He already knew he would ask Remus for another pack, and then he would swear to himself it was the last one.

So the cycle repeats.

“Thanks.” Evan watched Barty’s feet.

“Aye, it’s fine.” It was not fine, but he was tired, and he didn’t want to blow smoke in Evan’s face when he so clearly hated it. Instead, Barty slid down the wall again, closing his eyes. “Did you see the end of the game?”

“I hate hockey, I left before the third period started.” Evan’s voice was sharp, harsh. Almost poison, but still, it was probably the most soothing thing about him. Barty did love to poison himself after all. He loved Evan’s voice and his eyes. Barty was mad for those eyes. “Shouldn’t you be with your team? Or did you lose that badly that you needed to beat someone up?”

“I don’t know if we lost.” Barty shrugged, cracking a bitter smile. “Got a game misconduct before it finished.”

It was his fault. Everything was his fault.

“Of course, you did. I’m not even surprised.” Evan scoffed. Barty opened his eyes, glancing at Evan who was staring at him. Their eyes met. “So, what’d you do? Fight on the ice?”

“Aye.”

“You really are an absolute arsehole, aren’t you?” Evan stated it more than he asked it. He said that and stood on his feet for a moment. A moment that Barty thought meant he would leave, but then, he slid down the wall, dropping next to Barty. “Do you fight for the fun of it?”

“I fight because nothing matters.” Barty looked out over the parking lot not far away. “I fight because the ground tries to swallow me whole.”

Evan fell silent. They sat like that, in silence, for a while. It wasn’t comforting silence, it was honestly the most brutal silence Barty had ever been sat in. Something about Evan being there was off. Evan felt off anyway, like he wasn’t really there.

Barty had a moment of panic. What if Evan wasn’t real? He had to be, Mulciber acknowledged him. He couldn’t acknowledge Barty’s insanity.

Barty still reached out, though, touching Evan’s arm. Evan glanced at him, his eyes a complete storm.

“What are you doing? Don’t touch me.” He hissed. Maybe Barty liked the silence more after all. He pulled his hand back like Evan was fire. Well, he was fire. He burned bright and strong like fire.

“Just checking something.” Barty mumbled, not wanting to sound like an absolute lunatic.

“Your hand’s bloody.” Evan nodded to his hand, Barty looked at it. It was Mulciber’s blood, but his knuckles were also bruised. He wiped his hand on his jeans, getting rid of the worst of it. “Your face is too.”

“Fuck, you’re nitpicking, Goldilocks.” Barty still wiped at his face, not wanting to know how he looked in Evan’s eyes. Evan was beautiful, so far out of Barty’s league that it was ridiculous.

“Goldilocks?”

“Aye, you know, because of your hair.”

“That’s so shit.” Evan shook his head with a noise escaping him. A noise that might have been a laugh. Barty’s heart skipped as if it were a laugh. He hoped it was a laugh.

“Do you prefer ‘doll’ then, Rosier?”

“I prefer ‘Evan’, Crouch.” Evan growled.

“And I prefer Barty.”

The words hung between them. Barty didn’t quite dare to call Evan by his name, mostly because he didn’t think Evan would like it. He said he preferred it, but Barty didn’t think it was meant for him to say.

Barty pulled his legs up to his chest and placed his chin on his knees, looking back out over the parking lot. He could see cars pulling out, people wandering around everywhere. The arena had clearly emptied by then. Barty wondered if someone was looking for Evan. He was probably there to watch Sirius and James, supporting them the same way they had been at the figure skating finals.

Or maybe they had been there for Regulus. Did Evan not have any friends? He seemed friendly with Regulus, so he might just have come along for Regulus. If Evan was lonely, Barty felt even worse for acting like he had. Something about Evan drew out parts of him he couldn’t quite contain. Evan was that addicting.

Barty sighed as he looked down at his knees.

“I’ve been a dick to you.” He mumbled into them. “During the finals.”

“And when we first met.” Evan added. Barty groaned at the memory. He had never been so embarrassed while admitting to eyefucking someone. He regretted that interaction more and more with every second that passed.

“Aye, and when we first met.” Barty took a deep breath. “I guess, what I’m trying to say is…I’m sorry. I should never have said or done any of it. And you can still hate me, I wouldn’t hold that against you.”

