Chapter Text
“once I believed
love poems were foolish
now I read love poems
just for the sake of it
and yet perhaps I want
to reach a higher state of poetry
I don't know if that's right or wrong
but such a feeling persists anyway
and sometimes irritates me
provoking outrageous desires
once I believed
love poems were foolish
yet now I do nothing
but dream about love” -Chuuya nakahara (love, poetry)
‘Having life pulled away from me so young, I really never thought I’d even consider leaving sooner than I had to…
But I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind, his offer.
“Unless you want to come with me”
It’s so stupid but I hear it on loop in my mind… come with him? Maybe I could… who knows, maybe it would be nice to have some control over my death. Maybe this way it’ll feel like my choice. And with him… it might even be worth it.’
It felt utterly insane to Chuuya to even consider such a thing. But everything about Dazai was utterly insane. From his seemingly ungroomed mess of hair to the way his eyes lit up when he spoke of death.
Unlike many people, what Dazai found so exiting about death was not the possibility of an afterlife or reincarnation, no. It was the idea that death was, in its own way, the purest form of life.
It was the end of life, the end of pain, the end of fear and exhaustion… it was peace, it was calm… and it was unknown.
Dazai was a man who found the unknown more beautiful than scary.
And maybe it was stupid to follow suit, but at least Chuuya would get to be stupid with Dazai… until the very end.
“Chuuuuya!” Dazai tapped on Chuuyas head like a child tapping on the glass of an aquarium.
“Hm?” Chuuya was dragged back to reality, noticing the way Dazai looked at him so curiously…
“You zoned out again. What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing, really.”
“Well that’s just a blatant lie. There’s always something on your mind.”
Chuuya sighed, making excuses really never worked with Dazai. “I was just thinking about the hospital, how boring it is, Y'know?”
“Hmm…” The way Dazai stared at him, it was as if he could see right into the man.
His gaze was calm, but calculated, like he was reading Chuuyas mind.
“What’s wrong?”
“You’re lying again, I’ll let it pass though!”
Chuuya rolled his eyes. “How kind of you”
“I know right! I’m so gracious! Humble too, I’m really the full package, aren’t I?”
The ginger let out a laugh “you’re certainly something”
Dazai gave a small smile, one that didn’t seem to reach his eyes.
“Hey Chuuya, I’ve got a question.”
‘Always one to change the topic’
“Yeah?”
“How long do you think we’ve got left?”
Chuuyas eyes widened. It wasn’t that he didn’t know he was reaching his end, but saying it aloud felt too real…
He gave a small laugh “we?”
“Alright alright, how long do you think you’ve got left?”
“I feel like you can tell by looking at me” he chuckled, trying his best to work around the question.
He definitely wasn’t wrong either, Chuuya had gotten thinner as of late. And the lack of sleep was more visible on him than he’d have liked.
“Can you at least give me an estimate or something?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it, Dazai…”
Dazai loved to push people, to get them to say whatever he wanted to hear. But when it came to Chuuya, he found it much more difficult to push…
“That’s alright. Don’t worry about it.” Dazai gave the ginger a reassuring smile
But something about that smile felt so… fake.
“Hey uh, it’s getting late. I should probably go.”
Dazai got up from his spot next to Chuuya, flashing another forced smile.
“Bye, Chuuya.”
Of all the things Dazai had said over the last few months… all the stupid suicidal jokes, the ridiculous, entertaining, and almost certainly made up stories, the strange fun facts he always seemed to have prepared…
Nothing, and I mean nothing. Could have prepared Chuuya to hear that.
Because in those months of visits, no matter what, Dazai always left the same way. A genuine smile, a brief wave, and some variation of “Seeya later Chuuya!”
Chuuya stared at Dazai, hardly able to put together a sentence.
“See you tomorrow, Osamu?” Though it was meant to be a statement, Chuuya said it as a question. His gaze unwavering from Dazais.
Dazai didn’t reply though, he just gave a small hum, that same smile resting untruthfully on his face. No indication as to whether he was coming back. Then, he started to walk away.
“Osamu!” Chuuya called after him, louder than he probably needed to be. And certainly more desperate than he wanted to be.
Dazai turned back around, the slightest trace of what looked like guilt cracking through his expression. “Yeah?”
“You’re coming back… right?”
