Archive of Our Own ^beta

I was scared, really scared. I was going to see them die, they were going to die, and I couldn't do anything about it.

They were in Mike's basement, sitting on the sofa where Jonathan had been sleeping, talking about what had happened just a few hours earlier. They were supposed to be there to change clothes and rest for a few moments before going to the radio station and trying to contact any of those lost in the Upside Down. With Lucas, Robin, and Murray in the hospital after the Demogorgon attacks, they needed to make a new plan and ensure the well-being of the others. Joyce was upstairs, possibly taking a well-deserved rest after being thrown by Vecna and having a panic attack when she saw her son killing monsters with powers that brought new meaning, and great dangers, to Will's role in this battle.

"But you did something, you saved me." Mike had gone down to the basement after they both got changed. Will desperately needed to talk to someone, but Mike wasn't much help, not now that he was more aware than ever of his feelings for him, not now that he couldn't look at him without thinking of that boy who asked him if he wanted to be his friend, the boy with whom he discovered DnD in that very basement, the boy he had been in love with for years. God, Mike, could you not stare so intently? That would really help. "I mean, you saved all of us, Lucas, Robin, your mom. You really did."

"Yes, but it wasn't easy." Will takes a deep breath, decides it's best to close his eyes and try to remember and explain as best he can what happened next. He can't help but feel the way he felt while it was happening; it's too recent, it's just too much. "I tried to take control of the demos, but they were already being controlled, by him, Henry, and I could feel it, I could feel him moving them like puppets, so I wanted to grab the strings, like..."

"Like I told you, you could do it." He couldn't help but look at him again. Mike was smiling too, apparently proud of having indirectly helped him "gain" powers. Will hears a very small laugh and a whisper: "So cool"

"Yeah..."He whispers it too, but then he pulls himself together, tries to look around and get distracted. This isn't the time to be sighing over Mike. He knows he needs to talk to him about it, but he doesn't think this is the right moment, not with his sister lost in the Upside Down, not without talking to El first. "Yes, exactly like that, but when I did it, suddenly I could feel it...everywhere... his powers, it was-it was like I had a waterfall running through my body, but I could only think about stopping the Demogorgons. I needed to make sure all of you were safe, and that was all that mattered to me, i-i..."

"You finished them off." Mike could tell that maybe that wasn't exactly the right thing to say. Will closed his eyes again and hugged himself. He couldn't understand how he didn't realize that he had just done the most epic and exciting thing ever seen. Mike nudged him lightly with his knee, which elicited a small reaction. Now he was looking at the ground, but Mike wanted him to look at him. "Hey... again, you saved us. Without you, the military would probably be removing our bodies from the base, okay? You were a hero and you did something incredible, you-"

"I killed them, just like him, Mike." He didn't want to sound so aggressive, but since they left the base, he hadn't been able to think about anything else, and it scared him. "You saw it, their bones... just like they described what happened to Chrissy, what happened to Max" Fear turned to frustration as he ran his hands over his face. All he could think about was what had happened a few years ago, what he himself had done when he was possessed by the Mind Flayer.

All those soldiers, agents, doctors, dead because of him. He hadn't been able to save them. He hadn't been strong enough. What if now that he was reconnected to the hive mind, it would all happen again? Could he do the same as Henry, who could stopped him from ending up exactly like him? From becoming Vecna. After all, Henry was just a kid with family problems. Everyone who knew him and knew what he did to his family always said the same thing: they never would have imagined it, not from such a sweet, shy, and sensitive boy.

Mike couldn't believe what he was hearing. How could Will even suggest something like that? Will, who was kidnapped to another dimension full of monsters, survived and yet he still worried about his brother's injured hand; Will, who was willing to die when he was possessed to save everyone, just like in every DnD game, always thinking of others before himself; Will, who took down three Demogorgons at once the first time in his life he used his powers just to save them. Vecna could never, ever compare. A vile, twisted creature consumed by hatred, while Will is possibly the best person Mike knew. It didn't matter what he could do. If he told him that it was he who took out all those soldiers, he would say that it was time someone took care of them. Will would always be perfect in Mike's eyes.