“Good, because I do. You think a sorry makes you less of an arsehole? Everyone can apologise. It takes actions to prove it means something.”

“I know.” Barty hummed. He did know. If anyone knew, it was Barty. He practically lived his everyday life trying to prove himself to Remus through actions. “I just wanted you to know I feel remorse for how I treated you. If we ever see each other again, I promise to at least try to be normal.”

Barty glanced at Evan, watching how he chewed on his lip. He looked like he was weighing his options in his head. Barty was ready for him to leave, he wouldn’t hate it if he did. He had said what he needed anyway.

“You’re exhausting.” Evan leaned his head back against the wall.

“Aye, really fucking exhausting.” Barty chuckled, somewhat bitter, somewhat with humour.

Another silence stretched. For hating Barty, Evan seemed to stay an awful long time. Barty was working on figuring Evan out, all he could see was what he knew himself.

Evan was running from something.

Barty would give anything to know what it was.

“I heard you and Lupin live together.” Evan broke the silence. News travelled fast in small circles. Sirius must have told him after Remus told Sirius.

“We do.” Barty nodded slowly. “We’re quite good mates, as you know. What about you? You seem posh. I bet your family has money.”

“I have my own flat.”

“And posh wins. So you live alone?” Barty watched closely as Evan glanced back at him. Their eyes met in that electric way that made Barty want to do unspeakable things to Evan. Things he wouldn’t do because he was proving himself.

But fuck, did he want to.

“Soon.” Evan offered, and Barty couldn’t quite understand what soon meant. Did he have a roommate who was moving out? It didn’t really matter, what mattered was that it was clear to Barty that he was right.

Evan was running. Evan lived alone, without his parents. Maybe that was why Barty saw him as so intriguing. He saw a piece of himself there, in those green eyes.

Barty wanted to ask more, he wanted to talk to Evan until he had figured him out, but before he had the chance, Evan finally stood up.

He was leaving.

“I think I’ve stayed away long enough. Someone ought to be looking for me soon.” Evan brushed off his trousers. “You should wash your face.”

“I probably look like shit, right?” Barty snorted.

“Oh, yeah, more so than usual.” Evan didn’t look apologetic, but his voice was softer than it had been before. Evan shoved his hands in his pockets before he took a step back.

Barty watched him, waiting for him to walk away and disappear, but for some reason, Evan didn’t rush. It was like he wanted Barty to keep him there, and Barty did want that, he just didn’t know what to say.

A few seconds passed between them, and then Evan turned around and walked away.

Barty watched him go until he turned the corner and was out of his sight. The second he was alone, he wanted another cigarette.

He opened the pack even if he knew he would find nothing there. With a heavy groan, he stood up. He needed to get his bag that he left, but he really couldn’t care less at the moment. He would get it later.

All he wanted was to go home.

So that was what he did, already knowing that when Remus came home, Sirius would come along too.

And he would probably have to apologise to the prick.

* * *

Remus didn’t know what to do. He had been sitting frozen up on the bleachers since Barty hit Sirius on the ice. The arena had emptied out little by little, and now, only Remus was left.

The Zamboni ran over the ice; the game was done.

Barty was probably gone, Remus hated that. He couldn’t think about anything else. Barty had left, he was gone, and Remus didn’t know where he was.

But he couldn’t move because he didn’t know what to say or what to do.

In reality, he was furious. So fucking furious. What gave Barty the right to fight Sirius? If it had been any other player, Remus wouldn’t feel like he did, he was sure of it. But it wasn’t any other player, it was Sirius. Because, of course, it was.

Barty always did that.

Remus was fucking tired of it, so he had remained put.

He was screaming in the back of his mind, screaming at himself because when Barty wasn’t there, Remus was drowning. And Remus didn’t want to drown, he was so done with it.

But he couldn’t deal with him. Remus felt like he was losing a fundamental part of himself, that part that could always deal with Barty, but somewhere, Barty was always the same.

If Remus wanted to trust Barty again, he had to make sure he kept his word. Barty wouldn’t disappear, Remus would see him again.

