Work Text:
When Seungmin debuts, he thinks he has some idea of how he’ll be received by the public and people who will hopefully become their fans. He knows exactly what he lacks, where he needs to improve, what to put aside. One of those things is any private hope of being the most popular member. It’s not realistic for someone as plain as he is, someone who got such little screentime through their traumatizing survival program, especially not when grouped with members who already have some kind of title to them. The visual Hyunjin, the legacy man Chan, the cutest maknae Jeongin, the dark rapper Changbin. It’s true that Seungmin will proceed with the title of main vocal, but it still feels like something he needs to earn. And he will. He’s dedicated, he’s determined, he’s stubborn as a bull in good ways and bad.
All these thoughts and more fly through his mind once he and his members have finished bawling their eyes out on the floor of their first ever music show green room.
They’re yet to be scolded and likely won’t have their performance picked apart by the trainers or PD-nim until they’re back at the company, so for now Seungmin lets himself feel relief but not quite satisfaction. All that matters right now is that they did it. They really, actually debuted. A long and arduous year and a half of training and ten weeks of suffering on a prime time Mnet evening slot and Seungmin’s voice didn’t crack once during their debut performance. It’s their day one, and it’s real. He’s an idol.
This is his day one, and he has a fan letter.
Seungmin doesn’t know what to say when the staff member hands it over to him. At first he wonders if they’re mistaken, but his name is written right there on the blue envelope, sealed by a Pororo sticker that Seungmin runs his fingers over reverently. It’s for him. He tries to preserve as much of the sticker and paper as possible as he opens it, careful, unfolding the letter inside and gasping at the length of it. The penmanship leaves a little be desired, but Seungmin can’t find it in himself to care where normally he’s a stickler for it. It’s just so… kind. So thoughtful. Someone thought of him.
It’s from a boy named Jisung. He says in his letter that they’re same age friends; in fact, he claims to be almost exactly a week older than Seungmin, and the phrase makes him smile. Almost exactly. It’s silly and contradictory. Jisung has a lot of personality in his writing, and there’s a melody to it that Seungmin enjoys and finds easy to settle into.
Jisung says he’s been Seungmin’s fan since the survival show. He watched it with his cousin who is apparently obsessed with Hyunjin and got more invested than he thought he would or could. He’s never followed idols before, but Seungmin feels different. Special to him. Jisung writes that he’s kind of embarrassed to admit it, but he feels like he can say it to Seungmin. He talks about how much he admires Seungmin’s voice and all of the effort and time he puts into it, how he crafts himself to fit every song no matter the style or concept or topic and it’s… a lot. A lot of praise. Far more than Seungmin has heard lately. Enough he feels himself light up bright red, curling up into a ball on the couch when Chan joyously teases him. Seungmin hears him say something about the fangirls having lots to say about their puppy, but Seungmin remains tight lipped. Jisung feels as special to Seungmin as he might to him.
For that whole first three weeks of promotions and the whirlwind that comes with finally debuting, there is a letter from Jisung waiting faithfully at the end of every performance. Jisung talks about school, among his reactions to Seungmin’s performances and the variety content being released. Jisung is so bold as to say he’s the funniest, and Seungmin wonders if that could be his thing.
It takes another few letters for Seungmin to realise that when Jisung is talking about school, he means university. Jisung casually mentions doing his placements early, acing out of high school years early like some silly little detail he left out by accident, like they’re friends gossiping. It makes Seungmin a little- disappointed. Kills that private hope that maybe, Jisung was among his peers. He speaks so fondly and enthusiastically of music that Seungmin wondered if maybe he attended SOPA with Hyunjin or Jeongin, or some other school for people like them. Jisung comes across as someone who is incredibly creative. He writes his own lyrics and shares them with Seungmin and admits that he imagines them in his voice, includes composing notes, references specific performances of Seungmin’s and the voices he uses. Jisung mentions in one letter that he wanted to be an idol once too, but that it didn’t work out. Says sometimes it’s hard to even go outside, so he can’t imagine being on a big stage like Seungmin. But he says he’s grateful everyday that Seungmin is. Jisung says that Seungmin was born for it, like it’s Seungmin’s thing, and Seungmin rolls around in his bed and tries not to disturb Jeongin as he tries to extinguish his blush into his pillow.
Comebacks pass and their group steadily grows in popularity. The letters don’t stop and Seungmin studies faces and names at fan signs and meets and hopes to see a familiar one, to attach a name to a face. He doesn’t. Jisung says in his letters that he’s shy. Would feel out of place, among all of the girls.
Seungmin continues to keep his letters from Jisung close to his chest and doesn’t dare share them, not with anyone, not even Jeongin. He wishes most nights that he could write back. Wishes he could tell Jisung that his lyrics and the way he spins everyday happenings into poetry on paper inspires him. That Jisung makes him want to sing even longer.