And what if he killed them just like Vecna does? If he was being honest with himself, he wasn't really focused on the Demogorgon. "You're not Vecna, Will. You could never be."

That provoked a sarcastic laugh from Will as he looked him straight in the eye again. "You said it yourself." He could see that Mike wanted to say something else, but he needed to vent, to express all these thoughts that were suffocating him. "Have you ever heard anyone describe Henry when he was little, Mike? What his dad told Nancy? even my mom, I mean, you weren't there when she and Hopper started telling what they remembered about him, but the way she described him...she could have been talking about me."

"Will, come on." It was obvious that Mike was trying to help him, a little incredulous and uncomfortable, genuinely not understanding, he never understand anything that Will try to tell him. Mike put his hand on his shoulder as he lowered his voice. "Is just a couple of coincidences, let's look for differences and we'll find thousands, millions even. I bet he didn't have half your talent or your personality. You have people who love you, Will. You do have friends."

"Just understand for once, Mike!" This impressed the other as he removed his hand. Again, he really didn't want to be rude to him, but at that moment it was too difficult to contain his feelings. He tried to take a deep breath again, but his breathing was shaky. He didn't want to start crying. He clasped his hands together as he exhaled and tried to focus on something other than Mike. "Sorry, and he did have a best friend."

For the first time, Mike took his eyes off Will as he frowned, clearly a little hurt by the outburst, but he soon tried to smile and bring some humor to the situation, which no one felt. "Who could be friends with someone like him?"

"Bob's sister, Patty Newby"

"Oh"

It's incredible how he kept saying the wrong things. He wouldn't be surprised if this were an argument with El, but with Will he always knew what to say. He used to be the one who brought him comfort, the one Will looked to for support. Not so long ago, they were in that basement promising to go crazy together. Mike felt like he was doing it, he was really going crazy, and he could see that Will was too, but they weren't doing it together, that wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Ignoring the increasingly obvious discomfort, Will continued. "They were both nerds, they both had problems, and they probably helped each other out. From the moment Henry met her, they were always together. They understood each other somehow. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that she saw him alone, approached him, and asked if he wanted to be her friend. Does that sound familiar, Mike?" That was the moment to stop. He could breathe, calm down, apologize for getting so upset, and say that he knew he sounded paranoid, but he couldn't, he had never shared so much before, and now he was having trouble controlling himself. "He liked her."

That caught Mike off guard. "What?"

He really didn't like the turn this conversation had taken. He wanted Will to stop analyzing parts of a room he had been in his whole life, look at him, and...and what? What could Will say to calm what Mike was beginning to feel, that familiar, disgusting, stupid fear that made him feel like he was going to throw up, fear that in the past had led him to say horrible things that no one else deserved to hear, only himself. 

Will sank into the sofa as he tried to calm himself down. He was too close to ruining everything, too close to ruining his relationship with Mike, with Eleven, too close to being free, to letting go of the weight he had been carrying for years. Another breath. "He was in love with her, or at least that's what everyone thought. My mom was putting on a play and had chosen them to participate in it. They had to kiss, and it looked like they had already done it in front of some students."

He waited for Mike's response, but all he could hear was his somewhat uneven breathing. Had he picked up on something? Was he realizing that he had just compared them to Henry and Patty? What did that mean? This last thing made him laugh a little. Thinking about it, Mike was right. They could never be like them. He would never have the opportunities that Henry had. Now they had switched places. Will stared at Mike, who was staring blankly at the floor, thinking, What it was? It doesn't even matter, he was afraid of what might it be. He could feel another wave of frustration rising within him. It was so unfair.

