Work Text:
Buck couldn’t help replaying the conversation with his sister in his head when he got to work. How they were a team. Right. A team. Except they were only a team before she ran off with Doug. And then it took them a while to figure out how to be even close to a team when she came to LA because she didn’t trust him. She still saw him as her baby brother, not a grown man. So Buck told Bobby that he had to call his therapist for … de-escalation techniques. Which was kind of true, but it wasn’t the whole truth. Hen, Eddie, and Bobby were huddled together a lot but Chimney … Chimney actually ran away from him. He looked at Buck and just … ran the opposite direction. He looked at Buck, met his eyes, and then physically fled. And no one said anything about it; only commenting that it was weird and he’d eventually talk.
Just another thing he was trying to talk with Dr. Copeland about. She didn’t do what everyone at the firehouse inevitably would do, though. She didn’t say to let it go or brush it off. She said his feelings were valid and that it sounded like his coworker was unable to separate his personal relationship with Buck’s sister with the professional one he had with Buck while at work.
Having his feelings validated was … pretty fucking great, actually. Dr. Copeland said it might be time for him to let go of one of his burdens at the dinner with everyone. That if he felt himself falling into the peacekeeper, like he always did, making himself the target and taking the verbal abuse that they knew his parents were capable of, to switch gears and actually absorb what’s said and respond similarly. She told him it was ok to be an asshole once in a while, which made him laugh. He could forgive all he wanted, but he didn’t have to forget. And that didn’t mean he was holding onto negative shit. It just meant he valued his own mental health over the feelings of people who don’t know him or constantly push him to forgive whether he’s wrong or not. People who never put his wellbeing as a priority, people who never cared about his wellbeing period. He doesn’t have to forgive them for them. He can do it for him. So he wasn’t holding back, but he also wasn’t naive enough to expect a change.
So here Buck was. Going to dinner with Maddie, Chimney, Albert, and Philip and Margaret Buckley. Buck couldn’t figure out why Maddie and Chim were stressing so much, but that’s because he gave up caring if he had his parents’ approval. Albert stayed by Buck, because he did not look like he wanted to be there at all, but Chim had guilted him into coming. Buck … he could play nice for a little while. He could. It was kind of his own fault for not being ready to talk to Maddie about any of it sooner, but, hey. At least this way he could get all of it out in the open for everyone if it came to it. Because he was pretty sure everyone in that room, aside from Albert, knew about the Buckley family secret. They also all thought he didn’t know.
Buck had to blink a few times once his parents were actually there. Actually, physically in the doorway, walking in with gifts. Because they looked old. He tried to remember the last time he saw them, but he was pretty sure his dad’s hair was still brown, or mostly, not varying shades of silver and white. He was also a lot bigger than they were. He was a good four inches, if not more, taller than his dad. It definitely pointed to the truth that he was genetically engineered to a degree. When Albert called him Buck, Buck just smiled.
“Buck. You’re still letting people call you that?” Mom asked, looking like she’d swallowed a lemon.
“It’s just a nickname, mom.” Buck shrugged. “Too many Evan’s in school when I was younger and too many Evan’s in the fire academy when I went through. It’s been my nickname for over half my life.”
“You don’t like nicknames?” Chim asked, him and Albert looking confused.
“But Maddie-” Albert pointed at her, and Maddie put her hands up like she was doing a little dance, making Buck chuckle.
“Is the name on my birth certificate.” Maddie smiled. Chim finally moved to go put the gifts down that were brought, but then his name was called and he actually looked kind of stunned as he blinked.
“Howard- is that what people call you? Howard?” Dad asked, looking at him interestedly, but Chim was looking at Maddie and Buck. Buck arched an eyebrow, telling him to make his own choice.
“Yes.” Chim drew out the word unnecessarily. “Yes, it is.” Buck was not surprised that he’d accepted his given name so easily. If it was something that gave him points with Maddie, he was going to do it. Which was fine. Chim being good to his sister was great. Buck just also kinda wished even a sliver of that concern was shared for Buck since they’d known each other longer.
Albert seemed incredibly relieved that he had an out before the dinner started. He was called into work and Buck snorted, giving him a hug before waving him off. Albert had whispered to text if he needed someone to call him to fake an emergency, patting his back before he was gone. It was actually really sweet. Buck hadn’t had anyone that ever offered something like that before. He was glad that Albert was his friend. He was definitely going to need one after this was all over with, because there was every chance Maddie would never talk to him again and Chim would somehow convince everyone at the 118 that whatever happened was his fault. Like Bobby had done with the lawsuit.
That might be a bit of internal catastrophizing …
After Buck and Eddie had gotten a little drunk one night, after the train wreck and Abby … Buck had sort of blurted out what had led to the lawyer to begin with. Eddie had gotten pissed, but he was too drunk to do anything but fall off the couch. Instead he’d gone and had a conversation with Bobby at some point later on and gotten it off of his chest, not telling Buck what was all said. Eddie blamed Bobby for him thinking he’d lost his best friend for months, for him getting caught in his grief and anger and thinking he needed to beat the shit out of strangers because he couldn’t talk to Buck, thinking Buck had betrayed them all.
Anyway, the more Buck listened to the dinner conversation, the more he’d wished he wasn’t there. There were just … so many little comments about Doug and how they’d had to have their own therapy after it all so they could get through it. Buck had chugged his wine to keep from saying anything. Chim gave him a nervous look, and Maddie gave him a disappointed one, but he. Did not. Care. He was done caring. When they mentioned Buck being in the hospital a lot ‘from what they heard’, he couldn’t stop the disbelieving noise that escaped him. It was just beyond ridiculous at that point. It was obvious that they only cared about their own feelings, not Maddie’s or Buck’s, and Chimney’s didn’t even register for them.
“From what you hear.” Buck repeated, looking at his plate and not at them. “Right. Because you couldn’t call or come see me.”
“You know why we couldn’t.” Mom said, looking like she was going to start crying.
“Because you’re not good with hospitals.” Buck said carefully.
“Not good with seeing our children in them.” She corrected him, and Buck snapped his eyes up to her quickly. It was the opening he needed and she gave it to him without any hesitation and probably no idea what she’d actually just done. It was kind of perfect in how simple it ended up being.
“Mom.” Maddie said sternly, but their mom was still looking at Buck, not Maddie. That’s where Buck wanted her attention anyway.
“See, that doesn’t make sense to me.” Buck said carefully; quietly, ignoring whatever look Maddie might be giving him. “Because I was in and out of doctor offices and the ER pretty much all my childhood. And, weirdly, I have no memories of you ever being there for me. It was always me by myself, or Maddie came to get me. But neither of you ever came inside.”
