Chapter Text
When Dean wakes and opens his eyes, it is to drown in Cas’ wondering gaze.
He is warm, the angel’s arms still around him. He is safe, Cas’ heartbeat steady and comforting.
Dean finds himself moving just enough to raise his lips to Cas’. Because he can. Because he simply needs to. Cas’ tongue against his makes his dick twitch back to life and heat pools in his groin, the instant want so fierce it’s almost painful.
“Fuck me, Cas,” he rasps.
Had he thought before speaking, he’d most definitely expected some kind of protest, instinctive refusal, some doubt. What he gets is Cas’ eyes lighting up. The angel using his grace to get Dean ready. And isn’t that cause for damnation in itself? The thought gets blasted right out of Dean’s head when he is being moved to lie on his back and Cas climbs between his legs.
Dean’s heart hitches. This is what Cas wants, how he chooses to do this? He feels vulnerable but perfectly so. He wants to be this for Cas. He could spend an eternity watching the angel’s blush, lips half opened in want, eyes blazing as he takes charge, takes himself in hand and guides his dick to Dean’s hole, gliding in smoothly to the hilt, filling Dean in more ways than the one.
And why is he close to tears right now? There’s no pain, none at all. It’s just him. No, not just. It’s him and Cas and it’s perfect, the way they are joined as if this is meant to be. Is this how it feels if you are with someone you love? With the person for you?
When Cas moves and Dean sees stars, he concludes that yes, this must be it.
“Dean?”
Cas sounds wrecked already, as much as worried.
“I’m good,” Dean assures him. “More than.”
“I’m not hurting you, am I?”
“Hell no!”
As if in emphasis, Dean widens his legs, even goes so far as to hook one over Cas’ hip.
“Just…take me, any way you need.”
Instead of spurring Cas on, Dean’s words make the angel stop. Bring a hand to the side of Dean’s face to get him to meet Cas’ gaze. Dean’s heart starts hammering at the look in Cas’ eyes. Way too serious and dark for the position they are in.
“What’s wrong? What did I say?”
“Dean.”
Cas saying his name like this alone makes Dean shiver.
“You are what I want. This is more than I ever thought you would be willing to give.”
Dean swallows but it’s no use, his throat is too tight and he can’t speak.
Cas glances down, to where they are joined. To where Dean opened himself to him.
“What I need is to keep you safe. I want you happy. I didn’t think that…”
“What, angel?” Dean gets out, voice raw.
It’s beyond strange, having this talk with Cas between his legs, inside of him. But how ever could they have broached the subject if not in this kind of position. With Dean finally open and ready – able – to talk about any of this.
“I didn’t think you would ever allow…this,” Cas says. “Now I’m…”
He hesitates again and Dean clenches involuntarily, as if to hold him in, close. Cas moans
“I’m afraid this is going to be taken away from me again. What I need, Dean, is to be allowed to love and protect you for as long as you live!”
Dean’s eyes widen and his mouth hangs open in shock. He didn’t see that coming! He should have, for this is Cas, and the angel had the whole night to think, holding Dean and brooding on the sex, the –
“I’m sorry. This is not the right time…”
When Cas makes as if to withdraw, pull out, Dean grabs him, too hard maybe, but he’ll be damned if he lets him go now. Or, ever, he realizes in a flash.
“Cas. Stop! Stay where you are, don’t you dare…I want this, ok? I want you, I’ve always…Damn, I’m no good doing this. How are we even doing this when you should be fucking – “
“You want me to make love to you first, then we talk?”
Dean’s lips curl into a smile and he nods. Of course that’s how the angel would go about this.
“Make love to me, Cas,” he says softly, giving in. Pulling Cas down for a kiss that is more loving than sexy and has him on the brink of tears.
Since when is sex getting him this emotional? Since it’s Cas who is now thrusting into him, hitting the perfect spot right away, feeling perfect in any way, thick and pulsing between his legs, inside his body, the first and last to ever go there. The only one who should.
Dean’s thoughts dissolve into blackness, pleasant, warm and perfect heat building from what Cas is doing to him, from how gentle he is, how much Dean can feel his care, yet also his want, with how Cas is starting to lose his rhythm, hips stuttering and Dean telling him: “Let me see you, Cas. Let me feel you come.”
The sound Cas makes is more of a sob than a groan when he does, thrusting deep and jerking there, face scrunched up adorably and holding on to Dean tight enough to leave bruises as he gives in to his deepest desire, marking Dean as his.