"It's incredibly unfair, stupid even." Hearing this, Mike turned to look at him. Will looked defeated, tired, and angry. As he continued, he sat up straighter on the sofa, looking more agitated with each sentence. "He could have been with her, he could have flirted with her, gone on dates, they could have run away together, gotten married, had children, and been a normal family. If we take away the supernatural, I don't think they would have had much trouble achieving that. In fact, that's what society would expect of them, and yet he did what he did!"

Now he was standing in front of him, was it too much to ask for his friend to listen to him? Even if he didn't reciprocate his feelings, could he understand? Understand his frustration, his desperation, it was so damn unfair! Even if he didn't understand, he needed Mike to listen to him. Even... even— "Even if she didn't feel the same way, even if she didn't love him back, he could have told her, he could have kissed her in front of everyone! They might have applauded them. Do you know how much I would give to be able to do that?!"

Will had to turn away as he tried to control his tears. He wasn't going to cry about this, he wasn't going to cry about this anymore. He could feel shame and regret slowly replacing the anger and frustration. He had probably just ruined everything. At any moment, he would hear Mike's voice and his worst fears would come true. Why couldn't he control himself? But not even in his worst nightmares or his best dreams could he have imagined the answer he got.

"So, you like someone." 

Will looked at him again in disbelief. Mike looked surprisingly scared. Although he was staring straight at him, his whole body expressed terror. He couldn't believe he was scared of him, could he? He didn't know if he would prefer Mike to be scared or disgusted by him. Would the others react the same way? Lucas? Dustin? Eleven? Was there a chance his mom would react that way? He couldn't bear it. He had really ruined everything.

In the absence of a response, Mike continued, pulling him out of his nightmare. He tried to clear his throat, but as he spoke, a slight tremor in his voice became noticeable. "In Lenora, El wrote me a letter saying that you were painting for someone you liked. At first, I thought it was the one you always carried, but if that one was commissioned by her, there had to be another one..." Now it was Mike who was taking deep breaths. He was good at controlling himself, he was good at hiding. "Were you able to give it—"

"I lied" 

"What?"

Will couldn't take it anymore. He didn't even know if Mike understood half of what he had just said to him. It really seemed like he didn't, and that made him angry. The painting, the stupid painting he had used to try to open up, to tell him how he felt, to let him go. God, he was crying, crying right next to him, and he hadn't even noticed. At the time, he was grateful, but now? he misses the time when Mike was the only one who understood him, He's here trying to open his heart again, and that's what he thinks?

"I lied, Mike. El didn't commission that painting. In fact, I don't think she's ever even seen it. She doesn't even know about DnD! I lied to your face and you didn't even notice!"

No

No, Will had never lied to him before. They had made that rule: friends don't lie. Will couldn't have lied to him. Will would never...

It was a seven, the demogorgon, it got me

Will could never have done that to him; he couldn't do that. Everything he said meant so much to him.

You're the heart

He had been so lost, blind, alone, not knowing what to do, what he should do, unable to find meaning in his life, not fully understanding what it meant to be himself, nor wanting to, he was going to hate it anyway. He was so desperate to be someone else, someone more normal, to be a completely different person because he hated who he was, until Will gave him that painting and told him exactly what he needed to hear: his life did have meaning, he was a leader, an inspiration to others, Mike the Brave. Mike the Heart, he had a purpose. If it was all a lie. Mike managed to get up from the sofa, breathing heavily and gathering what little self-control he had left.

"Was it all a lie? Was everything you told me in that stupid van a lie?"

"No, just the part that came from Eleven." Will needed to get out of there, he needed to get out of there fast. He was willing to go sit in his mom's car parked in front of the house until she woke up, but he couldn't take it anymore not when he could feel a big lump in his throat. He had said enough, he had done enough. He hurried up the stairs and headed for the garage. When he got there, he froze in his tracks. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. It was raining, just like that damn day in that summer.

