Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I'm definitely straight,” Axel Syrios  thought to himself.

To an outsider, Axel’s words would seem false. After all, he was currently kissing his favorite idol, LeBron James.

But how did things end up this way?

It all started on a normal Monday morning.

Axel, as usual, was on his way to the pokies- a weekly tradition, as one might call it. He'd gamble his weekly stash of fun money, like any responsible gambler would, and then he'd have a hearty meal at Maccas. Maybe if he were feeling bourgeois he'd get a McFlurry, but for now, his sights were set on the dazzling world of entertainment in front of him.

And that dazzling world betrayed him.

Three hours later, Axel stood dazedly, having lost all of his fun money on pokies. This cannot be! How could the Goddess of Luck have betrayed him? Cursing to himself, he thought of Altare, the leader of the Tempus Guild and his beloved friend. What would he think of him if he found out that his fellow guildmate lost almost all of his savings on pokies?

That's right, almost all of his savings. Because to Axel Syrios, all of his money was fun money.

He started his walk of shame back to the guild hall. The money was long gone- what can he do about it? I'm sure Altare would understand, right? He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't notice the magnificent figure standing in front of him.

Axel bumped into this figure. The figure was impressively tall- standing at 2.06 meters, his height easily surpassed Axel's own. Axel looked up as he said his apologies and couldn't believe his eyes.

Standing in front of him was his beloved pookie, LeBron James.

Axel started to stammer, the command of the English language failing him.

"Hey mate," he started, "I didn't see you there. I'm really sorry, I-"

"Lost your money to the pokies, eh?" LeBron James said, "It's okay. It happens to the best of us."

It was as if he'd read Axel's mind. But how? Surely nothing could've given him away! Neither the big 'loser' sheet of paper stapled on his back by a mischievous middle aged man nor his dejected figure could've pegged him as a loser!

Axel was dumbfounded. LeBron James was so charming, smart, and majestic that he couldn't find the words to praise him. How could he? He was but a small speck of dust next to the beautiful figure that was LeBron James!

The next thing he knew, LeBron James had asked him for coffee. He didn't know how things got to this point, but hey, he'll take it!

"So," LeBron James said, with a beautiful smile, "I thought a mate would appreciate some coffee."

He paused, taking a sip of the cup in front of him, "I figured you'd enjoy it, what with your rough day and all. It's always an honor to meet a fan."

How did LeBron James know he was a fan?! It's not like he was obvious about it! Okay, maybe he was a bit obvious with his Lakers jersey and LeBron James adorned backpack, but still!

"Haha," Axel laughed, having entirely lost the contents of his dictionary, "Of course! I'm so happy- I can't believe- I don't think- I'm so honored to be sitting here right across from you, LePookie."

LeBron James raised an eyebrow, "LePookie?"

Oh no. Did Axel just say that? It cannot be!

"Um," Axel stammered, "I mean, LeBron James, sir."

"Sir?" 

"Mr. Lebron James…?"

"Oh, sweetie," LeBron started to grin, much like a seasoned basketball player who'd seen a winning move would, "You can call me LePookie."

Axel felt like he'd won the jackpot. A single signed LeBron James photocard could recover so much of his losses from the pokies! His heart started racing- whether by the prospect of money or by the smile of his LePookie he didn't know- and unconsciously, he straightened his posture. Hands balled into fists, Axel gathered all of his courage to ask a single question.

"LePookie, will you kiss me?"

And that was how he ended up kissing his favorite idol.

Chapter Text

For Axel, his plan was perfect.

Step 1. Kiss LePookie, savoring his luscious lips all the while.

Step 2. Blackmail LePookie, saying that those pics would cause a scandal.

Step 3. Get some money to cover his losses and avoid Altare's wrath.

Sadly, he missed two important things while concocting his perfect plan. The first: he had no one on standby to take a picture. This was a disaster, as he naturally had no material to blackmail LeBron James with.

The second, and perhaps, the most unexpected: how much he enjoyed LeBron James' kiss.

