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It was no secret that Spencer Reid didn’t eat as much as he was supposed to. It could have stemmed from a childhood where food was a scarcity, or maybe it was because he had always felt better when he was able to make himself smaller. That’s what his team believed at least. Either way, the entire BAU team made it their mission to slip him small portions of food on the daily.
Unfortunately, It took a very cautious hand to ensure that the food that he was about to eat would truly be consumed.
The BAU did not have a cautious hand.
Hotch or Rossi would peel an orange for him with the same hand that was used to open the door. Emily’s hands always ran a little warmer and so when she tried to hand over a couple gummy bears, the thought of consuming them was nearly impossible. Morgan would bring back take out for the team and place everyone's fork on the center of the table. A table that might have been wiped down once in the past month…and that would have been wishful thinking. JJ or Penelope might hand him a drink, but she keeps talking and her breath is so close to the straw, and germs are now absolutely swarming that lid, and there is no way Spencer's mouth will go anywhere near that drink.
It all had to do with the germs. Where had their hands been? Was this expired? Did this fall on the floor? Where were these crackers before they were placed in the zip lock bag? Did one of them fall on the floor? When will this make me sick?
It was tiring. Immensely. The constant overturning wheel of statistics running through his head and all of them focused back onto the same thing…Was it safe to eat?
More often than not, his brain told him no.
So in the end, it really shouldn’t have been a surprise that the orange ended up in the trash. Not that Hotch would ever figure that out. It also shouldn’t have been a surprise that the gummy bear never made it to his mouth. Spencer wonders if he could still find it in his bag. Nothing could convince Spencer to truly accept the take out. There were no extra forks and truthfully that restaurant had looked a little dirty anyway. So yes he told the team he wasn’t feeling the best. He said he had a stomach ache and his team believed him. Why wouldn't they?
To be completely honest, It wasn’t exactly a lie. It was just never the full truth.
He didn’t feel good. Had never felt good. His bones were tired on a molecular level, his hair had thinned out, his sweater vests stopped being for looks ages ago, and his stomach had become accustomed to the hollow feeling of being repeatedly scooped out and discarded. Despite the laws of physics, and a genius brain that could have unraveled the entire meaning of life if he really tried, Spencer Reid occasionally believed that he could float away.
In fact, he wanted to float away.
Away from his mind.
Away from his thoughts.
Away from responsibilities.
Away from the memories and the pain.
Away from a body that was more bones than muscle.
Away from the monsters that plague a world he used to find beauty in.
Away from this world.
He wanted to float into a world that was just as dark and peaceful as it was when dilaudid was coursing through his veins and reducing his most primal instincts to nothing more than fleeting snippets of thought. Some would say he got clean from dilaudid, Spencer would say he just traded one addiction for another.
After all, hollowing himself out was just as addicting as allowing hallowed substances to course through his veins.
—————————
In another universe maybe Spencer Reid did float away.
His muscles would continue to atrophy and his brain would refuse to allow him to put food into his mouth, no matter how much he wished he could.
In another universe maybe Spencer Reid's heart would give out in the quiet of his own home. It was the wrong sort of quiet though. Not one that drowned out the woes of life, but instead it was a stifling quiet that suffocated all those it surrounded. Spencer’s slight frame would crumble to the floor and a day later Hotch would walk through the door and watch the boy he viewed as a son be removed from a house that was never viewed as a home.
In another universe Hotch would gather the rest of the team, no, family, in the bullpen and deliver the news. JJ’s legs would give out and Emily would just barely manage to catch her before she hit the floor. Rossi would immediately walk out of the room and nobody would speak of the tears streaming down his face. Morgan would let out a scream full of nothing but anguish. Maybe it was directed at himself, maybe at Spencer, but most likely at the entire world for dealing a group of seven the worst hand of cards anyone had ever seen. Hotch would never admit it, but the reason he was able to stay so emotionless was because there was nothing more he could give. A bottle of whiskey had already been downed and he had screamed till his throat was raw over the metal image of an emaciated body that should have been spouting statistics left and right.
However, thankfully, this was not the other universe.
—------------------
It hadn’t been a good week for Spencer Reid. It hadn’t even been a good year, so when he bumped into the man and spilled the container of breakfast that he had carefully prepped to his exact liking, he accepted his fate of continuing on with his day even more hungry then he had originally planned for.
