Chapter Text
Hey, what’s up man? The new chapter was totally awesome, but you don’t seem to be too happy about it.
Hey, idk really it’s just the usual stuff I guess
Parents?
Lol they don’t even bother with me anymore. I’m sleeping at a friend’s again. Fuck them
You’re not that much of a help if I wanna get smtg out of you
It’s not that deep anyway. I just have some problems with a guy from my class, that’s all. The same shit that was in my last school.
It is serious than, man. Don’t belittle yourself that much cause you’re belittling me with that
What even does that mean?
Cause I like you, and I only like awesome people. Don’t make me question my principles
You’re cute, but like the problem is that barely anyone likes me irl
And? Fuck them, like you said. I know it’s hard, but you’re worthy of love and acknowledgement. I mean, you’re an awesome writer, and an awesome friend. And I’d really miss you if you were gone too lol. I’m not that great with this feely stuff (as you can see) but I just want you to know that I mean it. And like, this all is not permanent. It’s only one year, and you’re free, right? It’s hard, but I believe in you, and the fact that you can pull this off.
You’re really sweet, aren’t you? Well, it’s definitely more helpful, yk to read this, than cigs lmao but like I’m not about to off myself or anything haha if I die young it’ll be from lung cancer so like, dw about me
You never change man, I can’t even feel disappointed anymore lol. And you usually do sound like you’re about to off yourself.
As if you’re any better Mr. Perfect Son
Stfu I literally just wrote an essay about how much I like you don’t ruin it
Haha dorky <33
*
Wanna play mc with meeeee
Nah man I let’s play smtg else instead
But you only like shooters
Not true I like indie games too
But there’s no coop
YOU only like playing mc and roblox
Bruh you talk like I’m a kid and you are my elitist cousin
Suck it up bro
Pretty pleaseeeeee <3333
Don’t think that’s enough to convince me
I’ll spam your messages if you don’t agree
I’ll block you lmao
One of my friends’ bff is some IT kid I’ll ask him to hack you
Boo-hoo pretend I’m afraid
Fuck you >:((
Fine okay boot up the server
Hey
Now you’re giving me the silent treatment?
Fuck you
Little shit
Kurwa
Ily too <33
*
Just a random thought isn’t it lowkey weird we still don’t know each other’s name
It’s funnier this way. Like you know, wouldn’t it be funny if we only met irl on the day of our wedding
Bro we aren’t even dating and two guys can’t even get married
Yeah, but it’d be funny and my name is Maria can’t I kinda count as a woman?
Wait. 1stly; it’d be more like middle age-ish and weird. 2ndly; wtf? are you joking?
No it’s my second name. Or was. Weird family tradition, that all the first sons have it as a second name. Even weirder since I’m not even catholic lmao
Yk I’ve already given in my application for the Registry Office to change it (as soon as I turned 18) and now I’m happily living Maria-lessly.
Poor you that’s like totally embarrassing and not from your part but your parent’s but like, are you an atheist? or why do you mind it?
No, I’m an evangelist. We don’t do this Mary-cult thing.
Yk, my father was a catholic, and my mother the protestant one. My mother took me to her church, they managed to convince me to believe lol
But like it’s kinda cute lmao and also unique
Nobody ever said anything good about it :’)
Now I do, but like I completely get it and it sucks ass that your parents haven’t thought about the fact that it’ll be embarrassing for you. At least your other name is okay?
Kinda? Like I have a foreign name since my parents aren’t Polish and some people looked at me like weirdly a bit after they heard it but it’s rare
Well, that sucks bro
Ever the sympathetic?
Bro, yk that ily
Ever the sweetest <33
*
Feliks’ relationship with G was weird. They chatted constantly, in a weirdly flirty way. More like they outright talked as if they were dating with heart emojis and saying that they loved each other. It wasn’t like what he experienced with Tolys.