Dazai froze completely. His body stiffened up, and his face dropped. The only other time Chuuya had seen him like this was when Dazai thought he’d ruined their “date”
“Osamu…” Chuuyas voice was lowered now, he studied Dazais expression, one that only a few minutes ago had seemed so full of life.
Dazai let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. His expression softened with only the intent to put Chuuya at ease. Though it had quite the opposite effect on the Ginger.
He approached the bed once again, holding his pinky finger out to Chuuya.
“Like I promised you Chuuya, I’ll stick with you. ‘Til death do us part.”
Chuuya interlocked his pinky with Dazais, searching his eyes for any trace of a lie.
“ ‘Til death do us part…”
But again, Dazai walked out without his usual “Seeya later Chuuya!”
——————————
Maybe it’s stupid, that something so small affected Chuuya so much. And maybe it’s stupid that he’s laying awake at night thinking about the way Dazai left
And it is definitely stupid, that because of something so small, Chuuya is concidering something so insane…
“Unless you want to come with me” the words repeated in his mind on a loop, a broken record of his own creation.
If you’d asked Chuuya a few months ago, before he’d met the suicidal maniac, if he’d ever consider cutting his life short… he’d probably have kicked you in the face for it.
So why was it that now, it felt like a real option.
Was it really so implausible to imagine a life where he and Dazai weren’t together?
That’s stupid, isn’t it? Giving your life up for someone you only met recently…
Of course it’s stupid.
But since meeting Dazai, Chuuya found himself more endeared by the idea of stupidity than he used to be.
And when it really came down to it, what would he be missing? A few extra miserable weeks in the hospital.
A little bit more time for him to feel empty? For him to feel drowsy, worn out, and in constant pain?
It seemed like a small price to pay to die with the person he…
A small price to pay, to die with Dazai.
——————————
Finally, Chuuya had made up his mind.
Granted he’d made his mind up to do something stupid and self destructive, but he felt at peace nonetheless.
Chuuya fiddled with a mess of yarn in his hands, the tiny crocheted Chuuya that Dazai had made.
The thing hardly resembled Chuuya anymore, but he loved it regardless.
Chuuya found himself looking back and forth, between the clock and the doorway.
‘10 AM… that’s fine, Dazai never wakes up early. Nothing to worry about’
Despite his attempts of self soothing, Chuuya felt a pit growing in his stomach.
At 12, Chuuya found himself staring at the doorway, his gaze unwavering, waiting for Dazai to walk in as usual
By 2, he was looking at the ceiling, only occasionally flicking his eyes back to the door. Expecting, or… hoping, that Dazai would walk through.
Dazai had a habit of running late, it wasn’t all that unusual… maybe he caught traffic or woke up late!
But with every hour that passed, that hope Chuuya had flickered away.
By 8:30, a nurse walked into the room, ready to warn Dazai that visiting hours had ended half an hour ago.
“Sir, visiting hours are- oh… nevermind then!” She gave a small smile to Chuuya, who sat alone on his bed.
‘I guess it only makes sense that Dazai would be a part of their routines too now.’
Chuuya tried, over and over, to convince himself it was just a fluke.
Maybe the bandaged idiot had just gotten arrested or something! There had to be a reason. Dazai… he wouldn’t leave Chuuya without a reason, would he?
‘Bye, Chuuya.’ Dazais voice sounded through his head once more.
No… Dazai promised! ‘Til death do us part.
So he would come back tomorrow, and he’d have a great explanation for everything. He had to…
Unfortunately though, it didn’t matter how many times Chuuya told himself Dazai would come back.
Because day, after day, after day…
Dazai never showed up.
And seemingly overnight, Chuuyas life had gone back to the way it was. All those months ago, before Dazai wandered into the man’s room, asking stupid intrusive questions about what it’s like to die.
Chuuya went back to staring at the popcorn ceilings. Memorizing, once again, all those little patterns he thought he’d forgotten.
Chuuya tilted his head to the side, looking over to the little cactus next to his bed.
It had lost some of its color, a small section in the middle had turned from royal green to brown
“That seems like a bad omen…” he mumbled.
Chuuya let out a soft sigh, his mind drifting back to Dazai for the thousandth time.
‘I swear, if that bastard comes back he better have a good excuse!’
