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Buck’s been back at the station for six weeks. Six weeks of glares. Six weeks of shoulder checks. Six weeks of piled on chores. Six weeks of being the man behind. Six weeks of silence. Six weeks of sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Six weeks of being reminded why he’s someone no one sticks around. Six weeks of being reminded that he’ll never be enough. Eddie was right, he was exhausting and he needed to suck it up.
So Buck accepted the glares, he accepted the silence, he accepted the shoulder checks and the disdain. Because he knew he deserved it. He didn’t argue when he was made the man behind or when he was given more chores than he could finish in a shift. He ate alone so that he didn’t bother anyone. He arrived early so that he’s already out of the way when others filtered in. He keeps his head down. He speaks only when spoken to, never seeking out conversation.
He’d tried to apologize the first day he was back, but it was immediately made clear that his attempts weren’t wanted. That he wasn’t wanted. So he gave up. He let the growing distance prove everything he’d ever been told, everything he’d ever believed. That he wasn’t worth it. That he wasn’t wanted. That he was a waste of time, of space, of energy. Buck was beginning to believe that he should move on, give up being a firefighter and return to life on the road. Return to being alone. He’d tried to fight for his family, only to be shown that they never wanted him, so why was he sticking around anymore?
So during week seven, Buck began to pack. First, he boxed up the photos and the gifts, carefully packing it so that nothing accidentally broke. He added a letter with one final apology, including that he wouldn’t be a bother to anyone anymore, and that he loved them all but knew it wasn’t a returned sentiment. He wrote that they could do as they pleased with the photos and gifts since he knew he didn’t deserve them. He also put all of the kids drawings and cards into a folder and added it to the box before taping it shut and labelling it for the team. Then he placed his uniforms into another box, he made sure to leave it open so that he could pack the uniforms he’d be taking for his last shift. Next, he pulled out a couple of duffel bags and began to pack his clothes into them. When his bags were fully packed, he boxed up what was left so they could be donated, then did the same with his shoes. He owned the loft, so he figured he could rent it out as a fully furnished space or list it on AirBnB while he was on the road, so he elected to leave the books, board games, and consoles for his future renter to utilize.
After running to the store to get another small duffel for some personal items, he pulled the small safe out from under the bed that held his documents and put everything by the front door. He would also be packing his toiletries into the bag, but he’d do that on the day he left. He labelled the donation boxes and put them by the counter, put the box for the team on the dining table along with the letter of resignation he’d typed up and dated for the day after his next shift. Taking a look around, he finally let himself grieve the life he was about to leave behind. Before going to bed, he wrote a note for Maddie letting her know he wouldn’t be sending postcards this time, then he wrote one for Eddie practically begging him to let Chris know that he’d always love him and that he wasn’t leaving because of him.
The next day was the final shift Buck would be working with his team. He let himself linger in the shadows to watch everyone laugh and smile, he also let himself listen to news about everyone's lives and family. He especially savored everything he overheard about Eddie and Christopher’s lives. He made sure to walk every inch of the firehouse, reminiscing on every memory as he went. While everyone was out on a call, he packed his toiletries and spare change of clothes into his work bag, not bothering to take anything else. He didn’t deserve the photos or momentos.
When the team returned from their latest call, Bobby found him in the laundry room, folding towels.
“Buckley.” Buck paused his fold as he turned to face his captain, keeping his head down.
“Yes, Captain Nash?” Buck kept his voice even and low, not daring to look up or speak louder than necessary.
“Martinez got a concussion on the last call and will be out for a few days. Since there’s only a few hours left on shift, you’ll be filling in.” It took a moment for his words to sink in, but when they did Buck couldn’t help the faint flicker of excitement. At least I’ll have the memory of one last call to carry with me.
“Understood, Captain Nash.” Buck made sure to answer in the same tone as before, eyes remaining trained on the floor. There was a beat of silence before Bobby sighed and finally left Buck alone to finish folding the towels. He got through two more folds before the alarm went off. Reminding himself that he was supposed to be gearing up for this call, he rushed into action. He was in his turnouts and seated in the solo seat in record time, but he made sure to keep his head down knowing that he wasn’t actually wanted in the engine. As he listened to Bobby relay the details of the call, a two alarm fire at a warehouse that was quickly becoming a three alarm, he felt someone’s knee tap against his. Figuring it was an accident, he tucked himself against the door a bit more and tried to make himself a bit smaller. It was hard to do since he was so tall, but he made it work.