The Lithuanian boy was dense, and never would have talked this confusing. He was practical, never so feely, and when he confessed his feelings, that was the only time he really opened up in this regard. Otherwise, they really were just like very good friends, and Feliks was way more comfortable with that than someone actively courting him. It was just simply so unusual that he was this direct with hitting him up, and Feliks started to worry if he really was an eighteen-year-old like him, or some weird old man. He dared to say, it was almost girly how he wrote, more like what he was used to from Iryna.
However, it was cute. And charming. And now he was the innocent princess charmed by her knight in shining armour. This all made him feel so confused, that it was getting again hard to bear.
The thing was that additionally, things haven’t been going better at school either. Mostly, they just ignored each other with Gilbert, but fights between them were still regular. It was monotone and tiring, like he was trapped in an eternal spiral never wanting to let him go. He just wanted to end it all so desperately, but didn’t see a way how. The only little relief was when he could talk to G about it a bit, but he never went into too much detail. The best would be to forget, but no amount of weed could numb his brain that much, ever.
And even worse was, that his butt was freezing off because of the awful coming of the winter. Maybe it wasn’t the brightest idea to sit on an almost frozen swing, but he still couldn’t miss his routine he was so adamant about. It was better than being at home, anyway.
This time he wasn’t writing, but merely swinging gently and sombrely. It always calmed him down when he was disturbed, and numbed his brain enough to regress into the childish mindset he had as a kid. Forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards and backwards again. He started down at his legs kicking the air, and only focused on the movement being on the beat established in his head.
He imagined kicking the head off of people he hated. Beilschmidt, his parents, Tolys and himself in that exact order. The cycle repeated just like the position of his legs continuously. It was comforting, even more than thinking of nothing.
He didn’t like a lot of people on the contrary, just Natalia, Iryna and maybe Tomasz. His cousins didn’t really count, because they couldn’t give a shit about him, and the feeling was reciprocated. He sometimes wondered if he just simply wasn’t fit into this world, and should die. Feliks usually supressed that voice at the back of his head quite well, but as someone with one foot long in the grave, he couldn’t always count on his abilities. And now, it was a time like that.
Feliks jumped out of the swing clumsily, not even trying to avoid the painful collision with the ground instead of trying to land on his feet. He knew that it couldn’t cause him permanent harm, but he wanted to feel the sting of him crashing to the icy sand, and he barely could get himself to get up afterwards. Everything was bland and boring, and he just didn’t want to exist.
As he started walking back to his car, a familiar figure appeared in the corner of his eye as he passed the jungle gym by. He was leaning against the climbing wall despite the uncomfortable colourful pieces sticking out of it, which probably stuck into his back. Well, for each to his own or whatever. Feliks wouldn’t have cared if it wasn’t for the fact that when he saw Gilbert here, that never meant anything good. And now, he wanted to do anything but fight again. His car wasn’t far, and the clouds gathering above their heads promised a horrible rain soon, that was for sure. The blonde hated to be drenched with rain, cause he hated when it fucked his freshly washed hair up, which was carefully dried the way he liked it.
Their eyes met for only a split of second, and Feliks showed no intention to stop, but the albino grabbed his hand, and the green eyed wasn’t strong enough to pull it out with the momentum of his movements. He was defiant though and didn’t turn around to face him.
“Why are you here?” asked Feliks, before giving a chance Gilbert to explain himself, just as if their positions were reversed.
“I was walking by.”
“So you have nothing to say? Then let me go.”
“Why the hurry?”
“Not your business.” at that, Gilbert smirked maliciously.
“Do you have a date by any chance?”
“Would be fucked up if I dated my cousin.” Feliks just made shit up without a blink of eye, not particularly worked up by a white lie like that.
Gilbert let his hand go, but instead of continuing on his escape route, he turned around with his whole body in the taller one’s direction. He eyed him sharply and mistrustingly, even though he was just given the benefit of the doubt that he’ll stay. And he was morbidly happy that something was happening, so he didn’t mind doing that exactly.
The albino tore apart him to atoms with his eye, or at least it felt that way. He watched him from head to toe, analysing every detail of him, but Feliks just took it lightly, and nonchalantly with sharply eyeing back.