It wasn’t a new occurrence. Spencer was used to being hungry, but that didn’t mean he always enjoyed it. If he felt that he could stomach food then he would make the safest and healthiest food he could find and do his best to stomach as much as he could. It might not be a lot, but it was always better than nothing.
The man immediately bent down to pick up Spencer’s fork and hand it back to him. In any other situation it might have been viewed as kind. It was kind. It was just that Spencer was functioning on mere hours of sleep and a sliced apple that had carried him through an entire day, so when he was faced with a fork that he would never touch his mouth and the prospect of a day spent hungry…His own eyes filled with tears.
Now this is probably where the boy should have shied away and continued on with his day and by extension, his life. But no, he smiled at the boy with the sunken cheekbones and saw an ethereal beauty that needed his help.
Ethan was his name.
Ethan and Spencer. Spencer and Ethan.
Maybe it should have been harder for two boys to become such fast friends, though in reality it was the most natural thing in the world. After cases they would meet up. They would talk, they would laugh, sometimes cry, but more often than not Ethan would play music and Spencer would ramble on about the most interesting topics he could think of.
Eventually Spencer would open up about his food issues and Ethan, being Ethan, made it a point to learn every single one of his food rules. The things he sometimes found okay, the things he always disliked, the things he always liked, the way he prepared certain things at certain times and only if the expiration date was well before the deadline. He learned it all.
In turn, Spencer learned everything he could about Ethan. He learned of his love for music and allowed his E to play every instrument he could dream of until the thoughts drained out of his head and both of them were sitting there in a silence that Spencer could finally tolerate. He learned of Ethan's parents and how they never outright hit him, but sometimes emotional abuse and neglect was just as bad as physical.
They balanced each other out. They spilled their secrets to each other in the dead of the night and finally, finally, Spencer didn’t feel the need to float away. He wanted to stay grounded to the very floor Ethan walked across. He would tie himself down with ropes and zip ties if it meant he could stay right next to the enigma that was his Ethan. He would slit his own wrists if the imprint of his blood on the floor would allow his presence to linger just a little longer.
Ethan was the same way. He just never wanted to float away. Instead, he wanted to run. He wanted to run until he could thrive in a realm where nobody knew he existed and where he didn’t have to be anyone other than himself. With his Spencer though? He would never run again. If he truly had to he would run straight into the arms of his lover again and again until he ran out of road to run on. Then he would switch to crawling on his hands and knees. If that didn’t work he himself would build another road brick by brick till he made his way back to the boy that rapidly took up such a large part of his heart.
It only took two months for themselves to stutter through an explanation of their devotion and dedication to the other. By the end their lips had met, and strangely enough, Spencer didn’t mind.
After all, more germs were spread through a handshake than a kiss.
—---------------
The entrance of someone new in the life of their boy genius was certainly a surprise. They never noticed before how deep the purple circles below their youngest members' eyes had sunk until they started to disappear. Neither did they notice the rapidly declining frame beneath the mountain of sweaters until said frame began to fill out again. For a team of profilers they didn’t tend to notice what was standing, quite literally, right in front of them.
This never bothered the young man though. He knew that he was a genius and he knew how well he had hid his issues with food. Hell Spencer knew how well he hid all of his issues period. Therefore, he could never truly blame his team for their lack of attention. He specifically made it a point to ensure they didn’t notice.
That being said, he did sometimes wish they would have seen past his masks. Seen past his smiles and baggy sweaters. Seen just enough to raise some concerns and seen just enough to ask if he was okay. Spencer doesn’t know what he would have said if they did ask, but he knows he would have appreciated the thought nonetheless.
Back to the matter at hand though. This time his team did notice a change, and this time it was a change he wanted them to see.
They saw it in his eyes first. Just for a moment they looked ten times more alive than they had ever looked before. No longer were they carefully blank. They held a depth and a sparkle to them that not a single one of them could remember seeing before. It saddened them that they had never known another side to their boy genius.
In the quiet of the night after their most recent case they all made a pact, they would learn this side. They would learn every side of their brother and wouldn’t stop till they were the family they claimed to always be.
———————-
It took another two months for Spencer to even hint to the team that he was seeing someone else. This would have rounded out an entire year since he met Ethan and eight months since they had gotten together.
