Chapter Text
This is the stupidest thing he’s ever done.
It was all Goro could think to himself, as he rolled his eyes at yet another idiotic question.
He’s not dense. He’s not an idiot. He’s grown up in a society where perfect empathy is considered the baseline standard, he knows how one is supposed to act. Supposed to feel. He has feelings - arguably too strong ones - and he knows how to handle them in public.
He knows how to act. Plastic perfect smile and utterly polite mannerisms - it makes him sick. And every day unmasking around Ren, around his idiotic friends, the less he wants to retreat back into that mask, that falsehood of perfection. He’s better than that.
But the mask is who he ought to be. The hero he dreamed of, the ideal boy who could make people proud. It’s a pathetic dream, one he cast aside for vengeance and true justice, but…one he still carries with him. Why, he’s not sure.
It felt important.
These people seem to forget that he can be a well adjusted member of society. Every time he acts like a perfectly sane and rational person, he gets open mouthed stares from Ann and Sakamoto, as though they’re baffled to see him understanding the basic rules to this children’s game that is life.
It’s humiliating. Stupid questions that test nothing, like helping old ladies crossing the street, kicking dogs, and destroying homeless people’s tents.
They know nothing of the subject they wish to preach.
”…Are we done yet?”
His tone dripped with venom as he looked at his whiteboard, idle.
Full marks. As though morality is a simple on and off switch, as though his status as a killer makes him soulless, empty.
It’s pathetic.
“This is an incomprehensibly awful use of our time. I could come up with better questions in my sleep.”
“Oh yeah?”
Sakamato leaned forward in his seat, glaring at Goro with an all too cocky grin.
“Then by all means.”
…This is a humiliation ritual, isn’t it? It’s all to make him have to act the jester, let them laugh at him. There’s no benefit to this experience except a pathetic attempt to humble him.
…very well, then.
“If you insist. Imagine a world, much like our own, built off cruelty and hatred. The powerful destroy those beneath them, and power can only be achieved through birthright, through ‘luck’. In this world, where the only option is to die or to give in to the cruelty, is it a necessary evil to play by the rules of the ruling class in order to expose the corruption at the heart? By doing so, people will inevitably be harmed - some will die. But it will prevent further harm, and someone else is likely to cause the anguish if you do not.”
He pulled his gloves on tighter.
”Those are the circumstances in which I killed Wakaba Isshiki. And I stand by my decision at the time, and although I regret the grief I caused her daughter I cannot pretend I’d make an alternative choice.”
He knew it was going to kill the energy. Good, quite frankly. The moral issue was never the problem. Instead, it’s the issue of his truth misaligning with what the palace ruler will need to hear to be satiated.
He can lie, but the heart is a fickle thing. It’ll likely be caught if he tries to be dishonest…and therein lies the problem.
“…so you truly believe the world to be beyond saving?” Nijima questioned, a sad understanding in her eyes. She’s seen the seeds of nihilism grow within her own sister, after all. It’s understandable that she’d be quick to realise the truth of his ideology.
”Indeed. There is no improvement for society - the ‘phantom thieves’ may be successful on an individual scale, but the rot that corrupts this world can only be exposed, never healed. The only good that can come would be proving the evil so the disempowered may protect themselves against the inevitable. Striking first.”
The quiet in the room was probably intended to make him uneasy, but he knows his heart. Knows his intentions.
If the world is corrupt, then there’s no sin in the blood on his hands. The hatred in his soul. There is no solution other than self preservation.
”…I would still fight for a better option.”
Ren spoke up, his voice strong yet small against Goro’s monologue.
Irritating little loophole.
”It was a binary choice.”
”I don’t care.” Ren remained steadfast, a little louder now. “I would fight a god for the right to choose a better path.”
Goro rolled his eyes, standing straight.
“Well, good for you. Unfortunately, we don’t all live in a world where the greatest evils can be undone with the power of ‘trying really, really hard.’ Over here in reality, difficult decisions must be made. Sometimes, one’s dreams must be dashed in exchange for justice.”
”Oh, shut up will ya? Talkin’ about dreams and shit, as if you know the first thing about it.”
Sakamoto’s brash attitude is always unwelcome but…particularly as he was close to opening up a little more, it was a quick reminder to Goro that this is a hostile space. He still ought to choose his words carefully.
“Like you got dreams. Bet ya only dream about like…murdering people or somethin’…”
”Ryuji, that’s enough.”
Ann snapped, and that was certainly enough to catch Goro off guard. An unlikely source of a defence indeed.
“He might be a terrible person,” there it is “but he’s still gotta have dreams!”
”Whatever would I do without you, Ann.”
His words came out with venom, yet she still beamed at the thanks. Is she truly this dense to tone? Or is it just a shield of optimism protecting her ego?
Likely both.
Yusuke glanced up from his whiteboard - he had long abandoned writing any form if answers, instead using it as a canvas to sketch upon.
“Still, it is an interesting subject to muse over. What could a person as tarnished in hatred as Akechi Goro wish to dream over? Are those desires as distorted as the man himself?”