At first, their kiss was merely a chaste one. A quick peck on the lips, as you might say. But soon, they began devouring each other, much like a basketball player would search for the perfect play during a game's penalty time. 

First came the calculation. LeBron James' tongue slid on Axel's lips, travelling through each nook and cranny, much like a basketball player would try to search for an opening. Soon, an opening was found, and LeBron James' tongue slipped right in, intertwining Axel's tongue with his own.

Axel felt as if he'd gotten MVP on a League of Legends match. He was on that cloud nine high- a high he thought could only be achieved through winning jackpots and matches. But it's impossible! Getting satisfied from a gay kiss is something those gay men do, not someone as straight as him! And, as a matter of fact, there was no way that he was gay! He was as straight as a ruler!

Before he knew it, Axel was on his tiptoes, matching his height to Lebron's own. The two stood, their tongues traveling each others' nook and crannies, before finally- after what seemed like a blissful eternity- LeBron James pulled away. 

"Wow, I can't believe we did that in public."

Axel was too dazed to reply.

"But hey, I've never met a man as handsome as you," LeBron James winked.

Axel scurried away, making sure to get some distance between LeBron and himself. After all, it's not gay if they're ten feet apart, right? 

"Wow, thanks for the compliment, LePookie," Axel said, trying his best to remain calm.

Quick! What's Plan B?

Axel tried his best to ignore the stares and whispers of those around them.

"Did that guy just kiss the one and only LeBron James?"

"But he looks so lame!"

"No, he just looks Australian."

Plan B, Plan B…

"Why did you want to kiss me, anyways?"

Quick! He can't lose LeBron James!

"Well, you look handsome and irresistible," Axel stammered out, "And your lips look so plump and juicy."

What was he saying? He was being gay! He's not gay! Gay is for people who are like, I don't know, like Hakka! 

LeBron James blushed. He looked much more handsome when he blushed. Well, normally he looked handsome, but Axel thought he looked, how should he say it, like perfection. 

"Wow, it's rare to see a dude call me handsome. Especially one as attractive as you are."

Attractive? Him? People just said he looked Australian!

Before Axel could figure out what to say, Lebron James continued, "You know what, here's my number. Call me, okay?" 

"Oh, um, er, okay, yes, of course LePookie, anything for you."

"Well, I really have to go now. But I'll catch you later?" He winked.

Wow, did he look so hot when he winked.

And so LePookie jogged away, leaving Axel dumbfounded.

And with a bill to pay. Because LeBron James forgot to pay for their drinks.

Chapter Text

Axel stared at the text in disbelief. Was he really texting the LeBron James, his LePookie? How should he reply? Of course? Too energetic. Understood? Too formal. Got it? Too casual. My pleasure? What was he, British?

Think, Axel, think!

In the end, he went with something casual but charming.

The very next day, Axel patted himself up and down in front of the mirror. Hair? Perfect. Suit? Ironed. A killer smile? Done and dusted.

New plan: seduce LeBron James, take scandalous pics, blackmail him, and pay off his debt to Altare.

Axel shuddered when he thought of last night. He could still remember the look Altare gave him when he fessed up about the delicate matter of money. The worst part? It wasn't a look of anger, but of disappointment.

"Oh, I see," Altare had said then, "It's okay, Axel! I'll handle it!"

Altare was capable. Axel had no doubt that he could recover the lost funds. But the guilt? That was what was eating at him.

And that was how he came up with his nifty new plan. Unlike last time, this time, Axel had come prepared. He had on with him a handy inconspicuous little pin that doubled as a secret camera. This was perfect! With this, he'd get to be both anonymous and have the opportunity to blackmail LePookie!

"Axeeel?" A voice called out.

"Sup, bro?"

"Can you go on a little errand for the guild?"

"Yeah sure, I'll do it on my way to the pokies."

That was the cover story he'd given Altare. I know, I know, it does look bad when you think about it. He loses almost all of his money the day before and goes back to the pokies the day after? That's just plain scummy. But he had no choice! What was he going to do, tell Altare that he was going on a gay little date?