Remus jumped when his phone buzzed. He almost expected it to be Barty, but it wasn’t. It was Sirius.

Where you at?

Remus felt a smile on his lips while Barty was pushed to the back of his mind.

Bleachers.

He responded. A moment later and he saw Sirius climb the stairs. He waved when he saw Remus, almost skipping over to him.

“Hi!” Sirius fell down in the seat next to him. He dropped his duffel bag to the floor. “What a game, huh?”

“Congrats on the win.” Remus hummed, looking between Sirius and the ice. “You alright?”

“Because Crouch punched me?” Sirius asked, and Remus nodded slowly. Fucking idiot of a best friend he had. “Yeah, I’m fine, we have gear, I barely felt anything. Plus, I’m tougher than I look.”

Remus turned his head back to Sirius. He took in his face, his beautiful face. His cheeks were a bit flushed, probably from the cold and playing a game of hockey. His hair hung nicely down his shoulders.

“Yeah.” Remus exhaled deeply.

“So, what do you wanna do? I’ve said my goodbyes and stuff, so I’m all yours.” Remus almost choked at those words. Sirius seemed to catch on to what he said too. His face flushed even more, red all the way down his neck. “I didn’t mean–”

“All mine, huh?” Remus leaned forward a little. He couldn’t help himself because teasing Sirius was suddenly the most fun he could have. “I won’t say no to that.”

Sirius opened his mouth before he closed it again.

“Now I’m dizzy.” Sirius finally croaked out in a whisper. Sirius often did that. He just spoke his mind. Remus had realised that when talking on the phone. Remus would say something, and Sirius would just respond with what he was thinking or feeling. He made talking look easy.

“Sorry.” Remus swallowed, thinking hard about what to do next. There were so many things he wanted to do, so much he wanted to experience with Sirius, but he didn’t want to go too fast.

Remus placed his hand with his palm up on his leg. It was an invitation, he thought it was clear. Sirius looked down at his hand, he knew it was an invitation too, Remus was sure.

And Sirius accepted it. It took quite a while, but Sirius eventually placed his hand in Remus’s. His palm was clammy, Remus was sure his hand wasn’t the nicest to hold either. He couldn’t say he cared very much, feeling Sirius’s touch was everything he wanted.

“You have big hands.” Sirius mused, his fingers linking with Remus’s. Remus’s eyes were locked on the way their hands fit together. He did have bigger hands than Sirius, but they still fit together perfectly. “How’d you get this?”

Sirius pointed at one of the scars on Remus’s hand. He wasn’t sure how to respond. Barty said he should be more honest, but he wasn’t exactly in the mood to discuss his trauma. At least not yet.

“I don’t remember.” Remus mumbled instead.

Sirius looked up, and Remus forced himself to do the same so he could meet those grey eyes. Remus wanted to lean closer, so he did. Just an inch.

Sirius seemed to panic when he did, pulling back instead and taking his hand out from Remus’s. He fiddled with his hair, dragging his hands through it.

“Are you scared of me?” Remus teased, reaching out for Sirius’s hand again.

“Only a little.” Sirius turned back to look at him. “I’m just nervous. I don’t know what’s gonna happen.”

“Well, I won’t push you into anything.” Remus stroked the back of Sirius’s hand with his thumb. Sirius’s attention was drawn to their hands once again. “If you want, we could go out and eat somewhere. You must be hungry after the game.”

“Yeah, a little.” Remus stood up, tugging on Sirius’s arm to get him up too. Sirius grabbed his bag and followed him up.

“What would you like to eat?”

“I don’t know. What do you recommend? You live here anyway.” Sirius said as they walked together, hand in hand, out of the arena.

“There are a few restaurants in town. We can check them out and pick one.”

“Sure.” Sirius agreed easily.

The wind blew quite aggressively outside. Sirius’s hair flew in his face. Remus was practically mesmerised by the way he reached and pulled it back.

“Isn’t it annoying?” Remus asked. “The hair.”

“Maybe sometimes.” Sirius shrugged. “It’s so me though. I always wanted long hair, so I grew it out when I had the chance. I hate when the ends get frayed, and Effie drags me to the hairdresser.”

“That’s Potter’s mother, right?” Remus asked, recalling information he knew from their phone calls. He wanted Sirius to know he remembered, so he asked about it.