Jisung says some nights he feels so terribly lonely, but knowing Seungmin is out there makes it feel a little less overwhelming. Knowing he’s got someone in his corner even if they’re never met, even if Seungmin has never even read a single letter he’s sent, and Seungmin feels the same. He wishes he could tell him that Jisung will always be able to rely on him. Wishes that for all Jisung can make these one-sided letters feel like a conversation between friends, he could just… talk to him. Ask him questions back. Show him how much he cares in return.
Jisung is a big fan of his puppy mascot and says it looks just like him. Applauds the way he’s shedding his dandy persona for their cool, edgy new concept, and rewrites his compliments on the pre-release photos so many times Seungmin can hardly make out what he’d written down the first few times before scribbling over them. Jisung says he likes Seungmin’s braces and instructs him not to be insecure about them, that he still sounds and looks lovely. Jisung says his brother tried to give him a driving lesson and he freaked out so bad he got lightheaded. He says he ended up being first in line to purchase their most recent physical album on release date and it’s the earliest he’s woken up in years, but it was worth the headache for the photocard he got.
Jisung gives updates on school. Says he’s made friends with an international student, and an upperclassman who’s just as weird as he is. He loves the new songs. He says to ignore the hyungs who made fun of his aegyo, that he’s perfectly cute the way he is. Says he kind of screamed when he saw Seungmin’s end of year performance, but only a little. Says he converted his international friend into a fan and that he almost has his upperclassman friend roped in, banking on the crush he has one of the other members. Jisung tried the food Seungmin mentioned on Bubble and enjoyed it and jokingly asked where his anniversary gift was when he reached 500 days of subscription, and if that is the reason why Seungmin sent through a few rare selfies no one needs to know.
Jisung says his cousin is no longer a fan because of that shiny new boy group but not to worry, because Jisung will be his fan for life. Seungmin turns 18 and then 19 and then 20, Jisung a week before. Jisung includes pictures of the fan café he attended to celebrate Seungmin’s 20th, given it is coincided with a comeback, and in one of the photos there is a somewhat blurry capture of Jisung’s hand, a puppy themed drink beside his peace sign, and it makes Seungmin’s heart race because it’s his first proof in all these years that Jisung is a real, tangible person. He’s wearing a ring, shaped in a chain of daisies. There’s a matching bracelet.
Something comes over Seungmin. Something a little frenzied. They have an airport departure tomorrow, and there’s this little trinkets and craft store Hyunjin is obsessed with on the way back to the dorms-
It’s like Seungmin blacks out. Wakes up with a plastic bag of daisy beads and a spool of wire, standing and staring imploring at Hyunjin for help. He’s confused but helps him craft a necklace anyway, though he does wrangle a face mask out of him in payment. Jeongin floats by with a camera doing his mandated hour of vlogging, giddy to capture the pair of them in such an embarrassing state with their hair pushed back by character headbands and green slop all over their faces. Jeongin asks, amused, what on earth they’re doing. Seungmin is not crafty. It’s a normal sight for Hyunjin, maybe, but not Seungmin. When he blushes bright red he hopes the face mask and his shaggy bleached hair covers up the most incriminating evidence, though for some inexplicable reason he blurts, “I’m making it for a friend.”
Hyunjin is quick and apparently better trained than Seungmin. He spins it into it being for the fans, teasingly implies it could be a spoiler though it isn’t. It’s an out, but also a probe, and even Jeongin looks suspicious.
Seungmin isn’t naïve. He knows he’s probably not… straight. But in this line of work he doesn’t get to have a sexuality, at least not in a way that can’t be profited off conceptually. All that matters is he’s good at fan service. Everything else? Water off a duck’s back. Malleable.
He doesn’t know if Jisung is like him. if maybe Jisung’s admiration runs a little deeper for the idol he thinks he knows. If Seungmin is any better having a puppy crush on a one-sided pen pal. His fan. His first fan. Jisung. who it feels like he knows. His friend. His reason.
Jisung, who shares a birth week and one day almost exactly and a coffee order and has a pet dog and two friends he trusts and no drivers license and doesn’t know what to do when he really, truly grows up. Who writes lyrics in class for Seungmin to sing and stays up too late for their release schedules. Jisung who is terrified of a lot of things but trying to grow out of it and replays Seungmin’s first OST for courage. Jisung.
Seungmin wears his freshly made daisy chain over his jacket. He makes sure it’s visible, fussing repeatedly in the car, enough so that Changbin huffs and eventually reaches out to position it just right. Seungmin gives silly aegyo to the reports who have watched him finish puberty and prays it reaches past them to a boy who might be in class, watching Incheon Live Departures, and Seungmin hopes.
Hopes Jisung will see him. Hear him. Hopes in the daisies he sees the same message- I care about you, too.