“Have you been eating normally?” Feliks’ outer shield broke for a mere second before reassembling it. What the actual fuck was he talking about?
It seemed even Gilbert was taken aback by his own question, not completely believing that it slipped out. Or maybe it was planned but he regretted it immediately. It was more than possible form the amount of heat rushing into his face. He was unlucky, because it was easy to see through him because of his condition. Well, the better for Feliks.
“It’s funny that you pretend to care, but then you go and beat me up every other day.” smirked at him Feliks, tilting his head up slightly so that he seemed a bit taller. The other didn’t say a thing, just clenched his fists painfully hard.
Feliks felt a bit cocky, so he pulled out his pack of cigs performatively, stuck one of the sticks into his mouth, and lit it while intently keeping eye contact with him, despite Feliks finding that usually hard and uncomfortable.
"Here, this is my breakfast, lunch and dinner." His words flew out of his mouth with the sharp smoke, while wearing a daring expression.
"You can't be serious."
"Oh, I completely am."
They stood in tense silence after that for a while. Feliks slapped his hands into his pockets, cause his fingers were freezing off thanks to his fingerless gloves. He left the cig hanging out of his mouth like a pleb on a construction site, which was probably his destiny in a while.
Gilbert was visibly annoyed at that, and he was scrunching his nose trying to block the horrid smell out, which amused Feliks even more. That look in his eyes he oh so well knew, the pity mixed with contempt, he was merely feeding off of it.
But instead of what Feliks predicted would happen - that meaning Gilbert slapping him - the hand reaching toward his face simply took the not even half smoked cig out of his mouth, and stomped on it aggressively. Feliks was taken aback for the second time today, genuinely confused by Gilbert's intentions behind this all. Like, he didn't seem as he wanted to specifically hurt him with that, and did that simply out of the good in his heart. Like a good Samaritan saving his brethren.
"Never considered quitting?"
"Maybe if I'm diagnosed with lung cancer, I'll consider." Gilbert didn't seem pleased with his response, based on his frown.
"Why do you want to die so bad?" Feliks eyes immediately turned apathetic at that. Just how many times have he been asked that? His initial smirk morphed into a frown, and he really considered punching him in the face. Only to help his deviated septum.
"I don't. Just don't get why I shouldn't live my life the way I like it."
"Can't imagine you saying that seriously."
"I really don't get why are you so worked up by that topic. It's been a good while, and no incidents like that happened after. It was a one-off thing."
"Incidents? You did that to yourself."
"Whatever. I can do whatever the fuck I want."
Gilbert stared at him weirdly. It wasn’t pity fully, but something akin to that, just more conflicted. Like he himself had no idea what to do now. Feliks knew this whole charade was pointless though, because he was adamant about being unsavable. And he hated getting help from others. He didn't like to be indebted to anyone.
"Come with me, I'll take you to get lunch." Well, Feliks thought this was the end and he had finally gone crazy after suffering from brain damage when he hit the ground before. The seventh seal was broken, and doomsday had descended to this earthly realm.
He waited for Gilbert to laugh in his face, but he actually looked very much serious, though his dace was still red. Feliks just still couldn't comprehend what this was. A weird way of apologizing? Or an offer of truce?
"I'm not hungry. And I'm meeting my cousin."
"You're lying, aren't you?"
"Cute that you always seem to think that. I am not."
He sighed at that, and Feliks could almost see the cogs running in his head, wanting to come up with another method of convincing him. It was still out of the realm of possibility to the blonde why the fuck was he doing that.
And then, he felt something hitting his face. No emotional trauma has been inflicted on him this day, so it was baseless to think he started crying out of the blue, which could only mean that it started raining. Which was fair, since he predicted a while back that it would, but now it gave him another reason not to waste more time on Gilbert, and reach the fucking car in time, because he didn’t have a hoodie to protect his fabulous hair.