“Yeah, exactly.” Sirius nodded. He lived with them, Remus hadn’t asked why. He didn’t see it relevant because if Sirius wanted him to know, he would have told him, that was how Sirius worked after all. If he wanted to speak, he did. Babbled. Endlessly. Remus loved it. So, it was probably sensitive, and Remus knew a thing or two about withholding sensitive information. “But yeah, long hair is my hair. I tie it up when I play hockey, and it works like a charm.”

“I like your hair.” Remus mumbled, squeezing Sirius’s hand a little.

Sirius chuckled faintly, squeezing Remus’s hand back.

They got closer to the centre of the town. Several restaurants had their doors open, menus on display outside.

Remus let Sirius lead him through the street, watching how Sirius took in all the sights. Remus could probably watch Sirius forever. He was perfect in so many ways.

All the texting, all the phone calls, everything had led up to that moment, and that it was there showed Remus exactly how comfortable he was around Sirius. How well they worked together. They could talk, they could laugh, and Remus could just exist.

It felt too good to be true that Remus would have a shot with Sirius, but there they were.

“Can we eat here?” Sirius asked, looking up at him. He was quite a bit shorter than Remus.

“Of course.” Remus stepped inside, Sirius right behind. The restaurant wasn’t full, but there were quite a lot of people still. Remus felt Sirius let go of his hand once they were inside.

It stung somewhere, but Remus understood it. Sirius probably wasn’t comfortable.

They got a table and ordered a bit later.

“So, Remus.” Sirius clasped his hands together. “You hate figure skating. What’s up with that?”

“You’ve waited over a month to ask me that?” Remus chuckled. “And the way you do it is like a therapist.”

“Because of my hands?” Sirius placed his palms flat against the table. “Better?”

“I s’pose.” Remus couldn’t get the smile off his face. He was sure his cheeks would hurt by the end of the day. “I don’t really hate it. I love figure skating, I hate competing in it.”

“Well, your hatred sounded deep-rooted from our little conversation.”

“Are you psychoanalysing me, Black?” Remus leaned over the table a little, staring deep into Sirius’s eyes.

“What if I was?”

“Then, you’ll probably be better at getting me to speak than any therapist.” Remus leaned back again. He watched Sirius’s face soften.

“I doubt that.” Sirius chuckled faintly. “It hasn’t exactly gone past me that you’ve not said much about yourself.”

“There’s not much to tell.” Remus felt a little guilty because there probably was. He just didn’t know where to start. Or what was safe. No wonder dating was so hard. “Only child, good childhood, good student.”

“Just as well.” Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know if I could handle a wreck like myself.”

Remus chuckled at the comment, but something twisted inside of him. He was probably a worse wreck than Sirius. He was probably a worse wreck than most people. He wasn’t ready to admit that, he barely admitted it to himself. He knew he wasn’t okay, but he didn’t like to sit and think about what ways he wasn’t.

“So, are your parents home or will it just be us?” Sirius asked, and Remus knew that was a prime opportunity to tell Sirius something about his parents and how they weren’t exactly living there at all.

But he didn’t say anything.

He couldn’t do it.

“No, just you and me.” Remus paused. “And Barty.”

“Right, of course. And Barty.” Sirius frowned when he said his name. Remus wasn’t sure how he would handle that, but he assumed it would be okay. It had to be okay. Barty would just have to deal with it. “I’ll circle back. Figure skating.”

“I guess there’s just something about being judged that I hate.” Remus shrugged. Sirius wasn’t dropping it until he got something. He was a bit like Barty in that sense. Remus could go into the whole story about why he quit another time. “I always skate for myself in the winter, but never competed until this year.”

“Why this year?” Sirius stared at him with deep interest. Remus could see it in his grey eyes.

“For Barty.” Remus said simply. He wouldn’t lie to Sirius, but it was hard to talk about the real issues. He had been talking to Sirius practically every day since they exchanged numbers, but he still struggled to tell him things. But he had been the same when he first met Barty, it was just how he worked.

With walls.

So many walls.

“For Barty. Is everything Crouch with you?”