…why does he even come here?
“So none of you have an answer to the moral dilemma.”
Ren shifted to speak again, much to Goro’s frustration.
“Besides him.”
”I do.”
Nijima spoke up, her head low.
“I hate to admit it, but I see where you’re coming from. My sister started to see the world the same way, ruthless and cruel…I believe you both are wrong. There is hope in disruption. But in a binary choice - the false dichotomy you presented - I admit that I would rather take action that may result in disaster than stand idle.”
A difference in ideology as to how the world operates. That was inevitable. But knowing she would choose the same, if only she accepted the truth of this world…that was enough for him.
A curt nod, and Goro looked away from her.
”I haven’t abandoned morality. I merely oppose the idea that a life that causes no harm is possible. Inaction is worse than action when ‘correct’ choices no longer exist. I regret the suffering I’ve caused, but I don’t regret my path. My choices.”
”So you honestly believe in a hopeless future…” Morgana shook his head, looking away. “That’s miserable, Akechi.”
”That’s life.”
It always has been. He held onto his lies, his righteous ideas of a hero running around chivalrous stopping the bad guys, but he knows the truth. The future is in the palms of those who use the suffering of others to their advantage. If you do not participate, you’re doomed to the fate of the victim.
His mother never hurt a fly. Look where that got her.
”I imagine the knowledge of life’s misery is well known to Ms Sakura too. I will be…honest, with her. Entirely so. And if she acts in cold blood, if she kills me, then that is her prerogative. But sugar coating it won’t solve anything, not when she already knows the truth.”
Ren is staring at him. It’s honestly incredibly discomforting, like a hot iron burning into his retinas, the corner of his eye as he tries to ignore it.
In an ideal world, he could call it out. Put the pressure on him.
But the room is quiet, there’s a tension in the air that just won’t leave. Nobody is comfortable knowing the futility of the situation. The fact that really, nothing they’ve done today mattered. It’s all going to end the same.
Except it isn’t. Goro knows - for a fact - that in the infinite universe, Ren hasn’t experienced this before.
Because he’s still smiling as he stares.
Bastard…
“…If we are done for the day, I would like to resume my studies.”
Goro felt the words fall out, a mumble as he averted his eyes from the painful stare. He hates feeling like this… freak show to Ren. As though he exists as personal entertainment, nothing more nor less.
”I suppose we are done here.” Yusume nodded, standing. “Same time next week?”
Sakamoto scratched the bank of his neck, shaking his head.
”Could we meet sooner? I wanna get this palace over with if Akechi ain’t budging on the whole sociopath shit.”
”We’ll go when we’re ready.”
Ren’s voice was authoritative, that’s for certain. At least he has a good control over these buffoons.
Today was a humiliation ritual. But it will all be worth it in the end - continuing to blend in amongst their ranks is all he needs. They will all perish in due time.
This will all pass eventually.
As everyone filed out of the attic, silent heading down the stairs to avoid the bugs, Goro moved to make his exit.
Stopping suddenly as a hand grabbed his wrist. His eyes narrowing as he snatched his own arm back from Ren’s grasp, turning to glare it him.
They’re alone now. It’s almost eerily quiet as Ren stared back, retracting his hand with a level of reluctance.
The air between them is icy, still.
”…you’re right.”
The words were muttered with a disgusting acceptance, the grief of a lost future beared in the weight of the words.
Goro blinked in mild surprise, before letting the cold, uncomfortable energy harden him.
”Be more specific. I usually am, after all.”
”You’re right about the world. It is designed to cause suffering, and you can’t change it. You did what you felt you needed to to make a change. I don’t think that makes you a good person, but…I understand you.”
His voice is small, eyes darting away every time he thinks. Delicate with his words, as though Goro is so fragile he might just snap…
It’s annoying.
“So you lied for the moral of your team against them realising the truth of this world? How noble of you.”
It’s a dry sarcasm. Petty, even by his standards, so when Ren refused to acknowledge his attitude it was…remarkably welcome.
“No. I was still being honest. I would change it. I will. But you couldn’t have.”
“Excuse me?”
Goro’s eyebrow raised, his blood starting to boil just from the look on Amamiya’s face. He knows that look. It’s pity.
And it disgusts him.
“It’s not your fault. You’ve been used as a pawn your whole life. You haven’t had a choice in things.”
Amamiya shrugged, as though he was being kind. It’s disgusting, insulting, it’s-
Goro couldn’t stop himself. Bitter rage overcoming him as a fist flew towards Amamiya’s pitiful expression. A punch that broke his ugly glasses, sent him on a path for the ground.
Good. Goro almost considered spitting on him to complete the punishment.
How dare this pathetic trash consider himself better. Freer. Because he gets to be free from the systems that bind us? Because he has the privilege of having nothing left to lose? How quaint.
”YOU think you’re free? Don’t make me laugh! Those pathetic ‘friendships’ are binding you as much as my contracts and alliances. They manipulate you. You aren’t ABOVE me! You AREN’T above this!”