But neither Gilbert moved for real, nor he. And the more time they spent staring at each other, the faster rain drops began to fall with more strength in each one. The heavens were falling down in the glimpse of a second, and Feliks instinctively grabbed Gilbert’s hand and grunted him an instruction to follow him more compliantly. Their steps slowly turned faster with the rain, until they were practically running towards Feliks’ old Fiat. Well, his parents’, but whatever. He borrowed the keys for an indefinite amount of time.
Luckily, he didn’t bring a bag with himself so his keys were only hidden in his pants not the endless black hole his bag usually was, so finding them weren’t that big of a deal. He opened the doors fast, and sat into the driver’s seat, while Gilbert hurried to the other side and repeated his motions.
It was weird how normal it seemed as they were loudly panting in the closed car, finally relaxing after the adrenaline rush. The both of them were drenched and tired, even if it was a short distance, and the weather didn’t seem to be improving at all. On the contrary, Feliks swore that ice was falling with water from the sky, cause it was around 0 degrees.
He reflexively started the car to start up the heating, but remembered that Gilbert was next to him, and he took of his left leg of the clutch.
“Guess you can’t take me to a date then.” jeered Feliks when he finally stabilized his breathing.
“Then you take us. I’m hungry anyway.” the blonde had to roll his eye at that.
“But I’m not, and gasoline isn’t free.”
“Oh shut it. If you didn’t want to do something me, you wouldn’t have told to come with you.”
“I just didn’t want you to get too drenched. Consider this the payment for your sandwich.”
“I’d be more happy for a genuine sandwich.” Feliks rubbed his forehead and sighed at that. God, this man was insufferable.
“There’s some soda on the backseat. That’s all I have.”
“At least take me to a Żabka.”
“Fucking hell no.”
“Pretty please.”
“You won’t stop bothering me, will you?”
“Nah.”
So, Feliks started the car at that, looking defeated and tired. This was going to be a long ride.
“I didn’t imagine you could drive.” muttered Gilbert a bit surprised as he finally took his time and looked around.
“You’re so flattering.” Feliks’ voice was sharp and sarcastic, hating to be forced to deal with that stupid classmate of his. He felt Gilbert’s gaze on his face, as he leaned back into the cold and uncomfortable car seat with an audible huff. It was hard to concentrate on the road this way, but he rather didn’t acknowledge it happening at all. To not repeat that incident in the dressing room and whatever.
“You don’t even look confident enough to make a presentation. It’s quite fair I think this way.” his voice was weirdly sincere as if his intention wasn’t to make a jab, but to state an actual observation. It had no ill intention, and this made Feliks’ brain jumbled like pieces of puzzle in their box.
“I am though. Well, I’m not that great at driving that I passed on my first try, but whatever. It’s okay. If it was on me, we’d be still riding horses, that’s my thing.”
“That’s like the most rich kid thing to say.” laughed Gilbert a bit at that. Feliks’ mouth also turned upwards by a few millimetres.
“Exactly because of which I don’t ride anymore. I only did when I was young, you know, I have scoliosis and it was good for my back. I guess I turned to like it more than I originally planned to.”
“Horse riding for scoliosis? What on earth? Why not swimming?”
“Well, I didn’t want to wash my hair every other day because of the chlorine. It would be like all greasy and ugly if I did that.”
“So, the scoliosis stayed but at least you have pretty hair?”
“Exactly.” now, Feliks realised how dorky that sounded but whatever. He was proud of his looks, and he was also very vocal about that.
“Jeez, that’s like, sweet.” the blonde would have given everything for a red light to come, to get a glimpse of the expression Gilbert was wearing, because hell, he said that way too seriously. He didn’t want to feel like the loser girl from teen romance book swayed by his bully, but he couldn’t help himself blushing a bit. It didn’t change the fact that he still hated Gilbert. They were just having a civil conversation for once in a while, and Feliks wasn’t used to taking compliments. He might have told Natalka that he had a crush on someone, but that was just to calm her down.
He was so stupid, that it physically hurt him.
“Can you hold the wheels for a bit?”
“What- No, absolutely not, I can’t even drive. What do you want?”
“It’s like, not a complicated thing. And we have to go forwards for a while. Just say if like, you see lights or whatevs.”