It took another year after small slip ups, and the casual mentions of a partner for the team to finally be told that his name was Ethan.
—----------
After being with Ethan for a little over two years, Spencer could finally say that he was healing. That doesn’t mean it was all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, It was incredibly slow going.
A week after they moved in together Spencer found himself suffering from yet another horrible migraine. They had become far and few in between but that didn’t mean he didn’t still get them on occasion. Ethan tried to do everything right. Despite Spencer barely being able to get a word out he managed to understand his needs of a dark and quiet space where he had a warm compress pressed delicately over his eyes. His next order of business was grabbing him some extra strength pain meds his doctor had prescribed long ago. Not narcotics obviously, but still strong enough to get the job done.
It was a bit stressful for all involved when Ethan poured two tablets into his hand and tried to hand them over to the boy who had managed to steal his heart. Maybe Ethan should have expected it, but he didn’t. He was worried and stressed, so when Spencer just moaned and smacked the pills out of his hands he would reluctantly admit that he did get angry.
Okay, maybe not angry. Just frustrated. It wasn’t a normal occurrence for either of them to get frustrated with the other. They were communicators and good ones at that. They would sit down and have a full chick-flick moment before they ever considered throwing hands. Even with how stressful the moment was Ethan would never have raised his hand against his love. Never.
That being said, he did snap.
“Im trying to fucking help you.”
If Spencer was in a better state of mind he might have realized that while his E’s voice was aggravated, it was also desperate. Desperate and worried. That being said, Spencer was not in a better state of mind. His head was pounding and his stomach was churning and even the slightest cracks of light slipping through the curtains seemed like the holy lights of heaven striking down to accept him into the warm embrace of death.
So no. He didn’t realize. Instead tears sprung to his eyes and for the first time in a long time he wished he could float away once again…and he did. He blocked out the world around him until the only thing he could focus on was the constant thumping of his heart and the warm drops trailing down his face. He told himself it was from the warm compress. Deep down he knew it was from his eyes.
When the two woke up the next morning, Spencer sprawled across the bed and Ethan leaning against the side of said bed with the two tablets still clutched tightly in his hands, he knew they had to have a conversation. It was going to be a long one and he knew that by the end Ethan would have to make the decision to either stay or leave. He was a lot to handle and he would never make an excuse against the fact. It was the sad truth.
The moment Ethan woke up he could feel it too. The tense air was nearly palliable, but they made do. They made a hearty breakfast of pancakes and silently orbited around the other in a carefully crafted pattern they had already nailed down into a science. It took entirely too long and an entirely too short period of time before they were placing their plates on the coffee table and sitting themselves on the couch.
It started tame with a plethora of apologies and some explanations, but the problem with sharing your thoughts and views is that humans truly believe that once they start talking they will never be able to get a chance to speak again. They become starved for the chance to unload their deepest emotions and thoughts that their words escape in a hunger that they never knew they could possess.
Well, Spencer knew. Hunger was something he was painfully familiar with. Though just because he was familiar with it doesn’t mean he was comfortable with it.
It took till the sun began to set for Ethan to truly begin to understand the man sitting in front of him. Yes, he was frustrated. They both were but each for different reasons. Spencer wanted someone else to understand how tiring it was to second guess everything you put into your mouth. Constantly live in fear that the food you just consumed would come back to haunt you just hours later despite how irrational it might have been. Constantly being so weary of germs that it directly affects your own quality of life. Ethan, Ethan was frustrated simply for the fact that he didn’t understand. He had never worried about what he ate or the next time that he got sick and it confused the fuck out of him that someone could worry like that.
That being said, looking at the beautiful man he had fallen in love with he found himself not caring. He could never understand a word Spencer Walter Reid utter again for the rest of his life and he would still preach his words as if he knew the syntax behind each one. However, he owed it to Spencer to understand. If he was going to be a part of his life it was the least he could do. It was the least that Spencer deserved.
This might have been the first time a conversation such as this one took place, but it certainly would not be the last.
That was okay though. Rome was not built in a day and neither is a relationship.
—------------
Ethan was not the only person Spencer opened up to. It took time, but ever so slowly everyone on the team became aware of his problems. He gave them the abridged version because the full thing would have filled at least three novels, but in the end they somewhat understood and similarly to Ethan, vowed that they would make an effort to understand even more in the future.
