Chapter Text
Gary draped over his shitty twin bed, letting the tar and muck of his actions seep into him, excess coating and dripping onto his skin. He lay there staring into nothing and picking at his hands, his eyes squeezed shut. He had to get up, he knew that. His class was soon, and he needed to… change. A bath would be good, but he was 10 minutes shy of being late, so he dragged himself up and changed out of his boxers, trying to ignore the sensory nightmare that was the drying cum stuck to everything.
With new jeans and his old backpack, he made his way downstairs, keeping his head held down, praying he wouldn't see anyone he recognised. No one would've seen, he knew that logically, but that didn't change the lingering feeling of eyes on him, knowing eyes.
The lecture passed in a blur, his mind occupied by far more things than image composition. When he heard the screech of chairs against the floor and hurried footsteps, he let himself follow them out, his legs carrying him to the hopefully empty darkroom. He needed to think. Once he was covered in dark red light and clicked the lock behind him, he braced his head against the wooden table, letting his foot tap against the metal bar of the stool.
All those fucking people back home—they were right. He was every awful thing they thought about him. He couldn't keep him away, couldn't keep himself away. Tears were burning the corners of his eyes. Imagine how Meemaw would feel, seeing what he'd become? She'd be crushed, utterly humiliated. Would she talk about him the way she did about the others? Would she sound as disgusted? as repulsed? His chest stuttered as he coughed up the phlegm coating his sinuses. Gary couldn't bear that. He could handle all those randoms talking shit, fuck them, but not her. She couldn't—He couldn't lose the only person who loved him properly. Unconditionally. For a brief moment, Gary felt himself question that, harshly rubbing the wetness off his face. God, Gary course she did. This shit didn't count. He knew better.
But what was he supposed to do? His master plan ended with him humping Collie's leg like a dog— fuck, he still can't believe he did that—and he even seemed more soft on him than before. As soft as shoving his cock in his mouth could be. Barkovitch bit his cheek as heat flushed his face. He couldn't even focus on sulking when it came to pretty fuckass Collie.
Barkovitch found himself stuck between a rock and a hard place. Fuck was he going to do? He didn't need anyone in his business, so it's not like he could ask anyone, right?
…
Ughhhh. Fucking Harkness.
—
When he made it back to his dorm, he almost hoped he'd find it empty. But no, there Harkness was, hurriedly scribbling at his desk, giving a quick greeting as Gary closed the door behind him.
He really didnt want to do this shit, man. Richard was lasered in on the notebook below him. Gary fiddled with a loose thread on his sweater as he sat on his bed. This was stupid. Maybe he should drop it.
No. What, was he scared? Fuck no. He wasn't some pussy. Yeah. Yeah!
"Hey man,"
Harkness shot up, peering at him over his shoulder. "Yeah?"
"Can I—fuck, can I ask you something? You're not allowed to laugh or talk about this with anyone, or whatever bullshit,"
Richard blinked wide eyes at him for a moment before breaking out in a smile and moving to sit on the bed opposite him. "Uh-huh?"
Yeah, this fucker's way too giddy about this. "You heard the part about not fucking laughing at me, right?"
"Yeah, yeah! Course," his roommate crossed his arms, hunching towards him.
"Okay." Gary let out a drawn-out exhale before he began.
"So um. Me and Collie we…" Me and Collie. Sounded way too official for whatever the fuck they were.
Richard perked up before he got to finish his thought. "Are you finally gonna talk about what happened the other night or—"
"No! Fucking no, I'm here about today!"
"Oh shit, when he dragged you off?"
"Yeah," Man, he kinda sucked to Harkness today, huh? "Uh, sorry for...yknow,"
"Yeah, yeah, you're fine! Where the hell did you go anyway?"
"That's not fucking important, okay, just we—" a lump formed in his throat as he tried to form the words. Saying it out loud made it so much more real. "We kissed. And other shit but that doesn't really matter," he sighed out that last part, really hoping Harkness wouldn't get too hung up on it.
"Oh my gosh Gary, seriously? That's great!"
"No it's—fuck Rich, that's the problem,"
Harkness raised a brow at him. "Do you not like him?"
Gary hated the way his cheeks warmed. "I do," he mumbled.
"And if he's down to kiss you and whatever else you got up to, I'd like to assume he's pretty keen on you too," he said it so matter-of-factly, like it was the easiest thing in the world.
"Uh-huh."
"Sooo what's the problem?"
The fuck is this guy not getting? "I'm not supposed to do this fucking shit, alright? It's different when it's you guys. I just can't—" that didn't sound right. "I-I'm not supposed to," That sounded worse.
His roommate was now looking at him with something he couldn't quite decipher. "When you guys have a moment or whatever, do you enjoy it? Make you happy?"
Gary stared at his hands, thinking for a bit. The guilt afterwards was miserable. The everything after was miserable, but when he's actually in it…
He couldn't say it didn't. Collie was fun. He was dangerous that way.
He finally formulated an answer. "Think so."
Harkness leaned back, lying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling. "Then I think you should give it a chance." Hah.
"That ain't fair,"
"Why not?"
Barkovitch felt his chest clench at the way Collie had looked at him earlier. At how he didn't say anything. Didn't say any of the 'it's not your fault I'm like this, you're way too fucking good to me and I don't know how to deal with the shit you make me want.' that he could've.
"I suck, and he doesn't deserve someone that fucking sucks,"
"He don't know… why I'm the way I am," he's surprised he's still bothering.
"Why don't you tell him then?"
Tell him? Gary let the thought roll around in his head, debating the pros and cons of a conversation that would be unbelievably embarrassing regardless of outcome.
Pros. Collie would maybe get why he'd been such a skittish bitch. Maybe he'd lose interest and free Gary of whatever fucking shackles he'd been stuck in.
Cons. Parker might not get it and think Gary hates him or something. Worse yet, he's disgusted and hates him.
Barkovitch groaned into his hands. Much to consider.
"Well, I still think you should go for it," Harkness rolled onto his stomach, staring at him, a far too gleeful look past his glasses.
"You guys would be real cute too, the way he looks at you—"
"Alright fuck off four eyes, that's enough." Richard burst out into giggles, and a very red Gary threw his shoe at his head. The blonde smirked as Harkness jumped back, starting a whole different rant about him keeping his 'nasty ass' shoes so close to his bed.
Huh. Though the course of action wasn't one he was going to enjoy, it's not like he had better ideas, so as his roommate continued his tirade on room cleanliness and shoes inside, he began planning how the fuck this was happening. And if his chest fluttered a bit at the prospect of this being something, that was for him to know.