“Not now, Evan.” Dad chastised.
“Why not now?” Buck asked, standing up and going to put his plate in the sink. He was done. With dinner and with his parents and his sister thinking she was protecting him when all she was doing was helping hurt him. “Let’s get it all out in the open so we don’t have to sit here and pretend like the four of you don’t know things that you’ve convinced yourselves I don’t.”
“Buck- what?” Maddie asked, looking startled.
“Be honest.” Buck said vehemently. “Stop lying to yourselves, and stop lying to me. I know why you aren’t good with hospitals. I know.”
“You couldn’t possibly-” Mom said, getting hysterical. Go figure.
“I am 28 years old, almost 29.” Buck cut her off. “Two years ago I was blown up by an idiot kid with a grudge. I nearly lost my leg. I spent six months in recovery and physical therapy and recertifying. I didn’t hear from either of you once. You never called, which I wasn’t surprised about because, fuck, you never answered the phone when I ran away at 18 years old. After all the shit happened, after I finally got the rod and screws out of my leg, I got a notice from the hospital that I was being offered a settlement because they fucked up looking through my medical history. They found allergy reports that showed I was allergic to what they used. So I got a copy of my records.”
“You had no right-” Dad stood up.
“I had the only right!” Buck shouted back, everyone jumping a little at his volume. “I have spent my entire life feeling like a constant disappointment. You’ve never seen me. All you see when you look at me, the three of you, is the disease that killed Daniel.” The room went dead silent. His dad sat back down heavily, looking like his blood had drained from his face entirely. “You created me, in a fucking lab, to be a genetic match for Daniel to try and cure his cancer. All of which is in my medical records and my medical history. I developed embolisms from the hardware they put in my leg because no one looked at my history and saw that I was allergic. If I had had my embolism blow anywhere other than a yard party surrounded by paramedics, I’d have died. And you three would be partially responsible because you fucking knew I had relevant medical history.
“I am not Daniel. And I’m not playing nice with you just because you decided to finally open your god damned eyes and see that you still have two surviving children. Two children that grew up without you because you were too caught in your own grief. I don’t know what all Maddie knows about this bullshit secret, but I can imagine you brainwashed her into thinking she was protecting me by not telling me. Well, too late. I had to find out on my own. I’m an adult. I learned how to tie a fucking neck tie from my fire captain because my own dad couldn’t be bothered. I had to learn to cook from my fire captain because my own mom wanted me barely seen and never heard. So. You want to come out here and throw around shit about Doug? Where the fuck were either of you? You lived in the same city and instead of actually looking at your daughter, instead of fucking SEEING her, you deluded yourselves into thinking she was obviously too infatuated with her husband and couldn’t spare you a few minutes for a phone call.
“She survived. She does not deserve to sit here and have you bring up one of the darkest moments of her life that lasted for years just because you think it’s ok to talk about since you’ve obviously gotten therapy for it. You never thought to get therapy when your son, my brother, Maddie’s brother, died. We haven’t talked in a decade. You didn’t answer when I called about Maddie being hurt, but I know you called her because I left her number for you to do that. Because I love my sister, the woman who raised me when you couldn’t even fucking look at me. She is giving you more of a chance than you’ll ever get from me. So stop being assholes for one god damned minute and think about what the fuck you’re saying to your daughter.”
“Evan!” Mom called, making him turn around because he’d already headed for the door. She looked milliseconds away from sobbing. “I don’t know what you wanted us to do!”
“Love me, anyway.” Buck said sadly, shaking his head and leaving.
He hurried to the jeep and took off. He didn’t know where he was going, just that he needed to get away. He wasn’t going to go to the loft, because he was not going to let them show up and push, like all four of them always did, and he was just done with being pushed around. It was after midnight when he finally registered the time and the road he was driving down. He sighed heavily and parked on the curb in front of Eddie’s house. He really shouldn’t be there, but he knew it was probably the safest space for him right now. Otherwise he’d … he’d run. That’s what Buckleys did, after all. They ran. His parents ran from him and Maddie, unable to be their parents in any facet. Maddie ran from them, before running from Doug. And Buck had spent around five years running from everything.
He hauled himself out of the jeep and walked quietly up the dark front path before silently letting himself inside. He kicked his shoes off and walked down the hall after making sure the door was locked again. He peeked in Eddie’s room and saw him sprawled across the bed, like always, before continuing to the bathroom. Thankfully Eddie had a pair of shorts hanging up, so Buck stole them along with the hoodie that was hanging up so he didn’t have to stay in his jeans or sneak into Eddie’s room and accidentally wake Eddie up. Buck hung his jeans and long sleeve shirt up in their place and then quietly crept to peek in on Christopher. The kid was out like a light, and Buck couldn’t help smiling as he crept back down the hall and got a pillow and blanket out of the closet before settling onto the couch. He pulled the blanket tight around him and pulled the hood over his face, wanting to block everything out. He felt … relieved to get everything out of his system. To just … let go of everything that he’d been holding in for years. He couldn’t help huffing a small laugh before he was just … crying into the pillow so he was still quiet. He could finally stop carrying the weight of their guilt and disappointment around.
“Dad? Why’s Buck on the couch?” Chris’ quiet voice asked.
“I don’t know, buddy.” Eddie replied just as quietly. “I think our Buck had a bad night and came here because we can make him feel better.”
“I don’t like when he’s sad.” Chris admitted, and Buck had to bury his face in the pillow some more. “Can we make him feel better?”
“Probably.” Eddie agreed. “But unfortunately, it won’t be until maybe tomorrow. We have a long shift starting today, so why don’t you figure something out with Abuela and Carla that we can do for our Buck?”
“I bet Abuelita would make him a special treat like she does for us when we’re sad.” Chris said certainly.
“I bet she would too.” Eddie agreed with a hum. “Let’s eat some breakfast and we’ll try and let him sleep a little longer.”
Buck dozed a little more once it was quiet again, jolting when the front door closed some time later.
“Sorry.” Eddie said apologetically. “Did not mean to shut the door so loudly.”
“‘S fine.” Buck grumbled, yawning and rubbing his face, not moving to get up. “Should get up anyway. Gotta go get a uniform and everything.”
“You’ve got one here.” Eddie shrugged, sitting on the coffee table so he could look at Buck and try to make him look back. “You’ve got an extra uniform and boots in the closet. But, should you be working today?”
“Yes.” Buck mumbled, but he didn’t move to get up from his cocoon.
“Right. That why you’re still wrapped up snug in a blanket and my hoodie?” Eddie asked, leaning forward. “Wanna tell me some of it?”