Chuuya noticed the sound of footsteps approaching his door. Not something he’d normally take note of, but lately the smallest thing would have him on his toes… maybe it was the sleep loss.
He tried to ignore it, until he noticed the doorknob being pushed downward.
Chuuyas eyes went wide ‘Osamu?’
A nurse walked through the door with a customer service smile on his face.
“How are you doing, Mr. Nakahara?”
“Uh, I’m fine.”
“Good to hear” the man smiled, beginning to pull the door shut again.
“Wait!”
The nurse paused, opening the door back up. “Yes?”
“Do you know what happened to Dazai Osamu? The guy who always visits me… tall, brown hair, dresses like a mummy on casual Friday?”
The man’s expression softened “I’m afraid I don’t know, I’ll tell you if I hear anything though.”
“Gotcha… no worries, thanks.”
“My pleasure.” The man shut the door and continued down the hall, checking in on patients.
‘Osamu… where the hell did you go, you asshole?!’
Like a guardian angel, answering his questions. Chuuya took note of the voice coming from his TV. A newscaster…
“A young man was found dead this morning in the Ōoka River.”
It was stated, without empathy, without sorrow, without feeling.
And in an instant, Chuuyas' head snapped to look at the screen. No picture… just a woman speaking and a small photo of the River in the corner.
He felt a sinking feeling he’d nearly forgotten. The same one he felt the day he was diagnosed. A feeling of vast emptiness, pulling him apart from the inside out.
‘No… that couldn’t be him. Dazai is fine…’
Dazai is fine… he’s fine because he has to be fine. He has to come back.
He’ll waltz into Chuuya’s room just like that first day… just like every day after that first day. with some ridiculous, idiotic, story that explained his absence perfectly.
He’ll shoo Chuuya to the side of his bed and sit next to him, like always.
Dazai would come back, because if he didn’t come back… Chuuya wouldn’t know what to do with himself anymore.
“The man was identified as Dazai Osamu…” a voice of distinct reality seeped through Chuuya’s overcrowded mind.
The woman went on to explain details of the case, but Chuuya didn’t hear a word… loud ringing filled his ears
‘I misheard that.’
But he didn’t, and he knew that… the words were clear as day. Dazai Osamu was dead.
Chuuya was too caught up in his thoughts, and in the sickening pit that had formed in his stomach to notice the door being pushed wide open
“Sir-” the nurse from before stopped speaking just as abruptly as he had started. Taking notice of Chuuya staring wide eyed at the TV, tears streaming down his face.
The nurse's eyes darted up to the screen, taking note of the photo of Dazai they’d shown in the corner.
“I’ll uh, give you some privacy…” the man backed out of the room, shutting the door gently behind him.
Finally tuning back into the world around him, Chuuya was hit by the sound of his own broken sobs. And the feeling of the small, terribly made, yarn doll that he had unknowingly had a death grip on.
This was something that would never feel real… something that could never feel real, even as hours passed Chuuya couldn’t get his mind off of it. It wasn’t a dream, he didn’t mishear the TV, it wasn’t just some stupidly elaborate prank to scare Chuuya… Dazai Osamu was dead.
It was a fact Chuuya would, unfortunately, never have enough time to accept.
Chuuyas eyes drifted towards Dazais stupid basket… he grabbed it and started looking through everything for what he now realized was the first time.
It wasn’t that he never had the chance, but he never had a reason to. He and Dazai would go through everything eventually, then Dazai would bring it home to refill with enough crap for the next week.
Chuuya pulled things out of the basket, reminiscing over each stupid little time passer.
Bundles of yarn, movies, puzzles, games, and…
Paper?
Chuuya took note of a small envelope at the bottom of the basket. Dazais chicken scratch handwriting scrawled across the front “I hope you find this in time!” Was all it said.
For the first time in ages, Chuuya found himself completely frozen. He stared at the letter in his shaky hands like it was the most fragile thing in the world, second only to himself.
But with a few more breaths, and the reminder that this would be the last of Dazai he’d get to hear from, Chuuya opened up the envelope.
Inside was a letter, and a ring…
“My Dear Chuuya,
Since the day we met, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
I can still see you that first day. you looked so sad, sitting alone in your desolate little hospital room.
I must admit, I first approached you because of the empty look in your eyes. You looked broken, Ready for everything to be over.
I had my hopes that you would die by my side… maybe I still do.