“Fuck no. Say what you want and end of the story. You might be suicidal, but I’m not.” though, his voice turned a slight bit insecure. It piqued his interest.
“Eh? If you think I’m not the type to drive, then shouldn’t you be that? This isn’t rocket science.”
“My Lord, Feliks just say what you want!” he was audibly annoyed, so Feliks gave in. But it still bugged him why Gilbert didn’t just simply did as he told. It wasn’t even that he argued just for the sake of it, but the green eyed would have been happier if he was given an actual sound reason.
“Okay, so like take out my cigs from my back trouser pockets. The lighter is eh, in my jacket’s right pocket, I think? If not, then there is one in glove compartment. Light me one.”
“Are you like actually crazy? Like hell no, I won’t help you.”
“Now, don’t be a dick, or I’ll just let the wheels go and I won’t care whether you’ll hold it straight or not.” Gilbert tsked at that, and Feliks just grinned smugly knowing that he managed to blackmail him into helping.
“You can’t even go ten minutes without smoking that shit? I don’t even get how you can bear the stink. I won’t even go about how irresponsible it is to drive when—”
“Are you my mother or what?” cut Feliks in annoyedly, even more than Gilbert was. He hated when people tried talking to him as if he was a child. He perfectly well knew what he was doing, and that it was bad for his health and blahblah but he was of legal age and he could decide alone what he wanted.
“No, I’m just being reasonable. And if I touch your pack, I’m throwing it out of the window, first thing.”
“Guess there isn’t any other way.” he said jeeringly, and performatively let go of the wheel, at which Gilbert actually started to panic, which was really funny to see.
“No-no! Okay fine, just hold the fucking wheels!” it was very much amusing to Feliks. It was as if Gilbert never sat in a car before with how much panicked he was, when it wasn’t that big of a deal to not hold the steering wheel. He technically could reach for his cigs with only one hand, but if Gilbert would have helped it would have been a lot easier, and safer considering that the roads were a bit slippery from the rain.
But Gilbert genuinely looked and sounded afraid. Well, a lot of stuff could have been behind that, but right now, Feliks was happy that he knew that weak spot. One more thing to get out of this ride, and if he was skilled enough, he could maybe even get the root cause of it. Maybe it wasn’t even that deep, just being a bit too tight about rules.
But, Feliks complied with his pleas, and finally he could feel Gilbert starting to do his part of the deal. Feliks didn’t even want to smoke anymore, it was just way too amusing to have that power over him, to make him do what he wanted.
For a while though, the albino was still just staring at the pack in his hand. Like it was carrying some contagious disease or something, which was true in a way, but still slightly a bit too overdramatic.
Feliks rolled his eyes at the silence but didn’t nag him any further. As it seemed, the other man was a lot weaker than him in psyche, and it was enough for him today. Though, now all things combined, bad memories seemed to be more plausible than just being too stuck up. A part of him was satisfied though, that he could make him feel bad. It caused him such a primal enjoyment, which was hard to compare to anything. Again, he wished he could saw more of Gilbert’s solemn face staring at the crumpled package, and the feeling was way stronger than before.
Despite everything, he was glad that the way was soon over. It was only just now that he noticed that the radio was turned off, and the air turned a bit awkward. Or maybe awkward wasn’t the best word, but rather tense. Not like back in the dressing room, but like it was on the playground when they were fighting. It’s just that, he finally got the right end of the stick.
“We’re here.” as he said that it was as if Gilbert snapped out of a trance, and he abruptly opened that bloody pack already.
Feliks had to smirk at his face going paler than usually, no matter if he was already as white as chalk. He slowly turned his head to Feliks, who radiated self-righteousness mixed with amusement from himself.
“You knew this was empty.” it was more like a statement than a question.
“Eh? What are you saying?” but he could barely keep himself from laughing.
“I hate you. I genuinely, from the whole of my heart despise you.”
“Hm, you know if you want to make a villain out of me that much, at least I thought I’d give you some actual reason to.”