“I sort of blew up at them.” Buck admitted, muffled by the hoodie and blanket before Eddie moved them out of the way a little, so their eyes could actually meet. “I found something out, years ago, and never told any of them that I knew. Never told anyone, actually. Aside from Dr. Copeland.”
“Was it bad?” Eddie asked curiously.
“I mean,” Buck shrugged, picking at the hoodie strings, “I guess it depends on your definition of ‘bad’. After the bombing, my leg, all of it, when everything was done, the hospital called to sit down with me and offered a settlement. They- someone hadn’t followed up on my release of information. They never called the hospital I went to as a kid. I knew I had a pretty big file there, because I was kinda wild and kept ending up there. I looked through it when I got a copy. I was … my file started from the time I was conceived. Because I was … I was engineered.”
“I don’t understand.” Eddie frowned.
“Daniel Buckley was six years old when he was diagnosed with leukemia.” Buck said quietly. He looked up when Eddie sucked in a breath and saw his eyes widen. “None of the rest of the immediate family were matches for donations, and they weren’t getting the results they needed with chemo, he was still dying. So I was engineered to match. I’ve known for two years. They were all hiding it from me. Maddie, our parents. It was this twisted, demented secret for them. Like they thought they were protecting me from not knowing. Instead, because they all knew how much testing I had to go through to donate, I nearly choked on my own blood when an embolism blew. I was allergic to the hardware, and that was in my record from Hershey. The reaction is what caused me to form blood clots. Maddie knew. She knew I might have relevant medical history and she fucking kept it to herself.” Buck sniffled and swiped at his eyes. “They just wouldn’t stop last night, though. They kept talking about Doug as if it was some bad dream or a random stranger on the street and not an asshole that nearly killed both their daughter and her boyfriend. Saying they went to therapy to get through it.”
“I’m so sorry Buck.” Eddie said gently, making Buck’s eyes water more.
“Why didn’t they go sooner?” Buck croaked. “Why couldn’t they have gone and had therapy when Daniel died? So they could at least be present for me or Maddie? They chose not to go back then. They chose to just bury it and hope it never came back up. And they are the reason I nearly died years ago. I just … am I so hard to be around? Bobby’s the one who taught me how to tie a tie and cook. Not my own fucking parents. They were the reason I chose to be homeless and live out of the car Maddie gave me when I was 18. They were my family. They were supposed to be the ones who loved me for me, not treated me like a fucking disease.”
“We are not working today.” Eddie said, wiping his own face hurriedly. “Don’t move, I’m gonna get us some coffee and we are going to be messy and horrible today and talk shit about your parents.”
“Eds-”
“No.” Eddie shook his head and stood up. “No. I am not going to go into a call with you like this and you end up nearly getting killed because you see yourself as worthless for something that is their fucking fault, not yours. And I don’t want to lash out in anger at anyone, which I already feel like I want to do. I’m going to call Bobby, so seriously, don’t move, or I will pick your ass up and throw you right back down.” Buck ducked his head and nodded as much as he could. “Be right back.” Eddie leaned over and actually kissed the top of Buck’s head before he was stomping away. Buck scrunched his legs up a bit, in case Eddie wanted to sit on the other end of the couch. But otherwise he didn’t really move. He … did not have the energy for it. He could hear Eddie talking through the door to his room before he was stomping through the house again and then he was in the kitchen before he was back, setting a coffee in front of Buck on the table and sitting on the floor in front of him.
“You can sit on the couch.” Buck told him.
“Trying to make it harder to get up so I don’t go find your parents and have words with them myself.” Eddie shrugged. “I’m also incredibly confused.”
“About what?” Buck asked, sitting up just enough he could have some of his coffee.
“You can be an asshole sometimes. But once it’s out of your system, you are basically the kindest, happiest, annoyingly joyful person I’ve ever met.” Eddie sighed. “You look at everything with wonder and you are always so excited to learn new things. I am always amazed at how excited you are for every little thing. Your personality is so bright and incredible to be around, Buck. It makes me enjoy things more, just because we’re doing it together. I love seeing how excited you get about the newest thing you had to try and learn everything you could get your hands on, that even mentioned it. I just … they must be really shitty people if you turned out so … good. So kind.”
“I guess.” Buck mumbled against the edge of his cup. “I know I can be a dick, it’s my default when I’m uncomfortable and have a lot of feelings I can’t make sense of. I told you guys that I was talking to my therapist about de-escalation techniques. Which was … kind of true. I was mostly talking out if there was a good way to talk about all of this or not. There wasn’t, because the more we tried, the more pissed off I got. I mean, it just got worse when Chimney ran away from me while we were at work.”
“I tried talking to Bobby about that.” Eddie pursed his lips. “I told him that you would be bitched out for doing that but because it’s Chimney it’s ok?”
“What’d he say?”
“Said he’d talk to him.” Eddie shrugged. “I think he was a little worried since the last time Bobby and I had a private conversation I went off on him.”
“Didn’t he talk to you like last week?” Buck frowned.
“He tried.” Eddie snorted. “He was trying to join the others in talking to me about my non-existent dating life and saying I should call Ana Flores.”
“That’s a terrible idea.” Buck blinked when Eddie grinned at him over his shoulder.
“I know. But apparently no one else knew that you mentioned her name to be a dick to me.” Eddie shrugged.
“You knew, though.” Buck shrugged, careful not to spill his coffee.
“I did. Because I know you. So I let them talk until Bobby tried talking to me by himself. Telling me how he’d been punishing himself for what happened to his family before, until he met Athena. I don’t think I snapped, but it probably came out snap-ish.” Eddie wobbled his head. “I told him that no one there knows anything about my life outside of the firehouse. They know I have Christopher and he has school and we have Carla, Abuela, and Pepa around. But they don’t actually know anything about me. I told him you brought Ana’s name up to be an asshole and he kind of laughed and nodded. He dropped it after that.”
“You still didn’t get breakfast with all of us afterwards.” Buck pointed out.
“I had something else I needed to do.” Eddie shrugged.
“Uh huh.” Buck said, slurping his coffee noisily until Eddie reached back and took it away, making him laugh a little.
“I had to pick up a copy of something from my attorney.” Eddie said, settling back against the couch before grumbling and sliding up so he was sitting on the couch. It took some maneuvering, but he got the blanket and Buck’s legs across his lap and settled down again. “I needed to give someone a copy of something I did, so I got a certified copy from them.”
“Did you get it done?” Buck asked, watching Eddie.
“I got the copy, but I haven’t had the guts to give it to the person yet.” Eddie sighed.
“What’s it about?”
“Chris, mostly.” Eddie wobbled his head again before looking at Buck.