Dean knows, he can read Cas as if he were talking. He can feel the intensity of it all, from how Cas shudders as he rides his orgasm, from the abandon visible in every fiber of his being, his total focus on Dean and their joining, on how Dean follows him over the edge right after, almost violently so.
Cas’ lips are glistening, half opened, head hanging as he trembles with aftershocks, never pulling back even an inch, still buried as deep as he can possibly be.
“I love you, Dean,” Cas breathes with his eyes still closed.
Is he afraid of what he’ll be seeing in Dean’s? Is that why? Dean wonders. He does a half crunch to get his mouth to Cas’, to fuse their lips.
“Don’t ever doubt that I love you right back,” Dean hears himself say, breathe, into Cas’ mouth. “I may not be the best at talking about stuff like that, but – “
“I know,” Cas interrupts him, yet Dean feels the angel’s lips curl under his and he chuckles.
“‘Course you do.” Dean swallows. Feels Cas twitch inside of him.
“Is that angel stamina or just you?”
Cas snorts lightly: “I would say it is all you.”
“So you could actually go again, right now?”
Cas shrugs and Dean grins: “Angels. Never stop surprising you.”
“I don’t think angels usually…” Cas starts to say, only to stop, understand, then give Dean that heart-stopping grin Dean loves so much.
“How about we take round two to the shower, sweetheart?”
Cas looks confused for a moment: “You mean…?”
“I mean let’s shower. Together.” Dean clarifies. Adding, after a glance at the bedside clock: “We’ll hit the road after.”
It’s a good plan. Yet it doesn’t progress any further than Cas carefully pulling out of Dean. The loss of him, that tangible link – Dean gasps from the ache of it, from how hollow he feels. Again. Those unexpected feelings creep up on him. And he breaks when they hit full force.
Horrified, Dean feels the tears he managed to hold back earlier tumble down his cheeks. Silent at first. Painful nonetheless. And when he tries to breathe, he can’t. His breath hitches, a sound escapes that has Cas’ eyes fly toward his in an instant. Dean’s heart is being squeezed by a giant fist, it hurts that much, and those tears, they just keep coming and he couldn’t even say – well yes, he could. He let his guards down, he let himself fall into this, and now that it’s over…
But it isn’t! Cas is with him. And Cas doesn’t ask. He doesn’t need to. Neither does he expect resistance, and isn’t met with any. Dean lets himself be pulled into Cas’ arms, lets the angel hold together what is threatening to splinter into a million little pieces.
He can’t. He just can’t take another hit. He is tired. Exhausted. He has no emotional strength left, none at all. He has been accused and cursed and abandoned and abused and whatnot, he just can’t –
“Dean.” Cas says his name in that gravelly voice of his.
Yet Dean just shakes his head, keeps it buried in the crook of Cas’ neck and shoulder.
“It’s ok,” Cas says.
He can’t trust this, can he? Cas saying what he did? Them doing this? It can’t last. Nothing good ever does, not for him. Dean’s head is starting to ache, right along with the tight pressure quenching his heart. His entire chest. He needs…
“I need you so much. It scares the hell out of me,” he gets out, throat hurting.
Dean feels Cas nod, hold him tighter. He looks up, seeks Cas’ gaze.
“I fell for you. Don’t you think that is scary too?” Cas explains softly.
“Plenty,” Dean croaks.
Then there’s Cas’ hand on his chest, right where his heart is hammering against his ribcage. It’s not Cas’ grace he feels, but his warmth, his need to comfort Dean. It hurts, his heart. With how much he wants this and how terrified he is of losing it.
“You won’t,” Cas assures him.
“Now you are reading my mind.”
“I don’t need to. I know you, Dean,” Cas says calmly. Secure in his knowledge. Their closeness.
“I meant what I said.”
“Say it again.”
Dean cringes at his words, but what’s one more embarrassment when he is sitting here buck naked after the most amazing sex in his life crying his heart out in front of Cas?
“I want to be with you. Always. I don’t want to leave your side ever again, for as long as you live, and in heaven after that. I’ll find a way back in, I won’t be kept out and away from you. I want to be allowed to love you and protect you. Assure you time and again how special you are.”
Dean knows Cas can feel his heart beating ever faster against his hand as the words keep coming, as Cas is unashamedly pouring his heart out.
Tears, again. Won’t they ever stop? What is happening to him? He hasn’t done this. Ever! He never let anyone see him cry. Not even Sam. Hell, he didn’t even know he could do it, cry this hard. He didn’t know his heart could ache this fiercely. That this strange new fear of losing what isn’t even his to lose –
“I’m yours if you want me, Dean. Always have been.”