Gilbert’s face was flushed red from embarrassment. He looked at Feliks as if he was betrayed, and Feliks really didn’t get why the whole drama. This was just a little game, nothing else. And he did a lot worse to him usually.
“Want a ride home, sweetie?” If Feliks had been more empathetic, he may have even pitied him with how disappointed he looked.
“Fuck you.” with that, he was gone in an eye blink, slamming the door in with full force.
*
You can’t believe how pissed off I am
What happened sweetie?
There is this boy in my class, and like ik that we aren’t on the best terms but he made me so mad today
He like knows that I barely can fucking see and was still fucking with me about it
And on top of that he did other triggering stuff too when I wanted to be kind for once
What do you mean by that? Like you need glasses but don’t have?
Nah glasses don’t help. It’s like a genetical thing and can’t be corrected
Like he’s just a stupid spoiled rich kid who only cares about himself
I’m sorry to hear that:/// it really sucks, I get it.
And I can’t even believe that someone would do that to you if you are disabled like that’s just cruel
Sending you hugs<33
Thanks man, you are really cute<33
Yk, I can’t really talk about stuff like that with my classmates
And I’m sorry to be dumping all that on you
Haha no problem, really. Coincidentally, I also have similar problems (but like less serious. It’s just mildly annoying)
Like there is this guy who is the desk mate of mine in a few classes and he always makes a fuss about me stimming
It’s fucking annoying
I can’t control it but he won’t understand that
And well, he occasionally beats me but yeah
But like I learnt my lesson that I can’t let myself to be fucked over again
On the hard way
It’s like life hates us lol
It’s almost funny, even if there’s nothing to be laughing about
No, I get you. Sometimes I’m so sad that I just laugh about it
It’s liberating I think?
At least literature kids would say that I guess lmao
As a certified literature kid yeah lol
Yk things would be so much better if we could be there for each other irl
Sorry to be sappy
I never really had genuine friends who didn’t want to fuck me over
I don’t wanna sound creepy .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.
It’s fine lol
But I get you
I have like a few people I consider my friends
But we never talk about shit like this
Idk I can’t really say these things out loud
Yeeaah that’s why no one knows I’m gay too
I mean it’s much easier to say it out like this when I don’t actually have to face the person I’m talking too
Ah, my first and only relationship was online
it’s rather pathetic thinking about it
No it’s not
Like I don’t even think I know anyone gay
Ehm maybe the one I was talking about
Like there was something weird that happened between us
But I still don’t know what to make of it
Hard stuff lol
It’d be much easier if we never would have to return to the real world
Like I get you, that like I want to talk to you constantly
But I feel as if we’d known each other irl I’d be a bad influence on you
Wdym?
Like you are so perfect in everything and I’m failing school
I don’t do anything just write fanfics, occasionally play a game and sleep
And do some drugs lmao
I wish I could take things that easy tbh
My life’s way shittier than people would imagine
But like I totally get it
I mean besides everything I do, I have to work to have money for all my extracurriculars
Music school is ok cuz it isn’t entirely legal or what and it’s quite cheap but my football practise isn’t
Not to mention getting mental breakdowns if I don’t get a 5 lmao
Like ik it doesn't sound that bad
But I feel like I can’t take it anymore way too many times
Sorry I’m complaining again
I don’t mind it
Rather sorry I’m not empathetic enough
It’s just hard for me to imagine what it’s like to be you I guess
But like it isn’t good what I do either
At least, you can become something
I won’t
I’m literally doing nothing but wasting my life away
Shit I don’t want to make this out as a “who has it worse” cuz that’s fucked up
Still, I’d like to think that at least you have it a bit better than me, because I don’t want you to feel this shitty. I wouldn’t wish this for anyone else
Yk, if we continue like this we might end up considering double suicide
lmao
that’d be the fucked up stuff
can’t even believe you￣へ￣
But yeah lol
I don’t want you dying so let’s talk about cute stuff now
would you send a pic of your doggie?
he’s such a fluffball I love him to death
ofc haha
at this point I’m almost jealous at him
If the feeling wasn’t mutual I’d be
don’t be lol
I love you the best <33
*
"So, Tolys. I think there is a guy I like."