“Why do you need guts to give whatever it is to whoever?” Buck frowned, digging his toes into Eddie’s thigh when he pursed his lips instead of answering. Eddie gritted his teeth and pinched his foot, making him jump. “Ow. Dick.”
“Because it’s guardianship paperwork.” Eddie sighed. “For if anything happens to me. And I haven’t actually told them they are who I chose to take care of Chris in the event I can’t.”
“You would only need that if you didn’t want him going to your family.” Buck pointed out.
“I know.” Eddie said, looking over and meeting Buck’s eyes. “But I don’t trust my family with my son like I trust the person I chose.”
“That’s kinda a big responsibility, Eds.” Buck said, swallowing thickly. “If you’ve done it, and you don’t plan on changing it soon, you should probably let them know. Rather than having Chris and this person finding out at the same time.”
“You’re probably right.” Eddie agreed cautiously.
“But he better stay somewhere I’ll actually want to move to.” Buck pointed out. “Because if I have to deal with losing you, and he has to deal with losing his last living parent, I’m not letting him do it alone. We can be there for each other.”
“And if I said it was you?”
“What was me?” Buck frowned, feeling like he missed something.
“You are the one I want to take care of Chris if I can’t.” Eddie said carefully. Buck stilled for a second before sitting up more fully, and watched Eddie. “If I die, and even if I don’t, there is no one I trust more with my son.”
“You …” Buck cleared his throat, “me?”
“Yeah, Buck.” Eddie said gently.
“Why me?” Buck whispered.
“Because, Evan,” Buck snapped his head up and saw Eddie smirking like the asshole he was, knowing he’d get a reaction by saying his birth name, “you are our family. You are my partner, who would never let anything happen to me. And you have helped me in so many ways since I introduced you to Chris, it isn’t even funny. You’re the one I chose because you will always have a place in our family. You’re irreplaceable.”
“Eddie when-” Buck swallowed, “when did you do this?”
“Last year.” Eddie admitted quietly. “After the well.”
“Jesus.” Buck pushed up off of the couch and paced a little, shoving the hood off his head.
“Buck.” Eddie stopped him from pacing, though.
“Christopher is your entire world, Eddie.” Buck exclaimed, feeling overwhelmed. He grabbed onto Eddie’s shirt, because he needed something to hold onto. Eddie wrapped his hands around Buck’s forearms. “He’s your heart, you’re entire fucking world, and you want me to have him.”
“I do.” Eddie nodded.
“You sat on this for a year.” Buck whined.
“I didn’t know how to tell you without sounding like I was reciting lines from a rom-com.” Eddie shrugged.
“Eddie, how do you feel about me?” Buck licked his lips and noticed Eddie watched before looking back up to his eyes.
“We’re not getting into that right now.” Eddie said in a low voice. “Today is about you dealing with what happened with your parents and both of us talking shit about them and maybe watching trashy tv.”
“But we can talk about it? At some point?” Buck asked hopefully.
“We’ll talk about it at some point.” Eddie agreed. “Let’s get back to the couch and we’ll work on recovering from your shitty dinner for now.”
“For now.” Buck agreed, nodding and leaning his head against Eddie’s. “I don’t even know how I ended up here last night. I just started driving when I left. It was already after midnight when I realized where I was. But I didn’t want to go back to the loft.”
“This is your home too, Buck. I’m glad you were comfortable coming here. Why don’t you go run through a shower and I’ll figure out what we’re going to do for food?”
“Ok.” Buck nodded against Eddie’s head. Before he could move though, Eddie let go of his arms and wrapped them around his back and hugged him. Buck ducked his face into Eddie’s neck and let himself be comforted by the fact Eddie wanted him for his family. For him and for Chris. When Eddie let him go, Buck headed for a shower. He stopped in Eddie’s room to get something clean to wear, glad that he had a drawer so he had his own underwear and wasn’t going commando in Eddie’s sweatpants. The shower felt good, but he didn’t feel the best mentally, though. He realized he needed to check his phone and see if he still had that appointment with Dr. Copeland later, only he couldn’t find it. “Ah, shit.”
“What?” Eddie frowned when Buck came out of the bathroom and had the same hoodie back on again.
“I think I either left my phone in the jeep or at Maddie’s last night.” Buck sighed, running a hand through his hair.
“No one’s texted me about it, so it’s probably in the jeep.” Eddie shrugged.
“Hopefully.” Buck agreed. He tossed his towel in the washer before getting his shoes on and jogging out to his car. Eddie stood in the doorway, watching him the whole way. “Hey, can you call it?” Buck called over his shoulder as he looked on the dash and in the floor. He heard a buzzing and went around to the driver side and found it wedged between the seat and the console. When he finally got it free there was a nice new scratch on the screen protector. He held it up for Eddie to see and then locked the jeep, jogging back into the house. He pretty much dove back onto the couch and under the blanket before Eddie manhandled him around. They ended with Buck’s head on his pillow in Eddie’s lap with the blanket covering Buck up to his chin.
“Miss anything important?” Eddie asked curiously.
“Let’s see.” Buck said, unlocking it and finding a dozen missed calls from Maddie, a few from Chim, Hen, and Bobby. Even a missed call each from Athena and May. Then there were the text messages. Maddie’s were asking if he was ok and to call when he could. She also said she was the big sister and she was supposed to stick up for him, not the other way around. She thanked him, though, and told him she was sorry for not having the guts to tell him about Daniel herself. May texted him to tell him she was considering running away to join the circus and asked if he knew anyone that could get her in. Athena asked if she needed to file a restraining order. He didn’t but it made him smile. He responded to her quickly, saying it wasn’t necessary, but thanks for offering. He told May that circus pay was crap and if she really wanted something like that she needed to find a well run traveling carnival, not a circus. Maybe aim for a cirque du soleil kind of thing.
“Should you be telling her that?” Eddie asked, clearly amused.
“It’s her way of checking on me.” Buck shrugged. “She gives me a ridiculous scenario. The more ridiculous, the more worried she is.”
“Huh. Alright.” Eddie accepted. There was also a message from Bobby telling him to feel better soon and to call if he needed anything. Or to have Eddie call since Eddie was taking care of him.
“Did you tell Bobby I was sick?” Buck asked, sending Bobby a thumbs up.
“I told him you were in a bad headspace and weren’t coming in today and I was staying to make sure you didn’t still manage to find yourself in a life threatening situation somehow.” Eddie shrugged. “Also might have sent him a picture of you curled up on the couch looking impossibly small and adorable for someone with such long ass legs.”
“You did not.” Buck blinked up at Eddie. Eddie smirked and passed his phone over with a picture of Buck looking like he was preparing for hibernation. He looked like a little kid that was curled up in a ball. “Oh my god. Why? Why would you send this to Bobby?”