When they arrived on scene, he geared up before heading inside, alone, towards his assigned area. As Buck checked every room and closet he passed, he listened to the team relay information and orders. Bobby had just called for everyone to check in when Buck stepped into an office. He’d walked towards the desk to look under it and was reaching for his radio to answer the check in when he felt the cold press of metal against the back of his neck, causing him to freeze, one hand on the radio with his finger hovering over the button.
“Buckley, check in.” Buck slowly turned around to face the person in the room with him. “Buckley, answer your radio, now.” Buck stared into the pain-filled eyes of the man in front of him, rage clear on the man’s face. “Buckley, I swear to G-” Buck clicked the radio, turning it off before he raised both hands up in submission.
“S-sir, you don’t have to do this, y-you can put down the gun and we can walk out of here together o-or you can walk away and I’ll pretend I never s-saw you.” Buck was trying to keep his voice calm, but the stuttering betrayed his growing fear.
“Shut up!” The man looked wild as he jerked the gun at Buck. “Take off your mask and helmet!” Buck’s fingers shook as he took off the mentioned gear, sparing a moment to be thankful that the fire wasn’t very active in this part of the warehouse yet. “Of course, you people only care when your lives are on the line. None of you care when it’s one of us! None of you cared when it was my son!” The man began to pace. “He was only six! He was just a little kid! He had his whole life ahead of him, but none of you would go back inside for him! I was told that the ‘structure was too unstable’! I begged, I pleaded, I even tried to run back in myself, but it was too late! My son died because you people only care about yourselves!” Buck wasn’t sure what to say, or if he should even speak up, so he stayed silent and let the man yell. “Your job is to save people, so why the hell didn’t you save him? Huh?” He suddenly stepped closer to Buck. “Fucking answer me!”
“I don’t know why they didn’t save your son. I wasn’t there.” Buck couldn’t help the streak of defiance that rose up, causing him to glower at the man, heedless of the gun in his face. The man grabbed his turnouts, almost snarling as he yanked Buck closer, but then he just…stopped. His gaze searched Buck’s for a moment before he stepped back with an incredulous laugh.
“Holy shit. You’re just like me.” Buck looked at him in confusion, causing the man to break out into hysterical laughter. “You’re broken.” Ice flooded Buck’s veins at the man’s words. “Tell me, Firefighter Buckley, are you afraid to die?”
“No.” Buck didn’t even hesitate in his answer.
“Holy shit. You aren’t even lying.” Buck watched as the gun was lowered. “What’s your name?”
“You know my name.”
“No, smartass, I know your last name. What’s your first name?”
“Evan.”
“You got a nickname? Something your friends call you?”
“I don’t have any friends.” He couldn’t help the frown that tugged at his lips when he said that. “But people used to call me ‘Buck’”
“Used to? Why’d they stop?” Buck cocked an eyebrow at the man who huffed and rolled his eyes. “Humor me. Neither of us are walking out of here alive, maybe I want to give you a chance to get some shit off your chest before you die.” Buck huffed before he undid the straps of the oxygen tank, shrugging off the weight and rolling out his shoulders before sitting on the corner of the desk. Taking a shaky breath, he dumped everything on the man in front of him. His shitty childhood with parents that became abusive after his sister left, the lonely years on the road, the bombing, the embolism, the tsunami, everything that led to the lawsuit, the last seven weeks since his return, his plan to leave the next day…all of it.
“At least I don’t have a lot of shit for my sister to deal with. They’ll all probably be glad to be rid of me permanently, rather than me haunting their lives by existing out there somewhere, wondering if I’ll blow into town trying to get them to forgive me again.” Buck let out a humorless laugh. “Who knows, maybe I would’ve eventually tried to off myself. Wouldn’t be the first time I’d tried. You’re unintentionally doing everyone a favor.” Buck looked up at the man, seeing the sadness on his face.
“You’ve lost everything, too.” Buck shook his head, standing up from the desk.
“I’d argue that what I lost is nowhere near as great as what you lost. Plus, my loss is my fault. Yours isn’t, although it isn’t the firefighters fault either. If someone had gone in to find your son, there wasn’t a guarantee that he would’ve been found alive, or that they both would’ve made it back out.” The man’s shoulders slumped.
“I hate that you’re right. But I’m just so…angry. I want someone to pay.”
“What’s your name?” The man looked at Buck in surprise. “C’mon. You know my name, if we’re going to die anyway, then it's only fair that I know yours.” The man sighed.