"What did I--"
"Not you kurwa. It's some online dude again."
"Very kind that I was just some online guy to you." Both of them laughed at that, although Feliks with a slight bitter taste.
They were playing CoD together this time, finally talking again. And consistently. In the last few weeks Feliks had been in an inescapable low, and didn't have energy to talk, but now he somehow got it right back. Luckily for them, it was already Saturday, so none of them had to hurry to bed. And they could play again like it was summer break.
Feliks' hair was tied back loosely and he was dressed into comfy sweats. It was fast around midnight, though he was too occupied to take a shower, and it wasn't that big of a deal to skip it. Showering was optional to him on weekends like eating, since he had no one to be dressed up for. He didn't have to pretend in his room at least.
The room was slightly cold, so he had a blanket in his lap. His parents still hadn't really started heating, even if Feliks was very much sensitive to the cold. Though right now, he had more important things to worry about, namely Tolys.
He was more than excited when the brunette texted him that he wanted to talk. Because well, he might have had a crush on G, but it didn't change the fact the first one was always Tolys for him in spite of everything. Even if it wasn't love, he still was very much obsessed with him, and he was convinced it was impossible to let that go. Because he was the first one that gave him the attention he desperately sought after.
"Anyways, he's kinda cute. We kinda talk as if we were already a couple yk, those stereotypical American ones. But like, he doesn't have Discord, and I don't know what he looks like either."
"Feliks, don't you like, think it's a bit fast? Or I don't know, you should be more careful with who you talk to, and I say this with no ill intent. I want you to be happy, man."
"Nah I get it." the blonde said it a bit absently, right as he shot an enemy "I'm not hurrying it. Just, I guess I'm glad someone to talk to."
He heard Tolys taking a sharp breath, even if he didn't meant to attack him.
"You know, there was something that happened. It's kinda hard to wrap my head around it." Feliks changed the topic abruptly, sensing the discomfort falling over them. "So, remember that guy I told you about in my class? The one who I'm fighting with regularly."
"What? Is he giving you too much of a hard time?"
"No? Well, that wasn't my point. I took him to a Żabka with my car when it started raining. He was like, afraid. Actually afraid and tense the whole time. So, I asked him to hold the wheels for a sec, and he turned even more frightened. As if he just saw a totally scary film. Then I thought it was funny and I threatened to let the wheels go if he doesn't help me get my cigs. Cause like, he hates smoking or whatever."
"You are a dick that's obvious, and?" Feliks had to scoff at that.
"As if you're any better. That's the story. I don't get why he was that afraid. Like Irynka doesn't piss her pants if I ask that, and neither Natalka. Neither if I let go of the wheels. But he was like panicked, and I don't say that lightly. I just don't get it."
"Mayhaps some of his relatives died in a car crash. Non-smokers usually can't stand smokers. You are an inexperienced driver and you act equally as irresponsibly. The solution is quite simple."
"But that's lame." All excitement from his voice disappeared as he was staring at the quote appearing on the screen as he died.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. – Gandhi
What a fucking piece of crap.
"Not everything in this world is your fanfic."
"Was I really that big of a dick? I mean, he deserved a little scare after everything. It wasn't even like, that serious that he usually does to me. It's a little nothing compared to beating the shit out of me."
"Listen Feliks, I noticed something. Depending if you want to seem an equal, or a victim, you use different words for your fights. It's you two fighting when the former is true, and "he beating you" when the latter. Which is the truth?"
Feliks dropped the controller out of his hand, which landed in his lap with a soft thud. He hadn't noticed that before, huh.
"To get it straight; I don't really care. You are my friend, and things will stay that way. I'm just curious. It’s not me who you have to be honest with anyway.”
What was the truer thing? He instinctively glanced at his arms, even though he was wearing a hoodie. He felt exactly what hid behind it though, and that it was the exact same on the rest of his body. Everywhere and anywhere, he was fully littered with deep purple and greenish spots, like they were just distorted and huge moles. He knew that he could never leave a single mark on Gilbert. Except that time maybe when he managed to bash his head into the edge of the slide. But that was once, purely out of luck.