“Because you look like a worn down, emotionally exhausted kid. Christopher has done this same thing when he has had a rough day at school.” Eddie said, taking his phone back. “You are somehow the biggest personality in any room, but here? In this picture? Bobby is going to see a kid that needs someone to take care of them for the day.”
“You’re only a year older than me.” Buck grumbled.
“And you never let me live it down.” Eddie nodded. “Do you have an appointment today?”
“Yeah, I have a call at two.” Buck nodded. “I figured I’d need it and wanted it in case I- well. Just in case.”
“Good thinking.” Eddie turned on the tv and Buck got comfortable. “I have no idea what to turn on, so stop me when you see something you’re interested in or don’t mind listening to while you zone out.”
Before he could forget, he texted Albert to let him know he was at Eddie’s. He also said the guy was lucky to have left when he did otherwise he’d have gotten wound up and cheered Buck on and that definitely would have made things worse and more complicated. Albert sent him a gif that said ‘true dat’, making him snort. He also said to let him know if he wanted anything from the loft and he’d swing by to get it and drop it off for him. Eddie stole his phone from him and typed out a list of things that he decided Buck would need, because apparently he wasn’t letting Buck leave any time soon. Buck was perfectly ok with that, though. Eddie turned on a Spanish drama after handing the phone back and Buck got kinda into it. He eventually ended up sitting up and leaning entirely into Eddie as they watched, his legs curled up to his chest. Eddie put his arm around him and kept him grounded.
Eddie would grumble under his breath in Spanish at some of the choices the characters were making, so Buck would defend them just to rile him up. The others knew he knew a little Spanish, but they didn’t know that he was fluent like Eddie did. They didn’t know that he’d spent most of a year only speaking Spanish. He spoke English at the resort he worked at every once in a while, because there were a lot of tourists that didn’t know Spanish, but otherwise he spent around a year without English. Eddie got up and made them some sandwiches for lunch that Buck tried to eat, but he really wasn’t feeling hungry. Eddie glared at him until he ate at least half of it, though. He knew Buck’s struggle with food sometimes. How Buck sometimes had to force himself to eat because he’d spent a few years ignoring his hunger and pushing through it. Pushing it aside. Eddie was also the only one who knew that Buck was on meds for ADHD. He had a few at his house in a spare pill case because Buck did stay over sometimes and forgot or didn’t have time to grab them from the loft.
Buck went into Eddie’s room to have his therapy appointment. The problem was he was in the aftermath of the incident. And he wasn’t sure how he was feeling about everything. Relieved, sure, now that he was no longer carrying it around with him. The knowledge that he knew why his parents didn’t like him or never cared to check on him when he was hospitalized over his life was confirmed at the dinner and all his parents had done was look at him, asking for sympathy. Sympathy. For a secret about Buck’s life that they had kept buried for 30 years. He explained that he felt both frayed and relieved, so Dr. Copeland wanted him to take something for anxiety for a little while.
When he told Eddie after the appointment was over, Eddie didn’t look surprised. Just told Buck to call it in and they could go pick it up. Buck called Eddie old because there were apps for meds now, nothing had to be physically called in. It earned him a pillow to the face. Which only made him laugh. Eddie drove them, though, because they both figured Buck would be a hazard on the road right then. They got a few smoothies, too, before getting back to the house, where Buck took his new meds and got cozy on the couch again, his head back in Eddie’s lap, and passed out. Eddie’s fingers threading through his hair gently did not help him stay awake. He woke up not long later, to Eddie cursing out the characters of the show they’d been watching. He grumbled under his breath that Eddie was wrong before yawning.
It was just a good day of trying to recover from everything. He eventually started telling Eddie things his parents had been saying during the dinner. Not saying it very loud because he hated even repeating the words they’d said, as if they meant nothing. Like they were talking about a random news story instead of Maddie’s life. Their daughter’s life. As if Buck, Maddie, and Chim hadn’t been scared out of their minds the entire time everything was happening, let alone the physical scars Chim and Maddie both wore. Chim had been really pale the whole time they kept making comments about Doug. His face was a look of pure shock that they could talk about what happened so flippantly. Maddie’s face had drained of color more and more with each comment, and she’d looked closer and closer to tears or passing out, and they just acted like it didn’t matter. Like they didn’t see it.
Except Buck sometimes talked like that. Not intentionally, and when Eddie or Maddie talked to him he was able to reword things so he could show more empathy and not just be stuck on reciting facts. Eddie had shut him down saying he was nothing like ‘those people’ since he couldn’t even manage to say their names without snarling or looking ready to breathe fire. He said Buck was basically raised learning his speech patterns from robots. He smiled and shrugged unrepentantly when Buck laughed. It wasn’t wrong. Buck often did get stuck on the facts and lost the emotional component and had to focus a lot to soften his tone and make people more comfortable. It took a lot of work, and they both knew that Buck had some traits that were considered on the spectrum for autistic. But they worked through them together because Eddie was a good partner. He understood what Buck was trying to say and could help him get it out in a more personable manner instead of him sounding apathetic.
Bobby had texted and asked if they would be ok to come in for at least half of their shift since it was supposed to be a 24. Eddie reluctantly agreed because they were both better after having the day to decompress. They’d both ended up napping throughout the day, so they could easily go in at three and work the rest of the day without being tired. As soon as they got into the station, though, there was a call for a massive fire in a warehouse. Bobby had given Eddie a questioning look, but he’d nodded, so apparently Bobby was trusting Eddie to keep an eye on Buck while they were out. That or he trusted that Eddie agreed Buck was ok to be working, either one.
The fire was pretty impressive when they reached it. Apparently it was a warehouse that had started mass producing hand sanitizer after COVID, so some of the substances inside were definitely going to be flammable. Eddie gave him a stern look and told him he was getting out if things turned tricky. Buck just told him to keep his radio handy in case they got separated. So it wasn’t really a surprise to Buck that they did get separated. He’d called in where he thought he was as soon as he and the guy he’d found fell through a catwalk. It was dangerous, and if Buck could walk away from an injured person, he would have. But he couldn’t. Thankfully his team showed up and helped him get the guy free and get him out of there somewhat safely. Eddie stayed back a little ways, letting Hen check Buck over once they were out since he’d put his mask on the patient. He let Bobby and Athena tell him the guy was lucky that Buck was being Buck and not giving up on him.
“Can you get the bitchy look off your face?” Buck asked through the oxygen mask Hen put on him.
“Eventually.” Eddie sniffed, shifting his shoulders to try and get rid of the tension.
“Wanna ride with him while we take him to get checked out?” Hen offered, winking at Buck before looking at Eddie.