“James. James Slater.”
“What was your son’s name?”
“Why do you care?”
“Because, your son deserves to be remembered fully. He deserves to have his name spoken one last time.”
“Isaac. His name was Isaac.” James’ lips twitched in the ghost of a smile. “He actually loved firefighters, he wanted to be one when he grew up.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry Isaac never got the chance to grow up.” James gave him a sad smile.
“Me too.” After a beat, he took a deep breath before raising the gun again, level with Buck’s heart. “I’m sorry you’re the one who has to die with me.” Buck shrugged.
“Better me than them. I’d say it was the universe speaking when it was me who was sent in.” At James’ confused look, Buck clarified. “They all have families. People who would miss them. The loss they’ll feel for me? No bigger than it would’ve been if I’d managed to leave tomorrow like I’d planned.” Buck took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders as he quickly made peace with his looming death.
“Thank you, Buck.” At his surprised noise, James chuckled. “Just like Isaac’s, I figured your preferred name deserved to be spoken one last time. You don’t really seem like an ‘Evan’ to me.” Buck let out a shaky chuckle.
“Thanks, James.” Buck sent him a small smile before closing his eyes, trying to picture Chris’s face one last time.
“I-I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t kill you.” Three things happened all at once: Buck’s eyes snapped open to look at James in confusion, a loud crash sounded outside of the room, and James pulled the trigger on accident when he was startled by the crash. Buck stumbled back a couple of steps before falling to the ground as James dropped the gun in shock. “No, no, no, no.” Buck heard voices shouting in the distance as James knelt next to Buck, hands coming up to press on his chest, causing Buck to groan in pain. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I-I’d changed my mind, I-I’d decided I was going to let you go! I couldn’t go through with killing you af-after everything you told me.” Buck wheezed as he tried to make his voice work, but all that came out was a wet cough as blood forced its way past his lips. “S-shit. I don’t know how to help you!” The voices were suddenly louder, but Buck was already succumbing to the growing darkness, not even twitching as he felt the pressure disappear from his chest, only to be replaced by something heavier. Ignoring the buzzing of sounds around him, Buck finally let himself slip away.
***
Buck woke up, back in the hospital, alone. The doctor had come in and explained that the bullet had missed his heart by less than an inch, that he’d been there for a week, that he had a long recovery ahead of him. The usual hospital talk. Buck was…disappointed. Part of him was relieved to still be alive, but a bigger part of him had hoped to finally be done with everything.
He listened intently as the doctor went over the projected recovery timeline, the physical therapy plan, all of it. He asked when he’d be cleared for road travel, ignoring the doctor’s confused look as she explained he’d be able to start driving within the next month or so, with full mobility returned within the next three months. She then bulldozed through a recovery timeline for firefighting, explaining that he could be back at work within four months, but Buck didn’t engage with that part of the conversation. He’d probably been let go, or he would be once he was medically released.
After the doctor left, Buck settled back in with a low sigh, bitterness gripping him the longer he lay awake. Of course he’d woken up alone, no one cared about him. He was a liability. He was exhausting. He was a waste of space. A blight on their lives. Clenching his hands into fists, he took a steadying breath. He’d get through their projected recovery plan, get through the first part of recovery until he could drive, attend enough physical therapy to learn what he needed to do, then he’d handle the rest while he was on the road. No point in sticking around longer than absolutely necessary.
He’d just managed to doze off when the door slammed open, startling him. He stared, wide-eyed, as the 118 and Maddie burst into the room. They all made sounds of relief, voicing their joy at seeing him finally awake, but he flinched away when they reached for him.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” He didn’t even try to keep the anger out of his voice.
“Wh-what are you talking about? Of course we’d be here! You got shot!” Buck frowned at Maddie.
“Yeah, a week ago, according to the doctor. I’m awake now, no need to keep pretending to give a shit. You can go.”
“Buck-” He cut Bobby off.
“Captain Nash, I recognize that you feel obligated to be here as my captain, or former captain, but I am releasing you from the obligation. You no longer need to pretend to care. None of you do. I’ve already cleared my personal items out of the locker, I’ll come get my jeep from the station when I’m cleared to drive.” He frowned at the obvious distress on everyone’s faces. “Seriously, what the fuck are you guys still doing here? I’ve released you from whatever obligation you’re feeling, so you can leave now.”
“We don’t feel obligated to be here. We want to be here.” Buck snorted at Chimney’s words.