Hotch or Rossi started handing Spencer a bottle of hand sanitizer with an unpeeled cutie during cases. Some days the sanitizer felt like enough to wipe away the germs, other times not so much. Though it didn’t really matter because in the end he was simply grateful that Hoch was trying to make an effort. Emily started stockpiling baby packs of haribo gold bears in her bag so that when she shares with the team she can still give her favorite brother some too. Morgan no longer stepped foot into a restaurant if it had anything less than an A+ rating and he certainly didn’t leave the establishment until he had secured at least a couple extra forks. JJ and Penelope always make sure Spencer's drink is covered with the lid and his straw is left in its package until it is delivered into his hands.
It's a lot. Spencer knows that. He feels guilty some days and despite the reassuring looks the team gives him, he knows it is hard on them when he refuses to eat for days at a time and when the thought of placing something into his mouth has his heart slamming into his throat and tears prickling in his eyes.
They get through it though. Together. They always do. That is what family is for.
—--------------
It's a sunny day when the team finally gets to meet their lover boy’s man. The meeting wasn’t planned and later Rossi will be heard telling Morgan that the spontaneity made it ten times better. A tad funnier as well.
Spencer Reid might be a genius, but he was still a human that made human mistakes. In this situation that included forgetting to pack his lunch. Ever since the first talk with Ethan he had slowly started allowing Ethan to cook for him. It wasn’t perfect and it took time for trust to be built and rebuilt, but now Spencer could safely say that he would comfortably eat the food that he made, the food Ethan made, and most recently, the pasta that Rossi made.
Walking into the bullpen it was instantly noticeable that Spencer was…Cranky? It seems childish to phrase it in such a way, but the petulant scowl on his face and the disgruntled tilt of his eyebrows lead to no other conclusions. He collapsed into his desk chair with a dramatic huff and turned to face the amused agents surrounding him. With a dramatic clutch of his chest he proclaimed that, yes, the genius with an IQ of 187 and an eidetic memory had forgotten to pack his own lunch. It raised some laughs and Hotch was quick to allow him a break around lunchtime if he felt the need to go home.
Spencer shook him off though. They didn’t have a case today and they would finally be allowed to leave the office early. He had already had a big breakfast and waiting till dinner wouldn’t exactly kill him.
In the end everyone chattered on about mundane things and went about the rest of their day.
However, they would not be chattering about mundane things by the end of the hour. Oh no. Definitely not.
It had reached 1 o'clock and Emily was munching on a sandwich while JJ was forking what looked like leftovers. Morgan could be seen throwing some mixed nuts into his mouth and Hotch seemed to be eating…Mac and cheese? Valid, but it definitely made Spencer hungrier than he should have been. He didn’t even want to look over and see whatever it was Rossi was eating. He could smell it from here and knew damn well it was one of his safe foods. Damn Rossi.
Before he could even get another thought in, the elevator opened and a man just a couple inches taller than Spencer with dark brown, nearly black, hair and warm eyes stepped out. He was dressed in worn jeans and a graphic tee with a band nobody could name stamped onto it. Everyone's eyes tracked the new man as he stepped towards Spencer’s desk and stopped himself entirely too close to his desk. They glanced at their boy genius and instead of seeing him shying away from the newcomer they were surprised to see his soft smile and the way he leaned into the man's hand brushing across the top of his shoulder.
They began to tune into the conversation as the two boys started talking.
“You promise-”
“I washed my hands TWICE before I even started working with the food. The knife used to spread the mayo and cut the apple were different. I inspected the bread-”
“Did you-”
“Yes, the ingredients in the sandwich only touched the containers they were in and the bread. There was a piece of cheese that got dropped, but it was thrown away immediately and I washed my hands again after touching the floor to pick it up.”
It seemed to go on like that for another couple moments. Worried question followed by quick reassurances. The team glanced at each other with smiles on their faces. Nothing was perfect, not by a long shot and it probably never will be, but for now everything was just okay and they knew their Spencer Reid was in good hands.
Finally, the man placed his hands on either side of Spence's face and tipped his head up so he had to look into his eyes.
“Do you trust me?”
“Always.”
“Then eat the damn sandwich Spencer.”
And so Spencer ate the damn sandwich.