“They’re just gonna put me on oxygen for a little while.” Buck argued. “I wasn’t breathing that shit in for long, and I’ll probably be back in a couple hours.”
“I should probably go back with the others.” Eddie said, biting his lip.
“You should stay with your partner.” Hen argued. “You both had a rough day yesterday. No, I don’t know what happened, and I’m not asking. But I am there for my partner and I know you guys have a better understanding of each other than any of the rest of us do. So Eddie is going to ride with us to keep an eye on you and make sure you actually take the oxygen like you're supposed to. He will also ensure your leg is looked over since none of us were there to see how you fell.”
“My leg is fine.” Buck frowned.
“Now.” Hen argued. “You survived a crush injury, Buckeroo. I want to make sure that however you fell didn’t fuck up the muscles or anything and you just haven’t noticed yet.”
“Alright.” Buck and Eddie sighed, answering together.
“Good. Now be a good patient and hop up on the gurney.” Hen stood up and ushered Buck to the gurney before Eddie was climbing in and sitting on the bench.
“I wasn’t trying to be reckless.” Buck said quietly once they were driving.
“I know you weren’t.” Eddie nodded. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have called it in right away.”
“Probably good you’re with me anyway.” Buck admitted. “You’re my emergency point of contact, so they’ll listen if you say I can follow their directions.”
“I thought it was still Bobby or Maddie?” Eddie frowned.
“I changed it when I found out about Daniel.” Buck said quietly. “I didn’t want to make Maddie responsible for another brother when she’s already lost one, not to mention the fact she was part of my issue with recovering from the bombing. And I didn’t want to make Bobby responsible for it, for losing a dumbass kid he somehow managed to accept as his. I honestly didn’t want to put it on you, either, when you’ve already lost Shannon, but I didn’t really think anyone else would be able to handle it. You have this weird ability to pretty much shut down your emotions at least for a little bit and save your freak out moment for later on. For when you’re alone.”
“Not sure I like that analogy or excuse, Buck.” Eddie pointed out. “But I’m glad you trust me. I’m not … great when it’s you that’s hurt, though.”
“I know.” Buck nodded, coughing a little. “I know, but I’m pretty sure I’m worse.”
“How’s that?” Eddie tilted his head.
“When I was blown up you just held my hand and kept your face smooth and somewhat calm. I mean, I could still see you wanted to beat the shit out of that kid, but you kept calm for me. Same with after the tsunami. When that well collapsed on you … I kinda lost my shit. Tried digging you out with my hands until Bobby physically pulled me away.”
“I didn’t know you did that.” Eddie frowned.
“My reaction is on youtube.” Buck coughed again. “Since there was a news crew out there and everything.” He coughed again when the doors opened.
He got up to walk himself in, Hen giving him a stern look that said he better listen to the doctors before walking him inside, Eddie trailing after them. He took his turnouts off and handed them to Hen, Eddie doing the same, before she was waving them off and heading back to the ambulance. It didn’t take long for Buck to be looked over and get an inhaler and oxygen for his exposure. Along with a brace for his leg which he did his best not to complain about. Eddie got them an uber back to his house so they could shower and change. Albert was there as soon as they got out and offered Buck a bag of stuff, everything Eddie had asked him to bring over. He gave Buck a hug and asked if they needed him to stick around to give them a ride back, which was great because it meant they didn’t need to get another uber or call someone to pick them up.
Eddie showered first, so Buck put some food together for them quickly, knowing Eddie wouldn’t take long. Once Eddie was out, Buck took his turn. The steam from the shower helped him breathe a little easier, too. He was still clearing his throat when he got back to the kitchen and heard the tale-tale sound of him screaming Eddie’s name through a phone speaker. Eddie looked a little stunned and Albert looked worried. Like he was watching an accident happen in real time.
“I never knew what it looked like from your guys’ side.” Eddie said, wiping a hand over his face.
“And we never knew what it was like on your side.” Buck pointed out. “Told you, though. Kinda lost my shit.”
“You look like Andrew Garfield’s Spider Man just watched Gwen Stacy fall and he had to try and catch her.” Albert muttered.
“I mean, kinda felt that way.” Buck admitted, looking away from them and getting a glass of water. “But unlike the Amazing Spider Man, Eddie made it out.”
“Buck-”
“Eddie.” Buck cut him off and looked at him. “Now you know.”
“Yeah.” Eddie sighed, giving him a small smile. “Yeah, I do.”
“I missed something.” Albert said, looking between them in confusion.
“Yeah, but we know.” Buck shrugged. “Ready to drop us off?”
“Sure. Let me know if Howie says anything about the other night. I know Maddie said to give you time, but I also know he doesn’t like conflict and will most likely try to fix whatever happened. I’m glad I wasn’t there.” Albert said, standing up and heading for his car. Eddie put Buck’s anxiety meds and his adderall in his hand, watching him until he took them. Buck rolled his eyes when Eddie nodded but headed for the car. It was a nice quiet drive and Albert promised Buck they’d get together later so they could have a drinking night or movie night, maybe both.
“You can’t be here.” Chim’s voice said, drifting down from the loft once they were inside the firehouse. “Look, I know dinner the other night was intense, for all of us and for different reasons. And … I want to be sorry it turned out the way it did, but Buck was right. Maddie and I have been trying to work through the conversations together because we didn’t realize people would see what happened to us as facts and not something that happened to a family member, as something personal. You were analytical and completely apathetic. He won’t want to talk to you. He needs time.”
“We can support that but we have no way to reach out to him.” Buck’s dad said, making Buck stiffen. Eddie went still beside him, too, once he realized who it was. “We just wanted to get his number and see if we could start working through this.”
“He and Maddie have your numbers. Maddie can let you know when she is ready for you to see her brother again.” Chim said firmly. Buck blinked in surprise. He had not expected Chim to stand up for him. He’d expected the guy to throw him under the bus to impress their parents. He looked over when Eddie cracked his neck and started walking faster toward the stairs. It took Buck a couple of seconds to realize what was happening. Those couple of seconds were all Eddie needed to get halfway up the stairs.
“Oh fuck! Eddie! Eddie, stop!” Buck called, chasing after his partner, but Eddie was already nearly to the top, and Buck wasn’t that fast since he was still adjusting to the brace that fit in his boot to prevent any potential weakness in his bad leg. He’d only slightly strained everything, but because it was everything and not just one muscle, he’d been given the brace. His ankle didn’t really bend well with it on.
“Eddie-” Bobby’s voice said calmly, but sternly.
“They need to leave.” Eddie said firmly, his fists clenched at his sides. Buck finally reached him.
“Jesus, this thing is going to take some getting used to.” Buck said, shaking his leg out a little.