“Bullshit,” He ignored the sounds of protest, “You’ve all made it perfectly clear that I don’t mean shit to you.” He fixed them all with a glare, then focused his next words towards Eddie. “Just one more thing I need to suck it up about, right? So that I’m not exhausting?” He watched Eddie flinch, as if he’d been physically struck, but he looked away from the man to focus back on the group at large. “I’m tired. Please leave.” He saw the argument beginning to form, and simply glared at them until they deflated. He watched as they turned, dejected, and began filtering out. He was beginning to relax back against the pillows when Eddie paused by the door.
“I’ll have Carla or Tia Pepa come by with Chris, he’s been wanting to see you.” Buck closed his eyes as a fresh wave of pain washed over him.
“Don’t bother.” He didn’t open his eyes, even as he heard the sound of shock from Eddie. “It’d only be temporary, anyway. Wouldn’t want to confuse him.” He didn’t give Eddie a chance to respond, just shifted on the bed until he was comfortable, then pressed the button for his low dose of pain meds to be administered. He heard a defeated sigh, then the sound of the door shutting, before he finally let himself relax enough to fall into a restless sleep.
He came to slowly, a feeling of comfort and contentment washing over him. At first, he wasn’t sure if he was truly awake, the feeling of someone running their fingers through his short hair had become so foreign to him, but as awareness seeped back in, his confusion grew. His eyes fluttered open and he turned his head to find a concerned Athena hovering over him.
“‘Thena?” He mumbled, clearing his throat as he reached up with his good arm to rub his eyes.
“Hey, Buckaroo.” She smiled down at him.
“What are you doing here?” He squinted at her, none of the anger from before present. She hadn't been around, but he knew she still cared. He'd asked her to keep her distance so as not to make things weird with Bobby, unlike with Maddie who'd chosen to side against Buck.
“Well, I was one of the officers present on scene when you were taken hostage. I heard everything between you and James, who was very happy to hear you'd make it, by the way. You’ve got to be the only person I know who can make an arsonist and almost-firefighter killer regret his life choices.” She grinned wryly at him before frowning. “Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye?”
“Heard everything? What do you mean?” He was suddenly wide awake.
“Baby, your radio was on open broadcast.” Panic seized him. “We all heard everything. Several officers had to help me hold back Bobby and the others, especially Eddie. I had to talk my captain out of arresting him for punching three separate officers while trying to get to you.”
“N-no. Th-that…what? No? They…why would they respond like that? None of them care.” Athena grabbed his hand.
“They care more than you think, they're just really bad at showing it.” Buck shook his head in disbelief. “Have I ever lied to you?” He ducked his head, sheepish. “Then why would I start now?” She sighed. “As it is, they've all been suspended. Bobby is supposed to go in front of a review board next week to see if they'll be keeping him as captain or pushing for him to retire or simply firing him. Hen and Chimney are suspended for another week. Eddie is suspended for a month, but that's mostly because of how he handled things at the scene, an additional two weeks were tacked on for his conduct towards you. They all know the truth about the lawsuit now, with Bobby being the one to hold you back.”
“They…didn't know?”
“No, baby, they didn't. It doesn't make how they acted right, seeing as how none of them bothered to get your side of things, but it does open the door for a conversation, if you so chose. Unless, of course, you're still leaving.” Buck looked away.
“That was the plan.” He mumbled, then sighed. “I don't know what to do, Athena. I'm just so…angry? Angry doesn't even feel like the right word. None of them bothered to get my side, they treated me like shit for weeks! And now you're saying that Eddie fought three cops trying to get to me and you had to hold the others back? Am I just supposed to forgive them? Forget what they did to me? Forget everything they've said?”
“Absolutely not. You don't have to forgive anyone or forget anything. Make them grovel, make them earn it. But at the end of the day? It's up to you. If you want to forgive them, then do so. If you don't, then don't.” She shrugged. “I've been making Bobby sleep in the guest room since I found out the truth of how you've been treated at the station.” Buck chuckled a little at that. “My point is, you’ve got three months of physical healing before you have to make a decision. Take the time to hear them out. If they prove they’re worth forgiving, then stay. If they’re not, then transfer stations or stick with the original plan of leaving, though maybe say goodbye to me before you do this time.” She fixed him with a stern look as he ducked his head sheepishly.
“I’m sorry. I just…I just didn’t want to make things awkward between you and Bobby and I thought that it was best if I just…made a clean exit.”