Cas’ declaration chokes Dean.
“Fuck, Cas. I want you more than you can possibly imagine.”
“You are sounding more like yourself.”
Dean’s grin is shaky but it’s there.
“Trust me. Trust in this,” Cas pleads. “I’m not letting you down ever again!”
“You didn’t –“
“Oh, I did. And believe me, I will be hating myself for my erroneous ways for the rest of eternity. But you deserve better and I swear –“
“Cas. It doesn’t get any better than you.”
Dean hears the words. And it’s the sound of his voice, sure enough. Yet he still finds himself confused as to how they came out. Slowly but securely, he is starting to suspect that he won’t be able to stuff all those emotions, all those feelings, back into the tight little boxes he hid them in all his life. No, Cas has stripped all that away, leaving him raw enough for this to happen. But it does feel good, in an odd way. Cleansing? Is that it? Dean clears his throat. It feels raw. His nose is stuffy. His head hurts. But the pressure on his chest is receding, starting from where Cas’ hand still rests warmly against it.
“You were suggesting a shower…”
Dean smirks at Cas’ gentle reminder, glad that the other doesn’t ask if he is ok again, doesn’t give him one of those frowns Sam would be throwing his way. No, Cas merely sits, keeping him in a loose but secure hold, letting Dean decide when to pull back.
“Wow, that was…” Dean starts to say when he finally finds the strength to move. But he doesn’t finish the sentence. This doesn’t feel like the time for snarky remarks. It’s not a fun matter. Not at all.
“Thanks, Cas,” is all he says.
“Don’t mention it,” Cas tells him. And Dean smiles, recalling where Cas picked up that reply: Dean providing him with hangover painkillers after Cas drank down that liquor store…
“Don’t ever change,” Dean mutters.
He can’t even find it in himself to blush when he finally slips off the bed and feels Cas’ come trickle down his inner thigh.
“Shower, now!” he declares, glad to find that his voice sounds just about normal.
The hours on the road are quiet.
Cas isn’t much of a talker on his best of days, of course. Yet today, it’s especially unnerving, Dean thinks as he keeps waiting for the other to say something.
Did them crossing those lines ruin what they had?
He already misses Cas’ puzzled inquiries. Him snarking back.
He even misses Cas prying as to how Sam got in touch with demon blood again. Which is why they are on this trip in the first place. Why he needed Cas to come. Dean tried to get Sam off it alone with Bobby that first time and it almost killed Sam. Now, he drank down who knows how many demons, and Dean is scared for him.
Cas stays in the car for the entire ride, at least. That’s something.
But with Dean’s mind and heart shifting wildly from one worry to the next, the drive to where Bobby has finally located Sam remains grueling nonetheless.
Sam knew Dean would be after him. Yet he hadn’t expected him this quickly. And not with Cas already by his side when Sam opens the door of his motel room.
He lets himself be tied down. He knows it needs to happen and he is actually glad that Dean brought Cas. It’s not long before the withdrawal picks up pace and Sam does his best to ride the pain, live through the hallucinations without losing his mind.
The strangest visions come just before the worst seems to have passed and Cas takes over: Sam thinks he sees Dean lean on Cas for support, soft words exchanged, Dean practically melting into the angel. It’s an odd thing to be hallucinating, Sam thinks, in a moment of clarity.
The next thing he feels is Cas’ grace flowing into him, rushing through his body and chasing out what’s left of the blood’s effects.
When Sam comes to again, Cas is still there, lying on his back on the room’s second bed.
“Dean,” Sam clears his throat, trying to catch his brother’s eyes as they are flicking with equal worry from him to Cas and back again.
“Not now, Sammy.”
Dean’s instant refusal to talk isn’t new. Neither exactly is his concern for the angel.
“Why’s Cas still here?”
“It took more than I thought, erasing all demon traces within you,” Cas himself volunteers, and Sam feels even guiltier than he already did when he notices how even turning his head and getting out those few words seems to be more than Cas is able to manage right now.
“You ok?” Sam asks.
“I will be.”
“Shut up and rest, Cas,” Dean tells the angel, sounding angry, which Sam knows means he is actually anxious.
Apparently, Cas figures as much, for he smiles. And closes his eyes.
Sam’s gaze flies to Dean, eyebrows up.
“He’s gonna stay?”
“It’s not as if you’re going anywhere anytime soon,” Dean points out gruffly, evading the actual question.
“I’m staying,” Cas mumbles without opening his eyes.
Dean’s smile at hearing those words is unlike any Sam has ever seen on his brother.