He can’t stop himself
Why can’t he stop himself
He feels sick
Why does he feel
Amamiya is staring at him.
It’s only fuelling his rage further.
”…I’m sorry.”
The apology was small, and yet it cut through Goro’s rage like a hot knife through butter. Angry eyes settling a little to look at what he’s done. Look at the damage he causes.
Why did he do that? He’s supposed to be better than to lose himself. Why isn’t he better?
His fists balled up again as his scoffed, looking away from Ren.
“Good.”
“…I’ve just…I keep forgetting you’re real. That this is all…”
Ren trailed off, dark eyes looking distant as he moved his gaze from Goro to the ceiling. Watching the spiders move in the same patterns, over and over and…
Goro let his gaze follow Ren’s for a moment. This truly is a disgusting attic, though…there is something calming in the repetition…
…
”How many times?”
It’s a question he’s meant to ask, and yet it’s never once been a good moment. But, in light of the quiet conversation that reality is nothing to Ren anymore, it…feels pertinent.
”I lost count. Over a hundred.”
His eyes are so dull, outside the protection of his ugly glasses. The reflection of the world around him gives the illusion of someone being there, but…
He’s just a shell too, isn’t he. Self righteous, despite the emptiness he feels, but…empty regardless.
”…you do realise you’re being played too? Something is forcing you to keep living. If it were up to you, you’d already be dead.”
Goro wasn’t sure he fully believed his own words. It sounds like nonsense, even after all the proof he’s had, but…
It really is true. Something is forcing Ren to live.
Inconvenient, considering his plans to kill him.
…Right. Yes. He plans to kill Ren. God.
Why does that feel so bitter all of a sudden? Why does he feel guilty for that punch, knowing what’s to come? He…
He’s not well. He hasn’t been well.
Once this Futaba situation is sorted, his conscience will settle. He’s certain of it. That’s all this is…
”…so we’re both powerless?”
Ren has made a habit of interrupting his thoughts. Though, to be frank, his question was to pathetic it was hard to be angry.
It’s hard to feel much about any of this, to be frank.
So, Goro focused on the question. It’s an interesting dilemma.
“Well, let’s see. You’ve had a hundred tries at the ‘kill god’ approach. And, if what you say is true, I’ve had a hundred attempts at mine. And, evidently, neither of us got anywhere.”
He bit his lip.
”I dare say it’s likely. Still, I suppose we could always shoot for a hundred and one?”
He phrased it as though it were a joke. Comedic that it’s just sinking in how futile everything truly is.
They are doomed to repeat this dance. He is doomed to forget. They’ll both die, and die, and die for what they believe in.
He sat with his mortality for a moment. He’s still in school. He’s going to die before his college exams. He’s going to die.
He…
He can’t kill Ren. He simply can’t. That dooms them back into this loop, forever. Dancing around oblivion in an endless game of cat and mouse.
But he can’t give up. He can’t back down, he’s in too deep. He gave everything for this. He’ll die for the crimes he committed, and it will be all for nought. He’s a dead man no matter what, isn’t he?
Everything he’s ever done, it’s all been a waste.
Faced with certain doom, he glanced at Ren. Watching him go through his own grief towards the decades of life he’s spent living the same days, knowing there’s no guarantee it’ll ever end.
When the anger fades, and the hope is long dead, what’s left?
…
”We’ll get out of it.”
Ren’s voice was quiet. Speaking with a certainty that had never been earned.
“And you can keep punching me when I mess up like that. If you need to. Whatever it takes. I don’t want to become an asshole…”
”You don’t want to be like me.”
It was implied. Ren said nothing g to deny it.
…Goro wants to be angry. But faced with the inevitability of failure, he’s just…tired.
He’ll think of something. Eventually. Maybe trap Ren somewhere. Get him jailed for life, make his parents pick him up, something to get him out of his way alive, but…
Right now, he can’t force himself to feel much of anything.
Is this how Ren typically feels? It’s soul crushing.
…
”Do you honestly believe that bullshit?”
”Yeah. I’ll win. We’ll make it out.”
Ren’s answer was almost immediate.
…we. Ren is still trying to drag him alongside him.
And, for the first time in a long, long time, Goro could picture himself doing exactly that.
Trying to fix things in a kind way. Harmless and…
Ineffective. It’ll never work. No matter what he wants to do with the blood on his hands, there is no avoiding the stains if he wants to do anything in this meaningless existence.
He looked at Ren for a moment longer, before turning to leave.
“…Meet me after school tomorrow. The jazz bar. I want to know everything that happens. I refuse to take this lying down.”
Force the fire to burn, kill the hopelessness. No matter the cost, no matter the outcome, he’s in too deep to give up. Force the anger, the indignant desperation to survive against all odds.
He is not a quitter. No matter how doomed he may truly be. He’ll solve the loop problem. He’ll prevent his own death. He’ll fix the world as he sees necessary.
He’ll prove his ideology by breaking the cycle. He has to.
He needs to dream about something, after all.