“And Chris?” Buck looked away.
“I haven’t seen him since just after the tsunami.” He shrugged. “It’s better for him if I stay out of his life. Less confusing when Eddie inevitably decides he doesn’t actually want me around.” Athena sighed, not saying anything as she reached up to comb her fingers through his hair. He let his eyes flutter shut under her gentle ministrations.
“Rest, baby, you won’t be alone when you wake up again.” He drifted off, feeling content.
***
Buck was finally released a week later. Athena was the one to take him to his loft, glowering at the boxes as they walked through the door.
“Don’t think we won’t be talking about that at some point. You even put my gifts in there.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I just didn’t feel like I should have any of it.” She pursed her lips as she helped him get settled on the couch.
“I’ve got to get to my shift, but call me or anyone else if you need anything.”
“I will. Carla also reached out to let me know she was available to help me if I needed it. I told her I’d just need help with the bandages, but I can shower one-handed.” Athena nodded.
“Bobby cooked a bunch of stuff for you, I put it away in the fridge and freezer yesterday. All of the containers have cooking instructions as well.” Buck frowned, but nodded.
“Have they made a decision? It’s been a few days since the review board.”
“No word yet, it sounds like they’re pretty divided on what to do. Bobby says he’ll accept whatever their verdict is.”
“He’d really not fight for his job?”
“He knows he messed up. He feels that if they force him into early retirement or fire him, it would be what he deserves.” Buck nodded slowly. “He also thinks that suspending him isn’t punishment enough.” He hummed, still frowning. “Do you need help with anything before I go?”
“No, thanks ‘Thena.” He grinned lazily at her as he leaned over to kiss his temple.
“Don’t do anything too crazy. I’ll try to come by later, otherwise just text or call if you need me.” With that, she left. Buck let the smile slide off his face as he slumped further into the couch. With a tired sigh, he got up to dig his phone out of the hospital bag, quietly cursing the sling as he struggled to open the bag.
Phone in hand, he finally elected to read the texts from everyone that he’d been ignoring. An hour later, he was conflicted. The last seven weeks, it’s been nothing but cold shoulders and scathing words. Now, it’s apologies and pleas. He locked his phone screen and tapped his phone against his lips as he got lost in thought, jolting slightly as a knock sounded at his door. Frowning, he checked his phone. Not seeing anything from Athena or Carla, he cautiously approached the door and checked the peephole.
“Go away, Eddie.” He scowled as Eddie winced.
“Buck, please, just give me twenty minutes, then I’ll leave you alone until you’re ready to talk again.” Buck sighed, leaning his head against the door for a moment before groaning and stepping back to open it.
“You get ten minutes.” He stepped aside as Eddie stared, eyes wide, before rushing in.
“Right, I had a whole speech planned out, but I don’t think it’s right anymore.” Buck leaned back against the kitchen island, raising an eyebrow as Eddie paced in front of him. Suddenly, he stopped pacing and faced Buck. “I’m so sorry, Buck. I’ve been a shitty friend to you, despite you always being there for me. I should’ve gotten your side of things instead of blindly believing Bobby, especially since I know you’d never do anything to risk your career as a firefighter. I’ve been shitty to you these last few weeks, and you didn’t deserve that. You and Chris didn’t deserve me separating you, even before the lawsuit. And I know you think it’s because I was mad about the tsunami, despite what I said to you, but I wasn’t. I swear I wasn’t. I just…there was so much pressure put on me by my parents. They kept saying that Chris would be better off there with them rather than here with me, and I felt like I had to prove that I had everything handled on my own, even though everything was so much easier with you around. That day in the grocery store, I didn’t mean to call you exhausting, because you’re not. I was exhausted trying to do everything without you. Then with the lawsuit, it felt like you were just abandoning me. I felt like I no longer had you in my corner, despite the fact that I had abandoned you first.”
“Why?” At Eddie’s confused look, Buck elaborated. “Why didn’t you just talk to me? About your parents, about the lawsuit, the nightmares…any of it.” Eddie deflated.
“I was raised with the mentality that you’re weak if you have to ask for help. That men needed to suck it up and bear it. You’ve never had that problem, in the entire time I’ve known you. And I thought that I was getting better, learning from you and from Bobby that it was ok to ask for help. That it was ok to need help. But after the tsunami and losing Shannon? I just couldn’t drown him out. Talking to you, even just to say what I felt like I needed to do, it felt like that would be a request for help on its own. So I just stayed silent. Then you filed the lawsuit and Bobby lied to us…I messed up, Buck. I turned my back on our friendship because I was scared. Scared for you, scared of you, scared of proving my parents right and failing…” He trailed off, but Buck was caught on a particular phrasing.