Chuuya, are you mad at me for dying? I tried to wait for you. really, I did.
Life just becomes more and more unbearable as time goes on. And the thought of seeing you die before I do is too much for me to handle. I hope you’ll forgive me…
you believe in life after death, right? like reincarnation. I know we sorta talked about it once, but you never told me if you really believed in it.
I’m not sure if I really believe it honestly, but I hope it’s real.
And I hope we get to have the normal lives like we talked about. I’ll become a private investigator this time! And whatever you end up doing, we can be together, okay?
Please just promise me that we’ll be together…
Sorry for asking so much in this letter… I guess you can’t really answer me anyways.
I don’t even know what else to say here, there’s so much I want to tell you but I can’t make it too long, who knows how much time you’ll have to read it!
Dark joke? Sorry Chuuya, I almost wish I could hear you scolding me for it…
I love you, by the way.
I’m sorry I never told you that out loud. it just felt so much easier to leave you behind if we left things unspoken. Maybe that’s selfish.
But I really do, I am hopelessly and irreversibly in love with you… and I don’t think I’m crazy in saying you feel the same.
Oh and I’m sure you’re wondering about the ring, It’s a family heirloom.
I think you should have it though.
In our next life… I’ll propose to you for real, alright?”
Goodbye, my Slug.”
‘That asshole… he couldn’t have said any of that to me in person?!’
Chuuya wanted to be mad, he wanted to scream at Dazai for the way he left… he wanted to call him a monster, an asshole, an unempathetic prick.
Anything… but he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t. If he got to see Dazai, even for just a moment, he would hug him. Or hold his hand, or kiss him one last time…
Chuuya held the letter close to him, unwilling to let the paper leave his grasp.
And he stayed like that, crying softly into his pillow until he drifted to sleep.
Silence
For the first time since Chuuya was hospitalized, he heard nothing.
No footsteps or voices beyond his door, no beeping machines.
nothing
Even Chuuyas own breathing seemed not to have a sound.
Was he breathing?
Chuuya finally opened his eyes up. he’d been so focused on the sound, or lack thereof, that he hadn’t bothered to actually see where he was.
“Dazai?” The name escaped his lips before he could manage to process it.
Dazai gave the man a sweet smile “Chuuya, you’re here…”
Chuuya took a step forward, raising his hand above his head and bringing it back down hard, slapping Dazai in the face.
“Ow!! Chuuya I know I’m dead, but that still hurt!”
Chuuya didn’t respond though, he just pulled Dazai into a tight embrace.
“You asshole… I hate you so much. Why would you do that?!”
“Do what?” Dazai asked innocently
“You know what.” Chuuya replied brusquely, though Dazais answer didn’t matter… They both knew why. It was written in the note.
“I’m sorry.” Was all Dazai said, his voice quiet and sorrowful. He finally returned the tight hold Chuuya had on him. “So sorry…” he spoke slightly louder this time, but his voice still wavered.
Was he… crying?
Chuuya pulled away, bringing his hand to the taller man’s face and wiping away his tears.
“It’s okay… you’re okay.”
—————————
Dazai sat in front of a large bay window in the port mafia headquarters, noticing the footsteps of his partner not far behind him.
“Whatcha looking at?” Chuuya took his place by Dazais side, staring through the window.
“The reflection.” He answered dryly
“Huh?? What’s so interesting about that?” Chuuya questioned, staring at Dazais reflection in the window rather than looking at his actual partner.
Dazai did the same, trailing his eyes to meet with Chuuyas through the reflection. It was easy to miss, but Chuuya could have sworn he noticed the slightest hint of a smile as Dazai answered “nothing at all…”
“do you believe in past lives?” Chuuya asked. It was abrupt, but so we’re most of the questions the pair asked each other.
“Kinda…” Dazai hesitated to continue the conversation, but asked his partner out of sheer curiosity. “do you?”
“Yeah, I do…” Chuuya replied like it were the only possible answer. “Do you think we knew each other? In our past lives I mean.”
Dazai doesn’t look back at Chuuya, staring at his own reflection in the window. But Chuuya notices the soft smile that crosses Dazais face. “I think so, yeah. I bet we hated each other.” He chuckled
“Me too…” Chuuya slipped his hand in with Dazais, but neither of them spoke a word.
‘Let's stay together. In this life and the next.’