Hell nah. Axel wasn't gay. He was straight! Out of all those zesty dudes in Tempus, he was by far the straightest one.

"Can you kidnap this one slime for me?" He then received a photo on his phone.

Axel paused. Kidnapping?

"Um, sure, dude."

Oh no. What had he roped the Cultare into?

"Haha, thanks, dude!" Altare's voice was as calm as ever.

Axel could feel the sweat roll down his back. Whatever he did, he did not want to get on Altare's bad side.

Bluebell was a quaint little restaurant, located inconspicuously between a shoe store and a florist. Despite its small size, its clientele mostly comprised the rich and famous, and Axel felt very, very nervous standing in front of its modestly decorated wooden door.

After a few moments, Axel walked in. The shop's chime greeted him, and a waitress approached him with a bright smile.

"Welcome, kind sir."

Axel tapped his heels nervously, reciting the password that LeBron had given him, "I'd like to order two marshmallows," he took a deep breath, "delivered by a giant gummy bear."

He paused, trying to remember the last phrase, "On top of a rollercoaster."

The waitress' smile grew wider, almost as wide as a basketball court, "Certainly, sir. Please follow me."

Axel trailed behind the waitress, admiring the interior of the restaurant. Although the restaurant seemed so small outside, inside, it was quite spacious. The walls were adorned with the motif of a bird that he didn't recognize, and as Axel squinted, they seemed to form three letters.

"G, A, Y."

No, this can't be right. There's no way the walls of the restaurant spelled out 'gay', right? He must've been hanging out with those zesty guildmates of his a bit too much. He made a mental note to cut down his time with them.

But the letter-forming birds seemed to encircle Axel, trapping him within a vortex of gayness. Axel felt as if he could hear his guildmates around him, reciting the words, "Gay, gay, homosexual, gay. Here comes Axel Syrios, the gayest dude alive."

"Here we are, sir," the waitress' words rescued him from his misery.

But the gay panic wasn't about to end for Mr. Axel Syrios.

Under the yellow restaurant lights, there sat LeBron James, all dressed up in a perfectly ironed suit. His hair was slicked back, and he had a pair of glasses on, highlighting his beautiful black eyes.

Wow. Axel wasn't gay, but he thought LeBron looked stunning. He didn't even know he had a thing for glasses!

Axel's heart beat faster and faster. But it definitely wasn't because of how stunning LePookie was. He was just excited at the prospect of earning money! Yes, that's right! Making sure that the pin was in place, Axel walked up to him.

"Sup, dude."

Oh no. Did that come off too shaky? Too tryhard? Too casual? But LeBron didn't seem to mind, and replied back, "Hey, handsome."

Axel sat down across LeBron.

"So, what are we having today, LePookie?"

"Oh, I took the liberty of ordering a few appetizers. And a bowl of ramen, of course."

Ramen? How did he know Axel loved ramen?! He didn't even know a place this posh served ramen!

"Great!"

Axel twiddled his thumbs nervously. Okay, how will he get intimate enough to blackmail LeBron?

Before he could think of anything, a waiter appeared, holding a tray full of little plates.

"Your appetizers, sir."

Okay. The waiter started to explain each appetizer, but Axel's eyes were still fixed on LePookie and how long his eyelashes were.

"Caviar with Blinis. Many places pride themselves in the quality of their caviar, but none-"

And his hands. Wow. They were so sexy. He didn't even think it was possible for hands to be sexy. But LePookie's calloused, manly hands seemed to prove otherwise. He was gaying up Axel's straight little world.

"Beef Carpaccio. This beef came from a cow named Madeline, and one of her charm points was how kind and docile-"

No, what? That wasn't possible. Axel wasn't gay- he was straight! He was so straight, the table looked gay!

"Duck Confit. This duck is special because we stole it- pardon me, purchased it, for a very-"

And LeHandsome wasn't attractive. Axel was just excited at how rich he was! I mean, think of how many Tempus guilds he could create with that money! And the pokies! Think of the pokies, Axel!