“Scared of me?” He watched Eddie freeze, panic flitting across his face before determination took over.
“Yes, scared of you.”
“Why? What is so terrifying about me?”
“Everything.” Eddie stepped closer. “You make me feel like I’m on solid ground.” Another step. “You make me feel seen.” Another step, causing Buck to straighten up. “You make me feel things I thought I’d buried as a teenager, before getting with Shannon.” One last step, and suddenly they were barely a breath apart. “I know there’s a lot we need to sort out. I know I need to earn your forgiveness and your trust. I know you have no reason to think I’m telling you the truth after everything, but I swear to you, I will never turn my back on you again, Buck. If you’ll let me, I’ll have your back for as long as you let me.”
“Why should I let you back in?” Without meaning to, Buck’s free hand found itself gripping the hem of Eddie’s shirt as the man tentatively rested his own hands on Buck’s hips.
“You shouldn’t.” Buck made a noise of surprise. “I haven’t earned it yet. But if you let me…” He trailed off as Buck let his forehead tip forward to rest against his.
“I don’t forgive you…yet. You’ve got your work cut out for you to earn it back, and only three months to convince me. Athena doesn’t know it yet, but I plan on reaching out to the chief to talk to the review board about Bobby. I’m not protecting him, Eddie. I’m not trying to influence their decision, but I’m also not sure he should remain as captain, not after the blatant abuse of power.” Eddie sucked in a breath before nodding in understanding.
“I’ll back you, and I won’t say anything to anyone else.”
“This can’t happen yet. We need to sort everything out, and you need to go to therapy. You haven’t dealt with Shannon’s death or anything else you've been through.”
“Anything. I’ll do it, I promise. I’ll get better for you.” Buck shook his head, pulling back until he could look Eddie in the eyes.
“No, not for me. For you. You need to get better for yourself.” Eddie frowned, but ultimately agreed. Before either of them could speak, someone was pounding on his door, causing them both to startle. Moving towards the door, Buck groaned. “Go away, Maddie!” He felt Eddie approaching his back before a comforting hand landed on his shoulder.
“No, Evan! We need to talk about this. You’ve been ignoring me and everyone else, it’s childish.” Buck thumped his head against the door.
“Maddie, leave or I’ll call to have you trespassed. Everyone else is giving me space, you need to respect that boundary as well.”
“But I’m your sister!” Buck felt anger surge in him at her words.
“You weren’t my sister when you tried to talk me out of returning to firefighting. You weren’t my sister when you chose you refused to listen to me at the hospital when I said I wasn’t overdoing things. You weren’t my sister when you sided with Bobby during the lawsuit. If you were my sister, you would’ve heard me out, you would’ve stayed neutral. You didn’t have to side with me or tell me I was right, but in siding with my boss and your boyfriend, you cut me out completely. Being your brother wasn’t enough. I need some time for that.” He watched through the peephole as Maddie began to cry before storming off. He sighed as he slumped against the door.
“What do you need from me?” Buck straightened up, turning to face Eddie.
“I need time. I’m still angry.” He nodded in acceptance.
“Chris?” Buck hesitated.
“Not yet. I can’t trust that you won’t decide to take him away again, and that isn’t fair. Plus…I don’t know if I’m sticking around yet.” He looked away as Eddie sucked in a breath.
“That’s what you meant by three months. It's not just how long your recovery is, it’s how long you’re giving yourself to decide.” Buck nodded, eyes still averted.
“Recovery for firefighting will actually be four months, but…” He shrugged.
“Ok.” Eddie cleared his throat. “Right.” He blew out a breath. “Can I…text you?”
“Yes but can I be the one to reach out first for now, please?”
“Absolutely. I’ll follow your lead for now.” Buck nodded.
“Thank you.” Eddie left not long after that, leaving Buck reeling from the events of the day. Sending a small update to Athena, he finally called the chief to set up a time to talk about Bobby.
When Athena stopped by later that evening to check on him and join for a quick bite to eat before getting back to patrolling, he decided to be honest with her about his plans. He could tell she wasn’t thrilled, but she didn’t try to talk him out of it either. She hugged him before returning to her patrol.