“What is?” Bobby asked, still holding a hand out to keep Eddie from moving.
“I got an AFO brace.” Buck said. “I strained pretty much everything and they want me to wear it more often than not so I’m going to have to adjust to it for a little while.”
“I’m glad they got you something.” Bobby gave him a small smile. “You two are going to go back down and sort the bunk room now that you’re back.”
“Cap-”
“Eddie.” Buck cut him off and made him look at him. He understood what Bobby was trying to tell him and that he knew Buck couldn’t talk to them and that Eddie definitely shouldn’t. Not while at work. “You need to calm down first.”
“I won’t hit them.” Eddie said, making Buck snort.
“You say that, but I know you’re still pissed. Let’s go take care of the bunk room and let you calm down a little first. Ok? And if they are still here while I’m starting the wash, you can say what you need to say, if you can do it calmly.” Buck suggested.
“Thank you, Buck.” Bobby said gratefully. They all knew that when Eddie was pissed only Buck could really talk him down.
Eddie reluctantly let Buck pull him away and back toward the stairs. It was almost worse walking down than up. Eddie put his arm around him to steady him more. Which was good, because he stumbled a little at the bottom before they were in the bunk room. The more Eddie worked, stripping the beds, the more the tension seemed to bleed out of him. And by the time they had clean sheets on everything, he looked completely calm again. He loaded Buck up with the wash and nudged him out of the room. Except when they came out, Buck’s parents were standing there. Buck gripped the sheets a little more tightly, trying to keep from blurting anything out. Specifically an apology that he didn’t mean or even just one last ‘fuck you’; he wasn’t actually sure what would come out of his mouth if he opened it. Eddie bodily turned Buck and gave him a small push before stepping between them.
“Evan-”
“Buck.” Eddie cut in, stopping his mom from following. “His name is Buck. Which I know he has been called for a majority of his life. You are not talking to my partner right now.” Buck ducked into the laundry area and started sorting out what to put where. He didn’t hear much while in there, the machines were old and loud. But he got them going and pulled the stuff out of the dryer, folding it and stacking it on top. And then Eddie was in there, helping him finish. He kind of wanted to ask, but he also just wanted to enjoy Eddie’s steady presence at his side.
“Thank you.” Buck said quietly when they put the clean linen away.
“You’re welcome.” Eddie grinned at him. “Chimney apparently hasn’t said anything about the dinner other than that it went poorly. He also said that if they were ever doing dinner again it was going to be in a larger group because Chimney sort of blacked out from shock and didn’t remember what all they said to trigger him and then you were telling them off and leaving. Maddie had to be the one to get them to leave because Chim was dissociated from it all.”
“They can be … a lot.” Buck agreed quietly. “It takes a while to get used to the way they talk about things and people.”
“You shouldn’t have had to get used to it.” Eddie argued irritatedly.
“Maybe.” Buck shrugged. “But you guys forget that Maddie and I grew up with that.” Buck looked up and met Eddie’s eyes. He looked incredibly sad about that fact. “We grew up with people that talked about our issues, our accidents and insecurities, as if they just were. They were simple facts to them, not tangible things tied to feelings or emotional responses. It wasn’t their experience so they only knew how to talk about them in a way that was detached and unaffected. Not exactly clinical, but pretty damn close.”
“And yet you and Maddie are fairly emotionally stable.” Eddie sighed.
“Sort of.” Buck snorted. “If we were I wouldn’t be in therapy and Maddie wouldn’t be avoiding the sheer concept of it, seeing it as a weakness. She’s the oldest, like you. Emotions were weaknesses to the oldest kid. You guys couldn’t afford to show that weakness to anyone, especially not your parents. So you both learned to suck it up and take care of your younger siblings. And you both eventually found a person that you trusted with your emotional side. Maddie has Chim and he has her. They balance each other out and keep each other grounded. And … and you do that for me. Just like I do it for you on the rare occasion you let anything other than anger show.”
“You know, until we started spending so much time together, I never realized how much I kept inside.” Eddie admitted quietly. “I didn’t realize how much I hid from Shannon, like I was trying to protect her from my darker thoughts rather than sharing them and working through them with her. It’s different. With you.”
“I know.” Buck ducked his head. “Something we both fell into and never actually talked about.”
“We will.” Eddie said certainly. “Once you’ve had some time with all this crap.”
“And once you show me this paperwork and I can make my own notarized or sworn statement with your attorney saying I accept it.” Buck added.
“Only if you want to.”
“In the unthinkable situation where we lose you, Eddie, I need to be the one who is there for Chris.” Buck said firmly. “We’ll need each other because we both saw you for you, not for who we wanted you to be like your parents would. It- it needs to be me. I need to be the one to take care of him for you even if I’d rather do it with you.”
“You,” Eddie said in a low voice, moving over and bracketing Buck against the linen shelf, “are going to make me lose my restraint before we can have a conversation.”
“I need to figure out your boundaries.” Buck smirked. “I know we’re both serious about this, but I kinda can’t help myself from finding out how much I can push before you push back.”
“Stop being a brat and maybe I’ll reward you later.” Eddie smirked back.
“Something I need to be aware of?” Bobby said, startling them both and making Buck trip and knock the linen over they’d just folded before Eddie tried to steady him but they were still standing really close and they both fell against the shelf, knocking another stack of linen onto their heads.
“No.” Buck and Eddie both said, pulling the linen off of their heads and facing Bobby.
“Nothing to be aware of.” Buck said quickly.
“What’s there to be aware of?” Eddie asked innocently, reaching over and taking the last pillowcase off of Buck’s head without looking at him. “Just taking care of the bunkroom like you asked.”
“Eddie was asking how I was somewhat emotionally stable after hearing about my parents.” Buck added.
“And Buck was talking to me about some paperwork.” Eddie added.
“Uh huh.” Bobby said disbelievingly, looking between them. “If it changes and there is something I need to be aware of, as your Captain, there’s other paperwork you’ll need to fill out here.”
“Got it.” Buck nodded.
“Roger that, Cap.” Eddie nodded as well.
“Fix that mess and get started on the inventory on the trucks.” Bobby pointed at them and left again.
“Things are going to get complicated with work, aren’t they?” Eddie sighed, refolding the pillow cases that needed refolding and putting them back on the shelf.
“Not really.” Buck wobbled his head. “When two firefighters are in a relationship, they have 30 days to declare it and sign forms with LAFD. Then they have to be observed working together for a period of time between two weeks and 90 days, depending on their schedules, and depending if they work in the same station and during the same shifts. A month to two months is if they work in the same firehouse but different shifts; 90 days is if they work for different firehouses and have the potential to run into each other on calls. Two weeks to a month is for those who work the same shift and in the same firehouse because it allows time for the relationship to either progress or dissolve and determine how well they can continue to work together professionally regardless of the outcome. If the relationship lasts, but dissolves later on, and they remain in the same station and same shift, there is another observation period of 30 days to determine if there is any animosity toward each other in a professional setting. Usually when that happens, though, when the pair splits, one or both transfer stations or shifts or both.”