"And finally, Truffle Arancini. The truffles of this dish were imported from-"

A pokies date with LePookie, though? That would be so cool. No, actually, he'd probably embarrass himself in front of him. That wouldn't be so cool.

"Any questions, sirs?"

Axel looked at the table. There were about twenty plates. Would he even have enough room to eat ramen?

"No, we should be fine," LeBron said, flashing his killer smile.

"Understood, sir. I will take my leave."

After confirming that the waiter had left them alone, LeBron turned his gaze back at Axel. "Now then, shall we enjoy our meal, handsome?"

Axel was full. Very full. Not only did his stomach get filled by a gastronomy of flavors he'd never experienced before (seriously, who would've thought of putting apple slices and steak in ramen? These restaurants are getting a bit too wild!), he also got plenty of eye candy from LeBron James.

He never knew a human being could produce such perfect table manners. The way LeBron used the fork and knife to cut the steak into pieces for him, the way he smiled as Axel devoured his ramen like a neanderthal- Axel was very, very flattered and flustered. No one had ever given him this much attention before! Most people just thought of him as, like, just some dude, not the light of their lives!

Axel cleared his throat.

"So, LePookie, I really really think I should pay for at least half because, like, this is way too much, man! There's no way this is ten bucks!"

LeBron James shook his head with a smile, "Don't worry about it, handsome." He winked, "You can just pay me back some other way, alright?"

"Some… some other way?"

Like what? Kissing? Like what those gay men do? Is he going to ask him to pay him back with his body?

LeBron James stood up and walked towards Axel. Axel gulped. No way. This is, like, tenth date material! Axel was pure and chaste! Is this what gay dudes are like?

"What say you and I have a little movie date, hm? I've heard there's a very interesting one right now."

Okay, that was fine. Axel could do it. That's not too gay. Even straight dudes go to the movies with their bros!

"Yeah, sure, man! Just let me know when you're free."

"Got it, got it," LeBron James offered his hand, "May I escort you to the entrance, my prince?"

Axel nodded. "Wait, what about the bill? We don't need to pay?" He sweated. There's no way LeBron James was going to foot the bill twice in a row, would he?

"Don't worry, I'm a regular," LeBron laughed, "They just put it in my tab and the Lakers pay for it."

Swoon. The way he said that, just nonchalantly, made Axel's heart jump a little. Not in a gay way, in a straight way. He was just admiring this man's money!

"Let's get going."

Wait. Axel almost forgot about the whole blackmailing LeBron James thing. He mustered up his courage to say one sentence.

"We're not kissing today?"

LeBron James burst into a fit of laughter. "Do you want to?"

Axel gulped. LeBron James inched closer. Instinctively, Axel closed his eyes. And then, Axel felt a quick, fleeting warmth on his lips. In the next moment, it was gone.

LeBron James smirked. "We should save the rest for our next date, hm?"

Oh. Too bad. He was still thinking of that kiss they first had. The way LeBron's tongue entangled with his, the way their lips melted into each other- wait. That's way too gay. Axel was straight, not gay. He didn't need more kisses!

Axel nodded. They exited the restaurant, hand in hand, and Axel was left in a daze as LeBron drove off in his Porsche.

"LeBron James is just so handsome, man…" Axel murmured, gazing at the spot where LeBron James' car was a while ago. He started to walk back to the guild, but before he could do so, he saw a familiar figure across the street. It was Gavis Bettel.

Axel blinked. Bettel stared at him and blinked back.

"Oh, hey, Bettel, fancy seeing you here! I was just heading home from the pokies!"

"Yeah, sure, Axel."

"Anyways, uh, I gotta go, like," Axel suddenly remembered, "I gotta kidnap a slime for the guild."

"Okay, man," Bettel replied, "It's not like I care about your little date." He then turned around and walked off.

"AYO! IT'S NOT A DATE! I'M NOT GAY, MAN! I'M STRAIGHT!" Axel shouted, but Bettel didn't look back. Axel sighed. Back to kidnapping the slime for Altare.