***
“Firefighter Buckley, it’s good to see you. Though I wish it was under different circumstances.” He shook hands with Chief Simpson.
“Sir, thank you for seeing me.” He followed the man to a meeting room, leaving Eddie in the lobby. He’d offered to drive Buck to headquarters when Athena had been unable to get away from work.
“You wanted to discuss Captain Nash?” The chief indicated for him to sit after introducing the rest of the committee.
“Yes, sir. I want to make sure you have all of the facts when making your decision.”
“The floor is yours, Firefighter Buckley.”
An hour and a half later, Buck walked out of the meeting room towards Eddie, who was scrolling through something on his phone. Eddie smiled when he looked up and saw Buck approaching him.
“Did it go well?”
“As well as can be expected. They said they’d announce their decision after they review the information I gave them today.” He nodded before standing, tugging out his keys.
“Do you want to grab a late lunch on the way back to the loft?”
“Yes, please.” They walked out of the building, discussing the best options for lunch before finally deciding on gyros.
***
A few days later, almost two weeks since Buck had been released from the hospital, a decision was announced. Athena was over for breakfast when he got the call.
“They fired him.” He held his breath, watching Athena for a negative reaction. “Well, actually, they forced him into early retirement so that he could keep his pension, but he’s no longer employed by the LAFD.” Athena blew out a breath, leaning back in her chair.
“How do you feel?”
“Not…great? But I also don’t feel bad?” She nodded before giving him a small smile.
“You don’t have anything to feel bad for, Buck. Bobby made his bed, these are just the consequences of his actions.” Buck nodded, pushing his food around.
“D-do you think he’ll be mad at me?” He froze as Athena’s hand landed on his own, stopping his movements.
“No. He’ll be a little hurt, but he won’t be angry. He knows he messed up. Do you remember what I told you when I brought you home?” Buck thought for a moment before nodding. “He’ll accept their decision, your testimony against him won’t change anything. He’d already said he felt like this is what he deserved.” They finished eating, and Athena was getting ready to leave when the sound of someone pounding on his door broke the comfortable silence.
“Seriously? What now?” He stalked over to the door, ducking to look out the peephole and scowled at what he saw. Ripping the door open, he glared at Hen and Chimney. “What are you two doing here?” Chimney glowered at him while Hen gave him a sheepish look.
“Sorry, Buckaroo, he insisted on coming right over when we got the news.” Buck threw Hen a small understanding smile before hardening his gaze on Chimney.
“You got Bobby fired?” Chimney tried to push his way past him, but Buck blocked him.
“I gave the board the facts. What they did with things from there was up to them.”
“You had no right.” Chimney pointed a finger at him, jabbing him roughly in the chest. “Just because you couldn’t wait for us to forgive you, doesn’t mean you needed to get him fired.”
“Again, I just gave the board the facts. Just like I will if you don’t take a step back and leave before I have you trespassed and file an HR complaint against you for harassment.” Buck glared as Chimney balked. He braced to get hit when he saw Chimney ball his hands into fists, but a throat clearing from down the hall caught their attention. Their heads whipped over to find a stern looking Bobby standing with a slightly murderous looking Eddie behind him.
“Sorry for showing up unannounced, but I figured the others would show up here eventually, wasn’t expecting everyone to be here so soon.” Bobby rubbed the back of his head, face apologetic. “I figured you and I would have a moment to talk before any confrontations happened.” He sighed.
“It’s ok, Chimney was just leaving.” The man sputtered at Buck’s words, the implication clear: Chimney wasn’t welcome, but the others were. With a huff, he stormed off down the hall. Buck waited until the elevator shut behind him before allowing everyone inside. Bobby made a small noise of surprise when he saw Athena standing by the dining table, but didn’t speak beyond that. He threw an inquisitive look at Eddie as he approached the door.
“I got the call while dropping Chris off at school, figured I’d head over in case the others showed up angry, looks like I was right to.”
“It was just Chim.”
“Yea, but I still needed to check for myself.” Buck gave him a small smile before shutting the door and turning to face the others.
“Buck, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, and I know that this situation isn’t your fault.”
“Thanks, Hen.” She nodded before sitting in one of the chairs. Athena hesitated a moment before ultimately sitting back down.
“Buck, I want you to know that I don’t blame you, not even a little.” Buck looked away. “I mean it, kid. This isn’t on you, this is on me.” Buck nodded, still not looking at Bobby. He felt Eddie squeeze his shoulder before moving into the kitchen, presumably for coffee.