“I guess I can deal with him. He’s stronger than me, but I managed to overpower him sometimes.”
Eh, he really should stop playing the victim every time. He was a big boy now, wasn’t he? Feliks could well enough protect himself, and he didn’t need anyone’s pity either. And certainly no more useless complaining like that. He fucked up the very second he started talking about this topic.
“If you really think so, then that answers your question. If he was really that bothered, that was some trauma related thing. You wouldn’t want others to put you in the same situation as you were in your old school, would you?”
Feliks wanted to bash his fucking laptop in, go to fucking Vilnius and choke Tolys to death, revive him, then kill him again.
The first moment, he wanted to blame him for being even born, and the next, he sounded more uncertain than when Feliks was trying to figure out the answers to a history test. Couldn’t he just decide already? If Tolys hated him that much, he should just outright say it than making up all these stupid mind games.
It wasn’t his fucking fault that Gilbert overreacted that much, because he completely fucking deserved it. It wasn’t his fault. It just wasn’t his fault, unlike what every fucking one was saying.
Feliks gripped into his hair hardly, tearing and pulling it with full force to make him stay grounded in reality as much as he could. He started franticly rocking back and forth, hoping that it would help calming him down like it usually did, but it was to no avail.
“Feliks? Hey, Feliks, are you still there?”
“Just…my stomach hurts. I forgot to eat today.” he gritted out those words through his teeth hurtfully, trying to remain calm although his eyes already watered up.
“Don’t start that again, okay? If you need help, talk to me. I wish I could do more but-“ Yes, because you’re really that fucking helpful.
“It’s fine. I just go and eat something. Let’s talk again tomorrow. Bye-bye.”
“Bye, but take care of yourself, and I’m serious.”
Feliks couldn’t wait any longer and ended the call, as he felt his tears spilling from his eyes. He never was such a cry baby before. This wasn’t fair. Why didn’t others get to feel as bad as him?
Like, when will Tolys get what he deserved? It just wasn’t fair that it was always him making Feliks feel bad, and not the other way around. He wanted him to suffer, just like he made Gilbert too, or even worse. He didn't get why his goddamn stupid brain still felt too attached to him to truly hate him, but that didn't mean that Feliks was okay with him being a dick. This was all Tolys' fault that he was feeling himself shitty yet again, and he felt even worse knowing that this could have been avoided by shutting his mouth.
In a desperate attempt at calming himself, he reached for his phone and opened his messages with G. His fingers hovered over the bloody screen almost petrified, because he perfectly well knew how he shouldn't complain anymore. And he shouldn't in any case make G hate him too if he knew how shitty of a person he was. Like, initially he didn't feel himself bad at all, but now he was starting to question if he should off himself simply if Tolys hated him that much. Not loving is fine, but outright being disgusted - like he was, no matter what he was blabbing about - is just something Feliks couldn't stand.
And he liked G. He didn't want to lose him either. So, he closed the app and threw the phone away from him. He quickly considered his options and figured he really could use a damned cigarette already if he wanted to make himself a bit more presentable. Or at least calm down enough to stop crying and be able to go to sleep.
Feliks went to his pants he wore that day, and started searching around his pockets, but to his misfortune, they were empty. And so were his bags and other cloths. Huh, he couldn't remember the last time he had nothing on him. Not even a single cig. Even the pack was with Gilbert - to be more precise probably slumping in a rubbish can. The only reminder of his habits were his horrid stench and the lighters lying around his table.
Was he really that smelly? He liked to believe he wasn't. But he couldn't tell of course, cause he couldn't smell himself objectively.
Feliks desperately tried to come up with some other stupid shit to think about, but he was out of ideas, left alone with his regret and sorrow. It was just he and himself and Lord did he feel himself so lonely. He just wanted a hug from someone, no matter how short. Just a bit of comfort.
Just someone telling it was not his fault.