“Look, I know you hate him, and I get that I don’t come off great hanging out only with my ex-boyfriend, but–”

“You’ve got that right.”

“But.” Remus grabbed Sirius’s hand over the table. “I like you. I really like you.”

“I really like you too.” Sirius blushed deeply.

Their food arrived, and they looked at each other for another moment, still holding hands, before they let go.

They dug in, starting up a much more pleasant conversation about the hockey game. They ignored the incident surrounding Barty, and Sirius talked about his plays instead and how he thought he did on the ice.

“Did you see my pass to James, by the way?” Sirius asked as they left the restaurant a while later. “The cross-court one?”

“You did a few of them.” Remus hummed, grabbing Sirius’s hand in his. “But, yeah, I saw. You were amazing, sweetie.”

Sirius chuckled faintly. It started as a joke, Remus had called Sirius it because he mentioned he liked sweet foods. He made a whole tier list of his favourite candy, and Remus had just called him ‘sweetie’ as a joke.

But it stuck. And actually saying it to Sirius’s face was everything.

“You make me smile a lot.” Sirius took a shaky breath. It didn’t go past Remus that he was breathing quickly. Everything Sirius was his current focus.

“Is that a bad thing?” Remus asked. They stopped at a crosswalk. Remus pressed the button to be allowed to cross.

“Well, my cheeks hurt.” Sirius pouted. Remus’s eyes darted to his pout, to his lips. Sirius must have noticed because he wet his lips. Remus didn’t know if it was conscious or not, but it did make Remus lean in.

And Sirius leaned in with him.

Their lips connected and…

It wasn’t what Remus had expected. 

He had imagined this kiss so many times. He thought it would make everything click into place, but it didn’t. He was sure it would be the moment when everything just made sense.

But it wasn’t like that.

Sirius latched onto Remus’s lips and kissed sloppily. There was too much saliva, too little technique. Remus had never expected Sirius not to know how to kiss, but he was pretty sure Sirius had never kissed anyone before.

A chill ran down his spine, and not in a good way. Remus parted because he couldn’t stay like that. He needed a plan before going into that again, a way to guide Sirius without making him feel bad.

Because, at the end of the day, Sirius could learn how to kiss better, it wasn’t the end of the world, but how Remus approached it would be more important than the kiss itself. If Sirius lost any confidence, he might not want to kiss Remus again.

And that was the last thing he wanted.

The lights for the crosswalk flickered to green, the beeping filling their space. Sirius’s eyes were still closed, his face flushed. At least he had enjoyed it.

“Woah.” Sirius gasped, blinking his eyes open. Remus smiled gently at him before he led him over the road. “Can we do that again?”

“Let’s get home first.” Remus chuckled, squeezing Sirius’s hand. “Then, you can kiss me all you want.”

The walk wasn’t much longer. Sirius stumbled over his feet as he followed Remus like a fawn who just learned how to walk. Remus found it endearing the effect he had on Sirius. Sirius had that effect on him too, he was just better at hiding it. Sirius was very obvious with his emotions. He was a ‘heart-on-sleeve’ kind of man, and, well, Remus was not.

“This is me.” Remus showed Sirius up to the house. Sirius looked around like he was memorising every detail from the path leading up to the house to the bushes lining the walls.

Remus didn’t need to unlock the door, it was already open. He felt a weight lift from his chest, a weight he hadn’t even known was there. If the door was unlocked, Barty was home. If Barty was home, he was not gone.

They stepped inside, and the lights were off. Remus almost didn’t want to turn them on. They had gotten into a habit of staying in the dark to save electricity. Just a few more days, and they should be okay.

Remus knelt to take off his shoes, Sirius did the same.

“Barty?” Remus flicked the light switch, calling into the house. There was no response.

“Nice paintings.” Sirius commented, looking at the wall of paintings that Remus had started after that first time Remus and Barty had painted together. It had grown with time, quite a lot actually. “I didn’t know you could paint.”

“Well, I try.” Remus shrugged, admiring Sirius’s expression as he fixated on one painting in particular. The snowy forest. Remus was quite proud of that one, he had managed to get lightning from the moon and stars to really shine.

“Oh, hello.” Remus turned his head to find Barty leaning in the doorway into the living room. He looked like shit. He had bruises on his face, a fat lip, and a swelling eye.