“Why do you know that?” Eddie asked curiously once the linen was all set and they were heading back into the bay.
“When Bobby started dating, I was pretty sure it was someone that was another first responder since their shifts would work more easily with ours. So I sort of looked through the manuals to see what I could find out.” Buck shrugged. “Did you know that to qualify for lieutenant there’s an exam like for Captain, but if the person passes the test, they have a two year time frame to get assigned to a position? And if they don’t, they have to take the test again, but they need a letter of recommendation and a position vacancy they are expected to fill. Otherwise they can’t take it because the powers that be see the first time as a failure to take personal initiative or responsibility with and for their career.”
“You took your test last month.” Eddie pointed out, opening a hatch on the truck.
“Ok, but only you know that.” Buck argued. “I was just curious and wanted to see what was on it.”
“Except you passed.” Eddie retorted, opening another hatch and looking at him. “You should tell Bobby about it and see what you can do with it.”
“Not right now.” Buck shook his head. “Maybe in a month or two. Something. I want to see how the dust settles after blowing up my family.”
“Your birth family.” Eddie shrugged, grinning when Buck laughed. “And you still have Maddie, no matter what else happens.”
“That’s true.” Buck agreed. “Hey, do you know where my clipboard is?”
“In your cubby. If it’s not, there’s an extra at the back of mine.” Eddie nodded toward the turnouts. Buck hurried over and grabbed the one from Eddie’s cubby without looking in his, already knowing someone had moved it or tossed it out, but Bobby was there when he turned around again.
“I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry you had a rough day and were called in when you probably weren’t ready to be here.” Bobby said quietly.
“Thanks, Cap.” Buck smiled. “I … feel a little better, having had yesterday to decompress and talk to my therapist and Eddie. It’s gonna take some time, but I think I’ll be alright. It was just … it was really freeing and relieving to hear my therapist tell me that what I was feeling was valid. Oh, uh, I’ll try to get you a copy, but I got put on an anxiety med after yesterday. She said she wanted to reevaluate in 30 days, but I wasn’t sure what all you needed to mark down for that since it’s not the same as my other stuff currently; since it’s potentially temporary.”
“I will put a note in your file for now and if you end up on them longer we’ll add it in with your adderall.” Bobby nodded. “I also heard you both talking about the test you took. I was planning to talk to you about it in a few months anyway, so focus on getting your head right and we’ll get something set up when you tell me you’re ready or when I see you’re ready.”
“How do you know?” Buck frowned.
“I got a call asking if I was aware that I had the youngest person in the LAFD to take the exam and managed to ace it.” Bobby grinned, making Buck’s face feel hot. “You were the youngest and scored the highest in probably 20 years. We’ll talk more about it in a few months though.”
“Alright.” Buck nodded. Bobby inclined his head toward the truck and Buck hurried back, almost crashing into Eddie, Hen, and Chim, who were all standing there and obviously listening. He’d only stopped from crashing into them because Eddie had put his hands on him to keep him from doing that. “You guys are too nosey.”
“You took your meds already today, right?” Hen asked, instead of acknowledging his comment.
“Eddie made sure I did.” Buck nodded. “I’m good. So unless you want to run inventory with Eddie and me-” He chuckled when Chim and Hen practically ran away. “Figured that’d happen.”
“Alright, let’s get through this.” Eddie sighed, turning and pulling things out and setting them beside the hatch.
Buck loved working inventory, let alone working through it with Eddie. Eddie seemed to enjoy Buck telling him what to do, too, so it worked out nicely for both of them. When the day was finally over, they went straight to Abuela’s, Chris cheering when Buck got out of the truck while Eddie rolled his eyes. Buck hugged Chris and stuck his tongue out at Eddie over Chris’ head. Sure enough, the kid had told Abuela that Buck was sad about something, which was only confirmed by how much Eddie was sticking to his side. So there was a ton of food prepared for them to eat and take back home with them. After they left Abuela’s, Chris chattered on about everything that happened at school, even if it was still online, before moving on to how much he helped make the food. Buck was happy to just listen to him tell Buck everything he could he could think of. Buck rolled his eyes when Eddie locked the house up for the night and gave Buck the option of sleeping on the couch or with him in the bedroom.
“To sleep, Buck, that’s it.” Eddie snorted. “We’re not there yet. But I think you’ll feel better with someone close by.”
“I hope we get past all of this sooner than later.” Buck grumbled. “I’d really like to have our conversation and move forward.”
“I know you would.” Eddie laughed quietly. “We’ve got time. So let’s go to bed and just relax for a little while, enjoy our last few days in not-quite-there space.”
“We should, uh,” Buck bit his lip as they went into Eddie’s room and he shut the door, “I know you might not like the idea, but maybe we should do some- some counseling? Together? I just- I know I have unusual experiences with partners and dating. But I don’t want us to have any miscommunications or any of the innumerable other issues I had or caused in my past relationships.”
“Gonna take me some time to be … open and honest with it.” Eddie admitted quietly, getting his pajamas out and tossing some to Buck. “I’m not great at talking about how I feel. Let alone with a stranger. I’ve … I’ve only had the one relationship pretty much. So my perspective isn’t the best either.”
“At least we both have fucked up past relationships to go from.” Buck shrugged when Eddie laughed and shook his head. “Also, uh, thank you.”
“For what?” Eddie tilted his head as he got a clean shirt pulled on.
“For defending me.” Buck ducked his head down and pulled his own clean shirt on. “No one’s ever really done that. Especially no one I was in any kind of relationship with. Friendship or otherwise.”
“Hey.” Eddie said gently, tilting Buck’s head up to look at him. “You’re my partner. I’m going to defend you. Even if I’m pissed at you, I’m going to defend you. You, Evan, are my person. You’re Christopher’s person. We’ll get you to see that at some point.”
“You make it really hard not to kiss that stupid smile off your face.” Buck whined.
“Whatever you say.” Eddie patted his cheek before getting in bed. Buck shook himself out and got in as well, letting out a breath when Eddie pulled him into his chest. He just wanted to curl up inside Eddie and let him shield him from everything.
It was easy for him to let go with Eddie. He trusted him to watch over him and protect him. Even from his own whirling thoughts. Eddie carded a hand through his hair and Buck melted against him and fell asleep between one heartbeat and the next.