“I’m still sorry it ended this way.”
“I’m not.” Buck’s head snapped up in surprise at that. “I know Athena has told you that I would accept whatever their decision was, but I think you need to hear it directly from me.” He moved closer, resting a hand on Buck’s shoulder. “I am not angry at you. I don’t blame you even one little bit. I did this to myself and I agree with their decision.”
“B-but you were a good captain.” Bobby shook his head.
“A good captain wouldn’t have done what I did to you. A good captain wouldn’t have held you back despite being medically cleared. A good captain wouldn’t have ostracized you from the rest of the team to cover up his own failings.” He gave Buck a sad smile. “I’m so sorry, Buck. I failed you as a captain. I constantly questioned your calls and dismissed your ideas. I held you back, not just after the bombing, but in general. You deserve a captain, and a house, that will help you flourish as a firefighter.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I think you should leave the 118, if you decide to stay. Even under a new captain, there’s bound to be some lingering resentment. Plus, you’re a heavy rescue asset, you deserve to be a heavy rescue asset. I spoke to the chief when he called me earlier, he assured me that when you’re cleared for duty, you’ll have your pick of houses.” Buck startled as another hand landed carefully on his bad shoulder.
“Where you go, I go. If you’ll let me.” Buck looked between Bobby and Eddie, throat thick with emotion.
“Thanks.” He wasn’t sure how else to respond to either of them. Bobby squeezed his shoulder before stepping back. Eddie lingered a moment longer before the coffee maker drew him away.
“For the record, I think he’s right. I’d seriously miss you at the station, but Chimney isn’t the only one who’s angry at you, despite none of this being your fault.” Hen spoke up carefully. “And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry I didn’t have your back beyond the first morning at the station.” Buck gave her a small smile.
“Thanks, Hen. I’m going to need some time, but I hope you and I can find some better footing in our friendship going forwards.” She grinned at him, reaching out to give his hand a squeeze.
The five of them continued chatting for a while longer, talking things out before switching to lighter conversations. Eventually, they all filtered out, leaving Buck alone with a lot to think about.
***
Three and a half months later, Buck was getting out of the jeep at his new station. He’d passed his recertifications, breaking records again, and had even gotten a few extra heavy rescue certs while he was at it. Shutting his door, he swung his bag over his shoulder and made his way towards the apparatus bay, pausing at the shout of his name.
“Hey! Glad you’re finally here. You ready?” Buck grinned.
“As I’ll ever be. Any advice?”
“Nah, you’ll do amazing here. The captain’s pretty chill and the rest of the team are pretty great. There’s a probie that’s a bit of a nervous wreck, but he’s solid when he's not second guessing himself.” Buck nodded before sweeping his fully healed arm out with a flourish.
“After you, Eds.” The man snickered before rolling his eyes and walking ahead of him.
It had taken a bit, but he and Eddie had finally gotten back onto steady ground and had rebuilt their friendship with some healthy boundaries. They’d been officially dating for a couple of weeks, but they were both confident that it would work out between them after all the work they’d put in. They were both in therapy, Eddie hadn’t stopped going and Buck had found a remote therapist he clicked with about a month into his healing. Dr. Copeland had helped him sort out the past year and realize that he didn’t want to return to the lonely life on the road. They’d even been addressing and working on his passive suicidal tendencies and quick acceptance of his impending death when he was held at gunpoint by James.
Reuniting with Chris had been hard. He still had residual fear that Eddie would change his mind, but after speaking to each other and their therapists, Buck had finally accepted that he couldn’t keep pushing the kid away just to protect himself. It wasn’t fair to either of them.
As soon as he’d been cleared to start training for his recertifications, the chief had presented him with a list of houses that were fighting to have him amongst their ranks. After careful consideration, he reached out to Eddie to see if the man was still serious about leaving the 118 with him. As soon as he’d confirmed he was, they’d gone over the list. They spent two days setting up interviews with all of the houses who were taking pairs, then they spent two weeks interviewing before finally accepting an offer from station 6.
As he walked into his new station behind Eddie, he couldn’t help but be grateful to James. If he hadn’t been shot by the man, he never would’ve had the chance to move towards a better place with the people who truly loved him. He’d lost his sister and Chimney, but he still had Bobby, Hen, and everyone else.
For the first time since the bombing, Buck felt confident with the idea of starting over since it meant moving towards something so much better than before.