“What the fuck happened?!” Remus stepped forward and grabbed his hand to check his knuckles. “Who did you fight?”

“Mully-boy.” Barty grinned, and, of course, it was Mulciber. Why wouldn’t he fight Mulciber? Remus wanted to slap sense into him, and maybe he would have if Barty didn’t already look like he was in a lot of pain. He couldn’t leave him alone for a few hours without Barty doing something stupid. Barty’s eyes shifted from Remus to Sirius. “Did you get hurt during the game?”

“No.” Sirius scoffed. Remus let go of Barty’s hand and took a step back. “You did nothing. It was shameful really.”

Barty took a step forward, and Remus placed himself between Sirius and Barty. Barty looked like he was ready to jump Sirius again, while Sirius smirked.

Fucking idiots.

“Okay, I know you don’t like each other.” Remus held his hands up. “But please, can you at least pretend to get along?”

“Of course.” Barty smiled sweetly. Too sweetly. That sweet smile he had when he was hiding something. It never reached his eyes when he smiled like that. They remained dark, almost pitch black, like he was ready to burn the world around him. He probably was.

Remus felt his heart beat faster. Something was so very wrong, and he knew it was, but he didn’t know what to do to fix it. His attention was somewhere else, and deep down, he hated himself for that. He wished he could be two people just so he could deal with that situation. One person to be with Sirius, and the other to just sit with Barty and make him feel better.

Remus would devote as much time as he could to Barty, but there had to be a point where he had to be able to also enjoy other things.

Remus hated that he had to be the one who moved forward first, it would have been easier if Barty had hit that point before him. But he hadn’t, and Remus was the one who had to deal with that.

“Come, Sirius, I’ll show you my room.” Remus beckoned, dragging Sirius with him through the corridor and down to the room at the end. He opened the door and let Sirius inside. “Just make yourself comfortable, and I’ll join you in a bit. Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” Sirius looked around. Remus decided he didn’t care what Sirius did in there. He could flip his room upside down if he wanted, but he doubted he would, though. Sirius wasn’t Barty.

Remus sighed as he closed the door gently. He headed into the living room, where Barty had retreated. He was lying down on the sofa, scrolling on his phone. He didn’t look up at Remus when he came into the room.

“I’m not going to talk about it.” Barty mumbled, rolling over so his back was turned towards Remus. “I’m not in the mood for you to get all serious with me.”

“I just want to understand what happened.” Remus sighed, sitting down by Barty’s feet. He refrained from touching him, already knowing what would happen if he did. “I thought things were okay.”

“Aye, they were. Until they weren’t.” Barty kicked weakly at Remus. He kicked once more when Remus didn’t move, but gave up after that. “I don’t know, Remus. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just so fucking done, okay? The whole game was shit, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t wanna play, and then I snapped. Sorry. I’m an arsehole, just be disappointed and be done with it.”

“I’m not disappointed, I’m just confused.”

“Then, go be confused with your boyfriend. Honestly, I’m fine. We can chat when he’s gone because I currently can’t stand the thought that you’re spending time with someone else over me, and I know I’m selfish, and I know I’m being unreasonable, but that’s how it is.” Barty sat up abruptly. “I will stay here, I won’t go anywhere, now please, leave me the fuck alone.”

Barty didn’t raise his voice, but he sounded like he was right on the brink of doing so. He was in the register for screaming, yet he didn’t scream. Remus simply nodded. He was somewhat impressed, Barty always yelled.

“Okay.” Remus stood up. “I’m sorry.” He stopped in the doorway. He tapped the doorframe for a brief second, thinking about what to say. About what to do. That was what he wanted, right? To be with Sirius and not worry about Barty. “I love you.”

Remus whispered it, maybe he was scared Sirius would hear, maybe he just didn’t have the energy to speak louder. He was tired, and it all had been leading up to that moment. Where Remus couldn’t handle Barty anymore.

“Love you too.” Barty whispered back, just as quiet, but with more force. He was hurt, and Remus couldn’t deal with that.

Maybe he was the worst best friend, while Barty was the best.

He sighed heavily as he opened the door and went back into his bedroom.