Shortly after, Mike was by his side, exactly like that day, looking so desperate, even angry. Now he was angry, seriously? He was going to explode, it was obvious. He was going to open his mouth and lash out at him, blame him for everything, as always. There was a time when this would never have happened, but that was in the past. He had been getting used to this for a couple of years now. Being blamed for not growing up, for wanting to hold on to what represented his last happy memory before everything happened, for ruining the day by rolling his eyes and complaining about being ignored.

"Why did you lie to me? Friends don't lie, remember?!" The tremor in his voice was obvious now, but he couldn't focus on that right now. In fact, he couldn't focus on anything right now. He had so many emotions in his chest, he didn't know what to do. He was so angry, he was so terrified. "How could you lie to my face? Tell me all that, give me the painting and say it was from Eleven?! Do you have any idea what that caused?! You were going to tell me someday, huh?! Do you—"

"And what was i supposed to say, Mike?!" Nothing mattered anymore. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he screamed, struggling to breathe. He had fought to control himself all morning, but he couldn't take it anymore. If he wanted answers so badly, he was going to give them to him, letting out everything he had been holding in for years. God, maybe he was going to die tomorrow anyway. Nothing mattered anymore. With one arm, he began to push him. "What was I supposed to say to my sister's boyfriend?! huh?! What was I supposed to say to my best friend?!"

Will could see the look of complete disbelief on Mike's face, his mouth trembling open, his eyes unable to look away from him. "You're not like Patty, Mike, you're not a girl." Neither was he, and he never would be, he would never be Eleven no matter how much his nose bled. He approached him, still crying, still breathing heavily, but calmer now. He needed to make this clear to him. "And it's not your fault that I don't like girls."

To Will's surprise, Mike started crying. He didn't seem to realize it himself, as he hadn't moved a muscle, but nothing mattered anymore. Before heading to the car, he wanted to make one last thing clear: "And forget about this, okay? We have much more important things to do. It doesn't matter anymore. Just ignore it. It's not that hard, believe me." 

Lie

Mike couldn't do anything, he couldn't do anything but cry. He felt like his whole world had collapsed, he felt like he had lost everything, that he had lost Will, he had lost him and his mom wasn't there to comfort him. She was on a hospital bed fighting for her life after bleeding out on the kitchen floor, because of the Demogorgon, because of him, is all his fault. When he felt his crying getting worse, he tried to move, but he didn't know where to go. He had no one.

He couldn't go back to the basement, not after everything that had just happened, but he could go back inside the house, trying not to look at the kitchen. Soon he found himself climbing the stairs to his room. It was a mess. His closet was destroyed and there was a big hole in the hallway. Apparently, his father had gone through it. Even so, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it. He was losing control more and more, his crying getting worse and worse. His legs gave way and now he was on the floor, hugging himself for comfort. He felt like that little boy protecting himself while his friend disappeared along with the Demogorgon.

Cry, boy, cry
Cry, boy, cry
Cry, boy, cry, boy, cry
Cry, boy, cry, boy, cry

Cry, boy, cry, boy, cry
Cry, boy, cry, boy, cry
Cry, boy, cry, boy, cry
Cry, boy, cry, boy, cry
(Cry)

He needed his mom so much right now, he needed someone so much right now, but what would he say to them? How would he explain why he was sobbing on the floor of his destroyed room? Even if he could say it, even if he could explain everything with words, would anyone listen? What would they think of him? He who keeps crying and crying, crying when he should be looking for Holly, he was Mike the Brave, he was supposed to protect her from monsters, what would she say if she saw him now? And Nancy? He doesn't even know if she's safe, she could be being eaten by a Demogorgon and he was here, crying, what would they say? What would they say if they knew the truth?

His secret, his dirty little secret. What would they say? What would his...

When he manages to lift his head and focus his gaze, he sees blood on the floor near his bed. His father's blood.

Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away (cry)
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away (cry)
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away
(To your soul, to your soul)

Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away (cry)
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away (cry)
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away (to your soul)
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away

(To your soul)